This is the fourteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows
I give it between a 2S and a 2.5S...
The title, of course, is derived from Primary Colors by Anonymous (actually the prominent Newsweek columnist, Joe Klein). That book detailed a Bill Clinton-like man's rise to power in the 1992 presidential election. It has absolutely nothing to do with the theme of this fanfic... but I liked the play on the title. : >
WARNING: This fanfic contains some offensive language, though it's placed in a context that is not meant to offend.
That said... Enjoy!!!
Ten Spot Promo: Another made-up one -- a parody of the Britney Spears video,"Hit Me, Baby." Only it's Brittany in the Britney Spears role, wearing sexy lingerie and dancing around. Daria, Jane, and Quinn are her slumber party buddies, and they're also dancing around, wearing sexy lingerie. Brittany keeps tripping over the dance moves. Quinn keeps trying to jump in front of her. Daria performs her moves very mechanically. You can picture the rest. ; >
Until new Ten Spot Promos come along...
[intro theme music...................]
SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, after school)
(Shot of Jodie standing at her locker, fiddling with the combination, the hallway behind her nearly empty. Most students have gone home, and Jodie is making a routine stop before heading off to a student council meeting. She opens her locker and spies a folded white piece of paper lying on top of her other things. Jodie frowns mildly. She didn't put it there, but maybe Mack did, or someone from student council. She unfolds the paper with an air of nonchalance and reads.)
(As she reads, we see her face grow progressively pale. At one point, she bites her lip to avoid crying out. Finally, she blinks hard and crumples the paper into a ball, then hurls it as far as it will go. The paper lands softly on the ground and lies there for several seconds, while Jodie watches it, her face now red. She blinks hard and takes deep breaths, trying to calm down. At long last, she slams her locker shut and starts off in the opposite direction, determined to forget about what she'd read. But after taking a few steps, she turns around and looks at the crumpled-up note in the distance again. We see her shoulders sink down, and a defeated look in her eyes. She walks toward the note.)
(fade-out. fade-in to:)
SCENE 2 (a short time later)
(We see Jodie sitting in a corner of the hallway, her back against one of the lockers. Her legs are pressed to her chest, and she is holding the now-unfolded note. She turns it from side to side, looking at it with a dull expression. She is so absorbed in her own thoughts, she doesn't notice Quinn walking right past her in the direction of the bathroom, and Quinn doesn't notice her.)
(cut to:)
SCENE 3 (bathroom)
(Shot of Quinn walking blithely through the door and up to the mirror. She immediately begins her afterschool, pre-Fashion Club meeting grooming. This ritual lasts for several seconds, during which time Quinn hums to herself in a chipper tone. Suddenly we hear the door to one of the stalls open slowly, then see Sandi appear onscreen. Her expression is wary -- she evidently hoped to have the bathroom to herself, and Quinn's presence isn't cause for joy. Similarly, Quinn 's face takes on an expression of shock. Both immediately mask their feelings with phony smiles.)
QUINN: (faux gracious) Oh hi, Sandi. So good to see you.
SANDI: (also faux gracious, but her heart sounding less into it) Hi, Quinn. Likewise.
QUINN: Don't you usually have student council meetings today?
(Beat)
SANDI: (smirking, starting to apply make-up) Yes, but they're willing to wait until I've reached my optimum level of attractiveness. That's how it is when you're the one bright spot in their entire day.
QUINN: (faux interested) Wow, really? (little laugh.) 'Cause I could've sworn someone else said something completely different. Jodie, was it? (At that, Sandi gets a dark look on her face.) Oh, but I'm sure I just heard wrong. There probably couldn't be a student council without you, Sandi. [*] see "Surreal World"
SANDI: Yes. (Pause. glances sideways at Quinn. faux friendly.) Oh by the way, Quinn, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you still haven't fixed your problem.
QUINN: (suspicious, but trying to hide it) What problem is that?
(Sandi eyes Quinn's glasses. Quinn purses her lips and tries to remain civil.)
QUINN: Oh these? (uneasy laugh.) These're no problem, besides the field of optometry is coming closer and closer to making contact lenses for my type of astigmatism and until then no one minds them. There is no problem. None.
SANDI: (smirking) If you say so.
(Beat. Now neither she nor Quinn can conceal the irritation they feel toward one another. Quinn focuses her attention on the mirror, proceeds to brush her hair with faux nonchalance.)
QUINN: Y' know, I was just thinking...
SANDI: (cocking a brow) Yes?
QUINN: (through clenched teeth) How really great it is that we can finally talk to each other like normal people --
SANDI: (eyes narrowing) You mean without having to suck up and put on phony displays to make the other person think we like them when in fact --
QUINN: We hate their guts! Exactly.
(She and Sandi eye each other venomously.)
SANDI: (slowly) Gee, I'm glad to hear you feel that way. I guess you won't take it so hard then when I tell you the quality of the fashion at this school has taken a serious plunge since you became Fashion Club president.
QUINN: (bracing herself) Oh?? And just how do you think you could correct it??
SANDI: Well I could just find a replacement, (smirks.) but better if I recommend to my fellow council members that the club be penalized, maybe a cut in funding to make its members really see the errors of --
QUINN: (jaw dropping) You wouldn't.
SANDI: (faux innocent) Why not? If it's for the good of the school.
(Quinn looks ready to give a really nasty retort, one that could possibly provoke a catfight. But then she straightens up, tosses her hair, and smirks.)
QUINN: Go ahead, then. Not like anyone will listen to you.
(Sandi's eyes narrow. Quinn knows she's won. She takes her make-up, gives Sandi a nod, and starts to leave. Sandi tries to shore up her dignity.)
SANDI: Oh Quinn? (Bt) Next time you come in here to apply make-up, don't bother to bring mascara. (smirks.) No one will see it.
(Pause. Quinn turns and gives Sandi a death stare. Sandi returns it with a hard look of her own.)
(cut to:)
SCENE 4 (lockers, a short time later)
(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing beside their lockers, getting ready to leave.)
JANE: So... what say we forego our usual pizza for the new chili place in the mall? All you can eat.
DARIA: Does it provide you with a new stomach in case the old one gives way?
JANE: Hmm... we'll have to see. (Just then, we see Mack and Jodie walk past them in the foreground.) Hey there, love bird-erinos!
(Mack and Jodie continue to walk without acknowledging her or Daria. Jane frowns.)
DARIA: (deadpan) What did you expect? Who in their right minds would respond to that nickname?
JANE: Say Daria, did Jodie look kind of funny to you?
(Cut to shot of Jodie and Mack -- pan to follow them. As Jane noticed, Jodie is still pale and visibly shaken from the note. Mack is gazing at it and frowning darkly.)
MACK: (shaking his head) I can't believe it. I'll kill whoever wrote this.
JODIE: (distressed) Look Michael, can we please just let this go? I don't want to think about it anymore.
MACK: Jodie, we can't let this go. That jerk obviously put this in your locker hoping to intimidate you. We have to show it to somebody.
JODIE: (irritation creeping in) To Ms. Li so she can say "We'll look into it" and nothing happens?? I've been through this before, and that's how it always goes.
MACK: (determined) Then we'll have to show it to someone else...
(fade-out. fade-in to:)
SCENE 5 (Landon residence, evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jodie, Mack, and Michele Landon sitting in the living room. Andrew Landon's pacing furiously around the room, reading from the sheet of paper.)
ANDREW: ... Uppity black bitch slut mother f--
JODIE: Dad!
ANDREW: (continuing, checking language) You have no bleeping business being president of our school. Better hand the job over to someone who knows what he or she is doing --!
JODIE: (meeker) Dad, please...
MICHELE: (sharp) That's enough, Andrew.
ANDREW: (muttering) And go hang out with the other nigger welfare queens -- (crumples up the paper, flings it to the ground, kicks it.) God dammit, I'm madder than hell!!
MACK: (sober) It kind of had that effect on us, too, sir.
MICHELE: (taking the paper, smoothing it out) Jodie, I can't believe this has happened to you before and you never told us.
JODIE: The last time was a long time ago. Before I even became president.
ANDREW: Dammit, none of my kids're on welfare!
MICHELE: (to Jodie) That doesn't matter. This kind of hate-filled, fear-mongering diatribe should not go unpunished.
ANDREW: I pay my taxes! Hell, when I see a welfare mother, I get as scornful as the rest of them!
MICHELE: Drew, settle down. (to Jodie) Do you have any idea who might've written this?
JODIE: No. (Pause. gets a thoughtful frown.) Wait... (sighs.) no.
MACK: (grim) Anybody with an inferiority complex.
ANDREW: It doesn't matter who wrote these notes -- the point is, you went to the ones in charge for help, and they didn't do anything!
MICHELE: Yes, exactly. And it's that kind of sitting-on-their-hands philosophy that keeps minorities down at these majority-white schools.
JODIE: (peevish) So what are you suggesting? That I storm Ms. Li's office and threaten her until she agrees to hunt down whoever's responsible??
ANDREW: Hell, why not? That woman's got enough surveillance equipment.
MICHELE: No, Drew, I think we should be the ones to do the threatening. (stands up and walks over to the phone.)
JODIE: (wary) What are you doing?
MICHELE: There's got to be a civil rights violation somewhere in this.
(Beat. Jodie realizes what her mom's about to do. Her eyes widen.)
JODIE: Mom, no! If you make a big deal out of this, everyone's gonna find out about it!
ANDREW: (scoffing) So what? It's about time.
MICHELE: (picking up the phone) Don't you see, sweetheart, that we've got to kill this cancerous growth before it spreads? If you're silenced by these threats, then just imagine all the smart black women who could follow. Think of Rachel.
ANDREW: Yeah. And this is just the kind of crap your mother and I dealt with when we first moved to Lawndale.
MICHELE: And when I was senior V.P. at U.S. World. (starts dialing.)
JODIE: (desperate) But don't you see?? I have to be with these people every day. My life's stressful enough already, and after this, it'll never be normal!
MACK: (sympathetic) But at least something good might come from it.
(Jodie exhales sharply and shakes her head. Mack pats her hand. Meanwhile, Michele's got the phone to her ear.)
MICHELE: (no-nonsense) Hi, Helen?? Michele. Listen, if you want to make up for all the stupid, lame-brained, insensitive comments you've ever made to me and my family, get your ass over here now.
(cut to:)
SCENE 6 (Lawndale High, several weeks later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of a newspaper. In the bottom righthand corner of the front page is a bold-faced headline. Cut to wider shot to show Jane holding the newspaper, reading the headline and the article.)
JANE: "Lawndale High Faces Class Action Lawsuit." (faux dramatic.) Lawndale High School found itself embroiled in controversy yesterday when parents of dozens of minority students, represented by the law firm of (sly glance at Daria.) Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan...
(As Jane reads off the names, Daria rolls her eyes.)
JANE: ... Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter... blah-blah-blah... (Bt. dramatic falsetto.) "We're going to rip this school wide open and expose the corruption infested in its bowels!" said lawyer on the case, Helen Morgendorffer. (normal voice.) Ooh -- in its bowels? Catchy.
DARIA: (deadpan) You think that's bad, you should hear the soundbites she spews at home.
JANE: Yeech -- so she's really into it, is she?
DARIA: Oh yeah. Her Sixties sense of righteousness has struck with a vengeance.
JANE: That, and she feels she owes the Landons big.
DARIA: Yep.
JANE: (reading) The controversy began when Student Body President Jodie Landon reported blah-blah-blah-blah-blah... Since then, Morgendorffer claims to have found several more violations... (stops reading. shakes her head.) Boy, just the publicity Jodie's always wanted, eh?
DARIA: Which explains why she's been a no-show these past couple of days.
JANE: So who d' you think did it?
DARIA: Someone without conscience or spine. Targeting Jodie's like targeting the Easter bunny.
JANE: (vaguely bitter) Yes, well I can think of one person who matches that description.
DARIA: Sandi Griffin?
JANE: Ooh yeah. (rolls her eyes.) She's an ambitious one, she is. Can't win the presidency by dragging one person through the wringer, so she stoops to racial slurs against another.
DARIA: This almost seems too crude to be Sandi's handiwork. Isn't she more the "sugar to your face, poison dart in your backside"-type person?
JANE: You would think so, wouldn't you? But then again, making your opponent out to be a potential murderer on your website seems crude, as well, and Sandi did that. [*] see "Outvoted"
(Daria cocks an eyelid and nods.)
JANE: (reading) Esteemed principal, Angela Li, protests that she was never...
(cut to:)
SCENE 7 (Li's office, at that same time)
(Close-up shot of Li, burning with rage.)
MS. LI: Oh good lord! Do you realize how much of a public relations disaster this is?! First threats of school violence, now this?!
(Cut to wider shot. Mr. O'Neill is sitting across from her, looking concerned, but much calmer.)
MR. O'NEILL: Now, now, Ms. Li, I'm sure we'll be able to address this problem in a way that'll make our school a stronger place to be. (does a fist pump.)
MS. LI: Ooooh -- I'll stronger you! This is just going to drag our institution's reputation into the mud, I just know it! (gestures angrily at a list on her desk.) And just look at these demands! These people act as though IIIIIII personally oppressed their children.
(O'Neill gets a nervous look on his face. No point in telling her the truth.)
MS. LI: (resentful) Well unlike their whiiiite attorney, I understand what it's like to be belittled by the majority culture!
O'NEILL: (encouraging) That's good, Ms. Li! You should let it out.
MS. LI: (glaring at him) But since they're holding a gun to my head, I guess I have no choice but to settle. (Bt) They want protection for their children from racial slurs?? (vaguely ominous.) Well they'll get it...
(fade-out. fade-in to:)
SCENE 8 (Lawndale High, a few days later)
(Shot of the outiside entrance to the auditorium. Cut to shot of Jodie seated in one of the chairs in the front row, looking ill-at-ease. Other students can be seen filing in and filling the other seats. Just then, we see Brittany and Kevin creeping down the aisle so that they're a short distance from Jodie. They're looking at her and whispering.)
KEVIN: (a bit too loud) So babe, ya think we should say something to her?
BRITTANY: Yeah. (twirls a lock of hair.) Something, like, really supportive or whatever.
KEVIN: How d' we do that? Awkward stuff, like, creeps me out.
BRITTANY: Yeah, me too. (Bt. loud panicked whisper.) Quick Kevvy: let's just sneak away an' act like we never saw her!
JODIE: (turning around, sarcastic) Hi guys. It's nice to know you care.
(Brittany and Kevin look at each other.)
BRITTANY: Eap!
KEVIN: Yeah, eap!
BRITTANY: (pleading) We're sorry, Jodie, we didn't --
JODIE: That's okay, Brittany. I'll talk to you later.
(Brittany and Kevin nod and quickly run off. Jodie groans and shakes her head. Just then, we see Mack approach her from the opposite direction. He takes a seat beside her.)
JODIE: (frustrated) You see? They're, like, the gazillionth people who've done that to me today. This is exactly what I didn't want.
MACK: (smiling. sympathetic) Recognition?
JODIE: Pity. Weird behavior. People suddenly don't know how to act around me. I'm not Jodie Landon, Honor Student, I'm "that poor girl." (rolls her eyes.) Well they can save their pity. I don't care.
MACK: Well hey, at least that means they're noticing, right?? Didn't you once tell me you wished people could understand how hard it was to be Miss Perfect African-American Student?
JODIE: Yes, but what good is it gonna do me? It won't change the fact that I'm black and most of the people here are white.
MACK: You don't think so, huh? (with unusual vehemence.) Well maybe it'll make people think twice before telling a racist joke or saying something that could be offensive. (Bt) I don't know about you, but I get sick of having to defend myself all the time. Like when people call me "Oreo," or when I have to expain my feelings about "The Boondocks." And I'm sick of laughing good-naturedly everytime someone like Kevin jokes that black men can only be good at sports. Hell, if this opens their eyes just a little, that's great by me.
(Pause. Jodie absorbs this, gets an acknowledging look on her face.)
JODIE: Yeah. (Bt) But what if the opposite happens?
(Cut to shot of Jane and Daria sitting in the center seats of the center row.)
JANE: (looking offscreen) Hey! Jodie's back.
DARIA: (also looking) Yeah. And just in time for the P.C. Jamboree.
JANE: (faux scolding) Now, now... it's an assembly to promote cultural awareness.
DARIA: (deadpan) Let's see if it makes me aware of anything besides the minutes it's making me spend that I can never have back.
(Jane raises a brow. Cut to shot of the stage. We see Ms. Li advancing to the podium, while several of the teachers sit in chairs onstage, a la "Esteemsters.")
MS. LI: Good morning, students! It's come to my attention that a teeeeeeerrible misconception about our school has surfaced. That this is an institution of conformity and lack of tolerance, instead of the bastion of diverse backgrounds and experiences we know it to be. Right? (looks over at the teachers -- they don't say anything. taps her shoe, glares at them.) I said right??!
TEACHERS: Oh yes!/ Definitely!/ Of course!!
MS. LI: So we've decided it's high-time to let the world know just how diverse we really are. To start, I've made up a list of do's and don't's that will promote raaaaaacial sensitivity.
(Cut to shot of the audience. Teachers standing in the aisles begin passing out sheets of paper to each student in the rows. Cut to shot of Jodie and Mack, looking them over.)
MACK: (reading) "Do not call minorities 'colored people.' Call them 'people of color.'" (A slightly confused expression crosses his face. Then he shrugs a "works for me.")
(Cut to shot of Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy.)
STACY: (reading) "Only under certain circumstances is it okay to call someone descended from Central or South America 'Hispanic,' 'Chicano,' or 'Latino.'" (Bt. gets a freaked-out look on her face.) Which circumstances?!
(Cut to shot of Jane and Daria.)
JANE: Hey, they even threw in a few lines about us socially-challenged folks. You're "cranially endowed," and I have a "uniquely visual outlook."
(Resume shot of the stage. DeMartino leaps up out of his chair and bolts over to the podium.)
DeMARTINO: And if any of you MIScreants dares to spout a possibly INSENSITIVE remark, AUTOMATIC SUSPENSION!!
MS. LI: Yes, under the new "zero tolerance" policy. (eyes DeMartino.) And that goes for instructors as well.
(Beat)
DeMARTINO: (confused) What do you... ? (Then it sinks in.) Aw, come ON, Ms. Li! You can't expect ME to keep my mouth shut --!
MS. LI: Take your seat, Mr. DeMartino.
(Cut to shot of Sandi. During the commotion that ensues, she and her several hangers-on look at the list.)
SANDI: (smirking) Fat people are called "gravitationally endowed"?? Excuse me, but I don't think so.
(She starts chuckling, as do some other people. Cut to shot of Jodie. She picks up on the chuckling and turns to look, her eyes narrowing.)
MS. LI: (offscreen) Well now that that's settled, let us give a hearty round of applause for Ms. Brittany Taylor as she performs a diversity cheer she wrote all by herself --
(cut to:)
SCENE 9 (O'Neill's class, the next day)
(Shot of the classroom as seen from the outside. Cut to shot of the inside: all of the desks are arranged in a large circle, with O'Neill sitting directly across from Jodie. Jodie's got her arms crossed and wears a "Why me?" expression. The other students look at her, either with interest or indifference.)
O'NEILL: (touchy-feely) I, for one, cherish this opportunity to foster closer relations between most of us who are white, and our brothers and sisters of color.
DARIA: (deadpan) I always felt like I never knew enough purple people.
(Jodie, in spite of her discomfort, can't keep from chuckling. Other students follow suit.)
O'NEILL: (hand to his mouth. concerned) Oh my... class, this isn't a laughing matter. Jodie first helped bring this disturbing issue to the fore, and we should thank her for showing courage and conviction. I plan to do so by keeping diversity alive not just through the right words and books, but through caring.
(Several wary glances are exchanged.)
O'NEILL: (oblivious) The assembly yesterday kicked off a nonstop care-athon which I'm going to oversee! Let's honor it by joining hands. Let the oneness flow through our veins!
(At the word "oneness," people again start cracking up.)
JANE: (wicked) Will there be singing?
ANDREA: No way.
(After some resistance, the students start to link up. One look from Daria, and Kevin knows better than to offer her his hand.)
O'NEILL: And let us hear of Jodie Landon's tale of suffering.
JODIE: What?
O'NEILL: C' mon, Jodie, don't be afraid. Through your lawsuit against the school, you've shown the courage to come this far. (fist pump.) Now let us feel your pain. Let us know what you go through every day because of society's intolerance. (shudders dramatically.)
(long Pause. Jodie looks seriously bowled-over. On the one hand, she's skeptical of O'Neill's warm an' fuzzy approach [who wouldn't be?]. She's also reluctant to talk about stuff that could be painful or that could drive an even bigger wedge between her and other students. At the same time, this is a rare opportunity. Jodie looks like she's about to give in to it when, at the last minute, she rolls her eyes instead.)
JODIE: (frustrated) Mr. O'Neill, no offense, but you're acting as though I'm the only member of an oppressed minority group. But there are lots of people in this room who are.
O'NEILL: Hmm... an interesting observation.
JODIE: Like yourself. (Bt) The Irish were oppressed for centuries because of their culture and religion. People even called them black.
(Beat)
O'NEILL: (stunned) Why... why yes. That's true. (sniffles, tears up a little.) I never thought anyone would take my heritage seriously. Damn those unfeeling potato jokes! (sniff, sniff.)
JANE: Um, do you need a minute alone?
O'NEILL: No, no, I'm fine. (takes a deep breath.) But it feels so much better knowing someone understands my inner sorrow. Which is why, Jodie, you mustn't be afraid to speak out and reveal your pain to all of us.
(Again Jodie hesitates.)
BRITTANY: Yeah, come on, Jodie!
OTHER STUDENTS: Yeah...
(Jodie gets a slightly more receptive look on her face.)
JODIE: Well, I... (interrupted by the P.A.)
MS. LI: (stern) Saaaaaaaandra Griffin, report to my office immediately.
(Cut to shot of the students in Mr. Phelps's class. Quinn was writing out a problem on the blackboard, but is now looking at Sandi, along with Stacy, Tiffany, and the rest of the class. All are stunned by the ferocity in their principal's tone.)
OTHER STUDENTS: (teasing) Oooooooooh...
PHELPS: (dryly amused) My heavens, Ms. Griffin, she sounds in desperate need of your company.
SANDI: (smirking with bravado) She probably needs more makeover tips. I'd better go help her.
(She stands with a little uneasiness and heads toward the door. Quinn watches her, until she feels her teacher tapping her on the shoulder.)
PHELPS: (gently firm) Eyes on the blackboard, Ms. Morgendorffer.
(Quinn frowns a little and turns away. When she glances back, Sandi's gone.)
(Cut to shot of the students in Mr. O'Neill's class. Jodie smiles with secret satisfaction and relief, and continues with what she was saying.)
[Shot of Andrew Landon drop-kicking the offending note.]
You are now entering SUPER BOWL commercial HELL!!!!!! Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest, most EXPENSIVE commercials put on television.
All right, I know this is a little dated, but oh well. There were far too many e-this and dot-com-that commercials, along with Budweiser and Charles Schwab. However, there were several that stood out in my mind, and I've gone to the trouble to rate them on a scale of 0 to 10, 10 being the best.
Kickoff... one man grabs the ball. Another man tackles him. After these exhilirating 10 seconds, we cut to another commercial...
You are now leaving SUPER BOWL commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?