Attack of the Killer Clichés

(Instead of the traditional Daria intro, you get the Senior Year series intro instead. The Music is Anti-Social as performed by Anthrax and the intro is Red Dwarf style, ie. it features scenes from the upcoming season (called teasers) actually, I stole the idea from Canadibrit, but DON'T TELL HER!)

• Daria, Jane, Nora, Andrea, Stacy and Cecily leaning against their lockers, looking like the 'Sweat Hogs' from Welcome Back Kotter.
• Daria and Sandi Griffin sitting together at the pizza parlor.
• Jake and Helen in a hospital. Jake is talking intensely to a Korean woman in a hospital bed.
• Daria, in a black dress, stepping out of a hearse.
• Daria flying out of the back of the Tank.
• Tricia Gupty being carried away by zombies.
• Daria wakes up, madeover, and in bed with Trent.
• Daria onstage with the rest of Anti-Teen. Camera zooms in on her face. She gets her "Mona Lisa" smile, then the logo surrounds her and the screen goes green.

We see Jake, sitting at the table, reading a newspaper. Daria enters, sits down, and begins eating toast.

Helen:

(rushing by, suitcase in hand) Got to rush. Big meeting with my lawyer's association.

Daria:

Knock them dead... (quieter) please.

Quinn:

Emergency Fashion club meeting!

Daria:

Tie-dyes coming back into fashion again?

Quinn:

Don't even joke about that, Daria!

Quinn leaves. Jake looks up from the newspaper.

Jake:

Where'd everybody go? They just left without saying goodbye? JUST LIKE OLD MAD DOG! NO TIME FOR BREAKFAST WITH LITTLE JAKEY!

Daria:

I'm here dad.

Jake:

Oh. Hey Kiddo. (glances at his watch) Oops! Better be getting to work. Have a great day, kiddo!

Daria:

There's nothing like having breakfast with your family that makes you appreciate things. Things like NOT having breakfast with your family, for example. (beat) I wonder if he's my real father?

Scene 2. On the way to school.

Jane:

So the 'rents forgot all about your birthday?

Daria:

Nah. Helen will give Quinn some money and tell her to set up a surprise party, and of course Quinn will throw a big party with all her friends. Helen and Jake will be too busy at work to show up.

Nora:

Wow, that's kinda sucky.

Cecily:

Yeah especially your 18^th birthday. When I turned 18 we had a big meal, and we made a special quilt....

Nora:

Oh Cecily! No one wants to hear about our Amish traditions!

Jane:

So why not come over to casa de Lane after school and spend the night? We can have Bad Movie Night.

Daria:

Sounds good. You can rent anything except that crapfest you had last time. The one with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Christina Ricci in it.

Jane:

Yeah, doing a live-action version of a cartoon show is so wrong.

We see Daria and various other students in Mrs. Bennett's Economics class. Mrs. Bennett is in the process of drawing one of her elaborate diagrams when...

Mr. DeMartino:

(Over the intercom) Daria Morgendorffer, PLEASE come to the PRINCIPAL'S office.

Daria gets up from her desk and goes to the principal's office. Mr. DeMartino greets her and gestures her into a chair.

DeMartino:

Daria, you are no doubt WONDERING why you've been called here.

Daria:

I would assume it has something to do with me bringing (in a dead-on 'Ms. Li' impression) glory and honor to Lawndale Hiiiiigh.

DeMartino:

(smiles briefly at Daria's impression) Something to that EFFECT. As you KNOW, this school recently did extensive TESTING. Unfortunately, many of our students FAILED to pass these tests. They will be offered a make-up test in a few months, but if they FAIL that, they'll be held BACK a year. In order to avoid this, we need tutors. So I'm asking some of our better students to become tutors.

Daria:

Hmm. Shouldn't you get Jodie for this?

DeMartino:

I ALREADY asked her. She told me to go to HELL.

Daria:

Dammit! I've taught her too well. Does this tutoring job pay?

DeMartino:

Yes, there is a SMALL payment from the school, curtesy of the new budget. You may also receive a GRATUITY from whomever you're tutoring.

Daria:

Will I be required to tutor certain brain dead athletes or cheerleaders?

DeMartino:

(Bitterly sarcastic) No, to my AMAZEMENT, Kevin and Brittany achieved good scores on the tests. Perhaps SOMEDAY this school will be in the business of producing EDUCATED students instead of FOOTBALL players.

Daria:

Uh... OK, well I'll think about it... (Daria makes a hasty exit)

Daria and Jane are getting into line to buy their 'lunch'. The line is fairly long, and filled with a lot of familiar faces.

Daria:

I've got a bad feeling about this...

Jane:

That's not one of ours....

Daria:

Excuse me?

Pan to a few people ahead in line, Kevin and Brittany

Kevin:

(talking to that some random cute babe) I'm the QB!

Brittany:

OH! You stupid jerk (she storms off.)

Kevin:

But Babe... (he turns to Mack) Sheesh, women. Right Mack-Daddy?

Mack:

Don't call me that, OK?

Jodie:

(talking to the student in front of her) Would you like to join an activity?

Camera pans to the fashion club.

Quinn:

So I thought that if we madeover some pathetic loser, so that they'd look almost as good as us, Mr. DeMartino would see our club's value to the school.

Sandi:

Gee Quinn, since you come up with such great ideas, maybe you should be president of the fashion club.

Quinn:

Oh, Sandi I could never replace you.

Kara Mild:

(In line behind Quinn) Sure you could, Quinn!

Sandi:

Excuse me, but auditions for makeover candidates will be held later. (beat) And you could really use it.

Tiffany:

French Toast lipstick... That's SO wrong. (beat) Does this dress make me look fat?

Sandi:

No Tiffany, that outfit is very slimming.

Stacy:

(In front of them, sarcastic) Oh Sandi, you're so smart.

Upchuck:

(responding to what Stacy said) Grrrr! Feisty!

Ted:

(To Upchuck) Pardon me, but do you know how I might obtain some gum?

Meanwhile, at the front of the line, we see Ms. Barch berating the unfortunate male cashier.

Barch:

What do you mean there's an extra charge for an extra pat of butter? I've worked here for 15 years and I've never had to pay extra for that you lying, cheating...

Mr. O'Neill:

Now Janet, I'm sure this is just a silly misunderstanding, and there's a logical explanation...

Barch:

C'mon skinny!

Ms. Barch grabs Mr. O'Neill and drags him off. The camera pans to a table, where Daria, Jane, Nora and Cecily sit down and begin to eat.

Daria:

Well, that was weird.

Jane:

What was weird?

Daria:

Never mind. (narrows her eyes at Jane) You wouldn't be planning a surprise party for me, would you?

Jane:

Of course not Daria!

Flash pan to Jodie and Stacy, who are passing out cards to people. A close-up of one of the cards reveal that it says "Invitation to Daria's surprise birthday party." Pan back to Daria and Jane.

Daria:

Good, because the last thing I want on my 18^th birthday is a house full of people I don't know competing to see who can vomit first.

Jane:

(Has a 'whoops I blew it ' look on her face, she looks at Nora and Cecily, who have similar looks of dismay on their faces) Oh, well...uh... that's great then.

Fade out, Bumper (one of the funky season 4 moving bumpers, even!) shows a long pan of the cafeteria line. Who says bumpers have to be exciting?

Public Service Announcement # 1.

We see Stacy and Tiffany walking down a sidewalk. Stacy is concentrating on her notes, and doesn't notice the light is against her. Tiffany stops, but Stacy continues on. We hear screeching tires, then a horrible sounding crash.

Voice 1:

Oh my God, you killed Stacy!

Voice 2:

You Bastard!

Tiffany:

Crossing the street against the light, that's so wrong.

Sandi and Quinn approach. Sandi stops, but Quinn, who is rambling on about who knows what, keeps going. We hear another horrible crash.

Quinn:

OW! God!

Sandi:

That's just too too bad.

The screen fades, and the following jingle is played:

When you're walkin' across the street
be careful where you put your feet.
Always be careful and stay alert,
'cause if a car hit's you, it'll HURT!

Public Service Announcement # 2.

We see Daria in the bathroom. She is holding a razor blade, and looking at her wrists.

Daria:

Well... here goes everything...

Daria moves the razor to her wrist, but before she cuts it, her Aunt Amy bursts in...

Amy:

Daria, stop! That is not the way to solve your problems!

Daria:

But Amy, you know what my life is like! What am I suppose to do?

Amy:

Sarcasm, Daria.

Daria:

Sarcasm?

Amy:

Yes, Sarcasm. It's a great way to deal!

Daria:

(Seems to think about it) You're right Aunt Amy! Now I can go on!

Daria and Amy hug

Daria:

You sure give good advice, Aunt Amy.

Amy:

Yes, and I can make good dough, too! Let's go have some!

The scene fades to black, and the following text appears:

Meanwhile, you can hear off-screen voices talking.

Kara:

You know, I will kill you for this... (bt) or sue you, whatever.

CN:

But Kara It's free publicity for your wonderfully entertaining fanfic Abruptly Amy (The Spinoff That Never Was). Besides, you made me sound so nice in your 'Author's Notes', I had to do something to get back my edgy rep back.

Kara:

Or icky. It's so hard to tell the two apart these days...

Back to the show!

Scene 1. SURPRISE!

Daria and Jane are in Jane's room. Daria is lying on the bed, and Jane is drawing.

Daria:

So Nora and Cecily do all your cooking now?

Jane:

Well, Trent and I are not in the habit of cooking, and Wind isn't much of a chef either.¹ Plus, it's their way of paying rent.

Daria:

Wow, it'll almost be like a normal home around here. Whatever 'normal' means.

Jane:

Yeah. Mom is even planning to bring some of her Amish relatives² to fix up some of the problems with the house.

Suddenly, and without warning, there is a loud THWANG! sound, and we hear Mystik Spiral start to play Alice Cooper's 18. Badly.

Jane:

Ooh. The Spiral is playing your song. Come on birthday gal, let's see if we can get down there before they mess up.

Daria:

(As they walk down to the basement) Why is all the furniture in the house moved toward the walls?

As they reach the bottom of the stairs, a bunch of people jump out from various places and yell "Surprise!"

Daria:

(Turns to Jane) Have I mentioned lately that I hate you?

Jane:

(Seems to think about it.) Yes. Yes you have.

Scene 2. You've got to fight for your right to..Oh shut up!

Daria and Jane are walking through a crowd of people...all of the main cast, plus a few of those beloved characters you always see in the background. Then they reach mister 'overexposed in season 4' himself, Tom.

Tom:

Hey Janey. Hey Daria. Howzabout a birthday kiss?

Daria:

Get the hell away from me.

Jane:

Yeah! Anyhow, that's my job. (Before Daria can react, Jane grabs her and gives her a big smooch) Yowza!

Daria:

Here, have a tic-tac. I'm going to go mingle. (Daria wonders off)

Daria wonders around the basement, and sees Diane Small³

Daria:

What are you doing here?

Diane:

Observing the human condition. This punch is excellent by the way.

Daria:

Spiked?

Diane:

(tipsy voice) Yup. (beat) By an expert. (beat) Me. Who's the singer of this band? He's cute!

Daria:

He's a little young for you, isn't he?

Diane:

What do you mean? I'm only thir... I mean in my twenties. Yes, early twenties.

Daria:

I'm gonna go mingle some more. You're creeping me out.

Daria goes over to another part of the basements, where she finds CB⁵ and Andrea, the goth chick.

Andrea:

Then he refers to me as 'the goth chick', so naturally I decked him.

CB:

Yeah, I don't blame you. Oh, hey Daria.

Daria:

Hey Andrea, aren't you the bouncer of this party?

Andrea:

Yeah.

Daria:

So how'd Monique get in?

Andrea:

She gave me 50 bucks.

Daria:

And Upchuck?

Andrea:

A Hundred.

Daria:

Hmm... well he's buggin' the hell out of the guests, can't you get rid of him?

Andrea:

I told him he wouldn't be thrown out...

CB:

I'll 'andle him.

CB approaches Upchuck and whispers something in his ear. Upchuck gets his sleaziest grin and goes upstairs with her. 15 minutes later, CB comes back, with a Daria-like smirk on her face.

Daria:

How did you dispose of the body so quickly?

CB:

I just took him up to an unused bedroom, told him I was kinky, and tied him to the bed.

Daria:

Clothed?

CB:

Damn right clothed. Told him I wanted to undress him later. (shudders at the thought) EWW! Anyhow, he won't be bothering anyone for a while.

Andrea:

...and there was much rejoicing.

Daria:

Yeah.

CB:

Hey! I do the Monty Python references around here!

Andrea:

Sorry. Daria wanders off, encountering Kara Mild sitting in a corner, drinking punch.

Kara:

(sounds slightly tipsy) Hey Daria. I wanted to talk to you about your sister.

Daria:

(waits for Kara to continue. When she doesn't...) About?

Kara:

(Distracted from the booze, continues) Right, umm.. OH! Don't you think that, if Quinn really applied herself, she could be as smart as you?

Daria:

Let me think about it. No.

Kara:

But... just think about it, if Quinn would just admit she has brains, you two could be bestest buddies! (hic)

Daria:

Well, I don't know about that. I don't think Quinn will ever be 'book-smart'. Even if she wanted to be, which of course she doesn't. On the other hand, she does manage to keep track of all her fashion crap, and she's a master of people manipulation. I suppose it depends on your definition of smart. For example, you get A's in mathematics, while Andrea gets D's. But Andrea could take the engine of your car out, find any problems and put it back together again. So who is smarter, her or you? It's all in how you look at it.

Kara:

(seems moved to tears) Tha' is the most (hic) profound thing I have ever (burb) heard...

Daria:

Ok... How many of those punch glasses have you had?

Kara:

(seems to think about it) I lost count. Anywho, these aren't glasses they're cups... (hic) Speaking of glasses doesn't Quinn wear glasses?

Daria:

Kara, you are aware that this Punch is spiked aren't you?

Kara:

Spiked? You mean with Alcohol? Oh no! That must be why I feel like passing out...

Kara collapses into the corner. Daria sighs and covers her with a blanket. Then Daria walks over to a table, where Jane, Tom, Diane, Trent and CB are playing a drinking game. Jane motions for Daria to join them.

Jane:

Come on Daria, join the game!

Daria:

No way. I don't drink.

Jane:

Oh come on Daria, don't be so timid. It's easy and fun. Someone asks a question, and if your answer is yes, you have to drink.

Daria:

(Sits down) Fine. But I'll bet I regret this.

Jane:

(Wicked smirk) Who wants to date my brother?

Daria and Trent both glare at Jane, Diane takes a drink.

Daria:

(thought voice) I was right, I regret it. (out loud) If you're about to be killed by your best friend, drink.

Jane drinks.

We see a wide shot of the Morgendorffer home. We see Sandi's Convertible, Kevin's Jeep and the car the three J's ride in (as seen in The Road Worrier) Camera pans to an inside view. The living room is pretty messy, and Kevin and Brittany are making out on the couch. Moving toward the dining room, we see the three J's lying on the floor, having beaten each other in yet another pointless squabble over Quinn. The fashion club (Sandi, Quinn, Tiffany and Brooke, if you're keeping score at home) Are sitting around the table. Brooke is passed out. There is a fifth of Jack Daniels Whiskey and a two litter bottle of Dr. Pepper on the table, both of which are about empty. It is clear that some kind of competitive drinking game is going on. Did I mention that Some Really Awful Song by Some Crappy Boy Band was playing in the background? No? Be thankful then!

Sandi:

Gee Quinn, this would have been a great party if more people had shown up. I guess they all decided to go over to your cousin's party instead. That's just too, too bad.

Tiffany:

(voice is even slower than usual, and kinda slurred) Yeah. Say weren't we supposed to give some loser a makeover or something? (after saying this, she slumps over forward, passed out)

Sandi:

Oh that's right. And your cousin could really use a makeover, too. Let's go Quinn.

Quinn reluctantly follows Sandi out the door. Sandi stops at her car, opens the trunk, and gets out a huge makeup case, which she hands to Quinn to carry. They then slowly walk to Jane's house.

Back in the Lane basement, we see the drinking game is still going on. Tub Thumping by Chumbawamba plays in the background. We see that Diane has passed out onto Trent, who doesn't look entirely unhappy about the situation. Jane and Tom both look a bit woozy, and Daria appears to be barely conscious.

Trent:

Well, I think I'm going up to my room for some sleep. Catch you guys later. (he exits)

Daria:

Ok, who's turn.. Oh God. (She is looking off to the left)

Jane:

Whahs the matter?

Daria:

Look over at 9 O'clock.

Jane:

(looks at her wrist, where a watch would be, but isn't) What happens at 9 O'clock?

Daria:

You know, like the hands of a clock? (gestures in front of her, sweeps her arm like a clock as she speaks) 12 O'clock, 1 O'clock, 2 O'clock...(Sees that Jane still has a blank look on her face) Everything in your life is digital, isn't it? (Jane nods vigorously) Just look over there, ok? (She points, the camera scrolls to show Cecily and Ted making out in the corner of the basement)

Jane:

Ew, former almost boyfriend making out with one of your friends. Icky.

Daria:

Or edgy. they're so hard to tell apart these days. (she sighs) This night can't get any worse. (Right after Daria says this, the camera pans to show Sandi and Quinn entering the basement)

Jane:

Every time you say that it does. Well, maybe we should retreat to... Daria? (We see that Daria has finally passed out) C'mon Tom, help me carry Daria upstairs. And WATCH YOUR HANDS!

Tom and Jane carry Daria up the basement steps, Sandi and Quinn watch them go by...

Sandi:

This is perfect Quinn. We'll makeover your cousin while she's asleep. Then, when she wakes up, she'll think she was transformed! She'll be so grateful that she'll talk Mr. DeMartino into letting us stay an official club.⁶

Quinn:

You're so smart Sandi!

Suddenly the camera pans back. Quinn looks into Sandi's eyes, and Sandi looks into hers. As one, the rush into each others arms. Soon they are kissing passionately. Suddenly, there is a popping sound, and the image dissolves...

Sandi:

Quinn? Are you, like, ok or something? You've got a strange look on your face...

Quinn:

(Quinn looks blank for a minute, then cringes, then regains her composure) Never mind, Sandi. We've got a makeover to do, and it may be our toughest challenge yet. (Thought Voice) And I will never ever again eat daddy's "Italian Surprise." No freakin' way.

Meanwhile, upstairs...Tom and Jane are still dragging the unconscious Daria. Jane stops at the door to her brother's room, and gets a wicked smirk on her face.

Jane:

Let's put her in bed with Trent!

Tom:

Are you sure that's such a good idea? I mean, what if Trent wakes up?

Jane:

He won't. She'll wake up, and not have a clue as to how she got there. It'll be funny!

Tom:

Well, if you say so...

Tom and Jane carry Daria into Trent's room. They come out, and Jane enters her own room. She gives him a kiss, then shuts the door in his face. We hear the sound of the lock locking.

Tom:

Well, you win some, ya lose some.

Tom goes back down into the basement. We see Sandi and Quinn come upstairs. Sandi approaches Jane's door and tries to open it.

Sandi:

If you find one that's locked, move on to the next one. (they enter the next room, then exit it quickly) EWW! Why would they have Upchuck tied to a bed?

Quinn:

I don't even want to think about it. (she opens the door to Trent's room) There she is! Let's go to work!

Sandi and Quinn enter the room, shutting the door behind them. A notation springs up, which says "45 minutes later" Sandi and Quinn come out again.

Quinn:

Our best work ever.

Sandi:

Yes, now let's go back to the basement, and see if anyone else needs our assistance...

Sandi and Quinn return to the basement. The camera pans back to Trent's bedroom door. another notation appears, this one says "several hours later, 5:03 AM". The camera pans through the door, to show the bed. The first rays of sunshine are shining through the window. Suddenly, Daria sits up, pulling the covers off of Trent. Daria's hair is done up in some elaborate style, and her face is caked with makeup. She looks ready to scream, but doesn't want to wake up Trent.

The bumper comes up. It shows: Tiffany passing out, Kara Mild passing out, Daria passing out, then Daria springing awake.

First Commercial

We see the 3 J's car parked at 'Lover's Lane'. A blanket is spread on the ground, and Quinn is unceremoniously tossed onto it. Her hands are tied behind her back, leading us to believe that perhaps something is amiss...

Joey:

All right! We're finally gonna nail Quinn.

Jeffy:

Yeah.

Jamie:

Who gets to go first?

The three glare at each other, and the predictable fight breaks out. The camera pans to show a convenient large rock, with Daria and Jane hiding behind it.

Daria:

Well, it looks like Quinn's hedonistic lifestyle has finally gotten her into trouble. We'd better save her.

Jane:

Why? (Daria glares at her) I mean How?

Daria:

We'll need to distract them.

Jane:

You mean besides the distraction of their fight?

Daria:

Yes, besides that.

Voice:

Maybe I can help.

the camera pans to show the source of the voice: It's Twinky The Kid! Yes, a giant animated twinky, dressed like a cowboy.

Daria and Jane:

TWINKY THE KID!

Twinky:

Let's do some good!

The 3 J's have finished their fight and are about to draw straws when...

Jamie:

Hey, LOOK! Hostess ^® Twinkies^™!

Joey:

Who can resist that light, fluffy cake?

Jeffy:

Or that yummy cream filling?

While the three J's pig out on delicious Hostess ^® Twinkies^™, we see Jane in the background, carrying Quinn away over her shoulder. Daria, on the other hand, is approaching a familiar looking car. It's Mr. O'Neill's car that we saw in Monster. We see Daria talking to someone inside the car, but we can't see who. Shortly, we see the 3 J's milling around the blanket where Quinn was.

Jeffy:

Well, we didn't get to rape Quinn, but at least we got to enjoy yummy Hostess ^® Twinkies^™.

Suddenly we see Ms. Barch approaching the three J's at a run. She holds aloft a large broadsword, which is engraved with the name 'Lorena'. The three J's scream in fear, but the scene mercifully fades before we can see their horrible fate...

Second Commercial

Bananas and Blow by Ween begins to play. We see the Fashion Club, Quinn, Sandi, Brooke and Tiffany gathering around a table. Sandi is setting up lines. Then they all snort coke. A few minutes later, they all fall over dead. Bright red text appears reading:

Drugs Kill

Suddenly Daria come in through the front door.

Daria:

Ok, look parents. Propaganda like this just plain DOES NOT work. Sooner or later your dear, sweet innocent child will be out in the real world, and will discover that drugs DON'T kill on contact. What we need is education, not Propaganda. Teach your children the REAL consequences of drugs. Oh, and don't use actors as role models. (Daria pulls out a cigarette and lights up.) Because we're not (Daria blows smoke at the camera, which then fades out)

Back to the show!

Scene 1. "Sweet is revenge - especially to women."⁷

We see Daria, in her normal clothes, but still with her hair and face all 'made-over'. She quietly closes the door. When she turns, we see she looks VERY angry. Considering the training she received in Ms. Barch's Take Back The Night self-defense class,⁸ this would be a very bad time to accost her.

Suddenly, Daria is accosted by Monique.

Monique:

HEY! What were you doing in Trent's bedroom?

Daria:

(glares at Monique) Use your imagination, honey.

Monique:

Alright, tha' does it! I don't know what Trent saw in you last night, homecoming queen, but we're gonna have this out right now! I'll even let you have the first lick. Come on...take your best shot.

Daria:

Well, ok, you asked for it...

Daria executes a flying spin kick to Monique's head. Luckily for Monique, Daria is only wearing socks, or the blow might have seriously injured, or even killed her. Instead she is merely rendered unconscious. As she falls to the ground in a heap, we see CB approaching. CB looks as though she is about to make one of her patented smart-arsed remarks, when Daria stops her with a glare. Daria the goes into the bathroom, coming out after 35 minutes of hard scrubbing looking mostly normal. Her hair is back in its normal style. She sees that CB is still there, standing over Monique.

CB:

So... you were in Trent's bedroom, eh? Wink, wink....Nudge Nudge..Chortle chortle.

Daria:

I'll let you live if you help me with Monique.

CB:

Some kind of fiendish revenge? Sounds like my style. What'd you have in mind? (Daria whispers something to CB, while CB doesn't quite smile (she never does) she does smirk briefly) Evil, cruel and totally uncalled for. I like it!

Daria and CB drag Monique into a room. They emerge a few minutes later with near smiles on their faces.

CB:

That sign was totally uncalled for.

Daria:

Especially since it was untrue.

CB:

By the way, should I ask why you have all these handcuffs? Wink, Wink...Nudge, Nudge...

Daria:

Jane was using them for some art project or another. Speaking of which... (Daria approaches Jane's door. It is, of course, locked) Nice try, Jane (She pulls a small tool from her pocket and quickly picks the lock)

CB:

What are you going to do?

Daria:

It's best you don't know. But think about this: Ezekiel 25:17 "And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them."

Daria enters Jane's room, emerging again in 20 minutes. She has two handcuffs in her hand.

Daria:

Well, just one more spot of business in the basement, then I'm off to home. G'bye.

CB:

See you later...my young apprentice.

Scene 2. Aftermath.

We see Jane's room, in total darkness (so how do we know it's Jane's room? Just take my word for it, OK?)

Jane:

OH $#!^! What did I do? What was I thinking? God, Daria's gonna kill me... Wait, she didn't kill me. I'd better call her. (sound of phone dialing, then the screen splits to show a 'just woke up' looking Daria in one half, and the dark room in the other) Daria? I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry about putting you in bed with Trent.

Daria:

It's ok... say, you haven't turned the lights on yet, have you?

Jane turns on a light. We see that her face has been painted up like a clown, with a red nose, and her hair is dyed pink.

Jane:

AHGH!

Daria:

I went easy on you. Wait till you see what I did to Sandi, Quinn, Monique, oh, and of course Tommy. Just remember, "Virtuous people often revenge themselves for the constraints to which they submit by the boredom which they inspire."⁹

Jane:

OK, thanks, I think....

There is a knock on the door, and Jane opens the door to reveal Sandi and Quinn, in the middle of one of their typical arguments, with Tom in the middle. They are all handcuffed together, and Tom looks desperate.

Tom:

Jane...Please tell me you have the keys to these handcuffs!

Jane:

Wow, she did let me off easy. (beat) I wonder what she did to Monique?

Scene changes to show Upchuck, still tied to a bed. Monique has been handcuffed to him. She wakes up, looks around blearily, then screams. The camera pans to show a sign on the wall, which says "The keys are down the front of his pants." The scene fades, and the credits begin. Bastards Of Young by The Replacements plays.

Makeovers: (Sesame Street based).

CB as Oscar the Grouch.

Diane as Elmo.

Helen as Big Bird.

Daria as Bert, with Jane as Ernie.

Jake as The Count.

Footnotes:back

1. Wind moved back home in Meanwhile, back in Lawndale.back
2. We found out about Amanda's Amish roots in Return to Lawndale.back
3. Diane Small was introduced in Welcome Back Daria.back
4. There was no 4.
5. CB was also introduced in Welcome Back Daria.back
6. The Fashion Club was put on probation by principal DeMartino in Welcome Back Daria. Man a lot of stuff happened in that one.back
7. George Gordon, Lord Byron, Don Juan, I. 124.back
8. Daria's participation in this class was revealed in Desperately Seeking Stacy.back
9. Gustave Le Bon.back

Author's Notes:

Well, this was pretty durn silly. If I had bothered to footnote each and every 'cliché' and 'trend' in this, the footnotes would have been enormous, so I didn't bother. Hope you're not too confused. If you'd like to read a slightly wackier, and very well done take along this same theme, might I recommend Hey Hey it's a cliché by Patrick Leland? It's the same theme, but he doesn't have to worry about trying to maintain a semblance of continuity or canon. A fun read! As usual, my apologies go out to Kara Wild, Diane Long, Canadibrit (please don't kill me) and, of course, Robbie. Poor, Poor Robbie.

- Crazy Nutso