SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, late Sunday morning)
(Shot of outside. Cut to shot of Jake sitting on the center couch in the living room, surrounded by boxes of paper and other junk. He's scribbling things down on two separate note pads. We then see Daria approaching him from the kitchen, having come through the sliding glass door. She looks exhausted and there are bits of grass in her hair.)
DARIA: Okay, Dad, I mowed the lawn. Could I please go over to Jane's house, now?
JAKE: In a sec, kiddo. Lemme just inspect your work. (Bt) Hey, Daria, your middle name's "Marie"?
DARIA: That's news to me.
JAKE: There's so much I still have to learn about you girls...
(Beat)
DARIA: (seeing the boxes) What're you doing? Putting together an incriminating file on us?
JAKE: Ah-ha-ha, no! I'm just boning up some more by going through these boxes your mother'd stored away. (Bt) Hey, you wanna see yourself in a sailor costume?
DARIA: Um, I'll pass. (Bt) So anyway, Dad, about the lawn --
(Suddenly we hear Quinn bounding down the stairs. She runs over and stands next to Jake.)
QUINN: Okay, Daddy, I've finished my algebra homework!
JAKE: Hi Quinn Louise Morgendorffer.
QUINN: Huh?
JAKE: Aw nothin'. (Bt) Sit down, both of you.
(Quinn and Daria glance at each other, then sit reluctantly on the left hand couch.)
QUINN: Um, Dad, could you make this quick? I wanna head over to Stacy's.
JAKE: We'll get to that in a minute, sweetheart. But first, I want to talk with you about what went on last night.
(Beat. Daria and Quinn nod slowly.)
JAKE: (looking sheepish) I feel like I came down a little hard on you.
DARIA: That surprise dust inspection at midnight was rather excessive.
JAKE: And I don't always want to act that way. I want our father-daughter relationship to be based on respect, which is why I decided that setting down a few basic ground rules would be better than me having to yell at you a lot.
DARIA: Sounds fair.
QUINN: Uh-huh.
JAKE: Glad you feel that way -- 'cause I've already written them down!
(He holds out one of the notepads and leafs through several pages, revealing countless rules on each page. Daria and Quinn look at them, their eyes widening.)
JAKE: Now if you follow them accordingly, our house should be a much nicer place.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) So you say. And just what are these rules?
JAKE: Here, lemme read them out to you. (Pause. flips to the first page.) Rule number One: "no back talking." Think of how smoothly things'd go if you just said "yes Dad," or "no thank you, Dad."
(Quinn glances stealthily at Daria and smirks.)
DARIA: (sardonic) Oh sure, Dad.
JAKE: (pleased) See -- that wasn't so hard, was it?? (Bt) Rule number Two: no talking on the phone after seven p.m.
QUINN: (look of horror) Hgh!
(Daria smirks at her.)
JAKE: That clears the rest of the evening for "family time." We can catch up on old home movies!
(Now Daria groans.)
JAKE: And lemme just shoot through the rest of this list. (reading) No fighting, no swearing, no using spoons for weapons... no dallying, no wasting water --
DARIA: Are we relocating to a convent?
JAKE: Now, kiddo, do I hear you breaking Rule One?
(Daria suppresses the urge to roll her eyes.)
DARIA: No. I'm just commenting on the orderliness of your list.
JAKE: Well thanks! (Bt. reading) No crossing your eyes, no thinking bad thoughts --
DARIA: But, um, Dad, if I may express myself in an attitude-free manner: I don't see where the idea of mutual respect comes in.
(Beat)
JAKE: (puzzled) What d' you mean? Your following the rules shows that you respect me, and my leaving you alone because of it shows I respect you.
DARIA: Um, Dad, I believe you might be confusing --
QUINN: (rushed) Well, um, your rules sound really fun, Dad, an' I'd love to hear more, but I have to get to Stacy's. (starts to stand up.)
JAKE: Not so fast, sweetie. Sit down.
(Quinn sits, looking frustrated.)
QUINN: But Daddy --!
JAKE: And no breaking Rule One. (Bt) Now Quinn, I got a look at your room today, an' found out you cleaned all your clothes off the floor by dumping them under the bed.
DARIA: (to Quinn. surprised) You?
QUINN: (shrugging) They were last season's.
JAKE: And that's a direct violation of Rule number One-hundred and Six: no leaving things to gather dust balls.
(Beat)
QUINN: (rolling her eyes) Okay, okay, I'll pick them up.
JAKE: Sorry, sweetie, too late. 'Fraid I'm gonna have to make an example of you. (Bt) You're grounded.
QUINN: What?!
DARIA: You're grounding her for breaking a rule she didn't even know about?
JAKE: Daria, do I hear you breaking Rule One?
DARIA: Look, Dad --
JAKE: Ah-ha, I do! (shoulders sag a little, gets a frustrated expression.) Dammit, girls, don't you see how hard I'm trying?? All I want is to instill a little discipline around here, get treated with a little respect --
DARIA: We understand, Dad. But there are other ways to go about --
JAKE: That's strike three, Daria, and you're out. You're grounded, too.
DARIA: What??
QUINN: Daddy, you're not being fair!
JAKE: (eyes bulging) Not fair? Not fair?! This whole rules list is about me trying to be fair! And you don't care anything about it -- that's what's not fair!! Boy, I bet Howard Barksdale never got this kind of response from his daughters!
(Beat)
DARIA: (annoyed) That depends. Did he resort to Nazi tactics, too?
JAKE: Gah dammit, Daria, you're double-grounded!
DARIA: What about a trial?
JAKE: No trials, nothing. Go upstairs!
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: Fine. (Bt) C'mon, Quinn, let's go up to my room. I'll teach you how to play the harmonica. [*] see "The Big House"
(They stand up and walk away. Jake slowly lays down his rules list, looking remorseful. On the way up the stairs, when she's out of earshot: )
DARIA: (hushed) I doubt even Grandpa Barksdale was this bad...
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 2 (Barksdale house, that afternoon)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Grandma Barksdale, Rita, and Amy seated in the living room. Grandma Barksdale's flipping through a seed catalogue, while Rita fiddles with the newspaper crosswords and Amy reads a book.)
GRANDMA: (glancing up from the catalogue) You know I must say: in spite of the situation, I rather like seeing all of you girls at home, again.
RITA & AMY: (without looking up) Mmm-hmm...
(Just then, we see Helen coming toward them from the stairs. She's dressed casually and looks a little out of it, having just woken up a short time ago.)
GRANDMA: (to Helen) Hello, sweetheart. Feeling better?
(Helen sinks into her usual chair.)
HELEN: Uh-huh.
GRANDMA: Good. Nothing like a good long rest to bring one back to one's senses.
(Beat)
HELEN: I guess. (looks sort of depressed.)
GRANDMA: So do you finally see how silly you're behaving?
(Beat)
HELEN: (surprised) Silly? What do you mean?
GRANDMA: I mean getting yourself all in a fuss just because your husband called you a name.
RITA: Yeah, Helen.
(Helen looks at them, her face growing tense. Amy glances up from her book, cocking an amused brow because she knows this won't get anywhere.)
GRANDMA: Married people do from time to time. Certainly your father and I...
RITA: I call my boyfriends names all the time.
GRANDMA: The point is, a name or two is no reason to jeopardize twenty-three years of marriage. Even if the man you're married to... (wrinkles her nose) leaves something to be desired.
(Pause. Helen looks at her for a few seconds, dumbfounded. Then she smirk-sneers.)
HELEN: (sarcastic) Well thank you, Mother, Rita. Listening to you has brought me back to my senses, all right. It's reminded me of why I got angry in the first place.
(Rita and Grandma Barksdale roll their eyes. Amy smirks.)
HELEN: Excuse me for thinking that in a marriage, both members of the couple deserve respect. (Bt) I've always tried to keep the lines of communication open between me and Jake, and --
(The sound of muffled chuckling can be heard from Amy. Helen frowns at her.)
HELEN: What, Amy??
(Beat)
AMY: Oh, um, nothing. I just reached a funny part.
(Helen groans.)
GRANDMA: Well now, Helen, let's consider what you just said. Open lines of communication. (Bt) So why don't you call your husband and talk to him?
(Pause)
HELEN: (sulky) He'll just hang up on me.
GRANDMA: Are you sure?
(Beat)
HELEN: Yes -- he's already done it once. (Bt) He thinks I'm some horrible, oppressive meany. You heard him yesterday.
(Pause. Grandma Barksdale and Rita glance at each other and nod slowly.)
HELEN: But what I'm wondering is why hasn't he mentioned this before? It's not as though he never had the opportunity --
(Again a muffled sound from Amy. Grandma Barksdale, Helen, and Rita glare at her.)
HELEN: (sarcastic) Oh excuse me, Amy. I hope I'm not disturbing you with my talking.
(Amy lowers her book.)
AMY: What?
HELEN: (waving a hand) No-no-no, you just go back to your reading. We'll try to keep it down.
(Pause. Amy slowly lays her book aside.)
AMY: What are you implying, Helen?
HELEN: (laughing a little with irritation) Implying? Why nothing at all, I assure you.
AMY: You don't really want to know what I think.
HELEN: No. But you're talking, so you might as well tell me.
(Beat)
AMY: All right. (Bt) I think Jake'd been feeling resentful toward you for a long time, but was too afraid to say anything. Seeing Dad's army photos reminded him of what it was like to have a spine, and that was all he needed.
(Beat. Helen frowns with bewilderment.)
HELEN: Afraid? Of me??
RITA: (surprised) So Dad's behind this?
HELEN: Why would he be afraid??
AMY: (rolling her eyes) Ask yourself that, Helen. (Bt) Who wouldn't be intimidated by a hard-driving, take-charge perfectionist? Who never likes to admit when she's wrong?
HELEN: I admit when I'm wrong!
AMY: (smirking) Do you?
(Pause. Helen glares at her.)
HELEN: How would you know, Amy?? You were only at our house that one weekend.
AMY: True. (Bt) But I did grow up with you.
HELEN: Ooh, and how very sure of yourself you are for someone who was barely out of diapers by the time I reached high school.
(Grandma Barksdale and Rita look at each other.)
GRANDMA: (to Helen and Amy. firm) Girls, let's bring this little discussion to an end.
AMY: (to Helen) You asked me what I thought, so I told you. That's all I have to say on the subject. (reaches over to pick up her book.)
(Beat)
HELEN: "That's all I have to say on the subject." (Bt) Listen to her! She can just close off a conversation whenever she wants.
GRANDMA: (warning) Helen...
HELEN: As long as she comes out on top.
(Amy sets down her book again.)
AMY: (irritation creeping in) Now aren't you being a little presumptuous, Helen?
GRANDMA: Yes, Helen. And you, too, Amy. Arguing like this isn't going to help anything.
HELEN: (to Grandma and Rita) Well doesn't it annoy you that she never talks unless it's to say something insulting?
(Beat)
RITA: (irritation creeping in) Yes. It does, actually.
(Beat. Helen blinks, surprised that for once they agree on something. Grandma Barksdale groans softly.)
AMY: You know, I'm getting a little tired of hearing what a self-centered bitch I am.
HELEN: (slightly placated) Well look, Amy, would it hurt you to talk to us honestly every once in a while?
RITA: Yeah. Act like we're worth your time.
AMY: (coolly) You're worth my time. But am I worth yours is the real question.
HELEN: Of course you are!
RITA: Oh give it up, Helen, she won't believe you. She thinks everyone's against her.
GRANDMA: (to herself. hushed) Everyone except Eleanor, that is.
RITA: (picking it up) Yes, Aunt Ellie.
AMY: (eyes narrowing) You leave her out of this.
RITA: (coolly) Too bad she's dead. Now you're stuck with us.
HELEN: (cautioning) Rita...
(Rita frowns at Helen, annoyed that she's dropped off the offensive and left her to look like the jerk. Amy, meanwhile, has been pushed over the edge by Rita's last words. Glowering, she stands up with the intention of leaving the room. Grandma Barksdale motions to her.)
GRANDMA: Boo-boo, stop. Sit back down.
(The nickname has a pacifying effect on Amy. She pauses, then finally sinks down onto the couch, still looking angry.)
HELEN: (to Amy) Look, we'll stop harassing you, all right? If you promise to lay off the cutting remarks.
(She looks pointedly at Rita, who takes her time before nodding in agreement. Amy pauses to consider. Then the anger fades from her face, and she cocks a resigned eyebrow.)
AMY: All right. (Bt) At least for the afternoon.
GRANDMA: Well I'm glad that's settled.
HELEN: Me, too. Except for one thing. (Bt) We've been spending an awful lot of time talking about my problems, and I could use a break. (looks pointedly at Amy.) What say we give someone else's a try?
(Pause. Grandma Barksdale and Rita look at Amy inquisitively. Amy sighs and lowers her eyes.)
AMY: (uneasy) Look, it's not that I have something against any of you. It's just... I really did give the gist of my problems yesterday. (Bt) Any more wallowing in the details would make me really... uncomfortable.
(Pause)
GRANDMA: Well perhaps you could tell us what this mystery man of yours was like. (Bt) Rita and I have only just heard of him.
(Pause)
AMY: I guess I could do that much.
(Beat)
HELEN: And besides -- you told me that it takes two to freeze a relationship. (Bt) So far, you've given his side of the story behind your break-up. What's yours?
(Pause. Amy looks rather startled by Helen's words.)
AMY: My side?? (Pause) I guess I haven't told you my side, yet... have I?
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, at that same time)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria walking into Jake and Helen's room. In the distance, we hear the sounds of a harmonica playing. Daria looks at Jake off screen, wearing her usual deadpan expression.)
DARIA: The prisoner requests permission to speak.
(Pause. Pan over to show Jake sitting Indian-style on the floor beside Helen's closet. He appears to have been putting back the old boxes, but is now just sitting there, gazing at Helen's business suits.)
JAKE: Um... yeah, kiddo. Permission granted.
(Daria walks over to him.)
DARIA: You never specified the terms of our grounding. Are we barred from the phone, not allowed to see friends, or locked in our rooms 'til we shrivel up and die?
(Pause)
JAKE: (only marginally enthused) Oh, um... whatever feels best for you.
(Beat)
DARIA: What're you doing?
(Beat)
JAKE: I'm just... watching over your mother's business suits. They just look so lonely, hanging here all by themselves.
DARIA: Well she'll have to reclaim them eventually -- unless she plans to only work on "casual dress" days.
(Jake manages a hint of a smirk at Daria's remark. Then he just looks depressed.)
DARIA: Dad? (Bt) Are you sure you're up for this whole authoritative parent approach?
JAKE: What d' you mean? And was that another violation of Rule One?
DARIA: (shrugging) Maybe. (Bt) I mean assigning us these rules, expecting us to just obey you, no questions asked.
(Beat)
JAKE: Well sure I'm up for the challenge. (bristling a little) I'm no worse at parenting than the next guy! It'll take me some time to adjust to this new firm hand approach, but once I do, I'll be a really great father to you girls.
DARIA: But who says Quinn and I want that type of father?
JAKE: Well gee, who wouldn't?? I mean I've heard your mom talk about how firm your grandfather used to be, and people love him!
DARIA: I thought you didn't support Grandpa Morgendorffer's approach to parenting.
JAKE: No, no, sweetie, you're confused. You mean Grandpa Barksdale.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Do I?
(Beat)
JAKE: Now I'm confused.
DARIA: What I'm saying is that it seems like both my grandfathers took the harsh approach when it came to raising their kids. What makes you think that what failed so miserably on you would work on us?
(Beat)
JAKE: (depressed) But your Grandpa Barksdale made it work.
DARIA: Well... I don't know much of his story. (Bt) But in our case: I'd prefer it if you tried to reason with us instead of giving orders.
(Beat. Jake slumps over, looking sort of defeated. Daria sees this.)
DARIA: Don't take that as a sign of failure. (Bt) You're moving in the right direction by taking the time to learn about our lives.
JAKE: (brightening a little) You mean it, kiddo?
DARIA: Yeah. (Bt. cocks and eyelid) And while your Il Duce turn hasn't been too pleasing, I'll admit that we could use a little discipline now and then. As long as the "now" is very far apart from the "then."
(Beat)
JAKE: So you think I'm becoming a better father??
DARIA: (smirking) Don't let this get around, but I think you're making more progress this weekend than in the last seventeen years combined.
JAKE: Wow! That's great! (Bt) Aw, kiddo... (reaches over and hugs her legs.)
DARIA: Uh...
JAKE: (releasing her abruptly) Wait'll I tell your mother!
DARIA: (eyes widening with relief) So you'll finally talk to Mom??
JAKE: Well sure, why n--? (suddenly slumps over.) Naw, I can't.
DARIA: Why not??
(Beat)
JAKE: Don't you see, kiddo? I'm doing fine when she's not around, but the minute she gets back it'll be "Jake, I'm on it, go read your newspaper."
DARIA: So what if you told her you'd learned to handle responsibility? Isn't that why you separated in the first place?
JAKE: Well, yeah... but I don't know if I could tell her.
DARIA: You spoke your mind pretty well at Grandma's party.
JAKE: But that was different. Then, I'd thought I'd finally found the perfect way to quit screwing up. But now that I realize it's not the way, I don't know if I'd have the courage...
DARIA: Well... what if you wrote Mom a letter? (sees no response from Jake.) What if I talked to her for you??
JAKE: Aw, that's sweet of you to offer, kiddo, but I couldn't drag you into the middle of this.
DARIA: I don't mind.
JAKE: Naw, forget about it. (suddenly his shoulders sag, and he looks really depressed.)
(Pause. Daria's brow wrinkles -- "This is not good." She watches Jake for several more seconds, then turns to leave.)
DARIA: (hushed) I hate to say it, but my powers may not be great enough to solve this one.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Barksdale house, at that same time)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Helen, Rita, Amy, and Grandma Barksdale in the living room. Amy's now the center of attention -- a position which she's not used to being in, and she looks clearly uncomfortable . She keeps fiddling around with her glasses as she speaks.)
AMY: (somewhat flat) Any sign that you question my taste in men, and my story ends. All right?
(Helen and Rita appear to consent, but Grandma Barksdale gets an exasperated look on her face.)
GRANDMA: Now what makes you think we'd do that??
(Amy cocks a knowing eyebrow at her and doesn't reply. Instead, she launches into her history with Joel.)
AMY: Well anyway, how we met's not the most exciting story in the world -- nothing you could make into a feature film. (Bt) All it was was his friend knew my friend, we met at a party and got talking, and things went from there.
(Pause)
HELEN: But surely that can't be all.
(Beat. Amy frowns a little at Helen's "prying.")
AMY: (mildly sarcastic) Well gee, Helen, if my relationship lasted for over two years, I guess there must've been more to it.
GRANDMA: Yes, yes. (Bt) For starters, what does, er did this boyfriend of yours do for a living?
(Beat. Amy seems unsurprised that her mother would ask that type of question.)
AMY: Well, Mom, it'll please you to know that Joel is an engineer. Steady, respectable, earns good money, logical. Very logical.
RITA: Geez, "steady" and "respectable"? That doesn't sound like you, Amy. (Pause. gets a warning expression from her. rolls her eyes.) I don't mean that in a bad way.
(Beat)
AMY: (cocking a brow) You're right -- I like my men with quirks. And Joel has lots of them. (Bt) For instance, he really believes in that spirit animal crap. Thinks he can talk to animals if he just masters the right vocal pitch.
GRANDMA: (softly, trying not to sound like she disapproves) My, my...
AMY: (picking it up) But he's weird within acceptable bounds. I don't date lunatics. (Bt) And... a lot of his weirdness can be pretty sweet. (gets a reflective expression on her face.) Like sometimes he would make up these silly love songs where each line ending rhymed with my name... Used to sing them to me over the phone.... (rolls her eyes and chuckles softly.)
(Beat)
HELEN: He must have thought you were pretty special.
(Pause. Again, Amy seems ill at ease with Helen's forwardness. But instead of firing off a sarcastic remark, she just sort of stares at the floor.)
AMY: Well yeah, he did. And I thought he... I mean I still... (Pause. then she sigh-groans) Let's put it this way: for a lot of people my age, being in love is old hat, but for me, it's a fairly new experience. (Pause) I've dated a lot, but I never felt... Joel made me feel...
(Pause. She gets a tired look on her face and continues to speak almost to herself.)
AMY: I didn't want to break up with him, but I had to. (Pause) And I thought I could shut him out of my mind if I really tried, but... (voice gets soft) it hasn't, um... it hasn't worked out that way... (Her face reddens, and she closes her eyes.)
(long Pause. Helen, Rita, and Grandma Barksdale glance at each other. Amy exhales sharply. Pause. Then she reopens her eyes.)
AMY: I won't burst into tears, in case you're worried.
(Helen, Rita, and Grandma Barksdale exhale sharply with relief. Pause)
RITA: So you broke up with him??
AMY: (weak sarcasm) Don't act so surprised.
HELEN: But why?
AMY: Because I knew we couldn't live together, that's why. (Bt) I saw characteristics in him that I didn't like.
(Beat)
GRANDMA: (quiet) What sort of characteristics?
(long Pause)
AMY: Well, if you must know... Dad's characteristics.
(Pause. Grandma Barksdale presses her lips together and continues to regard Amy with a neutral expression. Yet Amy senses that both she and her sisters are a bit stricken by this statement. She looks ashamed.)
AMY: I shouldn't've said that. Forget it.
(Pause)
GRANDMA: (quiet) No. Go on. How was this Joel fellow like your father?
(Beat)
AMY: They aren't exactly alike, but in many ways they're similar. (Bt. somewhat defensive) Look Mother, I loved Dad. I know you think I didn't, but I did.
GRANDMA: (also defensive) I never thought you didn't.
AMY: But I remember things about him that none of you seems to. Or else you've chosen to ignore them. (Bt) Like how Dad could be really nice one minute and then just turn on you.
(Helen and Rita get thoughtful expressions on their faces.)
AMY: (bitter) When he was happy, he could've been chosen Father of the Year without question. (Bt) But you had to follow his countless unspoken rules to keep him that way, or else he'd come down on you. (Bt. to Helen and Rita) Don't you remember?
(Pause. No response -- not even from Helen. Amy gets a deeply frustrated look on her face and utters a short laugh.)
AMY: (muttering) No, of course you don't. You probably never had those problems. (Bt) It was just me... because I was the "bad" one.
(Beat)
GRANDMA: (quiet) You weren't bad, Amy.
AMY: Hmph. (Bt) Maybe not... but Dad sure made me feel like I was. Half the time I didn't even know what goddamn thing I'd done wrong. But all of a sudden, Dad would start treating me like something that had crawled out from under a rock. (Bt. to Helen and Rita. very frustrated) Maybe you two never had that experience, but I did.
(Pause. She waits for a response, then adds: )
AMY: (quiet) I didn't want that to happen with Joel.
(Pause)
HELEN: (subdued) Did he treat you badly?
(Beat. Amy sighs.)
AMY: Not exactly, but his logical engineer mind has given him a tendency to find fault. Everything has to be a certain way with him. (Bt) We got into a really explosive argument over where to store the eggs not too long ago.
GRANDMA: That doesn't sound so terrible.
(Beat. Amy frowns at her.)
AMY: (a defensive edge creeping in) No. Not in isolation. But spread it out over several months and the routine gets old -- especially when it means you feel like a moron time and again. (Bt) Besides, there's more to it than that.
(Pause)
HELEN: Like what?
AMY: Like... (gets a peevish look on her face.) I kept feeling this pressure from him to give up my privacy. Make every problem or thought that's mine his, too. Once I thought taking him to see Aunt Ellie would satisfy his craving to --
(Grandma Barksdale gets a cloudy look on her face.)
AMY: -- know more about me, but instead it just increased it. (Bt) Helen, Joel calling you about our argument a while back was a prime example.
(Beat)
HELEN: (subdued) Oh.
(Beat)
RITA: But aren't you supposed to share everything with your boyfriend when you've been dating for so long?
AMY: I don't know. You tell me.
RITA: I wouldn't know.
(Beat)
AMY: Well in my case, I just kept feeling that if I shared everything with Joel, I'd lose my individuality. (Pause) But even so, I wonder if I've made a mistake, breaking up with him. I mean view him as a whole, and his good qualities far outweigh his not-so-good. (Pause. quiet) A lot of times, I did want to tell him things I hadn't told anyone else.
(long Pause. Amy heaves a sigh.)
AMY: But this pressure to satisfy him felt too much like living up to Dad's standards. (quietly defiant and resolute) And I told myself long ago that I'd never ever end up with a guy who couldn't accept me the way I was.
(Pause)
HELEN: (subdued) So then there's no chance that...?
(Beat. Amy shakes her head slowly.)
AMY: Maybe if we'd stayed together and really worked on it, we could have found a compromise... but I didn't want to take the risk and be wrong.
(long Pause. Amy closes her eyes again, the expression on her face both sad and ashamed. Helen and Rita watch her, then appear to lapse into their own thoughts. Grandma Barksdale gazes at all three of them with a pensive expression. Finally: )
AMY: (mumbling, almost to herself) So if I've seemed to disrespect Dad's memory the past couple of days, that's the main reason. (Pause) I'm sorry. I know you all loved Dad just the way he was...
(long Pause)
RITA: (hushed) Geez, I thought I was the only one.
(Amy opens her eyes. She and Helen look at Rita, surprised.)
HELEN: One who what?
(Beat)
RITA: Who tried to avoid ending up with someone like Dad. Why do you think I date the kind of men I do?
(Pause. She shrugs, and also gets an ashamed look on her face. Amy smirks faintly with relief. Then Helen sighs.)
HELEN: (quiet) That was the main reason why I married Jake.
(Pause)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, at that same time)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria walking over to her phone, with Quinn following. They both sit down on Daria's bed. As Daria's picking up the receiver: )
QUINN: So why don't you just call Mom an' tell her Dad wimped out an' now he wants her home?
DARIA: Sorry. No can do.
QUINN: Why not??
DARIA: 'Cause me speaking for Dad won't settle what's at the heart of their argument. He has to figure out how to do it himself.
QUINN: So who're you calling, then?
(Daria sighs.)
DARIA: The last people on earth I want to talk to...
(fade-out. fade-in to a short time later. Daria's got her ear to the receiver, while Quinn's listening with anticipation.)
DARIA: So you'll help us, Mr. and Mrs. Gupty?
(Cut to shot of Mr. and Mrs. Gupty, both holding phones the way they were in "Pinch Sitter.")
MR. GUPTY: Hmm, although we have reservations --
MRS. GUPTY: We still hold you responsible for Tad and Tricia's unfortunate turn to the dark side.
MR. GUPTY: -- as Couples Therapy leaders for the month, we feel it our duty to help those most in need.
MRS. GUPTY: And you more than anyone else need a stable family structure.
(Pause)
MRS. GUPTY: I mean --
(Cut to shot of Daria and Quinn.)
DARIA: (ignoring her implications) So what d' you plan to do?
(Cut to split screen with Daria and Quinn on the right, and the Guptys on the left.)
MR. GUPTY: Well, your father's problem sounds like a classic case of displacement psychosis.
DARIA: Excuse me?
MR. GUPTY: We'll fill you in when we come by to see your father this evening.
DARIA: You're coming here?
MRS. GUPTY: Of course! Nothing like that warm-and-fuzzy feeling you get from talking to someone in person.
DARIA: O-kay.
MR. GUPTY: Don't worry, Daria. Your family crisis will be solved. The Guptys are on the way!
DARIA: Great.
(Cut to full screen. Daria slowly lays the phone back on its cradle. Turns to Quinn.)
DARIA: So when the divorce takes place, maybe we can work out an arrangement to see one parent on holidays and weekends.
[Shot of Amy preparing to walk out on Helen, Rita, and Grandma Barksdale.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
Well, I didn't intend for this to be the pre-adolescent block, but it sort of turned into one... :-)
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?