Meanwhile, Back in Lawndale...
A Daria Fan Fiction set during The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series
By
Crazy Nutso
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction (or a desperate plea for help....you be the judge) Daria & her amazing friends are ™ and © MTV. Daria and all other characters belong to MTV, but were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. Doesn't that just suck? All music, pop culture references, and the like are probably ® ™ and © also but I'm to damn lazy to look it up. Used without permission...Please don't sue me :>]
(Instead of the traditional Daria intro, you get the The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series intro instead. The Music is Get Your Kicks On Route 66 as performed by The Cramps (`cause I love that song!!) and the intro is Red Dwarf style, ie. it features scenes from the upcoming season (called teasers))
- Jane carrying an unconscious Jodie over her shoulder.
- The fashion club is in the bus bathroom, doing their grooming rituals, outside the door, a line is beginning to form.
- Jane, Daria, and Jodie standing back-to-back-to-back in fighter's stance, they appear to be in a bar, and judging by all the broken furniture/people laying on the floor, you might assume they're in a bar fight.
- The fashion club is STILL at it, and outside we see the line has grown longer, and the people in it look more impatient.
- A shot of a cemetary, the camera moves in on 1 particular tombstone. The ground is still heaped out, so we know this is a fresh grave. The inscription on the tombstone reads "Here Lies Thomas Barch". Their is a single red rose laying on top of the grave.
- The line outside the bathroom is now HUGE. Ms. Li pushes to the front, opens the door with a key, and pulls the fashion club out. Pan to the front of the bus, where Daria has just come down the steps. She gets her "Mona Lisa" smile, then the logo surrounds her and the screen goes blue.
The Logo screen reads: Daria in: "Meanwhile, Back in Lawndale..."
ACT I. Home Alone with each other.
Scene 1. Remodel.
(Historical Note: This story begins the day after the Magical Mystik Spiral Tour left Lawndale.) We see Helen heading upstairs. She is carrying wallpaper samples and is obviously planning to remodel everyone's favorite rubber room. She gets to Daria's door. A sign on the door shows an image that looks suspiciously like Quinn, but darkened out, with a slash through it (Like a 'no smoking' sign). Helen sets everything down and tries to open the door. It's locked. She whips out the key. Now the doorknob will turn, but the door STILL won't open. She looks intensely at the crack of the door, and a camera zoom-in shows what appears to be a deadbolt lock. Helen removes the sign, underneath is a note, and the deadbolt. We hear the note being read (In Daria's Voice):
Mom,
I had a feeling you might attempt to remodel my room while I'm not there to defend it. So I've taken steps to ensure that you don't. This is one of the finest deadbolts that money can buy. The locksmith who installed it says that only another locksmith could remove it. So I made him sign legal documents promising he won't remove it. So you're not getting in.
Helen: Well, I'll just remove the hinges.
(Daria's Voice)
PS. If you're thinking of removing the hinges, forget it. I already moved them to the inside.
Love
Daria
Helen: OH, Honestly! That girl is impossible!
Helen goes back downstairs.
Scene 2. Whole lot of lovin' going on..
What follows is a romantic montage of Helen and Jake enjoying the freedom of 'no kids around' like they did in Road Worrier and also in Depth Takes a Holiday. Love Shack by the B-52s plays in the background. Then the montage ends and we wind up with...
Scene 3. Trouble in Paradise.
Helen is seated on the couch. She is not wearing her traditional business outfit, but is wearing casual clothes. She is looking through the mail. There is a frown on her face as she reads a letter. Jake comes up. He is wearing only a robe, and fuzzy bunny slippers. He brings two steaming cups of coffee out and sits next to Helen.Helen: Jake, this is a THIRD warning
that you should pay your overdue tickets.
WHY haven't you paid them?
Jake: Well you see, honey every so often the
city has a day of amnesty, when you can
take in the overdue tickets and either get
them taken off for free or at a greatly
reduced rate. So all I have do is wait.
Helen: (frustrated tone) Jake, why don't you just
PAY them. How do you get so many in
the first place?
Jake: (defensive tone) I'm a consultant! I have
to be constantly out on the go. And that
means that sometimes I have to park in
the city. And sometimes you just get
ticketed. there's no avoiding it.
Helen: Well, the next time they're not going to
ticket you, they'll boot you!1
(angrily) Don't you have any idea how this
makes me look? I'm in court trying to defend
someone, and some other attorney points out
that my husband doesn't even pay his
tickets! Never mind Jake, as usual I'll handle
it. (she grabs the letter and angrily heads toward
the door) I'll just go down to the courthouse
during my vacation so I can pay off your
tickets. (Helen slams the door behind her).
Jake: Aw hell! (He goes to the kitchen and gets out a
bottle of booze. He pours it into a glass, then heads
back out to the couch, taking the bottle with him. The
camera zooms in on the bottle, which is half full (or half
empty, whatever) then we see the bottle is now nearly
empty, to illustrate the passage of time.2)
(sloshed voice) Yeah little Jakey ain't NOTHIN' but a
screw up. Can't do NOTHIN' right. If it weren't for ol'
MAD DOG, little Jakey would be lyin' in a ditch some-
where. (He takes a swig of the booze, straight from
the bottle.)
At this point, we see Helen come back. She is in a bad mood and when
she sees Jake, she looks positively livid.
Helen: JAKE! I can't believe you! It's bad enough that
you can't take care of the most simple things, but
you've got to get stinking drunk to? I ran into Eric at
the courthouse, and imagine my embarrassment when
I have to explain why I'm there. And all the while here you are
getting sloshed! WELL! What do you have to say for yourself?
Jake: (sloshed, angry) O-oh-HO! So you don't want your precious
Eric to know that your husband's a pathetic wretch, is that
it? Is that why you're screwing him behind my back?3
Helen: (shocked beyond belief look on her face) (real pissed voice) GET OUT!
Jake: (his drunk, ranting voice) WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Helen: I said 'GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE'! RIGHT NOW!!
Jake: FINE! (Heads for the door) I'LL BE BACK LATER
FOR MY STUFF! (opens door) AND YOU'LL
BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!!! (he leaves
slamming the door behind him.)
Helen: (she collapses on the couch, looking completely drained. We
hear Jake's Lexus squealing out of the driveway, and accelerating
away) Good one, Helen. Send a drunk, reckless driver out on
the road. (Spotting the empty bottle of booze, she grabs it
and hurls it into the far wall, where it burst into a million pieces,
She bursts into tears, and the scene fades out)
Scene 4. Moe's Tavern.
We see Jake's Lexus parked outside a seedy looking bar. Inside we see Jake at the bar. (Yes it's THAT Moe's Tavern, from the Simpsons, except it's drawn 'Daria' style instead of 'Simpson' Style.)Jake: Give me another, barkeep!
Moe: Let's see some money first, pal.
Jake: Fine (Pulls out his wallet, as he's pulling out a
bill, he passes out on the bar)
Moe quickly grabs the wallet, and after removing several bills,
he looks at Jake's Drivers Licence.
Moe: OK, who knows 'Jake Morgendorffer'? Anybody?
Come on, you guys, somebody must know this
guy...
Voice: Did you say Morgendorffer? (Camera pans to show
that the voice belongs to Wind Lane) I think he's my
sister's friend's father.
Moe: Whatever. Get him outa my bar.
Wind puts his arm around Jake, and proceeds to carry him
out of the bar.
Wind: Um... Do you have a car Mr. Morgendorffer? Because
my ex-wife has mine.
Jake: (gestures forward) Lexus.
As Wind reaches the Lexus, A red haired chick walks up to them.Girl: Hi there, my name's Rachel.4 Would
you guys like to give me a lift?
Wind struggles to get Jake into the passenger seat. He seatbelts him then shuts the door.Wind: I don't think Mr. Morgendorffer would
want me driving strange women around in his car.
Rachel: Morgendorffer? (to herself) Dammit! (to Wind)
but what about you? You seem (smiles seductively)
lonely...
Wind: Um...Well...Heh... I'm Wind Lane and...
Rachel: Lane?! DAMMIT. (She stalks off muttering
to herself) What was I thinking coming back
her? It's like the whole town revolves around
Daria!
Wind: Huhm. Oh well. I'm probably not legaly divorced yet
anyway. (He gets into the Lexus) So you want me
to take you home Mr Morgendorffer?
Jake: (garbled, drunk voice) No! Wife threw me out!
Wind: Oh. Well, I've been there, man. I'm sure mom won't mind
putting you up for a while, especially with Trent and Jane being
gone and all. Maybe she can help you! I know that I'm a lot
more together since I've been home...(realizes Jake has passed
out again) Well, here we go. (He drives off)
We see Rachel walking up to a nearby gas station. There is a semi-trailer in the lot. She walks up to the familiar looking driver.Rachel: Hi there. You're not from
around here are you?
Truck Driver: No ma'am, I am from Fremont. (It's Stan
from Speedtrapped).
Rachel: Well, great! Could you give me a ride?
Stan: Surely, Ma'am. And I can tell you about the time
I taught Martha Steward how to cook.
Rachel: (rolls her eyes) Great. (they get into the 18 wheeler
and drive away).
The bumper comes up, and we see Jake and Helen shouting at each other.
Commercial Break
Let's see. I could plug Napster Music Community, and mention it's where I get all my MP3 type files, but that would be wrong. So screw it! No commercials for you!!
End of Commercial break
ACT II. Breaking up is easy, getting back together is hard to do.
Scene 1. Jake.
We see a "point of view" shot. We see eyes opening. Everything is blurry. Their is a blinking effect. Now we see the Lane basement, and 3 Amanda Lanes. Another blink and now there's just 2. A 'shakeing the head' effect, and now we can clearly see Amanda Lane.Amanda: How are you feeling, Jake?
Jake: (fuzzy camera now pans out to show Jake and Amanda
in the basement) Oh, ah. Where am I?
Amanda: You're in my basement, Jake. You passed out in a bar
and my son Wind brought you home. How do you feel?
Jake: UGH. Awful. (He's remembering stuff) OH MY GOD!
I accused Helen of...Why would I say that?! Dear Lord
I've destroyed my marriage!!
Amanda: Now Jake, I'm sure that Helen will forgive you. Given
Time. But I think your first step to healing your marriage
is healing your soul.
Jake: What do you mean?
Amanda: You're an alcoholic, Jake. The first thing to do is dry you
out. You can stay in the basement. I'll be sure you have
good food. And don't feel bad. Alcoholism is hereditary.
Your father was probably an alcoholic. (she leaves, and we
hear the door at the top of the steps lock)
Jake: alcoholic! BAH! I'm no alcoholic! (As if to prove Amanda's
point, He goes into his jacket, and comes out with a glass
flask of booze. We see the booze from his point of view)
Flask of booze: (in 'Mad Dog' Morgendorffer's voice) That's right, Jakey. Take
another drink. It'll make a man out of you. Just like your
old man! (Jake takes the flask and hurls it into the far
wall, where it busts into a million pieces. Jake rolls up into
a ball on the floor and cries.)
The screen goes dark, then the words 2 DAYS LATER appear. Then a fade in shows Jake, still rolled up in a ball. We are suddenly shown his point of view. Pink Elephants on Parade plays as we see Jake hallucinating all kinds of horrible stuff. He is shaking violently and mumbling incoherently. The screen fades out again, and the words 1 WEEK LATER appear. We now see the Lane family basement again, but this time Amanda Lane and Jake are both sitting in full Lotus,5 deep in meditation. Jake looks more peaceful than we have ever seen him. The scene fades out.
Scene 2. Helen.
The screen stays black for a few minutes, and we see the words 5 days earlier
We see a familiar looking red convertible pull up in front of the Morgendorffer house. It's Amy Barksdale. as she approaches the front door, it flies open. A highly disheveled Helen appears. Her eyes are red, and she's wearing the same clothes as the last time we saw her. She is disheveled, and looks as though she hasn't slept much in the past two days. Her eyes are half closed.Helen: Jake! Where the HELL have you...(sees
Amy) Oh, it's you. (without another word,
Helen turns around and goes back inside,
leaving the door open behind her)
Amy: (THought voice) This is bad. You should run for
it. No she's your sister. See if she's OK. No,
run for it. SHUT UP! (she enters the house)
Helen is seated on the couch. Amy walks up to her and
sits next to her.
Amy: Nice to see you, too Helen. So do you want to talk
about it?
Helen: What (sniff) what are you doing here?
Amy: I was passing through town on business, and I thought
I'd check in on you guys. Looks like it's a good thing
I did. You look like hell Helen. And that's not
like you. Now are you going to tell me what's wrong, or do
I have to get out the hot irons?
Helen: No, I... OH AMY! (she throws herself at Amy, and hugs her,
crying into Amy's shoulder. Amy looks freaked by it, but she
hugs Helen and pats her back)
Amy: Alright Helen, tell me all about it.
Helen: We both decided to take a few weeks off work and try to work
out our problems. The first few days were blissful (shows a
slight blush as she remembers)
Amy: OOHH!
Helen: AMY! Anyway, then we had this stupid fight. Over
parking tickets! Then he got drunk, and I yelled and he
yelled, and I told him to get out... and that was THREE
DAYS AGO! (Starts to cry a little)
Amy: Well, he obviously hasn't been in an accident or anything.
Helen: He can't take care of himself Amy! When I think
of my poor, sweet, innocent little Jakey out there all alone...
Amy: Helen, he's a grown man for God's sake! He's not
a puppy or a child. Despite the fact that he's an alcoholic...
Helen: (defensive) He's NOT an alcoholic...(Amy silences her with
a sharp glare)
Amy: And he's what psychologists call a dependant personality.
and your his enabler. He needs to learn independence
and you need to learn to use him as a partner and
not as a subordinate.
Helen: (can't deny anything Amy has said) So what am I supposed to
do?
Amy: (sighs) Clean yourself up. Get the house into shape. Do some
research on Alcoholism. I know Jake, he'll be back. You just have
to wait. If you want I can stay...
Helen: Stay tonight Amy. I need someone here.
Amy: Alright. Sis.
The screen goes dark and the words 3 days later appear. Then we see the Morgendorffer driveway. Amy and Helen walk out to her car.Amy: Look, Helen if you want me to stay longer...
Helen: No, Amy. You have to get back to your
work. You've been very helpful.
Amy: Keep me informed, OK? As my favorite
sister?
Helen: (Smiles) Thank you Amy. For everything.
As Amy pulls out of the driveway, a sad looking Helen goes back inside.
Scene 3. Gratuitous (you know what) scene.
We see a very drunk and/or high looking Monique staggering along the sidewalks. She comes up to the Lane household. She says to herself "Hey, I could use some Trent right about now". She goes to the door, which is of course unlocked, and heads down into the basement. We see her disrobing in the dark, as she approaches a heap laying on the floor. "Wake up Trent, I have a nice surprise for you" She says as she pulls back the cover. "Helen?" Jake says sleepily. "Who's Helen Trent?" "Trent?". Jake turns the light on and sees a very naked Monique. They stare at each other for a few seconds then they both scream in unison. Monique quickly throws on her clothes and runs out the back door.6 "Geez who was that creepy old guy?" Monique wonders as she stumbles through the back yard. Unfortunately for her, her and Jake's screams have awaken Zachary and Taylor, the Lane family attack cats. She doesn't see them until it's too late, and they are upon her! We see her go down with one cat clawing and biting at her face, while the other works on her midsection. She rolls around on the ground, and the cats fall off her. She runs out of the back yard and into the road, where a car suddenly screeches to a stop. The driver leaps out and runs up to her. It's Mr DeMartino.Mr. DeMartino: WHAT the DEVIL where
you doing in the middle of the road MOnique?
Monique: (usual ditzy self) Oh hey Mr. D! How
about showing a girl a good time?
Mr. DeMartino: Oh what the hell! (starts to lead Monique
back to his car)
Suddenly we see Mr. DeMartino's thoughts. He is in Ms. Li's office.Ms. Li: According to this medical report, you have seven
sexually transmitted diseases! I'm afraid we'll
have to let you go.
The dream sequence ends.Mr. DeMartino: On the OTHER hand, MONique
it might be best if you SLEEP IT OFF
in SOMEONE'S lawn. Trust me it'll
do you a WORLD of good. (He gets
into his car and drives off).
The bumper comes up, and we see Monique and Jake screaming at each other.
Commercial Break
We once again see Daria and Jane in Janes room.Jane: Geez are we even in this episode?
Daria: You have to appear in the story, because of
a clause in your contract. I foolishly believed
that being the star would make such a clause
unnecessary. Silly me. I feel like I'm in a Kara Wild
Fanfic.
Jane: No, then it would be about Quinn.
Crazy Nutso: (offscreen) You'll both appear at the end of Act III.
Now do the public service message!
Jane's computer: (In Erik's voice) (singing) Helen, OH Helen...your
so swell en. Ah damn I'll E-mail you.
Daria: (glances at the computer) You're using Crazy's theme?
Jane: What do you expect in his fanfic? (She looks at the
computer screen) It's E-mail from Canadibrit. She's
still a little irked over you claiming to be her.
Daria: OK, everyone I am not Canadibrit, OK? It was
just a joke.
Jane: Yeah. Besides, I thought everybody knew that
her real name is Lynn Cullen7. (Daria
suddenly buries her face in her hands)
Daria: Good one Lane, now you've done it.
Jane: What? (Suddenly a huge tomato sails across the room
and pastes Jane right in the face) HEY! What was that
for?
CN (offscreen) Hey if I'm gonna get 'matered, so are you!8
Jane: (still at her computer) Say, Daria...Do you know...um LINE!
CN (offscreen) DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND...
Jane: GOT IT, THANKS! Do you know where I can find the latest
fanfics from SBBED D?
Daria: Why, I believe the can be found at Crazy Nutso's fanfic website.
What's that address again, Crazy?
CN: (offscreen) Just Tell them to hunt around!
Jane: Say isn't this supposed to be a public service announcement?
Daria: Let's end our suffering. Trent. Trent? TRENT.
Trent: (He was sleeping in a chair) Huh? WHat? oh um..
(he sees Jane's 'mater covered face) Kids remember
don't play with your food!
Daria: Just super.
ACT III. Tainted Love.
Scene 1. Reunited.
We see Helen power walking. Tainted Love by Softcell plays in the background. Suddenly Helen comes to a dead stop, and we see a look of total astonishment on her face. The camera pans to show us why. We see the front of the Lane house, and Jake's Lexus is neatly parked in their driveway. Helen strides up the driveway toward the door. Suddenly she is hit from both sides by the attack cats. They manage to scratch the heck out of her face before she can toss them off. We see them land and turn back toward her. But Helen isn't running. She's standing her ground, crouched slightly "Come and get it you little bastards!" Zachary and Taylor look at each other, and then take off in the opposite direction. Helen nods with satisfaction, then enters the Lane home. As she enters, she can hear noises from the basement:Jake: How's that?
Amanda: Oh! Um. That's good Jake. You're getting
a lot better at this. A little harder and
faster but not too fast. OH yes, that's
good. Oooh Jake, You're a natural.
The camera stays on Helen's face as this is heard. Needless to say, said face is becoming more and more angry. Helen strides purposely down the steps to the basement. We see Amanda Lane on the couch, with her back to us. Jake (who also has his back to us) is giving her a back rub9 ( what did you think they were doing, you pervert?) Jake hears Helen at the last moment and turns toward her.Jake: Helen! (his voice says he's glad
to see her) How have you...( Helen cuts him off
with a fierce right cross, he goes down)
Amanda: Hello Helen. (Helen yells, and leaps at her. they
roll around on the floor a bit, and end up with Helen
on top of Amanda, choking her. Amanda has a
peaceful look on her face, and isn't fighting back.)
Helen: Oh, God, I'm sorry Amanda. Are you alright?
Amanda: I'm fine Helen. I suppose I should have called you,
but I was so concerned with teaching Jake how to
relax, I guess I forgot about you. You could certainly
use some relaxing, too.
Helen: You have no idea.
Jake: (getting up. He's got the makings of a fine shiner)
Helen... I'm sorry I said...
Helen: (goes to Jake, gently hugs him) I know Jake. I'm
sorry I've been treating you like a child. We'll get
past your problems Jake, together. (they hug
each other) And I want to thank you Amanda.
It's obvious that you've helped Jake a great deal.
Amanda: (Looking at Jake & Helen) You know what you
two need? Keroki therapy!
Jake & Helen: (in unison) Keroki therapy?
Amanda: (messing with a keroki machine) Yep, you just sing
to each other. It's very good therapy. My husband and
I use it all the time. (she turns on the machine and a
Kenny Rogers song comes on) I'll just leave you two
alone. (she leaves).
Jake: (singing) You done't bring me flowers.
Helen: You don't sing me love songs
Jake: You hardly talk to me anymore, when I walk
through the door, at the end of the day.
Helen: I remember when....You couldn't wait to
love me.
Jake: you used to hate to leave me
Helen: Now after loving me late at night
Jake: when it's good for you baby, and you're feeling
just right
Helen: Well you just roll over, and turn out the lights
Jake: You don't say you need me
Helen: you don't think I'm special
Jake: You don't bring me flowers
Helen & Jake: any---more (they embrace)
A while later we see Wind walking by the door into the basement.Wind: Sounds like Jake's practicing his massage
technique again.
Amanda: I don't think so, Wind.
Wind: What the... but...who?
Amanda: Why don't you take your mother out to
eat, and I'll tell you all about it.
We see Amanda and Wind leave. After a while, we see Jake and Helen, looking slightly disheveled, but happy, come out of the basement. They are holding hands and giggling like teenagers in love. They get in Jake's Lexus, and drive home. Once there Jake carries Helen across the threshold. Then he sets her down inside.Helen: Let's go straight to bed.
Jake: There's something I need to do first. (Jake goes
resolvedly to the bathroom. He opens the medicine
cabinet and starts throwing away all the pills he has
in there) I don't need any of this CRAP anymore!
Helen: That's great, Jake! Now come here and show me your
back rub technique! (we see them go into the bedroom
and hear them giggling).
The scene fades out.
Scene 2. 2 months later.
Jake is pacing in the living room. He looks nervous and excited. We see an empty box on the couch. A close up reveals it's the box from a pregnancy test.Helen: (offscreen) JAKE! Come up here.
Jake: (runs up the stairs into the bathroom. Helen is holding
the test) Well?
Helen: Look for yourself. (She hands the test to Jake)
Jake: (looks at the test) YEAAWHO! (he sets the test
down on the sink) Helen, let's go out and celebrate.
the girls won't be back for another week or so.
Helen: Ok, let's go.
Jake and Helen head out the door, holding hands. They get in Jake's Lexus and speed away. Seconds later a crappy blue 1978 Chevy Nova pulls into the driveway. Although the body of the car is light blue, the doors and trunk are dark blue, and the hood is black. Daria and Jane hop out of this monstrosity and head for the front door.10 They enter.Daria: Mom, Dad? Is anyone here?
Jane: That's what you get for coming home early. Hey
what's this? (she picks the box from the pregnancy
test up off the couch) Uh Oh. Take a look at this
Daria.
Daria: Oh my...(she runs upstairs, the camera follows her as she
enters the bathroom. She sees the pregnancy test and picks it
up. The viewers cannot see the results) OH...MY....GOD!
The screen goes blank, and the 3 words all tv viewers dread seeing appear....