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Mom, I had a feeling you might attempt to remodel my room while I'm not there to defend it. So I've taken steps to ensure that you don't. This is one of the finest deadbolts that money can buy. The locksmith who installed it says that only another locksmith could remove it. So I made him sign legal documents promising he won't remove it. So you're not getting in. |
Helen: Well, I'll just remove the hinges.(Daria's Voice)
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PS. If you're thinking of removing the hinges, forget it. I already moved them to the inside. Love Daria |
Helen: OH, Honestly! That girl is impossible!Helen goes back downstairs.
Helen: Jake, this is a THIRD warning that you should pay your overdue tickets. WHY haven't you paid them? Jake: Well you see, honey every so often the city has a day of amnesty, when you can take in the overdue tickets and either get them taken off for free or at a greatly reduced rate. So all I have do is wait. Helen: (frustrated tone) Jake, why don't you just PAY them. How do you get so many in the first place? Jake: (defensive tone) I'm a consultant! I have to be constantly out on the go. And that means that sometimes I have to park in the city. And sometimes you just get ticketed. there's no avoiding it. Helen: Well, the next time they're not going to ticket you, they'll boot you!^1^ (angrily) Don't you have any idea how this makes me look? I'm in court trying to defend someone, and some other attorney points out that my husband doesn't even pay his tickets! Never mind Jake, as usual I'll handle it. (she grabs the letter and angrily heads toward the door) I'll just go down to the courthouse during my vacation so I can pay off your tickets. (Helen slams the door behind her). Jake: Aw hell! (He goes to the kitchen and gets out a bottle of booze. He pours it into a glass, then heads back out to the couch, taking the bottle with him. The camera zooms in on the bottle, which is half full (or half empty, whatever) then we see the bottle is now nearly empty, to illustrate the passage of time.^2^) (sloshed voice) Yeah little Jakey ain't NOTHIN' but a screw up. Can't do NOTHIN' right. If it weren't for ol' MAD DOG, little Jakey would be lyin' in a ditch some- where. (He takes a swig of the booze, straight from the bottle.) At this point, we see Helen come back. She is in a bad mood and when she sees Jake, she looks positively livid. Helen: JAKE! I can't believe you! It's bad enough that you can't take care of the most simple things, but you've got to get stinking drunk to? I ran into Eric at the courthouse, and imagine my embarrassment when I have to explain why I'm there. And all the while here you are getting sloshed! WELL! What do you have to say for yourself? Jake: (sloshed, angry) O-oh-HO! So you don't want your precious Eric to know that your husband's a pathetic wretch, is that it? Is that why you're screwing him behind my back?^3^ Helen: (shocked beyond belief look on her face) (real pissed voice) GET OUT! Jake: (his drunk, ranting voice) WHAT DID YOU SAY? Helen: I said 'GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE'! RIGHT NOW!! Jake: FINE! (Heads for the door) I'LL BE BACK LATER FOR MY STUFF! (opens door) AND YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!!! (he leaves slamming the door behind him.) Helen: (she collapses on the couch, looking completely drained. We hear Jake's Lexus squealing out of the driveway, and accelerating away) Good one, Helen. Send a drunk, reckless driver out on the road. (Spotting the empty bottle of booze, she grabs it and hurls it into the far wall, where it burst into a million pieces, She bursts into tears, and the scene fades out)Scene 4. Moe's Tavern.
Jake: Give me another, barkeep! Moe: Let's see some money first, pal. Jake: Fine (Pulls out his wallet, as he's pulling out a bill, he passes out on the bar) Moe quickly grabs the wallet, and after removing several bills, he looks at Jake's Drivers Licence. Moe: OK, who knows 'Jake Morgendorffer'? Anybody? Come on, you guys, somebody must know this guy... Voice: Did you say Morgendorffer? (Camera pans to show that the voice belongs to Wind Lane) I think he's my sister's friend's father. Moe: Whatever. Get him outa my bar. Wind puts his arm around Jake, and proceeds to carry him out of the bar. Wind: Um... Do you have a car Mr. Morgendorffer? Because my ex-wife has mine. Jake: (gestures forward) Lexus.As Wind reaches the Lexus, A red haired chick walks up to them.
Girl: Hi there, my name's Rachel.^4^ Would you guys like to give me a lift?Wind struggles to get Jake into the passenger seat. He seatbelts him then shuts the door.
Wind: I don't think Mr. Morgendorffer would want me driving strange women around in his car. Rachel: Morgendorffer? (to herself) Dammit! (to Wind) but what about you? You seem (smiles seductively) lonely... Wind: Um...Well...Heh... I'm Wind Lane and... Rachel: Lane?! DAMMIT. (She stalks off muttering to herself) What was I thinking coming back her? It's like the whole town revolves around Daria! Wind: Huhm. Oh well. I'm probably not legaly divorced yet anyway. (He gets into the Lexus) So you want me to take you home Mr Morgendorffer? Jake: (garbled, drunk voice) No! Wife threw me out! Wind: Oh. Well, I've been there, man. I'm sure mom won't mind putting you up for a while, especially with Trent and Jane being gone and all. Maybe she can help you! I know that I'm a lot more together since I've been home...(realizes Jake has passed out again) Well, here we go. (He drives off)We see Rachel walking up to a nearby gas station. There is a semi-trailer in the lot. She walks up to the familiar looking driver.
Rachel: Hi there. You're not from around here are you? Truck Driver: No ma'am, I am from Fremont. (It's Stan from Speedtrapped). Rachel: Well, great! Could you give me a ride? Stan: Surely, Ma'am. And I can tell you about the time I taught Martha Steward how to cook. Rachel: (rolls her eyes) Great. (they get into the 18 wheeler and drive away).The bumper comes up, and we see Jake and Helen shouting at each other.
Amanda: How are you feeling, Jake? Jake: (fuzzy camera now pans out to show Jake and Amanda in the basement) Oh, ah. Where am I? Amanda: You're in my basement, Jake. You passed out in a bar and my son Wind brought you home. How do you feel? Jake: UGH. Awful. (He's remembering stuff) OH MY GOD! I accused Helen of...Why would I say that?! Dear Lord I've destroyed my marriage!! Amanda: Now Jake, I'm sure that Helen will forgive you. Given Time. But I think your first step to healing your marriage is healing your soul. Jake: What do you mean? Amanda: You're an alcoholic, Jake. The first thing to do is dry you out. You can stay in the basement. I'll be sure you have good food. And don't feel bad. Alcoholism is hereditary. Your father was probably an alcoholic. (she leaves, and we hear the door at the top of the steps lock) Jake: alcoholic! BAH! I'm no alcoholic! (As if to prove Amanda's point, He goes into his jacket, and comes out with a glass flask of booze. We see the booze from his point of view) Flask of booze: (in 'Mad Dog' Morgendorffer's voice) That's right, Jakey. Take another drink. It'll make a man out of you. Just like your old man! (Jake takes the flask and hurls it into the far wall, where it busts into a million pieces. Jake rolls up into a ball on the floor and cries.)The screen goes dark, then the words 2 DAYS LATER appear. Then a fade in shows Jake, still rolled up in a ball. We are suddenly shown his point of view. Pink Elephants on Parade plays as we see Jake hallucinating all kinds of horrible stuff. He is shaking violently and mumbling incoherently. The screen fades out again, and the words 1 WEEK LATER appear. We now see the Lane family basement again, but this time Amanda Lane and Jake are both sitting in full Lotus,5 deep in meditation. Jake looks more peaceful than we have ever seen him. The scene fades out.
Helen: Jake! Where the HELL have you...(sees Amy) Oh, it's you. (without another word, Helen turns around and goes back inside, leaving the door open behind her) Amy: (THought voice) This is bad. You should run for it. No she's your sister. See if she's OK. No, run for it. SHUT UP! (she enters the house) Helen is seated on the couch. Amy walks up to her and sits next to her. Amy: Nice to see you, too Helen. So do you want to talk about it? Helen: What (sniff) what are you doing here? Amy: I was passing through town on business, and I thought I'd check in on you guys. Looks like it's a good thing I did. You look like hell Helen. And that's not like you. Now are you going to tell me what's wrong, or do I have to get out the hot irons? Helen: No, I... OH AMY! (she throws herself at Amy, and hugs her, crying into Amy's shoulder. Amy looks freaked by it, but she hugs Helen and pats her back) Amy: Alright Helen, tell me all about it. Helen: We both decided to take a few weeks off work and try to work out our problems. The first few days were blissful (shows a slight blush as she remembers) Amy: OOHH! Helen: AMY! Anyway, then we had this stupid fight. Over parking tickets! Then he got drunk, and I yelled and he yelled, and I told him to get out... and that was THREE DAYS AGO! (Starts to cry a little) Amy: Well, he obviously hasn't been in an accident or anything. Helen: He can't take care of himself Amy! When I think of my poor, sweet, innocent little Jakey out there all alone... Amy: Helen, he's a grown man for God's sake! He's not a puppy or a child. Despite the fact that he's an alcoholic... Helen: (defensive) He's NOT an alcoholic...(Amy silences her with a sharp glare) Amy: And he's what psychologists call a dependant personality. and your his enabler. He needs to learn independence and you need to learn to use him as a partner and not as a subordinate. Helen: (can't deny anything Amy has said) So what am I supposed to do? Amy: (sighs) Clean yourself up. Get the house into shape. Do some research on Alcoholism. I know Jake, he'll be back. You just have to wait. If you want I can stay... Helen: Stay tonight Amy. I need someone here. Amy: Alright. Sis.The screen goes dark and the words 3 days later appear. Then we see the Morgendorffer driveway. Amy and Helen walk out to her car.
Amy: Look, Helen if you want me to stay longer... Helen: No, Amy. You have to get back to your work. You've been very helpful. Amy: Keep me informed, OK? As my favorite sister? Helen: (Smiles) Thank you Amy. For everything.As Amy pulls out of the driveway, a sad looking Helen goes back inside.
Mr. DeMartino: WHAT the DEVIL where you doing in the middle of the road MOnique? Monique: (usual ditzy self) Oh hey Mr. D! How about showing a girl a good time? Mr. DeMartino: Oh what the hell! (starts to lead Monique back to his car)Suddenly we see Mr. DeMartino's thoughts. He is in Ms. Li's office.
Ms. Li: According to this medical report, you have seven sexually transmitted diseases! I'm afraid we'll have to let you go.The dream sequence ends.
Mr. DeMartino: On the OTHER hand, MONique it might be best if you SLEEP IT OFF in SOMEONE'S lawn. Trust me it'll do you a WORLD of good. (He gets into his car and drives off).The bumper comes up, and we see Monique and Jake screaming at each other.
Jane: Geez are we even in this episode? Daria: You have to appear in the story, because of a clause in your contract. I foolishly believed that being the star would make such a clause unnecessary. Silly me. I feel like I'm in a Kara Wild Fanfic. Jane: No, then it would be about Quinn. Crazy Nutso: (offscreen) You'll both appear at the end of Act III. Now do the public service message! Jane's computer: (In Erik's voice) (singing) Helen, OH Helen...your so swell en. Ah damn I'll E-mail you. Daria: (glances at the computer) You're using Crazy's theme? Jane: What do you expect in his fanfic? (She looks at the computer screen) It's E-mail from Canadibrit. She's still a little irked over you claiming to be her. Daria: OK, everyone I am not Canadibrit, OK? It was just a joke. Jane: Yeah. Besides, I thought everybody knew that her real name is Lynn Cullen^7^. (Daria suddenly buries her face in her hands) Daria: Good one Lane, now you've done it. Jane: What? (Suddenly a huge tomato sails across the room and pastes Jane right in the face) HEY! What was that for? CN (offscreen) Hey if I'm gonna get 'matered, so are you!^8^ Jane: (still at her computer) Say, Daria...Do you know...um LINE! CN (offscreen) DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND... Jane: GOT IT, THANKS! Do you know where I can find the latest fanfics from SBBED D? Daria: Why, I believe the can be found at Crazy Nutso's fanfic website. What's that address again, Crazy? CN: (offscreen) Just Tell them to do a google search or something! Jane: Say isn't this supposed to be a public service announcement? Daria: Let's end our suffering. Trent. Trent? TRENT. Trent: (He was sleeping in a chair) Huh? WHat? oh um.. (he sees Jane's 'mater covered face) Kids remember don't play with your food! Daria: Just super.
Jake: How's that? Amanda: Oh! Um. That's good Jake. You're getting a lot better at this. A little harder and faster but not too fast. OH yes, that's good. Oooh Jake, You're a natural.The camera stays on Helen's face as this is heard. Needless to say, said face is becoming more and more angry. Helen strides purposely down the steps to the basement. We see Amanda Lane on the couch, with her back to us. Jake (who also has his back to us) is giving her a back rub9 ( what did you think they were doing, you pervert?) Jake hears Helen at the last moment and turns toward her.
Jake: Helen! (his voice says he's glad to see her) How have you...( Helen cuts him off with a fierce right cross, he goes down) Amanda: Hello Helen. (Helen yells, and leaps at her. they roll around on the floor a bit, and end up with Helen on top of Amanda, choking her. Amanda has a peaceful look on her face, and isn't fighting back.) Helen: Oh, God, I'm sorry Amanda. Are you alright? Amanda: I'm fine Helen. I suppose I should have called you, but I was so concerned with teaching Jake how to relax, I guess I forgot about you. You could certainly use some relaxing, too. Helen: You have no idea. Jake: (getting up. He's got the makings of a fine shiner) Helen... I'm sorry I said... Helen: (goes to Jake, gently hugs him) I know Jake. I'm sorry I've been treating you like a child. We'll get past your problems Jake, together. (they hug each other) And I want to thank you Amanda. It's obvious that you've helped Jake a great deal. Amanda: (Looking at Jake & Helen) You know what you two need? Keroki therapy! Jake & Helen: (in unison) Keroki therapy? Amanda: (messing with a keroki machine) Yep, you just sing to each other. It's very good therapy. My husband and I use it all the time. (she turns on the machine and a Kenny Rogers song comes on) I'll just leave you two alone. (she leaves). Jake: (singing) You don't bring me flowers. Helen: You don't sing me love songs Jake: You hardly talk to me anymore, when I walk through the door, at the end of the day. Helen: I remember when....You couldn't wait to love me. Jake: you used to hate to leave me Helen: Now after loving me late at night Jake: when it's good for you baby, and you're feeling just right Helen: Well you just roll over, and turn out the lights Jake: You don't say you need me Helen: you don't think I'm special Jake: You don't bring me flowers Helen & Jake: any---more (they embrace)A while later we see Wind walking by the door into the basement.
Wind: Sounds like Jake's practicing his massage technique again. Amanda: I don't think so, Wind. Wind: What the... but...who? Amanda: Why don't you take your mother out to eat, and I'll tell you all about it.We see Amanda and Wind leave. After a while, we see Jake and Helen, looking slightly disheveled, but happy, come out of the basement. They are holding hands and giggling like teenagers in love. They get in Jake's Lexus, and drive home. Once there Jake carries Helen across the threshold. Then he sets her down inside.
Helen: Let's go straight to bed. Jake: There's something I need to do first. (Jake goes resolvedly to the bathroom. He opens the medicine cabinet and starts throwing away all the pills he has in there) I don't need any of this CRAP anymore! Helen: That's great, Jake! Now come here and show me your back rub technique! (we see them go into the bedroom and hear them giggling).The scene fades out.
Helen: (offscreen) JAKE! Come up here. Jake: (runs up the stairs into the bathroom. Helen is holding the test) Well? Helen: Look for yourself. (She hands the test to Jake) Jake: (looks at the test) YEAAWHO! (he sets the test down on the sink) Helen, let's go out and celebrate. the girls won't be back for another week or so. Helen: Ok, let's go.Jake and Helen head out the door, holding hands. They get in Jake's Lexus and speed away. Seconds later a crappy blue 1978 Chevy Nova pulls into the driveway. Although the body of the car is light blue, the doors and trunk are dark blue, and the hood is black. Daria and Jane hop out of this monstrosity and head for the front door.10 They enter.
Daria: Mom, Dad? Is anyone here? Jane: That's what you get for coming home early. Hey what's this? (she picks the box from the pregnancy test up off the couch) Uh Oh. Take a look at this Daria. Daria: Oh my...(she runs upstairs, the camera follows her as she enters the bathroom. She sees the pregnancy test and picks it up. The viewers cannot see the results) OH...MY....GOD!The screen goes blank, and the 3 words all tv viewers dread seeing appear....
Jake: (tap, tap) is this darn thing on? Helen: (sounds amused instead of annoyed at Jake) Yes it is. I'll start. They say we're young and we don't know and won't find out until we grow. Jake: Well I don't know if all that's true 'cause you've got me and baby I've got you.The music comes up and I've got you babe sung by Helen and Jake continues through the credits.