The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour

Tiffany:	So Quinn....are you excited about the summer trip to LA?

Quinn:	Well it will be nice to go to LA.... I can't wait... I'm
		gonna meet Leonardo Di Caprio, I just know it!  (sigh)  
		he's so dreamy with those square teeth and cute little 
		nose.  Of course, it will suck being on a bus for all that 
		time, but it will be a fashion challenge.  We'll have to 
		make the extra effort to stay fashionable with a minimum 
		of outfits and time.  And of course, I'll be out from 
		under my parents' supervision.

Tiffany:	But aren't your parents going to send your cousin along to
 		keep an eye on you?

Quinn:	They'd like to, but she wants to get a summer job so she 
		can buy a car.  As if that loser would ever have anyplace 
		worth driving to.

Tiffany:	Oh yeah.  (pause)  Does this outfit make me look fat?

Quinn:	(speaks quickly, glances at watch)  Oh!  look at the time!  
		I better hurry to class.  See ya.

Tiffany:	Umm...I can't believe she called you a loser.  That's 
		soooo wrong.

Tiffany:	Does this lip gloss make me look fat?

Daria:	Tiffany, we've never really had a serious discussion, have 
		we?

Tiffany 	No way.

Daria:	Good.  Let's keep it that way.

Tiffany	That girl is soooo weird.

Mr. O'Neill: Now class, as you know, I've written a musical based
		on some of our experiences during the big 
		hurricane.  I call it Lawndale!

Jane:		(to Daria)  Who the hell would want to see a musical about 
		a hurricane?

Daria:	No one.

Ms. Li:	Ordinarily, I would normally REQUIRE all Lawndale High 
		students to participate in the upcoming tour of 
		Lawndale!  the musical, but do to the threat of a 
		lawsuit (she glares at Daria, who gets her 'Mona Lisa' 
		smile) participation is voluntary.  (the bell rings)  
		Class Dismissed!

Jane:		So what are you going to do this summer?

Daria:	The same thing we do every summer, Janey...

Daria & Jane:	Try to take over the world!

Daria:	Seriously, though, it's over a month away.  Why worry 
		about it now?  I can decide which TV shows to watch and 
		when to stare at the walls at my leasure.

Jane:		Well I have BIG plans for the summer!

Daria:	Such as?

Jane:		I'm going on the world tour with Mystic Spiral

Daria:	Just don't expect me to bail you out again.

Jane:		No really!  Trent hooked up with this guy named Buddy
		Bradley.  He managed a Seattle band for a while.  They
		got really big, then they fired him, and immediatly failed.
		He's arranging a real world tour for Mystik Spiral
		That will include the use of a tour bus, stays in hotels
		and everything.

Daria:	Wait a minute.  How can Mystik Spiral possibly
		afford all that?  They usually need to take you along
		just for gas money.

Jane:		That's the great part!  Another band is going on the same
		tour, and they're paying for 90% of the bus and 
		hotel fees.  Buddy didn't like the other band's 
		manager.  Apparently she wouldn't pay as much
		as he wanted.  So he set it up so they'd have
		to take Mystic Spiral along with them.

Daria:	It still sounds too good to be true.  I hope he's
		going to have a lawyer or someone look over the
		contracts before he signs anything.

Trent:	Hey Daria,  Janey.

Trent:	Thanks Daria.  This world tour is gonna be great!

Jane:		Yeah I was just telling Daria about it, and how
		great it would be if she came along.

Daria:	(glares at Jane)  Thought voice:  Oh if only looks
		could kill.

Trent:	Yeah you should come along Daria.  It'll be fun!

Daria:	I'm opposed to fun.  Don't you think you should have had
		a lawyer or someone look at all this before you signed
		an agreement?

Trent:	Oh Daria don't worry about it.  Buddy's a great guy.  Plus
		just look at all those tour dates.  

Daria:	(looking through the papers)  Hmm...you will be playing a 
		lot of different places.  Even a show in Canada.  It
		really is a world tour.  Wait a minute...

Jane:		What is it Daria?

Daria:	(reading)August 15- Tex's Bar & Grill, Highland, TX
		Um Trent..I hate to tell you this...but Tex's is a country
		bar.  They only get 2 kinds of music there,  country
		and western.

Trent:	It can't be Daria.  Just because the guy's name is Tex...

Daria:	Trent, I used to live in Highland, remember?  Tex's is
		owned by Billy-Bob "Tex" Avery, who by the way thinks 
		people call him "Tex" because he's from Texas, and I
		KNOW it's a country bar because dad took us there
		to eat once.  And once was enough.

Trent:	(looks disappointed, but is still full of excitement about
		the tour)  Well we can always cancel that one
		anyway we'll still get to go cross country in a tour
		bus.  

Daria:	(looking at a map)  Uh oh.  This is the map of your tour?

Trent:	Yes, what's wrong?

Daria:	(goes through her backpack, pulls out a similar map)
		I think I just found out who the other band is.  (she
		hold up the two maps, they're identical).

Trent:	(puts his hands on his head)  Oh no!  The guys are gonna
		kill me!

Nick:		You have us touring with high schoolers?

Max:		Yeah Trent, come on we're criminales!  How can we operate 
		with a bunch of high schoolers around?

Jane:		Excuse me?

Nick & Max:	Oops, sorry Jane, Daria.  Present company excluded.

Jesse:	What's worse is that Ms. Barch is gonna be with them.

Max:		EEP! ^1^

Nick:		Oh man!

Trent:	It's not so bad.  (camera pans to show the other members 
		of Mystik Spiral giving him a dirty look.)  OK I messed
		up.  You guys know I'm not a business man.  (his voice 
		takes up a thoughtful tone)  Maybe we should have gotten
		a manager from the start.  We need to concentrate more
		on improving our sound, especially now that we're going 
		out on tour.  What we need is someone who's smart,
		dependable and we know we can trust.

Daria:	No way!

Jane:		Come on Daria, you'd be perfect.  Plus you said you need 
		to make money, and what better way then to make money
		AND help out your friends?

Daria:	(Looking for an out)  But I'm sure the guys don't want to
		be managed by a high schooler.

Max:		No, you'd be a great manager Daria!  You're not like the 
		other high schoolers.  You're one of us.

Jesse:	Yeah.

Trent:	Come on Daria, we really need your help here.  Couldn't 
		you do this, as a favor for me?

Daria:	(thought voice)  Ugh, this is how I got my navel pierced.  
		(still trying to get out of it)  I don't know Trent, if I 
		was going to do this, I'd need some cash to get things
		started.

Trent:	No problem.  (reaches into his wallet, pulls out a wad 
		of money)  Here Ya go.  (gives the money to Daria).

Jane:		Hey, wait a minute.  Where'd you get that kind of 
		money?  Or any kind of money for that manner.  You
		cashed one of mom's blank checks, didn't you?  Do
		you think mom considers your world tour an emergency?

Trent:	Like that time you used one for art supplies?

Jane:		EEP!  (she didn't know he knew about that!)

Trent:	Besides, when we get back from tour, I'll have the money 
		to pay her back.  So all in favor of Daria being our new 
		manager?

Daria:	(realizes she's stuck)  Fine.  Come on Jane, let's get 
		busy.

Jane:		Me?  How'd I get pulled into this?  (camera shows Daria's 
		glare)  OK, OK what's my job title?

Daria:	Executive in charge of merchandising.  I want shirts, 
		buttons, stickers and an album.  Didn't they
		record 6 or 7 songs?

Jane:		Yes, but how am I supposed to produce all this?
		I don't think there's enough money there for all
		that.

Daria:	Simple.  You volunteer to design the Lawndale!
		T-shirts, buttons, stickers & album cover for 
		Ms. Li.  This will give you access to Ms. Li's
		sweatshop.

Jane:		Ms. Li's sweatshop?

Daria:	(sighs)  You should talk to Jodie more.  You see, Ms. Li 
		bought out a print shop a few years ago.  She wanted
		the equipment so she could save money on school
		merchandise.  She uses detention students as labor.

Jane:		I see.  So I go in, and produce the Mystik Spiral 
		merchandise alongside the Lawndale! merchandise.  How do
		I cover that up?

Daria:	Creative accounting.  Leave that to me.  Plus, since 
		football season is over most of the labor will be jocks, 
		who are too dumb to notice what you're doing.

Jane:		Sounds like we're going to be very busy this 
		next month.

Daria:	Yep.

• Daria poring over the legal papers Trent signed. She's in her room, surrounded by law books.
  
  
• Jane in her room, working on designs for T-shirts.
  
  
• Daria talking on a cellular phone while typing stuff into a computer.
  
  
• Jane working in "Ms. Li's sweatshop", which is a basement room with large, outdated looking equipment. Jane is supervising football players. We see boxes of Lawndale! merchandise, and a few boxes of Mystik Spiral merchandise.
  
  
• Daria writting in a notebook with index tabs while looking through various printouts.
  
  
• We see a row of football players tossing boxes to each other, camera follows the box out to a truck, where Mack is stacking them in the truck. The box is marked with an M Mack tosses over the hedge, where it lands on an old mattress. Then it's picked up by Jane, handed to Max, who throws it to Jesse who puts it in the tank.
  
  
• Daria & Jane falling asleep in Mr. O'Neill's class.

Daria:	(in a bubbly teenager voice)  Hello, Morgendorffer 
		management. (pause)  One moment please.  (we can't hear 
		the guy at the other end.  Daria puts him on hold for a 
		few seconds) (in her normal voice)  Yes...You'd like to 
		cancel the Mystik Spiral show at The Long Goodbye on 
		July 9?  One moment, please.  (Daria pulls out her 
		notebook and pages through it.)  Yes, that will work out 
		well for us.  Yes, actually we've had a better offer from 
		The Last Stop for that same date. (pause) 
		What?  Well that's hardly our 
		problem sir.  Well you're the one who wishes to cancel.
		What?  You don't want to cancel?  Well you have a contract
		so I suppose we have no choice but play.  Very well.
		Goodbye (she closes the phone and replaces it in its 
		holster.)  Sucker!

Daria:	What?  I told you I got a job.

Helen:	I'm just proud of you sweety.  I've never seen you
		so enthusiastic about anything before.

Daria:	Well....yeah...anyway I've got to get going.

TV Announcer:	She brought her new husband home for dinner....and 
		they ate him!  Cannibal In-Laws on the next Sick, Sad
		World.

Daria:	(shutting off the TV.)  They just can't get enough of 
		cannibalism can they?

Jane:		Well we don't want to ruin our appetites.

Daria:	Well all our work is done, now we can concentrate
		on graduating.  We'll have to work hard to make
		up for all the classes we've slept through.

Jane:		Yeah, I'm sure we missed a lot.  (Picks up a
		T-shirt from a box.)  What do you think of my Mystik
		Spiral T-shirts.

Daria:	"Magical Mystik Spiral World Tour"?  That's actually kind 
		of catchy.  How'd you manage to sneak all this 
		merchandise out, anyway?

Jane:		Couldn't have done it without some help from Mack.

Daria:	What was Mack doing in detention?

Daria & Jane:	Ms. Barch!

Jane:		(glancing at her watch.)  Oops!  We'd better get going.

Daria:	Why?

Jane:		It's almost...

Jane:		(much louder than before) TIME FOR PRACTICE TO BEGIN.

Daria:	Is it just me, or are they starting to sound better?

Jane:		They should be, they've been practicing every night.

Daria:	Well, just think,  in 2 weeks we'll be on the road with 
		Mystik Spiral.

Jane:		And the cast & crew of Lawndale!.  Don't forget
		about that.

Quinn:	(offscreen)  WHAT!?

Quinn:	You can't go on that trip.  You'll ruin everything!

Daria:	Well, I honestly don't see how you can stop me.

Quinn:	I'll tell Mom & Dad that you're going to be touring 
		with an all guy band.  THEY'LL stop you!

Daria:	Hmm...she's right.  She CAN stop me.

Jane:		Don't you have any dirt on her you can use?

Daria:	Nope.  I'm fresh out of dirt.  (She pulls out her phone
		and looks at it reluctantly)  there is only one other
		source of dirt in Lawndale.

Jane:		You don't mean?

Daria:	Upchuck.  And I'll need you to get payment.

Jane:		(shudders)  You don't think I'M gonna "pay" him do you?

Daria:	(Shudders)  Not like that.  EWW.  Contact Buddy Bradley.  
		He has a store in New York that sells 'collectables'.  
		Maybe he has something ultra-rare we can give to Upchuck.

Jane:		But won't we feel dirty (the BAD kind of dirty) if we
		use one of Upchuck's Peeping Tom tapes?

Daria:	At least we'd be getting it out of his hands.  (Looks 
		thoughtful) On the other hand....maybe there is a way to 
		take care of his tape collection at the same time we're 
		getting dirt on Quinn.

Daria:	Due to Congress's increased interfering in 
		cartoons on television, we have been asked by
		the spineless suits at M-TV to make these inane
		public service announcements.

Jane:		Aren't you afraid you'll get in trouble for
		talking like that?

Daria:	No, Congress & M-TV suits DO NOT watch cartoons.

Jane:		So why don't you just refuse to do them.

Daria:	Because then we'd be forced to do a very
		special episode about teen pregnancy.

Jane:		That doesn't sound so bad.

Daria:	Hmm.

Jane:		Wait a minute!  Why does it have to be me?

Daria:	Because you're the best friend.  It's
		ALWAYS the best friend who gets pregnant.

Jane:		Wasn't this an episode of Blossom?

Daria:	Oh, great, now you've let the cat out of the bag.
		Nice going.  (she walks out.)

Jane:		Daria!  Wait!  What about the public service
		announcement?  (looks at the camera)  Well
		kids I guess we've all learned something.
		
Trent:	(walks in)  And that's one to grow on!

Daria:	Hello?  (pause)  Alright Charles, when & where?  (pause)
		We'll be there.  (she hangs up)

Jane:		It's all set?

Daria:	Yep.  We meet him at the Ruttheimer family bomb 
		shelter.  It's out by the Pizza Forest.

Jane:		That's pretty far.  Do we have enough time
		before Princess Grace gets out of her 
		Fashion Mob meeting?

Daria:	We've got about an hour and a half or so.  We'll
		have to hurry.

Jane:		Then I guess I should drive. (doesn't notice
		Daria giving her an angry glare) Yo, Trent
		can I borrow your car?

Trent:	Sure, Janey.

Daria:	Let's roll.

Jane:		Umm  Daria (Daria starts the car with a roar) I didn't say 
		anything to (Daria shifts into reverse.  An over the top 
		view shows Trent's car laying rubber as it emerges 
		onto the street)  OFFEND YOU DID I? (the last part is 
		said real fast as Jane is struggling to put her 
		seatbelt on.)  

Daria:	(both hands on the wheel)  You know, Jane I think I've 
		figured out what my problem is.

Jane:		You mean besides the fact that you're about
		to take a hairpin turn at 65 MPH?

Daria:  (they both lean left & squealing tires can be heard)  No
		I mean why I'm always so nervous when I drive.

Jane:		Why is that (another turn, same as last time only
		to the right) do you think?

Daria:	I'm worried because I know how expensive the car is and 
		how mad mom & dad will be when they find out
		about it.  That's why I need to get my own car.

Jane:		(quietly) Long as I don't have to ride in it.

Daria:	What was that?

Jane:		Nothing!  Aren't we almost there?

Daria:	We ARE there.

Daria:	Hey Jane, ya ever see the Blues Brothers parallel park?

Jane:		(look of extreme fear)  You wouldn't.

Daria:	Oh yes I would!

Jane:		I'm still alive!  I AM DRIVING BACK!

Daria:	If we have time.  (She looks at the door to Upchuck's 
		lair. Their is a note that says "come on in, ladies").  
		Well here we are, about to enter into Upchuck's Lair.  
		What have you got?

Jane:		Mace.  You?

Daria:	(Indicates a leather pouch on her belt)  Stun gun.  
		Where'd you get that?

Jane:		Ms.  Barch, of course.  Come on, lets get this over with.

Upchuck:	Greetings, Ladies.  Shall we get this business
		over with so we can move on to more...pleasureable
		pursuits...ROWR.

Daria:	Let's get down to business.  What have you got?

Upchuck:	Grrr.. Feisty.  I have this audio tape...(He puts the tape 
		in a boombox)

Quinn's voice:	(on tape) and Sandi is such a bitch!  She's always 
		cutting me down and criticizing my fashion sense.  Like 
		hers is so great.  Did you see what she was wearing
		today?  (Upchuck stops the tape).

Upchuck:	And if you think that's good, wait until you view this...
		(he takes out a video tape and puts it in a VCR)

Daria:	We've seen enough.

Upchuck:	Oh but the best part is yet to come.

Daria:	Can it Upchuck.  We'll take it.

Upchuck:	(extremely pleased with himself, he puts the 
		video tape & the audio tape in a bag)  Well
		then, now we can discuss...Payment...ROWL!

Daria:	(to Jane, Quietly)  Distract him. 

Jane:		(looks ill)  OH Upchuck (she leads him away 
		from the video cabinet.)

Jane:		We COULD pay you with a few minutes of pleasure 
		(to herself)few seconds is more likely.  (to Upchuck)
		But I think you would prefer THIS.  (she opens a box
		and hold it so Upchuck can see the contents.)  It's
		and original Princess Leia action figure, still in the 
		original box, and look Upchuck.  (close up of the 
		box, Jane's pointing at the peghole)  the peghole hasn't
		been punctured yet.

Upchuck:	A virgin Princess Leia  (his eyes gloss over)  
		I'll take it.

Daria:	(she's finished with his video collection, and has 
		concealed the magnet)  Fine (grabs the bag with the 
		tapes in them.)  Let's roll Jane.

Upchuck:	But don't you girls want to stay awhile?  Maybe have
		some fun?  (both girls turn around.  Daria has her
		stun gun out & primed.  Jane's holding her can 
		of mace.)  Perhaps some other time, then.

Daria:	Shortly after Hell freezes over.  The second time.

Jane:		I'm just gonna' shut my eyes.  Let me know when 
		we get there.

Daria:	We're here Jane.

Jane:		Heaven?

Daria:	The place it's farthest from.

Jane:		Will that magnet REALLY erase those videos?

Daria:	It worked with Quinn's copy of Titanic.

Jane:		Is Princess Grace here yet?

Daria:	Not yet.  Let's get ready for her.

Quinn:	Get out of my way.

Daria:	There's something you should hear first.

Jane:		Let's go upstairs and talk.

Daria:	Oh, but there's more, Quinn.  (she presses the PLAY button
		on her VCR.  The same scene we saw at Upchuck's
		is played again, and Daria stops it at the same place.)
		You should thank us just for getting this out of 
		Upchuck's possession.  I don't like to think what
		HIS plans for this tape were.

Quinn:	You think he would have blackmailed me?

Daria:	No, but I think I know what he'd use this tape for.

Quinn:	(thinks about that)  EWW!  Alright FINE!  Come on the 
		stupid bus trip.

Daria:	Nice doing business with you.  These tapes will be 
		destroyed right after the bus pulls out.

Daria:	Pizza?

Jane:		Pizza!

Tom:		I'm really gonna' miss you Jane.

Jane:		(looking into his eyes) aww.  (they kiss)

Daria:	Would you two knock off the mushy stuff?  I'm
		trying to eat over here.

Tom:		I'll miss your sharp tongue, too Daria.

Daria:	I doubt that it is my tongue that you'll miss.

Jane:		(she's blushing!)  Daria!

Tom:		Well I guess I should leave while I'm
		ahead.

Daria:	You're not ahead.

Tom:		Well, then, while my head is still attached.

Daria:	Very good.  (Pause, kind of mumbled) I'll miss you too.

Tom:		Stop!  You'll make me blush.  (he leaves)

Jane:		(Sighs)  Well we'd better go get our stuff 
		onto the bus.

Otto:		(He's the guy)  Hey Dudes!  You must be Mystik 
		Spiral.  You get the upstairs.

Daria:	How'd you ever get this bus?

Otto:		Well, I used to be the bus driver for The Rolling Stones.
		This was their bus.  Then one night, Mick got drunk and
		decided to take the bus for a spin.  He flipped it over, 
		and I pulled him out.  In gratitude, he had it fixed up 
		and gave it to me.  So now I hire it out fairly cheap to 
		people who couldn't ordinarily afford a nice bus like this.

Daria:	Well that's cool.

Ms. Li:	What the hell...

Daria:	Oh Hi Ms. Li!  Didn't Mr Bradley tell you you'd be 
		sharing the bus with another band?

Ms. Li:	(Sputters)  He did not inform me that it would be this 
		group of young hooligans!  I want you and those 
		Troublemakers off that bus AT ONCE!

Trent:	Hey, Ms. Li, you remember us.

Daria:	Well, we could vacate the bus at your request, but 
		according to the contract you signed, you would not only
		have to pay the full price for the bus, but you'd
		also have to provide alternate transportation, at
		your expense, for Mystik Spiral.  Is that
		what you want?

Ms. Li:	(is now shaking with rage)  Very well Ms. Morgendorffer, 
		but you have NOT heard the last of this!

Daria:	(as the bus pulls out) Well here we go.

Jane:		Adventure!  Romance!  Who knows
		what the future hold!  (looks over at
		Daria.)  What are you smiling about?

Daria:	(points out the window)