SCENE 1 (continuation of the previous scene)
(Shot of the inside of the share box. Off screen, we hear heavy sounds of making out, and occasionally see elbows popping up. Finally Kevin and Brittany sit up, lean against a wall as they continue to make out.)
BRITTANY: (extracting herself just long enough to say: ) This share pillow is really great to lean on, Kevvy!
KEVIN: Cool, babe.
(They resume making out.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (morning, a day or two later)
(Cue music: "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray.)
(Shot of the sun rising. Shaky pan-over of the town, then the neighborhood. We see people mowing lawns, picking up newspapers, riding their bicycles. Zero in on the house. Cut to shot of Sandi staggering into the bathroom, looking bed-rumpled, obviously unaware that she's being filmed. Herky-jerky cut to shot of Tiffany. She's lying in bed, and the lump next to her reveals that she's not alone.)
(Cut to shaky shot of pancakes sizzling in a frying pan. Zoom out to reveal that the chef is Jodie. She's standing over a stove that looks as though it could double as the control panel of a spaceship. To her left is a gigantic refrigerator with magnets on it that are suspiciously shaped like the Microsoft logo. Behind her, in the middle of the kitchen, is a long, white-tiled counter. Daria is sitting there, eating cereal and looking rumpled and tired.)
JODIE: Where were you earlier?
DARIA: Unburdening my soul to the multitude.
JODIE: (amused) You mean you've finally embraced the concept of the share box?
DARIA: No, but it's one of the few rooms in this house where I can be by myself. Theoretically speaking.
JODIE: C' mon, Daria, the people here aren't so bad.
DARIA: They're not so good, either.
JODIE: All right, I won't argue with you about Sandi. Seeing her at student council meetings is bad enough. But the rest --
(She's interrupted by Kevin waltzing in. He opens up the fridge, takes out a carton of milk, then opens it and guzzles it down so that half of it pours onto his shirt. He then drops the carton on the ground and stomps it flat.)
KEVIN: Yeeeeeeeeeeah! I'm bad to the bone!! (to Daria and Jodie.) You'd better watch out for the Kev-man! This is me on niiiiiiiine -- you ain't seen me on... uh... (sees Jodie's cold expression.)
JODIE: (no-nonsense) Pick that up.
(Beat)
KEVIN: Hmmm, okay. (picks up the carton, leaves quickly.)
(Daria give Jodie a look that says, "I rest my case." Jodie sighs heavily.)
JODIE: (philosophical) Well hey, look on the bright side: you may see the less-attractive parts of people's personalities, but you also get to see their sweet side. (Bt. smiles) You know, you do this cute little snore when you're asleep.
DARIA: (reddening) Do not.
(Cut to a shot obviously taken sometime during the night, of Daria doing just that. Resume present shot.)
DARIA: But while we're on the subject, (smirks wickedly) I had no idea you were such a big Celine Dion fan.
(Jodie turns red. Cut to flashback shot of Jodie getting dressed that morning. She's bopping around and singing - you guessed it - the Titanic song. Resume present shot.)
JODIE: Well... we've all got our quirks, myself included. (Bt.) But seriously, didn't writing that article for Lowdown make you more interested in learning about people's insides?
(Daria gets a slightly subdued look, remembering some of the reactions she got during her last round of survey-taking. [See "Breaking the Mold."])
DARIA: To be honest, I think I got a little too close for comfort. Besides, how likely are we to see our housemates' innermost thoughts? We're on television.
(She glances over her shoulder -- pan over to show a camera that's practically in her face. Cut to shot taken from that camera's P.O.V. Daria's back is to us in the foreground, and we can see Jodie in the background.)
JODIE: So?
DARIA: So... has it escaped you that because we're being filmed, our housemates aren't acting quite natural?
JODIE: Besides a little posing for the camera, I don't see any change.
DARIA: But that posing for the camera makes all the difference. That's about all each cast on "The Real World" ever does...
(As she speaks, the camera slowly veers away from Daria and focuses on Kevin, who has been standing in the corner, holding the flattened milk carton over a garbage can. The garbage can is automatic: every time Kevin holds the milk carton close, grinders in the can start to whirl. Knowing that the camera's on him, Kevin now plays a game where he holds the carton close, then pulls it away last-minute. Once in a while, he looks directly at the camera and winks.)
DARIA: (off screen) ... All of their emotions are heightened. Each of their trivial, stupid conflicts gets blown into a crisis. Tears are shed. Cast members veer between giving pretentious speeches about the emptiness in their souls to stabbing each other in the back.
JODIE: (off screen) Wow. You sure know a lot about "The Real World."
DARIA: (embarrassed) Umm...
(Finally the garbage can snatches Kevin's milk carton and turns it into pulp.)
KEVIN: Aw, man!
(The cameraman, obviously disappointed that Kevin's show is over, steers the camera back toward Daria and Jodie.)
DARIA: My point is that in spite of his legal concerns, Skip wants us be like the people on that show. He wants us to exaggerate our behavior to outrageous levels, because what better way to market us to the cable network? We'd be "the peep show you don't want to miss" -- the perfect trap to ensnare gullible teen viewers. Who, in turn, would become gullible teen consumers of the products they advertise during commercial breaks.
JODIE: Hmmm, maybe so... but what makes you so sure we will act that way? Those people audition to be on the show. Skip picked us. Yeah, maybe he had a plan in mind when he did, but that doesn't mean we have to follow it.
DARIA: You may want to run that idea past our starstricken housemates.
JODIE: C' mon, you're always so cynical. Why not wait out the three weeks, and I bet you'll find that this experience was nothing like "The Real World."
(Just then, we see Sandi come in, with Jamie pursuing her. Sandi is still in her pajamas, but is now evidently groomed. Jamie's hair mussed up and his shirt is off, revealing pubescent pecs.)
JAMIE: Aw c' mon, Sandi! Don't tell me last night didn't mean anything!
(Sandi eyes him with some irritation and discomfort. Daria looks at Jodie with a "Could I be any more correct?" expression. Jodie pretends not to see. Just then, Kevin waltzes on screen and slaps Jamie on the back.)
KEVIN: Hey-heeeeeeey! Way to go, Jasmine, my bro!!
(Cue music: "Beautiful Stranger" by Madonna. Cut to frontal shot of Kevin in the share box. He spikes his football and does the chicken dance.)
KEVIN: Wha-hooo! Wha-hoooooooo!! Jasmine and Sandi! Way-to-gooooooo! I'm the Q.B.! Whoo-hoooo!
(Cut to flashback scene of earlier that morning -- Sandi and Jamie are lying in Sandi's bed. Sandi is propped up on one elbow, and seems to be looking at something off screen, while Jamie looks at her like a lovesick puppy.)
SANDI: I don't know... maybe it's this being young and trying to find my identity in, like, this fast-changing world, or whatever. But for some reason, I've been, like, totally turned on to you these past couple of days.
JAMIE: Me, too!
SANDI: So... d' you think I'd look good posing on the beach with, like, Ananda introducing MTV videos?
JAMIE: Ohhhh yeah.
(Cut to shot of Jamie in the share box.)
JAMIE: I've never met a girl like Sandi. She makes me feel even better than that girl I used to like. (pause) And I am not gay.
(Cut to the present shot of Sandi, Jamie, Daria, Jodie, and Kevin in the kitchen. Sandi gets a somewhat pitying look on her face.)
SANDI: Look Jerome, you're a nice guy and all, but what happened was, like, a one-night impulse thing, understand?
(Jamie seems to not get her meaning for a few seconds. Then it sinks in, and he nods slowly. Daria cocks an eyelid, while Jodie frowns at Sandi with deep irritation.)
DARIA: (deadpan) I'd say you came through loud and clear.
(Sandi picks up on the hidden meaning of her words and frowns at Daria.)
SANDI: Like, who asked you??
DARIA: Excuse me?
SANDI: You're, like, always being some big know-it-all about stuff, and it's, like, really annoying.
JODIE: (irritated) Annoying?? You're one to --
(Just then, Tiffany walks into the kitchen, pursued by Upchuck.)
UPCHUCK: Tiffany, my sweet, don't tell me last night didn't mean anything!
TIFFANY: Ewwwwwwwww.
(Everyone else in the room gets a stunned expression on their face.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (montage of scenes throughout the week)
(Cue music: "Prisoner" by 311)
(Herky-jerky pan-over shot of the outside of the house, at night)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Well after that little display, I was convinced that my assumptions had been confirmed...
(Cut to frontal close-up of her in the share box, wearing a deadpan expression.)
DARIA: But somehow, what Jodie said about the surveys taking me closer to people's insides, and that we weren't the cast of "The Real World" got me thinking. Maybe it was because I was starving for more interaction with my Partner in Crime. Or because the unnaturally bright lighting in this house was causing me to have a seizure...
(Cut to overhead shot of Daria in the shower with the water running. We see her face -- she seems lost in thought -- but the steam from the water conceals any... um... unmentionables.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Or maybe it was because I'm going soft. But somehow, a part of me did not recoil at the idea of getting to know my housemates as human beings. At long last, I decided that if I had to be stuck with them in this pathetic experience, I may as well see if they're capable of acting humane.
(Cut to shaky shot of Daria standing by the doorway of the Pepsi room, leaning against a wall, with her arms folded. A camera man crouches beside her, his camera aimed toward activity off screen. Every few seconds, he and Daria eye each other warily.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So I've decided to observe.
(Cut to shot of Sandi and Tiffany sitting on the couch, unaware of Daria's presence. Sandi is doing Tiffany's nails.)
SANDI: (sober) Now Tiffany, tell me exactly what happened to lead you to the bed of Charles Ruttheimer.
(Pause. Tiffany goes noticeably pale and looks as though she would rather not say anything.)
TIFFANY: Uhhhh... well...
SANDI: (patting her hand) Don't be shy, Tiffany. This is Sandi you're talking to, remember? Not some wacked-out loser weirdo.
(Pause. Tiffany still looks reluctant, but finally: )
TIFFANY: Um... you were, like, asleep... and there was an icky spider on my pillow...
SANDI: (cringing slightly) Ugh. (Bt.) Like, a really icky one?
TIFFANY: (also cringing) Yeah. (Bt.) And Upchuck... he... and I... and he... and um...
(Sandi raises her hands for her to stop talking.)
SANDI: Say no more... I understand everything now. He, like, got you with the old spider maneuver, didn't he?? (shakes her head, sympathetic.) I've seen it before, and have almost fallen victim to it myself once or twice. When you're weak with fear from seeing something gross, the guy takes advantage of you.
TIFFANY: (nodding gratefully) Yeah.
SANDI: (frowning a tad) Someone obviously didn't do a good enough teaching you how to watch out for that stuff. (Bt.) But don't worry: I will.
(Tiffany continues to nod, looking even more relieved... for her. Cut to shaky shot of Daria by the door. She's got a reflective look on her face, as though she's mulling over the sincerity of Sandi and Tiffany's exchange. Just then, Upchuck bursts through the door, wearing a typical Tigerman expression. He taps his fingers, rolls his tongue.)
UPCHUCK: So, Tiffany my sweet, have we gotten over our little inhibitions? ? Realized that the Chuckster is --
SANDI: (shielding Tiffany) You stay AWAY from her!!!
(Tiffany shrinks back against the couch, looking a bit faint.)
UPCHUCK: Oh come on, Tiffany, I wasn't that bad, was I?? Yooou certainly weren't lacking. Grrrrrrrrrrr...
SANDI: (horrified) You're not saying you and she did it --?
TIFFANY: EWWWWWW!!! Nooooooooo!
(Upchuck turns red at her reaction, realizing it was a mistake to exaggerate the events that took place the night before. Sandi turns a megabitch glare on him.)
SANDI: Like, why don't you make like David in "Real World: Los Angeles" and get lost?!
(Upchuck chuckles a bit, trying to come up with a response.)
(Cut to close-up shot of him in the share box.)
UPCHUCK: (exaggerated remorse) Rejected... no woman's ever rejected the Chuckster before. (Pause) Or at least none that I'd actually succeeded in talking into my bed before -- and believe me, she wasn't the first! No way, ohhhh no! (cringes) It, like, fills my poor tender body with unspeakable PAIN!
(He turns around, starts to undo his pants.)
UPCHUCK: I mean what woman could resist firm flesh like this??
(He lowers his pants. The screen suddenly goes black and the word "CENSORED" flashes across it.)
(Resume shot of Upchuck, Sandi, and Tiffany in the present. Upchuck has recovered and is tapping his fingers together with anticipation.)
UPCHUCK: Give it time, Tiffany my love. Yoooou'll come around -- if someone else doesn't get to me first! Grrrrrrrrrrr...
SANDI: In your dreams, jerk.
(Off screen, we hear a groan. Sandi, Tiffany, and Upchuck turn their heads. Cut to shaky shot of Daria, in time to see her roll her eyes with disgust and leave the room. Resume previous shot. Sandi frowns after her, as does Tiffany.)
UPCHUCK: Perhaps, my dear Sandi, she doesn't agree with you...
(Cue music: "Who Will Save Your Soul?" by Jewel)
(Cut to shot of Daria sitting in her room with Jodie. Jodie is at a large desk, on top of which we see a blanket of papers, books, and folders that seem to pertain to all kinds of school-related activities. She's working diligently, but with a frown, and she seems noticeably edgy. Daria, meanwhile, is sitting on her bed, the Collected Works of Jonathan Swift in hand. She appears to be reading, but is actually observing Jodie over the edge of her book. We see a large camera in one corner of the room, red light glowing away, and a microphone dangling overhead. Finally, after several seconds, Jodie slams down her pencil.)
JODIE: Where is that music coming from??!
(Daria looks a tad startled by her vehemence. Then she shrugs.)
DARIA: Beats me. It was here when we arrived.
JODIE: Well it's driving me crazy. (With that, the Jewel song comes to an abrupt halt.) How am I supposed to work on this stupid crap with it playing all the time??
(She groans loudly and picks up her pencil. Daria cocks an eyelid, startled by her vehemence. After several seconds pass:)
DARIA: I suppose I should tell you that I took your adv--
JODIE: Not now, Daria, all right?? (Bt.) The whole stupid school is depending upon me to have this done tomorrow!
(She gets back to work. Daria gets an "O-kaaay" expression on her face, looks as though she'd like to say something more. But finally, after several more seconds, she quietly slips off the bed and leaves the room.)
(Re-cue music: "Who Will Save Your Soul?")
(Cut to shot of Daria sitting at the kitchen counter, trying to read her book. Suddenly a bunch of strangers walk past her. They seem to be mostly male, some high school age, some older. Daria lays down her book.)
DARIA: Who're you??
(The people get guilty, anxious looks on their faces. They glance at each other, then at Daria, then at each other again. Finally one guy tries to explain.)
GUY: Uh... we're friends of--uh...
(Meanwhile the other people are turned toward the cameras and waving and smiling.)
DARIA: (deadpan) Say no more. Head down the hall to the Pepsi room. There, you'll find other gatecrashing teens pretending to be friends of the house members, but who are really hoping to snare a lucky break by having their faces appear on a T.V. screen.
GROUP: Cool!!
(They flock in the direction of the Pepsi room. Suddenly Daria sees someone she recognizes.)
DARIA: Jesse???
(He stops. Yes, it's that Jesse.)
JESSE: Um... I-uh... like, recording artist exposure stuff. Um... don't tell Trent. (he leaves quickly.)
(Daria watches him go, then rolls her eyes. A few seconds later, from off screen: )
KEVIN: (off screen) Hey, Daria! Check this out!
(Suddenly his football flies on screen and knocks Daria's book off the counter. She watches it fall to the floor with a stunned expression, then turns to glare at Kevin. Cut to shot of Kevin and Brittany on the other side of the room. Kevin pumps a fist.)
KEVIN: Yeeeeeeah! Bullseye, babe! How's that for your bad dude??
BRITTANY: That was neat-o, Kevvy! Gooooooooooo Kevin!
(She does a cartwheel across the floor and stops just short of one of the cameras. Cut to shaky shot of Daria. She presses her forehead to the counter. fade-out)
(Fade-in to shaky shot of Daria trudging down the hallway, near the Pepsi room. She's just about to walk past the door when Jamie comes out, wearing a glum expression. They both stop, look at each other. Suddenly we hear Sandi's laugh coming from inside, along with that of some of the gatecrashing males. Jamie gets an even more bleak expression. Daria frowns a tad, understanding the cause of his frustration, and looks as though she's going to speak. But then, Jamie turns and heads in the direction from which she came. Daria watches him go. Pause.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I've observed for a week, now, and I've yet to see anything approaching community in this house. Each time a new bond is formed, it gets ripped apart. Each day doles out new misery for one or more house members. We live in factions, never talking to anyone from a different faction. And then there's another problem...
(After watching Jamie go, Daria turns and walks in the opposite direction -- and almost runs right smack into a camera. Her eyes widen and she steps back, then shudders a little. Then she frowns.)
(Fade-in to shot of Daria, later that night, in the bathroom. She lays a washcloth over the lens of one camera, then climbs into the shower. Starts to take off her bathrobe, when she notices something on the nozzle. Cut to Daria's POV -- the nozzle has a tiny glowing red light. Cut to a shot taken from an overhead angle -- the same angle of Daria we saw earlier in Act Two. This time, she's staring at the camera lens with a glaring expression. We then see her reach off to the side, off screen, and grab something. She shakes her arm, then points a can of shaving cream at the camera. Squirts. We see a stream of white foam, and then the screen goes black.)
(Fade-in to shot of Daria under the covers, at night. Suddenly she lifts the covers and peeks out. She then frowns and sits up. Pan over to reveal a camera, practically in her face. Daria stares at the camera for several seconds, before reaching forward and flicking on the lens cap. No sooner does she do that then the cameraman removes it. Daria wilts, but continues her staredown with the camera -- she refuses to let it get the better of her. Cut to close-up of the camera lens -- a soulless, unyielding black circle with a glowing recording light. Cut to close-up of Daria. She groans and finally lets herself fall backward against her pillow. fade-out.)
(Music ends. fade-in to: )
SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, a few days later)
(Shot of the outside.)
SKIP: (off screen voice-over) This experiment is going fabulously!
(Cut to shot of him sitting with Ms. Li in her office.)
SKIP: I can see it all coming together -- tempers are starting to fray, ill-advised love affairs are starting to go awry! Pretty soon this house will be a tinderbox waiting for the right match!
MS. LI: Ooooooh excellent. SUQZ will by dyyyyying to buy this up!
SKIP: Dying?? They've already gone to heaven! Not only has this season been bought up, but next season, too! Not to mention our new experimental "Classroom On the Road." I've already got students auditioning!
MS. LI: Oooh-hooo! Oooh! That's more money in the bank than I could ever dreeeam of! You are a genius, Skip.
SKIP: (doing the "right back atcha" finger point) No, you're the genius for hiring me, Angela!
MS. LI: And you got the parents to bug off -- even the pushy, insistent, self-riiiiiiighteous, always wanting to have their own way ones!
SKIP: Hey, nothing like the promise of a little litigation work headed their way. (exaggerated wink.)
MS. LI: I knew my car got sideswiped by the right person.
SKIP: And with the profits on this baby covering the cost of repairs, I'm only going to ask for forty percent as my share.
(Ms. Li stops smirking. Her eyes narrow.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (auditorium, at that same time)
(Shot of the outside. We hear the chants of protesting students -- the same ones harassing Daria in Act One.)
STUDENTS: (chanting) What do we want?? For-you-to-take-your-degrading-portrayal-of-student-culture-and-your-invasive- means-of-revealing-our-lives-to-another-city! When do we want it?? NOW!
(Cut inside the auditorium. There are long, loooong lines of students waiting to audition. One line reveals Quinn, Stacy, and the remaining two Js. Quinn is frowning and talking on a cell phone, while the others twitch nervously and eye their competition.)
STACY: (watching one girl trudge by) Wow, she's pretty and she plays three different sports. And co-founded the suicide hotline!
JOEY: I guess they didn't think she was interesting enough.
STACY: (faint sounds of hyperventilating) Oh gosh... I hope I can make in on! I hear "Class Land 2" gets to run a clothing boutique and take a trip to Monaco!
JEFFY: And they've got a built-in movie deal.
JOEY/JEFFY/STACY: Ooooooh!
QUINN: (irritated) Guys, keep it down! (returns to her phone call.) What do you mean you watched "Fashion Fusion" with Sandi?? I thought we were s'posed to watch it together.
TIFFANY: (from the receiver) I forgot to call you.
QUINN: (not buying it) You forgot? Ohhh sure, you forgot. (Bt.) And I s'pose you also forgot to call and invite me over every other day these past two weeks?!
TIFFANY: Umm...
QUINN: (curt) Never mind. Why don't you just go off and play with Sandi in your freaking mansion since you obviously like her so much. (hangs up the phone.)
(Pause. We see that Stacy's been watching Quinn, a subdued expression on her face.)
STACY: (hesitant) Um, Quinn...
QUINN: (turning to her, tossing up her hands) I can't believe it, Stacy! I can't believe she'd betray us like that.
STACY: Quinn, don't you think that maybe you're rushing to judg--?
QUINN: (not paying attention. reflective) Maybe what she needs is for someone to drop by and remind her of her Fashion Club duties. (Bt.) Y' know I really should pay Tiffany a visit one of these days...
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (back at the house)
(Cue music: "Someday" by Sugar Ray)
(Herky-jerky pan-over of the outside. We see several people sitting around, including Daria and Jane on the edge of the roof. Cut to shaky shot of them. Daria's looking as weary as ever, while Jane looks sympathetic. Over Jane's head we see the words "Daria's Friend" in squiggly white writing, with an arrow pointing to her.)
JANE: So you never struck gold in your quest for realness, huh?
DARIA: (deadpan) Not even fool's gold. I'd say my suspicions have been handily confirmed. Thanks to the wonders of television, the people in my house are quarrelsome, reckless, back-biting posers who are about as real as a supermodel's breasts. If MTV saw us, they'd call our show "Real World: the Next Generation."
(Jane cringes, peers downward. Cut to shot of Sandi, Tiffany, and Upchuck seated by the outdoor pool. Sandi and Tiffany are sunbathing, and several gatecrashing males are helping out by adjusting their umbrellas or rubbing suntan lotion on them. Upchuck, meanwhile, is lying on his stomach, getting a massage from two girls [he's obviously gotten over Tiffany]. Off screen, we hear the sounds of tennis being played. Suddenly a tennis ball whizzes on screen and knocks the suntan lotion out of one of the guys' hands.)
KEVIN: (off screen) Yeeeeeeeah! I'm one bad dude!
SANDI: KEVIN!!! (sits up straight, glares off screen.) Would you cut it OUT?! Skip, like, said you're s'posed to be the good guy -- not the obnoxious loser who no one likes!!
(Beat)
KEVIN: (off screen) Ohhhhhh. Gotcha!
(Resume shot of Daria and Jane.)
JANE: Hmm... I think see what you mean.
DARIA: The constant exposure is even getting to me. I haven't been nearly as sarcastic as I usually am.
JANE: Yeah. You just missed the perfect opportunity to mock Kevin.
DARIA: (weary) I've been so inundated with his stupidity, it's not even worth it. What's more, I keep finding myself unable to relax -- to make mistakes, to scratch myself in places no one has a right to see -- out of fear that it will find its way on tape. It's eaten away at my natural responses and turned my into a nervous, bitter wreck.
JANE: (sardonic) And I guess if you tried to vent your hostility by sending everyone to a violent, bloody death, you'd risk getting caught on tape. (Bt. cocks a brow) Unless you did it from up here.
(Daria shakes her head and points upward. Cut to shot from their P.O.V. -- we see a helicopter hovering noiselessly overhead, a camera extending from it. That's where all of the herky-jerky pan-overs have been coming from. Resume previous shot. Jane looks up at it, bursts out laughing with amusement and embarrassment, and waves. Daria remains impassive.)
JANE: Whoops... I wondered where that breeze was coming from.
DARIA: (sarcastic) And I can tell you're really upset about it.
JANE: (shrugging) Well let's put it this way: while I'd never want the claustrophobic life of a starlet, I do sort of envy you guys in your opportunity to present all sides of yourselves -- even if no one takes it. Sometimes I feel like all anyone ever sees is happy-go-lucky Jane, without knowing the twisted, tormented soul that lurks within.
DARIA: Then maybe you would have coped better with this experience.
JANE: (shrugging again) Maybe. But at least you have Jodie as your isle of normalcy.
(Daria cocks an eyelid. Cut to flashback shot of Jodie and Daria in the kitchen that morning. Daria's reading at the counter, while Jodie's cooking. Suddenly Jodie flings down the spatula so hard, it nearly knocks her pan onto the ground.)
JODIE; Stupid kitchen. I can't work anything in here!
(Resume present shot of Daria and Jane.)
DARIA: Guess again. Let's just say that Jodie's feeling the strain of constant surveillance as well. (Bt.) But you know what really concerns me?
JANE: What?
(Bt.)
DARIA: (more subdued) What if this behavior isn't the result of people being watched? What if this is how they always behave when they're alone??
JANE: So that means what you've always believed when you heckled them at school is true. So what?
DARIA: (weary) Yeah -- so what?? (Pause) Only that I never really wanted to get close enough to see if it was true. I was happy with my ignorance, because it kept me from plunging into despair. But now...
JANE: (sympathetic) Hey... a three-week experience under the strangest of circumstances can't teach you that much about the other members of your species.
DARIA: Maybe not. But what I can safely say is that I'm stuck with a deepening mystery -- of where the posers leave off and the real personalities begin. (groans) And it's getting to me. (Bt. glances downward.) And no one's done a more expert job at obscuring reality than Sandi.
(Cut to shot of Sandi, Tiffany, and Upchuck as before. We see Jamie creep over to Sandi, crouch down beside her.)
JAMIE: Um... Sandi. We, um, have to talk.
(Sandi looks up at him, gets a slightly embarrassed look on her face.)
SANDI: Josh, I've, like, said all that needs to be said.
JAMIE: Actually, my name's --
SANDI: Look, I told you that you're a nice guy, and stuff, but it was one night.
JAMIE: (getting a morose expression on his face) It wasn't one night to me, Sandi. It was... my, um... my...
(Sandi catches his meaning and reddens a little.)
SANDI: Oh. I... (pause) I-I didn't know. (long pause. vaguely apologetic) Look... like I said, I wasn't thinking straight, and besides, directors like bedroom scenes, so I thought --
JAMIE: Huh???
SANDI: Um, nothing. (Bt.) Listen, I've got two dates tonight at the nightclub, but how'd you like to be my emergency back-up in case the others cancel?
(Pause. Jamie finally nods. After several more seconds, he finally gets up and leaves. Meanwhile, cut to shot of Jane and Daria. The helicopter microphone has picked up the dialogue, so they've overheard the exchange. Jane is frowning darkly.)
JANE: (sarcastic) Ah yes, the mystery is when that girl ever stops posing. User of men, smearer of good names... our little Sandi is just full of ways to get attention. (Bt. smirks wickedly) In fact, I feel like giving her some right now. (calling out) Yoo-hoo... Sandi!!
(She waves down at her. Cut to shot of Sandi on the ground. She looks up, then turns scarlet. Cut to shot from her P.O.V. We see Jane waving, an exaggerated smile on her face, and Daria smirking beside her.)
JANE: Remember me?? It's Jane Lane! Remember? Your pal JANE... LANE! It's great to see you! Gosh, when did we last see each other?? It's slipped my mind...
(Resume shot of Sandi. She does a wave, mumbles some sort of greeting, then tries to ignore Jane. Cut to shot of Jane and Daria on the roof. Jane now smirks with satisfaction.)
JANE: I so love tormenting that girl. (Bt.) Now that's the kind of fun you should be having with this experience.
DARIA: Think she'll ever be embarrassed enough to apologize to you? [*] see "Outvoted"
JANE: (shrugging) Who knows?? But seriously -- if you're gonna be on T.V., and you feel like the world's turned upside down and people aren't being real, one thing you could do is let yourself go crazy.
DARIA: (disbelief) You want me to act like them??
JANE: No. But what I'm saying is that you're going to be influencing hundreds of impressionable young minds with this T.V. program of yours... why not take the opportunity to mess with their heads a little?
(Daria pauses to absorb what Jane said. Then she smirks. fade-out.)
(fade-in to: )
SCENE 6 (house, the next evening)
(Cue music: "Adia" by Sarah McLachlan)
(Herky-jerky shot of the outside of the house.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So I decided to take Jane's advice. But I soon learned that messing with all of your wonderful minds wasn't as easy as I thought it would be...
(Cut to shaky shot of Daria at the kitchen counter, looking through several sheets of paper with a mild frown of concentration on her face. Every so often, she reaches for a nearby plate of celery sticks topped with peanut butter and takes a bite.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Perusal of my contract revealed that it's air-tight. No messing with the camera lenses. No torching the house or the share box. (Bt.) No pumping anti-establishment recordings into the sound system, including Beatnik poetry, white supremacist mottos --
(Daria looks up from the papers.)
DARIA: There go those KKK slogans I wanted to try. (long pause. looks at the camera) That was a joke.
(She resumes looking at the papers.)
DARIA: (continuing off screen voice-over) or any music by an artist with a sharp utensil for a first name. No alcohol. No drugs. No smoking. No rapping. No rapping while smoking. No hitting someone with a closed fist -- although hitting someone with an open hand is permissible as long as it's done in the heat of anger. That is also the only time you can refer to someone as a "bitch" or a "ho."
(Daria sighs heavily and chomps down hard on a celery stick.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Anyway, the list goes on, and I still hadn't reached the end of the preamble. (Bt.) Oh, and did I forget to mention that this is supposed to be a television show based on our natural behavior?
(Just then, we see Sandi walk into the kitchen. She at first seems to not notice Daria, as she's heading toward the back pantry.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I was beginning to think that I was out of luck -- until fate stepped in...
(Sandi stops abruptly, and turns to look at the jar of peanut butter sitting on the counter. She walks back over to Daria and stands across from her, on the other side of the counter. Picks up the jar, looks at it with some disbelief, then frowns at Daria.)
SANDI: Like, excuse me, what do you think you're doing with that??
DARIA: (deadpan) I'm using it as super glue to create the ultimate food sculpture. (Bt.) Or ingesting it. I haven't decided.
SANDI: (frowning) Look, cousin of that girl-I-hate-so-much-I-can't-even-say-her-name-right-now, that's my peanut butter.
DARIA: (glancing at her plate of celery sticks) Oh. Sorry. If you feel my unpopular essence has tainted it, I think Jodie has another jar stashed away somewhere.
SANDI: (rolling her eyes with disgust) I can't, like, use a common supermarket variety -- mine is organically grown. (points to the label.)
DARIA: (looking) Oh. (Bt.) So do all organically-grown foods have no flavor?
SANDI: (losing her temper) It's not for eating, it's for rubbing over your skin!
DARIA: And would there be any organically-grown jelly to go with that?
SANDI: Your skin absorbs the nutrients and gets an afterglow. God, you, like, know nothing about skin care treatments!
(Beat)
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Wearing peanut butter... no, I'm afraid I don't have the guts to test out that fashion statement. My gut is only made for one thing. (pats her stomach.) And if you don't mind my saying so, I think the peanut butter has gone to a better place.
(Pause. Sandi frowns darkly at Daria.)
SANDI: You just, like, think everything's so funny, don't you??
DARIA: (deadpan) I didn't realize I was laughing.
SANDI: You've been, like, making fun of us this whole time. You're just a... a bully.
DARIA: (stunned) Excuse me??
(Sandi leans in closer to her.)
SANDI: You heard what I said -- and you know what?? I am fed up with it. Eating my peanut butter without permission and then making fun of me was the last straw. (Bt.) I'm calling a house meeting.
(She pulls back, turns away, and leaves. Pause. Daria turns and looks at the camera, wearing an "O-kaaay" expression on her face.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Just when I thought I couldn't do any damage, I found that I'd messed with someone's mind. Sandi is apparently convinced that I'm out to get her. Or at least she's pretending to be convinced. Either way, my life has taken a definite turn toward the surreal.
[Shot of Kevin dropping the milk carton and stomping it flat, while Daria and Jodie look on.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?