Excess


A Daria Fan Fiction set during The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series

By Crazy Nutso

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction (or a desperate plea for help....you be the judge) Daria & her amazing friends are ™ and © MTV. Daria and all other characters belong to MTV, but were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis . Doesn't that just suck? All music, pop culture references, and the like are probably ® ™ and © also but I'm to damn lazy to look it up. Used without permission...Please don't sue me :>]


(Since this is the first `real' episode ("The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour" was a lead in, not actually part of the tour itself) I'd like to introduce my very own intro that will be used instead of the traditional Daria intro for The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series.1 The Music is Get Your Kicks On Route 66 as performed by The Cramps (`cause I love that song!!) and the intro is Red Dwarf style, ie. it features scenes from the upcoming season (called teasers))


The Logo screen reads: Daria in: "Excess".


ACT I. Cookin' With Jesse


Scene 1. On the bus.

We're in the plush upstairs of the bus. Most of Mystik Spiral are toward the front of the bus, messing with their instruments and such. Daria & Jane are at a table toward the rear of the bus. A 13 year old boy is approaching them. He looks like a miniature version of Jesse. He is Jesse's little brother Danny. He's wearing ripped jeans and a Mystik Spiral T-shirt that says "Roadie" on the sleeves.
Danny: Hey Jane, Daria. Jane, did I remember to thank you for this shirt? Because it's REALLY cool and I really do appreciate it.

Jane: Yes Danny, you did thank me. (mumbled) Several times.

Danny: Oh, well then....Do you want a soda or anything?

Jane: No Danny. Maybe you should go see if the band needs anything. You ARE their roadie, you know.

Danny: (sounds disappointed) Ok. I'll see you later Jane. (as an afterthought) Daria.


(Danny goes over to where Mystik Spiral is)

Daria: Hmm. Looks like SOMEONE has an admirer.

Jane: Don't you start. He's only 13, for Pete's sake!

Daria: You always tell me that age doesn't matter when you're in LOVE.

Jane: Well at least I'M not completely oblivious to the fact that he HAS a crush on me.

Daria: Ah, but there have been so many special fellahs since I've known you. Remember "Bobby Big-Head"? 2

Jane: I left him in the laundry room. He thought my head was a lolly pop.

Daria: Then their was Evan.3

Jane: (gritting her teeth, starting to sound a little irked) So I did something stupid for a guy. I'm hardly the only one here who has done that.

Daria: Touché. And what about Upchuck's cousin Brad?4

Jane: (sounds more mad) You thought his brother, Brett was cute!

Daria: Then there was Guy Fawkes Day.5 You thought he was cute, too.

Jane: (warning in her voice)Daria....

Daria: And then there is that thing you have for Jesse.6

Jane: JESSE!!! Have you been sniffing my paints again?

Daria: OK, maybe that's a little farfetched, but now you have TOM.7

Jane: (wistful sigh) Yeah. (has a "boy do I miss him" look on her face).

Daria: Or perhaps it's time you moved on to....Danny.

Jane: (sounds pissed again) Daria....
(Trent walks up at this point)
Trent: Hey Janey, Daria. Are you doing anything important right now?

Jane: As a matter of fact, Trent, Daria here was about to reveal her true feelings for..

Daria: (interrupting) What do you need, Trent?

Trent: (Sound embarrassed) Well, you see Daria....The guys are hungry and...(sees that Daria sees where this is going and speaks a little faster) well, we were wondering if you could cook us up something.

Daria: (Looks only slightly peeved) OK! Everybody over here NOW!
(The band & Danny gather around Daria)
Daria: I have an announcement to make. I am your manager, I am not your cook! Neither is Jane. (pan to Jane, who nods). We're going to do this democratically. We'll draw names out of a hat, and whoever gets picked has to make lunch. Sound fair?
(Everyone agrees that that sounds fair. Jane has a wicked grin on her face as she gets out the hat to pick names. She mixes the names up, then reaches in and pulls one out).
Jane: (reading the name) Daria. Looks like you're on cooking duty DESPITE your little speach. (she goes to draw another name. Daria has a suspicious look on her face.)

Daria: Hold it. Since MY name has been drawn, I should draw the next name. (Daria walks over, reaches into the hat and draws out another name). Jesse. Super, looks like you and me are doing the cooking.

Jesse: Yeah.

Jane: (Walking up to Daria) Geez Daria, don't you trust me?

Daria: (Putting both her hands on Jane's hands) Of COURSE I trust you Jane. (she reaches into Jane's sleeve, and pulls out a name, flipping it over, we see it says "Trent".) About as far as I can THROW you.

Jane: But you did well at Ms. Barch's "Take Back the Night" self- defense class. You could probably throw me quite far.

Daria: Don't tempt me Jane. Just don't tempt me.
Scene 2. The one with the recipe in it. (I'm serious! If you're not interested in hearing about a recipe, skip this scene!)

Jesse is pulling stuff out of the refrigerator and piling it on the counter. Daria is watching, looking bemused, as if she expected to do all the work.
Daria: So what's this concoction called?

Jesse: I call it "Gutbuster Pan Pizza".8

Daria: So what now?

Jesse: Well you get the crust, and spread it out in a 9 x 13 cake pan. Make sure the crust is evenly spread, and goes all the way up the sides. Then you spread the pizza sauce along the bottom. Add a pound of ground beef (browned), spread a layer of shredded cheese over that. I like to add a couple of cans of "cream of broccoli" soup at this point.

Daria: (sounds slightly nauseated) You put soup in a pizza?

Jesse: No. It's condensed soup! It makes a great sauce, plus I like broccoli on my pizza. (takes on an uncharacteristically motherly voice) Plus its important that Danny gets enough vegetables in his diet. (normal voice) But Max doesn't like broccoli, and Nick hates pizza that's "too saucy". So I'll add a layer of sausage, some chopped up green peppers, sliced mushrooms, another layer of cheese, pepperoni, Pineapple, and one more layer of cheese on top.

Daria: (Sounds intrigued) Pineapple?

Jesse: You can use the crushed kind, but I prefer to use the sliced kind. It just looks better. Now you throw it in a preheated oven at 400°

Daria: How long does it take to cook?

Jesse: 15 - 20 minutes. You have to watch it. I don't make it the same way every time, so you have to watch it. You just take it out when the crust is golden brown and all the cheese looks melted.

Daria: You just kind of leave it loose, huh?

Jesse: Yeah.9
Scene 3. NO! (no!) SLEEP (sleep) `TILL Pittsburgh!10

Later, the empty pan sits on the counter, Mystik Spiral, Danny, Jane and Daria sit around the room.
Jane: I have to admit..that was really good.

Daria: Yep, that Jesse will make someone a good husband someday...(Mona Lisa smile)

Jane: Remind me to kill you later.

Daria: Noted and logged. So, Danny, how are you supposed to lug around all of Mystik Spiral's stuff anyway?

Danny: No problem. I got a handtruck.

Jane: What band are they opening for again?

Daria: The Dead Milkmen.

Jane: Didn't they break up or something?

Daria: Yep, it's somewhat of a comeback tour.11

Jane: And they're gonna practice 'till we get to Pittsburgh?

Daria: Yep, approximately 3 hours from now.


Daria & Jane look at each other, then get out earplugs & put them in. They move to the couch in the back of the bus and commence reading. Mystik Spiral starts to practice as we fade out.

Scene 4. What's the cast of Lawndale! up to?

We get a long camera shot of the downstairs portion of the bus. It's a typical bus, with 2 captain's chairs on each side of the isle. At the rear is a rather large (for a bus) bathroom. In the front of the bus we see Ms. Li with one of those spy magazine listening devises (you hold it in your hand, it looks like a satellite or something, and it amplifies sound) she has headphones on, and it is obvious that she's trying to listen in on what's going on upstairs. She mutters something (Dam soundproofing) and adjusts the volume to max. Coincidentally, this is when Mystik Spiral starts to practice. Suddenly Ms. Li gets a jarred look on her face & whips the headphones off. Ms. Defoe is sitting next to Ms. Li, reading Art world a closeup reveals why she is holding the magazine up so far. She's laughing at Ms. Li. Beside them are Ms. Barch & Mr. O'Neill. They're both asleep and sharing a blanket. There are a few empty rows of seats, then we see Mack & Jodie (who appear to be fighting) Kevin & Brittany (who appear to be wrestling, but I doubt that's what they're doing!) across from them is Upchuck, who looks as if he wishes he had his camcorder. The next row is Ted DeWitt-Clinton & the 3 J's, who are playing one of those gameboy games that lets you wire 4 gameboys together. Andrea is 2 rows behind them, sitting by herself reading a medium-sized hardcover book. Behind here you'll see those mysterious, nameless students that always appear in the background at Lawndale High, but never say anything. Except that one of them is Brooke. Clear in the final row of seats, before the bathroom, is Stacy. She's reading a band flyer. We assume (correctly) that the rest of the Fashion Club is in the bathroom taking care of their grooming rituals. The camera zooms in so we can see the flyer. It's an announcement for the Dead Milkmen comeback tour. We see in much smaller print toward the bottom: opening act: Mystik Spiral
Stacy: Oh man! I'd LOVE to see The Dead Milkmen! (she hears the bathroom door open) EEP! (she quickly puts the flyer away and whips out a copy of Waif she pretends to be reading it as the Fashion Club approaches).

Sandi: So after the play or whatever we'll all be going to see the Chipendales.

Stacy: Really? I love those cartoons. Especially the ones where Donald Duck is chasing...

Sandi: (interrupting) Stacy talking about cartoons is soo geeky. The Chipendales I am referring to are male strippers.

Tiffany: Yeah.

Stacy: Is that a good idea? I mean, won't they notice that we're underage?

Quinn: God Stacy, live a little! You finally get away from your parents! Don't you want to do something exciting?

Tiffany: Yeah Stacy it'll be fun.

Sandi: Stacy, as a member of the fashion club, it is your DUTY to come to the strip club with us.

Stacy: Could I just meet you guys there? I told my mom I'd take some pictures for her...

Quinn: Geez Stacy couldn't you just....

Sandi: No, Stacy is right. Take pictures for your mom. But don't forget to meet us at The Strip Bar at 11:00.

Stacy: (sounds relieved) OK, I'll be there.
(Fade out)

Scene 5. Jane reveals her illegal source of income.

Back upstairs again. Daria & Jane are sitting in a couch in the upstairs of the bus.
Jane: I hear there's this great place to buy bootleg videos & cds pretty close to the club where Mystik Spiral is playing. (she casually pulls out a big wad of money).

Daria: Where'd you get all that money?

Jane: A side business of mine. Producing Fake IDs.
Jane now pulls out an ID. A close up shows it is exactly like the one Daria showed in Speedtrapped, including the horrible photo. Daria picks it up & examines it.
Daria: This looks exactly like my real one. Except is says I was born in 1977. Do I really look 22?

Jane: Does Val really look 19? (Daria gives her a look) OK but don't sweat it. All they ever look at is the year. They don't look at you. And I'm not even going to charge you for it.

Daria: Great, so when we're arrested, I'll just say, 'officer I didn't buy a false ID. It was a gift.' Maybe they'll shorten my sentence if I turn evidence on you.

Jane: (Threatening 'jailbird' voice) Just remember, snitches get stitches.

Daria: But they'll put me in the Witness Relocation Program. And you KNOW that's a dream come true for me.

Jane: I'll take my chances. Come on Daria! Live a little.
Daria's undoubtedly sarcastic reply is cut off by:
Otto: (over the intercom) OK people, welcome to Pittsburgh. We're at your hotel now. You've got an hour to unpack and get settled in. Then I'll take the Lawndale! cast to Heinz Hall for their play, then I'll drop Mystik Spiral off at Metropol.

Daria: I hear we lost the coin toss. (Jane nods) So we'll be sleeping in the bus?

Jane: Only 1 hotel room. Unless you want to sleep with Mystik Spiral.

Daria: (long pause) Oh I'm sorry, I was waiting for your usual sexual innuendo.

Jane: Aw, I thought I'd let that one go. Too easy.

Daria: Swell, so we have nothing to do for an hour?

Jane: Yep. If this was a TV show, this would be a great place to put the commercial.

Daria: (Shaking her head) Shut up, Jane.
The Bumper shows Daria watching Jesse pull everything out of the refrigerator.

Commercial Break:

I hate to admit it but I haven't been watching enough TV to go off on their commercials. probably because all my time is spent on this stupid computer. Of course I could mention how ugly some web page's banners are. (if you've seen the one for Daria's Rubber Room, you know what I'm talking about. Man, it's HIDEOUS!!) but the only TV commercial that really annoyed me lately is for Subway, that has local celeb Myron Cope. Man that guy drives me nuts!

End of Commercials.


ACT II. Let's Get F**ked up 12


Scene 1. Metropol 13

The inside of Metropol. There is a stage, dance floor, and a bar, which is untended because this is an 'all ages' show. There is another bar upstairs. A security guy sits at the top of the stairs to check ID. Danny and Mystik Spiral are on stage setting up. A few people are milling around, but not many.
Jane: Why don't we go upstairs to the bar?

Daria: (nervous) Jane, no one is going to believe I'm 22.

Jane: Don't be so timid Daria (Jane has learned which buttons to press). They just look at the date not at the person, come on!
Jane drags Daria up the stairs. She shows her ID to the security guy, who lets her pass.14 Daria is visibly nervous as he looks at hers, but he just glances at it and lets her by. Their are more people up here. Their are several tables over by the edge of the upstairs, that look down over the stage. All of the tables are full. There is one table in the corner (the best spot for watching the bands) occupied by a tall guy wearing a 'Don't Blame Me, I voted for Bill & Opus' T-shirt. He has a beer belly & has a pitcher in front of him. At the table next to him is a familiar looking dark haired girl. It's Stacy, but she's not dressed as we're used to seeing her. She has on a black t-shirt, and her hair is down. Daria & Jane walk over to her table and sit down with her.
Jane: Mind if we join you?

Stacy: (starts to hyperventilate) Oh no. You won't tell Sandi you saw me here, will you? Because if she finds out I was here...like this she'd throw me out of the Fashion Club, and then I'd just die!

Jane: When do WE ever talk to Sandi?

Stacy: So you won't say anything?

Daria: Nope. What ARE you doing here, anyway?

Stacy: I LOVE The Dead Milkmen! I have all their albums. So why are you guys here?

Jane: That's my brother's band thats on stage now. Daria is their manager.
Mystik Spiral begins to play at this point. They play a song we're not familiar with, and it is obvious that their practicing has paid off. They sound a lot better. Normally at this club, you'd never be able to carry on a conversation while the band is playing, but through the magic of fanfics the girls are able to keep talking, and the Mystik Spiral music plays in the background.
Stacy: They're not too bad. Too bad the crowd isn't getting into them more.
A quick pan of the dance floor shows more people milling around, but no one is 'moshing'. Most seem to be ignoring the band.
Jane: Sheesh! What's with these people?

Voice: (from offscreen)Oh that's just a Pittsburgh tradition.
The camera pans to show the source of the voice. It's the guy in the corner seat (let's call him 'CN')15
Jane: How's that?

CN: I said it's a Pittsburgh tradition to ignore the opening band. That and putting coleslaw and french fries right on your sandwich.

Stacy: EWW! Coleslaw & french fries on a sandwich? Gross!
At this point a waitress approaches.
Waitress: If you girls are gonna use this table, you'll have to order drinks.

Daria: (glairing at Jane) I'm not ordering anything.

CN: Don't worry, you girls can join me. (sees their apprehensive looks) Don't worry, I'm harmless. (to the waitress) Tell the barkeep to bring me another pitcher of Nectar of the Gods, and 3 more cups.

Waitress: Nectar of the Gods?

CN: He knows what it is.

Jane: (As the waitress leaves) What is it?

CN: 50% Pepsi and 50% Mountain Dew. I can't go long without it. (the waitress returns, CN fills up four glasses and takes a big drink from his cup) Ahh, that hits the spot.

Jane: (cautiously takes a sip) Hey! That's not bad!

Stacy: So why aren't you drinking?

CN: Well, when you get to a certain age, the idea of going out and getting wasted loses it's appeal. Basically, I'm too old for that crap.

Daria: So what are you doing here at all?

CN: Well I saw them on their last tour, and I promised myself that if they ever toured again I wouldn't miss it. So here I am. (he looks toward the stage) And there they are!
The camera pans to the stage. The Dead Milkmen have set up on the stage. They open with The Thing That Only Eats Hippies.
CN: OOH. That's my favorite!

Stacy: Mine is Punk Rock Girl.

Daria: Punk Rock Girl?....
Daria is swept into a Beavis & Butt-Head flashback. She is at the house with them. The dorky duo is on the couch, watching the video for Punk Rock Girl.
Beavis: Hey Butt-Head. I bet I could kick the singer's ass.

Butt-Head: Yeah. He's probably the only singer who's ass you could kick.

Beavis: Shut up Butt-Head!
The flashback ends 16 Daria looks annoyed
Daria: (To herself) Dam Highland flashbacks.

Stacy: So what other sights are there to see in Pittsburgh.

CN: Well, you could ride the incline up to the top of Mt. Washington.

Jane: The Incline?

CN: It's a little trolly car that goes up a track running along the side of the mountain. At the top there is an observation deck that lets you look out over the city. The city looks pretty good. (pause) In the dark.

Jane: (notices the band has stopped, looks at watch) Why are they stopping so early? It's only 10:00!

CN: House rules. They want to hustle the all ages crowd out so they can have their 'Disco Party'. They can also sell more booze & make more money. Anyway it works out for me, as I get to go home and tuck my son in.

Jane: YOU have a family?

CN: Yep (flips open his wallet to reveal an adorable baby picture) see?

Stacy: Aww. He's such a cutiepie.

Daria: Yep, that's a baby alright.

CN: Well see you around. (he leaves)

Jane: What a Crazy guy.

Daria: Yep, a real Nutso.

Stacy: (glances at watch) Oops, I got to get going. See ya!
Stacy races into the bathroom. Daria collects the pay for the band, and they meet the band in the front of the club.
Trent: Hey Janey, Daria. Me & the guys are going to go out and celebrate. You guys want to come along?

Daria: We'll pass. We'll see ya later. (she notices Stacy leaving the club. Stacy has her hair tied back, and she looks like she always does). Come on Jane, let's follow her.

Jane: Why?

Daria: She'll lead us to the Fashion Club. And an opportunity for total humiliation of Quinn.

Jane: Good enough for me.
They follow Stacy. (fade out)

Scene 2. The real short scene.

Stacy gets to The Strip Bar. She glances at her watch. It reads 11:23. She rushes in. Daria & Jane are right behind her.
Jane: Hmm a strip bar. This ought to be good. Coming in Daria?

Daria: Oh, what the hell.
Daria and Jane enter The Strip Bar as the bumper comes up. It shows Stacy hyperventilating. (I told you it was a short scene!)

Commercial Break:

It's Daria & Jane in Jane's room again!
Daria: Well, here we are again with another pointless public service announcement.

Jane: Isn't this episode about the evils of drinking enough?

Daria: No, we've really got to beat them over the head with the moral to make Congress happy. Anyhow, I believe It was Epicurus the Philosopher who said that all things should be taken in moderation...

Jane: (Interrupting) Wait a minute. The high school kids go on a bus trip, and everyone gets wasted....That was an episode of Blossom, too!

Daria: Jane, will you give up this stupid Blossom theory of yours.

Jane: Your just mad because I'm Blossom and you're Six.

Daria: What? Why am I Six?

Jane: (triumphantly) Because you've got a crush on my older brother, and Six had a crush on Blossom's older brother.

Daria: That's it. I'm out of here. (she leaves)

Jane: But what about the public service announcement?

Trent: (walking in) And now you know, and knowing is half the battle!
End of Commercials.


ACT III. Make a break for it!


Scene 1. Strip club.

Daria and Jane are in the club. Jane is looking around when suddenly....
Daria: EEP!

Jane: What? (she follows Daria's gaze. We see that Ms. Li & Ms. DeFoe are entering the club. Ms. DeFoe sees Jane & Daria. The camera move in on the educators.)

Ms. Defoe: Angela, I think I left my purse in the car. could you come out and open it for me? I don't think I can remember how to deactivate the security system you insisted on at the rental place.

Ms. Li: Oh bother. (As the two are leaving, Ms DeFoe makes shooing gestures at Jane & Daria)

Jane: We've got to get out of here!

Daria: (sighs) And I suppose we should get the Fashion Club out too. (They start to search the club for the Fashion Club. Suddenly a familiar, yet drunk, voice interrupts them)

Jodie: (Jodie looks VERY drunk, and their are many bottles in front of her) Hey Daria how's it goein?

Daria: Jodie we've got to get out of here NOW. Ms. Li will be back any second.

Jodie: OK, but you're gonna hav'ta carry me.

Daria: Why?

Jodie: 'Cause I'm about to pass....(she slumps forward on the table)

Daria: Oh great, now one of us will have to carry her while the other gets the Fashion Club.

Jane: Well, you owe me a favor 'cause I distracted Upchuck17 for you so I'll carry Jodie. (she puts Jodie into a 'fireman's carry' and heads for the rear exit. Daria sees the Fashion Club seated at a table. There's a bunch of bottles on this table too.)

Daria: (sitting at the table with the Fashion Club) You all have to get out of here now.

Quinn: (Sees Daria) EEP!

Sandi: Quinn's cousin or whatever (she sounds VERY drunk) what are you doing here?

Daria: Saving your bacon. Look over at the entrance.

Sandi: (Looks up. Shown from her perspective, we first see a blur, then 4 images, then 2 and finally just one image that's clear enough so we can tell it's Ms. Li) EEP!
Daria herds the Fashion Club out the back door.

Fade out.

Scene 2. The Dark Alley.

It's a dark alley. Jane is still carrying Jodie. Daria is trying to get the Fashion Club to move faster. We see a movement to the right of Daria. Something comes out of the darkness toward her. She quickly pulls her stun gun out of it's leather pouch on her belt. We hear a zap as the mysterious man goes down.
Daria: (looking at her assailant) It's Upchuck.

Jane: A little fast with that stun gun, aren't we?

Daria: I wouldn't worry about it. (she goes through his pockets) Ah, his keys.

Jane: That's right, he rented a mini van, didn't he?

Daria: And there it is. (She opens the van and herds the Fashion Club into it) I suppose I can't just leave Upchuck there. Jane puts Jodie into the van, then helps Daria drag Upchuck in. Daria is looking at the camera) if only...(She sees some older girls walking by) Hey, you?

Girl: Me?

Daria: Yeah you. Could you do us a favor? We have a friend in the strip club here, and we want to video tape her watching the strippers, but we have to drive our drunken friends here home. So would you mind videotaping her for us? We'll give you $20 now and another $50 when we pick it up at 1:00AM.

Girl: Ok, what's your friend look like?

Daria: She's an older, oriental women with glasses and wearing a pantsuit. she'll be sitting next to a red-headed women wearing really big jewelry. (Daria opens Upchuck's wallet and hands the girl a twenty, and the video camera.) Thanks, see you at 1.

Girl: No problem. (she goes inside The Strip Bar)

Jane: (in the passenger seat, as Daria is climbing in) What makes you think that girl won't just run off with Upchuck's video camera?

Daria: What makes you think I care?
The van takes off. Fade out.

Scene 3. The hotel.

The van pulls into the parking lot of what is obviously a cheap motel. The tour bus is in the lot.
Daria: Let's put Jodie in the bus. I don't want her roommate ratting her out to Ms. Li. Plus we can get Danny's handtruck to carry the rest of them into their motel rooms.

Jane: Great! (They carry Jodie into the bus. They put her on the couch, then they notice Danny passed out on the floor. Next to him are 3 beer bottles.) Whoops! I'd better dispose of these. (She tosses the bottles into the trash) Jesse would kill him if he caught him drinking.

Daria: And you're covering for him . That's so sweet!

Jane: Remind me to beat you later.

Daria: Fine, You have to beat me, then kill me.

Jane: It's a date.
Jane & Daria get the handtruck. They wrap a blanket around it so they can use it to cart people. They put Upchuck on it and are wheeling it toward the motel rooms. They see Mack & Kevin dragging Jeffy.
Mack: I can't believe these three idiots all pass out. And we get stuck carrying them back to their rooms.

Kevin: Relax Mack Daddy, this is the last one.

Mack: (sounds slightly drunk & very angry) I TOLD YOU DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!

Kevin: Don't call you what, Mack Daddy?

Mack: (Punches Kevin right on the chin, knocking him out)

Daria: (offscreen) Well that was stupid.

Mack: (still sounds mad) WHAT?

Daria: (coming up to him) Now you've got to carry him in too. (sees Mack is calming down) bet it felt good, though.

Mack: (sighs) Yeah, it did. What happened to Upchuck?

Jane: He made the mistake of coming on to Daria and she took him out with her stun gun.

Daria: Yep. You want to give us a hand? We'll let you use the handtruck for those two.

Mack: OK. (using the handtruck, they quickly get Upchuck, Kevin and Jeffy into their rooms) You guys didn't happen to see Jodie tonight, did you?

Jane: Yeah, she was pretty wasted too, so we put her in the bus.

Mack: We kind of had a fight...

Jane: I figured. Come upstairs tomorrow after we've pulled out of Pittsburgh. You guys can talk then.

Mack: Thanks, you guys. (he closes his door.)

Jane: We screwed up. We should have put Upchuck in bed with the fashion club.

Daria: That would be too cruel, even for us. (they get back to the van. Stacy is awake, and pushes Quinn on the handtruck. Daria carries Sandi, while Jane carries Tiffany.) OK, Stacy where do we put them?

Stacy: Sandi's in my room, Quinn & Tiffany are over there. (She pushes the handtruck into Quinn's room. Jane goes in with Tiffany. Stacy opens the door of her room, and gets into her bed.)

Daria: Um, Stacy, a little help here...(Daria loses her balance and falls, so that her and Sandi end up in bed together. Daria is trying to pull herself loose from Sandi)

Sandi: (eyes still closed) No Thomas, I'm NOT that kind of girl. (Daria is still trying to get untangled from Sandi) Very well Skylar, but only because you mean so much to me. (Sandi rolls over so she's on top of Daria)

Daria: (looking appalled & amused at the same time. she does her best Upchuck impersonation) My name is Charles.

Sandi: (Sandi leaps backwards off the bed, taking all the covers with her fortunately, because she lands in a tangled heap, unhurt but tangled up in the blanket. Daria & Stacy both are quietly laughing, but they get it under control before Sandi untangles herself. Stacy pretends to be asleep. Daria is sitting on the edge of the bed) Quinn's cousin? What were you...were we doing in bed together?

Daria: (coldly) You should know. It was your idea. But if you can't even remember my name, I'm leaving. And don't think you'll ever sweet talk me into your bed again! (Daria leaves)

Sandi: Stacy.. are you awake...STACY (Stacy is pretending to be asleep) Oh my god I must have been really drunk. I hope I don't remember this in the morning! (She climbs into bed. Camera moves to outside the motel.)

Jane: So what's that smirk about?

Daria: Nothing important. Let's see if we can get Upchuck's video Camera back.
They drive back to the bar. The girl sees them and waves.
Girl: Here's your camera back.

Daria: Thanks, and here's your $50.

Girl: Naw you keep it. I've never laughed so hard in my life! Wait till you see that tape! Your friend is a wild women!

Jane: Well, we've managed to obtain yet another piece of blackmail material.

Daria: All in all a profitable night. (they drive off.)
Scene 4. The aftermath.

The camera pans over everyone in the downstairs part of the bus. They all look hung over, with the possible exception of Ms. Barch & Mr. O'Neill. They both look tired & happy, and it's probably best not to think about why. The fashion Club looks like hell, and they're so hung over they don't even care. The upstairs of the tour bus. Mystik Spiral are sleeping on the floor. They look like they just fell asleep where they fell over. Danny has been moved to the couch in the front of the bus, and he has a blanket over him. Jodie is laying on the floor in the middle of the bus, looking out through the moon roof.
Daria: So how do you feel?

Jodie: Hung over. What did you expect?

Daria: What are you doing?

Jodie: Looking at shapes in the clouds.

Daria: Why don't we move over to the couch? More private.

Jodie: Ok (they go over) so I guess you're wondering what happened to me last night.

Daria: The thought had crossed my mind.

Jodie: I just realized I didn't have to do everything now. My dads miles away & he can't watch me and push me from there. So I cut loose.

Daria: And fought with Mack?

Jodie: (sighs) I'm confused about him. I mean, he's such a nice guy and all, but I just wonder if I date him because he's nice, or because he's captain of the football team?

Daria: Well, he is a nice guy, and he's put up with being at the bottom of your list of what's important for some time, (Jodie looks startled at this, but seems to realize it's true) and he's still interested in you. (she points to the front of the bus, where Jane is letting Mack up through the door over the stairs) Talk to him. You can pull this curtain (points) for privacy.

Jodie: Thanks, Daria.

Daria: Don't mention it. (she heads for the front of the bus)

Jane: (to Mack) I call it "Jonestown, the day after" (camera shows her painting, which shows all the members of Mystik Spiral lying on the floor like corpses)

Daria: I guess Otto wouldn't let her draw the chalk outlines.

Jane: No, but he liked the idea.

Daria: (to Mack) She wants to talk. Good luck.

Mack: Thanks, Daria. For everything. (he goes to the back of the bus. We see him pull the curtain, then we see him (through the curtain) sit next to Jodie on the couch. After a while Jodie puts her arm around him)

Jane: Isn't that sweet?

Daria: Sure. What are you drinking?

Jane: (sounds guilty) Nectar of the Gods. This stuff is addictive! Gee, seems like you're the only one who didn't get carried away.

Daria: (Holds her stomach, makes a pained noise)

Jane: What's the matter?

Daria: I think I ate too much of Jesse's gutbuster pizza.
Fadeout. End credits music: Wasted Rock Ranger by Great White

Makeovers: (Blues Brothers themed)

Daria & Jane as Jake & Ellwood.

The fashion club as Illinois Nazis

Ms Barch as Carrie Fisher's character, holding a machine gun

<Finí>


Footnotes:

  1. Hey look! I've stolen another idea from Peter Guerin!
  2. From The Invitation
  3. From Run, Jane, Run
  4. From Daria Dance Party
  5. From the ever popular Depth takes a Holiday
  6. This is a common shipper belief. Where do they get this stuff?
  7. From Jane's Addition
  8. This recipe and many more will be available in the upcoming Cooking with Daria cookbook. No wait, that's a joke. never mind.
  9. Ok, if anyone is foolhardy enough to try to make gutbuster pizza, the author is NOT responsible for any heart attacks, obesity or other problems.
  10. I'm assuming that Lawndale is on the East Coast. But I may be making an ass out of you and me. or something.
  11. Sadly, The Dead Milkmen have broken up, and I've heard no news of a reunion. But I can dream, can't I?
  12. Sorry about the profanity, but its a cramps song. And I love the cramps!
  13. This is a real club in Pittsburgh, unless you're a lawyer, then it's just an odd coincidence.
  14. Forget it kids! In a real bar a fake ID will immediately be spotted and you will be arrested and turned over to your parents, who will ground you. Just wait until you reach the age of 21 before you drink, at which point you will magically be endowed with the maturity to handle drinking.
  15. Of course this 'Mary Jane' character isn't me! Only a total egomaniac or dork would write himself into a fanfic! He's just a character I MADE UP to help move the plot along! Honest!
  16. Taken from one of the few episodes of Beavis & Butt-Head I've seen.
  17. What you mean you haven't read Magical Mystic Spiral Tour? Then you didn't get this reference, did you?


Author's notes:

Well that's ep. 1 of The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series. I expect to do 5 more of these. The 5th one will be the return to Lawndale. I hope you've enjoyed this, feel free to E-mail your opinions to me.