This is the twelfth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows
I'd give this a 2S...
Before I tell you to "Enjoy!", an introduction is needed. Most of you who've been forced to slog through inferior MTV programs on your way to "Daria" will be familiar with "The Real World." But just in case you've lucked out and never caught an episode, let me give you some background.
"The Real World" claims to be a reality-based television show. Its opening line states: "This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when people stop being polite." That's it in a nutshell. I won't give away any more details because I want you to recognize the more ridiculous aspects of the show (and there are so, so many) in my fanfic, except that there have been eight "Real Worlds" to date. New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, London, Miami, Boston, Seattle, and Hawaii. There is also a "Real World" spinoff called "Road Rules," now in its sixth season I believe, in which five or six people travel through exotic locales.
As for this fanfic, it is possibly the first one I've written that could be called -- GASP -- "situation-based." I wouldn't call it a parody, per se, because it doesn't take the Daria characters and transform them into "Real World" characters, but it does have some elements of parody. Overall, I'd say that its tone closest resembles the one in "Scream." It's part-parody, part examination of how people are affected by the media, all slamming of the "Real World" phenomenon.
Those of you who despise "The Real World" should enjoy it. Those who aren't too familiar with the show will probably be entertained anyway, although to understand some of my references, you may want to first travel down to "Points of Interest" in my postscript, where I explain them.
That said........ Enjoy!!!
Ten Spot Promo: That annoying one where the numbers materialize in the water, and it takes forever for the 10 to appear...
(Cue music: "Steal My Sunshine" by Len)
(Shaky cam. pan-over shot of Lawndale. It's morning, and the rising sun bathes every rooftop with golden light. We lurch over houses, streets, the park, the town, the school, until we finally circle around a noticeably large house that takes up half the side of the street. It's surrounded by tennis courts, a mini-zoo, a helicopter landing pad, a stable for the ponies, a Olympic-sized swimming pool, and a giant fountain.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) If you haven't already turned away because of motion-induced nausea, do not be fooled by what you see.
(The pan-over camera jerks to a stop, as does the music. Jerk to close-up, frontal shot of Our Heroine, staring out at us through the screen, wearing her patented deadpan expression. Behind her, we see that the walls appear to be a swirl of neon green and pink.)
DARIA: You have now entered Hell. You will be sharing this hell with two other unfortunate people and five morons. But before you start your journey, let me tell you the true story of how this all began...
[intro theme music...................]
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, middle of the night)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of a hollow-eyed Quinn, staring straight ahead in a zombie-like fashion, as glowing light flickers across her face. Cut to wide shot. We see that she's camped out on the living room sofa, curled up in a sleeping bag and wearing pajamas, a half-consumed bowl of no-salt, no-butter, no-oil, fat-free popcorn beside her. Off screen, from the T.V., we hear several loud, whiny young voices.)
(Just then, in the background we see Daria walking downstairs, also in P.J.'s. She pauses for a moment, takes in what Quinn's watching, then continues to walk down and over to the couch.)
DARIA: Ah, Masterpiece Theatre. (Bt. faux thoughtful.) No... that one requires you to think and watch at the same time.
QUINN: (edgy) Quiet, Daria!!!
DARIA: So you've been sucked into watching another "Real World" marathon, have you?
(Pause. Quinn continues to watch like a zombie.)
DARIA: And how is this different from the one they showed last weekend? Or the weekend before?
(Beat)
QUINN: (scornful) Last weekend was the "Road Rules" marathon. Duh! How could you not tell them apart?!
DARIA: (smirking) I guess it's just that all whining, self-absorbed people look alike to me, with or without the R.V. (Bt.) Have you ever thought of trying out?
QUINN: Would you be quiet?! This is a very important scene. Puck's about to get thrown out of the house.
DARIA: Again?
(She comes over to the other side of the sofa and sits down beside Quinn as we hear off screen: )
GUY: (angry) You're disrespecting ME, you're disrespecting the people in this HOUSE --
GUY 2: Whoa, dude, like chill out. If you can't handle the Puck-man, then you're, like, toast. 'Cause the Puck-man's only on nine -- you ain't seen me on ten --
GUY: Get OUT!!!
(Sounds of collective shouting. Daria sighs, rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: Doesn't someone get thrown out of the house every season?
QUINN: Only in the first eight seasons. Not the last eight.
DARIA: How can you watch this crap? It's the same boring stuff every season. Someone gets kicked out. Someone has an incurable disease and/or a substance abuse problem. Someone comes to terms with being gay. And two cast members get together for some ill-advised "snuggling."
QUINN: (surprised) Wow. How d' you know so much?
DARIA: Uh... (reddens a little) by default. This show is always on. Always... always.
QUINN: Well then you understand that these guys have major problems. Much worse than you or I could have. It's like watching an episode of "Jerry Springer," but with more attractive people.
DARIA: How very reassuring.
QUINN: (annoyed) And at least their problems are interesting. Sheesh -- I couldn't even watch your life for a half-hour before tuning out.
(Daria cocks an eyelid -- "Touche.")
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Lawndale High, a few days later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and company sitting in class. Suddenly, from off screen: )
MS. LI: (over the P.A.) Attention all students. I'm pleased to announce that a veeeeery exciting opportunity has befallen the school. Something that will have us rolling in fame and glory and lots and lots and lots of much-needed spending money! Ooh-hoo, I'm so excited! Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo...!
(Daria and Jane remain impassive.)
MS. LI: Uh, erm... that said, would the following students pleeeease report to my office immediately. Jodie Landon, Jamie White, Kevin Thompson, Daria Morgendorffer --
(Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)
MS. LI: -- Charles Ruttheimer, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, and Saaaaaandra Griffin.
(Cut to shot of Quinn sitting in class with Stacy and Tiffany. Quinn looks nervous as Tiffany starts to stand up.)
QUINN: You and S-Sandi? What could she want with both of you??
(Cut to shot of Daria in class. She gives Jane one last wary glance before shrugging her shoulders and standing up to leave.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Li's office, a short time later)
(Shot of the outside. We see Daria walking slowly toward the door. Cut to inside shot: all of the other students have already arrived. Sandi and Tiffany are busy discussing which is the best split-end resistant shampoo. Upchuck is combing his hair and growling softly with lust. Kevin is spiking his football into the floor over and over again. Jamie sits there hunched over, looking rather vulnerable without the other two Js flanking him. Jodie is looking probingly at a man sitting with Ms. Li at her desk. Finally Daria walks in.)
JODIE: (turning, seeing her) Daria. Over here.
(She scoots to one side of her chair to make room. Daria sits down.)
DARIA: What's this about?
MS. LI: Oooh, I'm glad you asked, Ms. Morgendorffer! I have here an important guest who will explaaaaaain to you all the glorious opportunity that awaits you.
SANDI: (tossing her hair) Great, but could you, like, make it fast? This is cutting into my mirror time.
KEVIN: Yeah -- an' Brit gets jealous if I'm away from her for more 'n two minutes.
DARIA: (deadpan) Funny: I would think she'd be cheering with relief.
(Kevin scratches his head, looks confused.)
MAN: (dripping with enthusiasm) Oh-ho, that's a good one! Such biting wit -- that's why I chose you. I chose all of you.
(All of the students turn to stare at the man, who is thirty-something, wearing a suit with a pink shirt underneath and a string tie. He's got several clunky gold rings on his fingers, and he smiles snakily.)
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) For what, exactly?
MS. LI: For a chance to bond with each other as you've never bonded before!
SANDI: (cringing, eyeing Upchuck) Bonding??
TIFFANY: Ewwwww...
UPCHUCK: (rubbing his hands together) Grrrrrrrrr... sounds promising Ms. Li.
MS. LI: Yeeeees. I got the inspiration this past weekend during a certain delightfully addictive marathon.
MAN: And then she called me! Hi, I'm Skip Wilkinson -- producer of such memorable television fare as "Child Beauty Queens: American Sweethearts," and "When Postal Workers Attack." (holds out his hand. no one shakes it.) Erm... anyway, Ms. Li and I came up with a proposal -- how'd you kids like to live together for three fun-filled weeks? Sharing bedrooms, bathrooms, the kitchen --
DARIA/SANDI/TIFFANY: No!
SKIP: Wait-wait-wait... there's more!
(Daria suddenly gets a look of realization.)
DARIA: This marathon you saw... would that happen to be "The Real World" marathon?
MS. LI: (nervous) Wh-What makes you say that??
DARIA: Just a hunch.
SANDI: (perking up) We're gonna be on "The Real World"???
TIFFANY: Ooooooooh!
KEVIN: (jumping up) Aw right!! Girls love the bad boys on that show. Like Puck an' that Neil guy -- (spikes his football -- it flies up and hits him in the face.) Ooph!
SANDI: (to Tiffany) Like, people on "The Real World" become famous an' stuff. We could, like, end up as models.
DARIA: (sardonic) Yeah -- role models for our sick, sad generation.
(Sandi turns her eyes toward Daria and frowns darkly. Daria doesn't notice.)
MS. LI: (irritated) Would you all stop! This is not "The Real World." It's compleeeeeetely different.
SKIP: Right. "The Real World" is a bunch of twenty-something year-old actors posing as regular people, living lives that are impossibly luxurious, but still finding time to whine about it!
MS. LI: Whereas you'll be just an ordinary bunch of normal teenagers living together and learning about each other's lives.
DARIA: With a few cameras lying around.
SKIP: Eh-heh-heh-ho! (waves at Daria to "shut up.") What better way to chart your progress than to have it on film??
MS. LI: And of course we'll be showing the completed work to a feeeew people.
(Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)
KEVIN: (to Skip) So, like, why d' you pick us, bro? Was it 'cause of our (flexes his muscles, flashes a toothy grin.) reputations?
UPCHUCK: Our unbelievable way with the opposite sex? Grrrrrrr...
SKIP: No, no! You're just a random group of students chosen randomly! There's no sort of "master plan" involved. (does the finger-wiggle.) But how fortunate we were to select such a wonderful range of students. (stands up, strolls over to Kevin.) We have our popular jock and all-around-good-guy in Kevin. (pats him firmly on the back.)
KEVIN: Ow!
SKIP: (walking over to Sandi) Our cool, suave, popular girl who wraps the men around her finger...
(Sandi smirks, obviously finding no fault with his description.)
SKIP: The minorities! (gestures at Tiffany and Jodie.) Tiffany: the Chinese girl adopted by Jewish American parents, torn between two worlds, in search of her identity.
TIFFANY: (blasé) Uh-huh.
SKIP: And Jodie: the tough but smart African American ready to take on a white man's world!
(Jodie smiles thinly. Skip then walks over to Upchuck, who's tapping his fingers together in anticipation.)
SKIP: Every group needs an oddball!
(Upchuck frowns. Skip turns to Daria.)
SKIP: And a brain with a take-no-prisoners attitude!
(Daria cocks an eyelid. Skip walks over to Jamie, who's been quiet this whole time.)
SKIP: And you... we-ell... (long pause) we sensed latent homosexual tendencies in you.
JAMIE: Huh??
SKIP: Well that about sums it up. (goes back to the desk, sits down. opens a briefcase.) Now if you'd all be kind enough to sign some contracts.
DARIA: And if we exercise our freedom of will by not signing?
MS. LI: (faux pleasant) Then you can spend those three weeks in your own home. Expelled.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Pizza King, after school)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting in one of the booths with a pie between them. Daria's not eating - she's slumped over and looking tired.)
DARIA: This is all just a dream. A hideous, sick dream.
JANE: (sardonic) Say that enough times, and maybe you'll wake up back in Kansas.
DARIA: (frowning at her) This has to be a dream - 'cause for some reason, this whole set-up seems painfully familiar.
JANE: Aw, "The Real World" does that to you. Predictable plot lines, saccharine emotions... every season is like an assault on the brain. (Bt. embarrassed) Not that I would know, of course, as I never, ever watch the show.
DARIA: (sarcastic) I'm convinced.
JANE: Anyway, it should be fun! Just imagine: you'll get to share close quarters with people you hate and learn all their twisted secrets that you can use against them on a future occasion.
DARIA: Your optimism is having no effect.
JANE: You'll have cameras following you everywhere, recording your every move, bringing to light the true Daria Morgendorffer in all her sarcastic glory.
DARIA: You wouldn't be so enthusiastic if it were you stuck doing this. It's all just to buy the school more security measures. And frankly, I never thought our honorable principal could stoop so low.
JANE: (sympathetic) Yeah -- selling the footage to a local cable access channel. I'll admit that's pretty out there.
DARIA: You don't suppose people will watch it, do you?
JANE: (shrugging) Hey, the Guptys' marriage therapy show became a success, didn't it? Besides, there's so much bland vanilla crap on the air these days, this dabble in voyeurism should be gobbled up like jalapeño chilies.
DARIA: (sarcastic) How encouraging. (suddenly sees Jodie coming toward them. Jane waves at her to sit down.) And you -- to think you knew about this all along.
JODIE: (sitting down) Yeah? So what?
DARIA: So you're participating anyway.
JODIE: (philosophical) Hey, look: I figure this is one of those rare opportunities to give black people a face on T.V. beyond the U.P.N. network.
DARIA: Point taken.
JODIE: And it would give us teens from different peer groups the chance to show we really can get along.
(Beat)
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Get along, you say? (Bt.) I wasn't certain, but now I know for sure -- Ms. Li's planted a mind-control device in your head.
(Jodie rolls her eyes good-naturedly. Meanwhile, cut to shot of Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy sitting at another booth, a cheeseless pizza between them that only Stacy is eating. Quinn looks as despondent as Daria.)
QUINN: It's bad enough my weird cousin's gonna be on the show, but I can't believe they chose Sandi for the vixen role over me.
TIFFANY: (yes-man) That is soooo wrong.
QUINN: I'm a "Real World" expert too, you know.
TIFFANY: Yeah.
(Beat)
QUINN: (suddenly nervous) Um, Tiffany? Um... I hope when you're living with Sandi and all those other people, you don't forget who your real friends are.
STACY: Yeah -- we can come visit you, can't we?
TIFFANY: Sure.
QUINN: And um... be sure to remember who put you where you are today.
TIFFANY: Sandi?
(Beat)
QUINN: (irritation creeping in) No. (Bt.) I mean the one who's kept you there. The one who put her reputation on the line so you could have some responsibility -- only to completely wreck everything so she became the laughing stock of the town.
TIFFANY: Oh yeah. [*] see "Of Absolute Value"
(Quinn looks at her beseechingly a few seconds longer, but Tiffany doesn't seem to get it. Finally Quinn presses a hand to her forehead, groans, and shakes her head. Stacy watches her with concern.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 5 (the following week -- start of the experiment)
(Cue music: "Steal My Sunshine" by Len)
(Herky-jerky overhead shot of the neighborhood. Zero in and circle around the big house we saw in the prologue. Cut to inside shot. The students are standing, luggage in hand, with Skip and Ms. Li. The downstairs area where they have gathered looks like that of a palace. It's huge, and brightly colored in swirly pastels and neon shades. From floor to ceiling there are bay windows, although there's no bay to look out onto, as well as several exotic plants and birds.)
SKIP: So what do you think of Casa de Lawndale??
SANDI: Oh, I think I could feel at home, here.
UPCHUCK: It'd make the perfect love nest for the Chuckmeister. Grrrrrrr...
JODIE: How did you get this place?
SKIP: Oh, the owners were thrilled to lend it out for educational purposes.
DARIA: And for a hefty sum and loads of publicity.
MS. LI: Ms. Morgendorffer! (Bt.) May I remind you that Big Brother is watching. (points up to a camera on the ceiling, which seems to be recording them.)
(Daria flinches, as does Jodie. The other students eye the camera with interest.)
SKIP: Now let me direct you all to the Pepsi room, where you'll find a few little amenities...
(Cut to shot of the inside of a large rec room with several Pepsi logos prominently displayed. Everyone walks in, looks around. In the corner, we see a sectioned-off space.)
SKIP: This is your basic recreational room. Couch, T.V. --
JODIE: What's that? (points to the space.)
KEVIN: Heeeeeeey -- the make-out room! Brit'll really go for that.
SANDI: No, you dummy, it's a confessional. A mainstay of the "Real World" and "Road Rules." You use it to confess your innermost thoughts and feelings.
DARIA: (deadpan) Assuming you've got any.
(Beat. Jodie can't contain a chuckle. Sandi frowns at them.)
SKIP: Confessional?? No, no! We respect our copyright infringement laws. This is a "share box." See how it's got Sherry the share pillow in there? Right on top of that nice mirror.
DARIA: With the glowing red recording light.
SKIP & MS. LI: Mrrrrrrrr...
DARIA: (to Jodie) A great place to spontaneously assert your true emotions. And check which is your better side.
SKIP: (overhearing. annoyed) Do you have anything more you'd like to add, Daria??
(Beat)
DARIA: Well... only a question. If we're just supposed to be a bunch of real teenagers living together, then why does our house resemble the inside of a Vegas casino?
(Skip and Ms. Li look at each other and shake their heads, as if they can't believe she'd ask such a silly question.)
MS. LI: Because, Ms. Morgendorffer...
SKIP: People can't watch you kids in a regular house! It would be much too boring.
DARIA: But by putting us in the Taj Mahal, aren't you distorting reality even more than you already have by forcing us to live together in the first place?
SKIP: Distorting reality?? (big laugh.) Heavens, no! We're merely enhancing it to make it more digestible to the average viewer. That way, they can get much more out of it than if...
DARIA: (sardonic) It were really real?
SKIP: Ummm... (frowns at her.) Never mind. (Bt.) Come on, everyone: our next stop will be the Microsoft digital kitchen...
(Pause)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So that's how it started...
(Cut to frontal close-up of her in the "share box.")
DARIA: An ordeal in which I was, and am still, forced to spend each waking moment with people I don't know and don't really wish to know...
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (montage of scenes)
(Cue music: "Crazy" by Britney Spears)
(Herky-jerky shot of sun rising over Lawndale. Cut to herky-jerky shot of the house from the outside. Cut to shot of Sandi, Tiffany, Jodie, and Daria standing in front of a huge bathroom counter and mirror, fit for a palace. The counter and floor are made of green marble, and in the background, we see a waterfall running down the wall, across the floor. Sandi and Tiffany have their make-up spread over practically two-thirds of the counter, crowding out Daria and Jodie. Both look as though they've been grooming themselves for quite some time, while Daria still looks morning-scruffy and is brushing her teeth. Jodie's brushing her hair.)
SANDI: (frowning) The automatic faucets aren't working again. I don't know how they expect us to survive under these conditions.
JODIE: So you do it by hand. So what?
(Sandi rolls her eyes, then glances at Tiffany.)
TIFFANY: (as if Jodie were from Mars) We might chip a nail.
JODIE: (rolling her eyes) Right. How could I forget?
DARIA: (sardonic) And to think there are people who have to get by without running water or thickening nail polish.
SANDI: (glaring at her) Like, are you accusing us of complaining?? (Bt.) Excuse me, we haven't complained about anything since we got here. Not even about how you two got the larger room, although we could have.
TIFFANY: Yeah.
JODIE: (annoyed) We don't have the larger room. It just has an extra window.
TIFFANY: (cringing) Stuffy rooms are bad for the skin.
SANDI: (tossing her hair) And it's important to look your best -- especially when it's likely someone might be watching you. (eyes trail toward the wall camera, then dart back.)
DARIA: (deadpan) Yes -- dazzling a stalker is one of the most important parts of a girl's day.
(Beat)
SANDI: (frowning) All I'm saying is that you never know when a talent agent might be randomly flipping through the channels and catch one of us on Channel Sixty-four.
DARIA: That's if he's not too busy arranging contracts for his real clients.
(Jodie chuckles softly. Sandi frowns harder, unable to come up with a satisfactory response.)
DARIA: Since I don't quite have your zeal for seeking attention, I think I'll take my chances with anonymity.
SANDI: Fine.
(Cut to close-up of Sandi in the share box with her arms folded. Cue music: "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morissette.)
SANDI: You know, sometimes I think that girl with the glasses is making fun of me. It like um... (pauses to think.) fills me with pain inside that I, like, can't express... an' stuff. (Bt.) She's just like Ruthie from "Real World: Hawaii." Well you know what? No one liked Ruthie. Ruthie left. (Pause. mumble.) Well actually... she came back, and then no one liked Amaya, or whatever --
(Pounding heard off screen.)
SANDI: (pissed) Dammit, I've still got five minutes in the confessional! (Pause. looks into the camera.) So which d' you think is my better side?
(Pause. We then hear Daria utter a sigh from off screen. Cue music: "Building a Mystery" by Sarah MacLachlan.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Well now that I've got the confessional back, where was I?
(Cut to side shot of Daria walking down the stairs. Kevin slides past her down the bannister, surfer style.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Oh yeah. I've spent every waking moment being recorded for the purpose of a quick buck.
(We hear Kevin crash off screen. Daria flinches only slightly, then continues walking downstairs.)
(Cut to frontal shot of Daria walking down the street to school, a full-fledged camera crew behind her and a microphone dangling overhead.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Having to endure the constant scorn of less-than-understanding classmates.
(From off screen, a tomato whizzes in Daria's direction, hits her on the face, and bounces off. Daria scarcely bats an eye. The tomato is followed by more vegetables, coming at her from both directions. Cut to side shot. We see students standing on the sidelines, shouting, waving their arms, trying to get in front of the camera.)
STUDENT: Take your exploitation crap to another town!
STUDENT 2: Quit misrepresenting the Lawndale High student body!
BARRY: You're giving nerds everywhere a bad image!
(He tosses an animal pelt at Daria. Daria freezes as it flies past, then shudders and walks on.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Or having to endure the star-struck frenzy that has gripped the rest of the student body...
(Cut to shot of Daria walking into O'Neill's class, tomato juice running down her face and broccoli in her hair. She makes her way past Jodie, who looks similarly disheveled, and slides into her seat. We see that the classroom looks a little more crowded than usual, and that many people in the back of the room are edging their way forward, waving.)
DARIA: (to O' Neill. deadpan) Um, could I have a few extra seats for them? (gestures off to the side. pan over to show the camera crew in the doorway.)
(Cut to shot of O'Neill at the front of the room.)
O'NEILL: (gestures and voice exaggerated) Of course you can, o' favorite pupil of mine!
(Resume shot of Daria. Jane leans toward her.)
JANE: (wicked smirk) Need some help washing off the stardust??
(Daria looks at Jane with an annoyed "Et tu, Brute?" expression. She sighs heavily.)
(Cue music: "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin. Cut to shot of the outside of a nightclub with a long line of young people wrapping around it. The large sign flashes in neon: Lawndale Sizzling Hot Nites.)
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Then at night, having to work with my housemates in our co-owned, co-run nightclub which Skip thought would be the perfect place for teenagers to learn real world work habits...
(Cut to shot of Daria standing at the bar, polishing a glass [we presume she's not serving drinks, but who knows!]. Off screen we hear a heavy beat along with the obnoxious lyrics of the Ricky Martin song. Herky-jerky pan-over reveals a room crowded with people dancing, while lights swirl all around. The camera jerks to a stop over Kevin and Brittany. Cut to close-up.)
KEVIN: Babe, I'm tellin' ya, no girl in that house even comes close to you.
BRITTANY: Aww, Kevvy... (gets into her jealousy mode.) Well they'd better not! Or else I'll just have to get even with you for being a two-timer! (Pause. sees Kevin looking off screen with an aroused look on his face.) Kevvy?
KEVIN: Who-hoooo... check out Sandi.
(Cut to herky-jerky shot of Sandi dancing with Jamie, both of whom look like they're pretty into it. Resume shot of Kevin and Brittany. Brittany slaps him across the face, storms off.)
(Cut to shot of Daria. A bouncer comes up to her.)
BOUNCER: Yo, Daria - want me to eject that clown?
(He points off screen. Jerky pan-over to Upchuck, whom we see getting in the middle of two couples, taking the unwilling women aside, and dancing with them simultaneously. Resume shot of Daria.)
DARIA: Sure. But don't let him know your orders came from me. (Bt.) On second thought, do.
BOUNCER: Gotcha.
(Cut to shot of Upchuck. The bouncer appears, grips his arm, and drags him kicking and protesting away.)
(Cut to shot of Daria in the share box, looking weary. Cue music: "Building a Mystery" by Sarah McLachlan.)
DARIA: Overall, I've had to endure three days of my privacy being plundered like never before. I'm starting to wonder what this constant stream of attention will turn me and my housemates into. And all I can say is --
(She's interrupted by a crashing sound. In the background, we see Kevin and Brittany fall into the share box, making out passionately.)
BRITTANY: Neat-o make-out room, Kevvy!
KEVIN: What'd I tell ya, babe??
(Daria at first looks startled. Then she groans.)
DARIA: It's gonna be a long three weeks.
[Shot of Daria and Quinn watching the "Real World."]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
In the spirit of the episode, I've decided to make all of my commercials for stupid MTV programs...
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?