SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, later that morning)
(Shot of Daria and Jane at their lockers. Daria's slumped against hers, telling Jane what happened earlier. Jane's fiddling around in her locker.)
DARIA: ...I just don't get it -- after that didn't work, I offered to say it to her in Portuguese and Swahili.
JANE: How 'bout English? What would've been wrong with that? (shuts locker)
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: Do you tell your mother you love her?
(Jane shrugs.)
JANE: Nope. (Bt) Although maybe I would if she'd stay in town long enough.
(Daria can barely force a chuckle. She looks down. Jane watches her with some concern. Daria looks at her, her face about as upset as she could get without bursting into tears and crying.)
DARIA: (quiet) She told me I was cold, Jane.
JANE: Aw, Daria, I'm sure she didn't mean it. I'll bet she was just in a really bad mood before you came in, and she took it out on you, that's all.
DARIA: Maybe... (doesn't believe that, but is groping for anything that'll make her feel better. doesn't work. sighs) Or maybe she's right.
JANE: Daria, don't do this to yourself.
DARIA: (exasperated tone, angry at herself) Well why not?? God, Jane, if I can't even say the damn words --!
(She's been staring morosely off screen as she's said this. She now sees something and frowns. We hear Quinn's muffled chatter off screen. Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: (peevish) Of course, saying them doesn't always mean you feel them. Sometimes people just say the words to see what they can get out of it.
(Quinn and the Fashion Club walk in front of, past Daria and Jane. pan the shot to follow as they walk. Quinn's holding out the platinum credit card for all to see. She and the other F.C.'s gaze at it greedily.)
QUINN: (chipper) And so it, like, turns out that if you say "I love you" to them they get all gushy and fall all over themselves to give you things!
F.C: Oooooh...
SANDI: (can't conceal her admiration) Great discovery, Quinn.
STACY: I'll have to try it on my parents.
QUINN: (instructional) But not too much -- otherwise they'll get used to it and the trick won't work anymore.
F.C: Okay...
(Tiffany glances behind her and looks at Quinn.)
TIFFANY: Quinn, how come your cousin, or whatever, is still at this school? (Bt) I thought her mom was supposed to take her away.
QUINN: (nonchalant) Oh, well, she would have, but the police tracked her down 'cause it turned out she, like, broke parole. Now she's in solitary. (She's still ticked-off at Amy for telling Helen that she's been pretending Daria's her cousin.)
(Sandi tosses her hair and smirks.)
SANDI: (haughty) Good. There was just something I didn't like about her. (She's still ticked-off at Amy for mocking her at the Pizza King.)
STACY: So what're you gonna do with the card, Quinn?
QUINN: ("duh" tone) Use it, naturally. Cashman's has a new line of ribbed tops and my wardrobe could stand an updating from last week.
(Sandi stops abruptly, causing the other F.C.'s to do so as well.)
SANDI: Cashman's?? (voice takes on authoritative mentor-mentee tone) Quinn, platinum credit cards do not happen every day. You need to figure out how to take advantage of the situation.
QUINN: (thoughtful) Hmm... you're right. (Bt) What d' you suggest I do, Sandi?
SANDI: (obviously waiting for this moment) I say this calls for a trip (dramatic pause) to the Mall of the Millennium.
F.C: Oh! Cool!!!
QUINN: But would we have time? It's an awful long way, and if we left after school --
(Sandi puts up a hand. Quinn stops.)
SANDI: Why wait 'til after school? We could just leave right now -- (pause. goading) unless you plan to go all nerd on us, Quinn, and not want to cut class like last time. [*] she's referring to Quinn's hesitation in "Rose-Colored Lenses"
(Quinn chuckles nervously -- she is hesitant. Finally she sighs in an amused "okay, okay" manner.)
QUINN: I wouldn't do that, Sandi -- no way. (Bt) Platinum does require a holiday from school... (eyes the credit card, smirks mischievously)
SANDI: With your friends.
(They all eye the card greedily.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Helen's office)
(Close-up shot of Helen rapping a pen against her desk. cut to wider shot. Helen sits in her chair, wearing a pensive, distracted expression. Her eyes trail over to the phone. Pause. cut to close-up shot of the phone. resume wide shot. Helen stops rapping the pen, makes a sudden movement toward the phone like she's going to pick it up. Then, just as suddenly, she stops. She sinks back in her chair, her face taking on a depressed expression. cut to a wider shot of the office. Marianne sits in the foreground, typing away, while Helen's in the background.)
HELEN: (her usual crooning tone) Marianne? Could I speak to you for a minute, please?
(Marianne stops typing. Her face takes on a wary expression -- "What does she want, now???" She turns around and looks at Helen.)
MARIANNE: Um, sure, Helen. (scoots chair up to the other side of the desk, across from her) What do you... need?
(Helen assumes a serious demeanor.)
HELEN: Dear, let's talk one-on-one for a moment, shall we? Like old friends?
MARIANNE: (nodding) Um... all right. (expression flickers across her face -- "Who's she trying to kid???")
HELEN: Now, you're a mother, right?
MARIANNE: (nodding) Um, yes. (Bt) I've told you... many times...
HELEN: (not picking up on the bitter undertone) And you have a daughter?
MARIANNE: (nodding) Yes.
HELEN: Do you and she get along? Does she say "I love you" and act glad to see you?? Does she tell you her problems without you having to drag them out of her???
(Marianne blinks a few times, startled by all the questions. starts to answer: )
MARIANNE: Um, I g--
HELEN: (rushing on) Because sometimes I just don't know what to do with Daria. It's like she and I are in two separate universes, and hers has a great big black hole in the middle that's sucking all the life out of it.
MARIANNE: Gee, it sounds --
HELEN: (rushing on) I mean who'd've thought that a child of mine could be so cold and heartless and conceited --
(Marianne regards her with a deadpan expression, as if to say, "A child of yours?? What a surprise.")
HELEN: (rushing on) And to think of all I've done for her -- all the meetings I had to postpone so I could attend one of her little recitals, all the evenings I've tried to plan --
(Marianne closes her eyes and shakes her head. Helen doesn't notice -- she's off in her own world.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Lawndale High cafeteria, around noon)
(Shot of Jane and Daria walking to their usual table, carrying their usual lunch. Daria's still slumped over and looking depressed.)
JANE: (trying to lighten her mood) C'mon, I would've thought that at least Mr. DeMartino telling Kevin a fatal virus was chewing up his brain would've cheered you up.
DARIA: Maybe -- if yesterday he hadn't told him that if you lit a torch in his mouth, you'd see smoke coming out of his ears. The novelty wears off pretty fast.
(They sit down. Jane lays down her backpack on the seat and opens it.)
JANE: Well then here, maybe this'll do the trick. (takes out a sheet of paper) Trent's having me design a cover for Mystik Spiral's first album.
DARIA: (surprised) So they've come up with a few more decent songs than "Ice Box Woman"?
JANE: No, but..... (shrugs. then holds up the drawing in such a way that we can't see what it looks like) How does this strike you?
(Daria looks at it and frowns.)
DARIA: What is it??
(Jane sighs, as if the answer's obvious.)
JANE: It's a mystic spiral!
DARIA: (deadpan) Ooh. (Pause) Well, I gotta hand it to you, Jane: you've managed to capture perfectly something I didn't even know existed.
JANE: I knew you'd go for it. (Daria regards her with an impassive expression. Jane rolls her eyes. grumble) Aw, hell. (crumples up the paper)
(Daria smirks a "nice try." Jane shrugs. from off screen: )
JODIE: Hey you guys!
(Daria and Jane look up at her.)
DARIA & JANE: Hey, Jodie.
(Jodie stands over their table.)
JODIE: Daria, I just wanted to tell you I thought your poetry reading in O'Neill's class was really... um, interesting.
(Daria shrugs impassively.)
DARIA: Yeah, well, it wasn't quite how I wanted. I had to tone it down from what it was originally.
JODIE: Oh. I see. (her expression: "That was toned down???" then notices Daria isn't her usual self) Hey, what's wrong?
(Daria sighs.)
JANE: (speaking before Daria can reply) Daria had a fight with her mom and now she's in the hotseat because she can't figure out how to tell her mom she loves her.
DARIA: (glaring, sarcastic) Gee thanks, Jane. You know I could've told Jodie this myself, (thought voice-over) if I'd felt like it was her business.
JANE: (philosophical) Hey, look, I'm not doing anything for you and you can't go on being depressed like this. Maybe Jodie can help.
(Jodie slides in next to Jane.)
JODIE: Sure. What d' you need?
(Daria pauses, debating whether to tell Jodie the details. finally gives in.)
DARIA: Who knows? -- maybe a blowtorch to thaw me out. (sees Jane roll her eyes in an "oh come on" manner. looks at Jodie. continues, resigned) Or some advice. (Bt) How do you tell your mom... you know...?
(Jodie pauses to think.)
JODIE: Hmm, I'm not really sure. I just sort of... say it.
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: Oh really? (Bt) And I suppose you say it often?
(Jodie shrugs.)
JODIE: Well yeah, I guess.
(Daria's expression: "Gee, what a surprise.")
JODIE: Why? You don't?
(Daria shakes her head, looking gloomy. Jodie glances at Jane with an "I see what you mean" expression.)
JODIE: (reassuring) Well, hey, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Different families show their love in different ways.
JANE: And not saying "I love you" doesn't make you the ice queen.
(Daria looks a little less gloomy after these remarks, but still frustrated.)
DARIA: Yeah, well maybe I'd believe that more if my mom didn't have me feeling like I owe it to her to put on a big display.
JANE: Hmm, yeah Helen's got some interesting ideas about parent-child bonding. I'll agree that she can be pretty tough to please. (Bt. to Jodie) Hey, have you met Daria's mom?
(Jodie rolls her eyes in an amused manner.)
JODIE: Oh yeah. (Bt) My mom calls her "the raving lunatic." (momentarily forgot Daria, now looks at her, still amused and apologetic) Oops, sorry -- I shouldn't've said that.
(Pause. Daria wears an impassive expression.)
DARIA: No. (Bt) She's right.
JANE & JODIE: (stunned) Huh???
DARIA: You're both right. I mean, let's face it -- my mom's not exactly an easy person to love. (Bt) Hell, maybe I'd've told her what she wanted a long time ago if she'd've put down her cell phone long enough to listen.
JODIE: (sympathetic murmur) Hmmm...
DARIA: (continuing) Or if her idea of bonding wasn't to take ten minutes between meetings to drive us to the dentist.
JANE: (troubled by Daria's vehemence. pacifying) Aw come on now, Daria, your mom's done some pretty cool stuff for you.
DARIA: (not placated) Yeah, maybe sometimes -- but more often it's all about what I can do for her, how I should be what she wants me to be. And I am sick of it.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Helen's office)
(Close-up shot of Marianne's face. She looks as though she'd really like to be someplace else right now.)
HELEN: (off screen) ... And would you believe I spent thirty-six hours in labor with her -- thirty-six hours!!
(cut to wide shot. Helen's ranting away -- has been nonstop since that morning.)
HELEN: And when she wouldn't come out, they had to go in after her!! So you see, even then, she was -- oh-oh! (remembers something) Did I mention that she never once gave me a birthday gift I could use?!
MARIANNE: (weary) Yes, you did. (Bt) Twice.
HELEN: (surprised) Oh. (pauses to consider) Well... then I guess I can't think of anything else to tell you. (glances at the clock) Oh my! Look at the time. (raises an eyebrow at Marianne) Hadn't you better be getting back to work, dear? (says it like it was Marianne's idea to have this conversation)
(Marianne nods wearily.)
MARIANNE: Yes, of course. (quickly leaves for her desk)
HELEN: All right, then.
(She sighs, prepares to get down to business, then glances over at the phone. She gazes at it for a few seconds, then looks toward Marianne.)
HELEN: (friendly crooning) Say, Marianne, do you have any sisters...?
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Mall of the Millennium, later that afternoon)
(Shot of the Fashion Club walking through the mall. Quinn's dragging behind, pulling a cart which contains a mountain of clothing bags.)
STACY: What time is it?
QUINN: (a bit flat) Getting late...
STACY: I sure hope the limo driver's not mad at us for making him wait so long.
QUINN: (can't hide her sarcasm) Why should he be? (mutters) He's getting paid by the hour.
SANDI: Quinn, have we told you what a great friend you are for agreeing to pay for the limo ride?
STACY & TIFFANY: Yeah! You're the best, Quinn!
QUINN: (peevish) Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know. (obviously this isn't the first time they've said that. Bt) But, um, shouldn't we be heading back to the limo, now?
SANDI: In a minute. (wicked smirk) There's just something I need to buy.....
(fade-out. fade-in to the counter of a clothing store. Sandi and Quinn stand beside it -- Sandi with a huge stack of clothes. cut to shot of the clerk. She holds Sandi's gold card and shakes her head.)
CLERK: I'm sorry. It's maxed out.
SANDI: (faux surprise) Bummer. (turns to Quinn) And I was so looking forward to wearing Gustape's new spring line. If only.... (looks suggestively at Quinn's purse)
(Quinn rolls her eyes. Being no dummy [even if she acts like one], Quinn strongly suspects that her friends have been taking the advice she gave earlier to heart. But because she's made a big deal about having the platinum, she can't afford to act stingy. She sighs, pulls out the credit card, and hands it to the clerk.)
QUINN: (resigned) Here, take this. (clerk takes it)
(Sandi eyes Quinn with wicked satisfaction.)
(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Sandi and Quinn leaving the store. Stacy runs up to them, looks at Quinn.)
STACY: (thrilled) Quinn! I just saw a banner that said on Level 8 Plaid, there's a special on smiley-faced T-shirts! Isn't that great?! We could be twins!!
QUINN: (can barely show any enthusiasm) Oh, um, yeah.
STACY: (penitent) Of course, the only problem's that I'm kind of maxed out. (looks down)
QUINN: (sarcastic) Of course. (Bt) Listen, um, why don't you go on ahead? (gestures at her cart) I'll catch up with you later.
STACY: Great! (Bt) You're such a good friend, Quinn.
QUINN: Yeah, yeah -- now shoo.
(Stacy nodded excitedly and dashes off. pan over to Tiffany, coming out of Goldsmith's Jewelers. She wears a mischievous smirk.)
TIFFANY: (calling out) Oh, Quinn!
(Quinn goes over to her. Sandi, too busy admiring her new purchases, stays behind.)
QUINN: Yeah?
TIFFANY: (lowers her voice) Quinn, have I ever told you that I think you'd make a really great president?
(Pause. Quinn looks at her, incredulous. Then her face takes on a calculating expression.)
QUINN: (faux nonchalance) Oh really, Tiffany? You think?
TIFFANY: (nodding) Mmm-hmm.
(Pause. Quinn gets a wicked smirk on her face.)
QUINN: Gee, that's really nice of you to say. (pretends to start new conversation) And you know, Tiffany, that reminds me: we're really good friends, aren't we?
(Tiffany smirks)
TIFFANY: Mmm-hmm.
QUINN: And good friends get each other things -- don't they?
(Tiffany smirks harder.)
TIFFANY: Mmm-hmm.
QUINN: Why don't I get something for you, and (gives Tiffany a suggestive look) maybe you can give something to me -- down the road, I mean. Sound fair?
(Tiffany nods.)
TIFFANY: Definitely. (Bt. glances back into the store, points) In fact, there's this necklace I saw that looked really cute, but.... (holds up her gold card, shakes her head)
(Quinn glances in the direction where Tiffany's pointing -- from her POV, everything's kind of blurry. cut to close-up of the display with the necklace Tiffany was referring to. A sign overhead reads "$500." resume shot of Quinn and Tiffany. Quinn can't read the sign, but too late -- she's already pulling out the platinum. Wears a cheerful, wicked expression.)
QUINN: Don't worry -- consider it my treat.
(She and Tiffany exchange conspiratorial smirks.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (going home, late afternoon)
(Music plays. shot of Daria walking down a residential street, still looking gloomy. She walks past chalk marks on the sidewalk that read "Happy B-Day Mom." Stops. Looks at them, frowns with guilt. Keeps walking. Soon after, she passes a flier on a telephone pole. It reads, "24 Hour Gift and Love Store: buy that special gift to let 'em know you care." Daria looks at it, frowns as if considering, then: )
DARIA: (disgust) What a load of crap. (frowns defiantly)
(cut to shot of Helen in her office, getting her things together, looking about ready to leave. She wears a pensive expression, moves slowly.)
(music ends. fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer house, evening)
(Shot of outside. cut to shot of the Morgendorffers at dinner. Jake and Quinn look cheerful, Helen and Daria don't. Every so often, they eye each other coldly, but are otherwise civil. Jake is in the process of wrapping up an enthusiastic monologue about his day at work.)
JAKE: ... And to top it off, he says to me, "Jake m' man, I love your style." He loves my style!!! Wow! I never thought I'd hear any of my clients mention that! (to family) Did you?!!
HELEN: (can't dredge up any enthusiasm) No, dear.
DARIA: Many things, but outfit coordination wasn't one of them.
(Helen eyes her with silent irritation. Daria gives her the same look. They're just waiting for the right moment to set each other off.)
JAKE: Well anyway, that does it for my day. How was yours? (looks at Quinn with a special "Daddy's little girl" smile) Especially yours, sweetie?
QUINN: (nonchalant) Oh it was fine. Just another average day. (continues eating)
(Pause. Daria looks at Quinn, frowns. brief close-up Quinn's face -- she's wearing silver studs in her ears.)
DARIA: (sarcastic) Nice earrings.
(Quinn continues to eat with an air of nonchalance. Helen looks at her earrings, also frowns.)
HELEN: (suspicious) Yes, they are nice. Very nice.
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Well, well, she's actually responding to something I've said.
HELEN: Quinn, where did you get those?
QUINN: Oh, I bought them.
JAKE: (enthused. cheerful) Yeah, I gave her my platinum for the day.
(Pause. Helen cocks a brow.)
HELEN: Did you? (an edge in her voice) And why, might I ask?
(Quinn says nothing, glances at Jake. Jake looks as though he senses no harm in what he did.)
JAKE: (sentimental) Helen, when a little girl tells ya she loves you, you just can't say no to her!
(Helen's brow is still cocked with irritation.)
HELEN: (sarcastic) You can't??
(Jake now tugs at his collar, looking a bit nervous. Meanwhile, Daria's smirking in spite of herself -- "whoops, Dad and Quinn are in the doghouse.")
JAKE: Well I --
(Quinn turns to Jake.)
QUINN: Oh, that reminds me, Daddy: when I give you back your platinum, you may not want to use it right away. Not 'til, you know, a few payments have been made.
(Jake forgets about Helen momentarily, stares at Quinn with disbelief.)
JAKE: (slowly) You mean to tell me... (explodes) you maxed out my platinum??!!!
(Quinn tries to keep things under control. holds up her hands in a "calm down" gesture.)
QUINN: Maxed out? (chuckles nervously) Dad, that's such a harsh word --
HELEN: (fuming) Funny, it seems appropriate for the situation, wouldn't you say??? (casts a look at Jake that says, "I knew you couldn't handle this sort of thing on your own." Jake slumps over, looking penitent.) Quinn, all the money you spent's coming out of your glasses fund and then some!
QUINN: Hgh. (Bt. protesting. peevish tone) But half the stuff I bought's not even mine!!
JAKE & HELEN: What??!
(Quinn cowers a little.)
QUINN: Nothing, nothing...
(angry Pause. Daria smirks at Quinn, cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: (to Quinn) If I were you, I'd practice saying "I love you" in front of the mirror a few more times.
(Helen forgets Quinn, turns to Daria, bristling.)
HELEN: (to Jake and Quinn) Oh well! Look who finally said the words!
DARIA: (frowning. defensive) Hey, I said it in an abstract context, completely detached from myself.
HELEN: (bristling) I guess that's the only way you can say it!
DARIA: (glaring at her) Shut up!
HELEN: Don't you tell me to shut up, young lady --!
DARIA: (at the same time) Hey, I'll tell you any damn time I want to --!
(Meanwhile, Jake and Quinn are exchanging bewildered looks. Then Quinn carefully takes off her earrings in order to divert attention from them. Unfortunately for her, Helen happens to glance in her direction for a split second and catch what she's doing.)
HELEN: (bristling) Quinn, don't you even try to weasel your way out of this one!
(Quinn slumps over, clutching the earrings.)
QUINN: (pleading) But Mooo-- (sees Helen's glare, remembers last night. tries desperately to limit it to one syllable) Mom, can't we work something out??
HELEN: No Quinn, not after what you did! (to Jake) And as for you, it serves you right. What were you thinking, rewarding Quinn with the platinum just for saying she loves you??!
DARIA: (to Helen. sarcastic) Oh, like that's so different from what you're doing.
(Helen turns to Daria.)
HELEN: And just what do you mean by that?!
DARIA: I mean -- Quinn gave something tangible to Dad, so Dad returned the favor. You're making me give something tangible to you, even though it goes against my nature, or else you'll --
HELEN: (exasperated) Now come on! You know you can't compare what I ask of you to what they did!
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: Oh can't I, now? (Bt) Funny, you seem to be as much into giving away gifts for good behavior as Dad.
(Helen appears to be geared-up to protest, but Daria rushes on before she can.)
DARIA: (continuing) What about paying Quinn to wear her glasses?? What about all the times you bribed us to do something for you??
(Helen is scowling, her teeth clenched, waiting for Daria to finish speaking.)
DARIA: (continuing) And all because you don't know any better way to get through to us. Talking takes too much time, so you'd rather just take the easy way out.
(Meanwhile, Jake and Quinn are cringing and glancing at each other uneasily.)
DARIA: (continuing) And for that, I'm supposed to fall all over myself and declare my love? Well forget it.
(shot of the four Morgendorffers sitting at the table, surrounded by a tense silence. Daria and Helen glare at each other like two wolves ready to attack. Finally Helen breaks the silence: )
HELEN: (quiet. cold) I don't have to listen to this.
(Daria backs out her chair, stands up.)
DARIA: Fine. (shoves the chair into the table hard) Then I'll just go to my room. I want to be the one to slam the door this time around. (she leaves)
(Helen watches her go with stony silence. long Pause. Quinn glances at her parents, sees that Jake is stunned and that Helen is focused on Daria. Slowly, very quietly, she backs out her chair. Slowly, very quietly, she stands up. Is about ready to slip away, when suddenly Jake and Helen jerk their heads in her direction.)
JAKE & HELEN: Sit down!!!!!
(Quinn cowers a little, then sinks into her chair. Pause. sound of door slamming off screen. Quinn slumps forward.)
[Quinn and the Fashion Club walk through the Mall of the Millennium.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?