Daria: The Hunter


A Daria Fan Fiction/Halloween special.

By Crazy Nutso

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction (or a desperate plea for help....you be the judge) Daria & her amazing friends are ™ and © MTV. Daria and all other characters belong to MTV, but were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis . Doesn't that just suck? All music, pop culture references, and the like are probably ® ™ and © also but I'm to damn lazy to look it up. Used without permission...Please don't sue me :>]



The traditional opening begins, but you'll notice things are SPOOOKIER. You know, big cobwebs, bats flying around that kind of thing.

The Logo screen reads: Daria in: "Daria: The Hunter".


ACT I. Death of Aunt Amy

Scene 1. STOP Haunting me!

We see the inside of Daria's room. It's obviously night, and the light is coming from a mysterious glow. The camera zooms in on Daria, who is asleep. The glowing grows brighter, as if whatever It is that is glowing is approaching Daria. Suddenly a mysterious voice cries out:
voice: Daria! Wake up!

(Daria jolts awake. She puts on her glasses and looks directly at the camera (ie, at the glowing thing) The camera pans back to reveal the glowing thing is...)

Daria: Aunt Amy? What are you doing here? And why are you glowing like that?

Aunt Amy: This will be hard for you to understand, Daria but you must believe me. I was killed last night. What you see before you is my spirit.

Daria: Ok, I get it. I'm dreaming. (Daria reaches for a lamp).

Aunt Amy: Don't....(The light goes on, and the ghostly Aunt Amy disappears) (faint) turn the light back off.

Daria: (she turns the light off, and Aunt Amy reappears). Stupid dream.

Aunt Amy: This is NOT a ...(Sees that Daria's not buying it) OK fine, It's a dream. Now why don't you follow me through this magic portal I've put in your closet.

Daria: Magic portal? Man I never have stupid dreams like this. (She opens the closet door, to reveal a glowing portal) I'm not going in there.

Aunt Amy: Ok fine. We'll just sit around here in your bedroom until Trent shows up. You HAVE had THOSE kinds of dreams, haven't you?

Daria: (blushing) Well yes but not with YOU here. Umm...Maybe I'll go through the portal after all.

Aunt Amy: (to herself) Works every time.
Daria steps through the glowing portal in her closet and is transported to.....the next scene!

Scene 2. Aunt Amy's secret Lair

 Daria finds herself in a large gym. There are all kinds of exercise equipment, weapons, bookshelves filled with books, computers and other stuff. It's reminiscent of the batcave, but It's not in a cave, and their aren't any bats around. Once again Daria is confronted by the glowing Aunt Amy.
Daria: What is this place?

Aunt Amy: This is my lair. Where I do my research, training, store my weapons, and also relax.

Daria: But where exactly is it?

Aunt Amy: In a ' pocket dimension '. The science of it is a little hard to explain...

Daria: Meaning you don't know.

Aunt Amy: Right. My mentor didn't know either. Anyhow this is where you'll train to become a mamano hunter, as I was.

Daria: mamano hunter? What's that?

Aunt Amy: A mamano hunter is someone who hunts and kills monsters. You know vampires, golems, zombies...

Daria: (looking at Aunt Amy's ghost) What about ghosts?

Aunt Amy: (oblivious) No we can't go after ghosts. That's a whole different union. I can't begin to tell you the trouble we'd be in if we went after ghosts...(catches on to what Daria was thinking) HEY! Forget it! (smugly)There's an agreement between the mamano hunters and the Ghost catcher's union, which keeps them from getting rid of mentor ghosts. Which is what I am to you. I had intended to start your training this summer, but I died before I got a chance. From now on, you may address me as 'Amy' or 'Mentor'.

Daria: So basically what you're saying is you want me to take over your mamano hunting job?

Amy: Yes.

Daria: How much does it pay?

Amy: (sounds outraged) PAY?

Daria: Well, a girl's got to eat.

Amy: I'm offering you the opportunity to protect mankind from evil and all you can ask about is the pay?

Daria: Have you seen mankind lately?

Amy: The opportunity to be in peak physical and mental condition. Access to ancient and modern wisdom beyond anything you've dreamed. Mystical power!

Daria: What about health benefits?

Amy: As a mamano hunter, you'd be granted near immortality!

Daria: (looks pointedly at Amy's ghost) Oh really?

Amy: Ok, Ok you can be killed but you WON'T age!

Daria: Wow, mom & Quinn would do it just for that.

Amy: (sighs) Look Daria, it's already been a hard night for me, getting killed and all. Why don't you go back to your room, sleep the rest of the night and we'll discuss it tomorrow night.

Daria: Fine. (to herself) I've got to stop eating Dad's cooking. It's giving me weird dreams. (She steps into the glowing portal and disappears. Camera pan to Amy's Ghost)

Amy: This is going to be harder than I thought.
The Scene fades out to black.

Scene 3. Morning in the 'Burbs

 Daria's room. We see from the light streaming into the room that It's morning. Daria wakes up, and looks around the room. She goes slowly over to the closet. Standing back slightly, she opens to door. There is nothing there.
Daria: Whew, just a stupid dream.

Helen: (through the bedroom door) Daria? Are you up?

Daria: (opens the door, Helen comes in. Helen looks a bit ruffled) I'm awake. What's going on?

Helen: Sweety I just got a call from your Aunt Rita. It seems your Aunt Amy was in some kind of accident.

Daria: You mean she's dead?

Helen: (Sounds surprised) Yes, honey, I'm afraid so. Your father and I will have to be out of town for a few weeks. Amy apparently had her funeral all planned out, and she's flying Rita, your father, me and your grandmother out to Santa Monica, CA for her funeral. Plus she wanted me to take care of her estate. We might be gone for a while.

Daria: (Sounds shocked) How did this happen?

Helen: We're not sure, Daria. The body was found in a field in Ohio. No one knows what she was doing there. She appears to have been mauled by some large animal. It's all very strange. But anyhow, We have to go and do this. Since you girls are still in school, you'll have to stay here.

Daria: You mean I have to babysit Quinn?

Helen: No, she's asked to stay with Sandi, and I've agreed. I've also asked Mrs. Lane to look in on you, so you won't have to worry. We'll be gone before you get back from school, so take care.
Daria looks completely out of it. We see a montage of the day's events including:



Amy: Do you think you could turn off the lights?

Daria: Amy? (she quickly turns off the lights, and the glowing Amy appears) What's going on here?

Amy: So do you realize this isn't a dream now?

Daria: Yes, it's not a dream. (beat) My mind has snapped.

Amy: Your mind hasn't snapped Daria. Look let's discuss this in the lair.

Daria: But the portal was gone.

Amy: It's only visible when I want it to be. When you learn to create your own portals, then you'll understand.

Daria: Fine.
Daria goes upstairs and opens her closet, revealing a glowing portal. She steps through.

Scene 3. Back to the lair.

 It's the same as it was before. Daria is now looking at the books on the shelf.
Amy: So are you ready to begin the training?

Daria: Wait a minute. I never said...

Amy: Look Daria, I know this is all strange to you, but we have to get the training started. Halloween is in 2 weeks, and you have to be ready by then.

Daria: But I'm not sure if I want...

Amy: (Sighs) I was hoping you wouldn't force me to do this but...(singing) I remember all my life...

Daria: What are you doing?

Amy: (singing)raining down as cold as ice
shadows of a man
a face through a window

(at this point MTV thoughtfully adds in the music in the background)

lying in the night
the night goes into
morning, just another day
happy people pass my way.
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
how happy you made me
OH MANDY
well you came and you gave
without taking
but I sent you away...

Daria: STOP! Why are you singing Barry Manilow?

Amy: Because if you don't agree to be a Mamano hunter, I'm going to sing to you for every second of your lousy stinking life.

Daria: You make a persuasive argument, Amy. (Sighs) Fine, I'll go through the stupid training.

Amy: Your enthusiasm is staggering. Let's get started.


Time for yet another montage. This time it's Daria getting her Mamano hunter training.

We see Daria & Amy standing in the lair.
Amy: Well let's see if you can open a portal.

Daria: OK, but how do I know where it'll lead?

Amy: Just concentrate, and we'll see. And don't forget to take some weapons.

Daria: Say, how come I come here and train all night, but I still go to school all day and I'm never tired?

Amy: That's one of the advantages of being a Mamano hunter. You don't need sleep.

Daria: Great. I guess that's so I can work a day job, huh?

Amy: (sighs) Look, let's just get through the portal, OK?


Daria makes mystical gestures and a magic portal appears. Daria enters and is magically transported to...the next scene.

Scene 4. Thriller!

 We see Daria coming out of a portal. Then the portal disappears. We see that she is in a cemetary. Aunt Amy appears at her side.
Amy: (quietly) You were thinking about me, weren't you?

Daria: Yes.

Amy: Well you might as well see the stone.

(The camera zooms in on a fresh grave. The stone reads "She lived fast, loved hard, and died with her boots on.")

Daria: Nice inscription.

Amy: Thanks, I bet your mom hated it! Uh oh!

Daria: What's the matter?

Amy: Look! (she points, and we see a crowd of zombies approaching) You did bring a weapon, didn't you?

Daria: Sure. (She pulls out a big, old west 6-shooter) yeah just go for the heads, right?

Amy: Yeah (notices the gun) A 6-shooter? What were you thinking? There's at least 20 of them.

Daria: Watch & Learn, mentor. (Daria fires of 6 shots rapidly. We see 6 zombies drop)

Amy: So now what smarty pants?

Daria: (Pulls a sword out from a holder on her back) Now it gets personal.


Daria holds the sword over her head and runs at the zombies. You'll notice that the zombies she killed fell down, leaving a nice path right through the middle of the crowd of zombies. She runs through the crowd twice, back and fourth through the holes she made, swinging her sword. As she emerges, she puts her sword away. The camera pans to the zombies, who look normal for a minute, then all their heads fall off.
Daria: (Looking completely at ease) Not bad, huh?

Amy: Not bad....for a rookie.

Daria: (glares) Do we have to clean this mess up?

Amy: (points, we see the zombies are all gone) They dissolve into dust after a few minutes. Thats why civilians rarely see monsters. Let's head back to the lair.


Daria opens a portal, and steps through.

Commercials:

Zit medication. Those sticky pads that pull gross stuff off your face. More zit medicine. Nair. M-TV's latest show about Brittany Spears (they have a million of these) that they're going to put on instead of Daria reruns. Still more zit medication.

end 'o commercials

ACT II. SPOOKY!

Scene 1. Halloween Day, after school.

 Daria is walking home from school. We see Jane run up and join her.
Jane: Hey! Daria! Wait up. Where have you been all week?

Daria: (sounds guilty, realizes she hasn't seen much of Jane during her training). Oh, well I've been kind of busy lately, Jane...Sorry.

Jane: (sounds concerned) That's OK, Daria. I heard about your Aunt Amy. How are you holding up?

Daria: I'm OK, I guess. (wants to change the subject) So you've been seeing a lot of Tom lately, haven't you?

Jane: Yes, but he thought it would be a good idea for me to see you tonight. So what do you want to do?

Daria: (torn, she wants to hang out with her friend, but she realizes she has her mamano responsibilities) why don't you just come over and hang out for a while?

Jane: Cool.

(They walk on to Daria's house. They go into the living room. Time passes, we now see it's dark outside, and the moon is just coming out.)

Jane: Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

Daria: Are you OK? You look funny. (We suddenly see Jane from Daria's perspective. Jane has a strange brown glow around her, and it's getting darker).

Jane: I don't know. I just feel so hot. And ITCHY!
Suddenly the camera shows the window, where the full moon is clearly visible. Camera pans back to Jane, who suddenly begins to transform. I was a Teenage Werewolf by The Cramps plays as Jane changes. Her face is suddenly covered in fur, and it expands to a wolf face. we see her hands turn into paws and large claws pop out. She looks at Daria and manages to say one thing before the transformation is complete:
Jane: (faint)sorry.
Suddenly Jane leaps at Daria, who, despite her shock, manages to grab her and toss her across the room.
Daria: Dammit! Amy! Aunt Amy! I need you!
Jane again leaps at Daria, and Daria throws her again, this time into a chair, which Jane tears to bits.
Daria: Dammit! I can't trash the house. Mom will kill me.
Using her mystic powers, Daria opens a portal and quickly leaps through it. Jane leaps after her.

Scene 2. Fight in the lair.

 I was a Teenage Werewolf by The Cramps is still playing. We see the lair, with an open portal. Suddenly Daria comes through. She quickly ducks down so she is right beneath the portal. Then Jane comes through in a leap. Daria catches Jane and hurls her at the far wall. As Jane is flying, Daria rummages around for something. Jane manages to turn in midair, hits the wall with her feet, and bounces off it. She goes flying at Daria. Daria hurls something at Jane. It unfurls in the air. It is a net, and it wraps around Jane. She drops to the floor.
Daria: Silver thread net. That will hold you for a while. The more you struggle, the worse entangled you'll become. (Jane makes unintelligible sounds, like an animal caught in a trap).

Amy: It's a werewolf Daria. You just stick a silver knife through it's heart, and PRESTO! no more werewolf.

Daria: (Glares at Amy) This particular werewolf HAPPENS to be my best friend. And where the HELL where you?

Amy: Something is blocking me from appearing in Lawndale. Something BIG is going down tonight.

Daria: Yeah, Yeah, my best friend just tried to kill me. It's a tough old world. AHA! Here we are. (she has been rummaging around through an old desk. She comes out with a hypodermic needle. She approaches Jane who is still struggling in the net. She sticks the needle in Jane, and injects her. In a few seconds, Jane is silent). Now, according to what I've read in these books of yours, Their are 2 basic types of werewolves. Normal and Drudges. A Drudge is someone who has just become a werewolf. They are subservient to whatever werewolf turned them into a werewolf. But if THAT werewolf is slain, the Drudge is freed.

Amy: (Thoughtful) Yeah, and whoever it is must be someone relatively new to this area. I swept the area for monsters not more than 6 months ago.

Daria: (shoving silver bullets into a six shooter) Then I know who it is. (more to herself then to Amy) This is gonna be SWEET.


Daria opens a mystic portal, and disappears through it.

Scene 3. Gratuitous cameos.

 Daria appears outside a sleazy looking bar. She goes inside. She sees Tom shooting pool. We see from her perspective that he has that brown glow around him. He turns around and sees her just as she reaches him.
Tom: Daria? I'm surprised to see you here.

Daria: Surprised to see me here alive, you mean. (she pulls the gun)

Tom: (mocking look on his face) What kind of gun can kill a werewolf?

Daria: One that fires silver bullets (She very nearly pulls the trigger, but Tom knocks it out of her hand before she can. He has transformed into a wolf almost instantly. She kicks him hard in the face, and he is knocked back. Daria spins around to look for her gun. Tom leaps after her, and just as his claws are preparing to tear into her back we hear:)

Voice: Take this you cheap pickup artist! (We hear several gunshots. One of them catches Tom in the heart, and he immediatly falls to the floor, then turns into dust.
The voice belongs to an older woman, who looks somewhat like an older version of Daria, but with contact lenses that work. She's wearing a white hat, and holding the gun.
Daria: Can I have my gun back, please?

Lady: (let's call her SBBED D.) Oh sure. Here. (she hands the gun to Daria).

Daria: Thanks. (Daria hurries out of the club.)

SBBED D.: (Yelling after Daria) Trent loves YOU! GO FOR IT!

Another voice: (let's call it 'CN') She didn't hear that.

SBBED D: How do you know?

CN: (Gives her a look) So did you enjoy that? (he gestures to the pile of dust)

SBBED D: YES! But I've got a feeling he'll be back.

CN: Look on the bright side. Maybe in season 4 they'll make him into a jerk.

SBBED D: (Hopefull) Do you really think so?

CN: (Serious) No.
The scene fades out, and the reader is left wondering what the &%$*# that was all about.

Scene 4. Back at the Morgendorffer home.

 Daria and Jane are back in the Morgendorffer living room. Jane is still covered in fur, but she isn't completely wolf-like either. She appears to be in full control again.
Jane: (pacing) I can't believe you left me there in that net. I can't believe I'm a werewolf. I can't believe my best friend is a vampire hunter....

Daria: mamano hunter.

Jane: Whatever. And I can't believe you talk to your dead aunt.

Daria: I can't believe I'm letting you shed all over our carpet. At least this night can't get any worse...
As if on cue, we see a bat briefly fly in front of the full moon as seen through the window. It resembles an emblem worn by a well known crime fighter, but not too much like it, 'cause we don't want to get sued. The bat crashes through the window, and transforms into a vampire. Daria grabs it by the throat and pins it to a wall. She is holding the vampire by her neck, and she has a wooden stake in the other hand. We see the vampire is Monique.
Daria: I'm about to make a lot of 'shippers' very happy.

Monique: NO! Wait! I have a message.

Daria: What's the message?

Monique: "We have Trent. Be at Cashmans in Cranberry Commons soon. Or we kill him. -Fashion club."

Daria: That's the whole message? there is nothing more for you to add?

Monique: Nope! (Daria plunges the stake into her heart) AHH!

Daria: Great, now I've got to clean vampire dust up, too.

Jane: But what about Trent.

Daria: We'll go get him. You can be my furry sidekick.

Jane: Thanks. But are you just gonna portal there?

Daria: No, I think we'll need some additional equipment. To the mamano hunter lair, Robin.

Jane: Don't call me Robin.


They step through a portal and disappear.

Scene 5. Back in the lair.

 Daria & Jane are in a different part of the lair. There's a computer, and a car covered by a tarp.
Daria: Hmm. they seem to have a lot of flunkies. (we see the computer screen. It is obviously the security camera at Cranberry commons. It shows numerous thugs with machine guns, patrolling the halls of the mall) They've got Trent right in front of Cashmans. This'll be a cinch.

Jane: A CINCH? Look at all those thugs!

Daria: Mortal thugs. And they've got Trent right next to that big window that leads outside. Ever see the movie Blues Brothers?

Jane: But what are we using for wheels.

Daria: The Bandit (She pulls the tarp off the car to reveal a Black '78 Pontiac Firebird w/ T-tops)

Jane: The Bandit?

Daria: Aunt Amy was big on naming things. Let's go!
Daria and Jane jump into the car. Daria opens a huge portal in front of the car, and she screeches the tires and enters the portal.

Scene 6. Along the way to the mall.

 Daria and Jane are in The Bandit rushing down the rode.
Jane: So what's the plan?

Daria: We crash through the window at Cashmans. You grab Trent, while I lay down cover fire.

Jane: (Sees Daria's AK-47) What're you packin'?

Daria: It fires an alternate of wooden bullets/silver bullets. I like to keep all my bases covered. You get Trent back into the car, then we make a quick trip around the mall, throwing out all of these things (she holds up a round thing)

Jane: What're those?

Daria: Explosives. They have little claws inside them that grip to whatever they hit when they're tossed. We'll set them all over the mall.

Jane: Cool! Well, there's the mall.

Daria: You ready?

Jane: I was BORN ready!

Daria: Let's hit it! (we see her hit some buttons on the panel, then she accelerates. We see the car headed toward the mall. As it approaches, all the lights in the parking lot go out. Daria's lights do not go on. We see the car headed straight for the big window in front of Cashmans).
Scene 7. BURN DOWN THE MALL!

 During this scene, Burn Down The Malls by Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper plays in the background. We see the front of Cashmans. The fashion club is there, as well as a bunch of flunkies (including the 3 j's). Trent is tied up and laying on a table. Some computer geeks are also there, working at computers, there are also security monitors set up, which Sandi is watching.
Sandi: Monique never came back. The hunter MUST have gotten the message. Do you see anything?

Geek: No. The lot is clear. (suddenly, the parking lot goes dark). Oh uh!

Sandi: Get those lights back up AT ONCE!

Geek: (Quickly pressing buttons) Someone's hacked the system! I've lost control!
The camera pans to the window of Cashmans. We can't see anything but darkness, but suddenly there is a flash of lightning, and we see The Bandit headed straight for the window. There is an enormous crash as the car comes flying through the window. We see the 3 j's run over (people are always getting run over in fanfics!) as The Bandit comes screeching to a halt.
Daria: Look upon me, creatures of evil, and despair for I am (Dramatic pause) Mamano Hunter Daria, and I am you DOOM! Prepare to die, creatures of Darkness!

Jane: (to Daria) What's that all about?

Daria: (to Jane) Union regulations. I have to make one cheesy speech every so often. Let's go!
Daria pops out of the T-top and opens fire with her machine gun. Jane leaps out of the car and races to where Trent is. She slashes 2 guards and the ropes with her claws, picks Trent up and rushes back to the car. She tosses Trent in the back.
Jane: Let's go!


Daria burns rubber. They drive throughout the mall, scattering flunkies and tossing the round explosive devices. Then they crash out through a different window, and speed across the parking lot. The camera shifts back to the fashion club. Sandi and the geek are looking at one of the round explosive devices.
Sandi: What is it?

Geek: It's an explosive!

Sandi: (worried) Can you defuse it?

Geek: It's not fused. These types of explosives requires a huge explosion to set it off.

Stacy: Would a T189 type missile be enough to set them all off?

Geek: Certainly, but where would Daria get... why do you ask?

Stacy: (Points at a security monitor)
We see on the monitor Daria, sitting on the driver's side door of The Bandit. She's holding a rocket launcher, and we see 'T189' printed clearly on the missile. Then the camera moves so we can see a close up of Daria. She has her 'Mona Lisa' smile on. Then we see the missile launch. It hits the center of the mall. There is an explosion there, then we see the whole mall go up in a huge fireball. Daria tosses the rocket launcher aside and gets back behind the wheel. She puts it in gear and takes off.
Jane: Hey what's the hurry? You don't think anyone survived that do you?

Daria: Fire doesn't stop vampires, See? (Daria points to the rear view mirror, which shows us some bats chasing the car). Take the wheel! (Daria pulls a gun out of the glove box and pops out of the T-top.) Keep her steady.

Jane: (She's trying to drive from the passenger side.) right!
Camera shows Daria standing up on the driver's seat. She holds a gun and carefully aims it. We see 4 huge bats flying. Then we hear a shot. One of the bats stops suddenly, turns into Tiffany, drops to the ground, rolls around a few times, then turns to dust.
Daria: (With satisfaction in her voice) One down. Hold her steady and I'll nail the rest.

Jane: Um...Daria.

Daria: Just hold it steady for a...

Jane: Daria! (Daria drops back down into the driver's seat. The camera pans to show us the view from her perspective. Her entire field of vision is filled with the image of the big strawberry)

Jane & Daria: (In unison) SHIT!
We see The Bandit crash into the big strawberry. The big strawberry is an enormous ceramic strawberry that is Lawndale's only roadside attraction. It shatters into a million pieces. We see the remaining fashion club arrive and examine the wreckage. Only Trent is inside the car, and he's still asleep. The fashion club turns their backs on The Bandit. Suddenly, the trunk pops open and Daria pops out. She has 2 crossbows, 1 in each hand. She fires both, and hits Quinn and Stacy, who turn to dust. Sandi leaps at her and they roll down a hill.
Sandi: You bitch! You and that sister of yours have been nothing but trouble for me since you moved her. (she has her hands around Daria's neck) I'LL ENJOY THIS!!

Daria: Not as much as I'LL enjoy THIS! (she breaths at Sandi. Sandi screams in pain) Triple garlic pizza. (She shoves a wooden stake through Sandi's heart. Sandi turns to dust) That takes care of...

Linda: (Grabs Daria by the throat) You didn't expect ME did you? I'll enjoy this only slightly less than I'll enjoy RIPPING your mother to SHREDS! (we see Daria's face, which once again has her 'Mona Lisa' smile)

Jane: (Behind Linda with a wooden stake) Surprise! (Linda turns to dust) Let's get Trent back to the lair and see if he's alright.
Daria & Jane jump into The Bandit and tear out. A big portal opens up, and they drive into it.

Scene 8. Back in the lair, yet again.

 Daria and Jane are placing Trent on a table in the lair. Daria is looking at him strangely. We see from her perspective that he has a light purple glow around him.
Daria: We have a problem.

Jane: I see it. (she indicates his neck. We see the bite marks).

Daria: There's only one cure for vampireism. (she raises a wooden stake over her head) I'll make this quick...
Commercial Break (don't ya just hate that?):

We see a tall man with a beer belly, wearing jeans and a 'Punks not Dead' T-shirt. He's in a plain room with 2 chairs and a tv.
CN: (Troy Mcclure voice, from the Simpsons) Hello, I'm Crazy Nutso. You may remember me from such fanfics as Excess and Daria: The Hunter. But I'm here today to take you behind the scenes for a minute.

Little Timmy: What are we seeing today Mr Nutso?

CN: What the... Oh, hello little Timmy. You see Timmy, sometimes in shows, and even fanfics, they make more than one scene for a show. The reason is one scene might make a certain group happy, but another group unhappy. In this case, the scene involves Daria preparing to drive a stake into the heart of her beloved Trent, who has been turned into a vampire. The first one we'll see was made for the shippers. Roll film!
The camera pans to the tv, we see the 3...2...1 countdown then we see Daria holding a wooden stake over Trent, about to plunge it into him.
Daria: (Tears in her eyes) I've always loved you Trent!

Trent: (suddenly wakes up) I've always loved you too!

Daria: Oh what a tragedy, that our love can never be! Alas, Farewell my Love!

Trent: Farewell, oh love of my life! Daria plunges the stake into Trent's heart. she is crying. Trent dissolves into dust.
The camera pans back, to show CN and little Timmy.
Timmy: That was really sappy!

CN: Heh, heh you're right little Timmy. And this next version may be more to your liking. It was designed for the 'anti-shippers'. Roll it.
Once again the camera pans to the Tv, and we see the 3...2...1 countdown and we again see Daria holding a wooden stake over Trent, about to plunge it into him.
Daria: It's a shame I have to destroy you Trent, as now that my crush on you is over, we could have remained good friends.

Trent: (waking up) Yes! Although we are totally wrong for each other, perhaps we could have had a fine friendship.

Jane: And Jesse is totally wrong for me. What was I thinking?

Daria: Yeah. (she plunges the stake into Trent as the scene ends).
The camera pans back to CN and little Timmy.
Timmy: That was better.

CN: Heh, yes little Timmy, that was different, wasn't it? And now we return to the show, to see what kind of cop out the writer has taken in the final version of the scene.
Fade out. End of commercials.

ACT III. Final Showdown!

Scene 1. Lair.

 we see Daria holding a wooden stake over Trent, about to plunge it into him. (sound familiar?)
Daria: Well, here goes!

Jane: WAIT A MINUTE!! You went out of your way to not kill me, and now you're just gonna kill Trent?

Daria: Eh, thems the breaks. (she plunges the stake, but when it hits Trent, it just bends)

Jane: What the..

Daria: Fooled you. It's the old rubber stake gag. I can't believe you fell for it.

Jane: But....but...

Daria: Never mind. I have more Mamano Hunter business to attend to. You'll have to stay here and guard Trent.

Jane: But where...

Daria: Lawndale High. I think that's the center of the disturbance. I'll see ya later.

Jane: Happy Hunting!
Daria jumps into The Bandit and speeds through a portal.

Scene 1. Football Auditorium.

 We see The Bandit parked in the school lot. Daria is entering the school's football field. Daria suddenly leaps backwards as what appears to be a giant stone football strikes the ground where she was standing a moment ago. The camera pans to show her assailents. One is a monster created from the bodies of all the football team members, with Kevin's head on it. It is holding a club that has a football at the end, instead of a ball. The other monster is made up of all the cheerleader's bodies, with Brittany's head on top. Her club has a pom pom on the end. Both monsters are 15 feet tall, and quite imposing. Daria pulls out a glowing sword.
Daria: OK, Time for some magic sword action.
Daria runs at Kevin. He swings his club at her, but she cuts in in half. She slashes him twice, then runs at Brittany. Brittany smashes her club down at Daria, but Daria dodges left, then runs up the club. She swings her sword, and cuts Brittany's head off. The creature slumps to the ground. Daria doesn't see Kevin behind her, raising the remains of his club. Suddenly a round sword (like the one Xena uses) flys past Daria, cutting Kevin's arm off.
Jodie: It's all yours, Mack.

Mack: Oh, this is gonna be sweet!

Mack runs at Kevin and leaps into the air. When he is level with Kevin's head, he slashes with his sword. Kevin's head flys off, landing neatly next to Brittany's.

Jodie: If you're going to last long in this business, Daria, you're going to have to learn to watch your back. You enjoyed that, didn't you Mack?

Mack: Of course not! how can you think such a thing? Heads up! More company. Oh...It's you.

Andrea: (dressed as usual, but loaded down with weapons) You three seem to have things under control here.

Daria: (to Jodie) What's up between those two?

Jodie: Proffessional rivalry. Plus they used to date.

Daria: Really? When was...

Mack: I hate to disturb your gossip, but we need to clear the monsters. There's a big mob of them coming from the front and rear exits.

Andrea: I'll take the rear exit. AND I'll be inside before you two. Later, Daria.

Mack: Let's go Jodie. I'm NOT letting her beat us.

Mack and Jodie head toward the front of the school as Andrea heads toward the back. Daria opens a mystic portal.

Daria: Luckily, I know a shortcut.
Scene 2. Lawndale High.

 The portal takes Daria into the gym. She is immediatly attacked by a hord of zombies. She fights them off. You may recognize many of the zombies as those Lawndale High students that appear in the background of practically every episode of Daria, but never get any lines. Daria slashes through them like they're nothing. Soon she is standing in a pile of zombie dust. She move stealthfully out of the gym. The hallways are patrolled by zombies, but Daria makes short work of them. At last she arrives at the door to Ms. Li's office. She kicks in the door and enters. Ms. Li is inside. She is chanting over the dead body of Mr. O'Neill.
Ms. Li Spawn of Hell, accept this sacrifice and open unto me a portal into hell, that I may recruit my hellish army!

Daria: Not so fast!

Ms. Li HA! You're too late MS. Morgendorffer!
Indeed, as Ms. Li speaks, a crack appears in the floor. The glowing fires of hell are visible, as it begins to grow. We can hear demons inside preparing to invade the human realm.
Daria: That's what you think, Ms. Li!
Daria thrusts her glowing, magic sword into the floor. She begins a mystic chant, and a glow appears at the floor where her sword is. The glow spreads toward the crack, and the crack slowly starts to seal over. Ms. Li changes into a harpie and flies at Daria.
Ms. Li: No! I will not allow you to ruin my plans!

Suddenly a now familiar round sword flies into the room, cutting through one of Ms. Li's wings, then the other on the way back. Jodie is in the doorway, and she catches it and replaces it on her belt.

Jodie: I've wanted to do that for a long time.

Ms Li: (Falling into the crack) I'll be back!

Jodie: Well, that's that. And that's twice I've saved your ass, Daria.

Daria: I guess I owe you guys a pizza.

Andrea: HEY! I helped too!

Daria: Fine. Pizza party at my house. Tonight, then we can figure out how to explain this mess to my parents.

Jodie: Don't worry about it. When the national guard shows up, they'll clean everything up and blame it on terrorists. See ya later.

Andrea: Let's hunt together sometime, 'Kay?

Daria: Um..Sure, but I've already got a sidekick.

Andrea: HEY!
They all leave. Fade out.

Scene 3. Morgendorffer residence.

 Jodie, Mack, Andrea, Jane, Daria, and Trent are all milling around the Morgendorffer living room. There are a number of empty pizza boxes laying around.
Daria: Well, it's been fun, but the sun is almost up, and I've got to clean up before my parents get home. I doubt they'd like it if they caught me having a pizza party on the same night my poor sister was killed in a mysterious mall explosion.

Jane: Plus I've got to get Trent home before sunup. Are you sure the pig's blood will work?

Daria: It should. Otherwise there's always this... (she holds out a wooden stake)

Jane: Very funny. I just want to get home, take a shower...

Daria: Have fun shaving your legs.

Jane: (glares) and go to bed. Come on Trent.

Trent: Later, Daria.

Daria: Later.
Andrea, Jodie and Mack leave. Daria returns to the living room and tidies up. Just as she finishes, she hears a voice.
Amy: Could you please kill the lights?

Daria: Amy? I thought that if I avenged your death, you'd be gone.

Amy: Oh, Yeah. I was BSing you. You're stuck with me 'til I get sick of being your mentor.

Daria: Crap.
The Credits open. Monster Mash by Bobby "Boris" Picket & The Crypt-Kickers.

Makeover, Monster movie themed.

Jake as Jason.

Mr. DeMartino as Freddy Kruger.

Kevin and Brittany as Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein's monster.

Upchuck as Chucky

<Finí>


Author's Notes: I owe a lot to various horror, action and anime movies. The term 'Mamano' comes from the japanese anime Mamano (or Devil) Hunter Yohko which I heartily recomend. Since this is a halloween story in the tradition of Simpsons and other halloween fanfics, I get to kill off almost the entire cast! What fun. Hope you enjoyed this, and thanks for reading the author's notes.