ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. LANE HOUSE - JANE'S BEDROOM - EVENING JANE is painting on a canvas, the phone to her ear. JANE I swear, Daria, it is such a drag having my mom at home again. CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - DARIA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS DARIA lies on her bed, also holding the phone. Intercut between her and Jane throughout the conversation. DARIA Do tell. JANE She completely stifles my creative process. If I'm painting in the neo Renaissance geometric style, she tells me to switch to pre-Celtic swirls. Can you believe that? DARIA Monster. JANE And not only that, she -- (sees AMANDA LANE flutter in) Mom? What are you doing in here? AMANDA My restless spirit urged me forth. JANE But this is my room. AMANDA Oh, I don't believe in boundaries. JANE Grrrrrrrr! Amanda looks at the canvas. AMANDA Janey, geometric again? Does your heart truly feel free when you paint that way? JANE No, but oppression makes for great inspiration. Just ask Picasso. Now would you get out?! AMANDA Hmm, my spirit could go for a good cappuccino. I'll leave you to find inner peace on your own. She pats Jane on the shoulder affectionately and flutters out of the room. JANE (weary) And that's how it's been all week. DARIA Welcome to my world. JANE Ha... ugh. So how are things in Hell? DARIA Mom's finally put away the red hot pitchfork and started with the true torture. JANE She's after you to become "social" again? DARIA I'll just smile and turn a deaf ear like always. JANE "Smile"?? DARIA Scowl less venomously? JANE That's more like it. CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - LATER Daria opens the door and steps out of her room, only to be confronted by HELEN, who is walking down the hallway. HELEN Hi, Daria! Where are you going?? DARIA I'm at the top of the stairs, so the only option is down. HELEN I meant once you reach the bottom. DARIA To a land where televisions are bigger than the one in my room. Daria walks down the stairs, while Helen pursues. CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS HELEN T.V. in the living room again?? Honestly, Daria, that's all you ever do anymore! DARIA Now that my career as a stunt driver is over. HELEN Daria... I worry about you sometimes. DARIA Mom, don't bother. HELEN I know Tom's away and Jane's been busy, but isn't there anyone else you could spend time with?? DARIA Jodie's booked through 2012 and Brittany's got that "popular cheerleader from another world" thing going. So no. Daria walks over and sits down on one of the three couches. Helen plops down beside her. HELEN For God's sake, Daria, can't you take my concerns seriously for once?? DARIA I do take them seriously. But I also know that nothing I say or do will reassure you. HELEN It would if you just tried, honey. Join something for more than a week. How hard would that be? DARIA How hard was it for you? HELEN What do you mean? DARIA Oh that's right: you don't belong to anything either. HELEN Of course I do. There are the legal seminars and the breakfast meetings and golf dates with the partners -- DARIA All of which fall under the category of "work-related." HELEN (flustered) I have plenty of -- but this isn't about me. It's about you being so anti-social. DARIA I learned from the best. Helen looks like she's about to protest, then realizes that Daria has a point. She sighs, then her face grows thoughtful. HELEN Daria? What if I joined a group? DARIA I would cheer you on from the sidelines. Once I recovered from the shock. HELEN Very well, I'll do it then. (beat) Of course, there would be some strings attached... CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY Daria and Jane walk past rows of lockers. DARIA So we made a bet. JANE What? DARIA You heard me. She'll find herself hobby, while I, um... join a... school activity. Jane bursts out laughing. Daria glares at her. JANE Sooo... pep squad or the Civic Boosters society? DARIA I won't even dignify that with a response. She and Jane stop beside their lockers. DARIA (CONT'D) Whatever club I join I'll be able to quit in a week. My mom can't survive in a non work-related setting. JANE You hope. DARIA I know. Then maybe she'll finally leave me the hell alone. JANE But what if she outlasts you? DARIA Then I agree to talk to her whenever she wants, sarcasm-free. JANE You're going soft. That deal's totally in her favor. DARIA (annoyed) Thanks for the support. JANE Could be worse, though. You could have my latest problem. DARIA What do y--? Just then, JODIE walks over to them. JODIE Hey guys. JANE All hail, Activities Queen! You've got a new addition to your army of helpniks. DARIA Shut up. JODIE Daria?? JANE (faux maternal) It's true: our little Daria's becoming a joiner. DARIA Admitting defeat is sounding better and better. JODIE (amused) Come on, Daria, it's not so bad on my side of the fence. I think I can find place where your cynical outlook will feel at home. DARIA If you're thinking of the same place as me, I'll have you know I'm on my way. CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - NEWSPAPER ROOM - LATER Daria and Jane sit across a table from the EDITOR of the Lawndale Lowdown, a popular preppy type. Around them, staffers are busy putting together the next issue. EDITOR Welcome aboard, Morgendorffer! We've been waiting for you to arrive. DARIA Your prayers have been answered. EDITOR The Lowdown tries to represent all points of view, and yours would really give it some oomph. DARIA Gesundheit. JANE And how can you not write for a paper with stirring cover stories like "Cafeteria Food is Good For You"? DARIA Those exact words just crossed my mind. EDITOR That's the kind of enthusiasm I like! So how 'bout you start off by writing an opinion piece about the school? JANE You sure you know what you're asking? DARIA How can I refuse? (sour) I'm a "contributing reporter." EDITOR Welcome to the Lowdown family! He claps Daria on the back -- hard. CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - HALLWAY - LATER Daria and Jane leave the newspaper room and proceed down the hall, looking exhausted. DARIA All right, I let you in on my humiliation. What's your story? JANE (sour) My mom's teaching a sculpting class to a bunch of middle-aged yuppies. I gotta help her out. DARIA So that's why she's still at home. But doesn't teaching go against her anti structure philosophy? JANE It would if she hadn't broken her kiln. She's in desperate need of cash to replace it. DARIA So greed overrides principle yet again. JANE She loved that kiln, Daria. It was like her favorite child. DARIA (eyes Jane) And how does her unfavorite child figure in? JANE I promised to be her little gopher for six weeks if she stayed out of my room and the hell away from my paintings. DARIA Sounds like she got the better end of the deal. JANE (annoyed) We'll see who has the last laugh when you're interviewing the football players about jock itch. CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN - EVENING Daria and QUINN sit at the kitchen table, while Helen paces about nearby, talking to her boss on her cell phone. Daria is hard at work on her opinion piece. DARIA Let's see... "Sadistic bloodsuckers" or "hapless followers with no conscience or reason"? She chooses one, writes it down. QUINN You are so morbid, Daria. DARIA Someone in this screwed-up world has to be. HELEN Oh Eric, you know I always go with your judgment on these sorts of things... (a bit peevish) True, I have to cancel a few little appointments, but I'll get it done in time. (beat) Yes, you too. Good bye. DARIA So Mom, how goes hobby-hunting? Helen slams the phone down on the table. HELEN Hobby?! What with the big Mitchell case coming up, I barely have time to sleep! DARIA No time, eh? Then I guess we have nothing more to say to each other. Helen looks like she wants to protest, but again finds herself powerless in the face of Daria's logic. HELEN I've done some searching, all right?? I attended a yoga class over my lunch break. DARIA And? HELEN It was very nice, but too, um, demanding. DARIA Maybe there's a comatose class you could try. QUINN Well I for one totally support you on this whole hobby thing, Mom. Just as long as you don't pick something that will embarrass me and permanently damage my reputation. HELEN (sarcastic) Thank you, Quinn. JAKE walks in, takes a seat at the table. HELEN (CONT'D) Look Daria, I promise to find some damn hobby, all right?? JAKE Hobby? HELEN (CONT'D) But it would be easier if I could decide what I enjoy the most. What do you think I should do, Jake? JAKE Beats me. You're good at so many different things! HELEN Why thank you! (beat) Such as? JAKE Well... HELEN Well?? JAKE Er... um... Talking? HELEN Oh really?? JAKE Yeah. And oops -- dammit, there's that pesky loose floorboard creaking again. I'll go fix it! Jake runs off, while Helen watches him go with irritation. DARIA Just remember that one of us has more than adequately fulfilled her end of the bargain. She gestures at her opinion piece. HELEN (suddenly chipper) And I think it's super! I knew you could find a way to state your viewpoint and reach out to your fellow classmates. DARIA Nice burst of support. Very convincing. Too bad it won't get you anywhere. Helen's enthusiasm instantly fades. DARIA No hobby, no more coerced bonding. HELEN (annoyed) I understand. DARIA (emphatic) And it can't be work-related. CUT TO: INT. LANE BASEMENT - EVENING STUDENTS have assembled for Amanda's first class. Some chat, while others work on sculptures at tables that line the walls. TRENT observes from the corner, guitar in hand. MAN (calling) Trent? Hey Trent?? How 'bout playing a little Jefferson Airplane? TRENT Sorry, mister. I only play what comes from the soul. MAN Twenty bucks! TRENT (considers) Hmmm... Amanda walks downstairs, followed by an annoyed-looking Jane. AMANDA My, everyone's here already? JANE Where they have been for almost a half hour. AMANDA Time passes so quickly when you're in a meditative trance. She walks into the center of the room and everything grows quiet. Jane joins Trent in the corner. AMANDA I hope you've all had enough time to become spiritually attuned to your surroundings. Negative energy is such a downer when you're working with soft materials. JANE (hushed) Good thing she's not standing close to me. AMANDA (CONT'D) I could talk about who I am, your mentor, but that's not important. You're the ones who will be breathing life and soul into your sculptures, setting yourselves free... Jane looks bored. Trent starts to doze off. AMANDA (CONT'D) But I can't go on. Please tell me about yourselves. She motions at a MAN to speak. The man starts to open his mouth, when -- HELEN (O.S.) Sorry I'm late! Got stuck in a meeting then tied up in traffic on the freeway! Helen races down the stairs toward Amanda and company. HELEN (CONT'D) (rushed) Then I had to stop at home and explain to my husband how to properly reheat lasagna, then tell Quinn that Waif is not a subject in school so put away the damn magazine, then grab some high-nutrition energy booster because I had no time for dinner myself, so that's why I'm late. I'm so sorry. She exhales deeply, while the other students look at her with stunned expressions. Amanda seems pleased to see her, while Jane smirks. "Suddenly things have gotten interesting." FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY Daria and Jane sit at their usual table, eating lunch. DARIA (smirking) Then what happened? JANE First your mom had to be enlightened about the way an art class is run... FLASHBACK TO: INT. LANE BASEMENT - EVENING Helen stands at one of the tables, along with the other students. She struggles to model a figure, but the arms keep falling off. HELEN Damn it! AMANDA (coming over) Oh Helen, still haven't made peace with the clay, have we? HELEN (flustered) Amanda, I know I don't seem very good at this, but I did catch an episode of "Sculpture and You" late last night and I think I picked up a few tips -- AMANDA Helen, it's all right. HELEN (CONT'D) I'll get better, I know I will. I've never failed at anything I put my mind to. Never. AMANDA There's no need for excuses. HELEN (CONT'D) But shouldn't you be teaching us?? I really don't understand why we're paying you good money to just -- AMANDA Helen!! (regains composure) The point of this class isn't to pander to an archetypal standard of beauty. It's to express the inner you. HELEN The what? What kind of a class is that?! What's the point of taking a class in something if you can never get good at it?! Like her. She points to the WOMAN next to her. WOMAN (matter-of-fact) I minored in studio art back in college. HELEN Well aren't we awfully high and mighty! WOMAN (to Amanda) Could I please change tables?! HELEN I guess I have no choice but to stay in this class. But let me tell you, Amanda, that I am not happy with the structure of... As Helen continues to rant, Amanda listens wearily. JANE (V.O.) Let's just say she still doesn't get it. The scene changes to later that evening. Helen is working with her clay, eyeing her neighbor's work every so often. Her expression looks more peaceful. JANE (V.O.) Even so, she seemed pretty into it for a while, until... DARIA (V.O.) Yes? CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - CAFETERIA - CONTINUOUS JANE Her neighbor accused her of copying and they, um, took out their aggression on the clay. The other students got caught in the crossfire. DARIA So that's where those brown stains on her cheek came from. (smirks) This is too easy. She'll be out of there before the next class starts. JANE Meanwhile, how are things on your end, my cub reporter? FLASHBACK TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - NEWSPAPER ROOM - DAY Daria and the Editor sit at the table, Daria's opinion piece between them. EDITOR We're a paper that likes oomph, Daria. But good oomph, the right amount of oomph -- DARIA And all this time I was going for ormph. EDITOR (CONT'D) Now you see Larry there? He points to a guy with a backwards baseball cap lounging in a chair, his hairy legs propped up on a table. DARIA I've been trying not to. EDITOR (CONT'D) He is someone who can produce good oomph. Like his last article: only took him twenty minutes, but he still managed to give it a message and make it enjoyable. DARIA And to misspell half his words in the process. EDITOR A minor technicality. DARIA Listen, I just wrote what I see. You did know that's how I write, don't you? EDITOR All I knew is that you get straight A's and Mr. O'Neill thinks you're some kind of God. That's good enough for me. Daria rolls her eyes. EDITOR (CONT'D) But if you don't feel like brightening things up, that's okay! We can still use you on the paper. JANE (V.O.) For? CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - CAFETERIA - CONTINUOUS DARIA (sour) Survey taking. She takes out a SHEET OF PAPER and hands it to Jane. JANE "Name your favorite topical skin cleanser. Oxy... Noxema"... oh good Lord. DARIA Well, which one? JANE Is this their attempt to bore you off the staff? DARIA Probably. But whatever I do, I'll stick it out. (beat) Unless they make me a fashion reporter. CUT TO: INT. HELEN'S SUV - EVENING Helen drives along a congested freeway, talking on her cell phone. A stack of files sits on the passenger side seat. HELEN Hello? Amanda? AMANDA (V.O.) Helen. Somehow I sensed you would call. HELEN Uh, right. Listen, I'm not going to make it to class this week. I've got so much work to do. AMANDA (V.O.) Now Helen, are you still upset about your creative capabilities? Or because Patty called you a "nasty gutless whiny sell out"? HELEN Uh... No, no really Amanda, I'm a busy woman. (more insistent) Maybe you have time to roam across the county on a whim, but I have a major case that needs my attention. I'm sorry! Beat. AMANDA (V.O.) So am I. Somehow it seemed you could use my class more than anyone. Helen looks like she's about to protest, but then slowly her expression becomes thoughtful. CUT TO: INT. LANE BASEMENT - LATER Jane stands in the corner, watching Helen struggle with the clay once again, while the other students eye her warily. JANE Back for Round Two, I see. Trent walks over to her, stuffing some dollar bills down his shirt. JANE Don't you have rehearsal? TRENT The gigs pay better here. Besides, there's more entertainment. He nods toward Helen. Jane smirks. JANE I'll say. Amanda strolls around the room, admiring the wide variety of sculptures in progress. Once she sees Helen's work, though, she frowns. AMANDA Helen, Helen... when I look at your sculpture, I see clay that's trapped. Repressed. It has no spirit. HELEN (beyond frustrated) Well what do you want?! Why bother to shape the clay at all, then?! AMANDA You see -- HELEN I mean clay has to be trapped somehow if it's to become a sculpture! JANE (to Trent) Weird: I kind of feel sorry for her. TRENT Yeah. AMANDA (to Helen) But there's a difference between "trapped" and "formed." Trapped clay has no life. You're still trying to make something from outside of you. HELEN I don't understand. How in God's name do I make something from inside of you?! AMANDA Just clear your mind. It's as I was telling Janey about geometric -- JANE Would you stop with the geometric versus swirls, already?! Amanda looks at Jane with surprise, unaware she was listening. She chuckles. AMANDA Children. HELEN (understanding) Oh yes. The only reason I'm in this class is to prove a point to Daria about trying new things. She can't spend all her life watching T.V., now, can she?? AMANDA Not during the commercials, at least. HELEN (CONT'D) And even if I lose my right to talk to her again, at least she'll have broadened her horizons. (then) Dammit, shut me out, will she?! She seizes the clay and starts beating it furiously. HELEN (CONT'D) What's wrong with me wanting a silly little chat with her now and then?! What is she afraid of?! What did I ever --?! AMANDA Helen! That's amazing! Helen pauses with surprise. Amanda points at her sculpture, which is now in a bizarre mushroom shape. CUT TO: EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH - DAY Daria and Jane stand out on the lawn, giving a survey to two of their most mentally-challenged peers, KEVIN and his girlfriend, BRITTANY. Daria is thoroughly bored. DARIA For the thousandth time, Kevin. (reads) Who are today's biggest "betties" and "hotties"? KEVIN And for the thousandeth time, Daria, I don't know anyone named Betty! JANE Then who was in your backseat yesterday? KEVIN (CONT'D) And "hottie"... isn't that like a name of some rock group? "Hottie and the Blow Fish"? JANE They're both full of hot air. Daria groans with disgust and doesn't even bother to respond. Brittany slips her arms around Kevin's waist. BRITTANY Oh Kevvy, you're so sexy. You'll always be the Number One Hottie in my book. KEVIN But Babe, I don't even sing! All other protests are quickly cut off as Brittany starts making out with Kevin. They do so noisily for several long beats, oblivious to Daria and Jane. Finally Daria clears her throat. BRITTANY Do you mind? This is personal! With that, she and Kevin leave. Daria numbly allows the survey sheets to fall from her hands. JANE Need a break? DARIA Need a coffin. For them or me. Doesn't matter. JANE Or maybe it's time for some different surveys. She puts on a wicked smirk, which Daria picks up on, and slowly returns. CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN - EVENING Daria and Quinn sit at the table, Quinn reading the latest issue of the Lowdown. Helen walks over and lays down a pan of lasagna. HELEN Daria, why didn't you tell us the school paper was out?? DARIA My humility got the better of me. HELEN Well I want to see what you've written. QUINN (flipping the pages) I don't see you anywhere, Daria. DARIA (embarrassed) I am on staff, just not as a regular reporter. HELEN Then what do you do? QUINN God, who gives these surveys?? "If the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync fought to the death, who would you want to see killed and why?" (beat, to Daria) Oh. It was you. DARIA Surprise. HELEN Surveys?? DARIA The society column was taken. HELEN I don't understand. Why didn't they let you write something?? Surely they know how talented you are. DARIA (bitter) All they care about is that every person's viewpoint matches their own. HELEN But... DARIA I'm contributing to the paper and I'm interacting with other people. That's really all that matters, isn't it? HELEN Er, sure. Of course it is. She starts cutting the lasagna. Meanwhile, Jake walks in and takes a seat at the table. DARIA (to Helen) So, Jane told me about your art class -- Helen drops the spatula, forces a chuckle. HELEN Oh-ho, Jane! I suppose she told you I looked a little absurd. DARIA That's putting it mildly. HELEN But, um, just remember that she's probably not used to seeing people with less artistic experience work with the materials. DARIA If you say so. HELEN But I am enjoying the class. Really. DARIA Sure. HELEN True, I have to alter my work schedule to fit it in, and I hate being away from all of you... but when I think about going, I get a little excited. DARIA (surprised) Really? HELEN I like getting to create something with my own two hands rather than have it be pre-made and prepackaged for me. QUINN Ewww, with your hands?? For the love of God, Mother, think of your poor skin! Helen sighs. HELEN Look, I'm as surprised as you are by how it's grown on me. I've never thought of myself as artistic. Did you, Jake? JAKE Huh? Um, sure honey. HELEN (irritated) Jake, did you even hear what I just said?? JAKE Something about having poor skin, right? There's nothing wrong with a line or two at your age! (long beat) Honey? CUT TO: INT. LANE BASEMENT - EVENING Helen is now working on a wire structure on top of a long wooden board. She leans over to pour some plaster into a nearby bowl of water as Jane walks over with a basket of art supplies. JANE So, you've given up on clay, huh? HELEN (defensive) It was just getting too easy for me. Plaster requires more planning and should be much more interesting to work with. She sets the plaster bowl on the opposite end of the board from the sculpture and picks up a pair of pliers. JANE You sure you know what you're doing? HELEN Of course I do! Now just run along, this is all part of the learning process. (then, quietly) Not that some people would care. JANE Huh? HELEN (to herself) Oh no, don't care about what I have to say, don't listen to what I think. (then) Dammit, why won't this stupid thing stay put?! She refastens a loose wire JANE Need help? HELEN I'm fine! (to herself) I want to help them out, I want to be there for them, but do I ever get that consideration in return?? From any of them?! (cuts herself) Owww! JANE Here's a rag. (hands it to Helen) Look, watch the plaster, or it'll tip over. As Jane walks away, Helen looks at her work, tears filling her eyes. HELEN Dammit, I hate this thing! Why does everything I've set out to do go wrong?! She begins beating the structure furiously with her pliers. The force causes a corner of the board to creep over the edge of the table. HELEN (CONT'D) Quinn and Jake all but ignore me, and Daria threatens to close herself off for good. I just don't know what to do, anymore! She brings her pliers down sharply on the vulnerable corner of the board. JANE Dammit, look out! Too late. Like something shot out of a catapult, the bucket of mud-like plaster flies up and overturns on Helen's head. FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. LANE KITCHEN - NIGHT Jane and Trent are sitting at the table as Amanda leads Helen into the room. Helen has been scrubbed free of plaster, but the lingering stiffness has caused part of her hair to stand straight up. AMANDA (to Helen) It was so fascinating how, for that brief moment in time, you and the art became one. How I wish I could have had that experience. HELEN (grouchy) Believe me, so do I. (moves toward the phone) I need to call home. Trent gazes at her hair. TRENT Wow, cool look. Helen fingers a few locks. As the evening's events hit her, her face grows pale and tears fill her eyes. JANE (to Trent) Nice one, Hendrix. TRENT I was just -- HELEN Oh who am I kidding?! Whatever made me think I could take this on?! She collapses in a chair beside Jane and Trent. AMANDA (soothing) Yes, plaster can be terribly stubborn, which is why I discourage first-time students from -- HELEN I mean this class! I'm no artist! I can barely finger paint, for heaven's sake! AMANDA But don't you enjoy the class, Helen? HELEN Maybe a little. All right, more than a little, but it doesn't matter. I could have done things that were much more important. JANE Such as? HELEN Spending time with my family, catching up on the paperwork that's been piling. (sob) Dammit, there's so much to do and never enough time! I've just been goofing off! What made me think I could do that? (sobs harder) JANE Maybe... because you're a human being? This comment does not register with Helen, who is too busy sobbing and sniffling. AMANDA What Janey means is that it's natural for each person to want some time to themself now and then. HELEN Maybe so, but is that any excuse? AMANDA (firm) It has to be. If you don't take time to explore that Heleny-ness inside you, how else can you learn to love your faults as well as your virtues? JANE "Heleny-ness"?? TRENT Whoa, Mom. That was deep. AMANDA Thank you, dear. HELEN (more sober) I think I see you're saying. (sighs) But I've never put aside time to do something just because I enjoy it -- especially something that I'm bad at. Everyone expects me to be perfect. TRENT Sounds pretty rough. JANE Yeah. No one can be perfect all the time. Helen's shoulders sag, as if she's realizing this for the first time. CUT TO: EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH - DAY Daria and Jane stand out on the grass, once again conducting a survey for some fellow STUDENTS. DARIA (reading) If you found out the teachers were all from another planet -- JANE A thing we've suspected for some time. DARIA -- which planet would they come from? STUDENTS Mars!/Pluto!/Endor! DARIA Lovely. (writes it down) JANE (reading) And if these alien teachers were plotting a world takeover, which weapon of mass destruction would they choose? DARIA Nuclear explosives, stun guns, or the complete collection of John Tesh's greatest hits? Beat. STUDENTS The third one. DARIA Superb. (writes) Now the final question: could alien teachers never exposed to our culture possibly do a worse job teaching us than the ones who pass for human? The students look at each other and shrug, confused. DARIA Surprise, surprise. Thank you for participating, and have a nice day. The students glance at her strangely, then walk off. JANE That wasn't the last question. DARIA I know. I just felt like getting rid of them. (sighs) These new surveys aren't as much fun as I thought they'd be. JANE They're still better than those other ones. DARIA Not really. There's nothing thought provoking, nothing that attempts to educate the student body. So of course, my editor loves them. JANE That alone would drain the thrill from your act of rebellion. DARIA At least my mother's suffering worse than I am. JANE Not exactly. DARIA What?? JANE I think she's sticking it out for the long haul. It's time for Plan B. DARIA So no more humiliation? JANE Um, no. Last class was pretty quiet. DARIA Great. (sighs) There is no Plan B. JANE No back-up scheme? DARIA I never thought I would need one. But now, if I have to be stuck on the paper watching people act stupider every day, I'll lose my sanity. I'm gonna quit. JANE And lose the bet? DARIA Yeah. JANE Hmm, so I guess that's your Plan B. CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN - EVENING Helen sits at the kitchen table, which is covered with newspapers and a square wooden board. Upon the board lies an amorphous heap of clay that Helen has been molding, using several different utensils. Daria enters the room, glances at her work. DARIA So Dad's Tuna Surprise clawed its way out of the drain, huh? Helen stabs a fork into the clay. DARIA I think it's already dead. HELEN Oh no. I... I just thought some holes would add texture. She looks at her work with a defeated expression, as if wondering whether it could ever be considered "good." HELEN Daria? Do you enjoy being on the school paper at all? DARIA Enjoyment has so many levels. In my case, they're all basement. HELEN I don't want you to do it just to please me. (then) I know, I know, we have our little bet going, but I'd just as soon drop it if you'd be happier. DARIA (surprised) You would? HELEN I wanted you to try something different, but if you don't feel like it's you, if you're not getting what you want out of it, by all means... quit. She again glances at her sculpture, which Daria catches. DARIA Don't know if I should quit now. Things may have started off slow, but I think I'm hitting my stride. If you know what I mean. Helen looks at her and does, indeed, catch her meaning. She nods. CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY Daria and Jane walk toward the newspaper room. JANE So, ready to tell your editor where to shove his oily charm? DARIA Actually, I think I've had a change of heart. JANE You?? DARIA I've been so focused on beating my mother, I haven't fulfilled my potential with this damned paper. JANE Yeah, your evil powers haven't exactly been on full throttle, lately. DARIA And I'd never forgive myself if I quit without showing those jerks on staff what a real article looks like. CUT TO: INT. LANE BASEMENT - EVENING Helen stands at her table, working at the sculpture we saw earlier, which has now grown in size and complexity. Amanda walks over. AMANDA Now there is a piece that has spirit infused into it! HELEN Oh. Thank you. AMANDA And you have plaster as part of your base. So your little accident didn't frighten you away. HELEN (sheepish) No, no, I decided it was worth another try. AMANDA The rigidity of the plaster juxtaposed against the pliancy of the clay... how metaphoric. HELEN Um, right. AMANDA It will be a real treat to view when it's on display. Beat. HELEN Display?! Amanda walks to the center of the room and beckons to the class to give her their attention. AMANDA Everyone, I thought for our farewell class in two weeks we could display our work upstairs. For us to look at and share ideas, and for a few friends to see. How does that sound? The class murmurs with approval. HELEN But isn't that like some sort of judging?! I didn't think -- you told me this wasn't that kind of class! Now the class groans at Helen's all-too-familiar agitation. AMANDA (kind) It'd be more of an exhibit. Nothing to worry about. HELEN But still, people will judge it harshly in their minds. I know I do whenever I visit an art exhibit. AMANDA Then you can explain your purpose for making the piece. Helen, no single criticism can take away the value of art, just as no one person can define what it represents. Helen nods slowly, trying to take comfort. AMANDA (CONT'D) And how can you pass up the chance to show your loved ones there's more to you than meets the eye, hmm? Helen smiles faintly, but clearly still has reservations. CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM - EVENING Daria walks down the stairs holding several sheets of paper, which she examines with great interest. As she enters the living room, she sees Jake alone on one of the couches. He is mumbling to himself, pretending to be with Helen. JAKE Well gee honey, I think it's great you've been taking an art class. (then) No, no! More enthusiasm, or she won't believe you! (practicing) Your sculptures are great. You're great! Daria watches him for a bit. Then, shaking her head, she walks toward the kitchen. CUT TO: INT. LANE LIVING ROOM - EVENING The furniture has been cleared out of the living room to make way for tables with the sculptures on them. Several guests mill about the room, examining the work. Off in a corner stand Jane, Trent, and JESSE, Trent's friend from his band, Mystik Spiral. TRENT I'm sure gonna miss this class. Best paying gigs I've ever gotten. JESSE Yeah, you've been holding out on us, man! TRENT Sorry, bro. JANE (looks around) Mom really deserves credit for the way she's been acting the last six weeks. Supportive, mature, almost... cool. She put a lot of work into this exhibit. (beat) Trent? Um, where is Mom? TRENT Oh yeah. She said the spirits of the desert were calling, so she took the first bus out to Arizona this morning. JANE (annoyed) That figures. Daria enters the room along with her family. She walks over to Jane and company. JANE Hey Daria. TRENT & JESSE Hey. DARIA Hey to you. (looks around) So this is what my mom's been up to. JANE What say we take a swing around for closer inspection? DARIA Do I have a choice? JANE Yeah. You could talk about Mystik Spiral's future with Trent and Jesse. Daria promptly follows Jane. ON JAKE AND HELEN Across the room, they are looking at the sculptures. Helen seems distracted and worried, while Jake looks at the displays with awe. JAKE Wow, they really thought of everything tonight! So where's your sculpture, Helen? ON DARIA AND JANE ...who are examining one sculpture. JANE It's called "If Nature Took Over." DARIA More like "If the Swamp Creature Took Over." What the hell is this supposed to be? JANE An homage to Saturday B-movie horror flicks? DARIA Hmm. She decides the sculpture isn't so bad after all. ON QUINN Daria and Jane walk over to where she is standing, in front of a sculpture of a man trapped in a block of wood. QUINN This is, like, so depressing. DARIA Really? Kind of reminds me of my life. ON JAKE AND HELEN Helen spies a crowd growing around her sculpture, which is hidden from view. She glances at Jake, who is absorbed in playing with a mechanical sculpture. ON DARIA, JANE, AND QUINN They are gazing at a MAN posing, his visible parts bare. JANE Eduardo believes the human body is the ultimate work of art. DARIA & QUINN (aroused) Hmmmmmm... ON JAKE AND HELEN Helen inches closer to the GROUP OF MEN AND WOMEN around her statue, strains to hear what their saying. MAN Interesting design. Look at the curves. WOMAN It looks like it could leap out at you. MAN 2 This thing's got emotions, no doubt about it. Slowly Helen smiles, realizing her work isn't getting ripped apart. Daria, Quinn, and Jane walk over, and the sculpture is at last revealed. It looms over everyone like a giant wave, brightly-colored and complexly designed. QUINN Wow! That looks like a monster! (looks at her mother, ashamed) A cute one, though, not one of those ugly ones. HELEN It's okay, sweetie, you were just being honest. JANE Took you a long time to make, didn't it? HELEN Yes, it did. JANE It shows. Helen blushes a little. HELEN Um, what do you think, Daria? DARIA I'd rather know what you were thinking when you made this. HELEN All right. Sure. I... well I guess I wasn't thinking. That's why I liked it. (sheepish) It's too incoherent, isn't it? I couldn't even give it a name. DARIA That's okay -- it doesn't need one. And contrary to your belief, the meaning is pretty clear. HELEN It is? DARIA Yeah. She and Helen share knowing looks. Just then Jake runs over and gazes at the sculpture. His face takes on a practiced look of amazement. JAKE Is that your sculpture, sweetheart?? Wow! It looks great! Best damned sculpture in the room! HELEN Why thank you, Jakey. What catches your eye in particular? JAKE (caught off guard) Um... I have to give a reason? (long beat) Well gee, it's um... well... Wait, I'll tell you. Just give me a minute. It's, um, big. Yeah! Wait, no. It's, um, got colors and, um... Jake goes red; his plan to show he is a supportive husband is rapidly backfiring. Helen closes her eyes wearily. CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - NEWSPAPER ROOM - DAY Daria sits at a table across from the Editor and the rest of the staff. EDITOR Daria, I thought we'd agreed on what comprised acceptable oomphiness. DARIA I think you had. EDITOR And this article is not oomphy. Students don't want to read a freakin' novel, they want stuff that's short, punchy. DARIA A postcard? EDITOR And your topic's a real downer. I thought you were happy doing surveys. LARRY Yeah. I liked that space alien stuff. DARIA Look, I didn't write this to be "downbeat". It's an intensive study backed by secondary research of the problems at our school. Most of the material came from our peers. EDITOR How? DARIA Through survey taking. EDITOR Are you saying you abused your survey privileges, Daria? DARIA It pains me to admit it. EDITOR I just don't get you. You know the Lowdown is supposed to be an escape, right? DARIA You said it tried to represent everyone's point of view. LARRY Ha-ha, that's a good one! DARIA I'll say. I don't expect everyone to read my damn article, but I do think it's got a right to be in the paper. The Editor, Larry, and the rest of the NEWSPAPER STAFF glance at each other as if considering. DARIA (CONT'D) So if you can be big enough to accept my work, I think we'll all be pleasantly surprised by the response... CUT TO: EXT. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - LATER Daria and Jane walk up the front walkway. JANE You think that got you kicked off the staff? DARIA Probably. But they hid behind a technicality: my margins were too wide. JANE Figures. Well, at least you tried. DARIA It's enough to drive a cynical stake through the sunniest of hearts. Except... JANE Yes? DARIA My heart's already too damned cynical to begin with. So I may have to try this again sometime. CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Daria opens the door, and she and Jane walk inside. JANE So this bet experience wasn't a total loss. How's your mom been? DARIA Since class ended, she's been back at the grindstone with a vengeance. I haven't heard a single word that's art-related. JANE And my mother's in Arizona, trying to channel the spirits of the desert through her new kiln. So I guess things are back to normal. They walk over to the kitchen table, which is blanketed with newspapers. On top sits a clay heap on a wooden board, with several forks sticking out of it. Daria smirks. DARIA Or maybe not. FADE OUT. THE END