This is a revised version of "The Tie That Chokes" [May 1999]. After finishing "That Thing You Say," I found that I liked the minimalist camera-angle approach much better, and decided to weed out most of the camera angles in my first two fanfics. Nothing else has been changed. I hope this makes for easier reading...
This episode takes place not too long after the first of my chronology, "Rose-Colored Lenses."
I've given it the 2S rating -- best enjoyed in two sittings. ("RCL" was a 1S)
If you don't mind, I've taken the liberty of borrowing the asterisk [*] from C.E. Forman or Peter Guerin, or whoever thought of it. Much easier than writing "see postscript" in brackets -- and much less clunky. Thanks!
[intro theme music...................]
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffers' SUV, driving home on a weekend afternoon)
(Pan over shot of the four Morgendorffers in the car. Helen, for once, is doing the driving. Jake sits in the front passenger seat, flipping through a car magazine. Daria and Quinn sit in the back.)
JAKE: (murmuring) Wow, look at these beauties! This show has everything! I gotta go!
HELEN: (worn-out, irritable) Jake, not again!
JAKE: (to himself) Brian said it was next weekend. Hmmm...
(Bt)
QUINN: I just don't get why Erin was crying the whole time. I thought you were s'posed to be happy at a housewarming party.
HELEN: (irritated) Well she certainly couldn't have been crying about the size of the house -- unless twenty-four hundred square feet is too small for her. (Bt) Leave it to Mother to get Rita's daughter the best condo money could buy!
JAKE: (to himself) I wish we had a three-car garage!
(Daria picks up on her dad's comment, cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: Maybe the garage was the reason why Erin was crying, or rather the fact that Brian spent so much time in there, waxing his damn Range Rover, that he barely even came out to say hello.
HELEN/JAKE/QUINN: Mmmmmmmm... ("that's true")
HELEN: Or maybe she just didn't like her housewarming gifts. (Bt) Who could blame her for getting upset over what Amy got for her?!
(Daria smirks.)
DARIA: An authentic African witch doctor's mask. Great idea.
HELEN: That Amy -- how like her to give the most twisted of all the gifts and then not even have the decency to come. (Pause. reflects. then:) Dammit, I'm not gonna let her get away with that! (Bt) She's family, too. (grumble) She should have to suffer like the rest of us....
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Amy's place)
(Shot of outside of apartment complex. cut to close-up Amy, taking off her glasses to clean them, looking pooped.)
AMY: I'm telling you, Joel --
(cut to wide shot. She's in the living room we know from "Through A Lens Darkly," lying on the opposite end of the couch from where she lay in that episode -- away from the phone. A guy stands behind the couch, propping his elbows upon it. He's mild-looking and scholarly, yet also has a subtle ruggedness that's attractive. sports wavy light brown hair and a beard.)
AMY: -- this was the last time I'll ever get near a jet ski.
JOEL: (encouraging) Aw, c'mon, you were doing fine. You just have to lean into the turns more -- (phone rings off screen)
AMY: Uh-oh. (Joel heads over to the phone) If that's Rita, remember: I've got a one-oh-four fever and haven't been out of bed all week.
(Joel reaches for the cordless phone.)
JOEL: Better practice sounding like you're at death's door.
(Amy tries a couple of practice hacks.)
AMY: (faux feeble) Hello??
JOEL: That's it. (Bt. talks into the receiver) Hello? Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm... okay, I'll get her. (Bt) Um, Amy, it's not Rita. I think it's your other sister.
AMY: (smirking) The velociraptor? Give it here.
(Joel hands Amy the phone. She takes it, sits up, and puts her fist over her mouth as if getting ready to cough. Then she decides, "nah," and puts it back down.)
AMY: (cheerful) Hey, Helen, how's it going???
(split screen, Amy on the left, Helen on the right)
HELEN: (sarcastic) Well you've certainly recovered in a hurry.
AMY: A day outdoors does wonders for the health. (Bt. wicked) Not that you would know, of course.
HELEN: Ha-ha, very funny. (Bt) Honestly, Amy, would it hurt you to just once make family a priority in your life???
AMY: Oh, come on now, Helen. I bought Erin's witch doctor's mask with the greatest of love.
HELEN: And made sure not to be there when she saw it and started screaming. (Bt) You know, a trip out to our neck of the woods wouldn't've killed you.
AMY: No, but a six-hour drive isn't exactly paradise, either. (Bt) And speaking of which -- after Hawaii, don't even mention the word airplane to me.
(Helen sighs.)
HELEN: Amy, do you realize you've never even seen our house in Lawndale? And we've lived here for over a year.
(Pause. Amy appears to be considering that fact.)
HELEN: (more pointedly) I'll bet your other nieces would be very happy to get a visit from their aunt.
(Pause. Amy appears to be considering some more.)
HELEN: Especially Daria. (Bt) You know she thinks highly of you, and for Daria, that's about as close to hero-worship as she comes.
(Pause. then: )
AMY: (thoughtful) Hmmm, you make some good points, Helen.
HELEN: Some good points, eh? So you agree with me?
AMY: Weeeeeell...
HELEN: (smirking. knows she's won. wheeling and dealing tone) Well that settles it. Why not schedule a weekend next month to come see us?
AMY: (sees her offer. decides to one-up her) Or how 'bout I just come over next weekend?
HELEN: (taken aback) Oh! I... well... do I have time...?
(Amy smirks, knowing she's trapped Helen in her self-righteousness. Helen sobers up, determined not to sound like a hypocrite.)
HELEN: All right, next weekend sounds fine.
AMY: Then next weekend it is.
HELEN: Fine.
AMY: Fine. (Bt) Well so long, Helen. I'll be seeing you soon, I guess.
HELEN: Yes, um, right. Goodbye. (hangs up the phone. cut to full screen of Helen. Pause. shakes her head with wonder) Did I just hear right? A sister of mine is coming out to see me willingly?
(cut to shot of Amy, sitting on her couch. Joel sits down next to her.)
AMY: (stunned) I'm going to visit my sister.
JOEL: Need any moral support -- someone to drive the getaway car after you've run from their house waving a bloody kitchen knife?
(Amy chuckles at his twisted sense of humor -- that's why she's dating him. She pats his hand.)
AMY: (grateful) Thanks, but this could be too intense, even for you. I'd better go solo.
(Joel suddenly looks serious.)
JOEL: Then could you do me a favor?
AMY: What?
JOEL: This time, could you at least tell your family about us?
(Amy gives him a look we can't decipher.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (outside the Morgendorffer house, early Friday evening, "next weekend")
(Shot of the street. A couple of cars whiz by. pan over to Daria and Jane, sitting on the curb in front of the Morgendorffer house, waiting.)
DARIA: (to Jane) Got the time?
JANE: Is your watch broken? (lifts Daria's sleeve, revealing a watch)
DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) Two years ago.
JANE: Dare I ask why you continue to wear it, then?
DARIA: To look at when a dumb jock starts making conversation with me, of course.
JANE: Oh, yeah. Makes perfect sense.
DARIA: I thought so.
(Jane lifts her sleeve -- she's wearing an armband watch. checks the time.)
JANE: It's almost five-thirty, by the way. (Bt) So when's the famous aunt supposed to arrive, again?
(off screen, sound of front door slamming shut.)
DARIA: Shouldn't be too long, now. My mom said she left her place around noon.
(Quinn walks on screen, stands behind them.)
QUINN: Is she here yet?
(Daria and Jane look at her.)
DARIA: Do you see a car?
QUINN: Ha-ha, very funny. What I meant was -- (sound of honking off screen. Daria and Jane turn. Quinn's face brightens) there she is!
(cut to frontal shot of Amy's convertible approaching, from Daria and Jane's eye level. cut to frontal shot of Daria, Jane, and Quinn. Daria and Jane stand up, back away from the curb. Amy pulls up from off screen right. cut to shot of her from their POV)
AMY: Well if it isn't my two favorite nieces.
(cut to close-up Daria, Jane, and Quinn)
DARIA & QUINN: Hi, Aunt Amy!
(They start to walk over to the driver's side of the car. cut to frontal shot of the car -- Amy getting out, Daria and Quinn coming toward her. pan over so they're all standing on screen.)
DARIA: How was the drive?
(Amy reaches over and hugs her.)
AMY: Let's just say hell's too kind a word to describe it. (Bt. draws back) But seeing you guys makes it worthwhile. (reaches toward Quinn to give her a hug) So how are you, Quinn?
(Quinn pulls away playfully.)
QUINN: (chipper) Careful -- hair, makeup!
AMY: Uh, right. (gives Quinn a small squeeze around the waist) Nice to see you.
(cut to shot of Jane, standing on the sidewalk)
AMY: (off screen) You, however, I don't think I've met before. (walks on screen, stands next to Jane, smirking) Jake and Helen haven't been hiding a third kid, have they?
JANE: (also smirking) Yeah, I'm the one they're ashamed to tell their friends about. You know, because I start fires and do all other kinds of crazy teenage things.
(Daria and Quinn come up and stand behind Amy and Jane. Amy glances back at Daria. Daria smirks and nods.)
AMY: (to Jane. brow raised) Partner in crime?
(Jane raises her right hand.)
JANE: The one and only. (Bt) Although most prefer to call me by my given name. (Bt. reaches hand out) Jane Lane.
(Amy shakes her hand.)
AMY: Amy Barksdale. Nice to meet you.
JANE: Same.
DARIA: (slightly exasperated) I told her that I'd bring you by her place after you'd settled in, but she said she had to see you right away.
JANE: I've been dying to meet the one member of Daria's family who doesn't seem ready to keel over from hypertension.
(cut to inside shot of the Morgendorffers' house. close-up shot of Helen's face)
HELEN: Jake! She's here!!!
(cut to wider shot. Jake's in the kitchen, in the foreground, stirring stew in a pot. Helen paces around in the background.)
JAKE: Oh really -- (tastes stew) Eeeeeeeeyow!!!
HELEN: (irritated) Jake, turn off that damn stove and come out with me to greet her.
(Jake tries to fan his tongue.)
JAKE: But, Helen, I'm a little busy with this stew here.
HELEN: Dammit Jake, are we a team or aren't we?!
JAKE: Well yeah, but geez, honey, I don't see what you're so worried about. I mean, she's just your sister.
HELEN: Right. Which is exactly the reason why I need you to back me up! I'll be damned if I'm gonna go out there and talk with her alone!
JAKE: But the girls'll --
(Helen's eyes narrow.)
HELEN: (warning growl) Mmmmmrrrrrr...
(Jake pulls at his collar, hemming and hawing with indecision.)
JAKE: Aww... well... Ieeeee. (Bt) Aw, well. (turns down heat on the burner and puts a lid over the stew pot)
(cut to shot of Amy with Daria, Quinn and Jane, taken from the angle where we see the street. They've been talking about families -- Jane's comparing her family situation to Amy's. Daria's rolling her eyes as if to say, "Enough, already, Jane." Quinn stands there, serenely oblivious. Amy's smirking, amused.)
JANE: You think youngest of three's bad? Try youngest of five. (points to herself)
AMY: Ooh, you got me there.
(from off screen: )
HELEN: Amy!
JAKE: Hi, Amy!
(Amy turns, faces frontal. smiles.)
AMY: Jake! Helen!
(Helen and Jake walk up the path to meet her.)
HELEN: Well you're looking good.
(She and Amy embrace. Amy gives her a peck on the cheek, Helen does the blow kiss. They draw back.)
AMY: Thanks, so do you. (Bt. smirks) I see the vein on your forehead isn't throbbing as hard as it used to. You must've taken my advice about going on that walk last month. It's really made a difference.
(Daria, Quinn, and Jane snicker. Jake also can't keep from snickering. Helen looks at them, especially at Jake. Laughs very sarcastically.)
HELEN: Oh, Amy, always the kidder. (Bt) Jake. (Jake stops laughing immediately.) Why don't you help Amy with her bags? (says it like she's giving an order)
(Jake bows his head, turns meekly toward the car, and walks over to it. Everyone else watches him.)
AMY: Well it's nice to see that some family traditions never die.
(Daria snickers again, getting the jab. Helen notices, and frowns warily. Meanwhile, Jake's looking in Amy's back seat.)
JAKE: (to himself) One bag shouldn't be too -- (tries to lift it) Gah! Agh!! Geez, Amy, what've you got in here?!!
AMY: Just a few art books.
JANE: You do art?
AMY: I appraise it for its worth.
JANE: Ugh. (mock shudder) And I thought you were cool.
(Amy smirks at her. Jake scratches his head, looking at the bag.)
JAKE: (to himself. muttering) A man could break his back...!
(Helen turns to Amy and gives her a knowing look.)
HELEN: So, Amy, are art books all you brought?
(Pause. Amy gets an amused "okay, okay" expression.)
AMY: Well, that and some old photo albums that were lying around my room.
(Helen smiles and nods an "I thought so.")
QUINN: Cool! Does that mean we get to see you and Mom and Aunt Rita in your geeky younger years?
DARIA: I hope so. Humiliation's the best part of these family get-togethers.
(Helen looks at them, amused and exasperated.)
HELEN: Very funny, you two. (Bt. turns to Amy) Amy, why don't we look at them later, after dinner, when we've all had a chance to catch up on each other's lives?
AMY: Sounds good.
HELEN: Jake -- the bag.
JAKE: Aw Jesus, honey!
(Jane looks at her armband watch.)
JANE: Well that's my cue. (Bt) Much as I'd like to stay and be a part of your warm family moments, I gotta head home. My brother needs someone to wake him up. (starts to leave)
AMY: Nice meeting you, Jane.
DARIA: See ya.
HELEN/JAKE/QUINN: Bye!
(cut to wider shot, Jane in the foreground, walking away)
JANE: Yeah, bye. (stops. frowns. sniffs) Oh, and by the way, do you guys smell something burning?
(cut to close-up Jake. He grabs his head.)
JAKE: Oh dear God, the stew!!!!!!!!!!
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, later that evening)
(Outside shot of the house -- all of the windows are open. cut to shot of Amy standing in the doorway to Daria's room, looking around. Daria stands beside her. cut to Amy's POV, pan across Daria's room. cut to shot of Daria and Amy.)
DARIA: So, what d' you think?
(Amy smirks at her.)
AMY: It's you.
DARIA: (also smirking) Somehow, I knew you'd say that.
(cut to shot of the stairs. Amy and Daria approach them, climb down.)
AMY: Wish I had a room like that when I was your age. (Bt) Those padded walls would've really muffled my victims' screams.
(zoom out to show the other Morgendorffers sitting on the couches, surrounded by boxes of Chinese food. Helen and Jake sit on the center couch, eating. Quinn sits on the right hand couch, leaning over and looking through an art book on the coffee table.)
HELEN: (holding a box, digging around in it with her chopsticks) Boy, am I glad Good Time could deliver on such short notice.
(Daria and Amy walk toward her.)
DARIA: (to Helen) I'm glad they didn't press charges for forced inhalation of toxic chemicals.
(Helen assumes a sarcastic "ha-ha, you're funny" expression. Meanwhile, Quinn looks up from the art book she's been poring through. We can see that the title of the book is Famous Art Rip-offs.)
QUINN: Hey, Aunt Amy -- were all of these pretty pictures painted by crooks and losers?
(Amy comes over and sits down next to her. Daria sits on her left.)
AMY: Yep. (leans over, starts pointing out different photos) You see here how the brush strokes on "Starry Night" are just a little too straight? (Bt) Or how the Mona Lisa looks like she has pink eye and a cold sore?
(Quinn shudders.)
QUINN: Ewww. Gross.
(Daria turns to Amy.)
DARIA: (admiring tone) Wow, so your job is to tell the real art from the pathetic artificial wannabes.
(Amy leans toward her.)
AMY: (picking up on the double-meaning) Yeah, you could say it's one I've been training for my entire life.
(She and Daria share a smirk. Pause. Meanwhile, Helen's been watching them, wearing a slightly bewildered expression. She twists it into a smile, bursts out: )
HELEN: Well Amy, we've heard about your profession, but what about your private life?? (crooning) Seeing anyone special?
(Amy. sits up straighter. smirk fades.)
AMY: (uncharacteristically flustered) Oh... well... I date here and there.
(Helen smirks a "I wonder what's up?")
HELEN: Oh? What about that man I spoke to on the phone last week??
(Amy looks embarrassed and a bit remorseful.)
AMY: Him? He's -- just -- a... friend.
(awkward Pause. Daria's still smirking, unaware of Amy's predicament.)
DARIA: Friend, eh? (Bt) Like that guy Steve who used your apartment as a cross-dressers' karaoke bar that night you were out of town?
(Quinn looks up from the art book.)
QUINN: Huh????? (turns around, looks at Amy)
(Amy smiles gratefully at Daria.)
AMY: I'll tell her the story. (Bt. to Quinn) See, Steve was this body-builder I knew from the --
(cut to close-up Helen. listens, wears a tense expression. doesn't particularly like Daria's intimate tone.)
AMY: (off screen) -- fitness club across the street from where I work. He used to --
(pan right to Jake. Amy's voice fades into the background as he speaks)
JAKE: (hushed voice) Did she sound convincing to you???
(pan to Helen)
HELEN: (irritated hushed voice) Convincing about what?! (She's still bothered about Daria.)
(pan to Jake)
JAKE: About dating men!
(cut to close-up Helen. she sighs)
HELEN: (weary, irritated) With Amy, you never know what to believe.
(cut to wide shot. Amy, Daria, and Quinn are in the foreground. Helen and Jake are in the background, watching)
AMY: (to Quinn) ... And so I come home and find him rolling around in a pink taffeta gown, singing along to some Judy Garland records he'd brought over the day before --
(cut to close-up Helen and Jake. Amy's voice fades into the background again.)
JAKE: (hushed voice) Maybe she's a lesbian!
(Helen turns to him. waves her chopsticks in the air. exasperated)
HELEN: Jake, Amy is not a lesbian!
JAKE: But you just said you don't know! (Bt. concerned. philosophical) She shouldn't be afraid to tell us, her family! Why, in this modern age --
(cut to wide shot)
AMY: Jake. (shakes her head) I'm not a lesbian.
(Helen and Jake look at her. Jake's stunned.)
JAKE: Oh. (Pause) That's okay, too!!! (gives Amy a thumbs up)
(Helen groans. then: )
HELEN: Well, Amy, that was a very interesting story, and I'm curious to see how Daria came to know the details.
DARIA: (hears subtle disapproval in mom's tone) Oh, um, Amy and I keep in touch over e-mail.
AMY: Yeah, I encouraged it. (Bt) I knew that as often as we talk, you and Jake would go ballistic if it meant a large phone bill.
(Helen tries unsuccessfully to look nonchalant.)
HELEN: Oh, hmm-hmm, you talk often, do you? Hmm-hmm, how nice. (presses lips together in a smile that instead looks like a sneer)
(Amy nods.)
AMY: Yeah, right. (Bt. to Daria) Now let's turn the tables on you for a while. (Bt) Have you made any progress in your quest for that guy, Trent?
(cut to close-up Helen. eyes widen. "Daria's interested in Jane's brother?!!" cut to shot of Amy and Daria. Daria blushes, and speaks to Amy in that shy, sweet tone that we've only heard her speak to Trent with.)
DARIA: Well... not exactly. Um... I don't really know if I can talk about it now. (looks in Quinn's direction. pan to Quinn, smirking with interest)
(cut to close-up Helen. leans forward, listening)
AMY: (off screen) Oops, sorry, I didn't realize...
(cut to close-up Amy and Daria)
DARIA: That's okay. I suppose even -- (sound of loud cracking off screen. Amy and Daria turn and look in Helen's direction)
(cut to close-up Helen. She holds up a broken pair of chopsticks, bewildered. She'd been so focused on Daria, she'd forgotten she was holding them.)
HELEN: (uneasy laugh) Oh-ho-ho-ho... would you look at that!
(cut to close-up Amy and Daria. They look at each other.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, nighttime)
(Shot of Amy sitting in the guest room downstairs. She's in the foreground, lounging in a desk chair, hovering over the cordless phone almost as though she's afraid to be caught with it. Her boyfriend's on the other end.)
AMY: ... Not yet they haven't. (Bt) And they haven't strapped me to the bed and beaten me with bamboo rods, either. It's been pretty quiet. (Pause. smiles) Yeah, I miss you, too. But you can -- (sound of knocking off screen)
QUINN: (off screen) Aunt Amy?
(Amy shields the phone and looks toward the closed door.)
AMY: (to Quinn) I'll be out in a sec. (to Joel) I'm sorry, hon, I have to go. Family duties await. (Pause. slightly defensive tone) Of course I have. (Pause) Anyway, I'll see you in two days. (Pause) I love you, too. Bye. (hangs up)
(starts to get up. cut to outside shot of the door. Quinn's standing beside it, holding a photo album. The door opens, Amy comes out.)
AMY: Hi, Quinn -- sorry to be so long. I was just straightening up.
QUINN: That's okay. (Bt. holds up album) But could you tell me what's up with this photo album? (Bt) Most of these pictures are just of some guys standing around, and they're not even cute guys. (shudders a little)
AMY: Hmm, let me see. (takes the album, flips through a few pages, pauses, then bursts out laughing)
(cut to wide shot of the kitchen, where Jake, Helen, and Daria are sitting, also looking through photo albums. Helen and Daria sit in the foreground -- Helen in her usual spot, Daria in Jake's. Jake sits in the background, on a stool, looking through an album on the counter.)
JAKE: (to himself) Rita's old MG! I wonder if they'll have any of those tomorrow....
(Meanwhile, Helen turns her attention to Daria, a "concerned parent" look on her face.)
HELEN: So, Daria, I didn't know you --
DARIA: (in her usual supremely deadpan tone) The subject is closed.
HELEN: But I haven't even --
DARIA: I know what you're gonna say, and I don't care to discuss him.
HELEN: All right, fine. (says it with more than just the usual exasperation. there's some bitterness, too)
(Helen and Daria sit silently and flip through the albums. Pause. Then Amy and Quinn walk into the room from off screen.)
AMY: (to Quinn) ...They were taken before I was born, when our dad was serving in the army. (sits in Quinn's usual spot. Quinn sits in Daria's) By the time I arrived, we'd already settled into our house in Rutherford. (Bt) Dad wanted a stable environment for raising his son.
QUINN: But I thought you didn't have any -- (Amy raises an eyebrow. Quinn gets it.) Oh.
(Helen lays a hand on Amy's shoulder.)
HELEN: (crooning maternal tone) Now, sweetie, Dad loved you every bit as much as he did me and Rita.
AMY: (sighs) Well, he got used to me at any rate. (Bt. slides the photo album Quinn showed her in front of Helen) Hey, Helen. (points to the photo she'd been laughing at earlier)
HELEN: What is it, swe-- (sees the photo) Oh, for the love of God!! Damn that Rita!!!
(Jake looks up. Daria and Quinn get out of their seats and hover around the photo album.)
DARIA: (smirking) Humiliated by a younger sibling. (Bt) At a swimsuit competition.
AMY: (also smirking) A fate worse than death.
QUINN: So what else is new?
(Helen covers the photo with her hands.)
HELEN: Hmph -- well enough of that. (Bt. turns to Amy) Which reminds me, Amy: I was thinking how nice it would be to go out with my more-favorite sister. (Bt) Say tomorrow night? (Bt. crooning) An evening alone would give us the chance to bond a little.
AMY: Hmm, bonding? (Pause. weighs the option. then, nonchalant:) I could go for that.
HELEN: Great!
(Pause)
AMY: Great.
(cut to Helen's POV. Daria stands in the foreground, still hovering over the album and smirking. Amy's in the background. cut to close-up Helen)
HELEN: (to herself. muttering) Great.
[Amy is reaching over to hug Quinn. Quinn pulls away playfully.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
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