Desperately Seeking Stacy

• Jane carrying an unconscious Jodie over her shoulder.
  
  
• The fashion club is in the bus bathroom, doing their grooming rituals, outside the door, a line is beginning to form.
  
  
• Jane, Daria, and Jodie standing back-to-back-to-back in fighter's stance, they appear to be in a bar, and judging by all the broken furniture/people laying on the floor, you might assume they're in a bar fight.
  
  
• The fashion club is STILL at it, and outside we see the line has grown longer, and the people in it look more impatient.
  
  
• A shot of a cemetary, the camera moves in on one particular tombstone. The ground is still heaped out, so we know this is a fresh grave. The inscription on the tombstone reads "Here Lies Thomas Barch". Their is a single red rose laying on top of the grave.
  
  
• The line outside the bathroom is now HUGE. Ms. Li pushes to the front, opens the door with a key, and pulls the fashion club out. Pan to the front of the bus, where Daria has just come down the steps. She gets her "Mona Lisa" smile, then the logo surrounds her and the screen goes blue.

Tiffany: Sooo Sandi, didn't you sleep well? Your eyes are really red.

Sandi: No, Tiffany, I did not sleep well last night. A bug got into our room, and Stacy spent to whole night crying. God, I swear sometimes I just want to smack her! Ever since I moved here I have been trying to teach her how to be fashionable, but she is still such a basket case.

Tiffany: So why is she even in the fashion club?

Sandi: She wouldn't be if it were up to me. But her mother is my mother's boss, so I have to be friends with the little basket case. She is so neurotic.¹

Tiffany: That's so wrong. Does this outfit make me look fat?

Sandi: No, you look fine. (she puts some drops in her eyes) Are my eyes still red?

Tiffany: No way.²

Sandi: Good. Now then, if we can keep Stacy from embarrassing us today we should...(at this point, Sandi is interrupted by the sound of a stall slamming open. Camera pans to show Stacy coming out of a stall, and she looks pissed.)

Stacy: If that's how you feel Sandi...(she reaches into a pocket and pulls something out. A closeup reveals it to be a fashion club member ID.) You can take this (she thrusts the ID into Sandi's hand) AND your stupid fashion club, fold it up until it's all corners, and shove it where the sun don't shine! (Stacy storms out)

Tiffany: Where does she want you to shove that?

Sandi: (Gives Tiffany a dirty look, storms out)

Tiffany: We have got to start checking the stalls before we have these conversations.³ (Tiffany leaves the restroom. A minute later another stall opens, revealing Upchuck with a tape recorder)

Upchuck: I wonder how I can use this information to my advantage. (As Upchuck is exiting the ladies room, he runs into Andrea)

Andrea: What where you doing in there, you little creep?

Upchuck: Merely information gathering, my sweet. Perhaps later you can come to my room and we can discuss it together. (Andrea raises her fists, and takes a threatening step toward him) GRR.. Feisty! (He makes a run for it.) (Fade Out.)

Scene 2. On The Bus

We are now in the bus, in the nicely furnished upstairs part. We see Daria & Jane seated at the back of the bus, on the couch.

Daria: So what do you think the holdup was?

Jane: Who knows. It must have been something important for Ms. Li to hold up the bus. God knows she couldn't be late for the Lawndale! appearance.

Daria: Then she'd have to give refunds. Oh look, we're here. Another cheap motel.

Max: (offscreen) Hey Daria! Ms. Li wants to see you in her hotel room, pronto.

Jane: Wonder what she wants?

Daria: My curiosity level is so high, I'm actually going to go.

(Fade Out)

Scene 3. Mission: Idiotic!

We are now in a cheap motel room. Their is a VCR connected to the TV, and it has been turned to face 2 chairs, where Daria & Jane are seated. Ms. Li stands by the TV. The Mission Impossible theme song plays in the background throughout this scene.

Daria: So what's this all about?

Ms. Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane, it has come to my attention that Stacy Rowe has disappeared. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find her, and bring her back.

Jane: And if we choose NOT to accept it?

Ms. Li: Then I'm afraid I will be forced to turn this incriminating tape over to the authorities.

At this point Ms. Li turns on the TV, and starts a tape. We can clearly see Jane over the shoulder of a mysterious person. He's wearing a hooded sweater, so he's hard to identify.

Mysterious person: So, Jane Lane, (we recognize his voice, although he's obviously trying to disguise it, it's Upchuck) how much will you charge me for this fake ID that you made yourself?

Jane: (on video) $50.00 American.

Upchuck gives her the money. She leaves, and we see him reaching for the camera. The scene shoots back to show a 'reaction shot' of Jane.

Jane: (Thought voice) Note to self: Kill Upchuck.⁴

The camera pans back to show both Daria & Jane.

Daria: Very well, we'll find Stacy. But we're going to have to go through her stuff, and we're going to need some wheels.

Ms. Li: Here is the key to her room. However, you will have to arrange for your own transportation. (she hands Daria the key).

Daria: Fine. Let's go Jane.

(Daria & Jane exit the room, which lead nicely into the next scene...)

Scene 4. Walking to Stacy's room.

Daria & Jane are walking through a hallway, to Stacy's room.

Daria: Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into.

Jane: Me? I... OK, OK this IS my fault. I should have known Upchuck was up to no good when he didn't make any of his normal, sleazy overtures.

Daria: You should have know he was up to no good period.

They arrive at the door to Stacy's room. Which gives us another nice lead in to the next scene.

Scene 5. Stacy's room.

They enter Stacy's room. It is much like Ms. Li's room. The fashion club is here. Sandi is speaking as they enter.

Sandi: And, due to the extremely rude manner in which Stacy announced her resignation, I'm afraid I have no choice but to ban her from the fashion club for life. We will be voting on a replacement for Stacy at our next meeting. So be sure to have your nominations ready. (She sees Daria & Jane walk in) What are you two doing here? (Daria & Jane run up to Sandi & begin kissing her hands)

Daria: Oh, please let me be the new member.

Jane: No! Me. I'm twice as shallow as her.

Sandi: Neither of you are suitable for addition into the fashion club, without severe makeovers.

Daria: And Lobotomies, don't forget the lobotomy.

Sandi: And what are you doing here, Quinn's cousin, or whatever?

Daria: (TV Detective voice) I've been hired by Ms. Li to find out what happened to Stacy. Now I'll need you all to clear out so my associate & I can search the room. But don't leave town. You're all suspects.

Sandi: (looking exasperated) whatever! This fashion club meeting is ajorned. (The fashion club leaves)

Jane: And you didn't even take the time to humiliate your beloved sister.

Daria: I'm in a hurry. Let's get searchin'. (Pan to a clock on the wall. We see the hands jump forward an hour, to illustrate the passage of time.⁵)

Jane: Look at this, Daria. (she holds up a flyer. It's for an L7 show). This show is in Decatur, IL. That's about a half hour drive from here. You think that's where she's gone?

Daria: Anything is possible. She must have hitchhiked there.

Jane: (sounds worried) You think she's OK? She's such a basket case lately...

Daria: Lately? You mean she wasn't always?

Jane: (sounds sad) No, she wasn't. I don't want to talk about this right now. Let's get out of here.

As they go to exit the room, the bumper comes up. It shows Stacy yelling at Sandi.

Commercials:

Some department store telling you to come in and buy the latest back-to-school fashions or all your 'friends' will laugh at you. Have these advertisers ever even SEEN the show?

end 'o commercials

Scene 1. More Strange Things.

Daria and Jane are walking through a lobby. they don't notice Andrea sitting on a couch, listening in on their conversation.

Jodie: (walking up to them) Did you guys find anything?

Jane: We think Stacy ran off to Decatur, IL to see L7.

Daria: She might have been planning on going to the concert anyway, and the fight she had with Sandi just caused her to leave sooner.

Jodie: So your going after her?

Daria: Yep. By bus.

Jodie: Can I come along?

Daria: Why?

Jodie: You might need my help. I'm good at talking to people, and no offence but...

Daria: Point taken. You are enlisted to help us find Stacy.

Jane: I just hope she stays out of trouble. She doesn't seem like she can take care of herself.

Daria: Well, she'll have to for a few hours. It'll take us that long to get there by bus.

Jane: 2 hours? You said it was a half hour drive!

Daria: Half hour by car. But thanks to La principala de muy cheapo,⁶ we're stuck taking the bus. Let's go. (they exit the lobby. Andrea watches them go, then get up)

Andrea: (to herself) I think I'd like to see L7, too.

Scene 2. After the Bus ride.

Daria, Jodie & Jane are getting off a bus. The bus station looks typical, except we notice a couple of mean, tough looking cheerleaders milling around. They are dressed in cheerleader outfits similar to the one Brittany always wears, except these are all red. The cheerleaders appear to be looking for someone. Daria, Jodie & Jane don't notice them.

Daria: So we just go down that street (she points) and we'll come to The Cubana Club. The show starts at 10. It's that now, so if we hurry, we can catch the ass end of L7's set.

Jane: Are you sure Stacy (At the mention of the name, the cheerleaders look over at Jane & Daria) will be at this club?

Daria: I think so.

Daria, Jodie and Jane walk off. The cheerleaders follow from a safe distance. One of them is on a mobile phone.

Scene 3. EMERGENCY! Fashion club meeting.

We're now in Tiffany & Quinn's hotel room (which looks like Sandi's room, which looks like Ms. Li's room....ALL HOTEL ROOMS LOOK ALIKE IN CARTOONS.

Sandi: I now call this emergency meeting of the fashion club to order. Now then, have you two prepared nominations for a replacement for Stacy (she says the name like it's a bad word)?

Tiffany: No way.

Quinn: Oh I'm SURE whoever YOU'VE chosen will be fine, Sandi.

Tiffany: Yeah.

Sandi: Very well, I nominate Brooke.⁷. All in favor? (She looks around, Tiffany raises her hand, as does Quinn, although Quinn seems more reluctant.) Very well, it is unanimous. We'll swear her in at our next meeting. Now we have another problem, how to turn the tide of this unpleasant trend in footwear toward flats...(she continues, but mercifully, the scene fades out & ends.)

Scene 4. At the Coba! Coba-Cubana!

We are now inside a typical, smoky club. L7 is onstage, but you can't hear them. We see Daria, Jodie & Jane looking around for Stacy, but with no luck. We also notice a few of those cheerleaders coming in the door. Jane, Jodie & Daria head for the back of the club, where the seats & tables are.

Daria: We should just sit at a table by the door, maybe if she's here, we'll see her when she leaves.

Jane: OK. (they sit at a table. Time passes, and we see people leaving.) There sure are a lot of cheerleaders here.

Daria: Yeah. He look, there's Andrea. (camera pans to a table. Andrea is sitting there with several empty beer bottles in front of here. There are also a couple of full ones. She's drinking. Daria and Jane approach her) What are you doing here?

Andrea: I like L7.

Jane: How'd you get here?

Andrea: Upchuck invited me up to his room and tried to get me drunk. He passed out after the second bottle of wine. Wuss. So I borrowed his rented minivan and drove here.

Jodie: So, have you seen Stacy?

Andrea: Yep, she's right over there with all those local cheerleaders. (camera pans to show a table surrounded by cheerleaders. We can see them arguing with Stacy).

Daria, Jodie & Jane: (in unison) UH-OH! (the trio dash over to the table. (as they approach Stacy's table, they can hear the argument).

Mitzi: (one of the cheerleaders) You little bitch! You don't just come into our town and try to steal our men!

Other Cheerleaders: YEAH!

Mitzi: Let's see how attractive MY boyfriends find you after we tear out all your hair! (just as she reaches for a crying Stacy she is interrupted by an angry voice)

Jane: (sounds very angry) LEAVE HER ALONE!

Mitzi: Oh Yeah? What are you gonna do about it skinny? By my count there's three of you and 15 of us.

Jane: (whispered to Daria) Not bad odds.

Daria: (whispered to Jodie) You HAVE taken Ms. Barch's Take Back The Night self-defense class*, haven't you?

Jodie: It's an extra-curricular activity, isn't it? (Camera shows all three of them wearing smirks.)

*(But before the carnage begins, let's take a moment to discuss the most remarkable self-defense class, Ms. Barch's Take Back The Night course. Unlike most courses that concentrate on defense, Ms. Barch's approach follows the old adage "The best defense is a good offense".⁸ Since Ms. Barch believes that any man is a potential attacker, and once he has attacked, you've already half lost the fight, it is better to start off by attacking them. This unique fighting style includes every dirty trick in the book, and a few that were deemed too dirty, even for the book. As such, it is the ideal form of 'self-defense' to be familiar with when confronting 15 angry cheerleaders in a barroom brawl, like the one that is about to begin.)

Scene 5. More violence than an episode of Jerry Springer (almost).

A montage bar room brawl, as Ballroom Blitz by The Sweet plays in the background.

• Jane kicking Mitzi in the breadbasket, then giving her a spin kick to the head.
• Daria being pursued by 2 cheerleaders armed with pool sticks. She dives under a table, flips it up at them, breaks each poolstick with a precision chop, then smacks them both with a chair.
• Daria leaping over a pool table, then throwing pool balls at the persuing cheerleaders.
• Jodie picks up a cheerleader and sends her sliding down the bar. At the same time at the opposite end, Daria does the same thing, so the cheerleaders impact with a satisfying thud.
• Andrea still sitting at her table, drinking. She looks to the left, grabs her full beers, and stands up suddenly. Just as she does, a cheerleader smashes into the table, breaking it.
• Two cheerleaders are holding Jane's arms, as a third charges her. Jane lifts both her feet and the cheerleader runs right in to her boots. She brings her boots down hard onto the feet of the two holding her. They grimace in pain, and she pulls them into each other.
• Jane, Daria, and Jodie standing back-to-back-to-back in fighter's stance, just as they appear in the opening. The camera pulls back to show the whole room. All the cheerleaders are laying on the floor, alongside a lot of broken furniture and bottles.

Seeing that the fight is over, Jodie, Daria and Jane head for Andrea. Stacy pops up just as the get to her.

Daria: Why didn't you help us out, Andrea?

Andrea: (glaring at Jane) You know why.

Stacy: (She's behind them) PLEASE don't fight anymore! I can't take it!

Andrea: (seems to be looking behind Stacy) Stacy! GET DOWN! (She throws a full bottle of beer, apparently at Stacy)

(we see a camera view from right behind the flying bottle, like in Robin Hood. Stacy dives to the floor. We see that Mitzi was right behind her, holding a jagged broken beer bottle like a knife, as if she was about to stab Stacy. She has time to look surprised before the bottle smashes into her head, knocking her out cold.)

Andrea: Are you alright, Stacy?

Stacy: I'm alright, Andy. Is she...(she indicates Mitzi)

Andrea: (Looking at Mitzi) She's fine, just unconscious. We'd better get out of here before the cops show up. (the girls head toward the exit)

Bar owner: (stepping from behind the bar) HOLD IT! No ones going anywhere until...(we see things from his viewpoint. The girls look ready to kick some more @$$, even Stacy looks intimidating. He can also see all the unconscious cheerleaders, and decides this isn't a good time to be manly⁹

The 5 Lawndaleites¹⁰ exit the club. They pile into the minivan with Daria at the wheel.

Jane: Where to now?

Daria: An all night diner. I want to hear the whole story. Plus I need some cheese fries.

Stacy: God, I would LOVE some cheese fries! (Everyone looks at her strangely) What? You know how sick I am of eating celery sticks?

They all grin as the camera pulls back to show the van leaving the parking lot. The bumper comes up, and it shows a split screen Daria pounding a cheerleader/Jane pounding a cheerleader/Jodie pounding a cheerleader.

Commercial break

Jane's room!

Jane: Isn't this episode a little violent for us?

Daria: Must be sweeps month or something.

Narrator: HEY! You guys are on!

Jane: We still have a narrator? I haven't seen him since Through The Rainbow.

Daria: Whatever anyway time for another meaningless public service announcement. One that won't be ruined by your stupid Blossom theory.¹¹ Why is there a poster of Joey Lawrence over there?

Jane: (Pulls out a pointer) Compare & contrast! (camera zooms in, we see Joey Lawrence next to Trent) Notice the physical similarities. Both of them were somewhat oblivious to the outside world. AND both of them were com- pletely unaware of their little sister's best friend's crush on them.

Daria: (looks pissed) THAT DOES IT! (she leaps at Jane, A Cartoony cloud appears, behind which we can hear a fight going on) You want a crush? I'll give ya a crush. I got your crush right here.¹²

Narrator: Hey! You're almost out of time. State the moral!

Daria: Oh, yeah (cartoon cloud is gone. Jane's laying on the floor, looking beat up) Today's moral is: Violence is NOT the answer. (beat) (to herself) But sometimes it feels DAM good!

end of commercial break!

Scene 1. At the diner.

The girls enter a diner. It looks like a typical restaurant. They are seated at a booth, and they order. After the waitress leaves, the conversation begins...

Daria: So what's the story here?

Jodie: Well, Daria, you have to understand that back in grade school, Andrea & Stacy were best friends.

Andrea: Yeah, and sometimes we let Jane hang around us, too.

Jane: Gee, thanks.

Stacy: It was right after my parents got divorced that it happened...

The scene goes wavy in the traditional, we're headed for a flashback, kind of thing. You get the idea that Jodie, Andrea, Jane and Stacy are all telling the story, but through the magic of flashback, we get to see it in a script format. Ain't life grand!

Scene 2. Lawndale Elementary.

We see a typical hallway in a typical elementary school. The camera briefly zooms in on a calendar that says it's 1993, as if to beat us over the head with the fact that we're seeing the past. The camera zooms in on a couple of girls talking by their lockers. We recognize them as Andrea & Stacy, although they look quite different. Andrea is wearing cheerful colors, and she has fairly long hair. She's wearing a Ramones T-shirt. Stacy looks about how she does now, only with no makeup and her hair isn't tied up. She's wearing a sex pistols T-shirt. Suddenly another girl runs up. It's Jane, she looks much like she does now, only she has pigtails!

Daria: (voice from the future) JANE HAD PIGTAILS?!

Jane: (from the future) Oh GOD I knew we should have left that part out.

Daria: (from the future) I have to see pictures of this.

Jane: (from the future) You can't. I've destroyed them all. Now do you want to hear this, or not?

Daria: (from the future) OK, OK, sorry. Go ahead. Heh, pigtails.

Andrea: (flashback, and all the rest are too unless marked otherwise) So, Stacy, are you ready to start Junior High next year?

Stacy: It'll be cool! And in just a few years, we'll be in High School.

Jane: I don't know...My brother says the staff at Lawndale High is pretty weird.

The camera shoots past them to show a very overweight Tiffany walking down the hall. She is being tormented by a large girl in a leather jacket.

Andrea: Uh oh, Cathy is at it again.

Jane: She's so mean.

Stacy: Poor Tiffany. We should do something! (Stacy approaches Cathy & Tiffany) Leave her alone!

Andrea: Uh oh. Now we've got to get involved to. (Jane and Andrea head over to where Stacy is).

Cathy: OH, The punk girls want to get in on this. (She smacks Stacy, knocking her down Andrea is a little bigger than Cathy, and she looks pissed. Cathy pulls a knife) You geeks want some of this? (The rest of the scene takes place in slow motion. Cathy slashes at Andrea, but Jane pushes her aside & is cut on her arm we see Andrea throwing a punch in slow motion, obviously she has put all her might behind it. It catches Cathy in the throat, and she falls down, holding her throat and gasping).

The flashback dissolves, and we are returned to the present in the next scene.

Scene 3. back at the diner.

The girls sit in a booth, with empty plates in front of them. They are still conversing.

Andrea: (sounds near tears) The blow crushed her windpipe. She died on the trip to the hospital.

Stacy: (comforting Andrea) It wasn't your fault Andy. You where just trying to help me.

Andrea: It wasn't your fault either. It was just a freak accident.

Jodie: Even though the court ruled that Andrea acted in self-defense, the school decided to expel everyone involved with the fight. Even Tiffany.

Daria: Let me guess....the principal at that time was..

Jane: Angela Li. Of course. So Tiffany and I had to go to summer school. Tiffany became obsessed with losing weight, and I began to retreat from society.

Jodie: Not the daring socialite that you are today.

Jane: (kidding voice)Shut up. Anyway, Andrea & Stacy just disappeared that summer, and Andrea didn't return for 3 years.

Andrea: My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to get out of Lawndale for a while. She sent me to live with my aunt in Chicago. That's when I became a goth. I came back to Lawndale for High school, but Jane wouldn't hardly talk to me, and to be honest I didn't try hard. Stacy had to repeat a year, and when she came to Lawndale High, she was a total fashion head. What happened to you, Stacy?

Stacy: I freaked out after the fight. My dad sent me to Brookside Rest home. I was there for 4 months. when I got out, my dad had married the woman he was having an affair with. She insisted that I should hang out with Sandi. I guess I've always been a follower, and Sandi made me popular. All the sudden I seemed to have lots of friends and everything was great. But I'm STILL NOT happy. I don't know what I'm gonna do now.

Andrea: (hesitantly) You could hang out with me again.

Jane: (firmly) US again.

Daria: But that doesn't mean you have to start dressing goth or like us or thinking like us. You need to develop yourself.

Stacy: (Sees the wisdom in Daria's words).¹³ I'll try.

Jodie: (looking out the window) Oh my god you guys, the sun's coming up! We have to get Upchuck's rental back before he wakes up!

The girls race out the door, and into the van. As they pull away, the end credits come up. Psychotherapy by The Ramones plays.¹⁴

Makeovers: (SNL themed).

Ms. Li as the church lady.

Jane & Tom as the coneheads.

Jake as the motivational speaker who lives in a van down by the river.(Chris Farley RIP)

Mack as Samurai Deli clerk, with Jodie as customer.

<Finí>

1. Ok, Ok Sandi probably wouldn't know a big word like 'neurotic', but it's necessary for the next gag, and maybe she got it from a Woody Allen movie. Or something.
   
   
2. Get it? She's calling Stacy Neurotic, but both her and Tiffany are displaying neurotic behavior. Is my humor subtle or what. (or what!)
   
   
3. This is a sly reference to my Magical Mystik Spiral Tour fanfic. Still available at Outpost: Daria!
   
   
4. Jane's illegal source of income (from the production of fake IDs) was revealed in my fanfic Excess. Where were you?
   
   
5. This time (get it?) honored cartoon cliché was also used in my fanfic Through The Rainbow. boy if I could just think of a way to refer to Daria: Where Are You? I'll have referred to all my fanfics! Hey, I just did!
   
   
6. This is NOT Spanish, but MOCK-Spanish. Similar to the form of the Swedish language spoken by The Swedish Chef on The Muppet Show.
   
   
7. From the Episode Too Cute.
   
   
8. This quote is often attributed to "Mel, The cook on Alice".
   
   
9. Refers to the beloved 'Manly' song from Daria!
   
   
10. This is a word I made up to refer to people from Lawndale. Can you come up with something better?
    
    
11. The Blossom theory has appeared throughout the Magical Mystik Spiral Series but this may be it's last appearence, as I can't think of any more.
    
    
12. Anybody else remember the Pigeons from Animaniacs? Man I loved that show!
    
    
13. I REALLY hate this line! It sounds like something from an 'inspirational' novel. But I left it in anyway.
    
    
14. probably inappropriate music, but hey watta ya want from me. Plus I didn't want to end with 13 footnotes, 'cause I'm superstitious. Plus I don't really think anyone reads these footnotes anyway.