SCENE 1 (post office, that weekend, a few days later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of DeMartino standing near the end of a very long line, waiting to deliver a package. He grunts and groans with frustration that verges on rage, causing many people nearby him to back away in fear. Cut to frontal shot of DeMartino, twitching ever so slightly, his eye bulging, checking his watch. Just then, a hand reaches on screen and taps him on the shoulder.)
JAKE: (off screen) Hey there!
DeMARTINO: AGH!!
(He swerves around, his hands curling into fists, looking ready to smash the face of whoever touched him. The people nearby back away even further, one person behind him even leaving. Pan over to show Jake, realizing he'd done something wrong, and cowering a little, but his friendliness undiminished.)
JAKE: Heh-heh, sorry 'bout that, Mr. DeMartino. I-I just thought...
(DeMartino groans and slaps his forehead, looking resigned to the task of talking to this man when he'd rather be left alone.)
DeMARTINO: Thought "What a happy COINcidence! There's my kids' teacher whom I just saw a little more than a WEEK ago."
JAKE: (uneasy) Um, yeah. And what a small world it is.
DeMARTINO: Considering the population of Lawndale could fit into a giant's TEASPOON, it is not surprising that we could meet up in two ENTIRELY different places in a short span of time.
JAKE: Yeah. But we've never done it before. (DeMartino's brows raise in a conceding gesture.) And oh man, the stuff that's happened to me since the last time I saw you...
DeMARTINO: Before you proceed any FURTHER, may I remind you that any confidence on your part could inadvertently HUMILIATE your daughters, not to mention your WIFE. (Jake gets a chastened look on his face, as he realizes that DeMartino is right. DeMartino cocks a grudgingly curious brow.) None the less, if you WISH to proceed, I won't stand in your way.
(With that, we fade-out. Fade-in to where we left off at the end of Act One. Now we see the inside of Greg's classroom, a large, white-walled room with bright lighting, a cement floor, and small windows lining the ceiling. In one corner is a smaller supply room, where the paints, plaster, clay, and other materials have been stashed. In another stands a wall-length drying rack, housing finished and unfinished sculptures alike. It's a much more "official" atmosphere than the Lane basement in "Breaking the Mold." Most of the students in the class work at long tables, and we see Greg wandering over to each one, observing and posing questions.)
(Cut to shot of Jake and Helen standing at a table. Helen is busy at work on the "giant asparagus," gazing at it intently and not speaking. Meanwhile, Jake is standing beside her like a sentinel, on the watch for any sign of Greg. Cut to brief shot of Greg, a distance away, from Jake's POV. Cut to close-up of Jake: he gets a dark scowl on his face, and off screen we hear a sharp thumping.)
HELEN: (off screen, irritated) Jake!
(Cut to wide shot of the two of them. Helen glares at the pair of pliers which Jake has been unconsciously hitting against the table. Jake chuckles apologetically, lays them down. But as Helen continues sculpting, he grows bored with his guardian role, and starts to make unconscious throat-clearing and table rapping sounds. Finally Helen turns to Jake with a vexed expression.)
HELEN: (straining to patient) Jakey, you don't have to stay with me the entire class. Why not go mingle with the other guests?
JAKE: (vaguely panicky) Aw, but I don't want to leave you by yourself. Come with me! You always like talking to people.
HELEN: Maybe later. (glances around the room, points.) Look, honey: all of the other guests are making things. If you don't feel like talking to them, you could go to the supply room and find something to work with.
JAKE: Awww, but I don't want t... (Helen's expression suggests that she'd really like it if Jake did as she said.) Ohhh o-kay. But just remember: (puts a hand on Helen's cheek in a melodramatic gesture.) Jakey will be back before you know it! (He then engulfs her in an impulsive hug.)
HELEN: (strange expression) Umph... all right.
(Jake releases her abruptly and hurries off -- the less time away from his table the better. Helen heaves a sigh of relief and returns to her creation.)
(Cut to shot of Jake scrambling toward the supply room, his eyes turned in the opposite direction from where he was headed. Cut to his POV: we see that Greg has inched his way closer to the table and is now looking over the work of another student. Cut to shot of Jake: the panic on his face increases, and he turns toward the supply room -- and nearly plows into another student carrying a large, menacing sculpture built out of old engine parts.)
JAKE: Gah! That could've sliced my -- (takes a good look at the sculpture.) Ooooh...
MAN: You like?
JAKE: You bet I like! (starts fingering parts of the sculpture with childlike enthusiasm.) Wish I could make one of these!
MAN: (shrugging) There's a box of odds and ends in the supply room. All you need is some first class junk and a lot of patience. (Looks up from his sculpture at Jake as he says this, but sees that he's already run off.)
(Cut to shot of Jake digging through a pile that would be a junk man's dream, with an eagerness on his face that resembles an explorer on the verge of discovering a major find. Cut to shot of him emerging from the supply room, his arms loaded down with junk, on his way back to the table. But just has he's taken a couple of steps, he stops and gets a crestfallen look on his face. Cut to shot of Helen at the table: Jake's delay has been costly, for now Greg stands beside her at the table, and the two appear to be chatting.)
JAKE: (VO) There he was again! But were they talking, or (ominous) talking??
(He frowns, and is about to bolt over, when a female student walks up and casually observes the same thing.)
WOMAN: (under her breath) He has the patience of a saint.
JAKE: Wh-what do you mean??
WOMAN: (surprised that Jake heard her, but unfazed) That bitch he's talking to is possessed, or something. She hardly talks to anyone during the entire class, except to yell when someone's ruining her precious concentration.
JAKE: (confused, remembering Helen's earlier words to him) You mean no "making new contacts"?? No "networking"??
WOMAN: (shrugging) Well she's got plenty of contact with Greg. He talks to her more than anyone else. And for some crazy reason, he seems to like her the best. (She casually walks off, leaving Jake looking worried, not liking what he's heard.)
(Cut to shot of Greg standing beside Helen as she continues to sculpt. She's now in a less focused mode, and has partially turned to the side to talk with him.)
GREG: Hey, if you don't feel like discussing problems at work, then that's just fine.
HELEN: (blushing, teasing) Oh you say that, but why do I have the feeling you'll use some of that black magic on me and make me say things I never meant to say??
GREG: (still friendly, but sounding a little taken aback) What magic, Helen? All I've ever done is ask questions: it's your choice whether you want to answer them. And since you don't... (pats her arm lightly, suggesting that he's going to move on.)
HELEN: (still teasing, mustering assertiveness) Well maybe I will tell you one of these days. When I'm in the right mood.
GREG: Sure. (smiles warmly.) And you know I'll be here.
(Helen gets an expression on her face that suggests some light has been lit inside her. She looks at Greg as though there are a million things she wants to say, but couldn't begin to articulate. Finally she lets out a funny-sounding chuckle and gazes down at her work. Just then Jake storms up and dumps his odds and ends on the table, looking at Greg with a glowering expression. Greg gazes at his finds with interest, Helen with puzzlement.)
HELEN: Jake, when I sent you to the supply room, I didn't think...
JAKE: (angry) Well I'm back, and that's all that matters! And I'm not leaving anymore!
GREG: Looks like you've found yourself some mighty fine treasure.
JAKE: (looking at Helen) Yeah! And I'm not gonna let it go!
GREG: So you want to come back next week and work on it?
JAKE: Just what the hell do you mean by that?! (looks down at his junk.) Oh. (chuckles.) Well gosh, sure. I mean if Helen lets me.
HELEN: (seeming amused, exasperated by his choice of words) Of course I'll "let" you.
DeMARTINO: (VO) If it makes you feel better, Mr. Morgendorffer, I doubt that if that Greg fellow HAD designs on your wife, he would invite you to come to the very PLACE he's making his advances.
JAKE: (VO, sounding relieved) Yeah. Or else he's just really dumb!
(Fade-out. Fade-in to flashback shot of Jake and Helen in the car, on their way home from the class. Jake looks ecstatic, Helen pleased.)
JAKE: (VO) In any case, I was home free!
HELEN: Well I think it's wonderful. I didn't even know you liked art, Jake. But with you and me taking the same class, we'll finally have that quality couples time we've been after for so long.
JAKE: Yeah!
HELEN: No work nor daughters nor television nor newspapers to distract us. And this time we can really make the most of it.
JAKE: You bet! (Bt) What do you mean "this time"?
HELEN: (uneasiness creeping in) Oh well... you remember the last time we scheduled time together -- that mountain cabin retreat.
[*] see "Antisocial Climbers"
JAKE: (a grin spreads across his face as he recalls his and Helen's merrymaking) Man, do I.
HELEN: While the sex was certainly nothing to complain about... (gets a smirk on her face, which quickly disappears as she grows more serious.) it can't be everything. When we tried to just talk we... well we couldn't... (grows too embarrassed to say it point blank.)
DeMARTINO: (VO) THAT would explain why when I came to your cabin half-FROZEN, you thrust me into that game of charades.
HELEN: Look, we were probably just overtired from the drive up, from the pressures put on us by having to do so much in such a short span of time. (determined.) We'll do much better in a more low-key setting.
JAKE: Sure we will!
(Cut to shot of Jake and DeMartino in the present. They've each finished delivering the packages they brought and are leaving the post office.)
JAKE: (doing a jazzed fist pump) So now I can keep an eye on this Greg bastard, and if he tries to put moves on Helen, I'll pound him one!
DeMARTINO: (wicked look) Are you so sure spending an evening alone each week with your WIFE is a fair price to pay??
(For one moment, Jake doesn't get it. Then he bursts out laughing, and laughs so long and hard, DeMartino starts looking at him as though he's got a screw loose.)
JAKE: Seriously, I'll do whatever it takes to keep her happy. (a little subdued.) She's my rock, my support. Before she came into my life I was just drifting along, and if she left, I'd be lost.
DeMARTINO: Nice to see a man with so much FAITH in himself. (He heads toward his rusted-out car, starts to open the door. Jake watches him with a disappointed expression.)
JAKE: Gee, you gotta leave so soon? I was sorta thinking we could rap a little.
(He looks at DeMartino eagerly, who in turn looks genuinely surprised by the offer. For one moment, his usual gruffness gives way to genuine thoughtfulness. But just as quickly, his skeptical side reasserts itself.)
DeMARTINO: I realize in your VULNERABLE condition, you need a warm body to WHIMPER to, and you chose me because I happened to be around. But I am not your BUDDY. Now if you'll EXCUSE me, I've gotta get this rust bucket a LUBE JOB.
JAKE: (deflated) Oh. Sorry 'bout that. (shrugs.) I guess I got a little excited. I mean you're the first guy I've really been able to talk to in a while. (scratches his chin thoughtfully.) Something about my temper scaring them all away...
(DeMartino cocks a brow, wearing a slightly mollified expression that suggests he understands Finally he rolls his eyes skyward in a conceding manner. Fade-out.)
(Fade-in to shot of DeMartino crawling around on the ground after school, scrounging after items his students have dropped on the floor. And close to rage, as usual.)
DeMARTINO: Lousy mooching little PUNKS! Too... busy... goofing OFF with their stupid LOVE notes and paper AIR planes and chewing gum -- GRRRHHH! (as he accidently presses down on an old piece of gum stuck to the floor.) Goddamn stupid little...
(Suddenly he runs into a pair of shiny brown leather shoes. DeMartino stares at them with surprise, and looks up. Cut to his POV: we see none other than Phelps towering above him. Resume previous shot. DeMartino gets a look of extreme irritation, and for one moment seems to carefully consider whether or not to spit on those flawless shoes. Cut to shot of Phelps as seen from normal eye level. DeMartino leaps up and gazes at him menacingly.)
DeMARTINO: (gritting teeth) May I HELP you with something??
PHELPS: (even-toned) Perhaps. Perhaps not. (DeMartino gets an even more irritated expression on his face.) Look, we've seemed to have developed some sort of impasse this past year. And I, for one, would like to break through it.
DeMARTINO: Oh REALLY?? How?
PHELPS: That's for both of us to decide. (groans.) Look, from the moment I arrived --
DeMARTINO: After stuffing your precious Bentley into my PARKING SPACE!
PHELPS: (more irritated) Which did not have "Property of Anthony DeMartino" written on it. Otherwise, I can assure you --
DeMARTINO: (steamed, remembering) Ms. Li threw an enormous PARTY to announce that none of us teachers would be getting a raise for the year because the DISTRICT had to find some way to pay YOU!
PHELPS: (lips curling slightly with impatience) Again, not my fault. I can't be held responsible for how the public school system decides to screw the people who keep it afloat.
DeMARTINO: You can if you didn't have to COME to this crummy public school system in the FIRST place! Which makes me wonder again --
PHELPS: (rolling his eyes) For the thousandth time, the reason I'm here is because I felt that my services would be of greater value than at Fielding.
(DeMartino leans forward and looks at him probingly.)
DeMARTINO: Why do I not BELIEVE you??
PHELPS: (eyes narrowing) I really don't care whether you do or do not, dear chum. The point is that we're both here to teach the students to the best of our ability. We should be combining strategy, not clawing each other's eyes out.
(DeMartino grunts concedingly.)
JAKE: (VO) So did you two work it out, then?
DeMARTINO: (VO) Oh... um, yeah. I made that lousy interloper see things MY way. (cackles angrily.)
(Cut to shot of him standing next to his car, beside Jake.)
JAKE: That's tellin' 'im, big guy! (does a fist pump, then cowers a little.) Um, is it all right if I call you "big guy"?
DeMARTINO: (something resembling a smile on his face, sort of flattered by the praise) While I am not certain I would give myself the nickname commonly associated with a teenage FOOTBALL player, in your case, I'll let it slide. (Suddenly a shadow falls over his face.) Well I gotta get going.
JAKE: Will I see you again??
DeMARTINO: (gruff) You mean you WANT to see me again??
JAKE: (cowering a little) Um, only if you want to.
(DeMartino grunts in response.)
DeMARTINO: (still skeptical) If you feel you can't live WITHOUT me, give me a ring. And MAYBE I'll be in a good mood.
JAKE: Great!
(He waves and walks away jauntily, feeling on top of the world. As DeMartino gets into his car, his face takes on a dark expression. Dissolve to the flashback scene with him and Phelps, resuming where it had left off.)
PHELPS: Now if you would only follow my advice, I think we'll be able to fix your problems.
DeMARTINO: (re-enraged) MY problems?! I keep protesting to DEAF ears that the only problem I have is YOU.
PHELPS: (bemused expression) Well then, you obviously must be deaf to the comments of your students and fellow faculty members. Don't you realize that people are sneering at you when they're not cowering??
(DeMartino trembles with some of his eye-bulging psycho rage, and reaches over to grip the lapels of Phelps's coat. Phelps gets an extremely irritated look on his face but, although he's not a scrawny man by any means, refrains from trying to pull away. Their eyes lock.)
DeMARTINO: You've got that BACKWARDS, pal! It's you they're sneering at! Or at least they will when I get through CONVINCING them!!
PHELPS: (calm) And how do you plan to do that? With your (slight smirk.) stirring oratory? With your high ideals?
DeMARTINO: Seniority, DAMMIT!
PHELPS: Oh please. When our colleagues look at you, they see an angry, vile, nasty man who hates his work and has no respect for other people. A man who spouts conspiracy theories about cutting the Humanities to cover up the fact that he can't look himself in the mirror each morning. No years of hard work will grant you the respect of your peers if you're just going to give it away with each opportunity that arises.
(In response to these words, DeMartino grows both more enraged and perceptibly shaken up. He looks as though he wants to strangle Phelps, but is paralyzed. Instead he releases his grip on Phelps's coat and just sort of twitches and eye-bulges at random.)
PHELPS: (brushes off his lapels.) I may not be universally liked at this school, but at least people know that I'm trying to help the students succeed. No one in God's name knows why you linger about.
(With that, he leaves.)
(Fade-out. Fade-in to: )
SCENE 2 (Greg's art classroom)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Helen standing at her usual table, tying wire to a wooden base. Greg saunters up to her, arms folded, and looks at what she's doing with bemusement.)
GREG: Helen, don't tell me you've already finished "The Naked Inferno." (shakes his head.) You really are a whirlwind.
HELEN: Finished? (chuckles.) Oh, I'm nowhere near finished with that. I've just put it aside for a while because my husband and I are going to be working on a project together. We decided last night.
GREG: (surprised) Oh... that's nice. Nothing like two people forging a bond through combined creative energy.
HELEN: (pleased) That's exactly what I was thinking.
GREG: (somewhat subdued) Yes, well... I hope you do get around to finishing your other piece. You seemed to enjoy working on it so much. (smiles.) And how often do we really enjoy our work, huh?
HELEN: (pleasure fading a little) Right. (Bt. That reminds her of something, and she gets a thoughtful look on her face.) Greg, before you go...
GREG: Mmm-hmm?
HELEN: (lowering her eyes slightly, sotto voce) Do you remember when I said I'd answer your questions when I was in the "right" mood? (Pauses to think, obviously trying to sort through a lot of complicated emotions.) Look, do not think that what I'm going to tell you means anything. (chuckles uneasily, speaks rapidly in her "I'm-on-it" tone.) Everyone has a bad week; it's just a part of life. And I certainly don't view a bad week -- or three or four -- as any cause for alarm. If anything I look upon it as an opportunity to attack the problem, which really isn't a problem, and find a solution that will make everything work out for the bet--
GREG: Helen, Helen... (smiles.) Just say what's on your mind, okay?
(Beat)
HELEN: (cheeks reddening) Oh... I didn't realize... (rolls her eyes.) All right, all right. I've been feeling a little tired at work lately. (insistent.) Nothing that can't be overcome by good attitude, I'm sure.
GREG: (nodding) Right, you've said that.
HELEN: I thought it was just fatigue from the big McCarthy case, but... um when it didn't go away, I started to think there could be another explanation. (smiles uneasily, as though she's trying to make it easier to say things she's almost too afraid to admit.) Maybe...
JAKE: (off screen, forced-cheerful) I'm back, honey! Did you miss me??
(He appears on screen in jeans and an old T-shirt, carrying a bucketful of clay and some of the old junk which he promptly dumps on the table in a mood-shattering clatter. Then, after grimacing at Greg for a moment, he grabs Helen and proceeds to plant an Al-and-Tipper-Gore kiss on her lips. Helen finally pulls away, looking both embarrassed and aroused, and giggles uneasily at Greg. Cut to wide shot. Many members of the class are watching with bemused expressions. Cut to shot of Jane, who's decided to stay this week, in the corner. She cocks a brow, watches with interest. Resume shot of Helen, Jake, and Greg.)
GREG: (shaking his head with bemusement) I'll leave you two alone. If you need me, just whistle. (leaves.)
JAKE: Thanks but no thanks, pal! We'll do just fine on our own! (turns to Helen, jazzed up.) Okay, honey, I'm ready to dive in! What do we do first?? (claps a couple of times.)
HELEN: Well I thought that we could discuss it.
JAKE: Okay.
(A long, slightly awkward silence follows, much like the one they experienced in "Antisocial Climbers" when they tried to communicate.)
HELEN: Or I have a few ideas. (gestures at the base and wire.) As you can see, I've already gotten us started.
(Jake nods, then reaches for one of his junk items. Helen shakes her head, points to the clay. Jake gets a contrite look on his face, and reaches for the clay to mold it on the frame, as Helen directs. Helen starts to do the same.)
JAKE: (most eager, appealing tone) Wow, look at us! Sculpting together... isn't that cool?? We never do this at home! (Bt) So are we communicating yet?
HELEN: We're starting to. (regards him with a pleased expression.) Well I suppose I could tell you about how work is going. (Pauses momentarily, wondering whether to give him the "sunny" scenario, or the more troubled one she was about to give Greg.) It's not an easy thing for me to discuss, but I suppose I'll have to face it sooner or later...
(Jake nods silently, unaware that his eyes are glazing over. He is soon met by a glare from his wife.)
JAKE: What??
HELEN: (resentful) You're not interested. You've got that bored look on your face again.
JAKE: (defensive) I do not! I'm always happy to hear what case you've won or... um, how you're too busy to talk 'cause you need to focus on winning other cases. (chuckles uneasily.) So who'd you beat today, honey??
(Helen looks at him probingly for a moment or two, as if trying to determine how he would treat the news which she was already so reluctant to tell Greg. Finally she withdraws perceptively, forces a smile.)
HELEN: I wasn't in court today, actually.
(Jake looks at her for a second, waiting to see if she'll offer more. When she doesn't, he gets back to sculpting.)
HELEN: (probing the clay, infusing herself with new friendliness) So how was your day??
JAKE: Great! Just great! (Bt. gets a dark look on his face.) Except for that guy who cut me off on the interstate on my way to work. Boy, wasn't he a little punk! Thought it was perfectly fine to almost get me KILLED just so he could go ten miles faster! Goddamn it, where's a cop when you NEED one?! Oh sure, they only come out when I --!
(Helen stares at him wearily, sees that he has entered his own reality. After a couple of attempts to bring him out of it, she sighs and keeps working on the sculpture. Fade-out.)
(Fade-in to close-up shot of the sculpture, toward the end of class. It's very strange looking, sort of lopsided with junk objects around the fringes. Cut to shot of Jane standing near Greg, looking at it from a slight distance.)
JANE: I've got a pretty expansive range of tastes. I can appreciate the eccentric, twisted minds who photographed their body parts and put them on display... or who expected us to see genius in the way they can paint canvases a single color. But that (wrinkles her nose.) is bad.
GREG: (solemnly) All art has a purpose, Jane.
JANE: Well then the purpose of that one must be to say: "I'm on my last legs. Please, please put me out of my misery."
(Greg shakes his head and frowns at the piece off screen. Cut to shot of Helen and Jake, both looking tired out and cross, as though it's been a long three hours.)
HELEN: (irritated) Dammit Jake, don't pile so much on your side. You're ruining it.
JAKE: (whiny, irritated) Ruining what?? I don't even know what it's supposed to be!
HELEN: For the last time, I told you --
(Just then a fellow student casually walks up and looks at Jake's side of the sculpture, having not caught the bickering.)
MAN: Hmm, I like where you're going with this.
JAKE: (pleased) Thanks!
HELEN: Oh who asked YOU?! (The student takes one look at her and bolts. Helen turns to Jake and groans.) Why don't we work on this some more at home??
(Fade-out. Fade-in to: )
SCENE 3 (Lawndale High, montage)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to frontal close-up of DeMartino, stomping down the hallway, head bent forward, teeth bared, eye bulging. His usual walking style.)
(Cut to shot of the hallway as seen from his POV, the camera moving wherever his eyes move. Up ahead, students who have been casually talking get deer-in-headlights looks as he approaches, and scurry off in all directions. One of the students we recognize as Stacy. She bursts into tears and whimpers as she realizes she doesn't have a place to hide. The camera lingers on her, then returns to the hallway.)
DeMARTINO: (VO) MrrrRRRRRRRRR... spoiled brats, every one...
(Just then a paper airplane shoots out of nowhere and the screen goes black momentarily.)
DeMARTINO: GAHHHHHHHHHH! (indicating he's been hit in the eye.)
(He swerves around, and we see Kevin standing against his locker, looking goofy and proud, while Brittany leans on his shoulder.)
KEVIN: Hey Mr. D! How'd ya like my paper airplane? (As the camera zooms in, his face gets a panicked look.) Mr. D??
DeMARTINO: (VO) ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!
(Kevin jumps out of the way moments before the camera crashes into the locker, causing everything to swirls around and momentarily go out of focus.)
BRITTANY: (off screen) Run, Kevvy! RUN!!!
(The camera regains focus, turns upright, and begins shooting down the hallway as DeMartino chases Kevin, who can be seen a distance away, running for dear life. The camera doesn't pause for the random student that walks out of the classroom, and only shakes a little as DeMartino bumps roughly into each one. Papers and notebooks fly up and briefly block our view of the hallway.)
STUDENTS: (off screen, angry) Hey, watch it!
(As the last paper flutters away, we see that DeMartino has nearly caught up to Kevin, who is scrambling to open the double doors to the outside. As Kevin runs out onto the lawn, we see a large hand reach on screen, yank his collar, and send him tumbling to the ground. Pan over and zoom in on Kevin's neck, linger for several seconds, as DeMartino's enraged grunting grows louder. Just then: )
O'NEILL: (freaked) Anthony!
(Cut to wide shot. DeMartino, who's preparing to enact the same violence that got him put in the mental institution [as noted in "The Daria Database"], straightens up from his crouched position and looks off screen. Pan over to show the open window of the teacher's lounge, where O'Neill and now several other teachers are looking out at him.)
O'NEILL: Violence is never the answer!
BARCH: (sarcastic) Well it's business as usual, I see.
DeFOE: (shakes her head) To think he could have been a great man.
(Barch and DeFoe turn and head away from the window. Cut to shot of DeMartino. His unexpected audience has taken some wind out of his sails. He gets a look on his face like he wants to protest, which quickly turns to frustration as he realizes it won't do him any good. Just then he looks and notices Kevin has fled, which causes him to start pounding the ground in frustration.)
(Cut to the men's bathroom a short time later. DeMartino stumbles in, covered with dirt, his hair in disarray because of the papers flying into him. He walks up to the sinks and looks into the mirror. Pan over to show his reflection. As Phelps suggested by his "can't look himself in the mirror" remark, DeMartino groans loudly when he sees it.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, Friday evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of a casually-dressed Helen walking down the basement stairs, on her way down to where the sculpture is. She gets a surprised look on her face as she reaches the bottom. Pan over to show the sculpture she and Jake were working on, now with several pieces of junk twisted over it, forming an unusual tapestry. Helen walks over to it and eyes it with a strange expression, as if wondering whether pixies had worked on it since the last art class.)
HELEN: What the...? (fingering it.) Jake?
JAKE: (off screen, excited tone) Hey honey, what d' you think?! (Cut to shot of him running down the stairs and bounding up to Helen, pointing to the sculpture with delight.) While you were still at the office, I just got inspired, and before I knew it, I was putting stuff together! (gesticulates wildly.) Boy, now I understand why you like your art class so much! I swear this image just popped into my head about how the piece should look, and how all these separate parts fit together, and oh man I'm telling you, I got so wired up, I felt like I was back in the Sixties and on... you know...
(His voice takes on a low Elvis tone during these last few words, and he pulls Helen to him in an embrace. Helen lays her head on his shoulder, wearing an expression of genuine pleasure for Jake.)
HELEN: Oh Jakey, I love it when you're like this.
JAKE: (purry) So do I...
HELEN: But--um... (A vague look of unease crosses her face, and you can tell she'd rather not spoil the moment by saying what's on her mind.) I wish you had waited until you'd consulted me. We're supposed to be working on this project together, remember?
JAKE: (excitement fading) Oh... I know I was supposed to wait 'til you got home. But your sculptures are so, er, original, I didn't think you'd mind. (hopeful expression.) You couldn't work around it?
HELEN: (trying to stay upbeat) Um... of course. I'll be fine.
(Pause. She and Jake both look at the sculpture, and then Jake looks at Helen. Without another word, he starts removing some of the objects he'd added, until Helen puts up a hand for him to stop. She wears a grateful, yet apologetic expression, for she realizes that her unspoken request has dampened the mood, lessening the chance for meaningful communication. As she and Jake prepare to work on the sculpture some more, she pauses to think of ways she can restore it.)
HELEN: (donning her smock) Honey, I've been thinking. During the last class, I wasn't very on the level with you.
(Jake, who's been looking for a pair of pliers on a high shelf, freezes on the stepladder he's standing on.)
JAKE: "On the level"?? (trying to stay calm) Um--er, what do you mean??
HELEN: I mean here I've been wanting us to communicate more as a couple, and I didn't even give you a chance to respond to the mixed-up feelings I've been having lately.
(Jake hops/falls off of the stepladder, his eyes wide, suddenly feeling as though Helen is going to admit what he hasn't wanted to hear.)
JAKE: (voice verging on panic) Honey-honey, whatever it is, it'll be okay! Jakey's sorry for everything he's done or everything you think I might've done! I'll make everything better from now on, I promise! (nervous rambling.) No toilet seat covers up, no reading the paper over an open flame --
HELEN: (mystified by his behavior) Oh honestly Jakey, you don't need to be everything to me; just listen. (sighs.) I'm just not used to admitting my feelings in this way. It's not how I was brought up so it doesn't feel right.
JAKE: (eyes wider and more panicked) Oh God, I should think so!
HELEN: (looking at him a bit strangely) But I was talking to Greg, and he was the one who really urged me to --
JAKE: (face darkening into a scowl) Greg! Of course!! Dammit, I don't want to hear about that BASTARD!
HELEN: (gets a look of absolute astonishment) But I wasn't talking about him. I was talking about --
JAKE: Greg, Greg, GREG!! That's ALL I've been hearing about lately! I know how you always talk to him!
HELEN: (face reddening) Well that's why I'm talking to you. You're my husband, I don't want to keep things from y--
JAKE: (covers his eyes with his hands.) I don't wanna HEAR anything more! JUST DON'T TELL ME!!
(Beat)
HELEN: (cool tone) Don't tell you that I've been having a lousy month at work?
JAKE: (uncovering his eyes) Huh??
(Helen sighs.)
HELEN: (looks embarrassed to be admitting this) I haven't been, um, as enthusiastic about my job as I usually am. I think I might be in some sort of rut.
JAKE: Oh. (He suddenly laughs loudly with relief.) Is that all?? (He races over to embrace his wife.)
HELEN: (trace of annoyance) What do you mean "is that all"?
JAKE: (putting his arms around her) Oh nothing!
HELEN: (resting her head on his shoulder) Well I just regret having acted as though I lacked confidence that you'd understand what I was going through. And I'm sorry that I've been telling Greg things I should be telling you.
JAKE: (happy) Hey, it's all right! Everything'll work out fine! (pulls back so he can look at Helen.) I mean you're the lawyer. Law is what you do, and you're good at it!
HELEN: Oh, well thank you.
JAKE: No one argues better than you do! No one works longer hours or later nights! (doesn't notice when Helen's face starts to lose some of its glow.) I mean heck, (chuckles with a tinge of resentment.) you made it pretty clear years ago that your job and you are one and the same, and you'll be bouncing back in no time because... well, what other choice do you have? Especially with the kids going to college and the mortgage -- oh good GOD (is quickly consumed by the horror of being steeped in debt.)
(Beat. Helen pulls back a little more so that Jake no longer has his arms around her.)
HELEN: Thank you, sweetheart. You're right. That's who I am -- the lawyer.
(She pats her husband's shoulder with affection, but it's obvious what Jake said wasn't what she wanted to hear.)
[Shot of Jake running up to Helen and Greg, followed by shot of DeMartino grabbing Phelps by the lapels, followed by shot of Kevin running away in fear for his life, followed by shot of Jake talking excitedly to Helen in the basement.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
Now here is a truly hellish commercial...
1 BLACK.
NARRATOR Daria Morgendorffer never had a pleasant life. But what she didn't realize was how much worse was the prospect of death.
Cue the scary music.
2 INT. DARIA AND JANE'S APARTMENT, DARIA'S BEDROOM.
DARIA (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt) is in bed, her face showing fear.
3 PAN TO SHOW: A MIRROR.
QUINN (played by Keri Russell), looking as if she's a walking corpse, dirty and dressed in rags, floats on the other side of the mirror, her fingertips against the glass. Behind QUINN can be seen the flames of Hell.
4 CUT TO: INT. BEAVIS'S BEDROOM.
The bedroom is in total disarray. SMILEY (a slasher-killer in a smiley-face mask) hits BEAVIS (played by Ian Ziering) in the stomach, knocking him to the ground.
5 EXT. LAWNDALE GRAVEYARD—NIGHT.
At the grave of TOMMY SHERMAN, MONIQUE (played by Laura Prepon), BRITTANY (played by Melissa Joan Hart), ANDREA (played by Rose McGowan), and QUINN sit around a pentagram and much magical apparatus, holding hands and chanting.
6 CUT TO: BLACK
SUPER: DON'T GO OUT AT NIGHT
7 CUT TO: EXT. THE DUMPSTER BEHIND A GOOD TIME CHINESE RESTAURANT.
Many people dressed as killers from horror movies are assembled. Someone dressed as Ghost Face (from the _Scream_ movies) drops a struggling QUINN into the dumpster.
8 CUT TO: BLACK.
SUPER: DON'T RUN IN HIGH HEELS
9 INT. HADDON HALL.
As SMILEY approaches her, HEATHER (played by Selma Blair), careless, tumbles over a banister from the fourth floor to the third floor.
10 CUT TO: BLACK.
SUPER: DON'T MOCK THE RULES
11 CUT TO: INT. MOESCHBERGER DORMITORY, TRENT AND JESSE'S DORM ROOM.
TAYLOR, a cat, sits on a bed, playing with a ball of yarn. JESSE(played by Leonardo DiCaprio) enters his dorm room, just returning from the showers, with only a towel around his waist. He is whistling something. He opens the mirrored door of the medicine cabinet to get some hair gel, and when he closes it, SMILEY can be seen in the reflection, and he/she does not look happy.
12 CUT TO: BLACK.
SUPER: AND ABOVE ALL ELSE
13 INT. HOSPITAL, HALLWAY.
QUINN, half-dressed and a big bruise on her face, runs out of a Hospital room.
14 CUT TO: BLACK.
SUPER: STAY AWAY FROM
15 CUT TO: HALLWAY.
SANDI (played by Denise Richards), with only a towel wrapped around her to hide her nakedness, and holding FLUFFY, a cat, slowly spins. We can see SMILEY emerging from the darkness behind her with a raised knife. SANDI screams and throws FLUFFY in SMILEY's face.
16 CUT TO: BLACK.
SUPER: THE MISERY CHICK
17 CUT TO: INT. COFFEE SHOP.
DARIA and TRENT (played by Jakob Dylan) are in a coffee shop. No one else is present. Daria is on the phone. SMILEY suddenly bursts though the front door wielding a hunting knife. DARIA screams.
18 CUT TO: BLACK
SUPER: DARIA 2: THE CURSE OF THE MISERY CHICK
SUPER: DECEMBER 2000
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?