SCENE 1 (Barksdale house, continuation of the previous scene)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of everyone in the living room. The old man's still got Amy locked in a firm embrace. She struggles to get away.)
AMY: Um, Mr. Petersen, it's wonderful to see you again, but I kind of need to --
PETERSEN: C'mon, just one kiss for your old neighbor, an' then I'll let ya go!
(Amy heaves a sigh and gives him a peck on the cheek. Mr. Petersen rewards her by grabbing her jaw and giving it an affectionate wiggle.)
PETERSEN: That's my l'il cutie-patootie! (cups Amy's nose.) Whoops -- got yer nose!
AMY: Keep it. (Bt) Hey, um, was that bean dip I saw in the kitchen?
PETERSEN: (releasing her) Ooh, I love bean dip!
AMY: Don't I know it. (Bt) Now go have some before it's gone.
(Mr. Petersen nods to the rest of the company, then hurries away. Amy heaves another sigh and sags forward a little. Pause.)
DARIA: (smirking) Aunt Amy.
(Beat)
AMY: (smirking wryly at her) Damn, you saw me in a position of weakness. Now I'll have to kill you. (Bt) Or return the favor.
(She leans forward and hugs Daria. Then she notices Quinn, and cocks a pleased, amused eyebrow.)
AMY: Ah, so our third member of the glasses brigade has finally arrived. [*] see "The Tie That Chokes"
QUINN: Huh?
AMY: Looking sharp, sweetie. (pats Quinn on the back. then turns to Grandma and says in a cheerful tone:) Mother.
(She gives Grandma Barksdale a kiss on the cheek and squeezes her shoulder.)
GRANDMA: (wry) It's nice to see you've finally arrived, Amy.
AMY: Hey, the best things come to those who wait.
RITA: Hmm. And you came all by yourself, I see.
AMY: (missing Rita's meaning) Yep. Haven't quite reached the age when I need someone to chauffeur me. (She and Rita share a rather stiff hug.)
HELEN: Actually, Amy, I think she means --
AMY: (with more warmth) Helen. (She reaches over, gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Helen does likewise.) You're looking good.
HELEN: Um... so do you. Certainly no worse than the last time I saw you.
AMY: And you're looking even better. No worry lines or throbbing veins of any kind. (Bt. smirking) Jake, has this woman been in a coma the past few months?
(The rest of the group bursts into a fit of chuckles. Helen rolls her eyes.)
JAKE: Aw gee... I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I'd know.
(Now everyone else chuckles even harder. Helen glares at Jake, then looks at Amy.)
HELEN: (grumbling) Always a kidder, Amy.
(Beat)
AMY: Jake, you're a twisted man after my own heart. Never change.
JAKE: Um, okay.
(Beat)
AMY: And Erin and Brian: you two are still blissfully in love, I see. (Bt) If only it would last.
ERIN: Huh??
RITA: (annoyed) It's funny you should say that, Amy --
AMY: (seeing Rita's boyfriend) Paul? Wow, you've really let yourself go.
JIMMY: (cocking a brow) Excuse me??
RITA: I'm not seeing Paul any more.
AMY: Oh yeah. (cocks a brow at Jimmy and smirks.) Surprise, surprise...
RITA: Now what's that supposed --?!
AMY: Geez, the only one who's not here to celebrate this special occasion is Dad. What a shame. (Bt) So did any of you bring a Ouija board?
(Pause. Erin looks shocked. Rita glares at Amy and groans. Jimmy, Brian, and Jake actually chuckle -- though Jake stifles his with one look from Helen. Daria smirks.)
DARIA: (under her breath) A twisted woman after my own heart.
(Beat. Grandma frowns.)
GRANDMA: Amy, why on earth must you talk about your father that way??
HELEN: (peevish) Why not?? She did when he was alive.
(A frown briefly passes over Amy's face.)
AMY: Very true, Helen. Very true...
(fade-out. fade-into: )
SCENE 2 (dining room, about an hour later.)
(Close-up shot of the table.)
DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) So once Aunt Amy arrived, things got a little more interesting. For starters, she revealed all the locations where something embarrassing had happened to Mom...
(Cut to wide shot. Amy's sitting in one of the chairs, putting together a bunch of party streamers, as Daria and Quinn pass by.)
AMY: (to Daria. instructional) And one last thing: that red patch on the wall above the bed? It's not lipstick, it's not paint -- it's what's left of your mom's Mr. Biffo the Blow-up Man after he exploded. I'll let you fill in the rest.
(Daria and Quinn glance at each other eagerly.)
DARIA: Thanks, Amy. You've made my visit.
QUINN: (a little more subdued) Yeah, thanks.
(They turn to leave. Amy touches Quinn's shoulder.)
AMY: Hey, Quinn. (Quinn turns to face her.) Don't feel too bad about having to wear glasses. You look good.
QUINN: (eyes trailing downward. a bit sheepish) Oh. Um, thanks.
(Beat)
AMY: (wry) Hmm, guess my praise isn't worth much -- you still seem a little down. Is anything...? (Pause. smirks a tad) Wait -- I get it. (Bt) Look Quinn, you're not still mad about what happened a few months ago, are you? [*] see Quinn's reaction after Amy told Helen about "Cousin" Daria in "The Tie That Chokes."
(Quinn's eyes widen. She stopped being mad at Amy a long time ago -- now she just feels embarrassed about the way she behaved.)
QUINN: No! I mean... um, I mean...
(Beat)
AMY: (understanding) Let's just let bygones be bygones, okay?
QUINN: (relieved) Sure.
(She leaves, and Amy ties up the last of the streamers. Suddenly we see Helen bustling out of the kitchen, carrying surplus appetizers.)
HELEN: (brisk. no-nonsense) Amy, those streamers are done already?? Well then why haven't you put them up, yet??
AMY: (rolling her eyes) I just fin--
(Rita rushes in from the living room. Stops, looks at Amy.)
RITA: (irritated) Geez, Amy, what are you doing just sitting there?? (in a persecuted tone) It's bad enough you had to show up after nearly everything was finished, forcing me to do practically all the work --
HELEN: Oh come off it, Rita! This silly party was your stupid idea, so it's only fair you take charge. Not that you're any good at it --
AMY: (grumbling) Sorry.
RITA: (not hearing Amy. to Helen) What do you mean not good at it?! And just because I'm the only one who truly cares about Mother's well-being --
HELEN: Oh, there we go! Again with the "I'm the good daughter" routine! Well let me tell you something, Rita -- if I got as much out of Mother as you do, I --
(Amy slumps forward.)
RITA: Oh yeah?! Well listen, Helen --
HELEN: Oh forget it, Rita. (Bt. looks at Amy. exasperated) Amy! Honestly, you're the artist in the family. You ought to know how to put up a few decorations.
AMY: (weary) That's not what you said those three times I tried to hang the banner.
HELEN: Banners are completely different!
(She rushes out into the living room. A second later, Grandma Barksdale comes in.)
GRANDMA: Amy, why are you just sitting there? Our guests will be here, soon.
(Amy groans, puts a hand to her forehead.)
AMY: I'm still recovering from Mr. Petersen. (Bt) So he's just the tip of the iceberg, is he?
GRANDMA: Oh quit being so disrespectful, Boo-boo.
(Amy sits up straight, turns bright red.)
AMY: Mom! Dammit, how old am I now...?!
(Before Grandma Barksdale can reply, Helen rushes back in from the living room.)
HELEN: Amy, those streamers still aren't up?? Get on it! (rushes into the kitchen.)
AMY: (rolling her eyes) Yes, Dad.
GRANDMA: I told you, Amy, don't be disrespectful. You could use some of your father's common sense. (Bt) You still max out your credit cards, don't you??
AMY: My, my, quite a leap in topics. (Bt) Mom, that was a long time ago --
GRANDMA: Well appraising art can't pay enough to afford that car, I'm willing to bet.
AMY: (irritated) How would you --?!
(Rita rushes in from the living room. She's overheard this last bit.)
RITA: (cool) Why would she need to max out her credit cards when Aunt Ellie left her all her money?
(Amy's eyes narrow.)
AMY: Oh sure, Reet. Her money's all I cared about.
RITA: (not missing her icy sarcasm) Well some of us do care about money. We don't all lead easy lives, you know.
AMY: (cool) Ooh, right. (Bt) So not only are you unlucky in love, but you're missing job satisfaction, too. What is it you do again??
GRANDMA: (before Rita can reply) Speaking of love, Amy: where is that boyfriend Helen was telling us about?
(Beat)
AMY: (going pale) What?
(Just then Helen comes back in.)
GRANDMA: You did say she had one, didn't you, Helen? A boyfriend??
RITA: Yeah, Helen -- a boyfriend?
(Helen pauses, rather startled. She looks down at Amy, who's frowning and clearly embarrassed.)
HELEN: I -- well, yes. (Bt. gently firm) Now, Amy, you're not still playing that silly game where you pretend you don't have one, are you?
AMY: (tightly. closing her eyes.) No.
GRANDMA: Pretend you don't have one?
HELEN: (to Amy) Come on, sweetie: after two years, I think they have a right to know.
RITA: Two years? (looks intrigued.)
(Pause)
AMY: (still tight) Yes. Two years. Two years, four months, to be exact. Not including the year we were just friends. (Bt) But forget it -- it's over. We broke up.
(Pause. Grandma Barksdale and Rita look uneasy, as does Helen.)
HELEN: But why?? He seemed so nice.
(Beat)
AMY: How did you meet Joel??
RITA: (vague resentment) Helen said she talked to him.
(Amy looks at her questioningly. Helen sighs.)
HELEN: Well I know I shouldn't say anything, but after we fought a while back, he called me at my office and tried to patch things up --
AMY: He called you?? (closes her eyes.) Great. That is so him. (starts to get up.)
GRANDMA: Amy, where are you going?
AMY: To hang the damn streamers. (grabs a few and walks away.)
(Pause)
HELEN: (to Grandma and Rita) Let me talk to her.
RITA: It was your talking that made her leave in the first place.
HELEN: Oh buzz off, Rita. (goes after Amy.)
(Pause. Cut to shot of Amy walking slowly toward the door to the living room, dragging the streamers behind her. Helen rushes toward her. She accidently steps on one of the streamers, causing it to split into two pieces. Amy stops and looks at Helen with a stormy expression.)
HELEN: (hushed. pleading) Amy, talk to me. What happened??
AMY: (rolling her eyes) You mean you don't already know?
HELEN: Come on, sweetie... Please?
(Pause. Amy looks like she's debating whether to open up. Finally she sighs.)
AMY: (somewhat flat) There isn't much to tell. We just agreed that we didn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things.
(Beat)
HELEN: Oh. (Bt) But couples don't have to see eye-to-eye on everything. Jake and I certainly don't.
AMY: Well Joel and I didn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of essential things. It wasn't about us arguing over where to hang the fern.
HELEN: But, um... surely you could try working it out. What about counseling?? Two years seems like too long to just --
(Amy utters a sharp laugh.)
AMY: Helen, Joel and I have been down this road before. He tells me I'm too closed off, I tell him it's not his business to know everything about me.
HELEN: Oh.
AMY: Funny, I think you and he would get along well.
HELEN: Why??
AMY: Because you both share a lot of the same opinions. (Bt) I believe you once told me I closed myself off from everyone around me. Oh, and that I'm a bad role model for your kid.
HELEN: (uneasy) Oh... You remember... the exact words, do you?
AMY: They're hard to forget. (Pause) Anyway, the gist of it is: I came home partially to forget the recent events of my life. (another sharp laugh.) Silly me.
HELEN: (looking sorry) Amy...
(Just then, Daria comes in.)
DARIA: Um, I hate to interrupt, but Erin's just let in a bunch of strangers. Either they're Jehovah's Witnesses, or your old family friends are here.
(Beat. Amy and Helen glance into the living room.)
AMY: If only they were Jehovah's Witnesses. I'd be much more relaxed around them.
HELEN: Now come on, I'm sure we'll all be fine.
AMY: Yeah. They'll probably just want to talk about Mother and Dad.
HELEN: So why not go on in and say hello?
(Pause)
AMY: Um, or why don't you? (Bt) You're the oldest.
HELEN: But you've already bonded with Mr. Petersen.
AMY: Being accosted by an old man hardly qualifies as bonding in my opinion. (Pause. finally sighs and rolls her eyes.) All right, all right, I'll be the guinea pig. But I refuse to go alone. Are you with me, Daria?
DARIA: You want me to talk to old people?
HELEN: Go on, Daria.
DARIA: Okay. (Bt. smirks) I could go for witnessing some humiliation.
AMY: Brat.
(They walk into the living room.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (living room)
(Shot of various elderly folk coming in, milling around, sitting on the couch and in the chairs. One man is sitting next to Jimmy, trying to have a conversation.)
MAN: So what d' you do for a living?
JIMMY: (cocking a brow) Do?
(Another man is sitting in a chair near Jake and Brian, chatting. Jake is busy stuffing his face with appetizers as he listens, and Brian actually looks interested.)
MAN 2: ... And we found her crouched behind the bushes, poor thing. Naked as can be.
BRIAN: Whoa, Helen must've been pretty damn embarrassed.
JAKE: (crumbs spilling out of his mouth) I'll fay!
(Just then Amy and Daria walk in. Amy inhales-exhales Zen-style.)
AMY: (to Daria) Just proceed calmly. Go up, say hello, ask how they're doing, give a little info about yourself, then move on.
(Daria nods resolutely. She walks over to where Quinn and Erin are standing with a woman guest. Quinn's in her chipper mode.)
QUINN: ... An' so, like, Tiffany and Stacy were, like, "We think you should be the president of the Fashion Club." An' I was like, "Oh no!" But they just kept putting pressure on me 'til I agreed. An' so I decided fashion was my true calling an' that if I had to make the choice between cheerleading and fashion, fashion would be it. (sighs with satisfaction.)
ERIN: Wow, that's so smart of you, Quinn. I know I had a hard time balancing things when I was head cheerleader and president of my fashion club.
QUINN: Oh... you were... both? (wilts a little.)
(The woman to whom they were talking spies Daria.)
WOMAN: Hello, dear. What's your name?
DARIA: (deadpan) My name's Daria. I'm Quinn's seventeen-year-old older sister and I like to --
(The woman gets the same distressed look on her face that Grandma Barksdale wore when Daria spoke to her.)
WOMAN: Ugh! Ugh, please -- no more. (Bt) I just remembered: I have to be somewhere. (rushes away.)
(Quinn and Erin roll their eyes and look at Daria, annoyed. Daria smirks at this unexpected reaction, then decides to join Amy. Cut to shot of Amy standing with a couple of people, wearing an awkward expression.)
WOMAN 2: (to Amy. cheerful) I brought flan. (holds up a mammoth-sized dish of yellow jiggly good stuff.) I know how you girls used to love it.
AMY: Ooh, can't wait.
(The woman leaves to go set the flan somewhere. One elderly man gives Amy a faux punch on the cheek. Amy flinches.)
MAN 3: You've got yer dad's old reflexes! That's what saved 'im at Normandy, I always say.
AMY: (feigning interest) Really?
MAN 3: An' you look just like Howard, too. Do people ever tell you that?
AMY: Only when I'm at home.
MAN 3: (giving her another faux punch on the cheek) Not quite the little girl who used to play in my doghouse, are ya?
AMY: Well, that was thirty-plus years ago. I doubt I'd fit, now.
(The man chuckles, then sees Daria.)
MAN 3: (friendly) An' how're you, sweetie-pie?
DARIA: (deadpan) I'm fine. My name's Daria, and I'm a the second eldest of Evelyn Barksdale's three --
MAN 3: Ugh! I just remembered -- I have to be somewhere! (rushes off.)
(Pause)
AMY: (smirking) How'd you do that?
(Daria shrugs.)
DARIA: Don't know. It's a gift.
AMY: I'm keeping you close by.
(Just then, the flan woman returns. She sees Daria.)
WOMAN 2: Why, Amy! Here we thought you'd never settle down, and look: you have a daughter. And she looks just like you!
(Suddenly Helen bolts out of the dining room. Grabs Daria.)
HELEN: (rushed) No, no, she's mine, actually. Daria Morgendorffer -- first-born daughter. She has my nose, you know.
(She glares sideways at Amy. Even though Helen's forgiven her for the trick she played on the Fashion Club in "The Tie That Chokes," she still can't help but feel a bit threatened. In response, Amy rolls her eyes and leaves. Then Helen notices Jake, Brian, and their companion looking at her.)
HELEN: What?!
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 4 (den, about an hour later)
(Shot of the downstairs hallway and the door leading to the den. The door is slightly ajar, with some light coming through. Off screen we hear the rumbling sounds of a party in full-swing. Then, suddenly: )
PEOPLE: Ugh! No, that's okay. We don't need to hear any more...
(Pause. We see Daria walks on screen. She's smirking and brushing her hands together as if to say, "Well done." She pauses when she sees the door, then decides to peek in.)
(Cut to shot of the inside. The den's a more down-to-earth room than the other rooms in the Barksdale house. It's got a couple of stuffed couches, a television set, a few bookcases, and a stereo. The only sign of formality is a fireplace, which -- of course -- bears several old photographs in gilt frames. We see Amy lounging on one of the couches, looking pensive. She continues to stare off into space for several seconds before noticing Daria's presence. Then she blinks a few times and smirks sheepishly.)
AMY: Hi. (Bt) Having fun at the party?
(Daria walks in, shuts the door behind her.)
DARIA: I've been alienating old people with my voice and watching my parents get to each other. So overall, it's not bad. (Bt) What're you doing?
AMY: Being childish. (Bt) Care to join me?
DARIA: Sure.
(She sits down on the other couch. Amy clicks on "Sick Sad World.")
(Meanwhile, cut to: )
SCENE 5 (living room)
(Shot of Helen, Jake, Rita, and Jimmy sitting on the couch, while Grandma Barksdale, Quinn, Erin, and Brian sit in chairs. They're surrounded by company. One man leans toward Grandma Barksdale.)
MAN: So, Evelyn, do you still play eighteen holes at the country club every week?
GRANDMA: Well, old age has reduced it to nine holes, but otherwise, yes. The gals and I go every Thursday, without fail.
MAN: Would you be interested in having another person in your group?
GRANDMA: (vaguely receptive) Are you asking if you could join us?
(Meanwhile, Quinn's looking positively irritated as Erin goes on and on about her high school days.)
ERIN: ... So junior year I was captain of the volleyball team on top of being head cheerleader, president of the Fashion Club, and Prom Queen.
QUINN: Uh-huh.
ERIN: So are you on any sports teams?
QUINN: Um... no. I don't really like sports.
ERIN: You don't? I love sports. I could play volleyball all day, which is probably why they thought I was good enough to be offered a scholarship --
BRIAN: Quinn, just tell her to shut up at any time.
(Erin looks at him, first stunned, then irritated. Meanwhile, Helen's looking extremely embarrassed as Jake continues to stuff himself with appetizers and Rita tries to explain to an old neighbor, Mr. Norbert, what her boyfriend does for a living.)
RITA: He's what you call a "street poet." He sits on the street, watches people go by, and makes up poems about them.
(Mr. Norbert, a rather Kris Kringle-looking man, claps his hands together with enthusiasm.)
NORBERT: (to Jimmy. jolly tone) Sounds marvelous, young man. Would ya be willing to give us an example?
(Pause)
JIMMY: (disdainful) I only do it when I'm on the street.
NORBERT: Oh.
(Beat)
HELEN: (sarcastic laugh) Ooh-hoo! He's your best one yet, Rita.
RITA: (eyes narrowing) Be quiet, Helen.
HELEN: (to Mr. Norbert) I'm surprised you don't have any "Rita's loser boyfriend" stories in your cache.
NORBERT: Nope. Don't think I do.
HELEN: (dripping sarcasm) Ohhh no, you just have Helen stories. Lots and lots of stories about little Helen doing some crazy things.
NORBERT: (patting her on the shoulder) That's just 'cause you were such an interesting child. (Bt) It's not every kid who would organize a petition drive to ban Tuesdays. Or dye her hair black to honor Martin Luther King. Or --
HELEN: We get your point. (slumps forward, looking sulky.)
(Beat)
JAKE: (some crumbs spilling out of his mouth) Iff all right, honey. I kin' of like those fories.
(Helen utters a sharp laugh. Looks at hubby with a very irritated and rather hurt expression.)
HELEN: Oh yes, Jake, I know you do. Because you always laugh just a little too loudly each time you hear one.
JAKE: (more crumbs spilling out) Oof. Forry.
HELEN: And for God's sake, Jake, would you stop inhaling the hors d'oeuvres?! Every time you open your mouth, you spew crumbs everywhere and it looks disgusting.
(Beat. Jake swallows.)
JAKE: (meek) Oh. Sorry.
(Helen groans loudly. Just then, we hear the sound of ringing coming from one of her pockets. Helen looks down, startled, then reaches in and removes her cell phone.)
HELEN: (relieved) Whoops! Oh darn -- business. I'm afraid I'll have to step out for a --
GRANDMA: (irritated) Helen, put that awful phone away this instant!
HELEN: (holding the still-ringing phone up) But Mother, it's my boss!
GRANDMA: I don't care if it's the pope. I will not have you rambling on about some silly case on my anniversary. Put that thing away.
HELEN: (geared up to protest) But Mother --!
(Just then, Quinn takes the phone.)
QUINN: (happy to have an excuse to get away from Erin) Here. I'll do it, Grandma.
(She leaves to go to the car. Helen sits there with her mouth open, outraged.)
(Meanwhile, cut to: )
SCENE 6 (den)
(Shot of Amy and Daria watching "Sick Sad World.")
SSW ANNOUNCER: "What did the Bride of Frankenstein's family think of her main squeeze? Exclusive interviews next on Sick Sad World!"
(Beat)
AMY: Bleh. This show's really gone downhill since I first started watching.
DARIA: Really? I thought it pretty much started at the bottom.
(Amy chuckles.)
AMY: True. (Bt) It's funny how the more things change, the more they stay the same.
DARIA: Got any witticisms that would explain it?
AMY: Nope. But Aunt Ellie did. (Bt) She said that when people get older and their senses wither away, the last thing to go is their poor taste.
(Daria chuckles.)
DARIA: Sounds like she was pretty cool.
AMY: (a bit reflective) Yeah. (Pause. shakes her head, comes back to earth.) So, kiddo,speaking of change: what's new with you?
DARIA: Not much. (Bt. smirks) Boo-boo.
AMY: Agh! How did you --?!
DARIA: I overheard Grandma call you that one time. (Bt) I'll lay off the nickname if you promise never to call me "kiddo" ever again.
AMY: Agreed.
(Beat)
DARIA: Well anyway, for starters: I'm still having problems with this guy I like --
AMY: Trent?
DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) It's weird: I thought I was over him, but every now and then... (blushes a tad and shrugs.)
AMY: (comprehending) Hmmm... (then, with a solemnity that seems odd for the situation: ) I know what you mean.
(Beat. Daria glances at her wonderingly for a second.)
DARIA: Um, you want to know something really weird? I once had a dream that you and he... (full-on blush) did it.
(Pause)
JANE: (present off screen voice-over) Whoa! You said you were never gonna tell her that!
(Amy's eyes fly wide open.)
AMY: Whoa!
DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) I lied.
(Beat)
AMY: Was he any good?? Wait, wait, don't answer that.
(Daria smirks, looking embarrassed.) [*] for Amy and Trent's little get-together, see "Thicker Than Water" by Danny Bronstein and C.E. Forman
AMY: Well... (tries to get past the awkward moment.) I'm sure if I saw him I'd think he was cute. In a too-young-for-me kind of way, of course.
(Now Daria smirks with relief.)
AMY: New topic?
DARIA: Yes. (Bt) Well, other than that, the only thing worth mentioning in my life is Quinn and her glasses.
AMY: Hmm, yeah. She was so worried about them the last time I saw you.
(Daria utters a sharp laugh.)
DARIA: Yeah. And for nothing. (Bt. resigned) She's been wearing them for two months, now, and she's still the same as she's always been. Not only is she popular, but I think she's started a new glasses-wearing trend.
AMY: And you'd hoped that if she put on her glasses, her personality would do a one-eighty, right?
DARIA: Um, yeah. (Bt) Guess that was kind of stupid, wasn't it?
AMY: No, it wasn't -- considering the history you two have had. (Bt) Uh, does she still pretend --?
(Daria nods.)
AMY: (frowning) Mmmm... (Bt. philosophical) Well you never know: Quinn may already be changing in ways even she can't see. And maybe all you can do is learn how not to let her get to you.
DARIA: I guess. (Bt) So how d' you do that?
AMY: Don't know. (Bt) I'm still trying to figure it out.
(Daria smirks and rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: I thought you adults were supposed to be wise.
AMY: (also smirking) Unfortunately, the one thing you learn when you reach adulthood is how much you don't know.
DARIA: Great. There's something I can look forward to.
AMY: (cocking a brow) It's really not that bad, trust me. (Bt) I like being an adult better than being a kid -- people finally take you seriously.
DARIA: Good.
AMY: Although it's funny: go home, and all bets are off. I feel like I've shed twenty years in the past two hours. My family's either ignoring me, like now, or they're on my case, the way they were earlier.
DARIA: (frowning) Hmmm...
(Amy sighs.)
AMY: Or maybe I'm just making a big deal about nothing. (Bt) I should really just go back to the party...
(Meanwhile, cut to: )
SCENE 7 (living room)
(Shot of Helen and the rest as they were the last time we saw them. After the cell phone incident, Helen is fuming.)
HELEN: Dammit, Mother, can't you understand how important my work is to me?!
GRANDMA: Helen, now how do you expect me to respond when you curse like that? (Bt) Honestly, you and Amy have developed such filthy mouths since you left home.
(Mr. Norbert heaves a big belly laugh.)
NORBERT: Aw, Evie, don't be too hard on the girl. She's just showing some of that spark that makes her the little go-getter she is. (to Helen) Aren't ya?
HELEN: Hmph.
NORBERT: Some things never change. (Bt) Jiminy Christmas, if I had a nickel for every time Helen got over-involved in something, I'd be a millionaire.
(Everyone around Helen bursts out chuckling, but Jake's chuckle is especially noticeable. Moreover, it lingers after the others have stopped. Helen slumps over and glares sideways at him, resentful.)
NORBERT: Like that time she was in the Fourth of July relay race, an' she got so mad that the other little girl was winning, she hurled herself at the child and knocked her to the ground before she could reach the finish line.
JAKE: (to Helen) Wow, honey, you did that??
HELEN: (weary) Jake, I was ten years old.
RITA: But still, you hurt her badly enough that she wound up in the hospital.
HELEN: (grumbling) Dammit, I said I was sorry. I made her a card...
GRANDMA: It's all in the past now, anyway.
(Beat)
NORBERT: Or what about the time Helen wanted to surprise Howard for his birthday by winning him that new set of golf clubs?
RITA: I remember that! (Bt) Ooh-hoo, Helen, you got in trouble for that one.
JAKE: What d' you do, hon?
(Helen has suddenly gone pale. She doesn't respond.)
NORBERT: See, she had entered our annual Fisherman's Fling-off, where the the goal was to see who could hurl a fishing line the farthest and nail the tackle.
JAKE: Sounds pretty neat!
NORBERT: Oh it was, Jacob, it was. (Bt) Well, since most of the contestants were boys and were therefore stronger, Helen thought she had to do a big wind-up to make her puppy fly. And when she did --
(Helen closes her eyes, looking sort of ill.)
NORBERT: -- she flung the line so far behind her, it got caught in a pine tree on the shore and whipped her out of her boat. The poor thing bounced like a yo-yo and got tangled up in the line.
JAKE: No way! Really?? Like a... yo-yo?!! (bursts out laughing.)
HELEN: (whispering) Jake...
JAKE: (poking her in the ribs) Aw, come on, honey, that didn't really happen, did it? Did it??
HELEN: Yes, it happened.
(Beat)
NORBERT: For three hours she just sort of hung there. The firemen were at their annual convention in Leeville, and it took us forever to find a ladder long enough --
HELEN: (to Mr. Norbert. irritated) Please, would you just not say any more??
NORBERT: (oblivious) See she was so high up, and so tangled --
HELEN: Please, would you be quiet?!!
(Beat)
GRANDMA: (peevish) Helen, don't talk to Mr. Norbert that way.
HELEN: Dammit, Mother, I'll talk however I want. I'm not a child.
GRANDMA: Then stop acting like one.
JAKE: Yeah, honey, relax. You gotta admit: it does sound pretty funny.
HELEN: Shut up, Jake! No it wasn't!
RITA: (rolling her eyes) Oh of course it was, Helen. (Bt) God, you ought to have some ability to laugh at yourself.
(Helen slumps forward and puts a hand to her forehead.)
HELEN: How can I?! Dad got so mad at me -- I'd never seen him that mad, before!
NORBERT: (to Jake) Howard finally came by and cut Helen down with one of his army knives.
GRANDMA: (to Helen. pacifying) But he didn't stay mad at you forever.
HELEN: He wouldn't talk to me for two weeks!
NORBERT: (to Jake) She'd used his favorite fishing pole. (Bt. shakes his head) Terrible shame.
HELEN: Didn't I ask you to be quiet?!!
GRANDMA: Helen, calm down. You're getting yourself all worked-up over nothing.
RITA: Yeah, Helen. You're acting like it happened yesterday.
JAKE: Yeah, hon. I mean, I bet you looked kind of cute, all tangled up in that line.
HELEN: DAMN IT, JAKE, WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!!!
(Pause. The room becomes quiet. Jake grows pale and looks embarrassed as Helen glowers at him.)
JAKE: B-but Helen --
HELEN: Can't you say two words without sounding like an idiot?!!
(Before he can respond, she stands up and quickly leaves the room. Jake wilts. Everyone else looks stunned, except for Grandma Barksdale. She heaves a sigh and shakes her head.)
JAKE: Aw geez... (stands up, grabs a few appetizers.) Gah dammit. Helen, wait!
(He runs after her.)
[Shot of Helen bolting from the room while everyone looks on.]
You are now entering commercial HEAVEN. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.
You are now leaving commercial HEAVEN. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?