DARIA DISENFRANCHISED PART II
Written & Directed By:
NapalmKracken
SCENE: WELCOME BACK, DARIA (HHS INTERIOR)
Black. Ambient classroom noises.
CASSANDRA (voice over) Daria. Daria wake up.
Daria’s POV- as she grumbles her eyes open and blink. Cassandra, a willowy brunette with glasses in a blue dress is shaking her awake.
DARIA They rung the bell already?
We change to a view of the two girls at Daria’s desk at Mr. Van Driessen’s class in HHS. The classroom is practically empty since class has ended. The hippie teacher David Van Driessen can be seen leaving the room. Daria straightens up and tries to come awake. Cassandra lets out a small laugh.
Daria is in her pre-Daria khaki/beige outfit; brown skirt, khaki over shirt and
black T-shirt. Brown hiking bots and black leggings.
CASSANDRA You’re amazing Morgendorffer. Today’s a special day and you’re treating it like Tuesday.
DARIA (very slowly and tired) That’s
because every Tuesday is special. Taco Tuesday only comes once a week. The only
day more special than Tuesday is the occasional Monday. Such as yesterday’s Monday
Marathon Madness of Sick Sad World (huge yawn) till
CASSANDRA You stayed up and- (shakes her head) At least one of us has her priorities straight.
DARIA I don’t give a damn if I have to meet the president of
the
Daria stands up. She and Cassandra walk out of the classroom. This conversation continues as they walk down the student laden hall. As they walk at some point Daria looks up at a clock on the wall.
CASSANDRA If I didn’t know you so well I would have thought you were being sincere.
DARIA Well thank God someone has me pegged.
CASSANDRA I know we’re not friends per se but I’d like to think we have an understanding of each other.
DARIA You overestimate me. I belittle you. We trade unappetizing lunch items. I’d call that a working knowledge.
CASSANDRA With anyone else I’d call that friendship.
DARIA Aren’t we special?
CASSANDRA Then maybe we can share a table with Stewart for lunch today.
DARIA Not that special. Honestly, why do you bother with me?
CASSANDRA Because you’re truly talented and refuse to show it. No potential should go to waste.
DARIA That’s what they said about Uranium.
The Presidents of the
SCENE: MEETING OF THE MINDS (HHS GYM)
HHS Gym. A large gym of typical construction, there is a stage and podium erected in the center of the basketball court. Men in black roam the room; the marching band is prepping near an entrance. People are filling the bleachers. A section has been set aside for VIPS and another is roped off. Daria and Cassandra are walking through and entrance and heading for the roped off bleachers.
DARIA What I don’t get is why I was chosen for this instead of you.
CASSANDRA You’re photogenic, have a winning smile and have never been involved in possible anti-American activities or eco-terrorism.
DARIA Too bad you only have 3 out of 4.
CASSANDRA I regret nothing. Those trees needed saving.
DARIA Oh, 2 out of 4 then. That makes us even.
CASSANDRA I submitted your name as a possible replacement for me.
DARIA I thought you thought of yourself as my friend?
CASSANDRA (smirks) Malicious benefactor.
DARIA Now I’m willing to wager you’re the one who called my parents and told them about this.
CASSANDRA Remember what I said about your potential Daria?
DARIA Sadistic optimist.
Daria sits at the roped off bleachers at her spot- it’s marked with a flash card that sports her name on one side and ‘acceptable questions’ on the other. She looks around at the other students. They’re hand picked honor students representing all races and ethnicities at the school and with a 1:1 male/female ratio.
CASSANDRA Highland Honor students.
DARIA I hate Highland Honor students.
A man in black takes to the podium.
MIB All non-essential personnel please clear the floor. Everyone else to your positions.
CASSANDRA Good luck Daria.
Cassandra exits the scene. Daria sighs and reads through her card. Pulling a
pen from her pocket she starts making changes to it.
BUTT-HEAD Check it out, Diarrhea has a pass too.
BEAVIS I bet it’s a bathroom pass. Yeah, he-he-m-he-he.
The boys take seats beside her.
DARIA (points out the door) Detention is that way.
BUTT-HEAD Um, like the men in black brought us here.
BEAVIS Yeah. They flashed me and like I forget stuff.
BUTT-HEAD Like wiping? Uh-huh.
DARIA I guess the two of you balance out the rest of this ensemble.
BUTT-HEAD What?
BEAVIS Words suck.
DARIA (sighs) I just insinuated that in a room with twelve intellectuals and/or honor students representing intelligence instead of twelve intellectually devoid morons to even things out it merely takes the two of you wallowing in your complete and utter idiocy.
The boys are frozen and dumb founded.
BUTT-HEAD Uh…Your name is Diarrhea.
BEAVIS Diarrhea cha, cha, cha! Diarrhea cha, cha, cha!
Daria shakes her head as the band strikes up with the Beavis & Butt-Head Theme which leads into Hail to the Chief. As the band plays Tabitha Soren (CAMEO: TABITHA SOREN) takes to the podium.
TABITHA I’m Tabitha Soren and I’d like to welcome everyone here today for our meeting with the president!
BUTT-HEAD She got held back.
BEAVIS Dumbass! (pause) Hey Butt-Head, that chick is playing the flute. It’s pretty cool.
BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh, I bet you like playing the flute. Uh-huh.
BEAVIS Yeah, he-he. All the time.
BUTT-HEAD The skin flute.
BEAVIS Ah! Take that back! Oh wait, never mind. He-he. You’re pretty smart sometimes Butt-Head.
DARIA Boys, if you get me a coke you can keep the buck fifty.
She holds out two dollars to them. Butt-Head snaps it up.
BUTT-HEAD Deal!
DARIA HEB Cola please.
BUTT-HEAD Uh… they don’t sell that at school.
DARIA (Smirks) That’s why you have a pass, right?
BUTT-HEAD Um... oh yeah.
The boys get up to go.
DARIA Take all the time you need.
They exit the scene. Daria sits back contently. We refocus on Tabitha Soren.
TABITHA …where he single handedly saved the boll weevil from extinction. Then he became our president!
Amid clapping and cat calls the president* (CAMEO: DARRELL HAMMOND) take the stage and Tabitha exits it. Signs are held up with statements that range from ‘We love you!’ to ‘You My Baby Daddy’.
* This is not meant to represent any real president but rather a Southern fried one, Darrell Hammond has played both Bush and Clinton therefore he is the obvious choice.
PRESIDENT Howdy y’all.
CROWD (yells) HOWDY!
PRESIDENT Now I could sit up here all day, jaw jackin’ about what once was and what is, but today we’re going to talk about what’s gonna be. I know for a fact the future can be kinda scary especially when you’re waiting for a piece of mail you don’t want.
DARIA (to herself) A half off subscription to Wet Hooters.
INTELLIGENSA PRICK (whispers to Daria) He means a Vietnam-era draft card you trog.
DARIA Really? Maybe you can answer this question of mine. How many fingers am I holding up?
We go to a reaction shot of the nerd. Daria smirks, then her eyes lock onto her parents in the audience. Jake is holding a video camera so she quickly puts her finger down.
TABITHA (off screen) And now, let us welcome our first randomly selected student speaker, Dar-I-uh Morgendorffer!
Daria takes to the stage. The microphone is set too tall for her so she takes a moment to readjust it.
DARIA Mr. President, in your campaign you said you wanted a college education
for all young people. Did you mean that or where you just jerking us around?
PRESIDENT I did! One, it’s crucial to the economy, two as individuals the value off sets the cost-
Suddenly a giant banner unfurls from the rafters; it is ridden by Beavis and Butt-Head. The banner separates Daria from the President. The boys are on the president side of the giant “Thanks for coming!” banner.
PRESIDENT What’s goin’ on?!
BUTT-HEAD Um, if you don’t tell anyone we did that we’ll give you a dollar.
Daria walks around the banner.
DARIA (high-pitched) Beavis and Butt-Head!
BEAVIS Hey Diarrhea. We got lost.
PRESIDENT Did you do that just to meet me?
BUTT-HEAD Um…okay.
PRESIDENT Well then.
The president stands so that Daria is obscured in the scene.
PRESIDENT These boys represent the
future of this great country. They did not wait for selection but rather
selected themselves to meet me. They chose an objective and rode until the end.
Truly an inspiration to their nation and their generation! I declare these two
boys
Video Camera POV- massive clapping and flash bulbs going off. This is instantly replaced by the Sick, Sad World Logo.
SSW ANNOUNCER Why do ghosts scream at night? Apparitions who fear the dark coming up on the next Sick, Sad World!
SCENE: REELING IN THE YEARS (MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM)
The TV screen goes black. We pull out to see Daria wedged between Helen and Jake on the sofa in the living room.
DARIA They never gave me my two dollars back.
JAKE I am still so proud of you!
HELEN Wasn’t that great Daria? My daughter met the president!
DARIA (mumbles) And then I met his vice.
She hops off the couch.
DARIA Well my punishment is over so I’ll take my leave of you.
HELEN Not so fast Daria.
She reaches over the side of the couch and brings up Daria’s school chocolate bar box.
DARIA You know you could have just executed me.
HELEN (smiles) Not in this state dear.
As she does the opening chords to You’re Standing on My Neck play up. She takes the box and exits the scene.
OPENING CREDITS
Song: Splendora’s You’re Standing on My Neck (Daria Theme Song)
An animated Daria is drawn into the scene. She looks kind of surprised and looks at herself. An animated Jane walks in too holding the first of the credits. They pass around credits; get them dropped on them, etc. In the end we pull out to see Jane at an easel doing the work with a big smirk on her face. (Think Looney Tunes)
BCM-7 PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
DARIA DISENFRANCHISED PART II
SCENE: LATE OR EARLY (LANE RESIDENCE)
The Getaway People’s She Gave Me Love plays on the ‘Lexus’ radio. It gets lower in volume as Daria distances herself from the car.
An establishing shot of the Lane Homestead at
Daria knocks on the door. No response. Again.
Same results. She pushes on the front door and it
swings open for her. Daria steps in and shuts the door after her. She fiddles
with the lock for a moment then gives up.
Once inside incredibly loud music, The Offspring’s All I Want is heard blaring from the basement, She Gave Me Love vanishes at this point.
Cut to the basement. The basement is similar to how it was on the show. Instruments are everywhere to denote this was a band practice. The Mystik Spiral banner is protruding from the washer.
Nick is looking through a catalogue on the stereo while Jesse and Trent talk at a card table. Max is grabbing a beer from the basement’s mini-fridge. The music is so loud only Jesse and Trent can hear each other.
MAX I think the power’s out
MAX (louder) The power’s out ‘cause your beer is warm.
NICK After the song!
NICK What!
NICK Yeah!
The song ends. Nick yells out the last line.
NICK Okay!
MAX Not cool. Anyway
MAX Oh. Why didn’t you say so when I put them in?
MAX We can chalk that up to ‘no’ then.
NICK (referring to the magazine) Hey Max, what’s up with these mini-bongs?
MAX How should I know? I’m just an urban mystic; I can’t use the Force and look at the damn book from here!
NICK The… here’s the name- The ‘
MAX If they’re in that catalogue then they are.
JESSE Yeah?
He looks out the basement windows and sees its light.
TRENT Not night.
JESSE Yeah.
TRENT Do you ever get the feeling we have more passion for our art than we have art to show for our passion?
JESSE (indeterminate) Yeah.
MAX (sits down at the table) Its quality not quantity man. Nice quote though, who’d you hear that art/passion bit from?
TRENT It’s written on my forearm.
MAX Groovy.
NICK (calls over from the stereo) It was in a Rush song.
MAX How the Hell would you know?
NICK Because I know these things!
MAX Wussy.
NICK My sister loves Rush okay?!
TRENT Um guys, we came here to practice right?
MAX Kick ass. (takes a drink)
TRENT Did we even pick up our instruments tonight?
JESSE Yeah.
Dead air.
TRENT He’s completely trashed isn’t he?
JESSE Yeah.
Max snaps his fingers in front of Jesse’s face. No response.
MAX Sure we did
MAX My bad. Forgot, we didn’t get pizza last time. That was the…the… it happened once okay? If all else fails we’ll call ourselves the Howard Street Social Club, bring strippers and beer down here once a week and throw on Behind My Eyelids.
TRENT The player is busted.
MAX My bad again.
TRENT We got to do something. We have to keep our eyes on the prize.
MAX (drains his beer) So you want we should get behind those instruments and kick out the jams?
MAX Cool, but first let’s hit a drive-thru I’m starving.
JESSE Yeah. (pause) Is it time for Oprah? (pause) I have issues.
NICK I call shotgun!
We follow Nick over to the stairs. Daria is standing at the top of them.
TRENT Hey Daria, when did you get here?
DARIA (slightly nervous) Um, after the good part I’m sure.
TRENT You missed the practice.
MAX Or maybe she just showed up early for the next one.
DARIA (slightly nervous) I came to see if Jane was down here, guess not. Is she up?
JESSE Which one?
DARIA A little after the first one.
TRENT Probably not. Of course she
sometimes doesn’t go to sleep until after the first one.
DARIA Thank you
Daria starts to leave the basement.
SCENE: REINTRODUCING
DMX’s Lose My Mind blares on Jane’s stereo.
We start in tight on a blissfully sleeping Jane sprawled out on her bed. Her stereo is turned down considerably. Jane jumps as Daria’s banging begins. Daria is banging on a pot with a spoon. Jane’s room is a tangled mess of clothing and art supplies. On her easel is a half finished portrait of John Belushi.
DARIA (quickly and mechanically) Reveille. Reveille. Reveille. All hands heave
out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lited. The
uniform of the day is whatever doesn’t smell. Reveille.
Reveille. Now reveille.
Jane is very groggy still but sitting up right with her eyes shut. She mumbles some gibberish in Spanish.
JANE I hope that’s not the wok.
DARIA Trent says good morning.
JANE What’s he doing up?
DARIA Bribing me to annoy you.
JANE What are you doing here?
DARIA Annoying you.
JANE Besides the obvious?
DARIA Like I said the other night we have work to do.
JANE Ah-ha. You said we where working today, I didn’t.
DARIA It was implied since you got me into this.
JANE Your parents punished you not me.
DARIA You coerced me into the candy sales.
JANE You killed my lone wolf image.
DARIA You need a passing grade on your math test.
JANE Damn.
SCENE: EASY RIDER (LANE RESIDENCE/
Downstairs Lane residence.
NOTE: We can see the black stem of a pair of sunglasses hanging out the pocket of her red over shirt.
JANE (to
He smirks.
DARIA (sniffs) I don’t think that shirt was from the fresh pile.
JANE Who are you my mother?
DARIA How would your mother know what you wore this week?
JANE I’d renounce our friendship if those words weren’t so true. That’s why I like you.
They exit the house. The Tank is gone. Jane sees the wrecked art thing on the lawn and they stop.
Baz Luhrman’s Wear Sunscreen is on the Lexus’ radio. Jake is speaking along with it as he picks his ears.
JANE Oh I’m preparing a Roman dinner tonight for Trent and the boys.
DARIA Wouldn’t cyanide be easier?
JANE Too pricey.
DARIA Not asking.
JANE You’re a smart one, you know that? (Shifts her focus to Jake) That’s your Dad?
DARIA Mom went butch.
JANE (malicious grin) Rogue Two standing by.
DARIA Attack Pattern Delta.
Jane takes lead before Daria and hops in the front seat of the car.
JANE Shotgun!
Daria gets in the back.
DARIA Cobain.
JAKE (laughs) Hey girls.
JANE Mr. Morgendorffer I presume.
Jake offers her a handshake.
JAKE Jake Morgendorffer!
These last three lines are voiced over as we watch them drive off.
JAKE What’s a Cobain?
JANE Seat behind shotgun.
JAKE Eeeeewwww.
SCENE: LOITERING AIN’T EASY (ABBY TERKHULE EXTERIOR)
“Weird Al” Yankovic’s Genius in France plays us in.
Morgendorffer Consulting. It’s in a
nice, new business center of slick glass and stucco construction with a large,
lit road side sign reading “
A pair of lawn chairs are in front of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting, Inc. In between the chairs is a quadruple stack of candy bars. Jane is setting up an easel and Daria is sitting in one of the chairs reading the newspaper.
JANE So nice of your dad to let me borrow this.
DARIA Making a motivational poster?
JANE If by ‘motivational’ you mean ‘money making’ then yes.
Jane takes a Sharpie and starts using it on the easel.
DARIA You’re psychotic and I’m bland, by
JANE (smirks) Let me worry about that Rogue One.
DARIA (groans) We should have watched Joe’s Apartment instead of Empire last night.
JANE (singing) Welcome to Joe’s Apartment- Apartment- Apartment! His place is my place too!
DARIA Please don’t waste your angelic singing voice on
my uncaring ears.
Jane moves to retort but pauses and thinks before speaking.
JANE Daria… You’ve inspired me.
Jane works quickly as she and Daria trade words then she turns her easel towards us; Daria has her back to it and therefore can’t see it.
DARIA Is it just me or are you more annoying than usual this morning?
JANE You awoke the sleeping giant Daria, now whose fault is that?
On the easel Jane has drawn an arrow pointing to Daria and these words:
ALBANIAN WAR ORPHAN
Choir girl lost her formerly angelic singing voice to a burst of SKS fire.
Please help her rebuild her dream of a student coffee house.
We accept payment in USD, Euro, Imperial credits, yen, Ringot
Malaysian and MWR bucks. No Canadian “money” please.
We are willing to barter.
Sorry, no lay aways.
Jane beams at her work. Soon a middle-aged mother walks by; she stops and reads the sign.
MOTHER You poor dear! I’ll take two!
Daria gets her two candy bars; Jane moves the easel around so she can’t read it.
DARIA Thank you ma’am.
The mother leaves and Daria continues to read.
JANE You sell yourself short too often.
DARIA I saw your sign.
JANE If I’m going to be out here for a few hours I want something to show for it. Though the sign isn’t original, my sister Penny did it to me back when we where little. Except she had mom paint a cool fake scar on me.
DARIA You mean you don’t have a real one in the right place?
JANE The real one wasn’t believable enough. (chuckles) Scared the hell out of Wind. (imitates Wind) Sure I’ll take- Oh God! Janie! Janie! Speak to me! Call an ambulance!
DARIA And like all good stories this one ended with ‘Officer, it’s all a big misunderstanding.’
JANE Finally, someone who gets it!
DARIA I find it hard to imagine your parents being in the same place at the same time long enough to produce four children.
JANE My parents paths cross from time to time in their travels.
DARIA How often did they recognize each other?
Madeleine, a female massage therapist walks by, stops and backpedals.
MADELEINE Candy and for a good cause!
Daria shoots Jane a look.
JANE Yeah, it’s for school but my little friend here adds some extra pep to the situation.
MADELEINE Well, I’m out of cash or I’d buy something now, tell you what, I have a customer coming by in 15 minutes, half an hour or so later I’ll be done with him and I’ll buy some off of you then. How does that sound?
JANE Great. What is it that you do now?
MADELEINE I’m a licensed massage therapist.
JANE Then I have a better idea.
Jane grabs a handful of candy bars from the box and hands them to the lady.
JANE Is this about fifteen minutes worth?
MADELEINE Reckon.
JANE I’ll be back in fifteen Daria.
Daria ignores Jane as she leaves with the therapist. Soon Andrea the Goth walks by holding up a sign for the Lawndale Flea Market. She’s wearing a ball cap to hide her face. She and Daria trade glances. She calmly walks up to Daria and hands her a dollar. Daria goes for the candy box.
ANDREA It’s not for that.
DARIA You where never here.
Andrea drops Daria the buck and leaves the area. Daria puts the money in the
change box.
TED (off screen; in Russian)
Daria looks up to see Ted Dewitt-Clinton.
DARIA No hablo.
TED (rapid Spanish)
DARIA Not that either.
TED Oh, you speak our tongue! That’ll make this transaction easier! I haven’t practiced my Russian since last spring and I was a little worried if I was using a dialect you’d understand, you see I don’t know Albanian but I used to known the Ukrainian-
DARIA I don’t mean to be rude but the candy bars are a dollar a piece.
TED Okay, I’ll take five.
He pulls out a ticket to the renaissance faire and hands it to her.
DARIA I’m not wearing bells or tights so why would I take this?
TED The ticket is worth five dollars!
DARIA Yes- but you’re not taking deprecation into account.
TED Oh. True. Well at the current rate-
DARIA New policy- hard currency only.
TED Okay then.
He offers her a Euro.
TED I’ll take one, and I’ll need twenty cents back. Don’t worry, that’s correct, I checked this morning.
SAM (off screen) Sorry turdwad, she’s all sold out to you.
We whip over from Daria and Ted to see a quartet of Oakwood High linebackers clad in red and white varsity jerseys. They are headed by Sam Stack, their quarterback. He speaks with a slight Southern drawl. Behind them, pulled into the fire lane, is their gold 1996 Chevy Caprice.
DARIA In your case maybe.
SAM Some kind of wiseass are ya? Say something funny for the boys, maybe we’ll take some of that crap you’re hocking.
DARIA I would but… I used up my good sarcasm the other day on someone undeserving. I’m fresh out.
SAM Fresh out or out of fresh?
DARIA Do you want to buy something or does this young man need to tell you how trade works?
TED Could I?!
SAM We’ll take your candy but we ain’t buyin’.
JOE (to Ted) Beat it punk before I beat you.
One of the players makes a move for Daria’s candy box and money box. The other two and Sam are hassling Ted.
DARIA What do you think you’re doing?
JOCK What ya think I’m doing? Ignoring your cookies for the good stuff!
He takes the candy bars and money box while holding Daria at bay. Screams are heard in the background, they are very girly. We see Ted twisting Sam’s arm.
TED Away with you rapscallion!
BUNKY We hate rap!
JOE Kick his ass!
The other two football players grab Ted and smack him around.
TED Avenge me!
Local H’s Fritz’s Corner kicks in and plays through, more or less syncing with the scene.
As Jock moves away from Daria he grabs the glasses off her face and flings them at a far off tree near the sidewalk. The footballers laugh and make off with the goods, though they spill most of the chocolate on the ground. They toss Ted in the trunk of their car and lay rubber.
Daria, now virtually blind, stands immobilized for a long moment. Through her eyes we see the world as a blur. She closes her eyes and pinches herself on the hand. She opens her eyes again.
DARIA Kyort. (Russian for ‘damn’.)
She turns, with her arms out in front a bit to go inside Morgendorffer consulting. She bangs into the door and yelps. Her hitting the door makes the little bell mounted above it jingle. Unseen to us Jake bolts from his position in the background and throws open the door to the lobby.
JAKE (off screen) Do you need to be- oh, hey Daria. Sold out already?
SCENE: …AND IT SURE AIN’T FUN (JMC INTERIOR)
Fritz’s Corner dies out when Jane enters.
The front room: very empty, there’s a second hand blue wool couch and chairs spread out around the room. Near the couch sits a coffee table with old copies of American Bride, YM and GQ. Also in the room are a badly maimed plastic tree and a bare coat rack. Along the back wall is a door with a frosted glass window and the words “Jake Morgendorffer, Founder” painted on it.
Daria sits on the couch with her head bowed. The gathered up candy bars are in a plastic Food Lion bag on the table. Jane walks in looking very relaxed.
JAKE (calling from his office) Do you need to be consulted?
JANE (yelling) I’m good. (normal to Daria) Well that was going well until her jackass appointment barged in at a very convenient time. (notices the bag) You’ve got to tell me your sales secret.
DARIA Some football players stole a dozen bars and a geek.
JANE And a geek?
DARIA Between you and them it feels like I’m paying for all of this out of my own pockets.
JANE At least we don’t have to pay Li back for the geek.
Daria gives Jane a glare.
JANE They’ll probably just ride around the old quarry with him in the trunk then dump him at the nearest Maxi-Mart.
DARIA That happens more often than you’d think.
Jane takes a seat beside Daria.
JANE Okay, details.
DARIA A couple of jocks in red and white varsity jackets beat up on this blonde kid who was trying to barter with me and pay in Euros, thank you, and then ran off with a bunch of candy.
JANE Four jocks in red and white jerseys gave you a hard time?
DARIA I didn’t specify numbers but yes.
Jane smiles and gets up.
DARIA Jane…
Jake is behind his desk on the phone as Jane walks in. He motions for her to be quiet before she can speak.
JAKE Yeah, yeah. (laughs) That’s great, Terry! Wonderful and I couldn’t agree more.
As Jake goes for a long moment without speaking Jane comes up to the desk and puts her hands on her hips.
JAKE Yeah, well it was my idea.
Jake prattles on before Jane gets tired of humoring him. It’s obvious no one is on the phone with him.
JANE I need to be consulted.
Jake slams the phone down and gives Jane his full attention.
JAKE On what? I’ll give you the student discount but I don’t necessarily come cheap. Just a heads up, though I am very glad for the business.
Jane over-exaggeratedly leans over the desk.
JANE It’s a little matter.
She picks up the phone and points to it.
JANE Should I ask to borrow this phone or your cell?
We cut to Daria in the front room. She is reading The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever. Jane leaves Jake’s office.
JANE Let’s roll.
DARIA What was that all about?
JANE In due time amiga, but first… let’s take a break.
As she speaks Daria gets up and tucks the book back into her jacket.
DARIA Well we could kill time at the flea market the school Goth paid me not to mention her advertising.
JANE I forgot all about the flea market, we’ll have to thank her for that later.
DARIA I was joking.
JANE (smirks) I’m not.
DARIA Your mood just got more insufferable.
JANE Insufferabler.
You’ll thank me later, I assure you.
Jane opens the front door for Daria.
SCENE: FLEA FOR YOUR LIVES! (FLEA MARKET)
The Goo Goo Doll’s Slave Girl plays us in.
The Flea Market: A makeshift tent city in the parking lot of the city park. It’s completely packed; there are a few vendors in the mix selling food. We do a few establishing shots of various tents hocking every kind of mindless crap imaginable from old record collections to pogs.
As we begin Daria and Jane are standing next to the Filipino-American (Fil-Am) Association booth and are passing between them a chicken shish kabob as the scene unfolds.
DARIA How could I have afforded to miss a minute of this?
JANE How could we? The Chia Pets are blooming and the
dregs of society are congregating and swapping crap!
DARIA You must feel right at home.
JANE I don’t mind being trailer park royalty.
DARIA Keep telling yourself that after kid number six.
JANE I’ll be a senior by time that one hits. Hey, you lived
in
DARIA Contrary to ignorant east coast beliefs not everyone in
JANE It was worth asking. So….
DARIA (sighs) Take a left, past the stop light and turn off
the paved road.
JANE Was that so hard?
Daria doesn’t respond.
JANE Well I had to get even somehow.
DARIA Are we?
JANE Your coarse comments are a dime a dozen, so while
gems they’re pretty worthless. Mine on the other hand are pretty rare therefore
worth more.
DARIA Like when I smile vice you?
JANE Yeah. So we’re pretty even. More or less.
They come to a tent of VHS and Beta tapes and stop. Daria politely motions Jane in first.
DARIA I insist.
They go to work looking through the various cardboard boxes of tapes. Jane is going through one marked “Art” when her eyes light up. We can’t see what she has when she holds up the top of a red video box to her nose and inhales. (think wine connoisseur)
JANE Vintage. Very Soviet. No wait… East German bootleg. Circa nineteen-seventy- no, it lacks the musk.
She whips the tape out of the box and stares at it. Daria is looking elsewhere
until noted.
JANE Daria.
DARIA Jane.
JANE I’m thinking of having a foreign film festival tonight, you game?
DARIA Sure.
JANE I’m bringing a 1981 bootleg of a 1930’s classic.
DARIA Jane, the “Mexican” version of Dracula was made in
JANE Oh yee of little faith. I’m talking about an epic tale of class struggle as symbolized through food. Andrew Sakarinski’s Last Meal. What do you have?
Daria turns to face Jane but we can’t see her selection.
DARIA A Shakespearean tale of vengeance and
retribution that, for better or worse, restarted an entire genre.
Daria holds up a copy of Mad Max.
JANE And people think you’re the classy one.
As this is said Last Meal falls out of its box and hits the ground with a crack. The girls look around; Jane rams the tape in its box and shoves it in the bottom of Art box.
DARIA What people are you referring to?
JANE You know, “those” people.
DARIA Define “those”.
JANE Those, Them, They. The Others.
DARIA The one’s we’re not like.
JANE Yeah.
DARIA That doesn’t really narrow anything down.
JANE True, but still, I hear people talk, sometimes about us and what we do when our audience is gone.
DARIA We set up for a fifth season.
JANE What else is there for the in crowd to talk about?
DARIA Do we really want to go there?
JANE Exactly, we’re interesting. Even they know their lives and interests suck.
As they talk Jane whips out a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses (Blues Brothers, Risky Business) from her shirt pocket and puts them on.
DARIA I’ll give you that and you are the most interesting person in town; besides
the guy with a hook for a hand.
JANE And that’s why I hear ‘em mostly talk about you.
DARIA Where the Hell are you when you hear this stuff?
JANE Around in non-descript places.
DARIA You’ve been hanging around the second floor
girl’s bathroom haven’t you?
JANE How the hell else am I suppose to know when they’re plotting?! Besides, it’s even dumber, therefore funnier sometimes than it is in a place like this.
DARIA That explains your recent drop in IQ.
JANE Like when those boys came to visit-
DARIA We’re even now remember?
JANE Belay my last. Anyway, you get more air time than me. They know what kind of freak I am.
Daria looks at Jane inquisitively.
JANE Super. You’re quiet and boring.
DARIA So they brighten up their ho-hum lives with a
little illusion about what I’m really like.
JANE That cousin of yours wasn’t very helpful in that department. Speaking of which, can I see the hickeys Butt-Head left?
DARIA Of course you can Jane. They’re on the toe of my right boot. Want to get in for a close inspection?
SCENE: SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVILS (FLEA MARKET)
We fade into a later time. The Rolling Stone’s Gimme Shelter plays on a radio.
The girls are at a
record tent. Daria is holding up a copy of
RANDY So you wanna buy this?
DARIA Actually I wanted to ask a few questions first.
RANDY Shoot. I was never huge into ‘em
but
DARIA I bet they did but what I want to know is about this record’s potential
shrapnel hazard.
RANDY What?
Jane steps into the scene with a stack of records in her hands.
JANE We’re going skeet shooting later and these are
much cheaper than clay pigeons.
Gimme Shelter changes to the Rolling Stones’ Sympathy for the Devil.
We watch the girls get chased from the tent by Randy with a Yamaha knock-off Strat. They quickly revert to a fast walk from a sprint.
JANE And he calls himself a rocker! (yells at Randy) Yamaha sucks!
DARIA I’m never letting you talk me into that again.
JANE That was your idea.
DARIA I only suggested that to get away from those stoners you started talking to.
JANE Its crap like that that fuel the rumors.
DARIA To Hell with rumors and other
people. I just got chased out of a tent by a fat man with a guitar.
JANE It was an imitation guitar.
DARIA And to think he could have done it with body odor alone.
JANE You got to admit though, those stoners knew their ‘Weird Al’. I was impressed.
Daria takes a coin from her pocket and flips it to Jane.
DARIA Jane, shiny object.
JANE You know, I’ve been trying to get you to relax all morning and I’m sensing kind of an undercurrent of tension here.
DARIA Look Jane, I apologize if I’ve been terse with you. More terse than usual but it’s this damn candy drive. If I don’t meet the quota my parents are going to… do it.
JANE That’s twisted.
DARIA They’re going to make me join the Young Optimists and attend their summer camp.
Jane puts a hand on Daria’s shoulder but quickly pulls it off.
JANE I’m really sorry Daria. I am.
DARIA You say that but you don’t think it.
JANE You don’t want to know what I think.
DARIA Janie says… relax.
Jane flips the coin back to Daria, who is unable to catch it and won’t bend down to pick it up. Jane then leads Daria into another tent that is full of 70’s nostalgia.
JANE Know what I’m thinking now?
DARIA I have a bad feeling about this.
Jane rummages through a knick knack box. She finds a button and puts it on Daria who struggles.
DARIA Hey, what do you think you’re doing?!
JANE Don’t struggle, I might-
DARIA Ow!
JANE There!
We see Jane has affixed a yellow smiley face button to Daria’s lapel.
JANE Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
DARIA Now it’s your turn to read my mind.
Jane takes the button off and sticks it back in the bin. The owner (CAMEO: ALVARO GONALEZ) comes into view a few tables back from the girls.
GROOVY MAN Hey, you can’t put that back! It has blood on it!
JANE (to Daria) Sorry, I’ll get you back later.
DARIA No, next it’s my turn.
Daria leaves the foreground to deal with the owner then she looks at stuff near
him until further notice. Marcy Playground’s The Devil Song plays up as
Jane looks at a John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever painted on black
velvet. She takes off the sunglasses at this point.
JANE Disco fever.
TOM (off screen) It was an epidemic, wasn’t it?
Jane turns to see a young man with his hands jammed in the pockets of his cargo pants beside her. She turns her attention back to the picture as she talks.
JANE I was just thinking this was a waste of black velvet.
TOM I wasn’t aware there was a good use for black velvet.
JANE Oh yeah, I mean this- you could fit a quadruple helping of young Elvis or a single old on it.
TOM (sings) Since my baby left me.
He shakes to it.
JANE I wonder why.
TOM What would you prefer?
JANE Something a little more last decade. Or this one. Whatever.
TOM (clears his throat) Take my love and take my land, take me where I cannot
stand.
JANE (laughing) Yadda, yadda, yadda. Can’t take the sky from me. You can stop now.
TOM For a quarter I can hum Nirvana.
JANE For two you can stop all together.
TOM I’ll give.
Jane goes back to staring at stuff on the wall; she sidesteps while staring at the painting.
JANE The eyes always seem to be just to the left of me.
TOM Wonder where it would stare if you held up a hair
product.
JANE It’d probably reach out and fight me for it. Optically speaking.
Tom waits for to speak again but when she doesn’t he makes his move.
TOM Can we trade names now?
JANE Eh. Jane de la Lane. You?
TOM No. I’m Thomas Sloane, esquire.
JANE Knight in training?
TOM That’s a squire.
JANE Oh, the cheap Fenders.
TOM I was going to say like the magazine but I’ll buy that. Judging from our little exchange I’m guessing you’re not here for any serious purchases.
JANE Guilty, you?
TOM As much as I love Travolta on black velvet not really. Wanted to see what kind of freaks where here.
JANE What am I?
TOM You’re their queen.
JANE Guilty again.
Daria comes back into the scene with a pair of web belts in her hands.
DARIA I just got us a good discount on some used ammo belts. My parents-
TOM Hello.
DARIA Do you mind, this is a private conversation.
TOM I was about to say the same thing.
JANE Daria, this Tom. He’s here for the same reasons we are.
DARIA The cheese fries? (to Tom) They’re three tents the other way. (to Jane) Mom will give me $25 not to wear-
TOM You’re some kind of crass.
DARIA Nothing personal Tom, but I make it a point not to
interact with the kind of people you meet in a flea market.
TOM I was just saying the same thing to Jane. (to Jane) A pleasure meeting you.
He pulls a business card from his pocket and hands it to Jane then exits. Daria plays innocent.
JANE Anyone ever told you that you have a certain way with people?
SCENE: LHS VS. OHS BS (LHS FOOTBALL FIELD)
Kula Shaker’s Hush plays us in.
LHS’s football field has high concrete
bleachers to one side with an announcer’s booth dead center atop it. The other
side is open to the parking lot and highway. At present
We start with the OHS quarterback, Sam Stack, getting slammed into by Kevin
Thompson and Mack McKenzie. We cut to Kevin doing a victory dance, Mack looks
pleased as he and Kevin high five.
KEVIN Yo Mack Daddy!
Mack’s countenance turns sour. We see the cheerleaders doing their thing. We cut to Daria and Jane sitting calmly in the bleachers as everyone around them goes wild. Jane is eating a candy bar. The song fades out here.
JANE You know this would be a lot more interesting if their pads where filled with fake blood packets.
DARIA What wouldn’t be?
JANE Wacky morning DJ’s.
DARIA What if the blood wasn’t squibs?
JANE I take it back then. Upchuck.
DARIA How wouldn’t he be more interesting?
JANE I wouldn’t find him any more interesting but I’ll be damned if the sight of him erupting with squibs wouldn’t be amusing as all hell. Of course if it wasn’t squibs…
DARIA I believe that’s why God invented the flight of stairs.
JANE I was talking CGI effects Ms. Psycho, but I like the way you think. Of course there are a few more quick, though not as amusing means to that end.
DARIA We don’t want him dead, just bleeding a lot.
JANE Hey, he screwed with my house money, the stuff that keeps Trent and I off the streets.
DARIA Except when you can’t find your keys.
JANE That’s why I gave you a set… and there’s a
crowbar behind the trash can. The neighbor understands.
DARIA Your neighbor is stoned.
JANE Same difference.
We cut to Sam Stack getting plowed again and taken off the field on a stretcher.
UPCHUCK (on the PA) Oakwood’s Sam Stack felt the Lion’s
claws that time.
The ref blows his whistle.
UPCHUCK (on the PA) That’s the end of the first half! In a few minutes I personally will be bringing you the half time show.
In the meantime we see the cheerleaders take to the field and the marching band starts up with Booker T. & The MG’s Philly Dog.
JANE Adios Senior Stack.
DARIA For an unpopular person you make friends easy.
JANE Cult of personality baby. Besides, helping us out was the least the therapist could do after Sam barged in on my session.
DARIA The way he’s moving now I doubt he’ll be able to barge in on anyone for a week.
JANE To ten days, unless he comes back to her sooner. Then we can count on two weeks. I think there’s a lesson to be learned from all this.
DARIA Screw with us and we’ll sic a massage therapist who dabbles in reflexology on you?
JANE I think that’s the one. Big win all around I’d say.
DARIA On the one hand we just helped our home team win but on the other we managed to indirectly hurt somebody who deserved it.
JANE Yeah. (pause) Which one was the positive again?
DARIA The second one.
JANE Just making sure.
DARIA Then again, it’s a Saturday afternoon and we’re at a football game.
JANE We’ve seen enough of our handiwork in action. Let’s hit the arcade.
DARIA What about the candy bars?
JANE Don’t worry, they’ll still be unsold when we’re done.
She takes a bite from her bar. Daria looks at it, then Jane. Jane plays innocent and casually tosses the candy bar over a shoulder. Upchuck dressed as a magician, is leaving the announcer’s booth and as he walks out he sees what Jane did. He picks up the bar and runs it under his nose.
UPCHUCK Ahhh…
He tosses it over his shoulder; it bounces off the booth and lands where he is about to step. Insert painful noises and screams halfway down the hard concrete bleachers here. Daria and Jane watch in horror.
We hear a jumble of voices all over lapping saying:
Call an ambulance!
Get help!
It’s just Upchuck!
Finally, some pig’s blood!
He’s dead!
Jane mouths the word ‘squib’.
SCENE: IN MEMORANDUM (LHS HALLS)
The Foo Fighter’s Generator plays us in.
We open on a wreathed portrait of Charles Ruttheimer III, which is itself surrounded by flowers and
discarded red flyers. The memorial is posted outside of the auditorium whose
open doors are hemorrhaging students that are either bereaved or, if they knew
Chuck, completely apathetic. We watch
BRITTANY Why couldn’t I like him more?!
KEVIN Oh man, I kicked his ass for spying on you! I mean if he’d just shared the pictures it would have been cool but-
KEVIN Oh man!
MACK Kevin, calm down. It’s okay.
KEVIN No it’s not okay! Like maybe I didn’t… something… so he couldn’t get up there…
MACK Please don’t say you didn’t kick his ass hard enough.
KEVIN Oh man! Now I’m a wussy weakling too!
Kevin cries harder and louder. Mack becomes uncomfortable.
MACK Hey Kevin,
JODIE Apologize for being you.
KEVIN But I’m no good at that…that…emotional chick stuff. Could you talk to her Jodie?
Jodie looks at Mack with a ‘yeah right’ gaze. Mack makes a few hand gestures, like as in a football play. Jodie grins and quickly moves off.
KEVIN Man, now your chick left too! (puts his hand on Mack’s shoulder) We’re like a bunch of losers now!
MACK (to himself) Well that back fired. (removes Kevin’s arm) You- We are not losers; we won the game didn’t we?
KEVIN But we lost the war!
MACK Okay, we’re done now.
Mack leaves the scene.
KEVIN Et tu Mack Daddy?
MACK (off screen) Stop calling me that!!!
We move from Kevin to further down the stream of students to Daria and Jane. Daria looks no different but Jane has a markedly more sullen appearance.
DARIA It’s too bad we never got to meet the Charles Ruttheimer Ms. Li was talking about. It would have been an improvement over the one we knew.
JANE (quiet) Yeah.
Daria’s next comment has a slight reaction to Jane’s demeanor.
DARIA …but then again he really didn’t have a bar set.
JANE Yeah.
DARIA Are you okay?
JANE I hold the power supreme, how could I not be?
DARIA Jane we had nothing to do with what happened. We saw him toss the bar down-
JANE It was my bar.
DARIA From my bag, so now we’re evenly to blame. Jane-
Jane walks away from Daria with a quickened step. Daria starts after her and struggles to keep up.
DARIA Jane!
JANE I’m going running.
Daria stays silent.
JANE What, you don’t wanna tag along?
DARIA I couldn’t keep up with you if I was driving.
JANE Something else I’ll have to teach you someday. Later.
Daria watches Jane take off. Andrea comes up to Daria and taps her on the shoulder.
ANDREA Hey, you’re Daria, right?
DARIA Who wants to know?
Andrea hands Daria a five and a piece of notebook paper.
DARIA You don’t have to keep paying me.
ANDREA I figured I owe you some of this for Upchuck. Teabag’s little sister said you and your friend did him in so I owe you this much.
DARIA (indignant) I didn’t do him in! That moron slipped on a piece of chocolate he tossed to the ground.
ANDREA You and your friend tossed it first.
DARIA And Ms. Li gave it to me.
ANDREA But Li didn’t wish him dead before he died.
Daria shoves Andrea’s money and paper back in her hands.
DARIA I don’t want your money or-
ANDREA It’s the rest of my dead pool list.
DARIA Argh!
Daria leaves the scene now.
ANDREA (calls after Daria) Think about it Voodoo!
We pan over a bit back into the stream of students and briefly pause on the 3 J’s.
JEFFY Bummer!
JOEY Like big time!
JAMIE Yeah!
JOEY I’m gonna go get tanked.
JAMIE Me too!
JEFFY I’ll bring Madden!
JOEY Um, in like the dead guys honor.
JAMIE & JEFFY Yeah!
We pan further over to see the Fashion Club moving in their usual formation. Stacy is bawling uncontrollably but the others look to be in control of themselves.
QUINN That was so sad!
SANDI No one should die like that.
QUINN No one should die looking like that!
SANDI That’s what I meant.
SANDI At least it was red.
QUINN And the top hat kept his brain in, or so I heard from Brian who over heard Teabag telling Angie about it cuz’ his cousin works at Marcil & Johnson Memorial.
SANDI We should do something. I know it.
QUINN Well we could try get something named after him, like the announcer’s booth.
STACY (sniffling) But Upchuck would be an icky name for anything!
TIFFANY Oh yeah.
QUINN That wasn’t really his name… I think.
SANDY Ohmigod I so didn’t mean that!
Quinn pats Sandi on the shoulder.
QUINN Maybe we could take up a collection and get something built in his honor.
TIFFANY Padded stairs.
SANDI Tiffany dear, that’s not feasible since the padding would get stuck in my heels.
TIFFANY Sorry.
QUINN We could do something in the spirit of Up- him. Like…um…
SANDI We could give makeovers and fashion advice to the people like him.
QUINN Oh that is so smart Sandi!
SANDI I mean, his outfit was so hideous they had to close the casket!
We zoom back over to Daria who is approaching the science lab. Mr. O’Neill is quickly running towards her as best he can through the mass of students clogging the hall.
ONEILL Dorian! Dorian!
Daria keeps walking.
ONEILL I mean Dora!
DARIA (sighs) Close enough.
She stops and turns on her heel to face him.
DARIA Its Daria, Mr. O’Neill.
ONEILL Right, I’m sorry. I’ve been doing a little memory booster to help me remember student’s names. First I tried “Dorian Gray” for you but you wear black, similar but too complicated so I though “Dora the Explorer” since you’re so inquisitive at least that’s how I assume you got so-
DARIA I’m sorry sir but I’m pressed for time. I have a club meeting to attend
to.
ONEILL Right, anyway I know you’re already doing candy sales for the student coffee house but I was wondering if you’d be willing to do something else for us as well, a bit more in your milieu.
DARIA Not giving a damn?
ONEILL I was thinking maybe you could read one of your essays at the reopening!
DARIA Yeah well I’d like to but my whirlwind social schedule is all full up. I don’t know how I’d fit it in after all the clubs, associations, charities, walk-a-thons, science projects, swimming lessons, photography and candy sales.
ONEILL Oh I am so sorry Daria! I won’t bother you again!
O’Neill leaves the scene.
DARIA I’ll take the Vegas odds on that.
Southern Culture on the Skid’s Skullbucket plays us into the next scene.
SCENE: SCIENTIFIC STUFF (MS. BARCH’S CLASSROOM)
The students are all at their science centers, some still
showing a few signs of bereavement. Daria glances at the empty seat beside her.
Other notables in this class are
BARCH All right quit your whining; so another man is dead big deal. Even if your whining could bring him back he’d just die again, it’s what his violent, depraved, war mongering sex is good for. Now let’s start class.
*Barch’s class is based on The Lab Brat so her lecture will be omitted; with no student interaction it’s drier than Ben Stein on Clear Eyes. Even Daria isn’t paying attention.
Passage of time: From Daria’s POV- a few drowsy blinks as Barch talks. Soon she can’t stay awake and Barch becomes indistinguishable sound. Go to black. Daria nods off holding her head up with a hand. Kevin, at the next set of desks over is sleeping as well. Ms. Barch walks past Daria and slams a ruler down in front of Kevin’s face. He jumps awake.
KEVIN Hike!
As she talks Barch continues to walk through the class. Daria is still half asleep, rubbing it out of her eyes. After that she begins to clean her glasses off with a piece of cheese cloth, periodically stopping to look through them.
BARCH So this brings us to our next class project. You students will pair up and be issued a mouse. You will build mazes and condition a mouse to complete it based on positive or negative reinforcement. For those of you who slept through today’s class I understand.
(bitter tone)
Men have short attention spans unless the Broncos are playing, in which case they can pay attention to every punt and touchdown for 22 years straight, ignoring all other stimuli such as his undeserved wife’s affection and attention. Her working to keep his fat ass firmly planted on that couch until the day he decides why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? For all of you miserable, lying, cheating, testosterone pumped chimps I have no remorse. This class will put you in your place even if society doesn’t!
(kinder tone, gets harder)
But I will reiterate since having an uneven mix of people randomly thrown into a room means I have to pander to the knuckle draggers otherwise the school board jumps on my ass failing too many students. It’s not my fault they’re all men. I call it natural selection at work! Not that…
Daria begins to fade out again before blinking back awake. From the edge of her vision we see Kevin jump up with his hand in the air. Daria comes to quickly after he talks.
KEVIN I want Daria!
Student snickering. Kevin sits down.
KEVIN Not like that. For science.
More laughing. Some of it is directed at Daria.
SCENE: LAB BRAT (MORGENDORFFER GARAGE)
Southern Culture on the Skid’s House of Bamboo plays
us into this scene. We begin with an exterior, daylight, shot
of
House of Bamboo dies out. The garage is a two car garage. Boxes and clutter ring the edges and in the middle of the room is a fold out table with wood and supplies for building a maze. The mouse is in a small cage on the table. On the floor beside the table is her book bag and bag of candy bars.
Daria is standing by the table double checking her hand drawn plan. She glances at the clock on the wall.
*In her next blurb Daria talks to herself and responds, the voice doesn’t change. She also paces around the table and makes very minor hand gestures to go along with her speaking when her hands aren’t behind her back or in her pockets.
DARIA At least Kevin is late. Of course giving him the wrong address probably
didn’t help much either. Kevin being Kevin he probably has no idea he’s late
for something. The big question is why did he want me to be his lab partner?
It could be that I’m being accepted by my peer group- Oh God, something must be wrong with me. I’m losing my edge.
No wait, settle down Daria. Maybe he lost some kind of bet, like something out of a bad movie.
That’s likely, but what’s more likely is that he needs a passing grade to stay on the team so he elected to work with me before I fully regained consciousness so I couldn’t oppose him.
But Kevin’s not devious; he lacks the capacity for it.
Good point.
I know that’s why I made it. But still, what if the first one is true?
Then I have a problem.
Besides talking to yourself?
You just have to state the obvious don’t you?
If I didn’t this wouldn’t be a very good self evaluation then would it?
Okay, you win. (end monologue)
QUINN (perky) Hi Daria!
Surprised Daria turns around to see Quinn and the whole Fashion Club in the door way leading to the house. They all have big smiles on.
SANDI We understand you have a problem.
DARIA Yes. Yes I do. I’m looking at them now.
QUINN We’re going to give you a make over!
STACY Fresh new attitude! Fresh new life!
TIFFANY In the spirit of the dead guy.
They cheerfully take a few steps toward her. Daria whips the glue gun off the table and points it at the Fashion Club. For a moment it’s a very western scene.
DARIA I swear I’ll use it.
QUINN Um, cousin Daria, that’s a hot glue gun.
DARIA Ever see what it can do to hair?
The FC cringes in fear and backs off then leaves and shuts the door behind them. Daria lets out a sigh and droops.
DARIA Okay, number one has been confirmed. I’m a ditz.
I guess it’s time to hang up my boots and buy a… skart, skurt, skort, whatever.
Don’t ever let me hear you say that again. (end monologue)
Daria puts the glue gun down and exits the garage into the house.
DARIA Maybe Jane will answer this time.
SCENE: TORA! TORA! TORA! (MORGENDORFFER INTERIOR)
Powerman 5000’s
Daria walks through the kitchen and gets the phone from the counter. She starts to dial. The music intensifies as she is suddenly grabbed by the Fashion Club. As they struggle there is a fair bit of yelling, among the words exchanged are:
Get her boots!
Get her hands!
Get her glasses!
Hand me the volumizer!
DARIA Hand me the hair spray!
Tiffany obliviously does. Daria points it in Sandi’s face, finger over the button when the doorbell rings and all the fighting stops. Everyone slowly gets up, backs off from one another and Quinn goes for the door. Daria underhand tosses Sandi the hairspray.
DARIA Touch me again and I will de-accessorize all of you with my bare hands.
Kevin and the 3 J’s enter the scene from the front door. As Daria and Kevin talk we hear the J’s sucking up to Quinn in the background.
KEVIN Yo Daria! I think you gave me the wrong address.
DARIA My mistake Kevin.
KEVIN I looked all over but I couldn’t find 1060
DARIA …Kevin, I didn’t tell you I lived at 1060
KEVIN Oh. Wonder where that came from?
SCENE: LAB BRATS (MORGENDORFFER GARAGE)
Splendora’s Reanimator plays us in.
We start in on a close up of Kevin’s head as he has his face right up the mouse cage. He’s trying to wiggle his finger into the cage to touch it.
KEVIN Here little guy. Come on. Come on.
Daria is trying to put together her maze as planned while Kevin dicks around. He accidentally knocks over the mouse cage; Daria turns toward him to catch it. He smiles foolishly and we see that he has the cage stuck on his index finger.
DARIA Kevin.
KEVIN Sorry, but its okay, see?
The mouse claws its way to the top of the cage and snaps Kevin’s finger. He yelps and shakes the cage; she stops him from flailing and yanks the cage off.
DARIA All right, there’s been enough physical comedy tonight for one life time.
KEVIN I said I was sorry, but the little guy bit me!
DARIA I have to ask, why did you want to partner with me for this?
KEVIN It was kind of a favor.
DARIA Is it the kind of favor that’s done when someone loses a bet?
KEVIN Nothing like that, but me and the guys heard about what you and that chick did to Sam Stack from Teabag’s little sister-
DARIA Who the hell is Teabag’s little sister?
KEVIN She was sitting next to you in the bleachers.
DARIA That’s it, I’m taking up sign language.
KEVIN So I decided I’d do you a favor and be your science partner to pay you back for helping the team. I mean, who doesn’t want to be seen with the QB? And since it’s a science project you can be seen with me but we’re not going anywhere so no one will see us and it’s cool.
DARIA If you heard that part from Teabag’s little sister then what about the part where Jane and I do in Upchuck?
KEVIN (shrugs) It was just Upchuck. I mean, Charles Ruttheimer the um…IV. Bummer but not, you know?
DARIA I know. Thanks Kevin for putting this situation back into perspective for me. For a moment I was afraid people were beginning to tolerate me.
KEVIN Why would we do that? Besides, I need a passing grade on this test or the coach will have to bench me!
DARIA Double thanks Kevin.
KEVIN You’re welcome!
2Gether’s The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff) plays us into the next scene and keeps on playing since it’s on the radio.
SCENE: MORGENDORFFER TEMPTRESS (QUINN’S INTERIOR)
Quinn’s pink room. Ungodly amounts of pink. Everywhere. Beefcake posters on the wall. Cutesy nick-knacks and four girls adorn the room. The girls are sitting on the floor (Quinn, Stacy and Sandi) and bed (Tiffany) hovering over copies of Waif.
STACY Ohmigod- I want that nose!
TIFFANY It’s sooo tiny.
STACY Like a button! What do you think Quinn?
QUINN It’s cute.
SANDI Just cute? Are you saying that Tiffany and Stacy are getting excited over just cute?
As Stacy talks she gets flustered, red and starts to hyper-ventilate.
STACY But…we’re already cute? Right Quinn? I’m cute right? I mean at least cute enough?!
QUINN Please Sandi, we’ve already been through this- cute is cute. Otherwise I wouldn’t call it cute. Stacy’s cute.
STACY (calming down) Thanks.
TIFFANY But your runny mascara is so eewww….
Stacy squeals and runs out of the room. A moment later we hear her cry and shriek.
QUINN (yelling out to Stacy) Bathroom’s the first door; cousin’s room is the second.
STACY (off screen) Thanks!
TIFFANY Was it something I said?
SANDI Before scaring her off Quinn, I think Stacy may have been on to something. Remember Brooke?
QUINN Yeah, she was at that party a few weeks ago.
SANDI Well she says if she refers us to Dr. Shar we’ll get a discount.
TIFFANY (looking at the magazine) If only noses where interchangeable…
QUINN That would be so cool, I’d have a cute one, a super cute one and a really cute one for dates that are worth it!
SANDI You mean you have dates that aren’t worth it? That’s interesting.
QUINN Speaking of which, I have a couple of referrals for you.
SANDI That’s so interesting, I had
some for you too!
QUINN Robert.
SANDI Armando.
QUINN Armando made your rej- I mean referral list?
SANDI What’s that suppose to mean?
QUINN I didn’t know Armando ranked high enough for consideration.
Stacy comes back in, reasonable cleaned up around the eyes and sits back down where she was, this breaks the tension of the moment.
STACY Did I miss anything?
SANDI We where just talking. When is Jamie going to be up here with the chips?
QUINN I don’t know, I told him square crackers and Jamie said he’d go square some.
SANDI I don’t think he’s the brightest of the bunch.
QUINN Yeah but he brings me stuff which is better than being a brain or something.
SANDI Like that stuck up sister of yours?
QUINN My- my cousin you mean?
SANDI Yeah, that’s her. I still don’t see what Kevin sees in her.
STACY Maybe she has a good heart.
SANDI What?
STACY I saw it in Waif!
QUINN If you’re going to quote Waif Stacy then read the full article first.
STACY But it was a two parter! I only had time for one!
SANDI Whatever. The point is Kevin is down stairs with that freak of nature. If he wasn’t QB we’d have to call hi