Who Framed Janet Barch?

A Daria Fan Fiction set during The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series

By Crazy Nutso

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction (or a desperate plea for help....you be the judge) Daria & her amazing friends are ™ and © MTV. Daria and all other characters belong to MTV, but were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. Doesn't that just suck? All music, pop culture references, and the like are probably ® ™ and © also but I'm to damn lazy to look it up. Used without permission...Please don't sue me :>]

(Instead of the traditional Daria intro, you get the The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series intro instead. The Music is Get Your Kicks On Route 66 as performed by The Cramps (`cause I love that song!!) and the intro is Red Dwarf style, ie. it features scenes from the upcoming season (called teasers))

Jane carrying an unconscious Jodie over her shoulder.
The fashion club is in the bus bathroom, doing their grooming rituals, outside the door, a line is beginning to form.
Jane, Daria, and Jodie standing back-to-back-to-back in fighter's stance, they appear to be in a bar, and judging by all the broken furniture/people laying on the floor, you might assume they're in a bar fight.
The fashion club is STILL at it, and outside we see the line has grown longer, and the people in it look more impatient.
A shot of a cemetary, the camera moves in on 1 particular tombstone. The ground is still heaped out, so we know this is a fresh grave. The inscription on the tombstone reads "Here Lies Thomas Barch". Their is a single red rose laying on top of the grave.
The line outside the bathroom is now HUGE. Ms. Li pushes to the front, opens the door with a key, and pulls the fashion club out. Pan to the front of the bus, where Daria has just come down the steps. She gets her "Mona Lisa" smile, then the logo surrounds her and the screen goes blue.

The Logo screen reads: Daria in: "Who Framed Janet Barch?"

ACT I. The Great White North

Scene 1. Run to the Border!

The Mystik Spiral tour bus is at the Canadian border, going through customs. Mounties search the bus, as everyone sits outside and watches.

Kevin:		Um, hey Daria?

Daria:		What?

Kevin:		What's Canada (he pronounces it can-ã-dee-ya) like?

Daria:		(SIGHS) Canada (pronounced correctly) is 
		pretty much like America, only cleaner, (beat)
		and without all the guns.

Kevin:		So...like....why are they searching the bus?

Daria:		They're afraid we'll bring guns to the rebels.
		Canada is a fascist state run by aliens from
		the planet Belfador 38.^1^

Kevin:		Really?

Daria:		No.  They're afraid we'll bring 'offensive' comic
		books into their country.^2^

Kevin:		Oh come on Daria!  I'm not stupid!

Jane:		So what's going on here?

Kevin:		Daria's telling me about Canada's (STILL mangled)
		government.  It's run by ALIENS!

Jane:		(to Daria) Way to set back his education.  (to
		Kevin)  But the worst thing the aliens
		have done...(motions Kevin to come closer,
		whispers) they've convinced everyone in this
		country that football is actually soccer!

Kevin:		AW MAN!  (He runs to the back of the bus,
		probably to share his newfound 'wisdom' with
		Brittany)

Jane:		Another stimulating intellectual conversation
		with the QB?

Daria:		Oh, yes.  Incidentally, you're quite wrong.  Regina^3^,
		the city we're headed for, is the home to the
		Saskatchewan Roughriders a professional
		football team just like the ones back home.

Jane:		You've been reading the tourist literature
		again haven't you?

Daria:		Anything to stave off the boredom.

They get on the bus and head upstairs. The scene fades out.

Scene 2. The Road Worrier.

We see Mr. O'Neill & Ms. Barch, sitting in the back of the bus, talking.

Ms. Barch:	I just don't think I can
		STAND to see him.

Mr. O'Neill:	Janet, Regina is a big town.  I'm sure 
		you won't see him.

Ms. Barch:	But what if I DO, Timmy?  I don't
		know if I can face him.

Mr. O'Neill:	I'll be there for you, Janet.

Ms. Barch:	Thanks, Timmy.

She puts her head on his shoulder as the scene fades out.^4^

Scene 3. Backstage at Lawndale! the musical.

We see a backstage area. A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE is sneaking around. The MF (Mysterious Figure) is looking all around for something. A close-up shows MF going through a purse. MF is wearing gloves. We see MF pull out a stun gun.

MF:		Perfect!

We see MF put the stun gun in a plastic bag, and shove it into MF's coat. At this point, MF hears someone coming, and ducks behind a wall. Mr. O'Neill & Ms. Barch enter.

Mr. O'Neill:	So where do you want to
		eat tonight?

Ms. Barch:	How about "Joey's Only" Seafood Restaurant?

Mr. O'Neill:	Sounds great!

After they leave, MF comes out from hiding.

MF:		Just perfect!

Then MF sneaks out the back door.^5^

Scene 4. Eat at Joey's.

"Joey's Only" Seafood restaurant is a small seafood restaurant with a romantic setting.^6^ We see Ms. Barch and Mr. O'Neill sitting in a corner. Then the camera pans across the room to show another couple on the other side of the room. The man is in his fifties. He's well dressed, but he doesn't look good in his expensive clothes. Bald, fat and basically unpleasant to look at...he is Thomas Barch, Janet Barch's Ex-hubby. With him is his current wife, Jessica.^7^ Jessica looks to be about 28. She looks like a fashion model or something. She is also dressed fashionably, but the clothes look GOOD on her.

Mr. Barch (Tom)	I can't believe you wanted to eat in this cheap dive.

Mrs. Barch (Jessica):	I didn't pick it.  Your boss called and
		said HE wanted to meet you here.  He didn't
		say why.

Tom:		Yeah, that Rod Fletcher^8^ is one cheap bastard.
		I had to sue him just to get the the money
		I had coming for that O'Hanacan case, and
		now I have to sue him AGAIN just to get
		my money for that Flanneghen affair.  Good
		thing our new lawyer is a good one.  Could have
		used him when I cut loose that bitch
		Janet.

Jessica:	Speaking of which, isn't that her over there?  (points)

Tom:		(Looks)  What the....  That bitch!  Bad enough
		she hired someone to find me, NOW she shows
		up!  Well I'm gonna go over there and give her
		a piece of my mind!  (he gets up)

Jessica:	Umm.  Tom, maybe you shouldn't...  (too late...
		he's already on his way)

The camera follows him across the room. As he passes the entrance to the restaurant, we see to mounties entering. They appear to be looking for something. The camera continues to follow Tom as he heads for Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch's table. Ms. Barch's back is to him, so she doesn't see him coming. He gets to their booth and slams his fists down on their table.

Tom:		Dammit Janet!  Isn't it bad enough 
		that you took away my house, my 
		car, my youth, even my hair!  And 
		forced me to flee the country to get 
		away from your damn lawyers.  Now 
		you've come here!

Ms. Barch:	(coldly) Tom, I'm here because of my
		job.  You remember my job don't
		you?  The one that put you through 
		college so you could run off with some
		bimbo half your age?

Tom:		Now you listen to me you cu...

Mr. O'Neill:	Now, lets just all calm down.  I'm sure
		if we just sit down, we can discuss this
		quietly and rationally.

Tom:		Well look at you.  (indicates Mr. O'Neill)
		I always thought Janet would go
		lezzie.  I guess you are as close 
		as she could come without losing her job.

Ms. Barch:	(gets up to stand opposite Tom.  The yelling
		has attracted the attention of the 2 mounties,
		who are approaching.)  Look, Tom (says his
		name like it's a bad word) I don't have to take
		your abuse anymore.

Tom:		You'll take what I tell you to!

At this point, everything goes into slow motion. We see Tom raise his hand to hit Ms. Barch. Ms. Barch's defense class training kicks in. She kicks him in his ample gut, then kicks him in his bald head as he buckles over. Tom is on the floor, out cold. Immediatly the mounties (I'm just gonna call them the cops from now on, OK?) Grab Ms. Barch and take her away. Scene fades away.

Scene 5. Intermission.

The scene opens in the lobby of The Travel-Inn.^9^ Daria and Jane are on their way through, headed for the bus. Ms. Li, Mr. O'Neill, and Ms. Barch are on the way in.

Ms. Li		I cannot believe I had to bail out a 
		member of my staff.  (muttered to herself) And 
		right when I had a hot streak going at 
		Casino Regina.^10^

(she drags the two of them off to their rooms.)

Daria:		Wonder what that was all about?

Jane:		Who knows?  I can't believe we got stuck
		sleeping in the bus again.

Daria:		Yeah, those Beauty Rest Beds really looked
		comfy.

Jane:		Well I'm sure if you go back and talk
		to Trent...

Daria:		And I'm sure that if you finish that sen-
		tence, you'll be in an unmarked grave before
		morning.

Jane:		OK Ok, sorry.  We'll miss out on the free
		continental breakfast, too.

Daria:		Canadian bacon?

Jane:		Ooh, bad one.  (they arrive at the bus and
		go inside)

Scene 6. Meet Me on the Bus^11^

Daria and Jane are getting ready to go to sleep. Music is played in the background

Daria:		What music is this?

Jane:		It's The Way by Murder She 
		Wrote.  They're a German band.

Daria:		Where'd you get that?

Jane:		Off the internet.

Daria:		Geek.

Jane:		Hey!  I'm not the one that
		has the library of fanfics by that
		C. E. Foreman guy.

Daria:		No, you read the ones written
		by that 'Wacky Weirdo' guy.

Jane:		Crazy Nutso!  And his fanfics are
		poignant, yet funny and entertaining!^12^

Daria:		Whatever you say Jane.  Good night.

Jane:		'Night.

Jane shuts the light off. It is not entirely dark, and we see the camera pan to a glow in the dark clock. We see the hands jump to indicate the passage of time.^13^ Then we hear some noises, like someone opening a door, and bumping around in the downstairs of the bus.

Daria:		Jane!  Jane, are you awake?

Jane:		I wasn't.  What do you want?

Daria:		I thought I heard something downstairs.

Jane:		I didn't hear anything (beat) Until you
		woke me up.

Daria:		(Listens for a few minutes, doesn't hear 
		anything else)  Sorry, Jane.  I guess I 
		imagined it.

Jane:		Fine.  Let's go back to sleep, OK?

Daria:		Sorry.

End of this scene.

Scene 7. Morning raid.

It's morning. All the Lawndaleites have been loaded on the bus. The bus is about to pull out of the parking lot, onto highway 1, when a bunch of cop cars suddenly pull up. They quickly surround the bus.

Cop:		(through a bullhorn) Stop that bus!  
		I want everyone to exit the bus slowly!
		We have a warrant to search the bus and
		its occupants.

Otto:		You'll never take me alive pigs!
		(He runs out of the bus, headed toward
		The Husky Truck Stop which
		is across the street.  He is quickly tackled
		and cuffed).

Everyone comes out of the bus. They are patted down by the cops. When Ms. Barch comes out, she is taken aside by two female cops. Suddenly a cop comes out of the bus. He is holding a plastic bag with a gun in it.

Cop:		We've got the murder weapon.  It
		was in her suitcase.

Female cop:	(to Ms. Barch) Janet Barch, you are under
		arrest for the murder of Thomas Barch.

Ms. Barch:	EEP!

Ms. Barch is put into a cop car. As the cop car drives away, we see the faces off all the Lawndaleites. Most of the faces express shock or dismay. Mr. O'Neill is openly weeping (big surprise) Ms. Li looks pissed (because this will inconvenience her) and Kevin looks vacant (as usual). The bumper comes up, showing Ms. Barch kicking Tom.

Commercial Break

Oddly enough, the only commercial I can think of is the one where they have a young couple getting married, and the woman is repeating her wedding vow, it goes like this..."To love honor and cherish (she repeats) from this day forward (she repeats) Through mental and physical abuse, and all the excuses lies...etc (woman looks confused) then the message is 'you wouldn't have put up with it then, so why put up with it now?' I HOPE this is an effective commercial, as, being a married person, the idea of spousal abuse sickens me.

End of Commercial break

ACT II. Daria's clues.

Scene 1. Meeting

Ms. Li, Daria, Jane, Jodie, Andrea (the goth chick) and Stacy are in a meeting room at the hotel. Ms. Li is at the front of the table.^14^ We join the meeting already in progress.

Ms. Li:		And so...If we can't get out of here 
		in two days, we'll have to cancel our 
		next concert.  Needless to say, that is 
		undesirable.  So I want you girls to look 
		into this matter.  See if you can find some 
		way to prove that Ms. Barch is innocent.

Andrea:		Do you care if she really is innocent?

Ms. Li:		(flustered, probably doesn't)  Of course I do.  Mr.
		O'Neill has vouched her.  She was with him
		throughout the night.

Stacy:		(innocent voice)  What were they doing
		Ms Li?

Ms. Li:		I am sure that I don't know.  (she leaves the room)

Daria:		Alright, did anyone besides me (glares at
		Jane) notice anything odd last night?

Jodie:		Mack told me Upchuck never came to their room
		last night.

Stacy:		He wasn't on the bus this morning, either.

Daria:		Anything else?  (beat) No?  OK, I guess Jane
		and I will have to interview Mr. O'Neill.

The girls all leave. Camera follows Jane and Daria. They knock on a hotel door, and it is opened by Mr. O'Neill. He lets them in.

Scene 2. Mr. O'Neill

Mr. O'Neill's room looks like every other hotel room you've ever seen. He's sitting on the bed, trying to keep from bursting into tears (again). Daria and Jane are sitting in chairs.

Daria:		So she was arrested for assaulting Mr. Barch?

Mr. O'Neill:	Yes, she was just defending
		herself.  He used to beat her,
		you know.

Jane:		Wait a minute.  I thought her ex
		was that DJ...Randy^15^

Mr. O'Neill:	No, Randy is just some guy she
		dated in high school, before she
		was married.

Jane:		Why'd she keep her married name?

Mr. O'Neill:	Well, first of all, you have to realize that
		many abused women stay with their abusive
		spouse because they still have feelings 
		for them.  In fact, if Tom hadn't left her,
		Janet might still be with him.  (he obviously
		doesn't like that idea)  Plus her maiden
		name was her fathers, and her few 
		memories of him before he left her mother
		are not pleasant.

Daria:		Umm..Getting back to the problem at hand..
		what kind of case do they have against Ms.
		Barch?

Mr. O'Neill:	You'd have to talk to Inspector Clouseau^16^ 
		at the police station.

Daria:		Our next stop.  Let's go, Jane.

Daria and Jane leave. fade Out.

Scene 3. At the station.

Daria and Jane are in a police inspector's office. They sit in chairs, and Inspector Clouseau is behind the desk. He is a frenchman, and speaks with the cheesy french accent you've come to expect from American films. He is a short man with a beard, and he wears a hat like you usually see on Sherlock Holmes.

Inspector Clouseau:	I'm sorry, dear children, but ze
		case against your teacher is quite strong.  Facts:
		First, she assaults him during dinner, we obtained 
		her fingerprints at this point.  Second, at ze murder
		scene, we find a stun gun, which we believe was 
		used to disable ze victim's wife, who was found
		unconscious at ze scene of ze crime.  Third
		Fingerprints belonging to Ms Barch were on said
		stun gun.  Fourth, and most damning to Ms Barch,
		we find ze gun in her suitcase.  Open and shut
		case.

Daria:		Were her fingerprints on the gun?

Inspector Clouseau:	Well, no but...

Daria:		Don't you think that is a little odd?  Why would she
		leave fingerprints on the stun gun, but not the gun?
		For that matter, how could she leave the stun gun
		at the scene of the crime, but then KEEP the murder
		weapon in her suitcase?

Inspector Clouseau:	Criminals often make mistakes.

Daria:		Here's something else that's odd.  According
		to her arrest report from her first arrest, the police were
		called to the restaurant about a disturbance,  but 
		they arrived BEFORE the disturbance had started.
		So who called the police?  Don't you see this is all
		a frame up?

Inspector Clouseau:	All I can see is zhat you girls must be going.
		I have important police work to take care of.

Jane:		Fine (Daria & her get up and go out the door) guess
		we don't want to disturb his nap.

Daria:		Dammit!  Of all the police here, we had to get the
		biggest idiot of them all.

Jane:		What do we do now?  (a female cop approaches)

Female cop:	Hi, girls, my name's Sally Worth.  I think Ms. Barch
		was set up, too.

Daria:		Great.  Have you got anything for us.

Sally:		Well, he was insured up the ass.  Plus his wife is
		his sole benefactor.  Also, he had sued his boss
		a couple of times.

Jane:		So we have a couple of suspects, but not much in
		the way of evidence.

Sally:		Right.  (writes on a paper, gives it to Daria)  If you
		find anything out, call me.

Daria:		Thanks.

Daria and Jane walk away from the police station.

Daria:		Ok, here's my hypothesis.  Someone,
		either the current Mrs. Barch or
		his boss, wants to kill Mr. Barch. Somehow
		they learn that Ms. Barch is coming.  So
		they arrange for the little scene in the rest-
		raunt, and call the police so Ms. Barch gets
		arrested.  Then they kill him, and plant the
		gun.  That's our only hope of finding them.  
		Upchuck MUST have helped them get into
		the bus.  I never though I'd say this but...
		we've GOT to find Upchuck!

Jane:		But how?

Daria:		Get Mystik Spiral and the girls together.
		we'll have to check around at all the local hotels,
		motels, beds & breakfasts, whatever.  If Upchuck's
		alive, that's where he'll be.

We are treated to a montage sequence which shows Mystik Spiral, Jodie, Jane, Stacy, Andrea and Daria going from hotel to hotel with a picture of Upchuck, talking to the help.Lonesome Town as covered by The Cramps plays. Every 3 scenes is either Ms. Barch sitting in jail or Mr. O'Neill alone in his hotel room.

Scene 4. Two Hosers

Daria and Jane are approaching a Motel 8. Daria is wearing a leather jacket. They enter and find two bellboys. One is kind of overweight, the other is real skinny. They both wear flannel shirts, jackets and hats.

Daria:		Um..Excuse me.

Skinny Guy:	Good day, I'm Bob McKenzie this is my 
		brother Doug.

Doug:		How's it going, eh?

Bob:		We're, like the bussboys.

Daria:		OK...Have you seen this boy?  (holds
		up a picture of Upchuck)

Bob:		Hey, that's the guy...

Doug:		(Interrupts) Shut up you knob!  Madam, it
		is not the policy of our hotel to discuss
		our guests with outsiders.

Daria:		I can make it sweet for you...(to
		Jane)  Give them Something!

Jane:		But all I've got are these...(holds up a box
		of donuts)

Doug:		He's in room 8.  (Grabs the donuts, runs
		off)

Bob:		Hey you hoser!  Save some of those donuts
		for me, eh.

Daria:		Ok, We'll need Danny^17^ for this.

Jane:		How am I supposed to get Danny here?

Daria:		Use your feminine whiles on him.  You know
		how he feels about you.

Jane:		I hate you.

Daria:		Great, just get those phone calls made.

The bumper comes up, showing a spit screen of Ms. Barch in Jail/Mr. O'Neill in his room.

Commercial Break

Back to Jane's room again!

Jane:		Another public service announcement?

Daria:		Oh, yeah.(beat)  Mention 'Blossom' and
		I'll kill you.

Jane:		Wasn't even considering it.  Isn't today's
		episode of Daria a lot like an episode
		of Murder, She Wrote?

Daria:		So I'm Angela Lansbury now?

Jane:		Except you're not a serial killer.

Daria:		What?

Jane:		(conspiratorial tone) Angela Lansbury's character
		was a serial killer.  Think about it.  Everywhere
		she goes, someone gets murdered, then she
		conveniently solves to murder, framing an
		innocent person.^18^

Daria:		OK...But since this is a semi-serious episode,
		how about we do a semi-serious public service
		announcement?

Jane:		Fine by me.  What worthy cause are we supporting?

Daria:		(Looks at the camera) Imagine arriving at a hospital
		after a car accident, only to discover that they're out
		of blood.  Transfusions of blood save many lives every
		year, including premature babies.  Donating blood to
		your local blood bank takes almost no time, is good
		for your health, cost you no money and does NOT
		hurt.  Even the author, who is a well known pain
		wimp....

The Author:	(off screen) HEY!

Daria:		...gives blood on a somewhat regular basis.

Jane:		I think he just does it for the free T-shirts.

The Author:	(off screen) Watch it!

Daria:		So please go and donate blood if you're eligible
		to.  (Suddenly, from out of nowhere, the 
		Fashion Vampires^19^ jump out)

Sandi:		OR We'll come to your home....

Quinn:		And take it from you!

End of Commercial break

ACT III. Daria's clues.

Scene 1. Hotel.

Daria is standing outside of room 8 at the Motel 8. Suddenly, Jane, Jesse and Danny run up.

Jane:		Everyone else is on the way.

Daria:		Danny, can you open this door.

Danny:		(Look at it) Piece of cake!  (he
		works on the door for a minute)
		It's open!

Daria:		Ok, I'm going in.  Remember the 
		plan.

Jane:		Shouldn't we wait for backup, Kojak?

Daria:		There might not be time.

Daria opens the door and goes inside.

Scene 2. Hotel Room.

Daria is entering the room. We see from her view, what appears to be Upchuck's clothes (including red bikini underwear) laying on the floor. Camera pans to the bed. We see Upchuck is tied to the bed. Mercifully, someone has thrown a blanket over his midsection, so only his legs, shoulders, arms and head are visible. There is a ball gag in his mouth, and he is looking at the camera with terror in his eyes.

Daria:		Well, this is kinky.

Suddenly, we hear the door slam shut, and the dead bolt lock. Camera pans to show Jessica Barch at the door, holding a gun on Daria.

Jessica:	So, my nosy young friend you just 
		couldn't stay out of this, could you?

Daria:		I'm funny that way.  You had a
		perfect plan, though.  First you
		get the stun gun from Ms. Barch's
		purse, then you arrange to have
		dinner at the same place as her
		knowing your husband
		would cause a scene.  Of course
		your mistake was calling the cops
		before the scene began.  That was
		a dead giveaway.

Jessica:	I had to be sure they'd arrest her so
		they'd have her fingerprints on file.  Plus
		she'd be suspect number one.

Daria:		Then you shoot your husband, and pretend
		to be knocked out when the cops arrive.

Jessica:	It felt good killing that fat bastard.  I had
		the fling with him to get his money, then
		that bitch took all his money.  I had to
		stay married to that filthy animal for the
		last 5 years, while he built up enough
		money.  I had him heavily insured, because
		I kept expecting him to drop dead from a
		heart attack.  But he didn't.  I was at my
		ropes end, when I learned Janet was going
		to be in town.  It was perfect.  It would be
		easy to frame her for his murder.

Daria:		But you did need some help to get
		onto the bus to plant the gun, didn't you?

Jessica:	Of course.  Janet is right about one thing.
		All males are alike.  It was easy to
		get on the bus.  All I had to do was give him
		a key for this hotel room, and he let me on the bus.
		But when I arrived here, he tried to get frisky
		with me, so I told him I was into bondage.

Daria:		And that brings us to now.

Jessica:	Yes, it does.  I was planning on pushing his
		rental car off a cliff with him in it.  Now what
		am I going to do with you?

Daria:		Absolutely nothing.  May I?  (She indicates
		she wants to open her leather Jacket.  She
		opens it to reveal a small microphone) I'm
		wired Mrs. Barch.  The police now have your
		confession on tape.

Jessica:	Dammit!  (points the gun) Well, I've still got
		two hostages!  (suddenly there is a pounding
		on the door)

Voice:		(it's obviously Jesse) This is the police!  Open
		this door and give yourself up!

Jessica:	Shit!

Jessica turns toward the door for a second. The minute the gun is off of her, Daria rushes toward her. The camera closes in on Daria's hand. She twists her arm, and her stun gun pops into her hand. Jessica is turning back toward her as Daria reaches her. Daria thrusts the stun gun into Jessica's neck, and we here it go off. Jessica is knocked out, but she fires a shot over Daria's shoulder as she falls. Daria rushes to the door and opens it. We see Jesse, Danny, Jane and Sally Worth. Sally has her gun drawn. She rushes into the room.

Sally:		Geez Daria!  That was really risky!
		you could have been killed!  Oh my GOD!

The camera pans to show Upchuck. He has fainted, and we can see why. There is a bullet hole in the blanket that's covering him. The hole is right between his legs.

Daria:		Don't look at me, I'm not checking.

Jane:		You're the police officer.

Sally:		Crap.  (she walks over to the bed and lifts 
		the cover.  Her back is to the camera, so
		you can't see anything.  She lifts the blanket,
		then quickly recovers Upchuck)  A clean
		miss.

The scene fades, then comes back on. More cop cars are there. Upchuck is now fully dressed. He approaches Daria.

Upchuck:	(Sounds totally serious) Daria, I owe you my life.
		How can I repay you?

Daria:		You don't owe me anything, Upchuck.  I
		never should have taken that chance.  If
		that shot had been a little higher, you
		could have been killed.  (beat) or if it had
		been just a tiny bit higher, it would have
		destroyed the chance for future generations
		of Ruttheimer.

Jane:		You bastard!

Daria & Jane are joined by Trent, Kevin and Brittany. Trent is standing next to Upchuck, who is sitting on the curb in front of him. Kevin and Brittany are near them, and Daria is in front of them. The police bring Jessica Barch out of the hotel room in handcuffs.

Jessica:	I would have gotten away with it...

Jane:		Don't say it.

Jessica:	If it hadn't been for those meddling kids!^20^

Jane:		She said it.

The end credits begin. The Scooby Doo theme, as preformed by Matthew Sweet, plays, but only for a few seconds. Then the credits disappear. It's a FAKE credits, like the fake bumper in Speedtrapped!

However there's not much else to tell. The Lawndaleites get back to the bus and the tour is back on.

Scene 3. Later.

The camera opens on a wide shot of a cemetary. We see a car pull up. The reader might recognize it as Mr. O'Neill's car from Monster. Obviously it is many months later. Ms. Barch gets out of the car, dressed in black and wearing dark glasses. She approaches a grave. The ground is still heaped out, so we know this is a fresh grave. The inscription on the tombstone reads "Here Lies Thomas Barch". She places a single red rose on the grave, then returns to the car. A close-up of her face shows she's crying. The camera pans out to show the car pull away from the cemetary. The REAL credits begin. This time the music is I Hate Myself For Loving You by Joan Jett.

Makeovers: (Detective themed).

Mrs. Johansen as Perry Mason.

Mr. O'Neill as Remington Steele, with Ms. Barch as Laura Holt.

Daria & Jane as Batman & Robin.

Daria & Jane as Sherlock Holmes & Watson.

Mr. O'Neill & Mr. DeMartino as Simon & Simon.

Ms. Li as Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote.

<Finí>

Footnotes:

This theory comes from the original run of The Tick comic.
According to True North II, because of Canada's strict laws regarding 'juvenile' (meaning comic books) materials, people are sometimes asked if they have 'offensive' comics.
Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada was chosen because if you follow the route of the tour, this was the closest Canadian city. Plus they have a web site, so research was real easy.
This romantic moment is brought to you by: Peter W. Guerin, The official O'Neill/Barch shipper of the 2000 Summer Olympics.
'MF' is used repeatedly in the place of pronouns to conceal his/her sex.
I have no idea what "Joey's Only" Seafood restaurant is really like. All my info comes from Regina's web site.
Named after Jessica Fletcher, from Murder, She Wrote.
See above.
See footnotes 3 & 6.
Regina's biggest tourist draw!
A song by The Replacements.
No, they're not!
Is anyone else getting tired of this cliché? I've used it often enough!
Want to know why these 5 girls are together? Read Desperately Seeking Stacy or the next story in the series...
You might have gotten that impression from the episode The Big House.
From the Pink Panther movies.
Jesse's little brother. We learned about his crush on Jane in Excess.
THIS theory comes from DC comics Hellblazer.
From the halloween classic Daria: The Hunter. See it with a friend!
This is an inside joke. My first idea for a Scooby-Doo/Daria crossover involved Daria, Trent, Kevin, Brittany and Upchuck getting possesed by the ghosts of Velma, Shaggy, Fred, Daphne and Scooby-Doo (in that order). So this is kind of a visual gag, as all of them standing together, hearing the Scooby-Doo line, you can see the resemblance.

Author's notes:

Well, there you have yet another in the "Magical Mystik Spiral Tour" series. This one is MUCH heavier than what I normally do, so any feedback would SINCERELY be appreciated. Thank you and good night! Oh, and I promise the next few will be lighter, HONEST!