SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, the next morning)
(Shot of the outside. Off screen voice-over: )
HELEN: Quinn!
(Cut to shot of Quinn sitting on the center couch in the living room. Helen rushes over and hands her the phone.)
HELEN: (brisk) It's for you. Only make it fast -- I'm expecting a call from an important client. (rushes away)
QUINN: Sure. (puts her ear to the phone) Hello?
(Pause. Then: )
BRITTANY: (from the receiver) Why you, you... ooooooooh!!! First you take away cheerleading from me, then you try to steal my Kevin --!!!
QUINN: (calm) Sorry, Brittany, wrong number. (clicks off the phone, shakes her head, and rolls her eyes.)
(This ushers in a montage to "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba [courtesy of Danny Bronstein])
(Shot of Brittany sitting in the gym bleachers, watching Quinn and the other cheerleaders practice. She gets enraged and sticks out her tongue at them. Of course the cheerleaders don't notice.)
(Cut to shot of the cheerleaders standing by the football field, admiring their new ice blue uniforms. Quinn's giving them a "pick up guys" lesson. She flirts with a bunch of the football players, including Kevin. Suddenly Brittany runs up to Quinn and hops up and down, trying to think of something nasty to say. Can't come up with anything, so she runs away. Quinn rolls her eyes amusedly and shakes her head.)
(Cut to shot of the cheerleaders watching as Quinn, awkward and embarrassed, tries to do a cheer.)
(Cut to shot inside the Landon house. Rachel comes over and hands Jodie the phone. Jodie gets a look that says "Not again!" She puts her ear to the receiver and cringes.)
(Cut to shot of Quinn watching the cheerleaders practice on the field. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the Fashion Club walking a distance away. They're carrying loads of shopping bags. Quinn gets a depressed look on her face.)
(Cut to shot of Quinn giving the cheerleaders special make-up bags as presents. The cheerleaders' faces tell you her gesture is much-appreciated.)
(Cut to shot of Helen handing Quinn the phone. Quinn hesitates, then gives the phone to Daria. Daria answers, and is met with -- no doubt -- an ear-piercing squeak. She glares at Quinn, who's now vanished.)
(Musical montage ends. cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Pizza King, after school)
(Shot of the outside. Off screen voice-over: )
BRITTANY: Jodie!
(Cut to shot of Jodie sitting alone in a booth. Brittany's rushing toward her, sitting down. Jodie tries her best to look glad to see her.)
BRITTANY: (rushing on. gesturing wildly) It's hopeless! I've tried everything! I've tried talking to her, an'-an' threatening her, an' not only is she still head cheerleader, but she's gonna get my Kevvy!
JODIE: (mechanically) Oh no. (Bt. shakes her head. sincere) Brittany, it's awful this had to happen to you. Quinn did a rotten thing, and I'm sorry I was ever nice to her.
BRITTANY: Me too! An' now I never wanna see her again!
(Beat)
JODIE: Uh... then I wouldn't look behind that wall of guys if I were you. (points)
(Cut to shot of a nearby booth. Quinn and some of the other cheerleaders are sitting there, out of uniform, flirting with their admirers. Brittany looks. Her face takes on an expression of horror.)
BRITTANY: Eap! Oh no! (lays her arms on the table, hides her face in them)
(Suddenly, from off screen: )
LISA: Brittany?
(Pause. Brittany slowly raises her face, wary. Shana walks over and stands next to her.)
LISA: (sincere) Wow! It's so good to see you.
BRITTANY: It-it is?
LISA: Yeah. We really miss you at cheerleading practice. Nobody can do a better cheer.
BRITTANY: (face brightening) Really?
LISA: Yeah, not even Quinn. She's great at everything else, but her moves are still a little rusty.
BRITTANY: (face falling) Oh.
(Just then, we hear from off screen: )
QUINN: (faux friendly) Oh hi, Brittany!
(Brittany's face reddens, and Jodie rolls her eyes, as Quinn walks on screen.)
QUINN: (to Brittany) Yes, it is nice to see you.
BRITTANY: (lips sealed shut) Mmmmmmmmm...
QUINN: Hi, Jodie.
JODIE: (cold) Hi, Quinn.
(Pause. Quinn frowns briefly, startled by Jodie's tone. Brittany chooses this moment to rebound.)
BRITTANY: (somewhat crafty... for her) Gosh, Quinn, how come you're not in uniform? It's a head cheerleader's duty to always wear it.
QUINN: A what?
BRITTANY: I'm surprised you haven't gotten in trouble with Ms. Li yet.
(Pause. For a moment Quinn looks worried. Then she smirks.)
QUINN: The cheerleading manual says you're s'posed to wear your uniform on Game Days and pep rally days. (Pause. eyes widen with faux incredulity) You mean you thought... (chuckles) you didn't honestly think... every day??
(Brittany goes pale. Looks at Jodie.)
BRITTANY: Well don't you?
JODIE: (apologetic. glaring sideways at Quinn) Um, I don't think so, Brittany.
(Brittany's lip trembles.)
BRITTANY: Mmm-mmm-mmm...
QUINN: Oh Brittany, you crack me up sometimes... (tosses her hair, and leaves. Shana hesitates a little, then waves a good-bye to Brittany and follows.)
(Brittany lowers her face again.)
BRITTANY: (whiny) You see! She's a bad cheerleader an' they still like her! I don't know what to do!
JODIE: Maybe you should try hitting her where it hurts. Call her "four-eyes," or something.
BRITTANY: But I don't wanna be a big meany!
(Beat. Jodie shakes her head, smiles.)
JODIE: You're a better person than your opponent, Brittany. (Bt) Anyway, there is a bright side to all this: the Big Game's next Saturday. Maybe Quinn'll make an idiot of herself in front of the crowd and the cheerleaders will see what a bad leader she is.
(Pause. Brittany nods, trying to take some comfort from that idea. Just then, we hear, off screen, the sound of the door opening and shutting, followed by Sandi's voice. Brittany turns to look. Cut to shot of Sandi and the other F.C.s. Brooke, the wanna-be F.C., is with them. She's gazing at Sandi with an almost desperate expression.)
BROOKE: Please, Sandi?! You always said you'd let me in if there was ever any room, an' now there is.
(Pause. Sandi rolls her eyes and decides to humor her.)
SANDI: (haughty) Very well. As soon as you buy us a pizza, we'll discuss your prospects.
(Brooke's face lights up with spazzy delight.)
BROOKE: Cheeseless?
SANDI: What else? (Pause. to Stacy and Tiffany) Let's go sit over -- (suddenly sees Quinn and the cheerleaders. calls out, faux friendly) Oh, hi, Quinn.
(Pause. From her table, Quinn looks at Sandi, a bit unnerved. She strains to sound nonchalant.)
QUINN: (equally faux friendly. through gritted teeth) Hi, Sandi. It's so good to see you.
SANDI: And it is equally good to see you.
(Stacy and Tiffany wave, to which Quinn responds with a brief, icy smile. As soon as Sandi turns away, Quinn glowers at her, looking as though she'd like to plunge a knife into her backside. Cut to shot of Brittany and Jodie. Brittany can't fail to see the tension between them. Turns excitedly to Jodie.)
BRITTANY: That's it! I know what I can do!
JODIE: What?
BRITTANY: I can join the Fashion Club! (Bt) Quinn can't get in, but I can! That'll burn her for sure!!! [*] see postscript
JODIE: But -- (Brittany leaves. Pause. sighs and shakes her head.) You know maybe I was wrong. Maybe you two aren't so different.
(Cut to shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany poised to sit down in a booth. Brittany runs over to them.)
BRITTANY: Hey, Sandi, could I join?! Could I, huh, could I??
(Sandi blinks, a bit startled.)
SANDI: What?
BRITTANY: The Fashion Club! Pleeese, oh pleeese?! (Bt) I can, um, coordinate stuff, if people teach me...
(Suddenly Brooke comes back from ordering the pizza.)
BROOKE: (panicked) Hey wait! I asked first! There's only one spot!
(Sandi smirks with delight. She never intended to let anyone into the Fashion Club, but she sees now that a little competition between Brittany and Brooke might work to her advantage. Puts up her hands in a "calm yourself" manner.)
SANDI: Shush. (Bt) Now, now, the Fashion Club believes in equal opportunity for all potential members. We can discuss both your prospects, then test out your skills in a few shopathons next week. (Bt) Sound good?
(Brittany clasps her hands together and bounces up and down.)
BRITTANY: Ooooooh -- yes!!!
(Brooke glares at her, then looks at Sandi.)
BROOKE: (deflated) I guess so.
(Sandi smirks and nods, then turns to glance at Quinn, who -- of course -- has been watching this whole thing, though trying not to look it.)
SANDI: (faux apologetic) Gee, Quinn, I hope this doesn't upset you. Since it's your spot we're trying to fill.
QUINN: (faux gracious) Of course not, Sandi. I'm completely happy with where I am right now. (Bt. When Sandi turns away, can't keep from frowning, grumbling) You stupid back-stabbing so-called friends who I got busted for buying stuff for an' this is how you repay me --?! [*] see "That Thing You Say"
(Sandi turns back to look at her.)
SANDI: (faux innocent) What did you say?
(Beat)
QUINN: (faux friendly) Oh, nothing, Sandi.
(Cut to shot of Jodie, who's watched the whole thing. She rolls her eyes.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, evening)
(Close-up shot of Daria's phone. It starts to ring. Cut to wider shot of Daria lying on the bed. She reaches over and picks up the phone after the first ring.)
DARIA: (deadpan) Yes?
(Split screen diagonal, with Jodie on the left and Daria on the right.)
JODIE: Hi, Daria. Glad I could get a hold of you.
DARIA: Well you're lucky. The Cheerleading Crisis Hotline is temporarily out of service. Our pom-pom queen has a date.
JODIE: Actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. All this cheerleading stuff's really got me worried.
DARIA: You, too?
JODIE: Yeah. I hate watching Brittany suffer the way she has. (Bt) Look, Quinn seems like the type who can survive no matter what, but Brittany really needs cheerleading.
DARIA: You don't say.
JODIE: Yeah. Without it, she's just... lost somehow. (Bt) And now she's trying to get even with Quinn by joining the Fashion Club, and I'm afraid the whole thing'll be a disaster for her.
DARIA: Considering it's the Fashion Club, your fears are valid.
JODIE: Could you talk to Quinn? Maybe ask her to step down as head cheerleader?
(Pause. Daria's frowning, giving the idea some thought.)
JODIE: Look, in spite of what you think, you must have some influence over her. Could you at least try?
(Pause)
DARIA: (resigned) All right, I'll try. But I won't make any promises.
JODIE: Great. Thanks, Daria.
DARIA: (mumbling) Yeah, sure. Bye.
(She hangs up the phone. Cut to full screen. Daria hops off the bed and walks to her door. Cut to shot of the door as seen from the outside. Daria opens it, starts to step out into the hallway. Suddenly we see Quinn dart past, dressed the way she was when she dumped Corey in "Quinn the Brain.")
DARIA: Quinn?
QUINN: Can't talk. Date's here. (leaves)
(Daria rolls her eyes and groans.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (the mall, one afternoon after school)
(Shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany in the dressing room at Cashman's. They're on their first major shopathon with the potential members. Sandi's busy admiring herself in the mirror, while Stacy and Tiffany are slumped against a wall. Just then, Brittany and Brooke rush over, looking as though they've been doing some gift shopping. Each holds out a gift box to Sandi and looks at her with a beseeching expression. Stacy and Tiffany roll their eyes.)
STACY: (to Tiffany. hushed) Gosh, that's the third one each of them's bought today.
TIFFANY: (annoyed) Yeah.
(Sandi takes both gifts. Holds one up in each hand and examines them.)
BROOKE: (to Sandi) They're silver earrings... just, um, 'cause I saw them in the display an' they seemed like you.
BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful) Well I bought you a bottle of Montel's Confessions. Just a squirt on your wrists, an' all the guys'll think you're really hot.
(Sandi raises and lowers the gifts as if she's weighing them.)
SANDI: Hmmmm... (finally raises Brittany's gift higher than Brooke's.) They're both great, but (gives Brittany a favoring look) Brittany, why don't you stand here with me and show off your fashion know-how? Brooke, you go off over there, somewhere. (nods toward Stacy and Tiffany)
(Brooke's face falls. She slumps over and walks away.)
BRITTANY: (can't conceal elation) All right!
(Sandi places the gifts on a small pile and then gestures at an article of clothing.)
SANDI: (instructional) Okay, Brittany: what type of shoes do you think would go with this cardinal sweater-vest?
(Brittany pauses to think, twirling a lock of hair all the while.)
BRITTANY: The brown... no... the red... no... (Meanwhile, Stacy, Tiffany, and Brooke watch her, annoyed.) wait, I got it! The brown thingys with the big heels, right?
(Sandi tries her best to look tolerant.)
SANDI: Um, that's a nice start, Brittany, but --
BROOKE: (looking like she's ready to tear Brittany's hair out) They're called Doc Marten platform sandals!! And you didn't even get the color right!!!
(Beat. Sandi cocks a haughty eyebrow at her.)
SANDI: Now, Brooke, Brittany is learning. Let's show her a little respect, okay?
(Beat)
BROOKE: (contrite) Okay.
SANDI: Good. (Bt) Now Brittany, honey, let's try something a bit easier. What kind of pants would go best with the sweater-vest? (gestures at a few different kinds of pants)
(Again, Brittany pauses to think, twirling a lock of hair. An irritated expression briefly crosses Sandi's face. Stacy and Tiffany roll their eyes. Brooke looks more and more enraged.)
BRITTANY: Uhhhhhh... the gray thingys? (gestures at a pair)
(Pause. Sandi is silent, unable to think of a suitable response for such an obvious fashion faux pas. Stacy can't hold back a sharp, exasperated sigh, and Tiffany's eyes narrow. Finally Brooke can't stand it anymore. She rushes up to Brittany.)
BROOKE: No! Not "the gray thingys"!! Anyone with half a brain can see that the black Capri pants are the only ones that match!
SANDI: (warning) Brooke...
BROOKE: (to Brittany) And those gray thingys have a name! They're called khaki Cargo pants!!! These ones are Guess Cargo pants, not to be confused with Old Navy Cargo pants, which have a much --
SANDI: (megabitch) Brooke. (Brooke pauses, looks at her with a slightly mollified expression.) Just wait your turn. The Fashion Club doesn't tolerate glory hogs.
(Brooke's expression turns dumbstruck.)
BROOKE: Wait, you're not saying you'd choose her over me, are you??!! (Bt. suddenly loses all composure) But you can't!!! She hasn't gotten anything right this entire trip!!!
SANDI: (again warning) Listen --
BROOKE: And look at her -- she's crawling with fashion don'ts!!! (gestures at Brittany's outfit.)
BRITTANY: I am?! (looks freaked, as if "fashion don'ts" were bugs, or something)
(Beat)
SANDI: (cool) Well I guess I can see what your true colors are, Brooke. Some people just aren't the supportive type.
BROOKE: Supportive??!! I've been waiting to get into the Fashion Club for two years!!! I even had Dr. Shar turn me into a freak so I could get in!!! And now you favor her (points to Brittany) just 'cause she buys better gifts?!! I can't stand it anymoooooooore!!! (turns and runs away) [*] see "Too Cute"
(The others watch her go, stunned.)
BRITTANY: Gosh...
SANDI: She always was high-strung.
(Pause)
STACY: Um, but she does have a point, Sandi.
TIFFANY: (slightly peevish) Yeah. Isn't bribery a violation of our charter??
(Sandi looks a tad uneasy. Then she gets a megabitch expression.)
SANDI: No. There's nothing in it about accepting bribes.
STACY: (mumbling) That's probably 'cause you wrote it.
SANDI: Not that that's what I've been doing, by the way. (frowns at Stacy, suddenly comprehending that she said something rebellious, but not sure what.)
TIFFANY: Well, um, Sandi, as vice-president --
SANDI: I didn't make you vice-president so you could start spouting off, Tiffany.
(Tiffany frowns and rolls her eyes. Stacy looks startled by the ferocity of Sandi's tone.)
STACY: Yeah, but Quinn --
SANDI: (sending her a freezing megabitch look) We're not talking about Quinn. Quinn's not here. Quinn got kicked out for being a liar, remember??
(Beat)
STACY: (pleading) But she wasn't a real liar. She just lied about wearing glasses. But everything else she told us has been true...
SANDI: How do you know??
STACY: (looking uncomfortable) Well, um, I don't... but she wouldn't...
SANDI: I don't want to hear about Quinn anymore. Okay?
(Stacy bows her head and nods. Meanwhile, the mention of "Quinn" has sent Brittany into a trembling rage.)
BRITTANY: Arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!!! (runs off)
(Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany watch her go.)
TIFFANY: God, again??
STACY: That's the fifth time today.
SANDI: She's probably as sick of hearing about Quinn as I am. (Bt) God, I promote you two, and this is the thanks I get? Boredom??
STACY: (rare burst of anger) But you didn't promote me! I'm still the secretary!
SANDI: Oh. Right. (Bt) Well it's probably 'cause you've been so annoying, going off about Quinn and other stupid stuff. Get over it, Stacy.
(She turns away and picks up the gift of perfume Brittany gave her. Opens the box, gives the bottle a sniff. Suddenly Stacy mumbles something barely audible. Sandi whirls around and glares at her.)
SANDI: What??!!
STACY: (cowering) Nothing.
(As Sandi turns away, she leans toward Tiffany.)
STACY: (hushed) I wish Quinn was here, now.
(Pause)
TIFFANY: (hushed) So do I.
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (the school gym, next afternoon)
(Close-up shot of Brittany hiding behind the bleachers, watching the cheerleaders practice. She looks downcast -- not only does she hate not being on the cheerleading team, but she senses that she's not making too good an impression on the Fashion Club. Cut to shot of the cheerleaders. Quinn, once again, is struggling to do a cheer, looking extremely embarrassed. The other cheerleaders watch her with expressions that strain to be encouraging.)
QUINN: Well... um... tah-dah! (ends the cheer with a weak flourish)
(long Pause)
ANGIE: Um... that was good, Quinn.
LISA: Yeah. Really... really good.
QUINN: Really?
LISA: Yeah.
(Pause. Cut to shot of Brittany.)
BRITTANY: (to herself. fuming) Really good?!! She's awful!! She can't do a handspring, her cupies aren't cupie enough, and her herkies are too jerky! She gives pom-pom a bad name!
(Cut to shot of Quinn and the cheerleaders.)
QUINN: Want me to do it again?
CHEERLEADERS: No! No, that's okay...
(Suddenly, from off screen: )
BRITTANY: Oooooooooooooooh!!!
(She runs up to the cheerleaders, and before we know it, she's doing a cheer with dance moves so athletic and complex that the entire cast of "RENT" would be put to shame. Cue music from Geri Halliwell's "Look at Me." [again, courtesy of Danny Bronstein] Slow-motion shot of Brittany doing a backflip, her hair defying gravity. Cut to slo-mo shot of her spinning in an endless cartwheel. Cut to shot of Quinn, her mouth dropping open. No one besides the other cheerleaders knew Brittany was that good. Cut to shot of Brittany landing gracefully in a split, like a bird coming down from flight. She leaps up and starts to do a number of kicks and spins, "Lord of the Dance"-style. Looks at Quinn all the while, smirking a wicked, un-Brittany-like smirk. Quinn presses her lips together. Cut to shot of the other cheerleaders, spellbound by the moves. At last, Brittany finishes her cheer with a flourish, doing a double cartwheel and a backflip, so that she lands right in front of Quinn. Gets in her face.)
BRITTANY: You see?! That's how it's done!!
(The cheerleaders burst out applauding.)
CHEERLEADERS: (elated) Wow, Brittany!!/ That was amazing!!/ You're fantastic!!!
QUINN: (trying to sound civil) Yes, very nice, Brittany.
(Brittany smirks the wicked smirk again.)
BRITTANY: (faux gracious. twirling a lock of hair) Gee, Quinn, I'd teach ya if I had time. But I'm so busy with the Fashion Club, picking out the right pants to match sweater-vests an' stuff.
QUINN: (faux gracious. through gritted teeth) That's all right, Brittany.
BRITTANY: Well I'd better go coordinate something. See ya! (she darts off)
(Quinn watches her go with a sullen expression.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria, Jake, and Helen sitting at the table. Daria and Jake are doing their usual paper-reading. Helen's watching Quinn, who's chatting on the phone off screen. She wears an expectant frown.)
QUINN: (off screen. slightly peevish) Yes... yes... yes it was a really cool thing that Brittany did today. Yes I too wish she'd rejoin the team. Anyway, there's nothing we can do about it now. (Bt. affectionate) Shana, I gotta go, but remember: if you need me, I'm just a pager-beep away at Chez Pierre. (Bt) Who loves ya? (Pause) Bye! (hangs up)
HELEN: Quinn, I need t--
QUINN: (rushed) Here's the phone, Mom. (thrusts it into her hands) Gotta get ready for my date tonight with Skylar -- don't wait up! (starts to leave)
HELEN: Quinn, stop.
(Quinn stops and looks at her with a pleading expression.)
QUINN: Mo-om! If this is about the Big Game next weekend -- nothing personal! I just don't want you an' Dad an' certain other people coming and humiliating me in front of my friends an' the football players an' the stadium an' --
HELEN: (firm) Quinn. (Bt) Sit down.
(Quinn rolls her eyes and does so grudgingly. Daria and Jake lower their papers, intrigued.)
QUINN: What??
(Beat)
HELEN: Sweetie, today my secretary told me she got a call from one of your teachers --
JAKE: Now why don't I ever get called??
HELEN: Jake, please!! (Bt. to Quinn) She said he told her that your grades in class had vastly improved --
JAKE: Quinn's improving?!
DARIA: (disbelief) At school?
HELEN: Yes. (Bt) Or she was, anyway, until recently. Now her grades are dropping below what they were before she improved. (Bt) Quinn, would you mind explaining yourself??
(Quinn rolls her eyes and tosses her hands in the air.)
QUINN: Mo-om! There's nothing to explain! (Bt) It was that fathead Phelps guy who called, wasn't it?? A few lucky grades an' the man thinks I've turned over a new leaf! Wrong.
HELEN: (not persuaded) Quinn, did all this start after you joined cheerleading?
QUINN: No-o! I'm telling you, I'm doing just as well as I always have. (Bt) Okay, so maybe cheerleading does create some extra pressure in my life, but it's nothing I can't handle. (Bt) Now if you don't mind, I'm going upstairs. (stands up)
HELEN: Quinn, we're not through --
(Quinn's eyes narrow.)
QUINN: (with unusual hardness) Yes. We are. The subject is closed, Mother.
HELEN: But --
QUINN: But nothing. (stalks away)
(Pause. Helen purses her lips together and glares after her. Daria sees this.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over. to Quinn) If I were you, I'd start writing a song. A really good one.
(Helen sighs and cocks a resigned eyebrow.)
HELEN: Well maybe she's just feeling pressured because the Big Game's coming up. She'll probably focus more on school afterward.
(Daria frowns and rolls her eyes, annoyed that Quinn can get away with disrespecting their mom and she can't.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (Quinn's room, a short time later)
(Close-up shot of Quinn posing in front of the mirror, nearly dressed to go out. She looks pleased with what she sees. In the background, we see her door open and shut, and Daria walking in. Quinn looks at her through the mirror, annoyed.)
QUINN: Could you try knocking??
(Daria walks up and stands beside her.)
DARIA: If I had, would I have made it this far?
(Quinn pauses to consider, then shrugs a reply.)
DARIA: (sees Quinn's not wearing her glasses.) So you're choosing the two-eyed look tonight.
QUINN: Hey, just because I wear glasses now doesn't mean I have to wear them all the time.
DARIA: True. (Bt) And when you do wear glasses, you just act like they're of no use to you.
QUINN: What d' you mean? (Bt. suspicious) Are you gonna start harping on me about my grades the way Mom was earlier??
(Daria cocks an eyelid)
DARIA: I guess not. (Bt) Since it's obvious you could care less about academics.
QUINN: Hmph... (Daria's remark doesn't sit well with her. Bt) So why are you here??
(Beat)
DARIA: I don't know. (Bt) I guess 'cause a certain person asked me to appeal to your sense of decency.
(Quinn spins around and looks at her.)
QUINN: Omigod -- it wasn't Brittany, was it?? (chuckles) 'Cause if so, you can tell her I got elected fair 'n' square an' no amount of twirling around's gonna get her back her position so quit being such a big baby about it.
DARIA: Actually --
QUINN: An' while you're at it, tell her that she can keep Kevin 'cause I don't want Kevin -- who would want Kevin, other than a total loser? (chuckles again)
(Pause)
DARIA: (a bit flat) It wasn't Brittany. (Bt) Anyway, I don't think anything I say to you would work. You're too happy where you are -- popular, always on the phone, with dates every night... (turns as if to go)
(Quinn frowns)
QUINN: (also flat) You make it sound like a bad thing. (Bt) But that's how it's always been with me.
(Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: Yeah, I know. (Bt) But I was hoping for something more.
(Beat. Quinn glowers at her.)
QUINN: More what? What are you, my keeper?? (Bt) Look, would you just leave an' let me get ready?
DARIA: Fine. (starts to go. then looks at Quinn's outfit and does a double-take.) You're not wearing that old thing, are you?
(Quinn rolls her eyes.)
QUINN: Very funny.
DARIA: I'm serious. You're dates've already seen you in that. (Quinn's face grows pale.) Your wardrobe must be in major need of an overhaul if even I'm noticing. (Bt) When's the last time you've been clothes shopping?
(Quinn now looks pale and horrified. Can't stand, has to sit on the bed.)
DARIA: Don't tell me you haven't shopped since you became head cheerleader.
(Pause)
QUINN: Oh... my... God.
(Pause. Daria smirks.)
DARIA: Whoops. (Bt) Y' know, maybe now's the time to consider early retirement.
QUINN: I'm not gonna quit cheerleading!
DARIA: (surprised) You'd do it even if it messed with your number one passion?
QUINN: Of course I would. There's nothing else for me to do --
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: Quinn, there're lots of things you could do.
QUINN: But nothing that's as good! What -- join the math brigade or the French club or... taxidermy?? (shudders)
DARIA: So nothing satisfies you like cheerleading? (Bt) Do you even know how to cheer, yet?
(Beat)
QUINN: (embarrassed) Um, I'm working on it.
DARIA: (smirking) Right. (Bt) And I s'pose the other cheerleaders just love watching you stumble around, making an idiot of yourself and the team.
(Quinn glares at her.)
QUINN: (through gritted teeth) They've been very encouraging, actually.
DARIA: Ooh, I'll bet. (Bt) But don't expect it to last.
QUINN: Huh?
DARIA: When the Big Game comes, you won't be performing in front of some middling crowd. (Bt) The whole school'll watch you fall on your ass.
(Quinn looks pale and worried.)
DARIA: (continuing) And when that happens, don't be surprised if your "friends" start sharpening their knives.
(Pause)
QUINN: (freaked) But they can't! They can't get rid of me! I've done everything for them!
DARIA: Except your main job requirement -- cheer.
(Beat)
QUINN: (defensive) Hey, I can learn to cheer.
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: In a week? Quinn, don't even bother.
QUINN: What, you don't think I can??
DARIA: You haven't done much to prove otherwise.
QUINN: Oh yeah?! (The humiliation Brittany put her through this afternoon comes roaring back to her. She makes fists and waves them in the air, and speaks with a ferocity that's rare even for her.) Well if I have to learn to cheer then, dammit, I will! I'll be the best freakin' head cheerleader they've ever had. (Bt) And I won't let myself get cheered down by some bimbo!
(Pause. Daria blinks, surprised by Quinn's tone.)
DARIA: You're really serious?
(Beat)
QUINN: Yes, I'm serious.
(Pause. Daria sighs and cocks and eyelid.)
DARIA: All right, then I have two words for you: good luck.
(Quinn returns her gaze with a determined stare.)
[Shot of Brittany ending her cheer with a flourish, right in front of Quinn.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?