A wintery scene in Lawndale. We see the Lane household, covered with snow. A crappy, blue Chevy Nova pulls in next to the Tank, which is also parked in the driveway. Daria and Jane get out of the Nova. They are both wearing leather jackets, Jane's has a hood. Daria is wearing a black hat with little skulls on it. They hurry toward the front door.
Jane: Move it! I'm freezing my ass off!
Daria: If it falls off, we'll wrap it in foil and have them reattach it.
Jane: (rushing in the door) BRR!
Daria: (closes the door behind her) Ah, the feeling is returning to my toes already.
Jane: Whatever. So did Helen give permission for you to spend the night?
Daria: Yep. I may have neglected to mention the little trip to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show though.
Jane: Good call. Who knows what Helen would think of that.
Daria: I prefer not to. Who all is going?
Jane: You, me, Trent, Jesse and Max.
Daria: And how are we all going to ride in the tank?
Jane: We're going to put the basement couch in the back.
Daria: Are you sure you want to risk the couch?
Jane: Well Mom is pretty fond of that couch...She got it at a garage sale for 25¢. It was marked 50¢, but mom talked her down.2
At this moment, Trent comes out of the basement, and holds open the door. Jesse comes into view, carrying one end of a couch. When he gets it to the door, it gets stuck. Daria and Jane watch them struggle with it for a few minutes, then go over.
Daria: Go back down five steps, then set it down.
Max and Jesse do so.
Daria: Here's your problem... (she reaches up to one of the couch's 'feet' and unscrews it) These come off. (She throws the 'foot' up, where Jane catches it and puts it into a bag. We see her catch the next five. Daria then comes into view, followed by Jesse, the couch now easily squeezes through the doorway)
Max: Thanks Daria! Now I know why you're the manager and we're the band.
They get to the Tank, and put the couch in, after replacing the 'feet'. They put the couch in the back. Max gets into the driver's seat (yes he's actually going to drive his own van! wonders never cease!) Jesse is in the passenger seat. Jane is in the front of the couch, Daria is in the middle, and Trent is on the end. They drive off as the scene fades out.
Scene 2. Ice Storm.
We see a typical suburban movie multiplex. Close-up of the front doors, which suddenly open and we see a crowd emerging. Some are dressed as characters from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but most are dressed in plain suits and hats, or plain dresses and bonnets. In other words, typical amish garb. We notice it is raining quite hard as Daria, Trent, Jane, Max and Jesse emerge from the theatre.
Daria: Well that was surreal. Are these people actually amish, or is this some weird dress up thing?
Trent: They're amish. There's an amish community near here.
Max: They're like us, criminales! They defy the rules of the land to do as they please.
Daria: Whatever...(she slips on the icy parking lot, Jane catches her) Whoa! Thanks, Jane.
Jane: (quietly) I bet you wish it was Trent that caught you.
Daria: Just don't expect me to catch you, Jane.
They pile into the Tank. We see an overhead shot as the Tank does a massive donut in the icy lot.
Daria: Hey Max, we don't have seatbelts back here, so would you mind not doing donuts?
Max: I'm not wearing a seatbelt either! We're criminales, we don't follow the fascist laws of the state!
Jesse: Yeah.
Jane: Well, stop doing donuts before someone gets hurt.
Max: You won't get hurt Jane, I'm a good driver.
Jane: I meant that we are going to hurt you if you don't knock it off.
Max: (meekly) OK.
We see the Tank drive out of the lot. They drive down a country road, the camera moves in so we see the inside. Jane is at the front of the couch, smirking at Daria, who is in the middle. Trent has fallen asleep, and he is leaning on Daria. (thus the smirk) We hear Detroit, Rock City as performed by The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones. Suddenly:
Daria feels the Tank skid, and assumes that Max is fooling around again. She looks forward to yell at him, but she hears him say "Look out, we're going in!" and realizes he's lost control on the icy road. Suddenly the couch jars backwards, striking the door, which opens. Daria realizes she's flying out the door, and she sees the outside of the Tank moving away from her, seemingly in slow motion. She hears an oddly appropriate lyric from the song..."Gotta laugh, 'cause I know that I'm about to die" She lands across the road, in a snowdrift. Miraculously, she is unharmed, just shaken up and bruised. She starts to walk over to where the Tank has gone off the road, and immediatly slips and falls on the icy road.
Daria: Great. I survive flying out of a van moving at high speed, and now I'll break my leg trying to cross an icy road.
Suddenly both front doors of the van fly open, and Max and Jesse fly out.
Jesse: Oh, man. Please, don't anyone be dead!
We see Trent, lying in the sideditch near where the Tank entered the field. Daria, Max and Jesse all reach him at the same time.
Daria: Trent, are you all right?
Trent: I think so...What happened?
Daria: We slid off the road.
Trent: Where's Janey?
Daria: Oh, shit! (she rushes into the back of the van, we can hear her, but not see her) Jane, are you...Oh, my GOD.
Jane: What happened? My head hurts.
Daria: Hold still Jane...(we hear fabric being ripped) What's your full name?
Jane: What's wrong with you? It's Jane Amber Lane.3
Daria: What's today's Date?
Jane: It's December 21st. What is this a quiz?
Daria: Your head is cut pretty bad. I'm trying to determine if you have a concussion.
Daria and Jane emerge from the back of the Tank. Jane's head is wrapped with a orange colored fabric. She looks pale.
Daria: We've got to get her to a hospital, fast.
Max: There's a house down here. (he takes off running, and immediatly falls on his ass and slides a ways before coming to rest)
The rest of the gang pick Max up, and they walk in the snow toward the house. when they reach it, they ring the bell, and after a while a man comes out.
Daria: Sorry to bother you so late, sir, but our van slid off the road, and my friend was injured. Could we use your phone?
Man: (looks at them suspiciously) I'll call an ambulance and the police. You kids haven't been drinkin' have you? Because I'm an off duty police officer, myself...
Daria: No, we haven't. The roads are really bad.
Man: Well, I can't let you in, I don't want to wake my kids up. (He shuts the door behind him)
Daria: Great.
We see Trent, Max and Jesse all pacing in the snow. Jane is sitting on the steps with her head in her hands. Daria sits near her, looking nervous. Suddenly the man comes back out again.
Man: Well, I called them. They should be here shortly. (he seems to notice Jane for the first time, and kneels down in front of her) Are you OK?
Jane: Well, my ASS is cold.
Man: Maybe you'd better come in. (he takes Jane inside)
A short time later a cop car comes up, followed by an ambulance. Both vehicles slide off the lane as they make the turn into the driveway. The cops get out and talk to Max and Jesse as the paramedics go into the house. They come out with Jane on a stretcher. She is strapped down, and wearing a neck brace. Trent and Daria both approach them.
Trent: I want to ride in the ambulance with her.
Paramedic: Family only.
Trent: I'm her brother.
Daria: And I'm her sister.
Paramedic: OK, let's go.
(They all get into the ambulance, which pulls slowly away)
Fade Out. Bumper comes up, it shows Daria flying out of the back of the Tank.
Commercials:
Here's one for you...How about an ad for 'A Charlie Brown Christmas', showing the scene where Charlie Brown complains about the season being too commercial...Followed by Snoopy's commercial for some insurance company, and the Peanuts gang doing a commercial for 'Zingers'...(although those red zingers ARE delicious!) (do you see the irony here?)
end 'o commercials
We see Daria and Trent pacing in a typical hospital waiting room. Suddenly a doctor comes out.
Doctor: Trent? Daria? If you'll come with me...
The doctor leads them through the hospital
Doctor: Your sister will be fine. I see no signs of a concussion or anything more serious. We did have to put 15 stitches in the cut, but it should only leave a small scar. Incidently, whoever bandaged her up did a good job. You may have saved her life. We're going to keep her overnight for observation, but she should be able to leave in the morning. Here's her room. You can visit for a while, but she'll be sleepy from medication, so you can't stay long.
Daria and Trent enter the hospital room. Jane is lying in the bed. She looks normal, but has a giant band aid across her head.
Trent: Hey Janey, You OK?
Jane: I'm fine Trent. What I can't believe is that you two both get thrown out of the van, and you're fine, but I stay inside and get banged up. (she yawns)
Trent: Well, we'd better be going (he goes up to the bed and carefully hugs his sister)
Jane: Can I talk to Daria for a minute? In private?
Trent: I'll be right outside.
Jane: (after Trent had left) So Daria, What did you use to bandage my head?
Daria: (close-up on her, we notice her coat is buttoned up all the way) Well, Jane, let's just say 'You owe me a shirt'.
Jane: (Does that laugh/cough thing like Trent) Good one, Daria (big yawn) hmm this medication is good stuff.
Daria: Ok then, I'll see you in the morning then...(she goes over and gives Jane an awkward hug, close-up of Jane's face shows she's both surprised and touched by this uncharacteristic display of affection from Daria)
Daria walks out of the room. The scene fades out.
Scene 2. Later the next day.
We see Jane, in her own bed. Daria and Trent are both in the room with her. Jane looks vaguely annoyed.
Jane: Look you two, I don't need you nursemaiding over me. I'm gonna take a couple of these painkillers, and sleep the rest of the day away. And I don't want you two hovering over me like a couple of hens. I'm fine! Didn't Max ask you to get the Tank back?
Trent: Yeah. He had it towed out to his Uncle's farm.
Jane: That the same farm where the future tour bus is stored?5
Trent: Yep.
Jane: Fine why don't you two (we see her smirk at Daria, and Daria narrows her eyes at Jane) go get it. I'll be fine, and I'll sleep better in an empty room.
Trent: Ok, then. We're out of here. Let's go, Daria.
Daria flashes Jane an 'I'll get you for this' look as she leaves. Jane settles back on her pillow with a happy smile.
Scene 3. On the road again.
We see Daria and Trent riding in Trent's Plymouth. Daria looks acutely nervous, not only because she's alone with Trent, but also because it's raining again, and they're on the same country roads that they wiped out on the last time. Country Roads as covered by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes plays in the background.
Daria: Are we almost there?
Trent: Yes, and don't worry, I'm driving extra careful...hey, here's the driveway now.
Trent pulls into a long driveway, to large looking farm. There is a large house, and several large barns. It is now raining VERY hard, and Trent jumps out of the car and goes up to the door of the house. He comes back with a note.
Trent: They're not home, but they say the barn is not locked.
he pulls up to a large barn and gets out. He slips and falls, then gets back up and opens the door. We see the Tank is inside. He carefully walks back to the Plymouth and gets back inside. He pulls the Plymouth into the barn, then shuts the door. Daria gets out of the car. The barn is quite roomy, even with the two vehicles in it. We see a hayloft and a stall with some cows in it at the other end.
Daria: Why'd you pull in here, Trent?
Trent: This freezing rain is too bad, Daria. I don't think it's safe to drive through. We'll have to spend the night here.
Daria: It's gonna get awful cold in this barn...Wait a minute, what's that?
Daria goes over to one side of the barn. There is an old wood burning stove here. It is clean, and looks as if it has been used recently. There is a supply of wood next to it. Daria goes to work starting the stove, while Trent searches the Tank for sleeping bags, coming back with several. There is now a roaring fire inside the stove, and Daria shuts the door on the stove.
Daria: Well, I guess we should bed down.
Trent: Yeah.
Daria and Trent set down sleeping bags at opposite ends around the stove.
Trent: Daria, do you ever wonder what you'll be doing in 5 years?
Daria: College I guess. But I don't know what I'll be studying.
Trent: I've read some of your stuff that Jane's shown me. It's good, you should study Journalism or something.
Daria: Yeah, I might do that. I hate the idea of turning something I enjoy into a career though. What if I start to hate it. Then what would I do for fun? What about you, Trent? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Camera pans to Trent, he's fast asleep.
Daria: (Looking over) Funny, that's what I see you being, too.
We see Daria take off her glasses and lay back as the scene fades out.
Fade Out. Bumper comes up, it shows Daria and Trent in the Plymouth.
Commercial break
Black Screen with text that says "Question and answers with Daria and Jane!" Then we see Jane and Daria in Jane's room.
Jane: Well, it seems there's some confusion about some of Crazy Nutso's fanfics. So we'll clear up some of the confusion.
Daria: First Question: Is this Christmas special thingy part of the "Magical Mystik Spiral" series, or what?
Jane: No, the LAST episode of "The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour" series will be called "Return to Lawndale", and will be out whenever he gets around to writing it. If only he'd stop doing side projects...
Daria: Like this story, and that 'Shipper-wars thing.
Jane: Yeah, what the hell was that about? Who wants to read a fanfic about fanfic writers?
Daria: Fanfic writers. Anyway, he claims it will be the next thing he writes.
Jane: So is that it for the "The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour" series?
Daria: Possibly, although a certain well known 'shipper writer who's initials are "D.L." HAS said she'd like to write a "shipper dream sequence" set during the tour, she's probably lying.
Jane: And will Crazy do more stories set after the tour is over?
Daria: Well, this story is set after the tour, so maybe...
Jane: And to all the fans out there, keep those letters coming in, so next time we won't have to make up these questions!
Daria: And don't forget that all the latest fanfics from SBBED D can be found at quality fanfic sites everywhere. I think.
Jane: She's paying you to endorse her?
Daria: Jealous?
Jane: YES! I want paid too!
End of Commercial break
Scene 1. The Next Morning.
We see Daria sleeping, exactly as we last saw her. There is a loud 'MOO!' from a cow, and she jerks awake. She slowly puts on her glasses and stretches. Then she looks to her left and starts again. The camera pans to show a kindly looking old farmer in the act of milking a cow.
Farmer: Morning, youngster. I guess you and that fella there got caught in the ice storm last night...
Daria: Um, yeah. We were just in an accident on the ice, and we didn't want to risk it again.
Farmer: Don't rightly blame ya. It was so bad last night, The missus and me spent it in town. Roads are OK now though. You must be Max's friends. I'm his uncle Fred.
Daria: Hi. I'm Daria, and this is Trent. Do you think I could use your phone?
Fred: 'Fraid not. Phone and Electric are both out. That's the trouble with livin' out here in the sticks, I'm afraid. It'll be back on in a few hours, if'n you want to wait.
Daria: No, I suppose we should get going.
Fred: Well stop back in any time. And you can keep that bus here as long as you like.
Daria: Thanks. Daria wakes Trent up and they both drive out of the barn, Daria in Trent's car, and Trent in the Tank. They drive noticeably slower than normal, but the roads are fine. They soon arrive at Casa de Lane, and they both go inside. Jane is at the kitchen table, eating pizza.
Jane: (in a 'mock parent' voice) and where were you two last night?
Daria: We got stuck in an ice storm. I suppose Helen called?
Jane: She did indeed call and ask if you could stay here tonight, as she and your father were stranded somewhere due to the ice storm. Your dearest sister also called, probably to complain about being alone in the Morgendorffer abode, and NOT being able to have a party due to the bad weather, however I hung up on her before I could learn why she called.
Daria: Well, yet another crisis averted. So what do we do now?
Trent: We party like it's 1999?
Daria: Let's kill him.
Jane: Ok. (they both grab slices of Pizza and throw them at Trent, who runs away) So what was spending a night with the object of your schoolgirl crush like?
Daria: Say, have you thought about how we're going to explain that gash in your head and that black eye of yours to my folks?
Jane: Do you think they'd even notice? And what black eye?
Daria: The one you're going to get if you don't watch it. I'll see you later. The parental units will expect me to spend quality time with them until New Years Eve, at which time they'll be delighted that I've been invited to a party. You are having a party aren't you?
Jane: We're having a 'Y2K' party in the basement. If civilization is destroyed by Y2K, at least Mystik Spiral will survive, to herald in a new age...
Daria: That's truly frightening. Later. We see the screen go black, then the words "January 1, 2000" appear. We see the Lane house, and Daria and Jane emerge.
Jane: Well I guess the whole Y2K thing was just an overblown bit of media crap.
Daria: DAM.
Fadeout, run end credits to the tune of "Weird" Al Yankovic's Christmas at Ground Zero
Makeovers, Holiday themed.
Jake as Santa.
Trent as Jack Frost.
Daria and Jane as Elves.
Mr. O'Neill as Santa, With Ms. Barch as Mrs. Santa.
Jon Lovitts as 'Chanukah Harry' (We love ya JON!)
<Finí>