SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, next morning)
(Outside shot of the house. We hear Helen's voice-over)
HELEN: (crooning) Why Eric, what a surprise!
(cut to inside shot showing kitchen and living room. Helen's pacing around in the foreground, dressed in leisure wear, cordless phone at her ear. Amy, Daria, and Quinn sit in the background, finishing breakfast [bagels, if you're interested!].)
HELEN: Monday? It's been moved up? (Pause) Well of course I can have it ready by then --
(cut to close-up Amy, Daria, and Quinn, listening. Amy's in Helen's spot, Daria in her usual place, Quinn in Jake's spot)
HELEN: (off screen) Saturday, any day, I'm always willing to be ready for you...
(voice fades into the background. Amy observes all this with an amused, perplexed expression. Turns to Daria and Quinn.)
AMY: Who's Eric? (Bt) Your mom's secret lover?
(Daria smirks.)
DARIA: Nope -- boss. (Bt) But the effect's the same: late nights with a mysterious stranger, a family in shambles --
HELEN: (off screen) Amy, girls...
(Helen approaches the table. Looks at them, resigned.)
HELEN: I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Bt) My deposition's been moved up a couple of days so I'll have to get right to the paperwork. (Bt) Which means I can't go out with you, today.
(Daria and Quinn glance at each other.)
DARIA & QUINN: Mmmmmmmmm... ("typical Mom")
(Amy looks understanding, but a little resigned as well.)
AMY: That's too bad, Helen. (Bt) You couldn't put it off 'til tomorrow?
(Helen gets an exasperated expression, puts her hands on her hips. "How could you even ask such a question???")
HELEN: Of course I can't put it off until tomorrow! Amy, my work is important to me, and --
(Helen walks up and stands over her. Amy eyes her warily.)
HELEN: -- it's especially important that I show Eric and the other members of my firm that I can stay ahead --
(cut to close-up Amy. rolls her eyes)
AMY: (thought voice-over) Oh God, I shouldn't have said anything.
HELEN: (off screen) -- All too often women --
(fade-out. fade-in to close-up of Amy as a baby, sitting in a high chair. zoom out to show a young Helen standing over her, lecturing in the exact same way as she is now. Amy eyes her with the exact same wary expression.)
HELEN: -- get pushed aside and ignored because men think we're not good enough --
(cut to scene of Amy, now 8 years old, standing over a sink in the foreground, brushing her teeth, while Helen lectures her in the background. Amy's hair is in ponytails like Ms. Morris's from "See Jane Run," and she wears thick glasses. Helen's in her full hippie regalia.)
HELEN: -- That's why we have to prove that we are equally as competent as those bald-headed, middle-aged, chauvinistic --
(cut to scene of Amy at her high school graduation, posing in front of the camera with her family. Helen stands at her right, with Jake beside her, lecturing. Helen has Farrah Fawcett hair, while Jake has a '70's fro and a mustache.)
HELEN: -- neanderthals, which entails us putting a little extra effort into our chosen professions --
(cut to scene of the bathroom in the Morgendorffers' old house in Highland. Amy, now in her mid-twenties, kneels over the bathtub, where little versions of Daria and Quinn are splashing each other with water. Helen sits on the toilet seat lid, lecturing.)
HELEN: -- Once they see for themselves how devoted we are, they'll accept us into their male-dominated clubs and --
(cut to close-up Amy in the foreground, Helen in the background. Some water splashes on Amy's glasses. She wears a stunned expression.)
HELEN: -- Amy, are you listening to me????
(fade-out. fade-in to the present. Amy's sitting as before, looking bored. Helen is still standing over her, lecturing.)
HELEN: Now it's been over twenty years and we're still working on it, but women --
QUINN: (off screen. exasperated) Mo-om!
(cut to close-up Quinn)
QUINN: Give it a rest, already!
(pan to Daria)
DARIA: Yeah, Mom. You've been giving this speech for as long as I can remember, and all this time, the glass ceiling hasn't budged from its comfy spot above our heads.
(cut to wide shot. Helen looks chastened. Amy smirks with sympathy and relief.)
HELEN: (flustered) Well -- I... I didn't realize... (looks sideways off screen) Jakey!
(cut to shot of Jake, walking toward them from the stairs. stops)
JAKE: Yeah?
(cut to wide shot of Helen, Amy, Daria, and Quinn)
HELEN: Why don't you take Amy and the girls out around town, today?
(cut to shot of Jake)
JAKE: Well, sure, why n-- (remembers. panic-stricken) eek -- gah! But the auto show's today!
HELEN: (off screen) Oh come on! (Bt. she walks up to him, hands still on her hips, annoyed at hubby's misplaced priorities) Surely you can miss one little auto show for your sister-in-law!
JAKE: (mumbling. despair) But they're gonna have DeLoreans there....
HELEN: (dripping with irritation) Oh Jake. (glares at him)
(cut to shot of Amy, Daria, and Quinn at the table)
AMY: It's all right, Helen. (stands)
(cut to shot of Helen and Jake. Pause. Amy walks up to them from off screen.)
AMY: I think I'll be fine with just the girls taking me out. (Bt. glances at Jake. smirks) As one who loves her car, I can't begrudge the man his auto show.
(Jake wipes his forehead.)
JAKE: Phew!
HELEN: (to Amy. mollified) Well all right, if you feel that way. But listen, Amy, (crooning tone) we're still on for tonight, just the two of us. (pats Amy's arm)
AMY: I haven't forgotten. (Bt. to Daria and Quinn) You girls ready?
DARIA & QUINN: (off screen) Yeah.
(Daria and Quinn walk on screen. Amy goes over to the door.)
HELEN: Bye, you three! Have fun! (wears a guilty expression, tries to sound cheery)
AMY: Bye. Don't break your nose on the grindstone, Helen. (opens door, leaves)
(Daria follows her.)
DARIA: See ya, Dad. (to Helen) Go get 'em, Tiger. (slips out the door)
(Quinn goes last.)
QUINN: Yeah, bye.
(Meanwhile, Helen's looking even more guilty after Amy's remark and Daria's little nickname. She suddenly shakes her head, remembers something.)
HELEN: Quinn? Wait, Quinn!
(Quinn stops. holds the door open. looks at Helen)
QUINN: (suspicious) Yeah?!
(Helen's face takes on an annoyed, yet triumphant, look.)
HELEN: (no-nonsense) Aren't we forgetting something? (Bt) Remember our deal?
(Pause. For a second, Quinn just looks at her mom with a wilted expression. Then Helen gives an insinuating nod. Pause. Quinn's face takes on a sneer of resentment. She slowly reaches into her purse and pulls out a black case. Holds it above her head, rattles it sarcastically.)
HELEN: Now put them on.
(Quinn sighs sharply, pissed off. Opens the case, takes out her glasses. puts them on. cut to close-up Helen)
HELEN: Now see, that wasn't so ba-- (sound of door slamming off screen. Helen's face falls) Hmmmm...
(cut to side close-up of Quinn. She yanks off the glasses in mid-walk, puts them in her purse. starts to sprint. cut to frontal shot of Daria walking toward car in the foreground, Quinn in the background, quickly approaching her.)
QUINN: I call shotgun!!!
(cut to a back shot of Daria, close to the front passenger seat. Quinn races past her and jumps into it. cut to side close-up Quinn smirking and buckling her shoulder belt. Daria stands in the background, giving her the evil eye. cut to shot of Amy, standing next to the car on the driver's side, staring at Quinn with a slight frown. She knows that Quinn just did a rude thing, but she also knows that if she openly takes Daria's side, she risks starting a war that could screw up the entire day. Pause. Amy finally looks at Daria.)
AMY: (sympathetic. apologetic) On the way back, Daria.
(Daria stares at Quinn, still giving her the evil eye. She slowly walks away from the passenger side seat. Pause. cut to frontal shot of Quinn, smirking contentedly. Daria slides into the back seat via the driver's side.)
DARIA: (to Quinn. irritated) Aren't you afraid of convertible hair?
QUINN: (chipper) 'Course not -- at Fashion Club meetings we practiced drills on these kinds of things 'til we found the perfect way to hold your head so you get a really cool wave!
DARIA: (sarcastic) Fascinating.
(Amy slides into the driver's seat, shuts the door.)
AMY: Okay, you two (buckles up), quit your squabblin'. (Bt) We're off. (turns key in the ignition. car purrs to life)
(cut to a slightly wider shot of the car pulling away from the curb. fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 2 (drivin' around)
(Shot of car driving down a residential street. cut to close-up Amy, looking in rear view mirror. cut to shot of the mirror, in which we see part of Amy's face and Daria in the background, wearing her usual impassive expression.)
AMY: (some concern) You okay back there, Daria?
(cut to side shot of Daria in the back seat. She's brushing split ends into Quinn's hair.)
DARIA: Oh, I'm managing.
(cut to frontal shot of the three of them)
AMY: So, where to, first?
(Pause. Quinn peers out the side of the car, trying to see. She frowns, squints. cut to her POV -- everything's a blur. resume wide shot. Daria sees her difficulty, smirks.)
DARIA: (to Amy) Allow me to do the honors. (Pause. voice goes into extreme deadpan) Lawndale -- sister city of Paris. Home to celebrities recovering from various addictions...
(fade-out. fade-in to shot of the car driving past Lawndale High)
DARIA: (voice-over) ... Now here we have the local zoo. Home to the rare species of Ruttenjerkus and the Eaposaurus...
(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past the tattoo parlor from "Pierce Me")
DARIA: (voice-over) ... and here we have the local art museum....
(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past the arcade from "The New Kid")
DARIA: (voice-over) ... the Boy's Club....
(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past alley with McGrundy's)
DARIA: (voice-over) ... and last, but not least, Coverband Central --
(cut to close-up of Daria, Amy, and Quinn in the car. Amy appears to have enjoyed the tour.)
DARIA: -- or, as it's more commonly known: House of Dreams That Have Died. (Bt) Well, that's it. That concludes our tour of Lawndale. Please stop by at the souvenir stand on your way out.
QUINN: (peeved) What?! That can't be it! There's loads more stuff to see here than that! (Pause. realizes that there isn't) Ugh.
AMY: I'll just assume this place has a vibrant nightlife. (Bt) Hey, was that a mall I saw back there?
DARIA & QUINN: (relieved) Yes!
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (the mall -- Lawndale or Cranberry Commons... you make the call!)
(Shot of a TV screen. On it, an eagle swoops down and scoops up a rodent in its talons)
ANNOUNCER: "He stole her egg -- she crushed his skull! Psycho-mother eagles on the warpath on the next Sick Sad World!"
(SSW eyeball pops on screen. cut to wide shot, showing rows of TV's in a large store window, all with the SSW eyeball. Amy, Daria, and Quinn walk on screen. pan shot to follow them as they walk. They appear to have done quite a bit of shopping. Amy and Daria both carry bags of books, and are trading a book back and forth. Quinn's carrying several Cashman's bags. Daria glances at Quinn's purchases.)
DARIA: (to Quinn. sarcastic) Shopped out, yet?
(Bt. Quinn sniffs the air. Her face brightens.)
QUINN: Not yet!
(Letting her nose be her guide, Quinn dashes off screen. cut to a shot of a nearby cosmetics shop, with an outside display of skin cream jars. Quinn runs up to the display and takes a jar. She lifts the lid off and sniffs the inside contents. From the background, Amy and Daria approach her.)
QUINN: It's Pore-Cleansing Skin Massage from Château Pierre François!
DARIA: Well ooh-la-la.
(pan to Amy. She takes a jar, removes the lid, and sniffs.)
AMY: This stuff is really good for keeping your skin hydrated.
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: (to Amy. subtle disappointment) You go for this kind of thing??
AMY: (understanding, but philosophical) Daria, when you get to be my age, you start realizing the years won't keep themselves off.
(Daria shrugs an "I see your point." Amy then frowns with sudden realization and looks at Quinn.)
AMY: Uh, Quinn? (Quinn watches her expectantly.) Maybe you'd better get a few of those jars for your mother. (Bt) It's great for tension wrinkles.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, same time that afternoon)
(Shot of the outside of the house. We hear Helen's voice-over. She's grumbling and muttering to herself.)
HELEN: (voice-over) Just sweeps right in... just sweeps right in....!
(cut to overhead shot of Helen sitting on the center couch of the living room, surrounded by papers. She's stooped over her legal notepad, scribbling. cut to frontal shot of Helen, frowning, scribbling, and erasing.)
HELEN: (falsetto) "Hiiiiiiii, how're yee-ooo?!"... "So nice to seeeeee you, (falsetto lapses into a grumble) it's only been a thousand years..."
(cut to close-up of the legal pad. Instead of legal notes, Helen is drawing stars and lightning bolts, the way she did when she talked to Rita in "I Don't.")
HELEN: (resumes falsetto) "Oh, but that won't stop me from stealing your kid. (cut to close-up Helen) 'Cause you see, with you she's mrrrrrrr-mrrrrrrr-mrrrrrrrr, but with me she's laaaaaa-laaaaaa-laaaaaa!" (normal voice. bitter) Honest to God, I just don't know why I bother to --
(phone rings. cut to close-up of legal pad. The lead on Helen's pencil snaps. She slams the pencil down. cut to shot of Helen. She grabs the cordless phone by her side, yells into the receiver.)
HELEN: What?!!
(Linda Griffin's on the other end. split screen diagonal)
LINDA: (triumphant snobby tone) Helen. My, you sound feisty today.
HELEN: (caught off guard, as always whenever she speaks to Linda) Uh, oh-oh, um, hi Linda!
LINDA: It isn't that time of the month, is it? (Bt) Oh, but I suppose you'd be past that stage of your life by now.
HELEN: (seething. phony laugh) Eh-heh-heh-heh. (faux enthusiasm) Well, um, gosh Linda, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call??!
LINDA: To the fact that I landed the big Stevens account, and I'm making Tom take me out to celebrate tonight. (Bt) We're going to the Blue Velvet Lounge -- and we thought we might add a little cheer to your lives by asking you and Jake to join us.
HELEN: (Pause. then:) Heh-heh-heh, well gee Linda, that's awfully nice of you, but we've got family staying over this weekend, and --
LINDA: Oh, I see. (not one for tact) Well, I understand, Helen -- family ties come first. (Bt) Maybe we can get together another time, when you've had a major achievement. If that ever happens. (hangs up. full shot of Helen)
HELEN: (still on the part about "family ties" and "get together") Well yes, yes, that sounds goooo-ah! (absorbs the last bit) What?! (holds out phone. yells into the receiver) Why you conceited bitch! Of all the nerve!!! (flings phone aside. cut to overhead shot of Helen. She looks at the ceiling, waving her fists.) Dammit Jake, why aren't you here when I need someone to yell at??!!!
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Pizza King, later that afternoon)
(Shot of Amy, Daria, and Quinn sitting in a booth, eating pizza. Amy's holding a slice of pizza and her glasses are fogged up from the steam. She puts the slice down and removes her glasses to wipe them off.)
AMY: The one drawback to eating pizza.
(Daria does the same thing.)
DARIA: I'll say.
(Quinn watches them. has cheeseless pizza on her plate [in case you're interested].)
QUINN: (slightly nervous) Gosh, that must get really annoying after a while.
(Daria puts her glasses back on.)
DARIA: (pointedly, to Quinn) Just the price we pay for quality vision. (looking right at her as she says this)
(Quinn laughs nervously. Amy puts her glasses back on, cocks an eyebrow at them in a perplexed manner.)
AMY: Am I missing something?
(Quinn sighs, slumps forward. Daria's smirking, of course.)
DARIA: Let's just say we have a third member of our glasses brigade.
AMY: (surprised) Quinn, you wear glasses?
QUINN: (flatly) No.
DARIA: But not because she doesn't need them. (Bt) You see, Mom and Quinn made this deal: Quinn doesn't have to wear her glasses at home -- (meanwhile, Quinn eyes her resentfully.) -- just to places where maximum vision quality is essential -- like school or the public streets. (Bt) Which, of course, means she never wears them.
QUINN: (sarcastic) Ha-ha.
AMY: Quinn, you shouldn't be ashamed to wear glasses. I mean, they're just to help you see better, not to turn you into a different person.
DARIA: (to Quinn) Funny, this sounds familiar. [*] see "Rose-Colored Lenses"
(Quinn glares at her.)
AMY: I bet you look fine. Would you mind showing me?
(Quinn glances nervously at Daria, then at Amy. hesitates, then: )
QUINN: (rushed) Um, maybe later, I have to go use the ladies' room and maybe ask the counter guy if he's got crushed ice for my soda and if he doesn't if he'll go crush some --
(Quinn slips out of the booth without another word. Amy and Daria watch her go, then exchange a "She's in denial, big time" expression.)
(cut to shot of Quinn, dashing toward the counter. from off screen: )
SANDI: Quinn!
(Quinn turns around. cut to her POV. frontal shot of the other members of the Fashion Club. cut to wide shot, Quinn approaching them)
QUINN: (trying to sound enthusiastic) Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany -- how nice to see you guys.
SANDI: (megabitch. wary) I thought you said you weren't going to shop today.
TIFFANY: You said you had family in town.
STACY: (crestfallen) Quinn, you haven't been shopping for skorts without us, have you???
QUINN: Uh, no-o, of course not. I really do have family in town, honest. (Bt) Um, you guys weren't gonna shop without me, were you?
(The F.C.'s look at each other uneasily.)
F.C: Uh no, no, 'course we wouldn't.
(Quinn gets wicked smirk on her face.)
QUINN: Good, 'cause you know as well as I do that eating before trying on clothes makes you all bloated so you end up buying sizes that are too large and it makes you look really, really, really bad.
(The F.C.'s cringe.)
F.C: Ewww.
SANDI: (flustered) Yes, well, um, Stacy wanted to get something here.
STACY: I did???
(Sandi gives Stacy her patented megabitch look. Quinn smirks triumphantly at them.)
(Pause. cut to shot of Amy and Daria sitting in the booth. from off screen: )
QUINN: Aunt Amy!
(Amy and Daria look up. cut to side shot, Quinn and the F.C.'s approaching them from off screen right. cut to frontal shot of Quinn and the F.C.'s)
QUINN: These're my friends -- Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. (Bt) Guys, this is Amy.
(cut to close-up Amy)
AMY: Nice to meet you.
(She frowns as the camera starts to slowly pan away. It pans down to Quinn's seat, around which several of her Cashman's bags are gathered. cut to shot of Quinn and the F.C.'s. The F.C's eye the bags moodily, then glare at Quinn. Quinn laughs nervously.)
QUINN: Oh, huh-huh, those are their bags!
(Meanwhile, Amy has an "O-kaay" expression on her face. Daria's face is impassive, unsurprised. Sandi now looks at Amy.)
SANDI: (haughty) So, Amy, you're Quinn's aunt?
AMY: (sarcastic) Uh-huh.
SANDI: So, does that, like, mean you're that girl's mother?? (points to Daria)
(Daria looks a bit startled. Amy looks stunned.)
AMY: Um, I don't --
(Quinn cuts her off with a wave of her hand, looks nervous.)
QUINN: Uh yes -- yes she's my cousin's mother. (nods her head in Daria's direction)
(Sandi cocks an eyebrow.)
SANDI: (to Amy) Really??
(Bt)
AMY: Well, actually I'm --
(cut to Amy's POV. close-up of Sandi, looking suspicious. pan to Quinn, nodding frantically. pan to Daria, who gives her the go-ahead nod. resume wide shot.)
AMY: Uh, yes. Yes I am.
SANDI: But aren't you supposed to be in jail???
(Now Amy looks really stunned. She tries to recover.)
AMY: Oh, um, I got out on good behavior.
TIFFANY: For vehicle theft and manslaughter???
(Amy gives Quinn the evil eye. Quinn lets out another nervous laugh. Then Daria looks pointedly at Amy, smirks a "We could have some fun with this." Pause. Amy comprehends, gets into her role.)
AMY: (to the F.C.'s) Yeah, well, that's just what I told the girls down at the clink. You know, to make them think I was tough so I wouldn't get thrashed by them.
(Pause. The F.C.'s look at each other. Then Stacy looks at Amy.)
STACY: (timid) So what did you do?
(Amy glances at Daria, smirking, and turns to the F.C.'s.)
AMY: We-ell, I really shouldn't say this, but you girls seem trustworthy enough. (Bt) I'm a reporter. And, because I wouldn't reveal my source in the great Mafia murder trial two years ago, I got put in jail.
(The F.C.'s look at each other again, intrigued. Quinn relaxes.)
(fade-out. fade-in to reveal a short passage of time. Quinn is sitting in the booth with Amy and Daria. The F.C.'s have pulled up chairs and are sitting around them.)
AMY: ... Well of course Bruno did it -- mobsters make it their living to kill at least three people a day before breakfast alone.
(Meanwhile, Stacy and Tiffany are hanging on Amy's every word. Sandi is impressed, but trying not to show it. She wears a cool, haughty expression.)
STACY & TIFFANY: Oh!
AMY: Bu-ut, since he'd spilled the beans on Fredo and the boys, I couldn't break my word to him. (Bt) And the rest is history.
STACY & TIFFANY: Ohhhh...
AMY: (faux maternal tone) And now my only business is picking up the shattered pieces of mine and my daughter's lives.
STACY & TIFFANY: Awwww!
AMY: (to Daria) Can you ever forgive me, honey?
(Pause)
DARIA: (faux hesitant tone) Gosh, I don't know, Mom. (Bt) I mean, look at what all your years of neglect have turned my into. (Bt. spreads out arms for emphasis. to the F.C's) I used to be on the pep squad.
STACY & TIFFANY: Oh!
DARIA: (wearing a smirk of forgiveness) Bu-ut, I guess having Mom back would be better than getting stuck with the Morgendorffers on a permanent basis. (Bt. to Amy) So I forgive you.
AMY: Oh, honey!
STACY & TIFFANY: Awwwwwww!!!
(Now Sandi glances at Quinn, smirks malevolently.)
SANDI: Gee, Quinn, that girl's mother's a lot cooler than yours.
QUINN: (glaring at her) Hey!
SANDI: (faux apologetic) Oops, sorry, I guess that was tacky.
(Amy and Daria frown.)
AMY: (to Sandi. sarcastic) Tacky -- you??? Impossible.
(Pause. Sandi eyes Amy warily. Meanwhile, Daria looks reflective.)
DARIA: Well I don't know -- Aunt Helen's led a pretty interesting life. (Bt. to the F.C.'s) Have you ever seen her mudwrestle?
(The F.C.'s look at each other, stunned.)
F.C: Huh? Mudwrestle???
DARIA: She was all-pro for about three years, 'til she decided the sport was too dirty, and that she'd be better off with just sky diving and kick-boxing.
(Stacy looks at Quinn.)
STACY: Is that true, Quinn??
QUINN: Uh, I guess.
AMY: I just love watching her kick some sorry bastard's ass in the ring.
(Stacy and Tiffany now "oooh" and "ahhhh" amongst themselves. Sandi sits there, silent and pouty from having been defeated. Quinn utters a small sigh of relief. Amy and Daria give each other congratulatory smirks for a job well done. Then Amy turns to Sandi.)
AMY: (faux friendly) So what did you say your mother does, again?
(Sandi gazes back at her, too dumbfounded to respond.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (drivin' around)
(Shot of Amy and Daria driving in the car -- Quinn's stayed behind with the F.C.'s.)
AMY: Nice friends Quinn has. (Bt) I'd hate to meet her enemies.
DARIA: Yeah. (they both chuckle)
AMY: So does she always do that to you? Pretend you're her cousin?
DARIA: Not all the time. (Bt) Only when we're in public.
(Bt)
AMY: You must hate it.
(Pause)
DARIA: Well, I tell myself that it's just that stupid teenage phase we're in that makes her act the way she does. (Pause) But yeah, I hate it.
(cut to wider shot of the car pausing in a turn lane. cut to shot of Amy and Daria)
AMY: Reminds me of when I was young. (Pause) Whenever Rita and I went out somewhere, she always made me hide in the trunk of the car if we ran into one of her love interests.
DARIA: The trunk???
AMY: (bitter amusement) Yeah -- 'til one day, she forgot to open it.
(Daria's face gets a "Yikes!" expression.)
AMY: A little trip to the hospital set her priorities straight.
(Daria chuckles sympathetically. cut to wider shot of the car turning into a parking lot. cut to frontal shot of car pulling into a space.)
DARIA: So why are we stopping?
AMY: I just thought maybe you'd like to try driving this thing. (pats steering wheel)
(Daria smirks.)
DARIA: Hmmm, in anticipation that you might offer, I came prepared. (flashes contact lens case)
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (Jane's house)
(Shot of Jane's house from the outside. cut to close-up Jane painting at a canvas, which is angled so that we can't see what's on it. A squealing sound is heard off screen. Jane cringes, then continues painting. Pause. Another squealing sound, this time louder. Jane cringes again, then continues painting. Pause. This time, a loud, prolonged squeal. Jane cringes and her paintbrush goes askew. cut to frontal shot of the canvas. Jane's been painting a still life of dead fruit -- now there's a big black streak through the center. Jane turns to face front, a slightly peeved expression on her face.)
JANE: O-kay, let's see what all the commotion's about.
(cut to a wider shot of the room. Jane goes over to the red curtains, peels one back, and looks out her window.)
JANE: Oh -- Daria's driving. (Bt) Might've known. (walks away from the window in the direction of the door)
(cut to shot of Amy and Daria in the car. Daria, now in contacts, is driving. Every half-dozen feet or so, the car screeches to a halt, producing the nasty sound Jane heard. cut to frontal close-up Amy and Daria. Daria smirks sheepishly. Amy looks amused, but a little rattled nonetheless. cut to a shot of the curb next to Jane's house. The car pulls up beside it with one final squeal. resume close-up Amy and Daria. Daria glances at Amy. Pause.)
AMY: Uh, getting better.
(Daria nods. cut to frontal shot of Jane's house. Jane has opened her front door and is now walking down the walkway to the curb. cut to a wide frontal shot of the car, side shot of Jane approaching.)
JANE: (to Amy) So, Famous Aunt, we meet again.
AMY: (smirking) Nice to see you, Partner in Crime.
DARIA: Yo, Jane: you feel like coming over to my place tonight? (Bt) Amy and my mom are going out for a little sibling bondfest.
JANE: (to Amy) You and Helen? (Bt) Think you could last an evening alone together?
AMY: I've been wondering that, myself.
(Pause. Jane shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly.)
JANE: Yeah, sure, I'm game. (Bt) Oh, and Daria -- Trent taught me that when you're driving a stick, you gotta ease up on the clutch and press down on the gas slowly to avoid spin.
(Amy looks at Jane gratefully.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 8 (Morgendorffer house, late afternoon)
(Shot of outside. We hear Jake's voice-over. cut to inside shot, showing a side close-up of Helen. She looks weary and apprehensive. cut to wider shot -- we see she's sitting on the center couch of the living room, looking toward the bay window. Jake, back from the auto show, lies on the left hand couch, gesticulating wildly. Quinn's back, too -- she sits on the right hand couch, serenely holding one new outfit after another up against her chest. The whole time, Jake's been saying: )
JAKE: ... And you wouldn't believe the number of horses it had!!! I mean, it was like driving a rocket!!! And zero to sixty in point-two seconds -- can you imagine??!! I was almost ready to get out my checkbook right then and there --
(Helen heaves a sigh.)
(cut to outside shot -- curb near the Morgendorffer house. Daria drives Amy and Jane in Amy's now quiet car up to the curb and stops. Amy glances at Jane in the back seat.)
AMY: But don't you think it'd be better if she told him how she felt without the megaphone and floodlights??
JANE: But how else is she gonna get his attention? (Bt. drill-sergeant tone) Daria, my brother's oblivious and time's running out. If you want to show him you like him you gotta move, move, move. (pounds a fist into her hand for emphasis)
(Daria and Amy start to get out of the car.)
DARIA: Look, G.I. Jane, I don't want to make an idiot of myself by yelling my feelings across a crowded room. (Bt) I suggest you go back to the drawing board.
(Jane slips out Amy's side of the car.)
JANE: (to Amy. mischievous) She'll come around.
(cut to shot of the Morgendorffer living room. cut to close-up Helen. She glares in Jake's direction. Jake's still going on about the auto show.)
JAKE: (off screen) ... and those high-powered motor scooters with the passenger side seats -- honey, wouldn't it be great if we got some for us and the girls????
(He's interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. cut to wide shot showing Amy, followed by Daria and Jane, coming through the door. Helen leans toward them. Jake sits up.)
HELEN: (in an almost too-cheery tone) Hi, girls! Did you have fun today???
(Amy, Daria, and Jane walk toward the couches. Daria stops, looks at Quinn. Quinn lays down her outfits, suddenly looking very nervous.)
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yeah. You could say we were transformed by all the excitement.
(Meanwhile, Quinn's making little "Ix-nay" gestures at Amy. Amy nods cryptically. Jane looks at Daria.)
JANE: (hushed) Transformed, you say?
DARIA: Yeah. Let's go upstairs and I'll tell you all about it.
(They leave. Amy smiles "goodbye" to them. Helen watches them go, not understanding, not pursuing. Looks at Amy.)
HELEN: Well what about you, Amy? (Bt) Did Lawndale measure up to your expectations?
AMY: (smirking) I guess -- since I didn't have many to start with. (Bt) So I trust you got a lot of work done, Helen?
(Helen's face takes on a guilty expression. She gets ready to respond, but before she can, Amy continues talking.)
AMY: And Jake, how was the auto show?
(Jake grows wild-eyed with passion.)
JAKE: Fantastic!!! (Bt) It was more than just an auto show -- it was a fuel-powered extravaganza!!!
HELEN: (under her breath) Oh God.
JAKE: (continuing) Every type of fuel-powered vehicle was on display -- you name it, they had it!!!!!! (during this time, Amy's watching Jake with benign amusement) Motorcycles, lawnmowers, airplanes, jet skis -- (Amy's smirk suddenly fades.) Hey, Helen, what would you think if we got some of those??!!
HELEN: I'd think you should have your head examined.
(Meanwhile, Amy's remembering the promise her boyfriend asked her to make. She wears a pained, guilty expression. Pause.)
AMY: (hesitant) You know, Helen, I should --
HELEN: (at the same time) Hey, listen, Amy --
(Pause. Amy and Helen both stop talking, look at each other.)
HELEN: After you.
AMY: No, no, you go first.
(Pause. Helen sighs, stands up. She walks over and stands beside Amy.)
HELEN: I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Bt) I'm a lot more backed-up on my paper work than I thought I'd be and I don't think (pause) that I can go out with you this evening.
(Bt)
AMY: (genuinely disappointed) Aw, but Helen, it's my last night. I'm leaving tomorrow.
HELEN: I know and I am sorry, but I just don't see any way out of it. (Bt. cheery) But tomorrow we can do brunch, I promise.
AMY: (wary) Could I have that in writing?
(Pause. Helen's taken aback. She glares at Amy.)
HELEN: (resentful) Now Amy that's not fair, I have just as much right -- (interrupted by ringing of phone on the couch. Pause. flatly) Excuse me...
(She goes over to the couch and picks up the cordless phone. puts it against her ear.)
HELEN: (crooning) Hello??? (Bt) Well hi, Eric, I wasn't expecting you to --
(Suddenly, Amy reaches over and grabs the phone away. puts it against her ear.)
AMY: Hi, Eric?
HELEN: (fuming. hissing) Amy!
(She tries to grab the phone back from her. Amy turns so that the phone's out of reach.)
AMY: (continuing. rushed) I'm Amy Barksdale, Helen's sister. Listen, I'm only in town for a short time and I just wanted to let you know that before you lay another one of your little projects on Helen, I'm making her take me out tonight, understand? Knew you would. Nice talkin' to you. (Pause. cut to hyper close-up Amy's face. lowers her voice) Oh, and Eric? (Bt) Don't call again. (hangs up)
(cut to wide shot. Smirking, Amy tosses the phone to Helen. Helen's so overcome by rage and astonishment, she almost drops it. cut to shot of Jake and Quinn, wearing stunned expressions.)
JAKE: Wow...
QUINN: Gosh, Aunt Amy, you just out-Mommed Mom!
(cut to shot of Amy in the foreground, Helen in the background)
AMY: (to Quinn) Hey, when you grow up with the master of wheel and deal, you pick up a few tricks. (Bt. turns to Helen) Shall we get ready?
(Pause. Then Helen gets a slightly amused, resigned expression.)
HELEN: (weary) Sure.
[split screen showing Amy as a baby, having to endure one of Helen's lectures, and Amy smirking at Helen after she's just given Eric the brush-off.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
I call this the "Damn Prosperity Block".......
You sense a nasty coercion theme, here? Ah, capitalism......
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?