Don't Mess With My Tutor

The third in yet another fanfic Series, called the Senior Year Series.

By Crazy Nutso

(Instead of the traditional Daria intro, you get the Senior Year series intro instead. The Music is Anti-Social as performed by Anthrax and the intro is Red Dwarf style, ie. it features scenes from the upcoming season (called teasers) actually, I stole the idea from Canadibrit, but DON'T TELL HER!)

• Daria, Jane, Nora, Andrea, Stacy and Cecily leaning against their lockers, looking like the 'Sweat Hogs' from Welcome Back Kotter.
• Daria and Sandi Griffin sitting together at the pizza parlor.
• Jake and Helen in a hospital. Jake is talking intensely to a Korean woman in a hospital bed.
• Daria, in a black dress, stepping out of a hearse.
• Daria flying out of the back of the Tank.
• Tricia Gupty being carried away by zombies.
• Daria wakes up, madeover, and in bed with Trent.
• Daria onstage with the rest of Anti-Teen. Camera zooms in on her face. She gets her "Mona Lisa" smile, then the logo surrounds her and the screen goes green.

The Logo screen reads: Daria in: "Don't Mess With My Tutor"

Scene 1. Pizza Pies and Strange Dates.

We see Daria and Lyman in a booth at the Pizza King.

Lyman:

Daria... we've been going together for quite some time now...

Daria:

Lyman, I think I know where you're going with this, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Lyman:

I realize it's a big step in our relationship, and I understand that you've probably never done this before.

Daria:

I haven't.

Lyman:

Neither have I. It'll be a first for both of us.

Daria:

Uh... Won't this be kind of... painful?

Lyman:

Yes, but you might enjoy it. (sees Daria glaring at him) Well, I did say might.

Daria:

(Sighs)All right, we might as well get this over with. Your place or mine?

Lyman:

Uh, mine. Actually, I've kinda got everything set up at my place already.

Daria:

Fine. We'll do it at my place later. At least we'll have some practice by then. Of course, at my place, you'll be the one in pain.

Lyman:

Well, there's something to look forward to.

Daria:

All right. Let's get this over with. Do I need to change or something? Are you going to want photos?

Lyman:

Photos? Why would.... hmmm. I don't think we need photographic evidence that may come back to haunt us.

Daria:

Fine, then. Let's get this over with.

Daria and Lyman exit the pizza place. Camera pans to show Brooke and Tiffany sitting in the next booth. Both look shocked. Then Brooke whips out a cellular phone and starts to dial.

Fade Out.

Quinn's Room. Quinn is on the phone with Brooke.

Quinn:

No way!

(The screen spits to show both Quinn in her bedroom and Brooke at the pizza place.)

Brooke:

We heard them talking about it Quinn. God, do brains have to carefully plan everything out? It's not very romantic.

Quinn:

Who knows? And for that matter, who cares? (Beat, then Quinn continues in a more nervous voice) Uh... did you guys get the results from the testing back yet?

Brooke:

Yeah, It came in the mail today. I just barely passed.

Tiffany:

Yeah, mine came in the mail today too. I just passed by the skin of my teeth.

Quinn:

EWW! Teeth don't have skin!

Suddenly the loud, angry voice of Helen comes from downstairs.

Helen:

(sounds angry)QUINN MORGENDORFFER! Come down here THIS INSTANT.

Quinn:

Oops. Sounds like mine has arrived. I have to go.

Quinn puts the phone away and heads downstairs, looking like someone heading for the gallows. Helen is waiting impatiently for her at the foot of the stairs. She has a letter in her hand, and, if you haven't caught on yet, looks really REALLY mad.

Fade Out

Daria is leaving Lyman's house. Lyman comes out behind her.

Lyman:

Daria, wait! Look I know that could have gone better...

Daria:

That's putting it mildly.

Lyman:

Well, do you want to go over to your place and try it there?

Daria:

Let's just wait a while ok? I'll call you later.

Daria begins to walk home. Suddenly, she hears a 'CLOP,CLOP,CLOP,CLOP' sound from behind her. Then a traditional Amish wagon pulls up next to her.

Amish man:

Pardon me, young lady, but could you direct me to 111 Howard Drive? I seem to have become separated from my caravan.

Daria:

You must be Amanda's relatives from Schuylkill Haven. ¹

Amish man:

How'd you guess?

Daria:

Just a lucky guess, I suppose.

Amish man:

Well, climb up, and you can direct me to the Lane house.

Daria:

(Thought voice) Hmm. After giving Jane all that crap about going for a ride with someone she just met, I probably shouldn't do this. Oh, what the hell. (Out Loud)Ok.

Daria climbs on to the wagon, and sits next to the young amish. She realizes he's probably about the same age as her. After she is securely seated, the wagon starts to move again.

Amish man:

How do you do? I'm Daniel, and this (he gestures to the back of the wagon, where we see another amish boy) is my brother David.

David:

Hey.

Daria:

I'm Daria, a friend of Jane's.

Daniel:

Ah, then you've met our sister Nora. How has she been?

Daria:

She's doing OK. She's not in trouble or something, is she?

Daniel:

No. We're not some weird cult or something. If Nora is happier living outside of our community, then she has the family's blessing. We're just here to fix up the house. From what Amanda told us, ² it's not in the best shape.

Daria:

That's one way of putting it. Ok, here's my house. (The wagon comes to a stop) Just keep following this road. It curves left then turns back right, just follow it all the way down to Jane's house. You can't miss it, there's an ornate sculpture on the front lawn.

Daria climbs down from the wagon. Daniel waves to her before continuing on. Daria turns and is surprised to see her father sitting on the front steps.

Daria:

Dad? What's going on?

Jake:

It's a little... busy in there Daria. Your mother and your sister are having a little uh.. discussion.

At that moment, and upstairs window flies open, and Helen's head appears.

Helen:

Daria! Where the hell have you been? Never mind your excuses, get up here now!

The window slams shut. Daria looks at her father, who gives her a look of pity. Then she enters the house and heads up the stairs to the master bedroom.

Daria:

(thought Voice) Ok, she's in a very, VERY bad mood. Let's keep the sarcasm to ourselves.

Daria enters her parents bedroom. Quinn is sitting on the bed, looking full of teen aged angst. (or at least trying to) When she sees Daria, she gets a smug look on her face.

Quinn:

Go ahead mom. Ask her.

Helen:

Daria, where have you been?

Daria:

I was over at Lyman's house.

Quinn:

See? I told you!

Helen:

Daria! What were you doing?

Daria:

(even tone) Meeting Lyman's mom. Of course, if you don't trust me, you can call her.

Helen:

No sweety. Of course I trust you.

Daria:

In fact, if I were the suspicious type, I'd suspect this was a clever ruse by someone to get them off of the hot seat. So what's going on in here?

Helen:

I received a letter from the school today. Quinn's scores on the standardized test³ means she'll have to repeat a grade.

Daria:

(thought voice) Only one? (out loud) Well, she is entitled to a retest. All she has to do is get a higher score on that. (thought voice) Then she can part the red sea.

Helen:

She'll need a tutor. I would like you to do it.

Daria:

(thought voice) Time for some fancy footwork to get out of this one. (out loud) Actually mom, Mr. DeMartino asked me to join the Lawndale High Tutoring group.⁴ It will look good on a college resumé, plus I can use the extra money.

Helen:

Really Daria, putting a job ahead of family? (sees the look that both of her daughters are giving her) Very well then. Quinn you are grounded until you pass the makeup test. Daria, please arrange for a tutor for Quinn.

Daria:

Ok, in fact, I think the tutoring group is meeting right now. I'd better get to the meeting.

Fade out.

Lawndale High. We see Daria going into a classroom. The room is empty except for Kara Mild, who is sitting behind the desk with her feet propped up, reading She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. Daria shuts the door, and the noise startles Kara out of her reading daze, causing her to fall out of the chair and land on the floor.

Daria:

Ah. Kara. Hard at work, I see.

Kara:

Daria? What are you doing here?

Daria:

I've decided to join up. It beats the heck out of tutoring my sister.

Kara:

(angrily) Don't you mean your cousin?

Daria:

Uh, Kara, what is your problem? I'm not crazy about Quinn's constant denial of our relativity, but it seems to bug the heck out of you. Why?

Kara:

It's because... (bt) Sandi Griffin is my cousin.

Daria:

And she doesn't admit it? (Kara nods) Look, that's just how the in-crowd is. Sandi is so threatened by Quinn that she's afraid that a 'brainy cousin' will knock her out of the running for most popular. Meanwhile, Quinn is afraid that having a 'brainy sister' will make her look bad too. Maybe someday they'll both grow up, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Anyhow, would you like to tutor Quinn?

Kara:

OK. Then you can tutor Sandi.

Daria:

Sandi? Wait a minute...

Kara:

Those are your choices Daria. Sandi or Quinn. Which is it going to be?

Daria:

Sandi. I suppose.

Suddenly, the door slams open, and a very angry looking Jodie Landon walks in.

Jodie:

All right. Who the hell is in charge here?

Kara:

Well, that Barry guy was put in charge by Mr. DeMartino, but he gave us a big speach on how he's an anarchist and didn't believe in rules and assignments and things, so he left, then Clarence took over, but what with his stuttering and all, it was really hard for us to follow, so he stepped down. Then Squiggley took over, but then Tiffany and Brooke came in for a tutor, and he had some kind of attack or something, and had to go home for his inhaler. So I suppose I'm in charge, although I don't especially want the job or anything.

Jodie:

Has she been taking speech lessons from your sister?

Daria:

No, she's just like that sometime. Who is this Barry of which you speak?

Kara:

Oh, he's the president of the Taxidermy Society.

Jodie:

Lawndale doesn't have a Taxidermy Society.

Daria:

What kind of sick mind would think up something like that?

Kara:

It's not that bad. Anyhow, what did you want, Jodie?

Jodie:

(Getting angry again) Oh, right. Why the hell has my sister been assigned so much tutoring? She's been out late practically every night this week, and now she's said she has to work this Saturday as well. Is she the only tutor you have?

Kara:

Um... actually, your sister Rachel hasn't signed up to tutor.

Jodie:

What? But then... what has she been up to?

Daria:

Well, I did see her at the pizza place the other day.

Jodie:

But why would she lie?

Daria:

Maybe so your parents wouldn't be constantly on her case? Or she's afraid the wouldn't approve of the guy she's seeing?

Jodie:

GUY! What guy?

Daria:

(Whoops voice) Ah, well it's really none of my business...

Jodie:

Daria, if my sister is sneaking out to see some guy, I want to know about it. Now spill it. Who is this guy?

Daria:

It's Danny Moreno.⁵

Jodie:

Danny? But he's a nice enough guy. Why wouldn't she let us know about it?

Daria:

Maybe she's afraid of your parents reaction to him. He's not exactly the poster child for over-achiever. Plus he wants to be in a band.

Kara:

Plus he's white. (Daria and Jodie both glare at her) EAP!

Daria:

In any case, you need to talk to her, not to us. Good luck.

Kara:

Yeah, good luck.

Jodie leaves.

Daria:

So I guess you can start tutoring Quinn tomorrow after school.

Kara:

And you can start tutoring Sandi.

Both:

Damn.

Fade out, Bumper (one of the funky season 4 moving bumpers, even!) shows the camera pan of Helen yelling at Quinn, then Jodie storming into the Tutor room.

The Crap: It's like the Gap, only it's a "vintage" (meaning used) clothing store. Just like a Gap commercial, it has lots of young people dancing, but in THIS ad, they dance MUCH worse, and their clothing is, well, crappier.

A commercial for 'Daria'. Yes, the only time they seem to show commercials for 'Daria' is during Daria. Weird, huh?

Back to the show!

We see Daria walking home from school. Suddenly Quinn comes up behind her, and begins to walk next to her.

Daria:

Aren't you afraid one of your fashion friends will see you and convict you for fraternizing with the unpopular?

Quinn:

Daria, what do you know about this tutor I'm having?

Daria:

It's Kara Mild.

Quinn:

Kara Mild? Oh no!

Daria:

What's wrong with Kara Mild?

Quinn:

She's stalking me! Every time I turn around lately, there she is! You are staying home, aren't you? I don't want to be all alone in the house with her.

Daria:

She isn't stalking you. For some reason, she thinks you have potential, and she'd like to see you live up to it. God only knows why. Anyway, I've got to go to my tutoring job as well.

Quinn:

Fine. So when you come home and find me dead, just remember it's all your fault. (beat) Say, who are you tutoring, anyhow?

Daria:

Sandi Griffin.

Quinn:

Really? I'll give you twenty dollars to tell me what she says about me.

Daria:

I'm afraid I can't do that. I've taken the tutor's vow of silence. Oh look. your tutor is already here.

We see Kara Mild, sitting on the front steps, waiting for them. Quinn looks frightened.

Daria:

Kara, you're not here to murder my sister, are you?

Kara:

Of course not!

Daria:

(To Quinn) See? All you have to do is ask. (Quinn frowns at her) Well, I'm off to my tutoring job. You two kids have fun. (Daria gets into her Chevy Nova and drives away)

Kara:

C'mon Quinn. We've got a lot of work to get done if you don't want to repeat a grade.

Quinn sighs dramatically, then enters the house, followed by Kara.

We see Daria park in front of Crazy Bob's World O' Comics. As she gets out she notices the car next to hers. It is a 1991 Geo Metro. Compared to it, Daria's Nova looks good. It is covered with what appears to be a foot of dirt. There is a bumper sticker that reads "I © Mitch." As Daria enters the store, she hears an argument at the front counter between Crazy Bob and a short woman who is wearing a red 'Radioactive man' T-shirt, a pair of shorts that are knee-length, & white skimmers. She also wears a white newsboy hat. She is currently ranting at Crazy Bob.

Woman:

What do you mean you don't have Simpsons Action Figures? What kind of comic book store doesn't have action figures?

Crazy:

Listen Debbs. This is a comic store. I am not a toy pirate.⁶ This store sells comic books. Nothing else. JUST COMIC BOOKS!

Debbs:

But Cra-zy, you'll never make a lot of money like that.

Crazy:

If I wanted to make a lot of money, I'd have a plumbing store. Now get back in your dilapidated excuse for a vehicle and be on your way. And don't expect ME to push the dumb thing..

Debbs:

HEY! It runs fine, as long as it's not too hot. Anyway, aren't you going to plug my internet stuff?

Crazy:

(sighs) Very well, if it will hasten your departure, I will inform everyone that they may read your insane prattling at disreputable Daria fanfic sites everywhere and view your possibly offensive artwork at equally disreputable Daria sites that have fanart.

Debbs:

Very well. But you haven't heard the last of me. I won't rest until you're stocked with Simpsons action figures. (beat) And Japanese animation, for my sweet baboo!

She turns and stomps out. She starts her car (after a few tries, and a backfire) and drives away. Her car has an odd rattle to it. Crazy turns to Daria.

Crazy:

Ah, Daria. You may inform Jane that her comic book is a big success. Issue one sold out in a week, and issue two is much in demand.

Daria:

She'll be glad to hear it. So do you think she'll actually make any money on it?

Crazy:

Not a lot of money, but enough for it to be worth her while. As long as she doesn't try to go national with it. Unfortunately, the national distributors of comic books are not very supportive of self-publishing. Why, my personal favorite comic creator Greg Hylan struggled to keep his wonderful comic book Lethargic Lad going for many years. But he wasn't making any money, and had to struggle just to break even. Now he simply has his comic online at http://www.lethargiclad.com/. He still makes no money, but at least he can get his product out to his fans.

Daria:

Well, that's super, but I didn't really come in for a lecture on the woes of self-publishing. I'm looking for cheap comics I can use to distract annoying pre-teen boys.

Crazy:

Ah. Do you mind offending the parental units?

Daria:

Not even remotely.

Crazy:

Then might I recommend Rat-Boy? It has loads of violence and disproportionate heroines in tight costumes. Perfect for the early to pre-teen. Plus, I can give you a large box of them for 25 bucks.

Daria:

That should be fine.

Crazy:

Babysitting?

Daria:

Something very similar. I'm tutoring someone who has annoying brothers.

Crazy:

Aha. Rewarding them for being elsewhere. Very wise.

Daria:

Thank you.

Daria pays Crazy, hefts the large box of comics, and exits. She gets into her car and leaves.

Scene 3. Tutoring Quinn.

We see a montage sequence. Born To Be Wild by Steppenwolf plays in the background.

• Quinn sitting at her desk, looking bored, while Kara reads from a book.
• Kara looking over something Quinn has done, shaking her head. Quinn has a 'Well what did you expect?' look on her face.
• Quinn reading a textbook. Kara looks on, then gets a suspicious look on her face. She yanks to book away, to reveal the issue of 'Waif' beneath it.
• Kara lecturing Quinn. Quinn is rolling her eyes dramatically.
• Kara and Quinn having an argument. Just as said argument looks as if it will turn violent, Helen enters, ending the montage.

Helen:

Honestly, what's going on in here? You're suppose to be tutoring my daughter, not fighting with her.

Quinn:

She's crazy mom! She's been stalking me all year. Every time I turn around, there she is. (Quinn turns around suddenly, and there's Kara!) See!

Kara:

Look, I'm trying to help, but Quinn is hopeless. It's almost as if she's never received any encouragement about her studies at all.

Helen:

Well, (Looks guilty) we do try to encourage our girls...

Kara:

Oh I'm sure it's not your fault Mrs. Morgendorffer. I can see that you are a career intense go-getter, that works hard at everything you do. It's probably your no-good, lazy husband's fault.

Quinn:

Daddy's not so bad!

Kara:

But are you aware that Quinn tells the other students that Daria is her cousin?

Helen:

Oh, that is just normal sibling rivalry. My sisters and I did it too.

Quinn:

Yeah!

Helen:

That doesn't make it right, Quinn! Now you two get back to your studies!

Helen leaves, and the two girls glare at each other, then appear to return to the studying.

Scene 4. Meanwhile, at Jane's.

We see the Lane household. Several tents are set up in the back yard. Several men in traditional Amish garb are on the roof, doing repairs. We see Andrea's car parked in front. Camera pans through the house, where amish men and women are doing repairs and cleaning. Camera moves up to Jane's room. Jane is working on a painting, while Andrea and Stacy watch.... (do I really have to tell you what show?)

TV:

They invited the wrong guest..

(We see Big Bird and The Count on Sesame Street. Suddenly Buffy the Vampire Slayer enters.)

Big Bird:

Hi Buffy. What brings you to Sesame Street?

Buffy:

(Points at the Count) Him. (Pulls out a wooden stake, leaps at the Count) Die creature of darkness!

The Count:

ONE! One Vampire slayer. ah ha ha. ONE! One wooden stake aimed at my heart. Ah ha AH!

Elmo:

Oh my God, she killed the Count!

Oscar:

(Pops out of his trash can) You bastard!

Announcer:

Sesame Street: Too hot for PBS, on the next... Sick, Sad World

Andrea clicks the TV off.

Stacy:

So how long are your visitors going to be here?

Jane:

Until they're done. Another week or so. Right now, they're excavating the garage. God only knows what they'll find in there. Plus, Daniel and David are staying a week longer to do the wiring.

Andrea:

That's cool. David's kinda cute.

Stacy:

Oh, maybe he'll take you to prom.

Andrea:

Yeah, well, I could do worse. Who would you go with?

Stacy:

Well, that Austin guy asked me... Say Jane, didn't Daria have a date with him?

Jane:

You know, I think she did. But she never talks about it. (She glances out the window) I hope they're planning on taking those cow chips with them when they leave.

Andrea:

Oh come on. It's like having your very own renaissance festival in your back yard.

All Three:

HUZZAH!

Suddenly, Nora comes in, looking excited.

Nora:

You guys, you've got to see this. you'll never believe what we found in the garage!

Jane:

Hopefully not the remains of anyone.

Andrea:

Only an idiot would hide a body in a garage.

Stacy:

But this is the Lane garage.

Andrea:

Good point.

The girls trek outside to the garage, the door is open and inside we see.... a White 1978 AMC Gremlin.

Jane:

Wow, Penny's old Gremlin. I'd forgotten all about it.

Andrea:

Well, now you've got yourself a car.

Jane:

Oh come on, this old thing won't run anymore.

Andrea:

It will when I'm done with it.

We see Daria approach the Griffin house. She knocks on the door, which is opened by Linda. Linda is all dressed up.

Linda:

Oh, it's Daria, isn't it?

Daria:

That's me.

Linda:

Mr Griffin and I are going out for the evening. You don't mind babysitting the boys, do you?

Daria:

Of course not. For an extra twenty dollars an hour.

Linda:

Twenty? That's outrageous! Our regular baby sitter only charges half that!

Daria:

Then you won't mind calling her. Tutoring is a full time occupation, and I'm sure you want the best for Sandi's education.

Linda:

(sighs) Very well. I should have expected this kind of behavior from a lawyer's daughter. How is your mother, anyhow? I'm surprised that a woman her age would risk a pregnancy.

Daria:

Hmm, you might have a point. She is getting pretty long in the tooth. In fact, she just turned 44.

Linda:

(gets an angry look on her face (SHE is 45!) turns and hollers up the stairs) Tom! Aren't you ready yet?

Tom:

(Rushes down the stairs.) All right. The reservations aren't for another hour... Who's this?

Linda:

This is Sandi's tutor.

Tom:

Then where's the baby sitter?

Linda:

I'm sure she's capable of both jobs. We'll be back at 10, Daria. Goodbye.

Linda rushes Tom out the door. Soon we hear a car start and pull away. Almost instantly, Sam and Chris come running down the stairs.

Sam:

You're our baby sitter?

Chris:

We don't have to do what you say!

Sam:

Yeah!

Daria:

Come with me, boys. (Daria leads them out to her car, and opens the trunk. She opens the box of comics and extracts twenty comics. Both boys are mesmerised by the huge box full of comics) Now, listen carefully. Here are ten comic books for each of you. (She hands each boys a stack of comics) If I don't see either of you until 9:30, you can have the rest of them. Hiding them from your mother is your problem.

Sam and Chris rush away to read the comic books. Daria heads up to Sandi's room. She knocks on the door, then goes in. Sandi is sitting on her bed. When she sees Daria, she quickly gets off the bed.

Sandi:

Oh. Uh.. why don't we go downstairs for this?

Daria:

No, I think there will be less distractions if we do it in here. (Daria turns and locks the door) There. Now we can concentrate on tutoring.

Sandi:

(nervous, moves to the desk, sits) So umm ah...

Daria:

Look Sandi, you don't have to be intimidated by me. I'm here to help you. You don't want to repeat a year do you?

Sandi:

No, but...

Daria:

But you don't want to be turned into a brain? I'll make you a deal. You don't try to make me over into a fashion person, and I won't try to make you over as a brain.

Sandi:

But... don't you want to be popular?

Daria:

No, I really and truly don't.

Sandi:

I don't understand you at all.

Daria:

No, and I don't understand you or Quinn. We're just different types of people.

Sandi:

Oh yes, Quinn.

Daria:

What's your problem with her? I mean, you two are so alike, I thought you'd be best friends.

Sandi:

We could be, if she wasn't so... competitive. I mean, try to imagine my position, Daria. I was the prettiest and most popular girl in school until she came along.

Camera pans to Daria, who looks lost in a memory. The image gets all wavy, a sure sign of a quick flashback. It's obviously a very old memory, because it's kind of hazy and in black and white. We see a much younger looking Helen and Jake approach a toddler Daria. They hold up a bundle to her.

Helen:

Look sweety. Here's your new little sister!

We see Daria's view, a newborn Quinn coming right at her. The Jaws theme plays as Quinn gets closer.

Daria:

AH! (She crawls away)

Fade back to Daria and Sandi in Sandi's room.

Daria:

I can see that. You were the undisputed leader, then Quinn came along, and now you're not sure if the fashion club is following you or her.

Sandi:

You do understand!

Daria:

Of course I do. Quinn is my sister.

Sandi:

I know that.

Daria:

You do? Then why haven't you ever tried to use it against Quinn?

Sandi:

(Sighs) What would be the point? She'd just turn it around to her own advantage, same as she does everything else. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I mean, coming in second wouldn't be the worst...

Daria:

As long as no one else was first. Look, I know about competitive people. Look how your mom and my mom scrap when their together. It's the same with you and Quinn.

Sandi:

So what should I do? Just give up? Like you did?

Daria:

I didn't give up. I just don't compete with her on her terms. Plus, I don't take the competition seriously, because I know that I have my place and she has hers.

Sandi:

I suppose you're right. I mean, I do only have to put up with her for another year.

Daria:

Unless you don't graduate. So maybe we should hit the books?

Sandi:

Right. (Gets a determined look on her face) Let's hit them.

Fade Out. Season 4 bumper, with Daria tutoring Sandi, Jane's reaction to the Gremlin, and Kara tutoring Quinn.

We see Jane and Daria in Jane's room.

Jane:

Not another public service announcement?

Daria:

No, it's much much worse. Now we're ripping off the official MTV website, by doing 'Ask the Cast'.

CN:

(From offscreen) NO! It's 'Fanfic Letters'! It's nothing like 'Ask The Cast'!

Jane:

How unoriginal.

Daria:

Let's get this over with. This time's letter is from 'SJ'.

Jane:

SJ? Who does she think she's fooling?

Daria:

Never mind. 'SJ' writes "Hey! Why the heck doesn't that fasinating Mary-Sue character 'Diane Small' appear in this fanfic? She is so interesting and enjoyable. She should be in a lot more of the fics!"

Jane:

Well 'SJ', Diane will be back for the next episode, the big romance episode.

Daria:

I think it's called 'That's not Melrose, THIS is Melrose', but I could be wrong.

CN:

(From offscreen) You are!

Jane:

Ok, great then, we're done. Let's go have a smoke.

Daria:

I'm there.

Fade Out.

Back to the show!

Scene 1. Lunchtime gambling

School cafeteria. We see the 'outcast table,' featuring: Daria, Jane, Nora, Cecily, Andrea and Stacy. Suddenly, Jodie approaches.

Jodie:

Well, here are your official prom invitations. (Makes no move to pass them out) You guys aren't going to burn these here, are you?

Daria:

Hmm... that would make an interesting protest. Easier and less embarrassing than burning our bras.

Stacy:

Bra burning! That's soo retro.

Cecily:

Actually, I'm fairly certain Ted wants to go to prom with me.

Nora:

Actually, I was thinking of going too. Chad Page is thinking of asking me.

Kara:

(From offscreen) That rat! (Kara approaches their table) He said he was going to ask me!

Daria:

Calm down and have a seat. (Kara sits, but continues to glare at Nora) Now Nora, what makes you think Chad was going to ask you to prom?

Nora:

Well, I was talking to Quinn...

Daria:

Stop right there. Kara, Quinn knows you've been dating Chad, right? (Kara nods) OK, then it's clearly a case of Quinn trying to distract her tutor.

Kara:

Dammit! I've just about given up hope on her. I made the mistake of telling her she'd scored high enough on the sample test to pass, and then she just lost all interest in it.

Daria:

She just needs the proper motivation. (Looks at her prom invitation) Say, why not make this interesting? Write down who you think will do better on the test, Sandi or Quinn? Losers have to go to prom.

Andrea:

What do the winners get?

Jane:

To laugh at the losers, of course.

Andrea:

Should have seen that coming. Ah, what the hell, I'm in.

The girls all right down their bets, then put them into Daria's backpack. Then they head off to their classes.

Scene 2. After School.

Daria and Sandi are in a booth in the pizza place. Suddenly Jodie Landon approaches.

Jodie:

Daria can I talk to you about something? (She glances at Sandi) In private?

Daria:

(Sees that Sandi looks hurt at this) If this is about your sister... (She rapidly writes something down on a small notebook, then hands the page to Jodie) That's his address. They are probably there now.

Jodie:

Thanks Daria. I'll see you later. (Jodie exits)

Sandi:

Like, I thought you said you didn't want to be popular. But Jodie is the most popular girl in school, and she comes to you for advice. She never asks me for advice.

Daria:

Let's say I don't put any effort into being popular, and leave it at that. Besides, if she had needed fashion advice, do you really think she'd have chosen me over you?

Sandi:

I just don't understand it. Your click runs so much smoother than mine did. I never see Jane plotting to overthrow you. And Stacy, she was always such a basket case in the fashion club. But when she's with you guys...

Daria:

Stacy went through a lot. Part of her problem was the drugs her mother-in-law had her on.⁷ But she also had to deal with things that happened to her. Her mother has seen that she's gotten better care. The reason my 'click' runs more smoothly then yours did is because we don't think of ourselves as a group or a club. We're just friends.

Sandi:

Well... ah... Do you think I can pass the test now?

Daria:

You shouldn't have any problems. What are you going to do about the fashion club?

Sandi:

(sighs) I'll worry about that later. I've got enough on my mind without worrying about that.

Daria:

Good luck with the fashion club. You'll do fine on the test.

Sandi:

Thanks, Daria.

Sandi and Daria leave. Fade out.

Scene 3. Confrontation.

We see Jodie, driving a Honda Accord, through the bad side of Lawndale. (as seen in Season 4 episode Legends of the Mall) She pulls up in front of one of the few houses that is in good repair. Unlike most of the other houses, this one has a well tended yard, is neatly painted, and the yard isn't cluttered with junk. Jodie approaches the door and knocks. The door is opened by Jesse Moreno, who ushers her in.

Jesse:

You must be Jodie. I was expecting you sooner. Have a seat.

Jodie:

Look, I just came to talk to my sister. Where is she?

Jesse:

She's in Danny's room. They're studying. She really is tutoring him, you know.

Jodie:

In his room! (Starts to freak)

Jesse:

Don't you have any faith in your sister at all? (That hits home with Jodie, and she sits back down again) Even if Danny weren't a perfect gentleman, which he is, do you think he'd try something while I'm here?

Jodie:

I'm sorry. I just don't understand why she thinks she has to sneak around like this.

Jesse:

Uh, have you met your parents? Look, I know they may not be the ideal couple, but they're good for each other. She's helping him with his grades, and he's helping her with dealing with being a 13 year old in high school. It may never amount to anything, but what's the harm in it? She can be over stressed when she's in college.

Jodie:

(smiles faintly at that)Good point. (Sighs) Ok, am I calm enough now to see my sister?

Jesse:

I think you are. Follow me.

Jesse leads Jodie upstairs into an attic room. It is decorated in early heavy metal. Rachel and Danny are both sitting at a desk. They both look relaxed. Then they see Jodie. Rachel takes on a very nervous look, as Danny is ushered out by Jesse.

Rachel:

So I suppose I'm going to have to tell mom and dad.

Jodie:

Eventually. I don't know what to do.

Rachel:

At least you can get away in a year. You'll be off at college. Then I'll be stuck taking care of Evan, and being the next super student. I just can't take it.

Jodie:

Eventually, we'll have to have a talk with mom and dad, but for now... (beat) For now, you're just tutoring. I mean, you really are tutoring him, right? It's not as if we're lying to them.

Rachel:

I guess. Well, I suppose we're done for today, anyhow. Let's go. (They go back downstairs. As they pass Danny and Jesse, who are sitting at the kitchen table, Rachel stops) See you later, Danny.

Danny:

Yeah. Later.

Jodie:

Goodbye Danny. Thanks for everything, Jesse.

Jodie and Rachel get into Jodie's car and drive away. Fade out.

Scene 4. Motivation.

The Morgendorffer household. Daria walks by Quinn's room. Inside, we see Quinn and Kara glaring at each other.

Daria:

So, how's this going?

Kara:

She just barely managed to pass the sample test, and now she refuses to study any more.

Daria:

Oh. Well that's just to to bad, I suppose. Sandi's score was high enough for her to qualify for that big scholarship to Fashion University. I guess Quinn will just have to settle for plain old Middleton college. Well, see you guys later.

(Daria exits. Quinn gets a determined look on her face)

Quinn:

Let's go to work.

Fade Out.

Scene 5. Pizza Place.

We see Daria's Nova, Andrea's Firebird, and Jane's Gremlin parked next to each other. Inside the Pizza place, Daria, Jane, Andrea and Stacy sit in a booth, enjoying a pizza.

Daria:

Well, it is now official. You and Tom have two of the most dangerous cars ever made.

Jane:

Oh come on Daria. The Gremlin is in mint condition! It gets great gas milage, and it's gas tank is so huge you can drive halfway across the country without a fill up.

Andrea:

No wonder they explode so spectacularly.

Daria:

Anyway, don't you have to send to Nicaragua for the paperwork?

Jane:

Nah, Penny had signed it over to Trent before she moved out. Fortunately, instead of giving him the title, she left it in the glove box, so we could actually find it. So it's all mine now, free and clear. I can't wait to paint it!

Daria:

So you not only get a non-leaking roof and a clean house with safe wiring, but you also get a car.

Jane:

Yep. There are definitely advantages to having Amish relatives.

Stacy:

Well, maybe you can get a farm for yourself. Then you and Tom can go Amish.

Daria:

How nice. Don't forget to invite me to the barn building, and the quilting.

Fade Out.

Scene 6. Lunch again, several days later.

The Outcasts table, Daria is at the head with a notebook. Also present are: Jane, Nora, Cecily, Andrea, Stacy and Kara Mild.

Daria:

Ok, the results are in: Sandi scored better then Quinn by a small margin. Guess you suckers are all going to prom.

Kara:

You mean no one besides you bet on Sandi?

Daria:

That's about the size of it. I guess you're not the only one who thinks Quinn might be smart.

Andrea:

I can't believe this. So what are you going to do on prom night?

Daria:

I'm going too.

EAT:

(Everyone At Table) WHAT?

Daria:

Lyman already asked me. So I figured I'd share the misery.

Jane:

Speaking of which, look who approacheth.

EAT:

HUZZAH!

Daria:

Stop that. (Sees Quinn and Sandi approaching) Hey. Congratulations on the fashion club getting reinstated.

Sandi:

Thanks. However, we have a bone to pick with you.

Quinn:

We talked to Mr. DeMartino, and he told us there's no such college as Fashion University!

Daria:

It's called motivation. Besides, the higher your score is, the better the college you can get into, and the better the college, the higher the quality of potential husbands, right?

Sandi:

Hmm. A good point. (Sandi and Quinn walk away) You know Quinn, your sister is pretty smart. I don't know why you've been pretending she's your cousin.

Quinn:

Oh, well that was just a silly misunderstanding. It's a funny story, you see... (Quinn's voice trails off as they get out of range)

Daria:

That reminds me, Kara. Helen was so impressed by Quinn's high scores, she wants you to tutor her full time. What do you think?

Kara:

(Closeup of her face) EAP!

View slides over to the side, end credits begin. Don't mess with My Toot-Toot by Plays for the credits.

• Makeovers: (US President Themed).
• Jake as Lincoln.
• Upchuck as Bill Clinton.
• Tom as Nixon.
• Mr. DeMartino as Eisenhower.
• Mystik Spiral as The President of the United States of America (the band).

Footnotes:

1. We learned that Amanda had Amish relatives in Return to Lawndale. back
2. Amanda went to visit her relatives, and would ask them to fix up the Lane house in A Bridge Over Lawndale. back
3. The testing took place in Welcome Back Daria. back
4. He asked her this in Attack of the Killer Cliché. back
5. Danny and Rachel met in Welcome Back Daria. back
6. A toy pirate is someone who buys up action figures then tries to sell them at outragous prices.back
7. We learned all about Stacy's problems in Desperately Seeking Stacy. back

Well, this is my take on Kara's obsession with Quinn. I hope she'll forgive me, and not have me die a horrible death in her next fic. Hey, at least you're not going to Prom with Barry! My apologies go out to Kara Wild, Diane Long, Canadibrit (please don't kill me) and, of course, Robbie. Poor, Poor Robbie. - Crazy Nutso