COLD OPEN FADE IN: INT. BATHROOM - DAY HAL opens a drawer to take out his razor and discovers, to his revulsion, a tuft of brown hair stuck in the blade. He opens the drawer further and sees a whole clump of hair. HAL Ugh! Lois! LOIS PASSES BY, looks in. LOIS For God's sake, Hal. You know I don't use your razors. HAL Well then who...? CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - KRELBOYNE CLASSROOM - DAY We see MALCOLM standing in front of the class, his legs bare, wearing a dress. STEVIE is beside him, wearing a tie. The other BOYS in the class snigger. MALCOLM (muttering, to Stevie) Next time, I don't care if you are in a wheelchair. I get to pick first! Stevie grins. CAROLINE "The Constraints of Gender Roles" will be performed in a week. (then) Malcolm, I'm so glad you followed my suggestion about shaving. It lends more authenticity to your performance. MALCOLM Actually, the nurse said I had to do it anyway. What with my contagious skin infection and all. Everyone backs away from Malcolm. Malcolm grins. FADE OUT. MAIN TITLES ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - EVENING HAL, LOIS, MALCOLM, REESE, and DEWEY are at dinner, in the midst of an argument. LOIS Forget it, Reese. You're too young. REESE Oh yeah?! In some countries, they let kids join the army as soon as they quit wetting their pants! At this, Dewey glances at his lap cryptically. LOIS And in some countries, twelve hours of labor gets you two bucks a day, ten kids, and some rat-infested shack. That what you want?? REESE (stubborn) Sure! That'd be great! MALCOLM (to the camera) Believe it or not, things started out pretty quietly today... until someone left the T.V. on. Reese caught the news, and now all he can think about is being an Army of One. Reese pounds the table. REESE Dammit, my talent for random acts of destruction are wasted at school! I need stimulation! I need growth! LOIS You want stimulation? Read a book. You want destruction?? Toss it in a paper shredder! HAL Or how 'bout you try out for a sport, champ. Hockey, wrestling, or -- ooh! -- boxing. Do they still have boxing at school? He does a few practice jabs. REESE You people sicken me. MALCOLM (to the camera) They've been going on like this for hours. Makes you wonder if they should just let Reese have his way. CUT TO: FANTASY SEQUENCE Malcolm brushes his teeth, alone, in a bathroom that seems abnormally large. Malcolm walks into the family room, where the KRELBOYNES are assembled, dressed in ridiculous costumes in preparation for a sci-fi marathon on T.V. Reese digs a ditch in the pouring rain, wearing an oversized army uniform and a fully loaded pack. He gets hit with a wave of muddy water as larger, stronger SOLDIERS drive past him in an army jeep, laughing. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - EVENING - CONTINUOUS Malcolm smiles. REESE (CONT'D) You won't let me join the army, but your precious Francis gets to go to military school! HAL Well some day if you're real good, you too may face the choice between that and being tried as an adult. LOIS Don't even joke, Hal. MALCOLM (casual) But what would be wrong with Reese paying Francis a visit? Military school builds character, right? LOIS You boys have your own school to go to. MALCOLM Not Reese. He got suspended. For two weeks, if I'm not mistaken. Reese looks at him murderously. Malcolm mouths an "It's okay" to him. LOIS (slowly) You got suspended?? MALCOLM (CONT'D) So he'll have plenty of time to visit Francis. (beat) Unless you'd rather he stay at home. You know, with the flammable items. Lois and Hal look at each other. Off of their expressions: CUT TO: INT. MARLIN COMMON ROOM - EVENING FRANCIS and FINLEY ENTER. FRANCIS This completely bites. My parents can't cut it at home, so they're shipping my brother over for me to babysit. FINLEY We don't have to deal with him, do we? FRANCIS Relax. You'll barely know he's here. They join a crowd of CADETS watching a wrestling match between ERIC and a LARGER CADET who is clearly overpowering him. FRANCIS Is Eric still playing East versus West? FINLEY (nodding) If the east side of the dorm wins, we get sole rights to the pool table. FRANCIS What's with this sudden urge to prove his manhood?? FINLEY His dads sent him pastel undershirts again. FRANCIS Ah. FINLEY Besides, it's not like he's the only one acting out. The larger cadet leaves Eric in a gasping heap. Cadets from the west side laugh and exchange high-fives, while the east side cadets look at him murderously. FINLEY (shakes his head) We should just leave him bound and gagged in a corner from now on. FRANCIS That reminds me: gotta get my room ready for Reese. He EXITS. Eric reaches out for help, but everyone ignores him. CUT TO: INT. BOYS' BEDROOM - MORNING Malcolm opens his eyes, gazes around him, and sits up slowly. MALCOLM (to the camera, disbelief) It's been one day since Reese left. He looks out the window. MALCOLM (CONT'D) But already signs of change are everywhere. Kids play outdoors unsupervised. Our neighbor lets his butt crack show when he bends over to pick up the paper. And... He looks over at Reese's bed, which has been pushed next to his and, sighing happily, sprawls across it and goes back to sleep. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - MORNING - CONTINUOUS Hal and Lois are rushing around, preparing and eating breakfast. Dewey sits at the table, taking each Cheerio out of his bowl and examining it before putting it in his mouth. LOIS (pauses, melancholy) Wow, two of our boys are at military school. Really makes you wonder, huh? HAL Lois, trust me, honey, you are a great mother. Don't give it a second thought. LOIS I meant where have all the years gone. Beat. HAL Oh. LOIS I know I'm a good mother. HAL Of course you are. What do you think I was trying to -- (welcome diversion) Dewey, son, why don't you try eating your cereal with a spoon, okay? DEWEY 'Kay. He carefully puts each Cheerio on his spoon one at a time, stacking them pyramid-style. Hal and Lois watch wearily. LOIS And I suppose that's my fault. Before Hal can reply, Malcolm ENTERS. MALCOLM Hey guys. LOIS Oh Malcolm, after school I want you to run to the cleaners and pick up your dad's pants. And when you get home do a little vacuuming, hmm? HAL Yeah, and the garbage cans need to be brought in. Maybe Dewey can help LOIS And speaking of Dewey, don't forget to take him to Cub Scouts. We don't want him to get kicked out again. MALCOLM (dazed) Wait a sec, what is this?? LOIS What is what? (annoyed) It's called family commitment, mister. You're the oldest around here, you should set an example. MALCOLM But Reese never had to do any of this. LOIS Well Reese isn't here. (then) You think I'd trust him with this kind of responsibility? MALCOLM So why trust me? (then) Never mind. I'm sure you'll just say something that'll sound completely unfair. HAL And when you get the chance, could you climb up on the roof and chisel mud out of the drainage pipe? CUT TO: INT. FRANCIS'S DORM ROOM - DAY Reese is shadow boxing, fast and furious, on Francis's bed, intent on pulverizing an invisible enemy. He jumps off just as Francis ENTERS. FRANCIS What the hell are you doing? REESE Staying in a constant state of readiness. Francis comes over and slaps Reese on the back of the head. REESE Oww! (angry) Mock me now, but when the invaders come, you'll be wishing you had me to defend you. FRANCIS What invaders?? Reese, we're in Alabama. No one in their right mind would come here. REESE Hey, I came, didn't I?! Francis cocks a brow and decides to let this one slide. REESE (CONT'D) But I might as well be at dancing school. Two days and I haven't seen one gun. FRANCIS You think they'd trust us with a real weapon? That'd be like prison guards arming the convicts. We're lucky they let us eat with metal forks. REESE Man, I thought being here would be so cool. But you and the other guys here are a bunch of wusses! FRANCIS (shocked) What? I am not. REESE (taunting) Yeah you are. You don't use weapons. You march in formation and you follow the rules. FRANCIS (moves closer) Take that back. REESE Is that lemon fresh scent I smell? Francis grabs Reese and pushes him onto the bed next to his, where they proceed to wrestle. Reese gain the upper hand just as the door opens, revealing Finley and Eric. They immediately get absorbed in watching the action. ERIC (admiring) So much strength, and yet he's graceful. It's like watching God wrestle. FRANCIS (sits up a little) What? Reese shoves him back on the mattress. ERIC Not you, Francis. (points) Your little brother. Reese continues to fight, oblivious. FRANCIS That's ridiculous. FINLEY He's beating you, man. FRANCIS (choking) He is not! ERIC (scheming) I could use him to get back at the West Side. (to Francis) Would you mind loaning him to me? Francis sits bolt upright, knocking Reese off of the bed. FRANCIS (indignant) My brother isn't some killer dog you can trot out for your pleasure, you idiot. (beat) We take cash. CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY Malcolm walks along, holding the dry cleaning bag with Hal's pants. It gets snagged on a fence. Malcolm struggles mightily to free it, but just as he does so, a DOG takes an interest in the bag and clamps his teeth around the other end. Malcolm tries to pull it away, but the dog hangs on, as though gripping a large chew toy. Finally Malcolm keeps walking, dragging the dog with him. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - CUB SCOUT MEETING - CONTINUOUS Malcolm walks through the door, dragging the bag and THREE DOGS, plus a CAT. He is met by prolonged high-pitched screaming. As Malcolm reacts, we see Dewey standing in the middle of the room, screaming his head off, surrounded by broken pup tents and cowering CUB SCOUTS. The SCOUT MASTER shrugs helplessly at Malcolm, who groans. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN. INT. MARLIN COMMON ROOM - DAY A crowd of CADETS have gathered around in a circle. Off to one side stands Francis, giving a pep talk to Reese, while his opponent, a rather LARGE CADET, stands on the other side with his SUPPORTERS. SUPPORTER Remember, you don't need to make him writhe in agony. Just kill him quickly so we can make it to our econ exam in time. LARGE CADET Got it. ON FRANCIS, REESE, AND ERIC FRANCIS (instructional) Two fingers can become a deadly weapon. A jab to the eye. A twist of the nose. But they're most effective when brushed gently against his inner thigh. It makes your opponent just uncomfortable enough to let down his defenses. (off Reese's expression) So I've heard. REESE This'll really prepare me for life in the army? FRANCIS Of course. (beat) Except for the last part. You might want to forget you heard it. ERIC (to Reese) This is your mission. The West Siders took our pool table, we want it back. If you win, you'll be our personal hero. REESE And I'll get to play pool with you guys? ERIC (good-natured) Not a chance. LARGE CADET All right. Let's get it on! Reese beats his hands together with anticipation. Francis and the East Side cadets whoop and holler and slap him on the back for encouragement. As Reese and his opponent move into the center ring: FRANCIS Go kill him, Tiger! CUT TO: INT. MARLIN COMMON ROOM - LATER Reese now fans the large cadet while the latter plays pool. Nearby, Eric stands against a wall, his back drawn up like a dart board. Just then Francis hobbles over, bent so that a tea tray is balanced on his back. When Eric sees him, he whacks him hard. FRANCIS Watch it! This is real porcelain. CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE - DAY Malcolm is balanced precariously on the edge of the roof, digging a trowel into the drainage pipe, where it refuses to budge, as if stuck in quick-drying cement. After a couple of tries, Malcolm finally sends a dried hunk of leaves and dirt flying. It comes within inches of hitting STEVIE below, and instead flattens a lawn sprinkler. Stevie looks skyward and mouths a "Thank you." MALCOLM (mid-rant) See, next to Reese's total incompetence, I always looked like the dependable one without having to do anything. (digs in his trowel again) But with him gone, my cover's been blown. They've stuck me with all these chores, and I can't argue without Reese for back up. STEVIE Can't you... fake... internal... injuries? MALCOLM With my mom's b.s. detector? By the time she was through with me, I would have internal injuries. Then there's Dewey... FLASHBACK TO: EXT. HOUSE - DAY A cop car delivers Malcolm and Dewey home safely after the cub scout meeting. MALCOLM (V.O.) He went nuts at his cub scout meeting, and the scout master thought he needed to be sent to therapy. CUT TO: INT. FAMILY ROOM - CONTINUOUS Hal, Lois, Malcolm, and Dewey are sitting. LOIS No son of mine is gonna be dragged to some head doctor who charges fifty bucks an hour to tell him how screwed up we are! MALCOLM But the scout master said he thought Dewey could be regressing. He may have a point. He looks at Dewey, who is curled up in an upside-down fetal position with his arms wrapped around his head. LOIS This man must think he holds the Nobel prize in psychology. What other crap did he feed you? MALCOLM Then he kind of went off on the Boys Scouts' policy towards gay people. HAL You know Lois, I seem to remember Dewey doing some pretty kooky stuff when Francis left for Marlin Academy. LOIS So what are you saying, Hal?? HAL I -- LOIS That I could have kept this from happening again?? HAL No, I'm saying that maybe Dewey thinks Reese is going away for good, and this is how he copes. It's no one's fault. LOIS Maybe so, Mr. Competent, but fixing it will be my responsibility, won't it?! HAL For the love of God, Lois! LOIS (CONT'D) Well not this time. (then) Malcolm, since it was your bright idea to send Reese away, you spend time with Dewey until he shapes up. MALCOLM What? LOIS No back talking! CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE - PRESENT - CONTINUOUS MALCOLM (to Stevie) She was like Kujo. There was no way I could talk her out of it. Frustrated, he chucks another clump of dirt onto the ground. Again, it narrowly misses Stevie, who is now surrounded by similar clumps. He examines it. STEVIE I think... that one... is still... moving. CUT TO: INT. MARLIN COMMON ROOM - DAY Reese and the East Side cadets are still performing tasks for the West Side. Finally Francis hurls down the back scratcher he's been holding. FRANCIS Guys, this is ridiculous! Nowhere did the bet say that we had to be each others' slaves. FINLEY No... that part sort of got beaten out of us later. FRANCIS Well I've had it. I refuse to take part in this anymore. He starts to leave, but a West Side cadet grips his shoulders. Francis tries in vain to wrestle away his less than-firm grasp. Reese sees this and tosses his fan aside. REESE Get your hands off him, dirtbag! The large cadet he was working for earlier leans closer. LARGE CADET (mocking/menacing) What are you gonna do? Wow us with your physical strength some more? Glowering, Reese gathers together the balls on the pool table. He picks them up, moves a couple of steps over... and dumps them into the trash. The cadets murmur in shock. MEAN CADET You're going in there after them! Reese growls with rage. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY Malcolm struggles out of the Krelboyne classroom, with Dewey attached firmly to his right leg. Malcolm tries to make him let go, but Dewey refuses. Around them, STUDENTS FROM OTHER CLASSES snicker. Stevie, DABNEY, ERASERHEAD, and LLOYD watch with sympathy from the Krelboyne room. They then give each other meaningful looks and rush over to Malcolm. DABNEY Malcolm, we can't stand to watch you suffer anymore! MALCOLM It won't be much longer. I can make it. Eraserhead lifts Dewey and drags him a few feet away from Malcolm. Dewey promptly starts shrieking and kicking. Heads turn, window panes crack. Quickly Malcolm darts over next to him, and the mayhem stops. MALCOLM (miserable) I've tried that already. Believe me. ERASERHEAD We think we may have a solution to your problem. He produces a small console with a screen. MALCOLM Gameboy? DABNEY No, a tracking device. Put the sensor on your skin, and it keeps tabs on your body heat index. LLOYD You can do whatever you want, and your brother will know where you are at all times. MALCOLM I don't know. It seems kind of risky. STEVIE (knowing look) Your parents... won't... find out. DABNEY If the tracker falls into the wrong hands, just remove the sensor. MALCOLM I think I'd feel more comfortable knocking Dewey unconscious and leaving him in the closet. STEVIE Every... day? ERASERHEAD Then you'd better act fast. The teacher was giving you that "concerned" look again. MALCOLM Oh God, if she calls Child Protective Services... (sighs) Fine. It's worth a try. He holds out his arm, and Dabney attaches the sensor. Eraserhead hands Dewey the tracking device and points to Malcolm to show the connection. Dewey at first seems confused, but is quickly drawn to the colorful blobs on the screen. Malcolm inches away slowly. DABNEY Success! Malcolm tries to look excited, but doesn't quite manage. CUT TO: INT. MARLIN COMMON ROOM - DAY The large cadet who was mocking Reese is now tied up, feet and hands behind his back, on the pool table. Reese stands over him, holding the pool stick like a sword to keep everyone back. But it doesn't matter -- all of the other West Side cadets are too beat-up to fight back. The room is a mess. Francis, Finley, Eric, and others watch Reese in awe. Just then SPANGLER ENTERS. He walks across the room, reading a newspaper article, oblivious. SPANGLER Baking students torch their academy. What is this world coming to?! (notices Francis) I'm concerned, cadet. Deeply, deeply concerned about the moral fiber of today's youth. FRANCIS Uh, and we're concerned for you, sir. SPANGLER Then tuck in your shirt. It's a slippery slope. He EXITS. FRANCIS (awed) Reese... that was beautiful. I don't think I've ever felt this close to you. Francis moves toward Reese. Still in hunter mode, Reese growls fiercely. Francis wisely backs away. FINLEY (hushed) Rage awakened the Colossus inside him. FRANCIS (to Finley) This all makes sense now. If we can just harness the rage, the options will be unlimited! CUT TO: INT. ARCADE - DAY Malcolm plays a video game and consumes a giant chili dog. MALCOLM (to the camera) Okay, this seemed like the dumbest scheme on the planet, but it's actually working out pretty well. CUT TO: INT. BOYS' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Dewey sits on the bed, staring at the tracking device as if hypnotized. MALCOLM (V.O.) Now that Dewey can keep an eye on me, he's back to solid foods and... being Dewey. Dewey sees a spider crawling on the blanket and watches as if hypnotized. CUT TO: INT. ARCADE - CONTINUOUS Malcolm presses a button and there's an explosion off screen. He cheers and swallows the rest of the chili dog. MALCOLM (CONT'D) And I have more time to just hang out on my own. He continues to play, while a COUPLE OF PEOPLE stare at him. MALCOLM (CONT'D) (oblivious) Still, being responsible hasn't been too bad. The chores gave me muscles I think the girls will really go for. (flexes his biceps) And maybe I would have had fun hanging out with Dewey. (beat) Yeah right. The game makes a sound to signal it has ended. Malcolm turns to find the people still staring at him. MALCOLM (uneasy) Sorry I took so long. It's all yours. CUT TO: EXT. ARCADE - CONTINUOUS Malcolm walks outside, down the street. As people pass by, now and then one will turn to stare at him. Malcolm notices this, and concerned, looks at his reflection in a window. He looks fine. MALCOLM The tracking device just has me paranoid, that's all. CUT TO: BEGIN MONTAGE Reese punches a soda machine in front of Francis and a CROWD OF CADETS. The cadets cheer as dozens of sodas spill out of the opening. One SKINNY CADET pauses to whisper something in Francis's ear and hand him money. Francis looks the money over, then pockets it. Reese walks over to a MEAN-LOOKING CADET who is bullying the skinny one and punches him in the stomach. In the background, Francis and TWO CADETS watch, impressed. Then the two cadets pull out money and whisper to Francis. In his room, Francis spills a bunch of photographs and magazine cut outs onto the bed for Reese to look at. He points to a picture of Darth Maul, then to one of Malcolm, then, for the final touch, he pulls out a school yearbook. As Francis points to certain teachers and students, Reese grows more enraged. Reese punches three cadets in succession. Francis is now counting piles of money. Finley watches with an expression that could be described "troubled." Francis works a slide projector, showing Reese slides on the wall. He clicks on a rather unflattering one of Lois. Reese turns fiery red. Reese walks into a classroom with Francis. The INSTRUCTOR notices him and visibly cowers, as do the other cadets. CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY Malcolm walks along, carrying a bag of groceries. He tries to relax, but keeps eyeing the people around him. Everything looks normal... until a MAN appears out of nowhere. MAN (ominous) I know you. I know who you are. Malcolm gasps and walks backward. He turns as ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS MAN appears. MAN 2 I know you. I've seen you. MALCOLM (closes his eyes) This is not The Twilight Zone... this is not The Twilight Zone... He waves nervously and walks away quickly. He reaches the end of the block before stopping to fling the sensor into the trash. Just then, a WOMAN appears. WOMAN I know all about you. Where you live, where you go to school, everything. Malcolm drops the grocery bag and runs for his life. FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - DAY Lois sits at the kitchen table, trying with frustration to dial a phone number. She gets a busy signal. LOIS God dammit, what the hell is wrong...? As she says this, Malcolm ENTERS. He looks at her a little nervously, but when he sees she is focused on the phone, he tries to act like everything is normal. Just as he gets a glass of water, he spots a MAN peeking at him through the window. Shocked, Malcolm drops the glass. LOIS (turning) Malcolm?? MALCOLM Whoops, clumsy me. He looks at the window and sees that the peeper is gone, then bends down to pick up the glass. LOIS You do your chores? MALCOLM Yeah, sure. LOIS And Dewey? MALCOLM Is in his room. He's fine. Everything's... just fine. LOIS Well good, because if not -- (phone to her ear) Honest to God! Malcolm looks out the window again, and to his horror, sees a head peeping down at him from the roof this time. He lowers the blinds a little and HIGH-TAILS IT OUT of there. Just then Hal ENTERS, glances out the window. HAL Looks like the neighbors are spying on us again. (then) Lois -- LOIS Not now, Hal! I've been trying to get through to Francis all day, but the lines are busy. Power line must've fallen. CUT TO: INT. MARLIN HALLWAY - DAY We see the reason for Lois's frustration: cadets are lined up at phone booths along the wall, talking noisily, with several more waiting their turn. CUT TO: INT. FRANCIS' DORM ROOM - CONTINUOUS All are trying to reach Francis, who talks nonstop on a new cell phone and types on a palm pilot. FRANCIS So you need someone to stop the neighborhood bully? In Toronto? (beat) Not a problem. Would you prefer three thirty on Thursday or six forty-five next Tuesday? (beat) Pleasure doing business with you. Francis ends the call just as Reese WALKS IN, his clothes torn and face streaked with dirt. REESE I took out the captain of the soccer team. (then) Never thought that being a soldier would be so much like what I normally do. FRANCIS Well sure. If you're a mercenary soldier. He hands Reese a few bills. REESE That's all I get?? FRANCIS (phony sincerity) Business expenses. I barely got anything myself. Reese eyes him suspiciously, and looks like he's about to retort, when his pocket makes a beeping sound. REESE That's my four o' clock. (darker) We'll talk later. He LEAVES. Almost instantly, Eric RUSHES IN, followed more slowly by Finley. ERIC Francis, your brother beat up my science partner! This reign of terror must end now! FRANCIS Don't look at me, I didn't set the ball rolling. Guys just called and I, we, provided a service. ERIC Well you're turning everyone against each other! And we didn't even get a cut of the profits! FRANCIS And you've earned one, how? ERIC (ominous) Gutsy talk for a dead man walking. Your brother can't be your strongman forever, you know. FRANCIS Sure he will. I've already thought of a way he can stay. (trace of fear) He just needs to destroy a few fire hydrants, maybe some parking meters, and he's here for keeps! ERIC Revenge will be mine. Oh yes. Eric laughs wickedly and LEAVES. Francis tries not to look worried. FINLEY Look, this was kind of fun at first. But there's something wrong with using a kid who wants to learn honor and sacrifice to bash upperclassmen in the skull. FRANCIS Gee thanks, Mom. But we're military school brats, not Green Berets. FINLEY So? We don't have to act like it. FRANCIS (louder) We're a bunch of problem kids stuck in this hell hole until we either graduate or get carted off to the psycho ward. For us, this is honor. FINLEY Maybe for you, it is. FRANCIS Isn't that what I just said? Finley LEAVES in a huff. Francis' phone rings. FRANCIS (into the phone) Hey, man. (beat) A little problem with the Mafia? CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - KRELBOYNE CLASSROOM - DAY The class is filing out, but Malcolm remains behind, having cornered his friends. They watch nervously as he rants and raves. MALCOLM All I wanted was a little space, and now it's like everyone's watching me! (looks around) You see?? See how they're staring?! His friends look and, indeed, see A FEW STUDENTS looking at Malcolm like he's nuts. DABNEY (slowly, humoring him) Yes Malcolm. We see. MALCOLM The tracker gives off a signal to spy satellites, doesn't it?? Come on, tell me the truth! ERASERHEAD Or maybe they thought your sensor was a nuclear explosive. These are troubled times we live in. STEVIE (hits him on the arm) Not... helping! MALCOLM But I took it off and they're still after me! (grabs his head) Why can't they just leave me alone?! DABNEY (patient) Look, Malcolm, why not bring the tracking device back to us and we'll figure out what went wrong, okay?? MALCOLM (nods frantically) Bring it back. Right. I can do that. He RUNS OFF, leaving his friends to exhale with relief. STEVIE Find a... stun gun. CUT TO: INT. BOYS' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Malcolm RUSHES IN, sees Dewey on the bed. MALCOLM Okay Dewey, where's the tracking device?! DEWEY It stopped being fun, so I got rid of it. MALCOLM Where?! DEWEY I don't know. MALCOLM Well think! Hard! DEWEY The garbage can? No... The playground? No... The -- Malcolm grabs Dewey's arm and pulls him off the bed. MALCOLM Come on. We're going back to every place you can remember. CUT TO: INT. FRANCIS' DORM ROOM - DAY Reese WALKS IN, looking even more torn and disheveled than before, just as Francis finishes punching something into his Palm Pilot. FRANCIS Hey, Reese, buddy, I know we haven't spent much quality time together, but I got you a little present. He holds up a girly magazine, then places it inside Reese's duffel bag. REESE (bland) Cool. Almost makes up for that gash in my forehead. FRANCIS I told you not to take on two sets of twins at once. (then) And a scar will make you look ferocious. That's good marketing. REESE Great. Then this should be, too. He shows Francis a bald spot on the back of his head. FRANCIS A good comb-over will take care of that. You might want to ask Dad. Just as he says this, SEVERAL CADETS walk into the room. FRANCIS What's this? REESE I thought I'd make my own appointment this time. Reese grabs Francis in a headlock. They struggle against one another. The other cadets look at each other and grin. CUT TO: BEGIN MONTAGE Malcolm digs one of several large holes in the backyard, uncovering all sorts of things, like old baseballs, action figures, and what looks like a severed finger. Dewey finally shakes his head. Malcolm groans. In a disguise of dark glasses, Malcolm stands on the top branch of a tree, sorting through the leaves. As Dewey shakes his head, Malcolm slips and falls. Still disguised, Malcolm goes with Dewey into an ice cream shop... one of several, judging from the number of cones they're already holding. Malcolm and Dewey run around the park, dumping over garbage cans, before a POLICE OFFICER runs over. Chased by the cop, the boys run into the crowd at an outdoor concert. A WOMAN hands Dewey a lighter, which he holds above his head. Malcolm sways to the music until he sees people looking at him. He grabs Dewey and rushes off. Malcolm looks at Dewey hesitantly before approaching a DIRTY VAGRANT in an alley. Dewey shakes his head. Malcolm looks relieved. Then the man lunges at them and they run away. CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS Malcolm and Dewey walk through the downtown area. MALCOLM (griping) None of this would've happened if you hadn't acted like a big baby when Reese went away! DEWEY (unfazed) I wanted attention. Dewey suddenly stops and points upward. DEWEY There! That's where the tracking thing went! Malcolm looks up to see a tall, gleaming building with KTV3 T.V. written on the top floor. His gaze is skeptical... but given everywhere else they've been today, this choice seems as good as any. He and Dewey walk toward the building. CUT TO: INT. MARLIN COMMON ROOM - DAY The cadets now have Francis in a tight hold as Eric reads from a sheet of paper. Reese stands off to the side, shadow boxing. ERIC Francis, do you have any last words before we strip you naked and dump you head first into the compost pile? FRANCIS You started it, you moron! If you hadn't made those damn bets in the first place -- ERIC Let the record show that the accused has shown no remorse for his actions. FRANCIS And why the hell haven't you charged Reese? He was doing the fighting! ERIC Reese gave in voluntarily. JOE He's immune to prosecution. FRANCIS Great, my own flesh and blood sells me out! REESE (nonchalant) I was just doing what you said it took to be a soldier. FRANCIS Look around you, Reese! Does anyone here look like he could be a soldier?! You think the army would ever want us?! ERIC (to the other cadets) Should we tack on a penalty for whining? FRANCIS (CONT'D) This is so unfair! ERIC I'm leaning toward yes. The cadets argue amongst themselves. Suddenly Spangler ENTERS, enraged. SPANGLER (severe) Cadets! March in formation down to the auditorium at once! There's going to be some serious reckoning. The cadets and Reese pause, stunned. Then after Spangler EXITS, they resume arguing. CUT TO: INT. LOCAL T.V. STATION KVT3 - DAY Malcolm and Dewey sit with an EXECUTIVE, watching colorful blobs on a large T.V. screen. MALCOLM (disbelief) So this was all for a reality show?? The executive removes the sensor from Malcolm's arm and the screen goes fuzzy. EXECUTIVE Oh yes. We get volunteers who agree to have their movements recorded. (looks at Dewey) Your homing monitor looked so much like ours, we thought your brother had found a lost one. She shows Malcolm one of the station's devices, which is connected to the T.V. screen. Indeed, it looks nearly identical to Malcolm's tracking device. MALCOLM And people actually like watching heat sensor blobs? EXECUTIVE When it comes to reality, some people will watch anything. (beat) "Man Sleeping" was one of our highest rated shows ever. MALCOLM (to the camera) Which is the most unbelievable part of this whole mess. EXECUTIVE (CONT'D) (sheepish) And some like to follow the volunteers and watch them in their physical form. (quickly) If we can make it up to you... maybe some KVT3 tee-shirts or a coffee mug? MALCOLM (to the camera) Are you kidding? I just want everything to go back to normal again. (beat, grins) Next week. Excited, he turns to the executive. MALCOLM It's not every day I can be famous for my body heat. Could you sign me up a little longer? DEWEY Yeah! Me, too! CUT TO: INT. MARLIN AUDITORIUM - EVENING Spangler stands at the podium before a full audience of Marlin cadets. Francis, Reese, and co. sit in the back. SPANGLER It hasn't escaped my attention that you cadets haven't been quite as civil to each other as you could be. Two cadets still grip Francis. Francis glares at them, but saves most of his wrath for Reese, who sits a safe distance away. SPANGLER (CONT'D) Normally I'd dismiss it, but after reading about the baking school blaze, I can close my eyes no longer. (shakes his head) All those wonderful recipes lost. Oh the humanity! Reese stifles a laugh. Francis tries to wiggle free. SPANGLER (CONT'D) To prevent a similar tragedy from happening here, I've decided to try something different. (then) So stand and give a firm Marlin salute to... Jimmy Rae Stevens. JIMMY RAE STEVENS, a middle-aged man wearing a starched white shirt and tie, WALKS ONTO THE STAGE. HE is followed by two TEENAGE BOYS, similarly dressed. SPANGLER (CONT'D) Mr. Stevens runs a spirituality school in town. I thought he could serve as an influence. JIMMY RAE (droning) Yes, morality isn't something to take lightly. Neither is impotence... which is why your Commandant deserves applause for dealing with it openly and honestly. As Spangler grits his teeth, Francis reaches Reese and tries to tackle him. Reese notices in time, and blocks. SPANGLER (CONT'D) So he and his students will be spending some time with us, as sort of a cultural exchange. JIMMY RAE We'll share meal times, hang out with you during your recreation. Discuss how it feels to be a confused young man. He gestures at the teenage boys who came with him. They eye him warily. JIMMY RAE (CONT'D) These two used to be hellions, but the Good Book set them right. And them. He points out the window, where we see a large bus parked and several neatly dressed, neatly coiffed boys headed toward the entrance. The cadets look nervous, but say nothing. Francis, however, has heard enough that he pulls away from Reese. FRANCIS (hushed) My God. This is the Commandant's most sadistic plan ever. FINLEY What? FRANCIS (CONT'D) Sure, he'll say they're here a week, maybe two. Next thing you know, that creep's gang will be parked in the dorm, making us sing before meals and hold Saturday night jamborees. ERIC What would be Spangler's motivation? FRANCIS To destroy us as individuals. (then) He knows we don't follow his rules because they turn people into mindless robots. But if he can get "Stepford wives" to buddy up to us, he can brainwash us slowly without our ever knowing. FINLEY That dirty bastard. REESE The invaders have arrived. FRANCIS (CONT'D) We may be problem kids, but we deserve better. It's time we put aside our squabbling and focus on the larger goal. He nods at the stage, then shakes Reese's hand. They exchange meaningful looks, then turn to shake hands with other nearby cadets. Reese bolts upright. REESE Let's get 'em! He runs toward the stage. Francis and the other cadets look at him strangely, then nod at each other and start yelling and charging forward. Spangler and Jimmy Rae look at them with growing horror. The two teenage boys take this in and mouth "Thank you." CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - EVENING Malcolm and Dewey WALK INSIDE, having just returned home. Both wear the sensors that go with the tracking device. CUT TO: INT. PARENTS' ROOM - EVENING Hal ENTERS to find Lois sitting on the bed. HAL Lois? LOIS (crabby) What, Hal? HAL Honey, I've noticed you've been a little more on edge lately than usual. If this has anything to do with our bad mother/good mother exchange, just forget it. I don't know what I'm talking about. LOIS Oh, I already have. (sighs) Believe it or not, I miss having all three of our kids in the house. HAL You mean four, don't you? (off Lois's look) Never mind. LOIS (CONT'D) It's got me thinking that some day Reese really will be gone, then Malcolm, then Dewey and my God, what the hell kind of kids are we letting loose in the world?? HAL It's best not to think about it. LOIS Have we done enough? I mean have we really done all we can as parents? HAL Who knows. All we can do is keep up the good fight... every day... until the inevitable. LOIS And maybe it'll turn out we never had to worry. She and Hal look at each other, and both break into fits of resigned laughter. HAL I love it when you're optimistic. He leans down, and he and Lois are about to kiss when the phone rings. Lois yanks it off of the receiver. LOIS Who is it?? (beat) Francis and Reese... WHAT?! Hal hangs his head. CUT TO: INT. MARLIN AUDITORIUM - DAY The cadets are gathered around in small groups for questioning, while POLICE OFFICERS dart in and out. Spangler paces the room, looking at each cadet threateningly. SPANGLER You're going to regret this! And you, too! I've never been so outraged! He turns away. SPANGLER (CONT'D) (hushed) "Your kids aren't tough enough to take on my Bible school kids," huh? (satisfied) Well who's laughing now?! ON FRANCIS AND REESE They sit in a corner. FRANCIS That was amazing! The kicks, the punches, the yelling -- all in perfect rhythm. REESE I liked when you hit that kid with a Bible from sixty feet away. FRANCIS How 'bout when Eric made Stevens cry for his mommy? REESE I never want to leave this place! FRANCIS Yeah, we made a pretty good team. (then) I mean, my God, for the first time in my life, I feel like I can take on anything. Reese is about to reply, when he looks over Francis's shoulder and goes pale. Francis turns to find Lois standing over him, ready to explode. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Malcolm and Dewey sit on the couch, watching blob forms of themselves on T.V. MALCOLM (to the camera) Okay, so I didn't get the break I thought I would with Reese gone. But being a house slave works out in the long run. Dewey points and giggles constantly. Malcolm glances at him as if to ask: "How could you possibly find this funny?" MALCOLM (CONT'D) I've gotten to know Dewey better. And I've scored enough points with Mom and Dad that I could probably do something really awful and not get too busted. Malcolm picks up a nearby magazine and opens it to the middle, revealing an article with the caption: HEAT SENSORS: HAVE REALITY SHOWS GONE TOO FAR? MALCOLM (CONT'D) Oh, and being at the forefront of a hot new trend doesn't hurt, either. The front door opens. Malcolm and Dewey pick up nearby rags and pretend to clean the furniture. As Lois rants off screen, Reese ENTERS the room, carrying his bag in one hand and a broom in the other. He, Malcolm, and Dewey exchange grimaces as all three start to work. Then: REESE (looks at the T.V.) What is this crap?? He takes the remote to change the channel. Malcolm and Dewey try to wrestle it away. The fight quickly escalates into a brawl. FADE OUT. THE END