SCENE 1 (Jane's house, later that day)
(Shot of the outside.)
JANE: (off screen voice-over) Boy, that was a close one.
(Cut to shot of her and Daria in her room, looking wood carvings, engravings, and other purchases from the arts and crafts fair.)
DARIA: What was?
JANE: That encounter between Trent and your cousin earlier today. Didn't you see the way she was totally putting the moves on him??
DARIA: I believe they exchanged dialogue, yes.
(Fade-out. fade-in to flashback. Trent and Jane have gotten out of the car and are standing across from Daria and Erin.)
ERIN: So you're a musician?
TRENT: Uh-huh. I play in a band called Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking about changing our name.
ERIN: That's nice.
TRENT: We've been wanting to do it for a long time.
ERIN: Cool. (Bt) So've you ever thought of changing it to something like "Electric Sunrise"?
TRENT: (mulling it over) "Electric Sunrise"? Could be cool.
ERIN: I've always wanted to name something "Electric Sunrise," but I didn't know what. (giggles a little.)
TRENT: I know what you mean. I've always wanted to name something "Frozen Caterpillar," but I didn't know what.
ERIN: Neat.
JANE: (off screen voice-over from the present) I did not like where this obviously sexually-charged conversation was going.
DARIA: (off screen voice-over from the present) You got "sexual charge" out of it?
(In the flashback, Daria stifles a yawn. Jane steps forward.)
JANE: But Trent, doesn't "Electric Sunrise" sound like a name that one of your ex-girlfriends toward whom you harbor bitter feelings -- like Denise or Monique -- would've chosen? [*] see "'Shipped Out," "Lane Miserables"
TRENT: Hmmm... I never really thought about it.
JANE: (off screen voice-over. triumphant) I saved your ass right then and there.
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) How so?
ERIN: Oh... I wouldn't want to give you a name that would cause bad memories.
(Cut back to present shot of Daria and Jane.)
JANE: How?? The conversation broke up soon after, Trent got into his car and drove home, and he's still yours for the taking. It's a good thing your cousin's so shallow, or else Trent would have sounded a whole lot more interesting.
DARIA: Um yeah... shallow. (gets a slightly uncomfortable look on her face.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, at that same time)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Erin in the kitchen with the cordless phone at her ear.)
ERIN: Hey... Mom?
(Cut to split screen. It's not Rita, but Jimmy from "None in the Family, Part One" who's at the other end. He's sitting up in bed, his upper torso bare. He looks his usual scraggly and apathetic self.)
ERIN: Mom? Is that you?
(Pause. Then Jimmy groans.)
JIMMY: Do I sound like your mother??
ERIN: (annoyed) Could you put her on the phone, please?
(Jimmy groans again and lazily hands the phone to Rita -- pan over to show only her. She is also sitting up in bed, her exposed parts bare.)
RITA: (to Erin. concerned) Baby, is that you?
ERIN: Uh-huh. (wrinkles her nose.) Ugh, Mother why did you get back together with Jimmy?? He's such a boring do-nothing, no-talent slob.
(Beat)
RITA: (surprised) But he's cute.
ERIN: Whatever. I just called to tell you I'm doing okay. (giggles a little.) Better than okay, actually -- wonderful! Today's the day I went the longest without thinking of Brian. A whole two hours!
RITA: Oh... that is wonderful news! Well I only hope that pathetic jerk is making the phone ring off the hook because he wants you back so badly. Well don't forgive him, baby.
ERIN: (paling... realizing the phone's been quiet) Um... well... uh, I won't.
RITA: Now have your Aunt Helen and Uncle Jake been treating you well? (voice takes on a slightly hurt tone.) You know, baby, you didn't have to stay with them -- Mama would've been more than happy to take you in and help you through your ordeal.
ERIN: Oh, um, that's really sweet of you, and I was actually thinking of doing that, but Aunt Helen --
RITA: (bristling) Oh, let me guess. She probably twisted your arm and pressured you with her incessant talking until you had no choice but to say "yes," right??
ERIN: Um... right.
RITA: That is so typical of her.
ERIN: And I couldn't leave now. I'd feel guilty.
RITA: That's too bad. We could've been gal pals and gone out cruising for guys every night.
ERIN: ("Ugh... 'gal pals' with Mom??") Actually, no offense, but --
RITA: We could've found you someone better. You know, baby, I didn't want to say it, but Brian always reminded me too much of your father.
ERIN: (sighing) Oh Mom, do we have to talk about Dad again?
RITA: Well I'm sorry, I can't help it. That bastard -- I can't believe he just abandoned us the way he did --!
ERIN: (quickly) But that was fifteen years ago, and you've done a great job bringing me up, believe me.
RITA: (more sober) I hope so.
ERIN: Anyway, I met a really great guy today who's nothing like Dad. And (giggles) he asked me out!
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Daria's room, that evening)
(Close-up of Daria.)
DARIA: He what?
ERIN: Trent asked me out!
DARIA: How? We saw him leave before --
ERIN: I know, I know -- but after you guys'd left, he came back. Said he'd forgotten to give your friend something. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to go watch him play at this club, whatever it's called...
DARIA: The Zen?
ERIN: Yes!
DARIA: He asks everyone that.
ERIN: (enthusiasm fading a little) Oh. (Bt) But at least it's great he asked me, 'cause I'll get to see him again.
DARIA: Uh-huh.
ERIN: And he's just the way I remember him -- really nice, really considerate, hotter than hell. (giggles a little.) He's got this really cool smile that has "sensitive" written all over it. I know I could be so happy with him.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Oh really?
ERIN: Yeah, I can just see it -- he'd travel on the road with his band and play his crybaby music, and I'd be the supportive girlfriend who he'd dedicate songs to.
DARIA: (sardonic) I don't suppose you had these pie-in-the-sky fantasies when you were dating Brian, did you?
(Pause)
ERIN: Well... (slightly defensive.) maybe I did. But so what? Just because I have the same fantasies doesn't mean they're the same guy.
DARIA: True... but allow me to throw a wrench of caution into your schemes. (Bt) Trent sleeps fourteen hours a day.
ERIN: I could live with that. (Bt) Besides, he won't be that way forever, right?
(Daria shrugs cryptically.)
DARIA: He speaks in monosyllables.
ERIN: I like quiet men.
DARIA: He never changes his clothes. His personal hygiene is highly questionable.
ERIN: So? I could change that.
DARIA: So you say. And most of all, he's not exactly known for being considerate of his girlfriends.
ERIN: That's just because he hasn't found the right one yet. But I just know that once we get together, he'll be a whole different guy.
(Beat)
DARIA: You seem very confident. What makes you so sure Trent is going to change -- or that you could change him? Especially when you just confessed that he's the ideal guy for you right now, the way he is?
ERIN: Oh, I don't mean that by "different guy," he'd stop being nice and considerate. I would just iron out the rough spots on him, so that the rest of him was just as good. I mean, that's what they call the "power of love," right?? The way you can transform someone into something else?
(Pause. Daria pales a little and averts her eyes. She appears to be pondering something.)
ERIN: Daria?
(Beat)
DARIA: (deadpan) Um...thanks for telling me. I wish you good luck on the journey to your new life.
ERIN: Um actually... (makes a move to sit on the bed, after looking at it with some trepidation.) I also sort of wanted to ask you a favor.
DARIA: (wary) What?
ERIN: (hesitant) Well... even though I know Trent and I will be together eventually, he only seems to think of me as a friend, now. I thought... since you know him, maybe you could tell me some stuff about him, ways I can get his attention.
(Pause. Again, Daria wears an uneasy, thoughtful expression.)
ERIN: (more urgent) Please, Daria?? It would really mean a lot to me, and I'd pay you back if you wanted. (Bt) I could take you and your friend shopping for a new wardrobe, or (looks uneasily at the padded walls and bones.) give you... some decorating tips.
(long Pause. Daria still looks thoughtful. Then slowly, she nods.)
DARIA: You're so set on having him, how can I refuse? I'll help you.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Pizza King, the next afternoon)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the inside, where Daria, Jane, and Tom are sharing a booth. Jane and Tom are finishing off a large pie, while Daria is bent over a notepad, scribbling. Tom peers over, then eyes Jane mischievously.)
TOM: Should we ask her what she's writing?
JANE (also mischievous) Again? But wouldn't that be invasive of us?
TOM: Yeah -- it would definitely be disrespecting her privacy.
DARIA: (annoyed) Since when has that ever stopped you?
(She groans, sits up, and pushes the notepad toward them. Jane and Tom examine it with interest.)
TOM: Ooh-la-la... intense. "Look at the way/ They're tearing up the streets/ Look out -- they're turning on their own..."
JANE: (delighted) Methinks these are song lyrics. (Bt) You plan on giving them to Trent?
DARIA: (clipped) Yep.
TOM: Great -- Mystik Spiral could use some new songs. "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire"'s been played to death.
JANE: The man'll be putty in your hands.
DARIA: The lyrics aren't from me. They're from Erin.
(Beat)
JANE: (confused) Erin??
TOM: Who's Erin?
JANE: Daria's ditzy cousin. (Bt) Daria, why are you giving these to her?? These are good lyrics.
DARIA: So?
JANE: So if you don't want her to win Trent over, shouldn't you at least be writing skanky lyrics for her?
DARIA: I doubt Mystik Spiral would know the difference.
JANE: True. (Pause. raises a brow.) Okay Daria, what's up?
(awkward Pause. Daria averts her eyes, then lets them drift toward Tom, who gets the idea.)
TOM: (faux anxious) Oh my -- look at the time! I really gotta get to... wherever I have to go.
(He jumps up and gives Jane a peck on the lips, which she seems to appreciate, but which makes Daria blush with discomfort.)
TOM: See ya, Daria.
DARIA: (half-hearted) Bye.
(Beat)
JANE: Okay, now that we're alone. Daria, if you like Trent, why are you doing your best to set him up with your cousin? Even for you, that's twisted.
DARIA: I just... felt sorry for her, that's all.
JANE: Yes, it's true -- the poor gal's been jilted. But still, for you to be this generous to her, after the way you talked about her yesterday morning, seems very, very strange.
DARIA: (frowning. defensive) Why?? That was before she started telling me about how important it was to find the right guy and have a fulfilling relationship. For once, I actually felt like we saw eye-to-eye on something. (Bt. blushes a little.) I... would like that, too.
JANE: Well great, that makes two of us. But still, I don't know if I completely buy your excuse. There's gotta be something more... (Pause. looks closely at Daria.) Wait a minute... (smirks wickedly.) Daria, you wouldn't by chance be using Erin's relationship with Trent as some kind of vicarious experiment, would you??
(Daria averts her eyes, a guilty expression flickering across her face.)
DARIA: (feigning innocence... badly) Um, I... don't know what you're...
JANE: (satisfied) Ah-ha -- just as I suspected. You're afraid if you told Trent your feelings about him, he'd reject you. But because Erin's pretty, there's no way he'd reject her, especially after you write her these great song lyrics. So they start to date, and you live vicariously through her experiences, without feeling pain and humiliation. Splendid work, Cyrano.
(Beat. Daria's frown deepens.)
DARIA: (sarcastic) Thank you, Dr. Ruth. Though actually, my plan is to watch Erin interact with Trent and find out whether it's really true that love is a transforming experience.
JANE: A what?
DARIA: (reddening) Whether... you become a different person through loving someone. Whether it makes you deeper... or better... or just not who you are now.
JANE: (raising a brow) Hmm, sounds like some pretty heady stuff. What made you think of it, all of a sudden?
DARIA: (reddening even more) It wasn't so "all of a sudden." When I looked through Amy's photos for the first time, the question just popped into my head. It's stayed with me on and off these past two weeks, until my talk with Erin last night really got me thinking about it.
JANE: Hmm... okay. But don't you think you could solve the mystery without risking your prospects with Trent? If you're so scared of getting rejected, you could at least ask someone with experience. Like Amy -- since her photos were the ones that started it all.
(Daria looks down, clearly uncomfortable.)
DARIA: (with unusual fierceness) I don't want to ask Amy. (Pause) If I do, I might find out that love changes you, all right, but not for the better.
JANE: What d' you mean?
(Daria reaches over into her backpack and retrieves a few folded up e-mails, which she hands to Jane. Jane looks them over, smirks, then bursts into chuckles.)
DARIA: (making a sour face) Could she sound any sweeter??
JANE: Hmm-hmm, I'd say she sounds slightly less cynical. (Bt) If I had to wager, I'd guess she and her beau are enjoying a second honeymoon period, and that she'll be back to crusty self before too long.
DARIA: (slightly subdued) And what if she's not? If you thought those e-mails were as sweet as it gets, then you haven't listened to her new answering machine recording. (shudders a little.)
JANE: (taking Daria's concern with a grain of salt) Like candy corn covered in maple syrup, eh? Okay, so fine: you don't want to talk to Amy. So then why don't you just talk to me?
DARIA: You've only just started to date Tom.
JANE: (rolling her eyes) Well Erin would've just started to date Trent, so what's the difference??
(Pause)
DARIA: (with extreme reluctance) Fine. (Bt) Do you feel like a different person since you started dating?
JANE: Geez, who can say? I guess I feel a wee bit less jaded about our whole high school situation. Like, since I've got a boyfriend who's older and more mature, it's easier for me to ignore the jerks who make fun of us in class. Sort of.
DARIA: (mulling it over) So you feel more validated at school... hmm...
(Pause)
JANE: (gently sardonic) Y' know, I think the easiest way to answer your question would be if you went through the pratfalls of love on your own.
DARIA: There's a time and a place for that. Way off in the future.
JANE: Okay. (Bt. irritation creeping in.) So in the meantime, you have absolutely no problem at all with setting my brother up with your cousin.
DARIA: (deadpan) I don't see why you're so bothered by it. You said you wanted to be a part of the Barksdale family.
JANE: (rolling her eyes) I meant through painful and twisted upbringing, not (cringes a little.) as a girlfriend-in-law. I mean this girl's on the rebound from her marriage and looks as though she could just dump Trent the minute she lays her eyes on the first hunky, dull-witted --
DARIA: (defensive) Hey, Erin's not that bad. (Bt) She's even kind of nice... in a dopey sort of way. Besides, who says Trent deserves any better?
(Pause. Jane frowns.)
DARIA: That came out wrong. (Bt) What I meant is that however this shakes up, Trent winds up with someone who appreciates him.
(Beat)
JANE: (sighing) If you say so.
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, next afternoon)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the living room. Daria's lying flat on her back on the center couch, her head turned toward the T.V. She's got a reflective look on her face, and is oblivious to what's on.)
SSW ANNOUNCER: (off screen) Meet immigrants who said they married American women for love -- then sold them into sexual slavery! America or Busts neeeeeext on "Sick Sad World."
(We hear the front door click open and see Erin, Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy come on screen in the background. None of them notice Daria's presence. Cut to close-up of them.)
ERIN: ... And so that's how our fashion club saved the school from the evil Seventies revival!
QUINN/TIFFANY/STACY: Oooh... ahh...
STACY: Wow.
TIFFANY: I hear they even brought back bell bottoms.
ERIN: (shuddering) It was just... horrible. I still get nightmares.
QUINN: (dramatic) We almost faced something similar at our school -- but we counterattacked with pamphlets to all the students which showed just how geeky they would look, and that pretty much snuffed out the crisis.
ERIN: Ooh, that was great thinking! Your fashion club must be really influential at school.
QUINN: Well, I don't like to brag, or anything, but --
STACY: Quinn's a really neat leader! She always knows just how to deal with new fashion trends.
TIFFANY: She's way smart about stuff.
QUINN: (faux modest) Oh, you guys...
STACY: She'd be an even better president if she had more time. But our stupid math teacher makes her stay after school every day and work on dumb homework assignments.
ERIN: (to Quinn. concerned) Really??
QUINN: (suddenly hesitant) Oh... well. I mean he doesn't really make me --
STACY: (to Erin) I always hear him tell Quinn: (deepens her voice in imitation) "Ms. Morgendorffer, you're not allowed to leave this room 'til you've learned how to do the assignment." He never offers to help me that way, and I've got a worse grade than her.
ERIN: Ugh, he sounds like a total creep. But don't let it get you down, Quinn. When I was in high school, I managed to find ways to keep school from getting in the way of stuff that was important to me.
(Cut to close-up of Daria. She cocks an eyelid.)
QUINN: (off screen) Oh, um... I won't.
STACY: (off screen) Ooh, Erin, at the slumber party tonight, will you tell us more about how Trent kissed you and how you plan to make him over when you get together??
(At the mention of "kiss," Daria's eyes widen. Resume close-up of Erin and the F.C.)
ERIN: Sure!
TIFFANY: Cooooooool.
STACY: You're so neat, Erin. Way better than Quinn's weird other cousin.
TIFFANY: Qui-inn, when's her mom getting out of jail??
[*] see "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say"
ERIN: (to Quinn) Y' know, the way you've been talking about her, it sounds like your dad's side of the family is really spooky.
QUINN: Uh... yeah. (chuckles nervously.) Um, let's go upstairs.
(Tiffany and Stacy nod, and the three of them bolt on up.)
ERIN: (calling after them) I'll be with you in minute! (turns, heads toward the guest room, when she sees Daria sitting up on the couch.) Daria!
(Cut to close-up shot of her on the couch. Daria straightens up and looks at her with a deadpan expression. )
DARIA: So how did it --?
(Erin hurries over to the couch and drops down beside her.)
ERIN: The lyrics worked! I went over to Trent's house today and he loved them. Thank you so much for suggesting that I sing them to him!! (abruptly reaches over and engulfs Daria in a hug.)
DARIA: Mmph... mph. (pulls back.) You sing well, so I figured --
ERIN: He said that they were really deep and they had, like, a message and everything. And they were deep -- they were really great. (note of admiration in her voice.) I never knew you were such a good writer.
DARIA: (surprised by the praise) Oh... thanks.
ERIN: Then he asked me if I wanted to be a member of his band! He said anyone who sing the way I can and think deeply would really take it places.
DARIA: (stunned) Member of his band??
ERIN: And I said yes!! So now I'll get to be with him all the time, and he even kissed me! I can just feel him falling for me Daria, I swear!
(Pause. Daria blinks several times, trying to let all of Erin's revelations sink in. Finally she shakes her head.)
DARIA: Um... that's great. So this kiss... um, how did it feel when he kissed you?
ERIN: Wonderful! Like, I don't know, explosions and everything. I felt like I wanted him to kiss me forever.
DARIA: (blushing) Oh...
ERIN: Just imagine if he'd kissed me on the lips!
(Beat)
DARIA: The lips?? (Bt) Where, exactly, did he kiss you?
ERIN: On the cheek. But that didn't matter -- I know the meaning of a kiss when I feel it, and there was no mistaking his meaning.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Oh really? (slightly disappointed.) At the risk of raining on your parade: how do you know you're not jumping to outrageous conclusions?
ERIN: (puzzled) What d' you mean?
DARIA: How do you really know he kissed you out of infatuation? A kiss can mean many things -- friendship, respect, and in some cultures, a way of greeting. How d' you know his kiss wasn't to thank you for a job well done?
ERIN: Well I... I'm pretty sure he wasn't doing it for any of those reasons. (Bt) But why are you so interested, all of a sudden?
DARIA: Because... if you're so set on having a fulfilling relationship with this guy, you'd better make sure he feels the same way about you as you do about him. Otherwise, you're liable to build up grandiose fantasies about what your life could be like with Trent, only to watch them inevitably self-destruct when you learn that he just wants to be friends. (Bt) You'd be spared a lot of pain and misery if you just kept your eyes open to reality instead of fantasy.
(Pause. Erin gazes at Daria incredulously for a few seconds, then bursts out laughing.)
ERIN: Wow, you sounded so mature when you said that. Just like Nora.
(She hops up off the couch and dashes toward the kitchen. Daria gets up slowly and follows her.)
DARIA: (sardonic) I realize rational thought's something you're not too familiar with. (Pause) Who's Nora? An old friend?
ERIN: (looking over the fruit for something to choose) No, she was my singing coach at Northern U.
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
ERIN: She gave me some big lecture about how I shouldn't throw away my volleyball scholarship and give up the chance to sing, like at the university or professionally or whatever, all just because I'd met some guy. Well Brian wasn't just some guy! I mean he came along when I was feeling depressed and lonely and filled this huge void in my life. I was so sure it was going to work out between us, and we got married -- well you know, you were there -- but he wasn't some guy.
(Beat)
DARIA: So you dropped out of school because of Brian??
ERIN: Uh-huh. School was great and all, but being married and going to college would've been way too complicated, so you have to pick what's more important to you so I went with marriage, naturally.
(Beat)
DARIA: And your mother wasn't upset?
ERIN: (nonchalant) Oh no -- my mom's been cool with whatever I do ever since Dad left us. She knows I'll do the right thing.
DARIA: (sarcastic) Oh I'm sure. Her daughter throws away an education to become the happy homemaker. I'd be "cool" with it, too.
ERIN: (missing the sarcasm) Anyway, it's been great chatting with you, but I gotta get upstairs -- your sister will be wondering where I am.
DARIA: Okay, fine. But one last thing: (cocks an eyelid) tell me more about this singing career you might have had.
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (Daria's room, later that evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria sitting in her room, enjoying some rare interrupted minutes on the phone [with Erin and Quinn in the house, phone time's been difficult to muster]. Jane's on the other end.)
DARIA: (deadpan) She said she'd won some singing contests back when she was a kid. One of them was state-wide.
JANE: (from the receiver) Impressive.
DARIA: It's sure as hell something my mom never told us. I doubt she wanted to revel in one of my Aunt Rita's successes.
(Cut to split screen with Daria on the right, Jane on the left.)
JANE: Ah, sibling rivalry takes a few more casualties.
DARIA: Then in college, she had this singing coach who was connected to a couple of music producers. Told Erin that if she worked hard enough, she might break out someday.
JANE: Do you believe it?
DARIA: Who can say? But as it turned out, she never even tried. Once she met Brian, she gave up singing for good.
JANE: Ahh, trades her talent for an ingrate. The old story. (Bt. turns more serious.) Y' know Daria, that reminds me: I've gotta apologize for acting a wee bit snobbish toward your cousin yesterday.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Snobbish? You?
JANE: (rolling her eyes) Yes, yes, sisterly protectiveness reared its ugly head. But although she may be lacking in the mental department, the girl can sing. I listened to her on some tapes that Trent made -- she even made "Ice Box Woman" sound good.
DARIA: And now she gets to show off her stuff in a band. (makes a sour expression.) And the only thing she cares about is how it brings her closer to Trent.
JANE: (a tad uneasy) Yep. They'll be spending a lot of time together.
DARIA: I'm starting to really regret having set them up.
JANE: (more uneasy) Yeah... you should. (Bt) I spent some time watching Trent play the tapes. He played them over and over again... and he really seemed to like them, if you know what I mean.
DARIA: So what you're saying is...
(Beat)
JANE: If you hoped to get together with Trent... you may have missed your chance.
[Shot of Trent, Erin, Daria, and Jane in front of the Morgendorffers' house.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
Ahh, now that you've repeated it enough times, it's all out of your system. And you'll realize that far from being The Future, the online retailers usually don't offer you much more than what you could buy from a real store. Well, maybe except for the Daria books...
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?