This is the seventh fic in my chronology, and the first of two parts. It follows
I'd give it a 2S rating.......
First, let me say that in order to fully understand the references made in this two-parter, you'd be wise to read "The Tie That Chokes" and "That Thing You Say," if you haven't already done so. A lot of what happens here builds on what took place in those two fanfics.
Second, I want to thank C.E. Forman for letting me make some tie-ins to his fic, "Alienation Legacy." References to the "funeral," Aunt Ellie, and the inheritance come from that fic.
Plus, unintentionally, I've used the same technique for the first part of my two-parter as C.E. Forman did for "Rain on Your Parade": the voice-over from the present. Oh well, consider it my homage. :-)
Whoo... I've been a long time away, and it's good to be back. Enjoy!!!
Ten Spot Promo: The spy woman is sitting in the chair, flatly refusing to let herself be tape-recorded. The official-looking man stares at her, and she stares back. Ooh, that one's intense...
[intro theme music...................]
SCENE 1 (a residential sidewalk, late Saturday afternoon)
(Close-up shot of Jane, dressed in her workout get-up, jogging leisurely down the sidewalk. Suddenly,from off screen, we hear the squealing of tires. Jane cringes a little, but before she can turn to look, a blue car that's supposed to be a Lexus, but looks nothing like one, roars past. Jane stops and watches with amazement as it speeds away.)
JANE: (hushed) Geez, Grandma's house must've been hell. They weren't s'posed to get back 'til tomorrow.
(She frowns a "I wonder what's up?", shrugs, and goes into a full sprint over to the Morgendorffer house.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house)
(Shot of the driveway, where we see that the car has come to a very crooked stop. As Jane is sprinting over, Jake leaps out and slams his door so hard the entire car shakes. His face bright red, he makes fists and shakes them in the air.)
JAKE: Gah dammit!!!!!
(Jane cringes, slows down, and comes to a stop a short distance away from Jake, who seems oblivious to everything but his own rage.)
JAKE: (to an invisible person) What d' you think of me now huh?!!! What d' you think of that?!!! (gestures at the car, as if something significant has come from it.)
JANE: (hushed) Whew boy.
(Pause. Jake picks up on Jane's presence, and, enraged, barrels over to her. Jane looks freaked, but doesn't move. Jake stands over her.)
JAKE: Does this look like the face of someone who's INCOMPETENT?!! A loser?!! A wimp?!! A crybaby?!!
JANE: Um, no way. (Bt) You're all man, Mr. Morgendorffer.
JAKE: (with some satisfaction) Darn right, I am! (Bt. to the invisible person) HA! Did you hear that?!! I'm right this time! I'm RIGHT!!
(He then turns and runs off screen into the house. Jane watches him go, looking relieved and bewildered. We hear the sound of the front door slamming shut. Pause.)
JANE: (hushed) Call 911. The man's about to blow.
(Pause. We hear the soft sound of one of the back doors of the car slowly opening. Jane whirls around to look, surprised: she'd thought Jake was alone. We then hear the sound of the other back door opening, and see Daria and Quinn stumble out of the car, looking trashed.)
JANE: Daria?
(Daria trudges over to her. Too weary to reply, she just smirks.)
JANE: You okay?
(Pause)
DARIA: (not quite with it) I'm fine. (Bt) A little whiplash never hurt anybody.
JANE: Hmph, your dad sure seems to think so. (Bt) Don't tell me this little joyride's his idea of "spending quality time with the girls."
(Quinn slithers over, utters a sharp laugh.)
QUINN: Good thing Mom didn't hear you say that.
(Beat)
JANE: (to Daria) Where is your mother?
DARIA: Still at Grandma's.
JANE: Uh-oh. (Bt) I take it not all is well in the House of Morgendorffer?
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) That's putting it mildly.
JANE: So what happened?
(Beat. Daria sighs.)
DARIA: It's a long, strange story. And if you want to hear it, you'll have to brave sharing the house with my dad. 'Cause there's no way I can stand here long enough to tell it.
(Jane shrugs.)
JANE: Sure, why not? (Bt) I could go for a little danger.
(Daria nods, too tired to come up with a suitable one-line response. She and Jane walk off screen, while Quinn continues to stand there.)
DARIA: (off screen) Quinn.
(Pause. Quinn still can't move, so Daria comes over and takes her by the arm. They walk off screen. fade-out.)
(fade-in to: )
SCENE 3 (Daria's room)
(Shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed, listening to the distant sound of Jake's ranting. Jane looks fascinated and disturbed, while Daria is her usual impassive self.)
JANE: So when you visited Grandma, was Grandpa Morgendorffer there, too?
DARIA: Nope -- he's dead. (Bt) We almost joined him an hour ago.
JANE: I thought you were gonna see your mother's mother.
DARIA: Grandma Barksdale? Yeah, we did. (Bt) Today's her fiftieth wedding anniversary.
JANE: You don't say. (Bt) Would that mean a certain Famous Aunt was there to see her?
DARIA: Amy was there. They all were -- Aunt Amy, Aunt Rita, Erin, Brian... Still are, for all I know. And all were on hand to witness my parents' supreme blow-up.
JANE: (wicked) Ooh, this is sounding more interesting by the minute. (Bt) Well fill me in -- I wanna know all the details!
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: (sardonic) Way to feel sympathy for me in my time of need.
JANE: Hey, if anyone needs sympathy, it's me. Damn, I wish I were a part of the Barksdale family.
DARIA: I can think of a few members who'd like to trade places with you. (Bt. sighs) Anyway, this whole thing started on the drive to Grandma's house...
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 4 (beginning of flashback, Saturday morning)
(Shot of the Lexus driving through Rutherford, the prosperous yet nondescript town of Helen's youth. Cut to shot of the four Morgendorffers sitting inside the car. We see that all four are dressed in some variety of semi-formal wear, even Daria. [Well actually, the only change Daria's made in her normal appearance is to wear the necklace well-known from her "Beavis & Butt-Head" days.] Everyone seems pretty calm, except for Helen.)
DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) Mom was in one of her moods -- cutting down Grandma while thinking of ways to butter her up so she'd give us some of her money.
HELEN: (tense. irritated) Yes, I'll admit that a fiftieth wedding anniversary is a milestone for any marriage, but not when both members of the couple aren't there to celebrate it. (Bt) Dad's been dead for twelve years -- who does she think she is?? (falsetto) "Oh, you must come, Helen. It's your family duty." Well damn her idea of family duty...
(Beat)
DARIA: You really know how to set a good example, Mom.
HELEN: (oblivious. to Jake) My only hope is that by being there, Mother will see what two lovely girls we've raised an be willing to free us of the financial burden they've put us under.
DARIA: And your flattery moves me to tears.
HELEN: Daria, Quinn: be on your best behavior. Show Grandma all the wonderful qualities we see in you every day.
JAKE: Huh?
(Daria rolls her eyes at Helen's advice. Helen looks at Jake, annoyed.)
HELEN: And as for you, Jake: while we're there, let me do most of the talking, all right??
JAKE: What for?
HELEN: What for?? (rolls her eyes, as if the answer's obvious.) Because every time we see my family, you manage to get your foot caught in your mouth and can never get it out!
JAKE: Oh. (to himself, bewildered) Every time...?
(Beat)
QUINN: (chipper. wearing one of her serene smirks) Can I tell Grandma 'bout how I was head cheerleader for a while an' then got made president of the Fashion Club? I think she'd really like that.
(Daria rolls her eyes again.)
HELEN: Of course you can. (Bt. wicked) Just as long as you say it in front of Aunt Rita, dear.
(Cut to brief outside shot. The Lexus is now traveling down a residential street, past houses that seem well-suited for The Great Gatsby's East Egg. The houses, built in Colonial or Tudor styles, say "rich" without flaunting it. Resume inside shot.)
QUINN: I love talking to Grandma.
DARIA: Well that makes one of us.
HELEN: Daria!
DARIA: (patient) Mom, it's a well-known fact that Grandma hates the sound of my voice. She says it depresses her. And who am I to make that poor woman suffer?
(Now Helen rolls her eyes.)
HELEN: Oh honestly, Daria, sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do with you...
DARIA: Leave me home during our next family outing?
(Before Helen can reply, Jake breaks in, on a different track.)
JAKE: (to Helen. enthused) Boy, it's a shame your dad won't be here to celebrate with us. (Bt) Girls, Grandpa Barksdale was quite the man: firm, upright, commanding --
HELEN: (hushed) Not again...
JAKE: -- always knew the right thing to do.
DARIA: (deadpan) A real American hero.
JAKE: That's right! (Bt. gets a crazed look on his face.) Not like some fathers who neglected their sons when they weren't mocking them and cutting them down -- !
(Helen, Quinn, and Daria just sit there, looking weary. Luckily Jake gets hold of himself.)
JAKE: (enthused) Nope. The old man was someone you could trust. I remember some of the good times we had --
HELEN: Good times?? Jake, my father couldn't stand you.
(Beat)
JAKE: (wilted) Well it was still better than what I had...
(Cut to outside shot. We see that the car is approaching a large white house trimmed with red brick. Resume inside shot.)
HELEN: (a trifle anxious) Well here we are. (Bt. frowns and shudders) And I can just tell from the tension in the air that Rita's already arrived.
DARIA: Get ready to watch the fur fly.
HELEN: (firm) Now remember, all of you: if Rita asks why we haven't been to see Erin and Brian in their new home, tell her you've been very, very busy. (Bt) I'll just say I've had meetings. (Bt. gets into a resentful mode.) Unlike some people, I have to earn a living. I don't just get free handouts from Mother --!
(Jake stops the car abruptly. Tries to change the subject.)
JAKE: Um gosh, honey, the old place still looks the same. Your mother's done a great job keeping it up all these years.
(Helen forgets her rage as she and the rest of the family climb out of the car.)
QUINN: I just hope it's not full of old people's things. That'd be, like, really depressing.
DARIA: Especially for the old person who lives here.
(They walk toward the front door. Suddenly it opens, and we see a tall, skinny man with sleepy eyes and a scraggly goatee leaning against the door frame.)
GUY: I hate to tell you this, but Mrs. Barksdale passed away a short time ago.
(Pause. The Morgendorffers stop dead in their tracks. Helen's face grows pale. Then the guy smiles a sneer-smile.)
GUY: Just kidding. She's inside.
(Pause. Daria and Quinn look at each other. Helen's mouth is open. She closes it abruptly and gets enraged.)
HELEN: Young man, how dare you --?!
(Suddenly, from off screen: )
RITA: Helen? Is that you?
(Rita appears in the doorway and puts an arm around the guy's waist, wearing the same girlish, adoring expression that she wore in "I Don't." Helen, of course, tries to suck in her disdain.)
HELEN: (faux sweet) Rita! It's so good to see you.
RITA: (also faux sweet) And you as well.
(Rita leans forward and she and Helen exchange blow kisses. Then Rita turns back to the guy and continues to look at him adoringly.)
RITA: I see you've met Jimmy. Isn't he a trip??
(Beat)
HELEN: (sarcastic laugh) Oh-ho-hmm. Yes. (sneer-smiles back at him.)
(Jake leans forward to shake Jimmy's hand. Jimmy does so begrudgingly.)
JAKE: Nice to meet ya, Jimmy m' man. The name's Jake.
HELEN: And, um, these are our girls -- Daria, Quinn. (shoves them forward. hasty) Who I'm sure really want to see their grandmother. (Bt) Come on, girls, let's go.
(Rita makes way, and Helen, Daria, and Quinn go hastily inside -- Daria cocking an eyelid all the while. Jake turns to Rita and gives her an exaggerated wink.)
JAKE: So, Rita, I guess this means you're over Paul, huh?
RITA: (blankly) Who?
(Beat)
JAKE: Y' know, Paul Myer -- (Pause) Aw, never mind. (sees Rita has completely erased him from memory.)
(Jake chuckles sheepishly and goes inside. Rita's boyfriend watches him with a sneering expression, and then he and Rita follow.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (inside Grandma Barksdale's house)
(Pan across the front hallway and living room. We see that, indeed, the house is full of "old people's" things -- meaning antiques and many, many photographs in all kinds of gilt and wooden frames. The photographs seem to document nearly every aspect of Grandma Barksdale's life: her youth, her wedding, her marriage, her daughters in their infancy, childhood, adolescence, et cetera. The house has been extremely well-maintained, but it has an uncomfortable museum air to it.)
(The dining room is connected to the living room via a doorway. Cut to shot of the dining room. There, we see Grandma Barksdale sitting at the table with Erin and Brian, surrounded by platters of appetizers. Erin's in the process of chopping cucumber, while Grandma watches with a distinctly indulgent expression. Brian's slumped-over in his chair, looking sulky and bored. We then see Helen, Quinn, and Daria appear in the doorway.)
HELEN: (trying to sound sweet) Mother! (Bt) And Erin and Brian, you're here, too.
ERIN: Hi, Aunt Helen!
BRIAN: (no enthusiasm) Hey.
(Erin looks the same as she did in "I Don't," only she's ditched the wedding dress. One thing that we notice right away about her: she's got this giggly, girlish air that just screams "Stacy." She stops what she's doing and stands up as Helen is making her way over to Grandma Barksdale.)
GRANDMA: I'm glad to see you could make it, Helen. (Bt) Now there, that wasn't so hard, was it?
(Grandma Barksdale looks a little worn-down, but she carries herself with a dignified air. When Helen stands next to her, we can see there's a strong facial resemblance between them. They both speak with the same upper-crust twang in their voices, too.)
HELEN: What on earth are you talking about, Mother? (leans down and gives her a small hug and a kiss on the forehead.)
GRANDMA: I know you, Helen. First sign of a family obligation, and you use that old "meetings" excuse of yours.
(Helen laughs uneasily. Erin comes over and gives her a squeeze around the waist.)
ERIN: Oh, Grandma. (Bt) I'm sure Aunt Helen has a really good excuse for not visiting me and Brian.
(Just then, Jake comes in with Rita and Jimmy.)
JAKE: Yeah -- meetings! Lots and lots of meetings!
(Pause. Erin looks at him, surprised. Grandma gets a satisfied, "I told you so" expression, while Helen groans. Daria can't resist smirking.)
HELEN: Jake. Just be quiet.
JAKE: But I thought --
HELEN: Just let me do the talking, all right?? (Bt. to Erin, in a reassuring, cheery tone) We've just been very, very busy. With... many, many things. I couldn't begin to describe them all.
ERIN: That's okay.
RITA: (not fooled) Even though Erin lives a couple of towns from Lawndale? Hardly out of your way.
(Helen presses her lips together. Daria's smirk deepens: the first blow in the Mom and Aunt Rita war has been struck. Meanwhile Grandma's noticing Jake's meekness after Helen's rebuke.)
GRANDMA: (sardonic) My, Helen, you certainly do know how to take charge of a situation. (Bt) But then, you always were your father's daughter.
HELEN: (happy to change the subject) Um, right.
GRANDMA: It's nice to see you, Jacob.
JAKE: Nice to see you, too, Mom!
(Pause. Grandma Barksdale frowns and cocks an eyebrow at Jake. Jake blushes.)
JAKE: (mumbling) Um... I mean... Mrs. Barksdale.
(Grandma smirks.)
HELEN: (exasperated) Oh honestly, Mother! You'd think after twenty-three years --!
GRANDMA: All right, Helen, all right. (Bt. says to Jake, as if she were doing him a favor: ) Jacob, you may call me "Evelyn." I was just teasing you.
(Jake wipes his forehead, relieved.)
GRANDMA: (noticing Daria and Quinn) Why look at the girls! (Bt) Has it been that long since Ellie's funeral? Quinn's wearing glasses??
HELEN: Yes, she just has an eensy-weensy vision problem.
GRANDMA: (to Quinn) My, you look like such a little scholar.
QUINN: Hgh! (then realizes Grandma meant that as a compliment.) Oh. Thanks.
ERIN: Yeah, you look really cool.
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Funny, they've never said that about me.
ERIN: (still absorbed in Quinn) And that's a pretty scarf. (points to Quinn's right arm.)
GRANDMA: Scarf? (looks closer. her eyes widen.) Is that a cast I see?
(Quinn holds up her arm. She's still got on the cast from "Cheered Down," which by now has had every inch covered by signatures. For the special occasion, she's artfully concealed it with the scarf.)
HELEN: She just took a little spill --
GRANDMA: Helen, you let your daughter break her arm??
HELEN: (rolling her eyes) It's not as though I could stop her. I can't watch her and Daria every second --
QUINN: (chipper) It's just battle scars from cheerleading. (Bt) I was head cheerleader, you know.
GRANDMA: (face lighting up) You were?
RITA: Cheerleading must run in the family. (to Quinn) I was a cheerleader, too.
ERIN: So was I!
(Rita, Erin, and Quinn all smirk at each other. Helen looks annoyed, especially when she sees how much her mother approves. Sees Daria just standing there.)
HELEN: Well, Mother, Daria's done many interesting things, too. Why not talk to her?
GRANDMA: Yes, of course. (Bt. to Daria) How are you, child?
(Beat)
DARIA: (her usual deadpan) I'm fine.
HELEN: Tell Grandma about how your principal asked you to give the commencement address at this year's Parent-Teacher Banquet on account of your remarkable G.P.A. (cocks a pointed eyebrow at Rita as she says this.)
(Beat. Daria sighs softly.)
DARIA: (still deadpan) My principal asked, quote-unquote, me to give the commencement address at the Parent-Teachers' Banquet because she thought --
GRANDMA: (looking distressed) Ugh! That's all right, dear, I've got the gist of it. You don't need to say any more!
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 6 (the living room)
(Close-up shot of the mantelpiece above the fireplace.)
JANE: (present off screen voice-over) Okay, so after your grandmother gave you the brush-off again, that's when the fireworks started, right??
DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) Not quite. A few more things happened. It was sort of a building-up process...
(Zoom out to show Jake absorbed in looking at photographs on the mantelpiece. Behind him, we see Rita's boyfriend asleep in a chair, looking so still it's as if he's become part of the furniture. Just then, Helen enters the living room, balancing several platters of appetizers. Jake glances at her, then returns his attention to the photos.)
JAKE: (to Helen) Wow, you and your father did everything together...
HELEN: (annoyed) Jake, would you kindly lend me a hand??
JAKE: Oh, right.
(He comes over and takes two platters from Helen, while she sets the remaining two down on the coffee table. Ignoring the presence of Jimmy, she goes to look at the photos Jake was eyeing. Her face brightens.)
HELEN: Oh! I'd forgotten about our canoe ride on Lake Wallawocasaconoc.
(Jake, meanwhile, is trying to find spare room for his appetizer platters -- the coffee table's already crowded with food, as are many of the side tables. He attempts to slide a few platters over.)
HELEN: (more to herself than to Jake) I can't believe you and the girls haven't been here since Dad's funeral -- (interrupted by a clattering sound.)
(Helen turns to look: Jake has managed to knock a platter from the coffee table onto the ground. Helen sighs sharply, cocks an irritated brow. Just then Rita enters with a tray of ice cubes and napkins. Looks down at Jake and rolls her eyes.)
RITA: (trying to sound civil) Here. (takes a handful of napkins from one of her platters and tosses them onto the ground, near the spill. As Jake is leaning down to clean up his mess, she walks over to Helen, smirking.) Did I hear you say it's been twelve years since you came to visit Mother here?
HELEN: (rolling her eyes) Not me. Jake and th --
RITA: Geez, I couldn't imagine: I come here almost every week.
(Just then, Grandma Barksdale enters with Erin and Brian.)
GRANDMA: (fondly) I couldn't get by without her.
(She sees Jake and cocks a brow, unsurprised. Meanwhile Helen's frowning darkly.)
HELEN: Yes, well Leeville's much closer to Rutherford than Lawndale is. And if I weren't so busy --
RITA: (smirking) With meetings?
(Beat)
HELEN: Yes, with meetings! Those meetings help keep my family afloat for your information.
(Jake looks up from his cleaning, startled.)
JAKE: What're you saying, honey??
RITA: (irritated) Are you implying I can't keep things afloat, Helen??
HELEN: Well, Rita -- Jake, don't look at me that way. You know what I mean. And frankly, Rita --
GRANDMA: (somewhat weary) Girls, don't start. I don't want to hear any bickering on my anniversary.
(Helen and Rita immediately look chastened. Erin puts an arm around Brian, who looks annoyed.)
ERIN: Gosh, Grandma, I can't believe it's been fifty years.
HELEN: (grumbling) Well, thirty-eight, actually...
GRANDMA: (to Erin) Yes, sometimes I can't believe it, either. There have been many days where I've turned around and expected to see your grandfather. He had such a presence when he was alive. Do you remember, dear?
ERIN: Yeah.
GRANDMA: He was always very reassuring. (Bt) Sometimes I miss that.
ERIN: I hope Brian and I are as happy as you and Grandpa were. And as happy as Aunt Helen and Uncle Jake. (to Helen) You're kind of like role models to me, 'cause you've been married for so long.
HELEN & JAKE: (flattered) Aww!
ERIN; (to Rita) No offense, Mom.
(Rita smiles coolly. Looks at Jake, who's just finished cleaning up.)
RITA: (wicked) Bet it already feels like you've been married fifty years, huh, Helen?
BRIAN: (mumbling) Has for me.
(Erin looks at him questioningly. Helen glares at Rita.)
HELEN: Ha-ha, Rita.
(Jake comes over and stands beside them.)
JAKE: (oblivious) Gosh, it really has been a long time, hasn't it? (Bt. to Rita) Seems like only yesterday I met you and Amy after I'd proposed to Helen. It was in this room...
(fade-out. fade-in to a flashback from 1975. Amy and Rita are sitting on the living room couch. Amy's fourteen, and looks similar to how she looked as an eight-year-old in "The Tie That Chokes" flashback sequence, only her ponytails are longer and her glasses thicker. She wears some variety of ugly '70's dress. Rita, meanwhile, wears her hair long and parted in the center [as was the style of the time]. Her dress is so short, an inch shorter would reveal her underwear. Jake saunters up to them, sporting thick, wild hair, a moustache, and some ugly '70's flowered shirt with a butterfly collar.)
JAKE: Hey, hey, girls -- the name's Jake.
(Amy and Rita just stare at him like he's some sort of curiosity.)
JAKE: Now let me see: since I've already met Marcia, you must be Jan and Cindy. Right?
(He offers Amy his hand. She looks at it like she doesn't know what it's for. Then looks at Jake.)
AMY: I think we've met before. (Bt. cocks a brow) And under unpleasant circumstances.
RITA: I'm usually Marcia!!!
(Jake takes back his hand, chuckles uneasily. fade-out.)
(fade-in to Jake of the present. He looks sentimental.)
JAKE: Aw, the memories...
(Beat)
HELEN: Speaking of Amy -- where is she? Shouldn't she be here, too?
RITA; I wouldn't be surprised if she made up some excuse. (Bt. bitter) There're probably a lot of one-oh-four fevers going around her area. [*] see "The Tie That Chokes"
GRANDMA: (firm) She'll be here. I gave her a good talking-to the other day.
HELEN: (sarcastic) I'm sure she loved that.
(Beat. Grandma Barksdale sighs.)
GRANDMA: (cocking a brow) She's quite a handful, I must say. (Bt) Still has a sharp tongue, still does what she pleases. And still lives alone.
RITA: (agreeing) And the only baby she'll probably ever have is that silly car.
HELEN: (exasperated) Oh come on. At least she has a boyfriend.
GRANDMA: She does??
RITA: Amy? A boyfriend?? (Bt) What, is he made-up, or something?
HELEN: Now why on earth would she make up a boyfriend??
RITA: She's done it before. (to Grandma) Remember during college -- she pretended to be visiting a guy's family so she could get out of going home for spring break??
GRANDMA: Yes. (groans softly.)
(Beat)
HELEN: (feeling the need to defend Amy) Well she's older, now. She knows better. (Bt) Besides, I've talked to him, and he seems very nice.
GRANDMA: Well that's good to hear.
(Beat)
RITA: (vaguely jealous) Why did he talk to you?
(Beat)
HELEN: Well because... (shakes her head, realizing it's too complicated to explain.) Never mind. (Bt. looks around.) You know, if I may say, this looks like an awful lot of food for just us.
RITA: It's not just going to be us.
HELEN: Huh?
(Beat)
GRANDMA: We're having guests over. (Bt) It was Rita's idea.
HELEN: (to Rita. a slight edge in her tone) What kind of guests?
RITA: Just old friends of Mother and Dad's. Some neighbors, some of Dad's army chums --
HELEN: You mean people who knew us when we were younger and haven't seen us since??
(Rita goes a little pale.)
RITA: Uh... yes. (Bt) I hadn't thought of it... like that.
HELEN: Rita, do you know what you've done?!
(Just then Daria and Quinn show up, having come from upstairs. Daria's smirking.)
DARIA: So we get to hear about embarrassing moments from your past?
RITA: Oh God.
GRANDMA: (to Helen and Rita. annoyed) Honestly you two, I would think you'd enjoy talking to people who knew your father.
HELEN: Maybe -- if we could rely on them not to stray from Dad as the focus of conversation.
JAKE: (attempting to change the subject) So girls -- you have fun upstairs??
DARIA: Not as much fun as you seem to be having down here.
HELEN: (putting a hand to her forehead) Daria, please.
(Beat)
GRANDMA: (exasperated) You two are just being silly, you know that? I'm sure everything will work out just fine.
(Suddenly, from off screen: )
MAN: Hallo, there!!
(Everyone turns to look. An old, portly man is coming toward them from the dining room, having come through the back way. And low and behold -- he's got Amy locked in a firm grip. We see that she's dressed very similarly to how she was in "I Don't," without the glasses, et cetera, and that she's eyeing the man warily.)
MAN: Well look who I found! It's my little Amy-meister! An' she's just as cute as she ever was. Ain't ya, darlin'? (squeezes her harder, plants a sloppy wet one on her cheek.) Ain't ya??
(Pause. Amy gazes at the others. The sound of the man's voice has brought Jimmy back to life, causing him to sit upright in the chair and blink sleepily. Meanwhile Helen and Rita look deeply worried, and Daria's smirking.)
AMY: (weary) So much for my grand entrance.
[Shot of '70's Jake trying to shake hands with Amy and Rita.]
You are now entering commercial HEAVEN. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.
Ha! Thought I'd throw you for a loop this time... Actually, the reasoning behind this shift stems from the fact that since this is a two-parter, with both parts coming out so close together, even I'd have a difficult time finding ten negative commercials in a short period of time. Don't worry: your usual dose of negativity will be back next week...
You are now leaving commercial HEAVEN. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?