SCENE 1 (a residential neighborhood)
(Music: "Come Together")
(Frontal shot of Daria and Vince walking down a sidewalk, past several ordinary middle class homes. Vince walks with seeming grim purpose, bent forward slightly in a way that discourages chit-chat. Daria looks outwardly calm, but she struggles to keep up with him. His distant behavior puzzles her somewhat, given that they seemed to have broken the ice during their last two meetings. But then again, she isn't exactly warm and cuddly herself. Finally:)
DARIA: Um... so who are the other people on staff? Are they high school students, too?
(Beat)
VINCE: (noncommittal) They're an okay bunch. (forehead creases a bit.) The important thing is that you work hard and stay committed to honest writing.
(Beat)
DARIA: (frowning a little) Thank you for answering my question.
(Cut to shot of an ordinary house. Vince waves at Daria to follow him, and they walk across the lawn around to the side. Cut to shot of a basement door. From within, we hear the muffled sounds of people's voices. Daria peers at it dubiously while Vince leans forward to knock.)
DARIA: (thought VO) Just the right place to dump a body. (shudders, takes a step back, looks around.) Why the hell didn't I stay home?
VOICE: (male, inside) What's the password?
VINCE: (rolls his eyes) There isn't any. Let us in.
(A moment passes. Then we hear a click and the door opens. Daria squints, with lack of recognition, at a tall, slender guy about 18-19 years old. He wears a buttoned-down shirt that looks about two sizes too large, a faded pair of jeans, and thick-framed glasses -- a square version of the kind Daria wears. His hair is short and dark and slightly messed-up, as though he just rolled out of bed and forgot to run a comb through it. His face is rather plain, aside from being long and square around the chin, but his dark eyes glimmer with alertness. Overall he's unexceptional-looking, but he carries himself with a quiet self-confidence.)
DARIA: (thought VO) No skull tattoos or questionable scars. So far, so good...
GUY: (pleasant) You're Daria, right? I'm Damien Crawley. Nice to meet you. (Extends his hand, Daria cautiously slips hers into it and lets him shake it.)
DARIA: Same here. (thought VO) No concealed weapons. (Bt) But then again, would a secret club use weapons if its goal was to brainwash you? (Bt., to herself, irritated) Cut it out.
VINCE: (deadpan) Way to lay on the pleasantries, Dam.
(Damien punches him lightly on the shoulder, in such a way as to show he's not bothered by the comment.)
DAMIEN: Come on in... I'll introduce you to everyone.
(He turns around and walks back down into the basement. Vince and Daria follow. Cut to the dim interior, which Daria gazes at with caution.)
DARIA: (thought VO) Dammit, why couldn't Jane be here?? (to Damien) Do you go to Lawndale?
(Damien turns around to face Daria as they reach the bottom of the steps and, surprisingly, bursts out laughing.)
DARIA: (annoyed) I know my high school is a joke, but --
DAMIEN: I went to Lawndale for a little while. Before that, Oakwood. Before that, Monte Vista in California. Finally I decided high school didn't need me, and I didn't need it.
VINCE: He took an equivalency test and passed out.
DARIA: Oh. That's nice. (thought VO) And you plan to live out your days as a basement shut-in? (She mentally kicks herself to prevent another negative thought from reaching the surface -- now is not the time.)
DAMIEN: (calling out) Hey guys, we have a visitor.
(Daria looks past Damien and Vince and sees a rather comfortable-looking rec room. In the center, two large dingy stuffed couches and a couple of padded chairs have been arranged in a circle. Nearby in a corner rest three high- powered computers with giant screens that give off a serene, blue-tinged glow. The surrounding walls have been decorated with murals, clippings of newspaper cartoons, and posters of Beat poets. Within this cocoon we see about a half- dozen teenagers, some of whom we recognize as nonspeaking background characters from other "Daria" episodes. A few sit on the couches, two comparing notes on a notepad, one playing a Game Boy. Another two watch a DVD on one of the computers. Above them, in a pocket where the wall dips down from the ceiling and pushes outward, sits a person sketching. It's difficult to see who unless one happens to be standing in the right location. Since Daria is, she suppresses a look of astonishment when she realizes the person is Andrea.)
(When they see Daria, the members of the group lay aside their activities and stare with muted curiosity, rather than gawk. Andrea glances down at her from her perch, probing Daria for a few moments, before returning to her drawing. Daria, herself, tries not to show any outward signs of her discomfort. As for Vince, he greets the staffers with a brief wave of his hand, and is received the same way. Only after Damien has moved forward and started talking does everyone pay attention.)
DAMIEN: You know Daria, right? (A few nod.) An inmate at Lawndale High. Toiled in obscurity like the rest of us, now chosen to be a part of the underground elite. (turns to Daria.) This is Sara, Lou, and Danny (gestures at the people on the couch.), Jeremy and Liz (at the computer.), and Andrea.
DANNY: (with the Game Boy) 'Scuse me Dam, but "obscurity"? Didn't we put off inviting her because she was too popular?
(This is news to Daria -- who never got this accusation hurled at her except by Andrea during the brief time they hung out.)
DAMIEN: (meaningful glance) Vince knows better than to invite high-profile people.
VINCE: (deadpan) Trust me: I read something of hers that was pretty twisted. No well-liked person could create that.
(Daria rolls her eyes, not so sure she likes this description of herself, either.)
DANNY: Yeah, but she was on the Lowdown and lived with all the populars for that Class Land show. (to Daria) No offense, but this is a club where we go to get away from all the joiners. [*]
DARIA: It's all right. (Bt) Except that being in a club would make you the joiner, not me.
(This comment causes many staffers to chuckle softly, and Danny to nod with concession.)
DARIA: My time on the Lowdown was the result of coercion. [*] (awkward) Look, you don't have to have me if you don't want me.
DAMIEN: Ah, but it's club policy that those who enter may never leave. (smirks at Daria's stunned expression.) Kidding. We just get a little overprotective of our group, since so many people have us on their hit list.
DARIA: (eyes widening) Like?
DAMIEN: (cocks a brow, amused) It's better you not know.
LOU: (smirking) At least it's not the mafia.
VINCE: (sotto) But the list seems to be growing.
DAMIEN: We tell the truth, and the truth hurts. (shrugs nonchalantly.) As you may've guessed, our paper covers a lot of ground. (sees that Daria looks a bit rattled, strives to reassure her.) But look: no one's tried to break down the basement door with pitchforks yet. Our alias policy works pretty well, and we've managed to stay quiet when other people are around.
DARIA: (reluctant) I guess that's okay...
[*] see "Breaking the Mold" and "Surreal World"
(Dissolve to shot of her standing next to one of the computers a short time later. Damien stands over her, while a few of the other members of the group have gathered round. Vince hangs back, off to one side, while Andrea remains in her corner.)
DAMIEN: (summing up his explanation) ... Our paper reflects our status, which, of course, is that of pathetic misfits. (A faint titter from the group.) So of course it's gonna to cover things that are nowhere near the usual school rags, or even in the local paper.
(Daria nods, already aware of this.)
DAMIEN: (half-smirk, raised brow) And, of course, it's gonna be a lot better than the other papers. We don't sell it for profit or use it as a vehicle to promote our popular friends, so we don't need to dumb it down.
(A small half smirk forms on Daria's lips when she hears this.)
DAMIEN: So now that I've told you how things are done, you feel like running out the door screaming?
(Beat)
DARIA: (lowering her eyes in thought) I guess not. (Pause) It seems like it'd be worth a try, at least. (Bt) But would you mind if I just stuck with the occasional editorial? Like "Where the World Went Wrong... Part 225"?
(Damien furrows his brow, as if to consider.)
DAMIEN: I guess... (Pause) But from personal experience, I can tell you that it's more satisfying to be a part of the regular staff. Right guys? (glances around, people nod.)
VINCE: Don't push her into anything, Dam.
DAMIEN: (rolls his eyes) You know that's not my style. (to Daria) No one here has assigned roles, though most people find something they enjoy and stick with it. You might even find that this place becomes like a second home.
(Daria cocks a skeptical eyelid. But, as she surveys the comfortable surroundings and the staffers' seeming ease, she admits that there's some truth to Damien's words.)
DARIA: (giving in) I guess I could try a regular staff assignment.
DAMIEN: Great. (Bt) There's just one catch: we choose your first assignment to test your dedication. So how 'bout you report on the sanitary conditions in the Pizza King's kitchen? We got a tip off the workers there never wash their hands.
DARIA: (repulsed expression) How do I do that?
DAMIEN: That's up to you.
(Daria glances at Vince, who shrugs nonchalantly: apparently this is standard procedure within the group. After another moment's hesitation, she nods.)
DARIA: (wry) Let me guess: you start people off with tough and possibly damaging assignments to get dirt on them early, so that if they left the group and confessed everything, they would get screwed, too.
DAMIEN: (looking impressed) That's right. (Bt) You're pretty good.
DARIA: (feels her cheeks reddening) Um, thanks.
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 2 (walking home, evening)
(Shot of Daria and Vince walking down a residential sidewalk in silence.)
DARIA: Um, thanks for taking me home. (gestures at the dim light.)
VINCE: (deadpan) No problem. It's on the way to my house.
DARIA: Good. (They walk silently for several more seconds.) The staff seemed pretty nice. (Pause) And Damien seems like a good leader.
(Vince slows his pace and turns around. He looks at Daria almost accusingly.)
VINCE: He's not the leader.
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (outside the Pizza King, after school, a few days later)
DARIA: (thought VO) Well the jury is still out about the underground paper. I still don't know if I should trust them, especially after Vince's behavior...
(Shot of Daria walking up to the entrance and standing just outside, looking at it, for the first time, with hesitation.)
DARIA: (thought VO) But here I am, about to embark on my first assignment. (She takes a deep breath and squints at the entrance.) Okay, it's not hard: just walk in, ask for Artie's number. Call Artie: pretend to be a health inspector from an alien planet and let him give you the important details. Assignment completed.
(Shot of Daria walking up to the front counter. A husky middle-aged man approaches her from the other side.)
MAN: (gruff) Yes?
DARIA: (awkward) Could I please speak to Artie?
MAN: Where've you been? I fired that kid two weeks ago -- this after I hired 'im a second time when he lost his damn grocery store job. He a friend of yours? (grits his teeth.) 'Cause I'd like a word with him.
DARIA: Um, no. (Pause, doesn't know what to say.) Thanks.
(She takes a few steps back from the counter. The man shrugs and goes back to his business. Daria cranes her neck to get a good look into the kitchen, not really succeeding.)
DARIA: (thought VO) All right, on to Plan B: ask to speak to another employee. (Pause) Although none of them looks like they speak English. (glances doubtfully at the thinly-populated room.) Ask the customers if they've found any dark-colored pellets in their crust? (She shakes her head, then walks outside to think.)
(Cut to the outside. Daria slumps against the wall.)
VOICE: (off screen, quiet) Hey.
(Daria flinches with surprise as we see Andrea walk up to her, lit cigarette in hand.)
DARIA: Did Damien send you to keep an eye on me?
ANDREA: (with, we notice, far less hesitation than in "Andrea Speaks!") I always come here. I just went out back to smoke. (Bt) So how's it going?
DARIA: If you mean the article: it's not. I'm trying to figure out how to get details without being too conspicuous.
ANDREA: You could apply for a job.
DARIA: Apply?? For just one article?
ANDREA: (shrugging) You could quit once you've gotten your info.
DARIA: (reluctant) But what if the manager won't hire me? What if I write a negative article and he traces it back to me and --
ANDREA: (assuring) Relax. Look at this place. (gestures at the interior.) I'll bet plenty of ex-employees have axes to grind.
(Daria pauses to consider. Then she heaves a sigh.)
DARIA: If he comes after me, I could always say it was Artie...
(Dissolve to shot of her walking back into the Pizza King wearing a "I can't believe I'm doing this" expression. With sound muted, she goes up to the counter asks for a job. The counter man looks at her a little funny, then hands her an application. Cut to later shot of Daria walking back outside, where Andrea awaits.)
DARIA: (rolling her eyes) I swore I'd never go back into food service.
ANDREA: So you got the job?
DARIA: Not officially, but let's just say there wasn't a lot of competition. Thanks for suggesting it. (Pause) I'm glad, um... (Andrea looks at her quizzically.) things aren't so bad between us as they were. (Bt) I think?
(Beat)
ANDREA: Oh that? (shrugs a shoulder.) I was pissed off at you for a while, but I got over it. Being on the underground helped. (Bt) Actually, I should thank you: if not for you, I wouldn't've joined.
DARIA: How come??
ANDREA: One day in Spanish class I drew a picture of you getting pierced by a thousand arrows. (She doesn't seem to notice Daria's eyes widen.) I don't usually draw in Spanish class 'cause its one of my favorites, but like I said, I was pissed off at you, had to get it out of my system. (Bt) Damien had Spanish with me then, and when he saw my work, he asked if I wanted to join the underground. I wasn't going to, but he said I could draw stuff like that all the time.
DARIA: (a little pale) Um, great.
ANDREA: I started doing their cartoons. Pretty soon I was hanging out with Damien and others on the staff. They told me about their screwed up home lives, and (cheeks pinken ever so slightly.) got me to tell them about mine. It was a total shock, that there were people who actually gave a damn about me. (Again Daria gets a pained expression, which Andrea doesn't notice.) People would say we're all a bunch of loser misanthropes, but those guys are the most caring people I know.
DARIA: But does the staff really try to stay so committed to truth, justice, and the American Way, or was Damien just spouting a lot of bull?
ANDREA: Oh we do, definitely. (smirks.) We love knowing our paper's more honest than the professional crap out there.
DARIA: (sardonic) You make it sound almost too good to be true.
ANDREA: (shrugs) Yeah, I do, don't I? But it's not. (Bt) And Damien keeps getting all kinds of ideas for how to improve it. (turns to Daria.) Don't worry about his assignment: once it's finished, you can choose whichever topic you want.
DARIA: Thanks. (remembers the post-meeting.) So where does Vince fit in to all this?
(Andrea makes a face.)
ANDREA: Vince? He makes me look like a socialite. Don't mind him: he's a real talented guy, but he wants to stay a loner. So after a while, we let him be one.
DARIA: (remembering the library) He didn't seem so bad when he recruited me.
ANDREA: (raises a brow) Yeah, that was kind of weird. Vince has never recruited anyone before.
(Daria gets a strange look on her face.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (montage, throughout the week)
(Shot of Daria standing in front of the mirror of a filthy Pizza King bathroom, dressed in her work clothes. For good measure, she's stuffed most of her hair beneath her collar and is wearing a cap with a bill that shades the upper half of her face. She fingers the apron she's wearing with disdain.)
(Music: "Help!")
(Shot of Daria standing in the cramped kitchen. She stealthily removes a camera from behind her apron and takes a picture of the dirty floor and counter tiles. Cut to shot of her covertly taking notes in the background as in the foreground, one of the other employees kneads dough that contains a few strands of his hair.)
(Cut to shot of Daria sitting in English class, jotting down some more notes. Jane watches her absorption with faint amusement and interest. Daria then looks up and sees O'Neill staring at her with a surprised expression. She realizes, with guilt, that he had asked her a question.)
(Cut to shot of Daria in Damien's basement. She's showing Damien and Vince a copy of a draft. Damien looks pleased, while Vince looks less excited. He points to areas that could use improvement.)
(Cut to shot of Daria wiping a counter with a sour expression on her face. Jane and Tom walk up to the front counter to wave hello, which only succeeds in embarrassing her. Cut to shot of her later sweeping the floor, looking ill. We see that some of what she's sweeping is rat droppings.)
(Cut to shot of Daria coming home in the evening and finding her house silent. She turns and heads upstairs, expression dispirited.)
(Cut to shot of Daria typing on her computer with a frantic eagerness we've never seen before.)
(Cut to shot of her sitting at one of the computers with. Danny shows her the layout of the front page with her article on it. With a certain amount of pleasure, he shows her the tools used to design the page, while Daria watches with interest.)
(Cut to close-up shot of Damien's high-quality laser printer shooting out countless pages. Cut to shot of the staffers looking over the pages eagerly, sending compliments each other's way and Daria's way. Daria hangs back a little as the others begin organizing and stapling the papers together. Damien waves at her good-naturedly to come join them.)
(Cut to shot of Daria walking out the Pizza King and tossing her apron in the nearest dumpster, an obvious sign that she's quit.)
(End music. Fade-out. Fade-in to: )
SCENE 5 (LHS, morning)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of a student reading a copy of the underground paper, wearing a repulsed expression. She rushes over to her friend and shows her select passages, causing the friend to look repulsed as well. Cut to wide shot of the hallway: we see many people leafing through copies -- more than ever before. Close-up of Kevin and Brittany looking green around the gills after viewing some graphic photos of the Pizza King kitchen. Close-up of Upchuck letting his half- eaten breakfast burrito fall onto the ground as he clutches his stomach and makes a funny noise. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, watching. Daria's face is expressionless, but there's an obvious glow in her cheeks and a liveliness in her eyes that Jane takes note of.)
JANE: (smirking, hushed tone) To think this is all your doing.
DARIA: Yep.
(Cut to shot of Kevin and Brittany. Kevin sways a little; then, with the intent of heading toward the nearby men's room, runs into a locker face-first. Resume shot of Daria and Jane.)
JANE: I see why your group likes to hand out copies rather than keep an online newspaper: that way they can witness the fallout for themselves.
DARIA: Still, reading about filth is nothing compared to working in it. (turns to Jane, pride creeping into her tone.) Every day I was ready to quit that job. But I kept thinking how important it was to expose people to the way our favorite hangout's been abusing our trust. And whenever I started to waver, the other people on staff backed me up.
JANE: (sardonic) Aww, how sweet.
DARIA: I can't believe I lasted as long as I did. Even more shocking, that I kept myself hidden from our peers.
JANE: You definitely went above and beyond your usual range of activity. (cocks a knowing brow.) Admit it, Mr. Sinclair: all that muckraking made for quite a thrill, didn't it?
DARIA: (conceding) I definitely didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. It was like that time I wrote the teen peer pressure article for the Lowdown. (sour expression.) Except this newspaper's not afraid to print my work.
JANE: Yeah. Too bad no one knows it's yours. (Daria frowns at the faint note of distaste in her friend's playful tone.) So I take it you'll be sticking with this group?
DARIA: (nodding) Given that my home life's hardly improved, I'd say it's the better option. But that doesn't mean I'll be like Vince and cut class. As pointless as most high school assignments are, avoiding them will just make it harder to graduate. (Just as she says this, she spies a note that someone has slid into her locker. She opens it and gets a look of surprise.) Speak of the devil...
(Cut to shot of a hand-written note. It states: "You know I'm not much for talking, so thought this would be the best way to tell you you did a good job. Writing was honest and straight forward without exaggeration, which is how it should be. I knew I chose you for a reason. -- Vince.")
(Cut to shot of Jane, peaking over Daria's shoulder.)
JANE: (smirking) Someone likes you...
(Daria swivels around, blushing, and folds the note.)
DARIA: (mumbles) Well someone's got a funny way of showing it -- like no way.
(Just then, we see Jodie walking over, carrying a copy of the underground. Just before she reaches Jane and Daria, she takes one last frowning look at her paper, crumples it up, and hurls it into the nearest trash can. Daria winces involuntarily.)
JODIE: Hey guys.
JANE: (bemused) Was that paper gazing at Mack in a less-than-innocent manner?
JODIE: (making a face) I really wish people wouldn't bring this thing on campus.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Why?
JODIE: Students don't need to read the ramblings of a bunch of reclusive types who, for all we know, could be making up half of what they write.
JANE: No kidding.
DARIA: Like the Pizza King article?
JODIE: Yeah. How hard is it to put together some doomsday writing and a bunch of doctored photos so it looks more horrible than it is?
DARIA: (an edge in her tone) Or maybe it really is that bad.
JODIE: (rolling her eyes) The Pizza King is popular; don't you think someone else would have noticed a health violation?
DARIA: Maybe. (harder edge.) But given how most people are so wrapped up in themselves, they probably never thought to question the stability of their comfort spot until now, only to discover that it's almost beyond saving.
JODIE: (eyes Daria strangely) All right, fine. Well whoever writes for this paper had better be careful of Ms. Li. Now that it seems to be getting more popular, she's gonna take notice. And I don't think she's gonna like it.
JANE: (weary) Surprise, surprise. (Jodie smirks faintly and waves goodbye to her and Daria. Once she's gone:) Simmer down, girl. Do you want to give yourself away??
DARIA: No. (she sighs, then scowls.) It just pisses me off that a business can be so incredibly negligent, yet some people would rather blame the ones who try to open their eyes. Dammit, nothing in my article was incorrect.
(Jane nods supportively, but also with some concern at the bitterness in her friend's tone.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (Damien's place, several days later)
(Music: "The Ballad of John and Yoko")
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria sitting on the couch, reading the Lawndale Sun-Herald with a dull expression. The headline of the article reads: "Popular Restaurant Denies All Charges." Hyper-close-up on the subhead reveals: "Health Inspector Gives Pizza King a Clean Bill of Health." Daria looks up, faint disappointment and lack of surprise evident. Zoom out to shot that the other newspaper staffers are gathered around, some looking at Daria, others doing their own thing. Andrea leans over Daria, looks at the article.)
DARIA: That kitchen would never pass muster with the health inspector. Not unless his standards are depressingly low.
ANDREA: Maybe they cleaned up before the inspector could come. (Bt) Or they bribed him.
DANNY: I was thinking bribe, myself.
LOU: Me, too.
DARIA: Whatever it was, nothing will get done until someone gets very, very sick. (cocks a weary eyelid.) It was nice to think for one-tenth of a second that something I wrote could make a difference.
(Andrea looks unusually compassionate, as do some of the other staffers.)
VINCE: (trace of sympathy in his deadpan) You did your best, and people read what you had to say. Now it's up to them to decide if what you wrote was the truth.
DARIA: (trying to take comfort) I guess.
DAMIEN: (coming over, reassuring) Anyway, this happens a lot. We write what we see, the people we criticize brush us off, they're in the clear.
ANDREA: (with distaste) Happened when I wrote about the tainted water in Oakwood's drinking fountains. Took the football players getting poisoned before anyone took the charges seriously.
DAMIEN: And when they realize they've been beaten, they try and figure out who we are.
DARIA: (disquieted) Has anyone come close to succeeding?
DAMIEN: No.
VINCE: (cryptic) We haven't given them enough ammo to succeed.
DANNY: (angry) Yeah, and I'm getting kind of sick of it. (People look at him.) More people are reading what we say, but it's still like we're invisible.
ANDREA: Isn't that the point?
VINCE: (chilling tone) We're not in this to get attention. We're in it to provide an alternate voice.
DANNY: (annoyed) Well duh, Vince.
VINCE: You'd better think real hard about what kind of attention we could get.
DAMIEN: (intervening) Guys, guys -- trust me. We can make people take us seriously and not get caught. I'll make sure of it.
VINCE: (sarcastic) Aren't we confident.
(There's a meaning in his look that only Damien understands, and he flinches minutely before turning to Daria.)
DAMIEN: But right now, let's get off of the subject: it's making Daria nervous.
DARIA: (a little pale) Oh no, I'm not -
DAMIEN: How'd you like it if we took you out to get your mind off of things? (smirks.) We overworked staffers do like to have fun now and then.
VINCE: (frowning) She doesn't need us to hold her hand, Dam. She just had a setback. It's, like, normal.
OTHER STAFFERS: Aw c'mon!/Don't be such a wet blanket, Vince!
DARIA: (mildly worried) Does this "fun" involve some form of mild torture for your newest member?
DAMIEN: (making Ix-nay gestures) Nope. None of that. No getting stoned, no drinking, no humiliation.
(Daria pauses to think before sighing in a conceding manner.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (In Scarsborough, several miles away, early nightfall.)
(Close-up of Daria's face.)
DARIA: Oh the humiliation.
(Cut to wide shot. She's standing next to Damien, holding a putter and watching as her ball ricochets off of a plastic pink elephant's foot and fails to go through the tunnel that leads to the rest of the course.)
DAMIEN: Whoo-hoo! That now puts me twenty strokes ahead. (does a fist pump.)
(Cut to wider shot showing the other staffers with putts, or else sitting on the bench, eating junk food. Vince is noticeably absent. The sign overhead reads Big Harvey's Miniature Golf, and in the background we see a large castle, a green dinosaur, etc.)
DARIA: I think that elephant stuck its foot out on purpose. (Bt) Either that, or it's the cheese fries. The fat and cholesterol are affecting my blood flow.
DANNY: (hopeful) So could I have the rest of them?
DARIA: Over my dead, artery-clogged body.
ANDREA: (looking at the dinosaur) You think I should get that for a tattoo?
DARIA: Why not? Nothing says "menacing" like a dinosaur shaped like a giant inflatable pool toy.
(Andrea scowls mildly: "Good point," and pulls out a cigarette. Daria smirks at her.)
DAMIEN: (to Andrea, preparing to take his turn) Aren't you gonna finish telling us about your latest crisis?
ANDREA: (unfazed) Oh, right. So anyway, since Mom's relapse, she and my ultra-religious stepfather have been at each other's throats. She keeps telling him she won't go back to A.A., then to prove that she's got, like, a shred of parenting skills, she gets on my case about getting a job so I can clean up my act. (disdain.) Like she has the right.
DAMIEN: (brow raised) Geez, even after the disaster with Pay Day?
ANDREA: Yeah. Go figure. (to Damien) 'Kay, your turn. Enlighten Daria.
DAMIEN: Lessee... (to Daria) my parents have been split up for about three years. I used to live with my mother, but we developed some bad blood between us, so I went to live with my dad, who's only interested in one thing: when am I gonna go to college or find a real job? He seems to think all I do is play video games, or something.
DARIA: (out of curiosity) Have you ever looked for a job?
DAMIEN: (making a face) I interned at the Peach Tree Gazette a couple years ago, but I could only take so much of their dictating. "Your article must be X amount of length and Y amount of sentences, and if we don't like it, we'll gut it." (looks at Daria.) Don't get me wrong: I plan to be a professional someday, but right now it's just nice to feel like I have control over my own work, you know what I'm saying?
DARIA: (nodding slowly) Yeah. (Bt) But maybe --
DAMIEN: All right, now it's your turn. (hits his ball into the hole, smiles at Daria.)
DARIA: To putt?
DAMIEN: Yeah. But also to tell your story. I mean, if you'd feel comfortable.
(Daria blushes a little, sets up her ball again.)
DARIA: Sure. I guess. (She glances at the members of her group, a little hesitant to trust them enough to dish out her personal details the way they seem so comfortable doing. Finally she sighs a small "Give 'em the benefit of the doubt" sigh.) You'll probably just think it's boring. My parents are actually together... and during odd moments of inspiration, they even manage to parent.
(This gets nods from Damien, Andrea, Danny, etc. Daria's face takes on a vaguely pained expression.) Although lately neither seems to be much in the mood to do that.
DANNY: Mid-life crisis? Possible affair?
DARIA: (a little unnerved by his bluntness) Um, I doubt it's that big a deal. (face falls a tad. softer.) At least I hope it's not. (musters a wry tone.) Maybe I could use my reporting skills to figure out where my dad really goes at night.
ANDREA: If you can handle what you find.
(Daria looks annoyed when she hears this, but then her shoulders slump with concession.)
DAMIEN: (softly) Besides, I doubt it would help.
DANNY: (with a pained expression, as though he's tried the same thing) Yeah.
(Daria's expression tells us she takes comfort in people understanding her problems. At the same time, she finds it alarming that they would understand, given their seemingly darker backgrounds.)
DARIA: (gazing down at her putter) That could be why I haven't tried. (Bt) I might confide in my sister if she and I were on speaking terms. But she's so obsessed with becoming a star mathematician, she thinks everything I say is an attempt to undermine her concentration. And what with my suspicions of her math teacher, she's probably right.
ANDREA: Which one? (Bt) Mr. Phelps?
(Daria nods. Andrea and Danny get sour looks, indicating their familiarity with Phelps's priggish reputation. Damien's expression becomes difficult to read.)
DAMIEN: (thoughtfully) Yeah. Authority figures can jerk you around and never get caught -- especially teachers. And while you can't stop what's happening to your parents, maybe there are some things you can stop.
DARIA: I'll believe that when it happens. (As she says this, she hits her ball without hardly looking at it.)
DAMIEN: (looking off screen) Hey! It finally made it through!
(cut to: )
SCENE 8 (Morgendorffer residence, midnight)
(Shot of the darkened outside. A car, presumably Damien's, drives up to the curb and Daria gets out. Cut to shot of the interior. Daria unlocks the door and walks inside, looking a little surprised by the total silence around her. In spite of her parents' neglectful natures, she would have expected one of them to be there, ready to go ballistic about her coming home late without calling. Disheartened, she walks toward the stairs. Then something clicks inside her. She pauses, her expression hardening into a "Screw this: I don't care anymore" shape, before she continues upstairs.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 9 (LHS, several days later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria standing next to O'Neill's desk, her shoulders scrunched up and expression dour, more so than we can recall seeing it.)
O'NEILL: (almost-crushed expression) You've given up on tutoring? Oh my... (tries to console himself.) But I understand if something unexpected has come up that requires your attention.
DARIA: Good for you.
O'NEILL: Um... (looks at her carefully, tries to get through to her in a way that would not cause her to back off.) Is there anything you might like to discuss?
DARIA: (backing off) Not particularly.
(Cut to shot of Jane standing outside the door, unnoticed, as the conversation continues with the sound muffled. She watches Daria with concern.)
(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of Jane and Daria walking home a short time later. Although they're in mid-conversation, one gets the sense there's tension between them. Daria still looks gloomy and irritable.)
DARIA: ...So we're in the bathroom, not talking as usual, when all of a sudden Quinn starts explaining why she's been so pissed off at me. (scrunches her nose, imitation.) Apparently I've been a "jerk. Not, like, a super big jerk, but a jerk."
JANE: Wow. She spoke to you voluntarily? Why?
DARIA: (face darkening) Probably just to chew me out like that. Quite ironic, considering I've barely been home these past few weeks.
JANE: Maybe it was just her clumsy, immature way of breaking the ice. We both know humility's not your sister's forte.
DARIA: Which is exactly why I've given up hoping for an olive branch from her. (frowns.) I said: "You feel that whenever I talk I sound like a jerk? Fine. Then I promise not to talk to you ever again." And I left.
JANE: Did she come after you?
DARIA: She followed me to my room, but before she could come in, I closed the door on her. (lips curl slightly.) Let her see how she likes it.
(Jane cringes involuntarily at Daria's withering tone of voice.)
JANE: My, so forceful. So final.
DARIA: (grim) It's something I should have done weeks ago. Instead, like an idiot, I let her jerk my chain around. Well no more.
JANE: Yeah. (smirks sarcastically.) And if you're really lucky, when she does find that olive branch, she'll be too intimidated to offer it to you.
DARIA: Do I detect a hidden meaning in that statement?
JANE: There's no meaning. It's just, well... (awkward.) you might have handled things less aggressively a few weeks ago.
DARIA: Precisely. What's your point?
JANE: So... something happened between now and then to make you more aggressive.
(Beat)
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) And that something would be the underground paper, I presume? (Jane pauses, then nods.) I knew there was a reason you wanted to walk home with me.
JANE: "Reason"? (irritated.) For God's sake, Daria, we've always walked home together, and now I practically have to beg you 'cause you're so busy.
(Beat)
DARIA: Hmmm. (Bt) So I'm guessing from your tone that you're less than thrilled that I'm still on staff?
JANE: It's not a jealousy thing, believe me. If you spent 24/7 on something that made you feel better about your life, like that you could be there for your family without having to solve their problems, I'd say more power to you.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Whereas the underground paper fulfills none of those goals. Correct?
JANE: Let's just say you seem extra bitter lately. Not just about Quinn, who may well have deserved what you gave her, but about everything. It's like you'd bite the head off of the world if you could just wrap your teeth around its neck.
DARIA: There's a lovely image.
JANE: And for an explanation, I go to the most obvious source. (At this, Daria cocks an eyelid, but allows Jane to continue.) I took a closer look at the articles in the more recent issues, and they are cynical. I mean darker-than-you-and-I cynical. Some of them read like thinly-veiled cries for help.
DARIA: And?
JANE: Do you really think these are the best people to hang out with when you're already in a blue mood?
DARIA: Believe it or not, I do. And what's more, I don't even think they're too cynical; they're just more realistic because working on the underground has exposed them to corruption most people don't even want to think about. (cheeks redden.) I'm shocked to hear you criticize, given how you hated being labeled a "dangerously disturbed teen" during the school election.
JANE: (wincing at the memory) True. But the bottom line is that if these guys do spout an inordinate amount of negative verbiage, I hope you won't take everything they say to heart. (Bt) I mean it was kind of nice to see you grow more optimistic after spending time with Jodie and the others on "Class Land" --
(This comment briefly throws Daria out of rhythm. She frowns at its implications.)
DARIA: What are you saying? That people like Jodie are a better influence on me than Vince, Damien, and Andrea? That I'd better hang out with her, or risk emotional meltdown?
JANE: (face reddening) That's not what I'm saying. Not exactly...
DARIA: (cool) So not only do you not trust my group, you don't trust me. Gee, which of us is really the one that's changed, here?
JANE: What do you mean??
DARIA: There used to be a time when you were as much on the outside as the guys on staff. And now you're belittling them.
JANE: (rolling her eyes) What, I'm some kind of non-outcast because I don't agree with every single frickin' thing your friends on staff believe?? Didn't you just bring up the crap I went through during the election?
DARIA: Yes. Though I can't help but think that something happened between now and then to dilute its effect.
JANE: Like what? (Pause) Tom? (Daria cocks an eyelid.) Dating Tom has made me forget my outcast roots, is that what you're saying?? (sarcastic chuckle.) How the hell could you think that?
DARIA: Hmmm... wealthy guy, preppy clothing, prestigious school, mainstream outlook. Yes, I do not know how I could have reached that conclusion.
JANE: You know that's crazy.
DARIA: I don't know, actually.
(Beat)
JANE: Tell me we're not having this conversation.
DARIA: You're the one who started it.
(Pause. Jane just groans and shakes her head. Daria remains stoic, yet visibly angry that her friend has challenged her judgment.)
JANE: (smirking, irritated) Okay, fine Daria, fine. You know what? Forget what I said: be cynical. Be as freakin' cynical as you want. Don't give a damn about anything or anybody. And if you want to believe I've been duped by Tom's vanilla-flavored pragmatism, you just go right ahead. Blame a friend for caring.
(She breaks away and starts walking. Daria's face saddens a little, as she wishes the conversation wouldn't end this way.)
DARIA: (a little louder) I know you care. But I also know I can take care of myself.
(Jane stops briefly to look over her shoulder.)
JANE: I hope so, Daria.
[Shot of Daria walking down the basement stairs with Damien and Vince, followed by shot of Daria sweeping the floor of the Pizza King, followed by shot of Daria, Jane, and Jodie, followed by shot of Daria and the members of the underground playing miniature golf.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?