Return To Lawndale

• Jane carrying an unconscious Jodie over her shoulder.
• The fashion club is in the bus bathroom, doing their grooming rituals, outside the door, a line is beginning to form.
• Jane, Daria, and Jodie standing back-to-back-to-back in fighter's stance, they appear to be in a bar, and judging by all the broken furniture/people laying on the floor, you might assume they're in a bar fight.
• The fashion club is STILL at it, and outside we see the line has grown longer, and the people in it look more impatient.
• A shot of a cemetary, the camera moves in on 1 particular tombstone. The ground is still heaped out, so we know this is a fresh grave. The inscription on the tombstone reads "Here Lies Thomas Barch". Their is a single red rose laying on top of the grave.
• The line outside the bathroom is now HUGE. Ms. Li pushes to the front, opens the door with a key, and pulls the fashion club out. Pan to the front of the bus, where Daria has just come down the steps. She gets her "Mona Lisa" smile, then the logo surrounds her and the screen goes blue.

Otto:		I don't know, man.  Every other tour bus driver told me to avoid this 
		route.

	The camera pans to show a road sign...'Now entering Hazard County'

Ms. Li:		Nonsense!  This is the quickest route...

	We suddenly hear sirens, then the camera pans to show two police cars behind
	the bus.  The bus pulls over.  One cop gets out of each car, and walk up to the
	bus.

Sheriff:	FREEZE!  Just FREEZE right there.  

	The other cop comes into the bus, and looks into the back.

Deputy:		Hey, they ain't Merle Haggard.  Boss Hogg ain't gonna like, this, Roscoe.

Roscoe:		Shut up Enos, you dipstick.  (addresses Otto) OK, hippy, where's Merle
		Haggard?

Otto:		Dude, this is not the Merle Haggard tour bus, it's the Magical
		Mystik Spiral tour bus.

Roscoe:		Well, I guess you'll have to do.  If you want to get out of this ticket,
		they'll have to perform at the Boar's Nest.

	Suddenly, we see Daria and Jane screech to a stop next to the bus.  Jane climbs 
	halfway out of the window and flips Sheriff Roscoe P Coltrane the bird.  Then Daria 
	hits the horn, which plays the first few bars of Dixie, and they speed off.

Roscoe:		Come on, Enos!  We're gonna Cuff 'em...and Stuff em.. GUH GUH GUH!

	The cops get back in their cars and take off after the Nova.

Otto:		Should we wait?

Ms. Li:		Of course not!  Get us the hell out of here!

	The bus pulls away.  The camera pans to a wide view of the car chase.  In the 
	background, Country Music great Waylon Jennings sings:

		Just two good ol' girls,
		never meanin' no harm.
		Beats all you ever saw
		been in trouble with the law
		since the day they was born.

		Flattening the hills,
		straightening the curves,
		someday the mountain might get them
		but the law never will.

		Fightin' the system like a two modern
		day Robin Hoods...

	At this point, Daria and Jane make an impossible looking jump over a creek in the
	Nova, and both of them yell YEE HAW! as they fly through the air.  Then
	the cop cars try the same jump, and of course end up in the creek.  Suddenly the 
	scene changes to a bed in a hotel somewhere near Richmond, VA.  Daria pops up,
	having woken from a dream...

Daria:		GAH!  We have GOT to get out of the south.  It's poisoning my mind.

Jane:		Or at least we've got to stop watching reruns on TNN.^2^

Daria:		So, how did the last show of Lawndale! go?

Jodie:		Not too bad.  Only 10 people asked for their money back.

Mack:		Yeah, and Kevin actually remember 2 or 3 of his lines.

Jane:		In the right places?

Mack:		Well, no, you can't expect perfection...

Daria:		Or even competence...

Jodie:		So, Daria, what are you going to do with the 'Hooser Bells' bus?^3^

Daria:		I have no idea.  If we had a driver I'd take it back to Lawndale...

Jane:		Yeah, then the Morgendorffers would paint it up and hit the road as musicians!

	We see the Morgendorffers on stage, done up like the Partridge Family, with Helen as 
	the mom, Jake as David Cassidy, Daria on keyboards, and Quinn playing base...  We hear
	Daria's flat voice singing 'Come on, get happy...' with no trace of emotions, 
	then it fades out... 

Daria:		Ah, No.  But it would make a good tour bus for next year....  Assuming 
		I'm foolish enough to do this again...

Jodie:		Well, Mack has a commercial licence.

Jane:		Really?

Mack:		Yeah, my dad runs a construction company, and he sometimes asks me to move
		trucks for him...

Daria:		Would you be willing to drive it back to Lawndale?  I must warn you you'd be 
		cooped up with Mystik Spiral for several hours...  They are eager to 
		get away from Ms. Li & Ms. Barch.

Mack:		So am I.  As well as Kevin, Brittany...

Jodie:		The fashion club, Upchuck...

Jane:		Then it's settled!  And I'll ride with Daria in her wreck, 'cause I like to 
		live life on the edge.

Daria:		You're on the edge now.

Jane:		So are you ready for an excellent adventure.

Daria:		No more adventures, Jane.  Since you drive like my
		grandmother, I'll catch some shuteye.  (she rolls on her side
		and goes to sleep)

Jane:		Well, fine, I'll just entertain myself then...(She puts in a tape,
		and Green Fuz by The Cramps begins to play)

You're as stiff as my smokin' barrel
You're as dead as a desert night.
You're a notch, and I'm a legend.
You're at peace, and I must hide.
I'm a killer, I'm a clown,
I'm a priestess, gone to town...

Daria:		Well, you're going to be a dead priestess if you don't
		knock it off.

Jane:		Ah sleeping beauty has awakened...(Suddenly Jane's face shows
		astonishment.  She suddenly whips the car over 2 lanes and onto an
		exit.  We see a road sign that says 'Schuylkill Haven'.)

Daria:		GAH!  What the hell are you doing?

Jane:		Trying out driving like you?  Seriously, I'm getting tired.  I think we
		should find a motel.  Before it gets too late.  

Daria:		OK...  But why here?

Jane:		(trying to sound innocent, failing) No reason...

Daria:		Whatever...There's a motel.  Probably the ONLY motel in this little town.

Jane:		Great!  (She pulls in to the parking lot.  It is a typical motel, not unlike 
		the ones they've been staying in) I'll check us in. (Jane parks well away
		from the office, and walks in.  A bored looking guy sits behind the desk)
		HI!  I'd like to rent a room....

Guy:		For the whole night?  Or just for the hour?

Jane:		Whole night please.

Guy:		$34.50, cash in advance.

Jane:		(pulls out wallet) here.

Guy:		Fine.  Here's key.  (hands her a key) be out by 10:00 am or we charge ya
		for another day.  (goes back to watching tv)

Jane:		OK.  (as she turns around, she sees a rack of pamphlets.  She picks one up
		it is titled Schuylkill Haven, the Gem of Small Cities.^4^
		she looks at it, then puts it into her pocket)

	We see Jane walk back to the the room, then she goes inside.  Daria follows her.
	We see them both in bed, and Daria shuts off the lights.

Daria:		So are you going to tell me what this is about?

Jane:		Tomorrow, Daria, Tomorrow.

Daria:		(singing)Tomorrow, Tomorrow, She'll tell me tomorrow.( We hear
		the sound of a pillow hitting Daria in the face)

Daria:		So let me get this straight...your mom is from
		Schuylkill Haven?

Jane:		Right.

Daria:		And we're here because?

Jane:		I want to find out about mom's background.  She never
		talks about it.  No one in the family has ever met any
		of her relatives.  I just want to find out where she came from.

Daria:		Ah.  So you're saying that you're nosy.

Jane:		(smirks) Exactly!  (They enter the small town courthouse.  Looking
		around, they see a room that has a sign that says 'Hall of Records'
		they enter.  There is an old lady behind a desk, knitting.  As the 
		girls enter, she gestures for them to sit down, and she sets aside
		her knitting.)  Oh hi.  I'm looking for information about my mother.
		She grew up here.  Her maiden name was 'Denlinger'.

Old lady:	Denlinger!  Oh, my!  You're Amanda's little girl?  My goodness!

Jane:		You knew my Mother?

Old Lady:	Oh yes!  It was QUITE a story...all those years ago...

Amanda:		here comes someone.

Younger Amish Woman (YAW):	It's those hippy kids who are camping near your father's
		woods.

Older Amish Woman (OAM):	I don't approve of them.  You youngsters musn't talk
		to them.  (she gestures to YAW and Amanda, who reluctantly go behind the
		stand.)

	We see a painted up VW van pull up.  Two 'hippies' get out.  A close-up reveals
	one of them to be none other than....Vincent Lane!^5^  They approach the
	quilt stand.  We see the stern looking OAM behind the counter...and Amanda and
	YAW peeking from behind the stand.

OAM:		(not exactly brimming with sincerity) Good day to you.  Are you interested
		in buying a quilt?

Vincent:	What do you think Moonchild?

Moonchild:	They look pretty warm.  Hey, check out the pottery!

YAW:		Amanda!  They like your POTS!

Amanda:		Quiet Nora!  You'll get us in trouble!

	Vincent looks up at the sound of their voices...and he and Amanda lock eyes.  
	cue romantic music, we can see that it's one of those 'love at first sight' 
	kind of things.

Old Lady's Voice:	(narrating) Theirs was a forbidden romance.  She would sneak away to 
		see him throughout the rest of the year.  Then in the fall, her father 
		found out, and ordered the hippies off his property.  So they left.  And 
		Amanda went with them.

Jane:		So can you tell me where the Denlinger farm is?

	We see the old lady writting down directions.  She hands the paper to Jane.

Jane:		Thanks.  For everything.

Old Lady:	No problem, dear.  I always wondered what happened to Amanda.

	Daria and Jane leave.  We see them get into the Nova, with Jane behind the wheel.

Daria:		Are you sure you want to do this?

Jane:		Absolutely.  I think.  Oh, hell I could use a quilt anyway.

Daria:		That's the spirit.

	Daria and Jane drive into the country.  They pull into a clearing near a quilt stand.
	They get out and start walking toward the stand.  Meanwhile, one of the Amish
	women in the stand looks up and sees them.  She gets an alarmed look on her
	face.  Then she grabs one of the other women and whispers to her.  This woman
	looks up, gets an odd look on her face, then races off.  Daria and Jane reach the
	stand and start looking at the quilts.  Amish Paradise by "Weird" Al Yankovic 
	plays in the background.

Jane:		Hey, check this one out.  (Jane holds up an oddly colored quilt.  It's made 
		from multiple colored pieces of cloth, and it's woven together with a 
		psychedelic effect.  She picks it up and talks to the lady behind the 
		counter.) How much for this one?

Lady:		Hmm.  An interesting choice... (as she talks, we see a large group of Amish 
		come toward the stand, along with the other Amish woman who left earlier.  
		They surround Daria and Jane and they are all staring at Jane.)

Jane:		Do you take credit cards...(notices all the Amish staring at her.)  Heh, just 
		kidding...

Daria:		Umm.  Is there a problem here?

female voice:	(from off-screen) Maybe I can explain it to you....(she walks into view...she 
		looks almost exactly like Jane, and she's dressed in Amish garb).  My 
		name is Nora.

Jane:		That was... you're my cousin?

Nora:		Yes, I was named after my mother.

	Daria and Jane are led to a typical Amish home, where they are greeted by Jane's
	grandparents, Joshua and Abigail Denlinger.  Jane looks at them for a few moments,
	then Abigail sweeps her in for a hug.

Abigail:	It's so nice to finally meet one of my granddaughters.  I don't approve
		of what Amanda did, or of her lifestyle, but she's still family.  You 
		tell her she's welcome to come home anytime she wants...

Jane:		(to herself) I have told her that.  (to Abigail) I will, grandma.

• Daria and Jane at a supper table with a bunch of Amish, passing food around, eating, etc.
• Daria and Jane in Nora's room. Nora is showing some of her paintings, which are a lot like some of Jane's...
• Daria and Jane looking at horses. They pet the horses (girls are suckers for horses) but then they both look down in disgust, they've stepped in something 'icky'.
• Daria and Jane lugging a few quilts, and a box full of fresh veggies (most noticeably, some big, ripe tomatoes) to the car. They load everything up, say their goodbyes, and drive away.
• A crowd of Amish watch them leave. The crowd thins out, until only Nora is still standing there. It is then much later and Nora is still looking the way they went, with a sad look on her face.

Jane:		You know, we haven't bought any cheesy souvenirs this whole trip.

Daria:		Gee, do you think a gas station would sell cheesy souvenirs?

Daria:		It's 109 miles to Lawndale, we got a full tank of gas, half a
		bottle of Yahoo, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jane:		Hit it!

Daria:		Well, here we go with what will be, I hope to God,
		our LAST public service announcement.

Jane:		And we've promised NOT to mention Canadibrit...OOPS!

Daria:		Oh, now you've done it.

Jane:		What's she gonna do?  Fly to Pittsburgh and kick Crazy Nutso's ass?  
		Anyway, what does the future hold?

Daria:		A sequel to Daria:  The Hunter.

Jane:		Didn't everyone get killed in that one?

Daria:		No, you just got fleas.

Jane:		Crap!  What else?  Not another Shipper Wars story?

Daria:		Possibly, but worse yet, he's doing a 'behind to scenes' story plus a
		'Special Edition' with a few measly scenes added in...

Jane:		A 'Special Edition'?  Who'd waste time on that?

Daria:		Anyhow, besides that Crazy plans to take it easy, enjoy season
		4, then maybe start writing in this continuity again...

Jane:		I can hardly wait.  Oh, and you have to answer this letter...

Daria:		Little...oh, no Diane Long writes...
		I can't read this!

Jane:		(snatches letter away) So she claims that Crazy promised her a love
		scene between you and Trent...(Notices Daria turning red) Did you really
		promise her that, Crazy.

Crazy:		(offscreen) NO!  I told her they'd sleep together.  In Daria's Christmas
		Folly.  And they DID!

Jane:		I think she wanted something else.  Trent, could you come in her for a minute?

Daria:		(sitting on the bed) Dam you Diane Long!  Dam you to hell!

Trent:		Yes Janey?

Jane:		(big smirk on her face) Diane wants a romantic scene...

Trent:		Ok.  (He sits on the bed with Daria.  They start to kiss, then make out, 
		he rolls on top of her and...)

Daria:		He's fallen asleep.  Um, Jane, a little help here please...JANE!  Get this 
		crazy thing off me!  Jane!

Daria:		Should I ask what that thing is?

Jane:		It's a veggie bazooka.  I'd hate to see all these veggies go to
		waste.  (She places several tomatoes in the tube, and pulls one
		of the rods back, attaching it to a latch at the back of the tube).

Daria:		Now all we need is a target... (the camera pans to up ahead, where
		we see a sign that says 'Welcome To Lawndale'.)

Jane:		Perfect.  Slow down a little.  (she leans out the passenger side
		window.  She puts the plastic tube on her shoulder and points
		it at the sign.  She pulls the trigger, and we hear a <thwang>,
		then we see the 'maters fly out of the tube.  The camera pans to
		show the 'maters <THUNK> into the sign.)  Well that was
		fun.

Daria:		Be it ever so humble...(she pulls into the Morgendorffer driveway,
		we see Helen's SUV, but Jake's Lexus is gone.) there's no place like
		hell.

Jane:		(as they get out of the car) you mean home.

Daria:		That's what I said.  (they walk into the house) Make yourself at
		home.  I'm gonna make sure my door's lock held.  (as Daria goes
		upstairs,she calls out...)  Mom, Dad?  Is anyone here?

Jane:		That's what you get for coming home early.  Hey
		what's this?  (she picks a box from the couch, it is a 
		pregnancy test)  Uh Oh.  Take a look at this
		Daria.

Daria:		Oh my...(she runs upstairs, the camera follows her as she
		enters the bathroom.  She sees the pregnancy test and picks it
		up.  The viewers cannot see the results)  OH...MY....GOD!

Jane:		(looking over Daria's shoulder) Oh my, looks like you're going
		to be a big sister...again.  (Daria faints.  Jane catches her and lowers
		her to the floor.) Well, that was dramatic.

	Daria is laying on the floor, with a wet washrag on her forehead.  She slowly regains
	consciousness.

Daria:		Oh God... what happened?

Jane:		You found out that Helen is knocked up, then you fainted.  I don't think
		it was out of joy.

Daria:		Good guess.  I wonder...(she gets cut off by Helen and Jake coming in)

Jake:		I can't believe someone would abandon that old heap here!

Helen:		Don't worry, we can have a tow truck here in a...(she sees the girls, gets
		her sweet voice) Hello Sweetie, Jane!  What are you doing back so early?

Daria:		The question is, what have  you guys been doing while we were
		gone?  (holds up pregnancy test)

Helen:		Oh, well um.

Jane:		Yeah, if your contraceptives are 98% effective that would mean that you'd
		have had to do it 99 times or more...(voice trails off, everyone is glaring at
		her) Well, I'd better be going, see ya later!

Helen:		Oh, is that your car Jane?  Where did you get that old heap?

Jane:		Oh, no.  Actually that's Daria's car.  BYE!  (Jane exits in a hurry)

Helen:		Your car?  That is your idea of a responsible vehicle?

Daria:		No, and lets not change the subject.  (holds up the test) What's going
		on.

Jake:		You're getting a little brother!  (gets a look from Helen) Or a little sister!

Daria:		OK, I'm going to go to my room, unpack, and try not to think about
		this.  All I ask is one favor...

Helen:		Yes?

Daria:		Let me break the news to Quinn.

Jane:		Wind!  What are you doing here?  And who fixed the tv?

Wind:		Oh, well, I'm going to be staying home for a while.  Mrs. Morgendorffer
		is working on sorting out my divorce problems, and until it's all straightened
		out, I'll be staying here.  And I've been studying TV and VCR repair, so I
		practiced on the living room tv.

Jane:		OK, well I guess that's good.  Mom, I met your parents yesterday.

Amanda:		(for once, Amanda looks thrown off.) Oh, um...how are they?

Jane:		They're fine.  AND they said you were welcome to come for a visit
		anytime you want.

Amanda:		(sounds surprised and glad) REALLY?

Jane:		Yep.  So why didn't you tell us you were raised Amish?

Wind:		You were raised Amish?

Amanda:		(sighs) Yes, children, I was raised Amish.  I still hold to
		some of the old teachings.  I try to keep things as simple
		as possible.  But when I met your father... I knew
		we were meant to be together....and I had to leave.

Jane:		I also met my cousin, Nora.

Amanda:		I'll have to go down and visit them soon.

Jodie:		Bye Mack!  See you guys later!

Mack:		So long.  (we see all the members of Mystik Spiral wave)  

	The bus pulls away.  As it drives by Lawndale High, we see the tour bus in the 
	parking lot, and all the students are getting out.  We see Quinn get into a car 
	with the 3 j's, who drive her home.  We see her walk into the house.  Daria is 
	sitting on the couch with her Mona Lisa smile in place.

Daria:		Quinn, I have some news for you...

1. Daria picked up this Nova in Vegas, Highland Pawhuska.
2. TNN does indeed show reruns of The Dukes of Hazard.
3. Daria picked up this bus in Vegas, Highland Pawhuska
4. Based on a pamphlet from my own small town.
5. Mr. Lane's name comes from the MTV trivia contest.
6. They'll kill me if they see this...fortunately, I don't think they read down this far....

1. In the first story, I claimed I was going to have everybody say 'EEP' by the end of the tour. Of course I failed. Which of the following people did NOT say 'EEP'? (may be more than one.)
   • Mack
   • Andrea
   • Jodie
   • Daria
   • Trent
   • Brittany
   • Brooke
   • Sandi
2. Which of the following bands did NOT play or appear during the Magical Mystik Spiral tour. (just one.)
   • The Dead Milkmen
   • Ween
   • Hole
   • L7
   • Anti-teen
3. Which Fanfic writer says 'EAP'? (just one)
   • Kara Wild
   • Canadibrit
   • Diane Long
   • Crazy Nutso