Welcome Back Daria

(Instead of the traditional Daria intro, you get the Senior Year series intro instead. The Music is Anti-Social as performed by Anthrax and the intro is Red Dwarf style, ie. it features scenes from the upcoming season (called teasers) actually, I stole the idea from Canadibrit, but DON'T TELL HER!)

• Daria, Jane, Nora, Andrea, Stacy and Cecily leaning against their lockers, looking like the 'Sweat Hogs' from Welcome Back Kotter.
  
  
• Daria and Sandi Griffin sitting together at the pizza parlor.
  
  
• Jake and Helen in a hospital. Jake is talking intensely to a Korean woman in a hospital bed.
  
  
• Daria, in a black dress, stepping out of a hearse.
  
  
• Daria flying out of the back of the Tank.
  
  
• Tricia Gupty being carried away by zombies.
  
  
• Daria wakes up, madeover, and in bed with Trent.
  
  
• Daria onstage with the rest of Anti-Teen. Camera zooms in on her face. She gets her "Mona Lisa" smile, then the logo surrounds her and the screen goes green.

Helen:

Girls, your father and I will be leaving now. I want you both back here tonight by 8. We have something important to tell you.

Quinn:

MAH-OM! I can't be home by 8! I've got a date!

Helen:

You will both be here at 8 or you'll both be grounded for the rest of the year! (She leaves, followed by a distracted looking Jake)

Daria:

Well that was rather brisk. Wonder what's wrong with them?

Quinn:

Maybe it has something to do with that letter daddy got yesterday. (Quinn pulls out an envelope and hands it to Daria) What language is that, anyway?

Daria:

I think it's Korean. What are you doing with this?

Quinn:

Well, I saw how daddy reacted when he got this letter, so naturally I was curious. Anyway, what does it say?

Daria:

Why would I be able to read Korean?

Quinn:

You're a brain! Besides, I've seen those foreign language tapes you have.

Daria:

Those are to learn the spoken language, Quinn. Besides, I haven't started on the Korean ones yet.

Quinn:

Whatever. You are going to be here tonight, aren't you? I don't want to be grounded because of you.

Daria:

I think I can manage to be home by 8. I don't want to be grounded either.

Quinn:

Great. And since we're helping each other, would you mind leaving a little early? Like right now? I have a new boyfriend who's picking me up and I'd rather he not know you live here. Plus I don't want him to see that thing you drive.

Daria:

Hmm. Normally, I'd assume the guy has a newer model sports car, but, being that this is the first school day of the year, I'd imagine he drives some kind of luxury car. Probably a Cadillac.

Quinn:

That's good Daria! It's good to know you're paying attention to important details for a change.

Daria:

Well, I guess I'll be headed over to Jane's then. But I'm only doing this because I haven't seen much of her since we got back from the tour.

Quinn:

What do you mean Daria? You've been out several times since we got back. If you weren't with Jane, then who were you with?

Daria:

(Daria waits until Quinn is taking a drink of OJ to answer) Oh, just this guy I'm dating. (Quinn does a spectacular spit take) Well, see you tonight at 8. (Daria leaves with a smirk on her face, before Quinn can fully recover)

Quinn:

Daria, WAIT! You need my help! (suddenly catches a glimpse of her face reflected in the window) Oh no! I've got to touch up my makeup before John gets here!

The scene switches to show Daria driving her '78 Chevy Nova down the road. A shiny new Caddy passes her. The camera pans to show the rear window, which has a 'Vulcan Science Academy' sticker on it. Daria smirks, realizing that Quinn's latest beau is John Takis. Quinn must not have done much research on him.

Daria:

Looks like Sandi wins this round. That's just too too bad.¹

Daria parks in front of the Lane house. As she approaches, Wind Lane exits, heading for a junky station wagon that is his vehicle.

Wind:

Oh, hi Daria. I'm off to my VCR shop.² Jane's not up yet, but Nora and Cecily are³. Try one of Cecily's blueberry muffins, they're GREAT! (He gets in his car and drives off)

Daria:

Thank you, Tony the Tiger. (Daria enters the Lane household and stops in surprise. The camera pans through the house, which is MUCH cleaner and neater than usual. Daria finds Cecily in the kitchen)

Cecily:

Oh, hey Daria. I don't think Jane is up yet, but Nora is upstairs. (beat) Do you think you could talk to her? She's kinda nervous about starting school here.

Daria:

Didn't you guys go to a normal high school back in Schuylkill Haven?

Cecily:

Yeah, but there we could be Amish. The big advantage of THAT, I'm learning, is never having to worry about your wardrobe.

Daria:

(thought voice) Maybe I should become Amish. (out loud) Ok, I'll talk to her. (Daria heads upstairs)

Cecily:

Thanks. (beat) Oh, and try some of these muffins!

Daria goes upstairs and sees Nora, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, looking into the mirror. She turns to Daria.

Nora:

Hi Daria. What do you think of this outfit?

Daria:

(Thought Voice) Someone is asking me for fashion advise. I have now officially entered the Twilight Zone. (out loud) It looks fine. What are you so worried about?

Nora:

Well, this is all new to me. I mean, I know it may seem strange to you, but I'm used to wearing basically the same outfit every day. I just want to fit in.

Daria:

Well, maybe you should talk to Stacy about that. She knows more about fashion than any of us. But the most important thing is to just be yourself. Wouldn't you rather have people like you for yourself, rather than how you dress?

Nora:

Thanks. I guess you're right. I'm going downstairs now. Have you had any of Cecily's muffins? They're really good!

Nora goes downstairs, and Jane comes out of her room.

Jane:

Hey Daria. What's going on?

Daria:

I have no idea. C'mon, let's have some muffins. Damn, now they've got me doing it!

Daria and Jane are in the front seat of the Nova. Nora and Cecily are in the back seat.

Jane:

So how'd you get Princess Grace off the ceiling after the 'rents told her about the impending bundle of joy?⁴

Daria:

I just told her that there was a difference between 'baby attention' and 'teenager attention', and that she would probably be able to weedle some guilt money out of Helen when she's feeling ignored. (beat) Plus I told her that 3^rd children are always boys.

Jane:

I bet your father would like that theory.

Daria:

Yup. Well, here we are at Lawndale High. Time for another year of joy.

We see Daria, Jane, Nora, Andrea, Stacy and Cecily leaning against their lockers, looking like the 'Sweat Hogs' from Welcome Back Kotter. The Welcome Back Kotter Theme as performed by Mr. Bungle plays in the background. We see a very nervous looking Rachel Landon walks by. She is carrying way too many books. She walks past them and around a corner. We see 4 mean looking kids hanging around these lockers. Two of them are those two guys who asked Quinn what they'd get in Too Cute. When Rachel walks by them, one of them sticks out a foot and trips her, sending her books flying everywhere. The 4 boys laugh cruelly. They crowd around her, making remarks. She looks scared and about to burst into tears. Suddenly, a mild voice is heard behind them.

Danny:

Why don't you guys leave her alone.

Mean guy 1:

What are you gonna do about it? There's four of us, and just one of you.

Danny:

(Danny casually lashes out with a leg, catching one of the guys in the family jewels. Said guy falls on the floor) Looks like there's only 3 of you. Care to try for 2?

The mean guys make a hasty exit. Danny helps Rachel to her feet, then they gather up all her books.

Rachel:

Thanks. Those guys were really scary.

Danny:

Yeah. (beat) I can't stand bullies. I'm Danny Moreno. (He offers her his hand)

Rachel:

Rachel Landon. (she takes his hand and shakes it, then reluctantly lets it go)

Danny:

You shouldn't try to carry so many books at once. What's your first class?

Rachel:

History.

Danny:

Cool. (beat) I'll walk you there. (The two freshmen walk off together)

Camera pans back to Daria and Jane.

Jane:

So what classes do we have together? I, um... guess I really haven't been around much since we got back...

Daria:

Don't worry about it. I'm sure poor Tommy-boy was beside himself without you. Anyhow, I found ways to amuse myself. Anyhow, unless you've enrolled yourself into the new 'honors program', I doubt that we have any classes together.

Jane:

Honors program? Don't tell me Helen and Jake actually attended a student/teacher meeting.

Daria:

Yeah. Pregnancy is leading them into parenting mode. Apparently this new teacher, Greta Shaw gave them the hard sell. You know, encourage intellectual expression, help realize a young girls potential. and of course... (Jane chimes in so they both say the next part together) looks good on a college resumé.

Jane:

So while you are off with the intelligentsia, I'll be wasting away with the mediocre. I can live with that.

Daria:

I don't know, I've heard that the new arts program is pretty impressive. They finally have devoted some serious money to the non-athletic activities and to the arts department.

Jane:

Yeah, I guess sleeping with the principal really can make a difference.⁵

Daria:

JANE! Aw, hell we'd better get to class.

They both dash off. Camera finds Daria sliding into the back of a classroom just as the bell rings. Jodie is also present. Daria sits behind Jodie, next to a familiar looking girl. This is the same girl who went through orientation with Daria. Daria recalls that the girl's name is Kara Mild. A severe looking woman stands at the desk at the front of the classroom. She is Greta Shaw, a tall, thin woman who looks to be in her 40s. She glares briefly at Daria, then goes into her opening speech.

Greta:

You students have been chosen for the honors program because you are the best students at Lawndale high.

Daria:

(providing color commentary) And that's really saying a lot.

Greta:

Now then, as honor students, you will be expected to adhere to a code of conduct above the common herd. You will all dress according to this handout.

She rapidly passes out a handout. Daria looks at it with distaste. The camera pans down the list, which includes, no t-shirts, no faded or ripped jeans, no tennis shoes, and no boots. Daria raises her hand.

Greta:

Yes Ms. Morgendorffer?

Daria:

I wasn't aware that Lawndale High had a dress code.

Greta:

This code is for the honor students, so that they'll stand out. Now, may I continue?

Daria:

(quietly) Oh there's a good idea. As if we don't have enough problems already.

Greta:

Now then, as the future leaders of the world, you have a responsibility to this institution. You must behave in a manner that is better than the typical student. You must be an example to the other students... (she continues to ramble on as the camera pans back to Daria)

Daria:

(more color commentary, 'Hitler-like voice') You are a superior race. You will invade Poland and the Soviet Union. You will floss 4 times a day.

Suddenly, Kara Mild, who can hear Daria's remarks, bursts out laughing. Greta glares at both of them.

Greta:

Daria, Kara in the hallway, please. (Daria and Kara go into the hallway, where an angry Greta joins them) Girls, while I understand that you are very intelligent, that alone is not enough to get you through life. You need discipline! Now Kara, you go to the principal's office. Daria I want you to go see the school psychologist. Depression is a curable disease, you know. (She returns to the classroom, slamming the door on the two girls. They look at each other warily, then start walking)

Daria:

Well this is another fine mess you've gotten us into.

Kara:

ME? It was your fault! You made me laugh!

Daria:

I was talking to myself. You were eavesdropping.⁶

Kara:

But what am I suppose to say to Mr. DeMartino? He scares me!

Daria:

Relax. Despite his gruff exterior, he's not such a bad guy. Just tell him what happened, he'll be fair.

Kara:

Do you think that dress code will stick?

Daria:

Nope. Don't you think Ms. Li would have instituted a dress code if she thought she could? Such codes have been successfully challenged legally in this state. (They reach the principal's office) Good luck. (Kara enters the principal's office. Daria continues on to the psychologist's office. She enters and sees a dark-haired woman working at a computer. A nameplate on her desk identifies her as 'Diane Small'. She gestures for Daria to take a seat) Ms. Shaw sent me here.

Diane:

Hmm... oh her. Pathological tendancy for manipulation and a need to dominate or control.

Daria:

A control freak.

Diane:

Precisely. Look, I've got about a million things to do here, so why don't you just find something to read until lunch. (Diane continues to work at her computer. Daria selects Silver Pigs by Lindsey Davis and settles in to read)

Typical Cafeteria scene. Daria and Jane at their normal table. Also with them is Nora, Cecily, Andrea and Stacy. Suddenly Lerman⁷ approaches the table.

Lerman:

Hey Daria. Are we on for tonight?

Daria:

No can do, Lyman.⁸ I've got some kind of parental meeting tonight, and I'm going to hang out with Jane after school.

Lerman:

Very well. until we meet again... (He leaves)

Jane:

Who's that?

Daria:

Oh, (sadistically waits for Jane to take a drink) that's just my new boyfriend.

Jane does a spectacular spit-take.

Jane:

GAH! You did that on purpose! DETAILS! I want details!

Daria:

Well, a few days after we got back, I was got bored with hanging around the house, not to mention the inherent dangers of that which include, but are not limited to, spending 'quality time' with my family, so I decided to go out. Naturally I went to the pizza place, and was enjoying my usual when...

~~ You are now entering the flashback, please keep your hands and arms inside the car at all times ~~

We see Daria sitting at a booth in the pizza place. Suddenly, Lerman enters and sees her. He approaches her.

Lerman:

Ah, Daria. The fates have once again brought us together. Might I join you?

Daria:

Ok, but give me a straight answer this time. Lerman, is that your first or last name?

Lerman:

Last. My first name is Lyman.⁹

Daria:

Lyman Lerman? You must have sadistic parents.

Lerman:

You don't know the half of it. My middle name is 'Luhrman'.

Daria:

Geez. So what are you doing in Lawndale?

Lerman:

We moved here...

fade back to the cafeteria.

~~~~ You are now leaving the flashback, please exit to the rear ~~~~

Daria:

...and we've been out a few times since then. No big deal really.

Jane:

Wow, that's big news though. What's the 'rents reaction?

Daria:

I haven't told them yet. I'm saving it for a special occasion. Anyhow, what do you want to do after school? I have to be back by 8 you know.

Jane:

I want to go down to Dega street and try to find a job. (sees the look Daria is giving her.) I know, but I want to get my own car. Anyhow I'm pretty sure I can find something non-'ya want fries with that' down there. Plus you can get your navel repierced.

Daria:

That's not gonna happen. So Andrea, Nora, Stacy, Cecily... you guys coming too?

Andrea:

Nah, we're all gonna go over to Stacy's house and be the new fashion club.

Stacy:

Gee Andrea, since you have such great ideas, maybe you should be president.

Andrea:

Oh I could never replace you Stacy.

DeMartino:

(Over the intercom) Well, students. Since this is the FIRST day of school, I have decided to CANCEL all afternoon classes.

There is loud cheering in the cafeteria.

Daria:

I wouldn't cheer just yet.

Jane:

Yeah, I don't trust that tone in his voice.

DeMartino:

Instead, you will all go to the gymnasium, where you will take the CoHillard-Fleshman standardized tests, which will DETERMINE wether you're qualified to be in the grade you are in. GOOD luck! (This news is greeted with loud groans)

Jane:

I knew that tone meant trouble. Well, back to freshman year, I suppose.

Daria:

Don't worry. Anyone with half a mind can pass these tests. (Camera pans to show the fashion club walk by) Which leaves them out.

Due to the extremely serious nature of this fanfic, it is being shown without commercial interruption. Well, except for this one... ah, hell!

Back to the show!

We see the familiar setting of Dega street. The Nova pulls up and carefully parallel parks. Jane and Daria get out and head for Axl's Piercing Parlor.

Daria:

So do you really want to work here?

Jane:

Yeah. It's art Daria! I'll be drawing the design on before Axl does the tattooing. I might even eventually learn how to do that as well.

Daria:

So when some 300 lb biker who wants a skull tattooed onto his right butt cheek comes in, you'll be ready for him?

Jane:

GAH! Thank you for that visual, Daria. Anyhow, lets go in. (They enter Axl's Piercing Parlor. Behind the counter we see a dark-haired girl who looks to be in her early twenties. She has purple glasses and is reading England's Dreaming : Anarchy, Sex Pistols, Punk Rock and Beyond by Jon Savage. She looks up as they enter and puts the book down) Hey Lynn, is Axl around?

Lynn:

'Es with a client right now. (She speaks with a British accent) Finally come to get that job, then?

Jane:

Yup. I even brought a friend along for moral support.

Lynn:

'ats nice! Oh, and if we're going to be working together, you can call me CB. Axl's really the only person who calls me Lynn.

Just then Axl emerges from the back, with what appears to be a 300 lb biker.

Axl:

(to the biker) You'll want to give it a few days to heal up before riding again. Ya may want to eat standing up too, but it'll be fine in a few days.

Jane looks at Daria in surprise. Daria merely smirks and shrugs. The biker leaves, and Axl turns to Jane.

Axl:

So, finally ready to take the job? (Jane nods) Good! We'll just go in the back and fill out the bloody paperwork, and you'll be all set. (Axl and Jane go into the back)

CB:

So, what's your name, then?

Daria:

Daria Morgendorffer. (attempting to make 'small talk', obviously uncomfortable with it) So, is this the job you always wanted?

CB:

I never really wanted to be a Tattoo apprentice...
Making appointments, handing out disinfectant
Bah... I wanted to be... a... a..... a lumberjack!!
Leaping from tree to tree as they float down
the river through British Columbia...
the mighty oak, The larch, The fir, the wrapping willow,
the tall red wood, the lofty Scot's pine...
The smell of fresh cut lumber,
The CRASH of mighty trees,
With my best guy at my side,
We'd sing, sing, SING:
o/~ Oh... I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok... ~/o

Daria:

Please don't sing. I find it extremely disturbing when people burst into song around me.

CB:

It happens to you a lot, eh?

Daria:

No. Besides, no one would believe the part about you wearing women's clothing.

CB:

You're a salty one. (Glances at her watch) Oh, it's time for my lunch break. Would you mind watching the counter while I'm gone? Thanks! (She leaves before Daria can protest)

Daria:

How do I get into these messes. Uh-oh.

Camera pans to show Monique and another 'goth chick' entering the store.

Monique:

Hey, I know you, you're Jane's little friend, Daria, Right?

Daria:

Yep, that's me, Jane's little friend.

OGC:

(Other Goth Chick) Daria Morgendorffer? Hey, you manage Mystik Spiral right?

Daria:

Well, I did. Actually, Trent set up most of the tour, I just worked out some of the minor details.

OGC:

Don't be so modest! I was talkin' to Nick just the other day, and he told me you'd managed to get them an extra 20 bucks for their gigs at The Zen. Would you consider managing The Harpies?

Daria:

Well, I'm going to be pretty busy with school and things, now. So I don't really think I'll have time.

Just at that moment, Axl and Jane come back out from the back.

Daria:

Well, I guess we'll be going now. CB's on her lunch break Axl. See you later, Monique...uh...

OGC:

It's Cheryl. With a 'y'. Here's our card.

Daria:

(takes the card, puts it away, exits with Jane) Is it possible to spell Cheryl without a 'y'?

Jane:

All things are possible. Oh, and you'd better not let Andrea see you taking to Monique. The two don't get along, you know.

Daria:

Really? Why not?

Jane:

Andrea tried out for the Harpies. She didn't get in because Monique voted against her.

Daria:

Well, I'm sure Andrea will let bygones be bygones. So, how often will you be assisting people in their self-mutilation ritual?

Jane:

Only occasionally. Axl will call me when he needs me, and I get paid by the job. It won't bring in too much money though, so I'll need something else, too. Let's go in here.

Camera pans to show what 'here' is. It is a small storefront that says Crazy Bob's World O' Comics.

Daria:

You can't be serious. I'm not going in there. It's a comic book store. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Jane:

We must be cautious. Anyhow, I was thinking of self-publishing a comic book. I just want to look around and see what attracts the typical comic book reader.

Daria:

That's easy. Girls with large breasts in skin tight costumes.

Jane:

Don't be so cynical Daria. (beat) oh, right, it's your nature. Never mind, let's go in.

They enter the store. It's not very big. There is a chair near the front door, in which Diane Small is sitting, reading The Curse of the Pharaoh by Elizabeth Peters. A heated discussion can be heard up at the front counter. The man behind the counter is slightly overweight, and wearing a 'Watchmen' T-shirt. To Daria's surprise, the person with whom he is arguing is CB!

Diane:

Oh hello again Daria. What brings you here?

Daria:

My job-hunting friend. What are you doing here?

Diane:

It's a good place to observe the human condition. besides, the proprietor is my little brother.¹⁰

The camera pans to show 'Crazy Bob' and CB at the front counter. They are still arguing.

CB:

I'm going to explain this to you one last time. The Sex Pistols invented punk.

Crazy Bob:

(or 'Crazy' for short, just don't call him CB, 'cause that'd be confusing. And lord knows, we don't want that!) HAH! Next you'll be telling me that the Beatles invented rock and roll. Ever hear of a little band called the Ramones?

CB:

Well, maybe they didn't invent it, but they did revolutionize it. Anyway, all those American punk bands were a bunch of sell outs!

Crazy:

Excuse me? Did I miss the "sell-out" (he does that annoying 'makes quotations with his fingers' thing when he says 'sell-out') of the Ramones? You're telling me that the Dead Kennedys sold out? Perhaps you missed the Sex Pistols reunion tour? You want to talk about selling out...

CB:

Look, all I'm saying is that England has contributed enormously to the musical industry.

Crazy:

Yes, such wonderful contributions as The Spice Girls.

CB:

(Looks pissed (in the American sense)) Alright, that's it. Just give me my bloody magazines before I kill you, OK?

Crazy:

My pleasure, Ms. Garofalo.

CB:

What did you call me?

Crazy:

Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that you resemble Janeane Garofalo so much...

CB:

(Grabs Crazy by his shirt, pulls him down to the counter) I am NOT Janeane Garofalo. GOT IT?

Crazy:

If you say so. Perhaps you should start a web site called 'I am NOT Janeane Garofalo'.

CB:

No, that would be dumb. Here's your money. (She grabs her magazines, throws some money on the counter and stalks off. She stops near Daria, Jane and Diane.) Di, one of these days your brother is going to push me to far, and then...

Diane:

Oh, CB you wouldn't kill him.

Jane:

Maybe just maim him a little?

CB:

I like the way you think, Jane. I've got to get back to work. See you later, Smoochy. (she exits)

Daria:

(and Jane, in one voice) Smoochy?

Diane:

It's just a silly little nickname I have. Please don't mention it at school, I have a professional reputation to uphold there.

Daria:

You do?

Diane:

Yes! Say don't you think that CB and my brother would make a cute couple?

Daria:

Let me think about it. NO.

(Jane, who has been wondering around the shop, now returns)

Jane:

Well, you were right, Daria. I guess Melody Powers is gonna have to be well endowed.

Daria:

Melody... Wait a second... you don't expect me to write this, do you?

Jane:

It'd be a little to late for me to deny it now. Come on Daria. I've already invested in some art software, all you have do to is script it.

Diane:

My brother will let you display them here on consignment. If they sell, you'll get 80 percent, and he'll keep 20 percent. It's not a bad deal.

Daria:

Ok, but if Melody bears even the slightest resemblance to me, I'll burry the comics next to your body.

Jane:

That's fair. Say, it's almost 8, you're going to be late.

Daria:

Nah, I've got 15 minutes. That's plenty of time, with the new shortcut I've found. Let's go.

Jane:

EEP!

We see the Nova streak away, then the scene fades out.

We see the Nibblett household.¹¹ Suddenly, a black '78 Pontiac Firebird pull up. In place of the normal 'Firebird' painting on the hood, there is a garnish grim reaper. The car screeches to a stop, and Andrea, Nora, Stacy and Cecily get out. (It is Andrea's car, of course!) Camera pans to show Ted DeWitt-Clinton and his parents working with their crops. Cecily looks over.

Stacy:

Anyhow, since my mom will undoubtedly be out all afternoon, after we look at 'fashions' we can watch movies.

Nora:

That sounds fun. (Andrea and Stacy head inside, Cecily is looking over the fence at the DeWitt-Clintons. Nora approaches her) Are you coming, Cecily?

Cecily:

You go ahead. I want to talk to them.

Andrea, Stacy and Nora go up to Stacy's room. Andrea looks out the window and spots Cecily talking to the DeWitt-Clintons.

Andrea:

Huh. She's talking to them alright. What's up with your friend, Nora?

Nora:

Well, you have to understand that her reasons for leaving the Amish community were different then mine. I left because I wanted to have modern conveniences. She left because she wanted to farm instead of doing housework. (glances out window) She'll probably get along well with those people.

Camera pans to show the DeWitt-Clintons and Cecily. A montage begins, with Cornfed Dames by The Cramps plays in the background. Said montage includes, but is not limited to, the following scenes:

• Cecily walking through the cornfield with the DeWitt-Clintons, she is pointing to stuff, and obviously lecturing them on what they've done wrong. They look annoyed at first, but then interested.
  
  
• Cecily and Ted digging new irrigation tunnels for the bean patch. Ted's parents look on with approval.
  
  
• The DeWitt-Clintons and Cecily weeding through another section of garden. Ted and Cecily seem to be talking.
  
  
• Much later, as it begins to get dark, Andrea and Nora come out of Stacy's house. Cecily sees them and runs to join them.

Ted:

I'll see you in school Cecily.

Cecily:

Ok.

Ted:

And...uh... maybe we could go out sometime?

Ms. DeWitt-Clinton:

And maybe we could meet your parents?

Cecily:

Uh, I don't think that would be a good idea, Ms. DeWitt-Clinton. My parents wouldn't approve of your hedonistic lifestyle. You know, electricity and all. But thanks anyway!

Cecily leaves a somewhat stunned looking DeWitt-Clinton family, gets into Andrea's car with Nora, and they speed off. The bumper comes up, scrolling these three scenes: Jane's reaction to the 300 lb biker, Daria with Monique and Cheryl, and Cecily and Ted.

Remember what I said before? No commercials! Because of the serious nature, and not just 'cause I couldn't think of any...

Back to the show!

We are treated to an exterior view of the Morgendorffer homestead. Only Daria's Nova is parked outside. Camera moves in to show Daria and Quinn in the living room. You'll never guess which show is just coming on...

TV:

They tried to update an old cartoon by crossing it with a popular Japanese one...

Popeye:

Fer spinach ands hittingsk people, I yam da purty sailor-suited sailor, Popeye da Sailor Moon! [Toot-toot!]¹²

Announcer:

Is anime taking over? On the NEXT: Sick, Sad world!

Daria:

(shuts the tv off) Typical. They order us to be home by 8, and they aren't here.

Quinn:

They called and said they'd be late. Not that it matters. My life is over!

Daria:

Why is your life over now?

Quinn:

Mr. DeMartino called the fashion club into his office today. He said that, due to our history of poor academics, the club is suspended until the results of the tests come back.

Daria:

Then once the results come back, you'll all be sent back to elementary school anyhow, so it won't really matter.

Quinn:

It's not funny Daria! Some stupid test is going to ruin the rest of my life! Why should I be punished just for not being a brain?

Daria:

Well, although you may not have realized it yet, the whole purpose of High School is actually to educate you, not to teach you how to dress and act. Anyway, when Mom sees you've failed the test, she'll get you a tutor, and you can retake the test. You'll just have to actually study for a change.

Quinn:

I can't do that! What would my friends say?

Daria:

Since they'll be in the same boat, I doubt they'll have much to say. Besides, do you really want to be the oldest junior ever?

Quinn:

I suppose not. Oh, here comes mom and dad. Lecture time...

Daria:

Yeah, I wonder what this is all about, anyhow?

Daria and Quinn are sitting at the kitchen table. Helen and Jake face them. Jake is wearing his cooking apron, Helen is dressed as usual. They both look quite serious.

Helen:

Girls, your father and I have some serious news for you. Several days ago, your father received a letter from a lady in Korea, who was claiming to be his half sister.

Jake:

(angrily) Lousy bastard. Always bragging about how he was defending democracy, and he was SCREWING around on Mom!

Helen:

Focus Jake. Anyhow girls, we've just gotten the results from the hospital, and it turns out that this woman's claim is true. As such, your father and I will be going to Korea to see her. It seems that she is very ill, and may be dying.

Daria:

Will it be safe for you to travel in your... condition?¹³

Helen:

Perfectly. Now since you girls will still be in school while we go, we'll have to determine who will watch you.

Quinn:

Gahd mom. Daria and I are both responsible young adults. We don't need a baby sitter for crying out loud.

Helen:

I realize that, I just think it would be nice to have someone here in case of emergency. I'm trying to get one of your aunts to do it.

At that moment, the doorbell rings. Without a single 'Who could that be?', Daria goes to the door and opens it, revealing Marianne, who is heavily weight down by files and papers. Daria grabs several of them off her, and they both go inside.

Marianne:

Thank you...uh.. Daria. (heaves a sigh) Here's everything you requested, Helen.

Helen:

Thank you, Marianne. Would you care to join us for dinner?

Marianne:

(Thought voice) Oh, sure, like I don't see enough of you already. Browny points, Marianne. She's moving up in the firm. (out loud) Why thank you Helen. I'd love to. (She sits) So Helen, are you going to be taking time off to raise this new baby? (Thought voice) I hope. Maybe the next boss won't be such a work-a-holic.

Helen:

No, I'll be back to work soon after the birth. (Marianne looks disappointed) The girls will help out, of course (Daria and Quinn look appalled by this news) but we'll probably hire a nanny.

Jake:

Here's the food. It's something new! Italian Surprise!

Jake places a giant pot full of some tomato swirled, vaguely pasta-like stuff. The scene fades out.

We see CB exiting Axl's Piercing Parlor. As she locks the door, a breeze blows against her. She looks around, then begins to skip away, singing a cheerful tune.¹⁴

CB:

(singing)A tattooing apprentice
is a fine thing to be
no no-one is lucky
as lucky as me

Suddenly, Diane Small drops from the sky. She holds a large umbrella, and crashes down on CB.

CB:

Well bless my soul! If it isn't Smoochy Poppins!

Diane:

Hello, Brit! The Morgendorffer's need a nanny, so here I am. (She looks around) Uh, I don't suppose you know where their house is? I seem to have been blown off course.

CB:

Why I can put you right on their front steps, faster than you can say 'Bob's your Uncle'! Just come with me.

Diane:

Very good, Brit. And shall we have a cheery song to take us along? How about 'A Spoonful of Sugar'?

CB:

No, how about this instead:

CB:

(singing)Some things in life are bad.

Diane:

(singing)They can really make you mad.

CB:

(singing)Other things just make you swear and curse.

Diane:

(singing)When you're chewing on life's gristle

CB:

(singing)Don't Grumble, give a whistle!

Diane:

(singing)And this'll help things turn out for the best.... AND

Both:

(singing)Always look on the bright side of life...¹⁵

They continue to sing and skip until they arrive at the Morgendorffers. Diane goes in, while CB stays outside and looks at her watch.

CB:

5....4....3....2..

Diane:

(her voice comes from inside the Morgendorffer house.) CHANGE DIAPERS!? EWW! (She runs out the front door, whips her umbrella open and flies off.) See you later, Brit!

CB watches her ascend, then begins to skip away, singing.

CB:

(singing)Chim, chiminy, Chim chiminy Chim chim charoo
A tattoo apprentice is as lucky as you
Chim, chiminy, Chim chiminy Chim chim charay
a certain fanfic writer will rue this day!

Suddenly we see Daria sit up in bed

Daria:

Musicals. Why does it always have to be musicals?

---

We see Quinn ascending the steps. She opens the door to her room, to see that it has been totally redecorated for the baby, and there is a big crib instead of her bed. Helen comes up behind her.

Helen:

Doesn't it look great?

Quinn:

Mah-OM, why couldn't you have used the guest bedroom?

Helen:

Because that's where the nanny is sleeping.

The Nanny:

(It's Fran Drescher, in her annoying voice) I just know we're gonna be great friends, Quinn.

Helen:

You can have Daria's old room.

Quinn is shoved into Daria's room. As she hits the floor, the camera pans back to show that she's now in a straight jacket. Suddenly she wakes up, in her own bed.

---

Helen's office. Marianne is at her desk, overloaded with work as usual. Suddenly Helen comes in, carrying a baby.

Helen:

Big court date, Marianne. Watch the baby for me, will you? Thanks!

Marianne:

Wait! Does it need fed? Where are the bottles?

Helen:

Don't be ridiculous Marianne! I'm a modern mother. You'll have to breast feed! (Helen leaves)

Marianne:

EEP! (looks at the baby in terror, the baby opens it's mouth wide...)

Suddenly, Marianne wakes up in her own bed.

Marianne:

I am not breastfeeding her baby! No freakin' way!

---

Helen's office. Helen is pacing, looking pissed as usual. Suddenly Eric comes in.

Eric:

Helen, you've been doing some great work for the firm. In fact, we were about ready make you a partner.

Helen:

That's great... but what do you mean were about to?

Eric:

Well, you're pregnant Helen. I'm afraid you won't be able to perform as well when you're a full time mother. Sorry.

Eric leaves, and Helen screams. Then she wakes up. She looks over at Jake, who is still asleep and has a big grin on his face.

Helen:

JAKE! What the hell was in that Italian surprise? JAKE!

---

The next morning, we see the Morgendorffer clan gathered around the table. Everyone looks like they didn't sleep to well, except for Jake, who is all enthusiastic.

Jake:

I had the best dream last night. (Notices that everyone is glaring at him, sits down and continues a bit more subdued) I was taking my son to a ballgame, and we were bonding. I was giving him everything my father never gave to me!

Helen:

That's nice dear. Daria, what will you be doing after school today? (the camera pans back to show both Jake and Helen, who, by amazing coincidence, both choose this moment to take a big drink of coffee)

Daria:

(with a smirk) Oh, I have a date.

Helen and Jake both do spectacular spit takes. Then the end credits begin. Be Cruel to Your School by Twisted Sister plays.

Makeovers: (Saturday Morning Cartoon Themed).

Jake as Popeye, with Helen as Olive Oyl. Eric is Bluto, and Wind Lane is Wimpy.

Daria as Bugs Bunny, arguing with Jane as Daffy Duck.

The Fashion Club as Josie and the Pussycats.

CB as 'Interplanet Janet' from Schoolhouse Rock.

Upchuck as Dennis the Menace.

1. John Takis, fanfic writer and published Star Trek writer, actually asked to be included in some of my fanfics. My guess is that he's regretting it 'round about now. back
   
   
2. Wind was revealed to have taken training for VCR repair in Return to Lawndale. back
   
   
3. Nora is Jane's Amish cousin and Cecily is her friend. They left the Amish community and came to Lawndale in A Bridge Over Lawndale. back
   
   
4. We found out that Helen was knocked up in Return to Lawndale. Quinn's reaction was also in that, and in the immortal Depth Takes a Holiday episode. back
   
   
5. Mr. DeMartino became principal, and it was revealed that he and Ms. Defoe were an 'item' in A Bridge Over Lawndale. back
   
   
6. Dialog stolen from the classic children's book I Want To Go Home by Gordon Korman. back
   
   
7. 'Lerman' of I Don't fame, moved to Lawndale in A Bridge Over Lawndale. Guess you should'a read that one first, huh? back
   
   
8. 'Lerman's' first name of 'Lyman' was also revealed in A Bridge Over Lawndale, and will undoubtedly be explained in greater detail later on. back
   
   
9. SEE? I told you it'd be explained! back
   
   
10. Self-insertion character...or another Simpsons character theft? You be the judge! back
    
    
11. Stacy moved back in with her mom, who's taken back her maiden name, which is Nibblett, in A Bridge Over Lawndale Man, without that fic, these footnotes would be really short! back
    
    
12. Thanks to Guy Payne for posting this on a public message board, thus making it fair game for outright theft. back
    
    
13. She's preggers, remember? Sheesh, I just told ya that! back
    
    
14. Why, yes, my life insurance IS paid up. Why do you ask? back
    
    
15. Monty Python probably owns the rights to this, as well as the lumberjack song. They might not sue me, but they could have me sacked or something... back

Well, some people wanted to see what happened in the aftermath of the Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series. This is the beginning of that series, which will end with Daria graduating. Hope you've enjoyed this foolishness! My apologies go out to Kara Wild, Diane Long, Canadibrit (please don't kill me) and, of course, Robbie. Poor, Poor Robbie.

- Crazy Nutso