This is the ninth fic in my chronology. It follows
Now brace yourselves: I've given my continuum a NAME. But I'm going to force you to read through this fanfic before learning what it is. :-)
Consider this the third of my three "competitive chick" fics. The first two, of course, were "Andrea Speaks!" and "Cheered Down."
I'd give it a 2S... not as long as "None in the Family, Part Two"! And although it's sort of dark, it's not as heavy, either...
And last but not least, I must apologize: I'd drafted this fic prior to the airing of "Jane's Addition," and couldn't figure out how to work in a reference to her new beau, Tom. But I will in future fanfics. Just assume that for now, he's hovering in the background somewhere. Tom Griffin appears briefly, though.
Oh, and if I didn't say so before... enjoy!!
Ten Spot Promo: The one where the woman's running in the woods. She falls, turns on the tape recorder thingy, then gets up and runs off. Yeah, I know I've used this before, but MTV reuses its Ten Spot promos, so what the hey...
[intro theme music...................]
SCENE 1 (Lawndale High)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane and Daria standing in the hallway by their lockers. It's after third period, and students are milling about everywhere. Suddenly, from off screen overhead: )
MS. LI: Attention all students --
JANE: (to Daria) Eureka! She found the P.A.
DARIA: (deadpan) So those drug-sniffing dogs are good for something.
MS. LI: I would like to make a brief little announcement.
(Daria and Jane roll their eyes, knowing the announcement will be anything but brief.)
MS. LI: First, I would like to say once again how deeeeply upset I am about Dean McBale's little grade-changing enterprise. I was never so shocked in my life --
JANE: "Shocked?"
DARIA: Then she was the only one.
MS. LI: -- when I found out. But let's hope the student body president that succeeds him will do a better job upholding the honor of Laaaaaaaawndale High. And with that said, let me read out the names of the nominees...
(Beat. Daria and Jane exchange wary glances.)
JANE: Not another election. [*] see "Andrea Speaks!"
DARIA: Weren't you awake when we picked the nominees second period?
JANE: When have I ever been awake before third period?
DARIA: Point taken.
MS. LI: These students represent the top two vote-grabbers of the student body, the ones --
(Jodie walks up to Daria and Jane.)
JODIE: Hey, you guys.
DARIA & JANE: Hey.
JANE: (to Jodie) This election thing must have you pretty excited.
JODIE: Why?
MS. LI: -- for the good of democracy and -- oh blah, blah, blah. Anyhow, the first of our top nominees is (Pause) Sandra Griffin...
(Daria and Jane look at each other and cringe.)
MS. LI: And our second nominee is (long Pause) er... um... (disbelief) Jane... Lane??
(Daria and Jodie get expressions of shock.)
JANE: (calm) Whoa, Jodie, you weren't nominated??
MS. LI: (muttering) Dammit, they must have put her name instead of Jodie Landon's by mistake...
DARIA: (to Jane. deadpan) Perhaps it's escaped your attention that you were.
JANE: Hmm, yeah, so I was. (Pause. it sinks in.) Whoa! How the hell did that happen??!
(Just then, Brittany and Kevin walk on screen, Brittany wearing her cheerleader's uniform once again.)
KEVIN: (goofy cheerful) Brit and I nominated you.
BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful) An' I got all the cheerleaders to vote for you!
DARIA: Somehow I knew there was a mental error behind this.
JANE: (to Brittany and Kevin. dry) And why me of all people?
KEVIN: Well duh! Our teacher said to nominate someone good at the art of governing.
BRITTANY: And no one's better at art than you are, Jane!
JANE: I had to ask.
BRITTANY: Ooh, I could make up a cheer for you! (Bt) Give me a J, give me an A, give me an --
JANE: (trying to get rid of them) Oh look -- talent scouts for football and supermodeling way over there. (points into the distance.)
BRITTANY & KEVIN: Ooh! (they run off.)
(Jane exhales with relief. She then sees Daria smirking.)
JANE: I hate you.
(Jodie chuckles, obviously finding humor in the situation as well. Jane turns to her.)
JANE: So, Jodie, you still haven't answered my question: why aren't you running??
DARIA: And if you say you weren't nominated, just remember: in some states it's a felony for your nose to be more than twelve inches long.
JODIE: (rolling her eyes amusedly) I was nominated. But I turned it down.
DARIA & JANE: Why??
(Beat)
JODIE: Look you guys, I've got a lot to handle already, what with my other activities and being vice-president...
DARIA: (sardonic) Oh yeah. Vice-president's an important office.
JANE: The highest office one can occupy without doing any real work.
(Jodie rolls her eyes again, this time looking sort of annoyed.)
JODIE: For your information, the vice-president has loads of responsibilities -- and my most important one's to keep the president in line.
(Jane and Daria glance at each other. Neither is completely satisfied with Jodie's response, but they know better than to press.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Pizza King, that afternoon)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting in a booth, eating. Off screen, we hear the sounds of Brittany practicing a cheer.)
BRITTANY: Give me a J! Give me an A! Give me an... um, an I...!
(Jane tosses her hands in the air with exasperation.)
JANE: Would she just stop already?! When I'm president, the first thing to go will be cheerleaders and their incessant feel-good prattle.
DARIA: Not even president yet, and already you're planning your first genocide.
JANE: (smirking) I like to think big. (Pause. sighs, comes back to reality.) So, um, when Sandi's president, you think there'll be many changes in the way the school's run?
DARIA: (sardonic) Uh-huh. And all for the better. (Bt) I know I'm looking forward to "A Century of 'Waif'" becoming a course in our curriculum.
JANE: And to moving down to the basement, where all the unpopular and unattractive people will be separated from their social superiors.
DARIA: (smirking) That's nothing compared to what she'll do to the Fashion Club.
JANE: (wicked) Ah yes, I can see it now. Quinn and them will be made into Sandi's personal slaves, forced to kneel on the ground and kiss her Gucci sandals whenever she passes by -- in the process, messing up their hair, make-up, and cute little bondage gowns.
(As Daria smirks and readies a reply, we see Jodie walking over to them.)
JODIE: Hi guys. Talking about Jane's campaign?
DARIA: Wow. Two Jodie encounters in a single day.
JANE: What's the occasion?
JODIE: (good-naturedly) Knock it off.
(Beat)
JANE: We're just envisioning life under the Griffin administration.
JODIE: (surprised) You don't think you could be president, Jane?
(Beat)
JANE: (rolling her eyes) Aw c'mon, Jodie, look at me. These designer threads and holes in my ears scream "weirdo."
DARIA: (to Jodie) You've now entered Outcast Central. Population: no one who'd be here if they had a choice.
JANE: And no one's gonna elect an outcast president.
DARIA: Not that we'd want to be president in the first place.
JODIE: What do you mean?
JANE: (puzzled) Yeah, what do you mean?
(Beat)
DARIA: (to Jodie) I mean we outcasts have a hard and fast rule against joining mainstream student activities. No sports. No clubs. No corruption, no incrimination. We may be pathetic, but at least we have our integrity.
JODIE: (cocking a brow) Is that what you think, Jane?
(Jane shrugs.)
JANE: (sheepish) Well... I did get burned when I was on the track team last year. Better if I just let my candidacy fade into the sunset.
(Beat)
JODIE: I'm sorry you feel that way -- 'cause I was gonna offer you some campaign strategies.
JANE: (pleasant) Thanks but no thanks. Why don't you take your can-do attitude to another poor sap who needs it?
(Jodie shrugs, looking vaguely disappointed.)
JODIE: If that's how you feel. (Bt) See you guys later. (she leaves.)
DARIA & JANE: Bye.
(Beat)
DARIA: So with that, we allow Sandi Griffin, Ms. Popularity, her easy ascension to the throne.
JANE: Now even if I were going to run, would that outcome have changed? (Bt. sort of bitter) Boy, I can just see Sandi's smug little face as she plots her first official abuses of power...
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Griffin residence, evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of Sandi.)
SANDI: There's no way I'm running for president!
(Cut to wider shot of the Griffins doing fondue in the dining room. Sandi's sitting across from Linda at one end of the table, while Tom, Sam, and Chris sit at the other end. Tom's struggling to prevent Sam and Chris from gouging each other's eyes out with their fondue forks. Meanwhile, Sandi and Linda talk as though they're the only ones in the room.)
LINDA: (cocking a brow) Now Sandi, that's loser-talk. I didn't raise you to be a loser, did I?
(Sandi slumps forward and swirls her stick in the fondue, a sulky expression on her face.) SANDI: No. (Bt) But if I run for president, everyone'll, like, think I'm some kind of student. Like I care about the school, or something.
LINDA: Sandi, must I remind you to keep your focus on the big picture?
SANDI: What big picture??
(Linda sighs sharply, as if the answer is obvious.)
LINDA: That you could gain a lot of influence at your school. And make contacts that could jump-start your future career.
(Beat)
SANDI: (rolling her eyes. haughty) Contacts? In high school??
(Beat)
LINDA: (annoyed -- Sandi has a point) Or being president would light up your college resume. And let's face it: it could use help. A lot of it.
(Sandi absorbs this comment with a resentful sneer.)
LINDA: Do you think I got where I am today by shirking opportunities like this?
SANDI: You mean from news anchor to marketing V.P.?
(Pause. Linda's eyes narrow slightly. Sandi knows she's hit a sore spot, but she's too irritated to enjoy her brief advantage. Continues to sit there with a sulky expression. Meanwhile Tom's extracted himself long enough from Sam and Chris's feud to catch part of the dialogue. He tries to be of some help.)
TOM: You know, when I was in high school --
LINDA: Tom? Did I say you could be a part of this conversation?
TOM: (chuckling uneasily) Well no, but I just assumed --
LINDA: Don't bother to assume, because when you do, you're wrong. Better to just let me do the assuming for the both of us, hmm'kay?
(Beat. Tom wilts.)
TOM: Fine.
LINDA: Good. (turns back to Sandi, cool and triumphant once again after the reprimand.) And as for you, Sandi --
SANDI: (in no mood for a lecture) Look, Mother, even if I do nothing for this stupid election, I'll probably win by a landslide. I'm up against some loser-freak nobody.
LINDA: Sandi, what did I just say about assuming? Complacency can lead to ruin. (Bt) If you hadn't been so complacent about being president of the Fashion Club, you wouldn't've --
SANDI: (looking slightly wounded) But I wasn't! I was just being nice to that stupid Quinn Morgendorffer because she fell off the stupid pyramid. How was I s'posed to know they'd make her president after I let her back in?? [*] see "Cheered Down"
LINDA: That's exactly my point. You weren't ready for her, and she got you. And you still haven't recovered from your fall, have you?
SANDI: (glaring) I would have if they'd've let me form another fashion club...
LINDA: There's no point in dreaming about the past. If you want to avoid that kind of humiliation a second time, you'd better get on the ball and work to secure your victory. Otherwise, who can predict the self-esteem spiral you could g--
SANDI: All right, Mom.
LINDA: And let me remind you again that I didn't raise you to be a quitter --
SANDI: I know. (Bt) God, you give me, like, this same speech every freaking week.
(Beat. Linda cocks a warning eyebrow -- "Strike two." Sam and Chris stop what they're doing, recognizing these warning signs, and start pointing and laughing at Sandi. Sandi rolls her eyes.)
SANDI: (coolly) You know what?? I think I'll go upstairs an' make some phone calls now. To help jump start my campaign.
(As she stands up, she sees Linda nod with approval.)
SANDI: It's been real. (she leaves.)
(Pause. Linda watches her go, then gets a calculating look on her face.)
LINDA: Hmmm...
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, a couple of days later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of a poster of Sandi. She's posed in a way that one can't help but call "seductive," above a caption that reads: "How Can You Resist? Vote Sandi Griffin for president." Cut to a wider shot -- we see that the poster is one of many to line the walls of the hallway. Several people are staring at them, including Daria and Jane.)
JANE: (shaking her head. hushed) The girl works fast, I'll give her that.
DARIA: (deadpan) And if she puts as much effort into governing as she did into choosing a photogenic eyeliner, she'll be the best president this school's ever known.
JANE: Or ever will know.
(We then hear Sandi's voice from off screen, and see her stride past Daria and Jane without so much as acknowledging them. She's too busy being admired by an entourage of students. Pan shot to follow her.)
SANDI: (in the midst of answering someone's question) ... Of course there'll be parties every Friday. There has to be something worthwhile at this school.
MALE STUDENT: Will there be swimsuit models at these parties?
(Beat)
SANDI: I'll see what I can do.
(Sandi stops at her locker, and the group forms a circle around her. As she continues to talk, we see Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy creep up and stand on the sidelines. Tiffany and Stacy look awed, Quinn steamed.)
TIFFANY: (hushed) Wow...
STACY: Real-live swimsuit models...
(Beat)
QUINN: (irritated) Oh come on, you don't honestly believe she can do that, do you??
(Pause)
STACY: (shrugs her shoulders. admitting) I guess not.
(Beat)
TIFFANY: But it'll still be really cool if Sandi becomes president.
QUINN: Why, Tiffany??
TIFFANY: (vague surprise) 'Cause she could do a lot of big favors for us.
(Beat)
QUINN: (trying to be patient, but there's an edge in her voice) Why would she want to do us any favors?? Sandi hates us, remember??
(Tiffany and Stacy both exchange doubtful looks.)
STACY: Oh... I don't think she hates us. I mean, just because she hasn't talked to us in a month --
SANDI: (snotty tone) Um, excuse me: you three in the back --
(Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy turn to see Sandi giving them a freezing look.)
SANDI: -- could you, like, kindly shut your little traps while I'm talking?? This isn't, like, preschool.
(The comment is met with mild laughter from the crowd. Quinn's eyes narrow, while Tiffany and Stacy look surprised.)
QUINN: (dripping with faux graciousness) Oh, of course we will, Sandi.
STACY & TIFFANY: Yeah. We're sorry.
SANDI: Hmph, thank you. (tosses her hair. to the crowd.) Now as I was saying: another thing I'll try to do when I'm president is crack down on fashion phonies. (pointed glance at Quinn and the other F.C.'s.) You know -- people who tell you what you should wear when it, like, turns out to be totally wrong an' you end up looking like a freak...
(Other students glance at Quinn, who responds by gritting her teeth and walking away. Several of the male students watch her go with longing, and look as though they want to pursue, but Sandi's throat-clearing recaptures their attention. After a few seconds, Tiffany and Stacy follow Quinn. Pause.)
STACY: Hmm, I guess she does hate us.
TIFFANY: Yeah.
(Beat)
QUINN: She's just being a baby. Ever since she dropped out 'cause she could no longer be our president...
STACY: (wilted) Yeah.
(Beat. Quinn puts a hand to her forehead.)
QUINN: (semi-melodramatic) Oh God, she's probably already cooked up a scheme to get rid of us!
TIFFANY: Really?
STACY: (sounding worried) How?
QUINN: Who knows how?? Maybe by cutting our funding 'til the only place left we can afford to shop is (shudders) J.J. Jeeters.
TIFFANY: (horrified) Ugh!
STACY: (putting her face in her hands) Oh no, no!
TIFFANY: But if that's true, shouldn't we be trying to stay on Sandi's good side?
(Beat. Quinn stops in her tracks and spins around to face Tiffany.)
QUINN: (irritated) If you wanna suck up to Sandi, go right ahead. I've got other plans.
(She stalks off, leaving Tiffany and Stacy behind. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, still looking at Sandi's poster. Quinn comes over to them, stomps on the floor.)
QUINN: Dammit, Lane, you'd better win this election!
JANE: (sardonic) Whoa. We're on a last name basis, now, are we? To what do I owe --
QUINN: Don't make jokes -- this isn't funny! My whole future depends on whether you or Sandi gets elected.
DARIA: (deadpan) Hoping to ride the wave of nepotism to a cushy high-level position?
QUINN: (ignoring her. to Jane) You do realize that one word from "President Sandi" and the Fashion Club could be history, don't you??
JANE: (wicked delight) Yes, the thought had crossed my mind.
(Quinn glares at her.)
JANE: And sometimes, when life tosses you these kinds of lemons --
DARIA: (smirking) You just gotta suck them dry.
(Beat)
QUINN: (sarcastic) Gee, I'm glad you guys're so understanding. 'Cause if the Fashion Club splits up, I'm gonna have a lot of free time on my hands.
DARIA: Which you could use constructively.
JANE: Yeah -- like form a new club: "Fashion Club Anonymous." Where people learn to put aside their petty obsession with exterior qualities in order to focus on (dramatic pause) the beauty within.
DARIA: (deadpan) F.C.A.: helping fashion victims regain their sanity one day at a time.
(Quinn rolls her eyes.)
QUINN: Actually, I was thinking I could spend my free time giving makeovers to all the losers around me. (looks pointedly at Jane and Daria, who go pale.)
DARIA: You wouldn't.
QUINN: (smirking) Watch me.
(Beat)
JANE: (to Quinn) Okay, crazy thought: if you're so worried, why don't you run for president? You'd probably have a better shot than I would.
QUINN: (tossing her hands in the air) Are you kidding?? I turned it down. I have better things to do.
(Daria and Jane rolls their eyes at her illogic. Quinn gives up trying to appeal to them and walks away. Pause)
JANE: (peevish) That girl just drained all the fun out of my non-candidacy.
DARIA: Don't let her get to you. (Bt) Just imagine the hell we'll put her through when she tries to make us over.
JANE: (wicked) When she starts to do our hair -- diabetic seizure right on the ground.
DARIA: (smirking) That's the spirit. (Pause. sees that Jane has suddenly gone reflective.) Jane?
JANE: Yo.
DARIA: What're you doing?
(Beat)
JANE: I'm wondering how well people could "resist" Sandi if her posters got some facial hair and a few well-placed warts. And I'm imagining a bunch of my really cool art designs next to them.
DARIA: Art designs? (Bt. frowns) Wait, you're not thinking of running, are you?
(Jane shrugs.)
JANE: I dunno. (Bt) I mean, what would be so bad about it?
DARIA: For starters: the fact that no office is worth what you have to go through to get it. Sandi Griffin would eat you alive.
JANE: Nah she wouldn't -- too afraid of weight gain.
(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes, realizing it will be difficult to get through to Jane.)
DARIA: And as much as we joke about the president having so much power, when all's said and done, he's just an empty suit. Ms. Li runs the show at this school.
(Jane frowns and nods in agreement.)
DARIA: (continuing) Everyone knows that. About all the president can do is give perks to the cronies who elected him. (Bt) Sure, I'd like my own walk-in locker, but not if it means watching you get manipulated by the powers above.
(Pause)
JANE: (reflective) Yeah, I understand. (Bt) But maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe I could change things...
DARIA: (skeptical) Like how?
(Beat. Jane shrugs.)
JANE: I don't know. It was just a thought.
DARIA: Well if I were you, I'd think about something more plausible. Like manning the first space mission to Pluto.
(Pause. Jane heaves a sigh.)
JANE: (slightly peevish) You always know how to deliver that ray of sunshine just when I need it, don't you?
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 5 (Lane house, that evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane sitting at the kitchen table, sipping herbal tea. Off screen, we hear a loud, badly-played chord. Jane doesn't even flinch. We then see Trent waltz into the kitchen, guitar in hand, to make coffee.)
TRENT: Hey, Janey.
JANE: Hey. (Bt) Yo, Trent, could I have some advice?
TRENT: Advice? (Bt) I dunno. Advice sounds kind of... authoritarian.
(Jane rolls her eyes with amused exasperation.)
JANE: Not if you don't hold a gun to the person's head and force them to follow through.
(Beat)
TRENT: Hmm... good point. (Bt) Okay, what's up?
(Beat)
JANE: Well... some idiots put me in sort of a bind by nominating me for student body president.
(Trent cocks a coolly-impressed eyebrow.)
TRENT: Whoa, really?
JANE: (hushed, with disbelief) Yeah... really. (Bt) Who'd've thought, huh?
TRENT: President. Now that's real authority.
JANE: I'll say. (Bt) I mean, it's something I'd've never gone for on my own, but now that the opportunity's fallen into my lap...
(Beat)
TRENT: You're thinking you wanna go for it?
JANE: Um, yeah. (Bt) What d' you think?
TRENT: Hmmmmm....
(long Pause. Jane gets impatient waiting for him to respond.)
JANE: Daria doesn't think I should. She's given me a lot of good reasons not to run, but... I'm not so sure I want to consider them.
TRENT: Why not?
(Beat. Jane flushes a little with uncharacteristic embarrassment.)
JANE: (awkward) 'Cause I mean... why shouldn't I run? Isn't the student body president supposed to represent everybody? (Bt) I may not be as popular as the other girl who's running, but I did get nominated fair and square.
TRENT: Hmmm... good point. JANE: And Daria's a really great friend, but sometimes I think she takes her glass-half-empty philosophy too far.
TRENT: (looking reflective) Hmmm...
(Jane's so absorbed in her problem, she doesn't even realize she could've messed up the chance to pair Trent with Daria.)
JANE: (frustrated) Or maybe I'm just being stupid. (slight chuckle) Like I could put together a campaign that would actually beat Sandi Griffin. I'm not even the competitive type.
TRENT: True.
JANE: So... forget I said anything. (shakes her head.) Bad idea, Jane.
(Pause)
TRENT: Dunno. Maybe not so bad.
JANE: Really?
TRENT: Yeah. Why should you have to give up on a dream just 'cause some people say it's not meant to be? Man, if I'd listened to all the naysayers out there, I'd've never joined Mystik Spiral.
JANE: So --
TRENT: (going of on a self-indulgent rant) Instead I'd be wasting my life, wearing a straitjacket they call a "suit and tie," forced to listen to crappy elevator music every morning on the way up to my big office. Bitter. Angry. Ready to kill, ready t --
JANE: Trent.
(Beat)
TRENT: Sorry. (Bt) What I mean to say is if you wanna go for president, Janey, go for president. (Bt) Even if you're not as popular as the other girl, I'll bet you're just as smart. You've got as much to offer that school as anyone else.
(Jane smirks with gratitude.)
JANE: Thanks, Trent. It means a lot to hear you say that.
TRENT: Any time, Janey. (Pause. looks at the coffee label.) Dammit -- decaf. Who bought that? (Bt) Oh yeah, guess it was me. I'd better go buy some real stuff -- gonna pull an all-nighter. (Bt) See ya. (walks out of the kitchen.)
JANE: Later, Trent.
(Pause. Then Jane stands up and walks over to the phone. Hesitates before dialing, then lays it against her ear. Pause.)
JANE: Hi, Jodie? It's me, Jane. How'd you like to talk campaign strategy?
[Shot of Sandi walking past Jane and Daria with her entourage.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?