This is the sixteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe and my eighteenth overall. It follows
[Okay, disclaimer needed! This is only my seventeenth fanfic overall, not my eighteenth, as "The Age of Cynicism" has only been partially written. So why do I insist on listing it amongst my other fics as #15? Because long ago I determined the order in which my fics would appear, and I had reasons for feeling it would not work juxtaposed against #17 or #19. (Plus, I'd already done the Ten Spot Promo... Hmm, makes me wonder whether I ought to use the excuse I offered to John Berry in "Of Absolute Value." ; >) TAOC probably won't arrive until after I've written #19, but it will arrive. All my fanfics shall be accounted for. Until then, I've left a short teaser for it in my Postscript. ; >]
Once again, this title is a pun on the title of a superior, far more famous work: Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade" (1854). That poem was about a brigade of British cavalrymen, set during the Crimean War. It has almost nothing to do with the subject of this fanfic... but hee-hee, I just love title puns... ; >
I give it a 2S...
And because the second half of Season Four is airing, I must offer a reminder: Quinn, as she appears in this fic, is the result of careful build-up, stretched out over a year, in my continuum. If you try to connect her smoothly to how she comes across in Season Four, some things obviously won't fit. That said........... Enjoy!!!
Ten Spot Promo: That guy sits on the toilet lid, cutting his toenails as the clock counts to 10. Yeeeeeeech.
[intro theme music...................]
SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, during class)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the inside of Mr. Phelps's classroom. The period is nearly over, and instead of working, the students are huddled together, talking. Or rather, they're huddled around Quinn, talking about her. Quinn absorbs the attention with one of her typical serene smirks.)
TIFFANY: (shocked, for her) No waaaaaaaaay.
QUINN: Way.
STACY: Omigod, Quinn. Omigod!
SANDI: Whoa -- contacts. Like, are you sure??
QUINN: Of course I'm sure! My eye doctor, like, called me the other day and said that a bunch of scientist guys invented this new type of lens -- one that could handle my type of astigmatism.
STACY: Oh Quinn, I'm so happy for you!!! (does an excited clap.)
QUINN: So within a few months, you could be looking at the new and improved Quinn.
(She eyes Sandi a trifle nervously as she says these last words, waiting for a response. But Sandi just cocks a brow.)
JOEY: Wow, so now I have another reason to love you.
JEFFY: Not me. I love you no matter what you wear. (Bt. conceding) But it is nice that you're getting contact lenses.
TIFFANY: Contacts make such a difference. If I, like, didn't wear mine, people... would think... I was... an Asian ... math brain.
STACY: Ewwww! At least when you get contacts, people will stop thinking you're a math brain, Quinn.
(Quinn goes a little pale and chuckles uneasily.)
TIFFANY: You must be soooooo embarrassed. QUINN: Uh...
(The bell rings. With that, everyone but Quinn and Sandi springs up from their seats and flees the room. Still noticeably pale, Quinn turns around to face Sandi.)
QUINN: (trying not to sound nervous) So, Sandi... um, do you think I should get blue contacts for coordination purposes? Or, um, green ones, or should I forgo colors completely?
(Pause)
SANDI: (cryptic) Hmmmmmmm...
(But before she can state an opinion, Mr. Phelps walks up and stands behind them.)
PHELPS: Ms. Morgendorffer? May I have a word with you, please?
QUINN: (turning around abruptly) But um... I'll be late for my next class. (weak chuckle.)
PHELPS: (raising a brow) Since when do you care about being on time?
(Quinn frowns at his presumptuousness, then wilts, as he has a point. She turns back to look at Sandi, but finds that she's disappeared. With a weary, yet not terribly resistant expression, she faces the teacher with whom she has worked intensely for several weeks.)
PHELPS: (sitting on the desk beside her) This will only take a minute. It's about your current academic standing in my classroom.
QUINN: All right, all right, tell me the truth. I'm not doing well, okay??
PHELPS: Well you --
QUINN: (melodramatic) Go ahead. Do your worst. You can't hurt me, anymore. (gestures at her eyes.)
PHELPS: Yes, I've heard the newest contact lenses have special anti-teacher reflectors.
QUINN: (thought VO) Funny.
PHELPS: (hint of a smirk) I'll be gentle with you. Believe it or not, all of the hard work we've put in together has garnered results.
QUINN: (wary) How so?
PHELPS: You're above the minimum needed to pass my class.
QUINN: I am??
PHELPS: Yes, but --
QUINN: (hopping up) You mean the slavery's over?! (cheery.) Not that I haven't enjoyed working with you, or anything, but it was, y'know, work. And I'd just as soon do something else. (turns toward the door.) Wait'll I tell Stacy and Tiffany that I don't have to--!
PHELPS: (folding his arms) So you're ready to end it all, are you?
(Beat)
QUINN: (wary... She knows that tone of voice.) Why not? What else can you put me thr-I mean, what else is there for me to do??
PHELPS: (even-toned) You really thought this entire experience was terrible. You derived absolutely no pleasure from it.
QUINN: (thought VO) O-kayyyyyy. (aloud.) Nope.
PHELPS: Didn't you?
(Something in Phelps's gaze makes Quinn reveal a nanosecond of different feeling. She wilts again.)
PHELPS: (dryly amused, smirking a bit) Ah Ms. Morgendorffer, the way you resist anything that challenges your thinking never fails to amaze me.
QUINN: (thought VO) Same with your stupid way of always thinking you can, like, see through me. (aloud, pleasant.) That's not true. I'd die without any challenges. Like being President of the Fashion Club gives me new problems every week --
PHELPS: (directing her to sit down) And so might being part of a different club. Which is why I signed you up.
QUINN: (frowning a little) Signed me up??
PHELPS: Yes. (Bt) For the mathletics squad.
(Quinn's eyes become saucers and her mouth drops open.)
QUINN: With all the freaks?!
PHELPS: With the other mathletes, yes.
QUINN: But-but why?!
PHELPS: Students who participate in mathletics receive extra credit in my class. I thought you might want to do as well as possible. And it would be a good way for you to hone your newly-acquired skills.
QUINN: (helpless) But I don't want... I mean I said, but --!
PHELPS: We've got only four more tournaments 'til the season concludes. At the very least, do attend one of our practices. (raises a brow.) You could always walk away later.
(Still too overcome by shock, Quinn is unable to protest coherently. Phelps smirks and pats her shoulder lightly.)
PHELPS: I look forward to working with you, Ms. Morgendorffer.
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, that evening)
(Shot of the outside.)
QUINN: (off screen VO) I won't DO it!!
(Cut to shot of her sitting in her place at the table, at dinner. She's in full tantrum mode, while Daria observes with her usual deadpan expression. Helen mills around the kitchen, phone to her ear, and Jake eats in a semi-oblivious manner.)
QUINN: He can't make me join the geeky math brigade! He can't, he can't!!
DARIA: That's it. Think happy thoughts, and your wishes will come true.
QUINN: Shut UP, Daria!!
JAKE: (mouth half-full) Aw c'mon fweetie, ih won' be fo bad. You'n me'll toth aroun' a few pro'lems, get the ol' juifes flowih' -
DARIA: And prove to the world that brains can sound just as incoherent as the regular losers.
HELEN: (sitting down) Daria. Quinn, sweetheart, think of what a wonderful opportunity it is for you. A chance to challenge yourself and perhaps build up your application for college. Not that I'm--
QUINN: Did you people NOT hear what I SAID??! That club is full of geeks! Nerds, rejects, people who lack proper knowledge of follicle hygiene. He can't banish me to that popularity Siberia! I'll, like, freeze to death like those Donner people over there.
DARIA: Right after they scaled Mt. Everest.
HELEN: (rolling her eyes) Oh honestly, Quinn, it won't be that bad. Right, Daria? (appeals to her with the expression: "Will it??")
(Daria sighs.)
DARIA: As a card-carrying member of the geek society, I can assure you she has nothing to fear. We only accept genuine nerds, not the superficial dabblers. We have standards, too, you know.
QUINN: (hopeful) You really mean it??
DARIA: Yep. And considering how you've managed to weather glasses without permanent damage to your popularity, I think you'll come through this unscathed, too.
(Quinn's posture starts to relax.)
DARIA: (smirk popping up) But then again, I've heard mathletics can steer even the most stubborn airhead toward a career as a tax attorney.
(Quinn's jaw drops, and Helen and Jake send Daria a "Thanks a lot" frown.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 3 (Lawndale High, a few days later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the inside of a large classroom. There, we see Daria and Jane seated in the back, watching the activity in front. Jane is sketching like mad. Up front, several people -- math "brigaders" -- are gathered around a long table.)
DARIA: I don't get it, Jane. But wait -- since Quinn always does the exact opposite of what I'd like or respect, I do get it.
JANE: Get what?
DARIA: Quinn's not so oblivious that she can't see math could really get her somewhere. Why else would she work to bring her math grade up?
JANE: Threat of parental retribution?
DARIA: Which would be as effective as the countless other times they've threatened her, only to be ignored. (Bt) She might as well just go the extra mile and do what she needs to do. It won't make her any less popular.
JANE: (smirking) Oh you think so, eh?
(She pushes her drawing toward Daria. Cut to close-up. There, we see what looks like exaggerated caricatures of three guys. Cut to shot of the same three in real life, and we see that Jane's sketches are not exaggerated. If the word "geek" were made for anyone, it would be for them. One of the three is Barry from "'Shipped Out," carrying a trademark stuffed animal on his shoulder. All three guys wear pocket protectors and sashes with the school's colors, as well as carry giant calculators that resemble computers. And all three are squabbling.)
BARRY: (squeaky Corey voice) Clarence, it's patently obvious you should have said X equals negative twenty-three over three, not X equals seven and two thirds!
CLARENCE: (perpetual stutterer) B-b-but B-b-barry b-b-b-b --
SQUIGGLEY: ("aw shucks" nerd) Aw c'mon, Barry, I mean gee whiz, Clarence was probably just nervous, I mean I can't read his mind or nothin' so I don't want to assume, but gosh I dunno...
BARRY: (peevish) So what if he was nervous, Squiggley? Because of Clarence, we didn't get those two points and Oakwood mopped the floor with us!
(Both Clarence and Squiggley shudder.)
SQUIGGLEY: (meek) My butt still hurts.
CLARENCE: Th-th-they used m-my t-tongue.
BARRY: Then they said my Taxidermy Society was comical and disturbing. Oh the pain! (Bt) Well we can't keep getting beat like this, men! Remember which school is coming up.
CLARENCE: (look of terror on his face) N-n-n-n-n-n-noooo!
SQUIGGLEY: (mumbling) Please don't say it... please don't say it... PLEASE don't say it --
BARRY: Grove Hills.
CLARENCE & SQUIGGLEY: AGH!
BARRY: You know how seriously those nerds take their mathletics. They'll crucify us unless we stick together. (raises his sash.) We must wear the Lawndale colors with pride!
CLARENCE & SQUIGGLEY: (raising their sashes) Here h-here!
(They click calculators in a salute, then butt heads, which causes all three to groan and stumble backward. Resume shot of Daria and Jane.)
DARIA: To think you tried to set me up with him.
JANE: Must you keep beating me over the head about that?!
DARIA: Yes.
(Just then, cut to shot of Phelps entering the classroom. He carries himself with his usual stiff air - perfectly upright, each leg sticking straight out in front with each step he takes. Over one shoulder rests his coat, which he holds onto rigidly with his right arm.)
DARIA: (off screen VO) Say, has Buckingham Palace reported a guard missing?
JANE: Haven't checked. But even so, Phelps wouldn't resume the position. He's found his true calling sucking the life out of every math problem he finds.
(Resume shot of Daria and Jane.)
JANE: Rumor has it he's smiled once, just once, since he came to Lawndale. When he was chastising a student for failing to round a decimal point to the nearest one-thousandth.
DARIA: Wow. Not only relaxed, but understanding, too.
JANE: He's actually not so bad. To me, anyway. But I sure as hell never had to work so hard for a C in my entire life.
DARIA: Sounds as though he should have asked you to join the mathletics squad.
(Beat)
JANE: (frowning a little) Yeah. (Bt) But hey: where's the little Geek in Chic? Aren't we here to torture her?? (Cut to shot of Quinn in the hallway, talking to Stacy and Tiffany, looking rushed.)
STACY: (nervous) I don't know, Quinn. I mean do you really think Tiffany and me can hold a meeting by ourselves?
QUINN: (taking her by the shoulders, reassuring) Of course you can! I have total faith in you guys. Didn't Tiffany do a good job when she was acting president the last time?
(Remembering the disaster in "Of Absolute Value," Stacy and Tiffany exchange panicked looks.)
TIFFANY: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut --
QUINN: Listen guys, I have to run, or I'll be late to my grandma's funeral. Ciao! (does a little wave, which Stacy and Tiffany timidly return.)
(After they leave, Quinn watches them depart, then slips into the girls' bathroom.)
(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. Quinn strolls into the classroom, wearing a disguise, consisting of a brown tweed jumpsuit and scarf, glasses with tinted lenses, and her hair done up. With the air of a thirty year-old, she approaches the table where the three guys are sitting.)
JANE: (off screen VO) Now who does she think she's trying to fool?
(Barry, Clarence, and Squiggley quit talking and just stare at Quinn. She in turn freezes, then presses up against the blackboard in an attempt to look as inconspicuous and aloof as possible.)
DARIA: (off screen VO) Whoever it was, it didn't work.
CLARENCE: (whispering to his buddies) Wh-wh-who's that?
BARRY: (whispering) She can't be real! She's too beauuuutiful!
SQUIGGLEY: (to Barry) Go talk to her. (Bt) Um, I mean, if it's not too much trouble, or nothin'.
BARRY: I shall! Um, as representative of the mathletics squad, it's my duty.
(Cut to shot of Quinn, looking very uncomfortable. Her face blanches as Barry approaches.)
BARRY: Um... (holds up his hand with the middle two fingers spread apart, then makes a bunch of gurgling sounds.)
QUINN: EWWWWW! I mean (French accent.) ouuuuuuuu.
BARRY: I greet you with the traditional Kling'on welcome. My Kling'on name is Smartok, but you may call me by my Earth name -- Barry Bukowski. And what is your name?
QUINN: (whisper) Oh God, please kill me now.
BARRY: Huh??
QUINN: (bad faux French accent) Um... urm... zee name, eet ees... um... Simone. Uh yes -- I mean oui.
BARRY: Ohhhh, neato. (irritating laugh.) So do you visit America often? Y' know around here, I'm considered quite a catch.
QUINN: Ugh!!
(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane wearing wicked smirks.)
DARIA: Even my fondest dreams of Quinn's humiliation never went so well.
(Resume shot of Quinn and Barry. Quinn looks, quite literally, like she's going to die.)
QUINN: Uh...
PHELPS: (off screen VO) Ms. Morgendorffer, you've made it.
(Pan over to show him with a bunch of students in another corner of the classroom.)
PHELPS: Do settle in and make yourself comfortable. Get to know your teammates. (Bt) Everyone, Ms. Morgendorffer will be joining you for an indefinite length of time.
(Cut to shot of Clarence and Squiggley.)
SQUIGGLEY: Ms. Morgendorffer?
(Cut to shot of Quinn and Barry.)
BARRY: Quinn?? Quinn Morgendorffer??! (He immediately starts hyperventilating and stumbles away.)
QUINN: (to herself) Now I understand: I'm already dead. I've gone to hell. (looks away, sees Daria and Jane.) Oh Gawd!
(From their perch, Daria and Jane wave to her.)
QUINN: (putting a hand over her eyes) Hghhhhhhhh... (Suddenly she feels a tap on her shoulder.) Oh Gawd, no more! I can't take anymore!
VOICE: Quinn? What's wrong?
(Quinn turns. Pan over to show Jodie, also wearing the mathletics sash. Quinn grabs her by the shoulders and practically shakes her.)
QUINN: Oh Jodie -- thank God, someone popular. You have to get me out of here!
JODIE: (surprise) Why are you even here? Is the Fashion Club designing new logos for our sashes?
QUINN: Phelps made me join. I had no choice!
JODIE: (more surprised) Did I just hear right? He made you join??
QUINN: Don't say it so loud! (glances anxiously at the door.) So I s'pose this is, like, one of your gazillion clubs?? You know, Jodie, if you help me escape, I can make you an honorary member of the Fashion Club, which would look much better on any applic--
JODIE: ("As if") That's really nice of you, but the Fashion Club won't give me extra credit in math. I only have a ninety-five in Phelps's class.
QUINN: (sarcastic) Oh poor you.
JODIE: (rolling her eyes) C' mon, it'll be okay. Barry, Clarence, and Melvin aren't too bad once you get to know them...
(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. Quinn is seated at the table, scribbling away on a piece of paper. Her concentration is disrupted, though, when Clarence, who sits to one side of her, accidently bounces his pencil too hard on the table top, causing it to fly upward and land in Squiggley's ear.)
SQUIGGLEY: Agh! I've been stabbed! (jumps up in a panic.)
CLARENCE: S-s-sorry m-ma --
SQUIGGLEY: Golly, I feel my whole life passin' before my eyes. Alas, poor Squiggley, they knew me well. (sniffles, then grows pale, like he's close to passing out.)
BARRY: Head between your knees!
(Squiggley nods and tries to do so while still standing, which causes him to sway and nearly fall over. Jodie gets up from her seat and, with the patience of a mother who's used to dealing with whiny children, walks over to him. She leans over and plucks the pencil out of Squiggley's ear.)
JODIE: You had the eraser end in your ear, Melvin. You aren't dying.
SQUIGGLEY: (sniff) I'm not?? (Bt. meek) Gosh, thanks. You've saved me from an early grave.
JODIE: Um... any time. (shakes her head, walks away.)
(From her seat, Quinn rolls her eyes.)
QUINN: "Not too bad once you get to know them, she says..." Ha. (puts the last touches on a problem, then pushes the paper forward with disgust.) Ugh! It's fixed, all right?! I'm done.
(Phelps looks up from where he is sitting, which is not far from where Daria and Jane are sprawled out. He pulls out a stop watch, stands up.)
PHELPS: And in record time, I see. (He walks over to Quinn, leans over her paper to examine the work.) Hmmm -- nice penmanship as always, Ms. Morgendorffer.
QUINN: You know I only like to work with cute numbers. And too many eraser streaks, like, make the paper look really unattractive.
PHELPS: (a faint, knowing smirk) And correct as always.
(The other mathletes pause in their activities and look at Quinn. Barry, Clarence, and Squiggley's eyes bug out, while Jodie can't conceal an impressed smirk. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane.)
JANE: (vaguely impressed) Whoo-hoo -- that's ten in a row. The girl is on a roll. (She does a weak fist pump, then yawns.)
DARIA: (distant) Yep.
(Jane glances at her briefly before closing her eyes. Daria has been seated upright and watching Quinn intently. The expression on her face can be described as... strange. It's not animated, but not her usual deadpan either. Rather, it could be described as stunned, maybe even conflicted. Resume shot of Quinn, Mr. Phelps, and the other mathletes.)
QUINN: (scornful) How many of these things do you guys do at a meeting??
PHELPS: That one will be your last. For now. (He steps away from where she is sitting and addresses the other mathletes.) Well I think that confirms it, don't you agree?
(The mathletes nod. Then some get confused looks on their faces.)
BARRY: Um... confirms what?
PHELPS: That this girl will be a fine addition to our squad.
BARRY: Oh yeah!
(He gives Quinn a lovesick look, and more nods are seen all around.)
PHELPS: Fine enough to deserve first chair.
BARRY: Yeah! (Bt) Wait a minute. Um...
JODIE: (frowning) Mr. Phelps? (Bt) You want to take first chair away from Barry?
PHELPS: Well I wasn't aware it belonged to him, but yes. Do you object, Mr. Bukowski?
BARRY: Uhhhh... (He looks as though he does, but then he turns to Quinn, who appears completely shocked.) Of course not! She can have anything she wants!
(Jodie sighs heavily. Meanwhile Daria and Jane have been listening in, Jane looking more alert.)
DARIA: (trying not to sound jealous) Wow. First meeting, first chair. Looks like Quinn's powers over the opposite sex extend to math teachers. Just imagine if she actually got along with him.
JANE: She did get all those problems right, though.
(Resume shot of Quinn, Jodie, the other mathletes, and Mr. Phelps.)
JODIE: Permission to speak my mind, sir?
PHELPS: Go ahead.
JODIE: We're going up against some really tough schools over the next few weeks. And Quinn's untested. How will she even know what to do??
PHELPS: An important question, Ms. Landon. (Bt) And my only response is that you test her out before then, hmm?
QUINN: (outraged) But who says I even WANT to be tested?! This was supposed to be one meeting and then I was through with worrying about math.
PHELPS: (with patience, accustomed to dealing with Quinn's volatile personality) Yes, well now you're presented with a new challenge, aren't you? One that perhaps you shouldn't look your nose down upon. (to the group.) Listen, it's you all who are the mathletics squad, and it's you who will be working together. I'll leave this as a choice to make amongst yourselves.
(With that, he leaves them alone.)
[Shot of Squiggley hopping around with the pencil in his ear, followed by shot of Quinn appealing to Sandi, followed by shot of Daria smirking at Quinn at the dinner table.]
You are now entering commercial HEAVEN. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.
[Random aside: if you want to know much San Francisco had sold its progressive soul, look no further than the GAP store on Haight-Ashbury! As Tiffany would say: "That's sooooooo wrong."]
You are now leaving commercial HEAVEN. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?