Never Mind The Bollocks Here´s Anti-Teen!

A Daria Fan Fiction set during The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series

By Crazy Nutso

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction (or a desperate plea for help....you be the judge) Daria & her amazing friends are ™ and © MTV. Daria and all other characters belong to MTV, but were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. Doesn't that just suck? All music, pop culture references, and the like are probably ® ™ and © also but I'm to damn lazy to look it up. Used without permission...Please don't sue me :>]

(Instead of the traditional Daria intro, you get the The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour series intro instead. The Music is Get Your Kicks On Route 66 as performed by The Cramps (`cause I love that song!!) and the intro is Red Dwarf style, ie. it features scenes from the upcoming season (called teasers))

Jane carrying an unconscious Jodie over her shoulder.
The fashion club is in the bus bathroom, doing their grooming rituals, outside the door, a line is beginning to form.
Jane, Daria, and Jodie standing back-to-back-to-back in fighter's stance, they appear to be in a bar, and judging by all the broken furniture/people laying on the floor, you might assume they're in a bar fight.
The fashion club is STILL at it, and outside we see the line has grown longer, and the people in it look more impatient.
A shot of a cemetary, the camera moves in on 1 particular tombstone. The ground is still heaped out, so we know this is a fresh grave. The inscription on the tombstone reads "Here Lies Thomas Barch". Their is a single red rose laying on top of the grave.
The line outside the bathroom is now HUGE. Ms. Li pushes to the front, opens the door with a key, and pulls the fashion club out. Pan to the front of the bus, where Daria has just come down the steps. She gets her "Mona Lisa" smile, then the logo surrounds her and the screen goes blue.

The Logo screen reads: Daria in: "Never Mind The Bollocks Here´s Anti-Teen!"

ACT I. Flashbacks and Dream Sequences

Scene 1. Dream Sequence.

The scene opens in a typical women's prison. Three inmates are gathered around a fourth. She is painting a mural on the far wall of the cell. The camera pans back to show 2 guards approaching. They are Mr. O'Neill & Mr. DeMartino.

Mr. O'Neill: It's time Lane.

We see the painter turn toward the guards. We see it is an older Jane. She is dressed in prison greys. She heads for the cell doors, which are being opened.

The camera pans to a street. An old cop car flashes by. The camera zooms in on the driver. It's an older version of Daria. We see her knuckles gripping the steering wheel. The word 'Daria' is written across her knuckles.

Back at the prison, Jane is being led through the prison. They come to a door.

Mr. DeMartino: THIS is IT Ms. LANE.

They open the door. They step up to a man behind a window. It's Jake.

Jake: What've ya got?

Mr. O'Neill: Prisoner release. Good behavior. Number 8675309.

Jake: Give me a minute.

Jake goes back to look for something. Jane stands right in the window, running her fingers across the bottom of the window. We see the word 'Jane' written on her knuckles. Jake returns, and gives Jane a dirty look. He looks at the guards, and they quickly pull her back behind a yellow line on the floor.

Jake: OK. Your possessions:

One black suit jacket.
One pair of black suit pants.
One hat, black.
One pair of sunglasses.
Twenty three dollars and seven cents. Sign here.

Jane leans forward, so she can sign without crossing the yellow line. She signs, then pushes back. She is led off with her possessions.

We see the cop car slide into a gravel area across from the front doors of the prison. Daria gets out. She is wearing a black suit jacket, black suit pants, black hat, and black sunglasses. She leans against the car door with her arms crossed. The front door of the jail opens, and Jane emerges. She is now dressed just like Daria. They approach each other, and hug.

They get into the car and pull away. Seasons in the Sun as covered by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes plays in the background. Jane looks around the car. She grabs the lighter, looks at it, then tosses it out the window.

Jane: So what's the deal with this car?

Daria: What do you mean?

Jane: This car, this stupid car.

Daria: I got it at the Lawndale policeman's auction. It's an old Lawndale police car. They were practically giving them away.

Jane: Well that's just fine. I finally get out of jail, and my own best friend picks me up in a cop car.

Daria: You don't like it?

Jane: No. I don't like it.

Daria squeals the tires. The car is at a drawbridge, and the bridge is going up. Daria guns the car past the gate and over the edge. The car flies across, but suddenly the bridge is gone. The car is flying through midair with Chicago in the background. As it reaches the top of its climb, Daria and Jane look at each other.

Jane: I've always loved you.

Daria: This is no time for jokes!

They begin to fall, going faster and faster as they approach the ground. However, before they hit, a bright light from the heavens shines down on the car, and it slows down, to gently settle on the ground. Daria looks stunned and as she looks over at Jane, she looks even more surprised. Jane is glowing.

Jane: THE BAND!

Daria: The band?

Jane: THE BAND!

Daria: THE BAND!

Daria jerks awake in a hotel room. We see she's in bed with Jane (get your mind out of the gutter, haven't you ever had to share a hotel room with a group?) In the next bed is Andrea and Stacy. Jodie is sacked out on the floor.

Daria: THE BAND!

Everyone else is jerked awake.

Everyone else: Huh?

Daria: (embarrassed) Oh, um, nothing.

Jane: (quietly, to Daria) You had the 'Blues Brothers' dream again? (Daria nods) You're just nervous about the show next week. Don't sweat it. We're ready. Now go back to sleep.

They both lay back down and go back to sleep. Fade out.

Scene 2. Flashback 1.

We see the surprisingly familiar setting of Daria's Rubber Room.¹ Quinn is just storming out. She slams the door behind her.²

Daria: Well, that went well, don't you think?

Jane: Yeah...(sounds nervous) um Daria.

Daria: YES?

Jane: Remember when I had to get that rare collectable thingy from Buddy so we could use it to pay Upchuck?³

Daria: Yes. I was wondering how you paid for that. (beat) How did you pay for that?

Jane: Well, his friends in Seattle needed a band for a benefit concert...

Daria: (sounds relieved) Whew! You just got an extra gig for Mystik Spiral? Wow. You had me worried for a second.

Jane: Well....Actually they don't want a GUY band... they want a GRRL band.

Daria: A GRRL band? Where are we going to get... (sees how Jane is looking at her) OH no.

Jane: But you told me you played some guitar in camp...⁴

Daria: A little and that was ages ago.

Jane: Well, I've got some friends who once told me that if I give them 48 hrs, they'll teach anyone to play the guitar.

Daria: That's impossible. Anyway who are these friends of yours?

Jane: Dean & Gene Ween.

Daria: You know Ween?⁵

Jane: The very same. They're GUITAR GODS!

Daria: Alright, you've convinced me. I'll give them 48 hours to turn us into a band. But where do we get the rest of the band?

Jane: Let's worry about that later. At the very worst, we can just have the two of us and do folk songs.

Daria: Blech!

Jane: Tell me about it.

The scene fades out.

Scene 3. Still Flashback 1.

We see Daria and Jane, in Trent's car, pull up to an old farmhouse out in the country. Gene & Dean Ween emerge from the house. They are dressed in robes, like the Jedi masters wear.

Gene: So....You've come to study the guitar.

Dean: To know the ways of the guitar, you must first know the ways of your own inner soul.

Daria: Can we cut the crap and just get on with it?

Gene: Very well then, let the training begin!

What follows is a good, ol' montage sequence. The Guitar Song by The Dead Milkmen plays in the background.

Jane and Daria playing guitars. Gene and Dean hold their hands over their ears and look like they're in great pain.
Daria and Jane, with Gene & Dean behind them, playing. Gene & Dean are showing them things on the guitars.
Daria and Jane drinking coffee, looking tired, as their lessons go on.
Daria and Jane playing guitars again. This time Gene & Dean are listening, but still with pained looks on their faces.
Daria & Jane are at beach. They are balancing on top of long poles set into the beach. They are trying to keep their balance and play guitar at the same time. Needless to say, they both fall off the poles. We see Gene and Dean laughing hysterically. Daria & Jane pick up the guitars, hold them up like clubs, and chase the Ween brothers offscreen.
Daria, Jane, Gene and Dean all 'rocking out' on guitars. It's obvious that both Jane and Daria are now quite adept at playing.

Daria and Jane both throw bags into the trunk of Trent's car. They are obviously preparing to leave.

Daria: Well it's been....educational.

Jane: Yeah, thanks guys, we owe you one.

Gene: That's OK Jane. Our goal is just to spread music and joy throughout the world.

Dean: Yeah. You should have Trent and his band come here for a session. I'm sure they could use it.

Jane: You said it! But what does their manager think?

Daria: I think it's a great idea. They'll be up before the end of the month. See ya.

Daria and Jane get into the car and drive away. Scene fades.

Scene 4. Flashback 2.

Daria, Jane, Stacy, Andrea and Jodie are all sitting on the couch in the back of the upstairs of the tour bus. The privacy curtain is in place.⁶

Daria: Now then, you've all expressed an interest in joining our 'GRRL' band, right? (Group nods, Daria continues) Andrea, you play the drums, (pan to Andrea, who nods) Stacy, you play bass, (pan to Stacy, also nods) and Jodie, you play several instruments, but most importantly, you're willing to sing, which is more than the rest of us wants to do (pan to Jodie, who nods) Great. So what kind of music should we do?

Jane: (enthusiastic) Let's be a KISS cover band!

Daria: You just want to do the makeup, don't you?

Jane: Yeah.

Daria: Well forget it. This benefit is for a gay and lesbian legal defense club. I doubt that 'KISS' is their speed.

Stacy: Say does this band have a name?

Jane: Helpful Corn?⁷

Daria: No. How about 'something something explosion'?⁸

Jane: No.

Andrea: How about 'Gothic Maidens'?

Jodie: EWW! (Sees Andrea glare at her) EEP!

Daria: No, I've got it. (She pulls out an issue of VAL magazine. You should be familiar with this issue)⁹ Our band shall be called....Anti-Teen.

Everyone else: Yeah!

The scene fades. The bumper comes up, showing Daria, Jane and Ween rocking out.

Commercial Break

We see a poor, broken down apartment room. We see a man seated on a beat up chair. He has a gun in his hand. He puts the gun in his mouth, and just as he is about to pull the trigger....the phone rings. A look of total shock crosses his face, but he sets the gun aside and answers the phone.

Man: Hello?

Voice on phone: Hello, Reginald Phillini?

Reggie: (surprised) Yes. Who is this?

Voice: This is Joe Asner. I'm a psychic with Crazy Nutso's psychic Hotline.

Reggie: But...I didn't call a psychic hotline...

Joe: Of course not! Our competition works that way. Making you call them. What good is that? But at Crazy Nutso's psychic Hotline we call you when our psychic powers tell us you need us. And for a very reasonable monthly fee!

Reggie: But I haven't paid anyone...

Joe: Of course not! This is a free sample. But lets get to your problem...(voices fade out as does the screen it fades back in in a much nicer apartment)

Reggie: As you can see, I've turned my life around! and I owe it all to Crazy Nutso's psychic Hotline. Don't wait for your free sample. Join now and have a team of psychics working for you.

The screen goes black, and ordering info comes up, an announcer also reads the info. You may notice small print at the very bottom of the screen that reads:

This commercial is NOT based on a true story. It is completely made up. This service is for entertainment purposes only. No actual psychics are employed by Crazy Nutso's psychic Hotline. The monthly fee is for a subscription to our monthly newsletter. Please don't commit suicide.

End of Commercial break

ACT II. More flashbacks and another dream sequence.

Scene 1. Still flashback 2.

The members of Anti-Teen are still on the couch in the back of the tour bus. The privacy curtain is still drawn.

Jane: So now all we need is an original tune to play.

Daria: That's going to be tough. I can write lyrics, but not music.

Jane: (Mischievous grin) what about I'm a teen holiday, and it sucks? Or don't you remember that song?

Daria: Oh God. Yes, I remember that song.

Stacy: What are you guys talking about?

Jane: Well, you see it all happened one time when Daria was spending the night at my house...

Jane's voice fades out. The screen fills with psychedelic colors as it moves on to the next scene. The opening of Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze plays in the background.

Scene 2. Flashback within a flashback? That's soo wrong!

Daria and Jane in Jane's room. Jane is painting, Daria is reading The Hobbit.

Daria: I'm starving. Is their anything to eat in your fridge? (Waiting for a response, none comes) Great. I'll just go check, OK? (still no response) OK. (she leaves the room)

Jane is still painting. Daria comes back with a bowl of food. She sits on the bed and eats it. Camera pans to Jane, who suddenly starts sniffing the air.

Jane: What's that smell?

Daria: This stuff I found in your fridge. It's good.

Jane: Food? In our fridge? (She looks at what Daria is eating) Um...will you excuse me for a minute, Daria? I have to...um go see what mom's up to. (Jane rushes out of the room. We see her hurrying down into the basement. She runs up to Amanda Lane, who is calmly working at her kiln) Hey mom.

Amanda: What is it, dear?

Jane: Did you have some food in the fridge? In a yellow bowl?

Amanda: Oh, thats not food, Jane. that's some of my mushroom surprise. Your father and I will be expanding our minds later on.

Jane: Um.. Let's just suppose someone.. Say Daria, for example, happened to eat the whole bowl. what would happen to her? In theory?

Amanda: Has she, in theory, thrown up yet?

Jane: Thrown up?

Amanda: Yes dear, you see, these mushrooms are poisonous. the mind expanding effect is just a side effect that takes place after you throw up.

Jane: Well...(We hear Daria vomiting in the background) I would say she has thrown up. Theoretically.

Amanda: Keep her calm and watch over her. She's going to have an odd trip.

Jane: For how long?

Amanda: Oh, I don't know, 15 or 16 hours, at the most.¹⁰

Jane: Argh! (she runs back upstairs)

Daria: I'll sign (beat) your petition.

Jane: Who are you talking too?

Daria: (doesn't hear Jane) Oh I get it. You're crazy.

We see a montage of scenes, where Jane is chasing Daria around the house, trying to keep her from injuring herself. Mushroom Festival in Hell by Ween plays in the background. Finally we see Daria playing I'm a Teen Holiday and it Sucks from Depth Takes a Holiday it's obvious that she's been hallucinating that episode the whole time.¹¹

The scene fades, and the next scene shows Jane's room. It's morning. Jane is passed out on the floor. Daria is on the bed, tangled up in the blankets. She looks pretty out of it. There is a knock at the door. Daria opens it. It's Amanda, holding a glass of what appears to be orange juice.

Amanda: How are you feeling, Daria?

Daria: Horrible.

Amanda: Here, drink this and you'll feel better.

Daria: (Drinks entire glass) Thanks. what is this?

Amanda: Something to help your body purge the poisons.

Daria: (Turns a bit green, runs for the bathroom) (after the vomiting noises are over) I am NEVER eating here again!!

Journey to the Center of the Mind as covered by The Ramones plays as the scene fades out.

Scene 3. STILL Flashback 2.

The members of Anti-Teen are still on the couch in the back of the tour bus. The privacy curtain is still drawn. This is a recording.

Daria: And so after killing a ton of my brain cells, I recovered and vowed NEVER to eat anything in the Lane household that wasn't delivered by a trained professional.

Jane: But you have to admit, that tune is perfect.

Daria: Fine. I'll just have to come up with new lyrics.

Jodie: But what other songs will we do?

Jane: Covers!

Stacy: Yeah! We could do a cover of She's Got a girlfriend now from Reel Big Fish.

Andrea: That'd be cool. But wouldn't we need a horn section for that?

Stacy: Tiffany and Brooke both play horns. Plus I bet they'd jump at a chance to be in a band.

Jane: You do that and you'll get them kicked out of the fashion club. Which might be a good thing....

Andrea: AND you'd have to deal with the wrath of Sandi.

Jane: Which might NOT be a good thing....

Daria: We'll just have to hold auditions. That way Sandi shouldn't get too mad.

The scene fades out.

Scene 4. Flashback 3.

Yet another flashback, a few days after the last one. Daria, Jodie, Jane, Stacy, and Andrea are sitting in folding chairs. Brooke is nearby holding a trumpet. Tiffany is in front of Anti-teen playing another horn. She is playing a few bars from She has a Girlfriend Now and it actually sounds pretty good!

Daria: (Sounds surprised) That was great Tiffany. you and Brooke here are both in.

Tiffany: Great.....well....see....you....later.

Tiffany and Brooke leave.

Jane: You think the reason she talks like that is because her wind is used up by the horns?

Daria: Whatever. I guess we can close the auditions now...

Girl?: Wait! (fake sounding high voice) I want to try out, too!

The camera pans to take in this...girl? On close examination, you'll realize it's Upchuck. His disguise is quite convincing, though. Think 'Mrs. Doughtfire'. Only Upchuck is disguised as a teen girl. 'She' wears a sweater and a knee length skirt.

Daria: Ok, 'sugar' let's hear what you got.

Upchuck plays the sax, and he's not bad.

Daria: Hmm. excuse me a moment. I need to confer with my fellow band members. (She and the rest of Anti-Teen walk a small distance away) What do you guys think?

Jane: It's Upchuck in a dress!

Daria: Of course it is. But he doesn't play bad, and this would present an opportunity for revenge after he turned you in to Ms. Li for your little ID scam.¹³

Jane: Hmm (getting an EVIL look on her face) OK.

Andrea: Sounds like fun.

Stacy: As long as it's not too mean.

Andrea: (jokingly) Spoilsport!

Jodie: I guess I'll make it unanimous.

Daria: Great. (they walk back over to Upchuck) Ok, honey, you're in. But the first thing you'll need....Well, how can I put this politely (pretends to be at a loss for words)

Jane: Let ME handle this Daria. Look, no offense um...What's your name, anyway?

Upchuck: Charlene.

Jane: OK, Charlene. To be in a band, you have to look good. Now you're cute and all, but....well hairy legs are really OUT now.

Andrea: Yeah, that's soo last year.

Jane: So we'll just take you into the bus and show you how to wax your legs.

Upchuck: (sounds nervous) couldn't I just shave them?

Stacy: Oh, no! Charlene, honey you have to wax them. Shaving leaves nasty little scrapes.

Daria: You girls be sure to give her the really strong wax. Umm....better use a little on her lip too.

Jane, Andrea and Stacy lead a slightly resisting Upchuck away.

Jodie: (yelling after them) Don't forget, she has to wax them EVERY DAY!

Daria: Jodie, that was cruel and vindictive. You're really making progress.

Jodie: Thanks. Now I've got to go tell Mack about this. He'll have a good laugh over this one!

Daria: Laughing at others misfortune. You're such a good pupil.

Jodie: See ya!

The scene fades out.

Scene 5. Still Flashback 3.

We are once again shown the inside of a hotel room. It's a fashion club meeting. Sandi looks pissed and is pacing. Quinn looks as if she doesn't know who's side to take, and Tiffany and Brooke both look guilty.

Sandi: Not only did you join a freak band, but you joined one that contains a former member of this club, who shall remain nameless..

Tiffany: You mean Stacy?

Sandi: (angrily) YES, Tiffany, I mean Stacy. After her RUDE behavior toward me ¹⁴ I cannot believe that any member of this organization would want to fraternize with her.

Tiffany: Umm...(obviously has no idea what Sandi just said)

Sandi: (Addresses Brooke) And you....this is the kind of behavior you exhibit during your probation period?

Brooke: Well, I thought perhaps Tiffany and I could be a good fashion influence on the rest of them. Maybe even convince Stacy to come back. (thinks about it, realizes what would happen to her if Stacy came back) not that you would let her back in after what she did.

Tiffany: Er.. Yeah...I mean No way. (doesn't know what she's saying, but needs to agree with someone).

Sandi: Very well, but I will expect you to behave like fashion club members, and not like some freaky band types.

The scene fades out. This is a recording.

Scene 6. Another Dream Sequence.

The scene opens in an old west bar. The theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly plays in the background. We see Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, Brooke, and Quinn at a table. They are dressed in traditional old west 'bad guy' clothes.

Sandi: And so, the fashion gang is still the most popular gang in Tombstone.

Stacy: I don't know Sandi, I hear (whispers) the anti-teen gang is back in town.

As if on cue, the bar doors crash open. Daria walks in. Camera pans to show her combat boots have spurs on them. She's wearing two six-shooters slung low on her sides. Behind her are Jodie, Jane and Andrea, all dressed in old west clothes. Daria sees Sandi and heads over toward their table, with a determined look on her face. All the other people in the bar begin to clear out, and we see the bartender ducking behind the bar. Daria walks over in a 'gunfighter' walk, ie slow, and with her hands ready to draw.

Daria: Alright Sandi. It's time for a showdown.

Sandi: Please, you don't have a chance. We've got you outnumbered, and she (indicates Jane) doesn't even have a gun.

Daria: That's true, but, well, DRAW Lane.

in a lightning fast motion, Jane pulls a paintbrush from out of her holster and begins painting. Shortly she holds up a painting of Sandi with a bunch of bullet holes in her, laying dead on the ground.¹⁵

Daria: And besides, you'd better count again. I'm afraid we've got you outnumbered.

Camera pans to show that Tiffany, Brooke and Stacy have gone over to join Daria's gang. Sandi and Quinn both jump out of their chairs, but they're watching each other instead of Daria. We see Daria calmly draw and fire at both of them. They both drop to the floor bleeding.

Daria: Too bad. If you two had trusted each other, and worked together, instead of fighting amongst yourselves, you might have stood a chance. (she points a gun right at Sandi's face) (imitating Sandi voice) That's just too, too bad. (she pulls the trigger.)

Fade out.

Scene 7. Wake up Sequence.

We see yet another hotel room (Same room, different lighting, cheap %$(#ing fanfic¹⁶) Sandi suddenly comes out of sleep, like Daria does after a nightmare. Obviously the preceding dream sequence was hers. She turns on the lights. Quinn wakes up.

Quinn: Sandi! What are you doing?

Sandi: Quinn, we need to talk.

Quinn: (warily) What is it Sandi?

Sandi: Quinn, the fashion club is falling apart. We have to stop fighting amongst ourselves and work together to get our club back.

Quinn: (sounds surprised) Ok, Sandi, but what do we do?

Sandi: Don't worry. I have a plan.

The bumper comes up. It shows 'Charlene' being led away.

Commercial Break

Jane's bedroom! Yet another Public Service announcement. Jane is laying on the bed, reading from computer print out paper. Daria is sitting on the bed, looking at the camera.

Daria: ...And here is yet another pointless public service...Hey Jane, are ya with me?

camera pans to show Jane. She has a wistful look on her face.

Daria: You're not reading those romantic fanfics by Diane Long again, are you?

Jane: (wistful voice) God, I hope I can get some romantic scenes like these with Tom.

Daria: Oh please, don't make me gag.

Jane: Say, you're a writer, why don't you write fanfics.

Daria: What makes you think I don't?

Jane: You do?

Daria: Yep, but I use a pseudonym.

Jane: A what?

Daria: (sighs) a fake name.

Jane: Really? What's your pseudonym?

Daria: Canadibrit. I figure claiming to live in a foreign country would really throw them off.

Jane: So Canadibrit really IS Daria. Weird.¹⁷

Daria: Aren't we supposed to be doing the public service announcement?

Jane: Oh, yeah. HEY TRENT.

Trent: (Walking into the room) Kids, Just say NO!

Jane: There ya go.

Daria: That will undoubtedly save millions of lives.

End of Commercial break

ACT III. No flashbacks OR dream sequences!!

Scene 1. The gratuitous 'hey look, we're in Seattle' montage

This is a montage sequence that lets the viewer know they've arrived in Seattle, Washington. Negative Creep by Nirvana plays in the background. (It's SEATTLE, we HAVE to play grunge!) We see the tour bus drive by the Space Needle, and we see a view of Mt. Rainier. We see a shot of downtown, then we see the bus pulling into a cheap motel. Then we see a trendy coffee house, which sets us up nicely for scene 2.

Scene 2. Anti-Teen's last practice before their gig.

Anti-Teen are set up on a stage in a small coffee house type place. Andrea is on drums, Daria and Jane on guitars, Stacy on bass, Jodie on keyboards and singing, Brooke, Tiffany and 'Charlene' are off to the side with their horns. Anti-Teen is playing She's Got A Girlfriend, Now. It doesn't sound bad. In the audience we see Max, Danny, Trent and Valerie. No not THAT Valerie (VAL?) This Valerie looks like a twenty-something version of Quinn. She has long red hair. She dresses in 'alternative hip' fashion and has big, hoop ear rings. She appears to be paying special attention to the band. The camera pans back to Danny, he has a dreamy look on his face, then the screen gets wavy as we see his dream, him and Jane jamming together. Then the camera moves on to Max, and we see him dreaming about playing drums with Andrea. Then the camera pans to Trent....(he's asleep!)¹⁸ The band finishes playing. Daria comes offstage and approaches Valerie.

Daria: So what do you think?

Valerie: Surprisingly good. When Buddy told me he was doing me this favor, I really didn't expect much. How is Buddy anyway?

Daria: Well, I don't know him that well. But I don't think his wife has had her baby yet.

Valerie: (sputtering) WIFE?? BABY? What the..

Daria: Oh, yeah, and he did tell me to tell you that he was sorry you and George didn't get to come to the wedding, but it was kind of just a family service. He hopes you still want to invite him to your wedding.

Valerie: WHAT? How'd he find out about me and George? (sighs) That Buddy Bradley is so impossible.

Daria: I know what you mean, Valerie.

Valerie: You can call me 'Val' Daria.

Daria: Um...(awkward pause) I'd rather not.

Valerie: Um...Ok... Hey I especially like the drag queen you have in the horn section. (another awkward pause) um.. that is a guy, right?

Daria: I think so. We're all afraid to look. Well, we've got to get going Valerie. I guess we'll see you tonight?

Valerie: Yeah, I'll be here. See ya. (after Daria is out of earshot) What a strange girl. (Glances the other way) Hey, you two aren't supposed to be in here.

(Sandi and Quinn emerge from the shadows, where they've been secretly observing everything)

Sandi: Oh, excuse us miss. We just wanted to check out the band. We look forward to tonight.

Quinn: Yeah. It'll be great.

Sandi and Quinn walk out of the club.

Quinn: So what's your plan, Sandi?

Sandi: All we have to do is make sure that this show is as humiliating as possible for them. Then they'll come crawling back to us.

Quinn: (thinks Sandi said 'crawling back to me') you mean us.

Sandi: I said us. (realizes she really did say us)

Quinn: (realizes Sandi did say us, old habits die hard) Sorry.

Narrator: Quinn and Sandi working together? What kind of fiendish plot can the two of them come up with? And can even the combined might of ANTI-TEEN stand up to the team of Quinn and Sandi? Find out, next Daria-Scene, next Daria section!¹⁹

Fade out!!

Scene 4. Anti-Teen's preparing for the gig.

A typical backstage area. Daria and Jane are tuning their guitars. Stacy is working on her bass, Jodie is pacing nervously. Suddenly, Tiffany and Brooke approach.

Tiffany: Um.. Quinn's cousin, er whatever?

Daria: Yes?

Tiffany: Well...it's...about....that.....girl...

Daria: (interrupts) Brooke, why don't you tell me?

Brooke: It just that, well, that Charlene girl is soo....weird.

Jane: Really? What about her is weird?

Brooke: She always wants us to hang around in our underwear or take showers together. Do you think she's funny or something?

Jodie: I think she's hilarious.

Daria: Don't worry. Charlene isn't funny. You'll see tonight during the show.

As Anti-teen gather up their instruments to go onstage, Sandi and Quinn emerge from the shadows, where they've been hiding.

Quinn: So what now Sandi?

Sandi: This power cord is for their amps. We'll cut it at an opportune moment, and they'll get booed off the stage.

Quinn: That should work. (beat) What do we do until then?

Sandi: I suppose we can talk. Did you see what Stacy was wearing the other day.

Quinn: Yes! Oh my God I can't believe she would dress like that after all we've taught her...(their conversation fades out with the scene)

Scene 5. Anti-Teen on stage.

Anti-Teen is onstage. They're playing She has a Girlfriend Now and they are just finishing up. The crowd is made up almost entirely of 'alternative' looking girls. Or grrls, whatever. But at one table in front are four guys in drag. The song ends.

Daria: (to Jane) I guess we don't need our horn section anymore?

Jane: Nope. Ready for the unmasking?

Daria: I'll do the honors. (She approaches 'Charlene') Hey Upchuck, those guys at table 2 want to know if you'd like to join them after the set.

Upchuck: (falsetto)What do you mean Daria? My name is Charlene.

Daria: (Reaches up and grabs the wig off of Upchuck's head pulling fake skin off of his face at the same time) Come on Upchuck, you didn't really think you had us fooled did you?

Brooke & Tiffany: EEP! (They run offstage)

Upchuck: (He's looking over at table two. Camera pans to show one of the guys in drag wink at him provocatively) AH! (Upchuck runs out the front door)

Daria: Well, I guess we'll take a short break, and be right back.

Scene 6. Backstage again.

Quinn and Sandi are still sitting backstage, lost in their conversation.

Sandi: ...And my mother is such a control freak...

Quinn: I know what you mean. My mom's the same way. (beat) We should lock them in a room together sometime.

Sandi: They'd probably kill each other.

Quinn: Exactly! (They share a laugh over this. Then Tiffany and Brooke come running back)

Brooke: Oh, hi Sandi, Quinn. What are you guys doing here?

Sandi: (Realizes she lost track of what they were doing) oh...um.

Quinn: We just came to support you guys. What happened?

Tiffany: It...was...so weird.

Brooke: I never want to be in a band again. From now on I'm sticking to the fashion club.

Tiffany: Yeah. Let's go.

Sandi: Of course. (she lets Tiffany and Brooke go ahead of her. She gives Quinn a 'Thumbs Up' behind their backs)

Quinn: (quietly) Mission accomplished.

Scene 7 Back on stage.

Meanwhile, Anti-teen continues their gig. They start playing the song The Holidays played in Depth Takes A Holiday. But the Lyrics are as follows.

So I'm a role-model you see,
other students are supposed to act like me,
I'm in all the clubs, got student council powers
but I got no time to stop and smell the flowers.

CHORUS:
(Jane, Daria and Andrea all join in on the 'and it sucks' part.)
I'm a teen role model and it sucks!
I'm a teen role model and it sucks!
I'm a teen role model and it sucks!
I'm a teen role model and it sucks!

Jane does a bitchin' guitar solo.

I've got 6 meetings each day
no time to relax or play,
my parents make me study so I'll be a star
I'm sure after my breakdown I'll go far.

REPEAT CHORUS

Daria does a bitchin' guitar solo.

Fade out, the fade back in. Anti-teen walks offstage, leaving all their instruments set up. The crowd starts to chant "encore, encore", camera moves in on the band.

Daria: So what do we play for an encore?

Jane: How 'bout L.M.L.Y.P?²⁰

Daria: You are EVIL. I concur.

Andrea: Cool.

Jodie: I can't sing that!

Jane: Oh, fine I'll sing.

They go back on stage to thunderous applause. The begin their cover of L.M.L.Y.P as the credits begin.

Makeovers: (Peanuts themed).

Daria as Charle Brown, With Quinn as Sally.

Jane as Snoopy.

Trent as Linus, with his blanket.

Sandi as Lucy.

Tiffany and Brooke as Peppermint Patty and Marcy.

Mack as Sherman.

Trent as Charle Brown, and Daria as the little redheaded girl (for all you shippers out there!).

<Finí>

Footnotes:

Cheap plug for my website!
This scene takes place toward the end of The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour. Surely you've read it by now?
Same as above.
This idea comes from Michelle Klein-Häss's fanfic Party Like It's 1999 - Part 1. I have not one shred of originality. Plus I hope she won't sue me.
Ween really and truly is one of the greatest punk bands still in existance. One of the few bands that I like that haven't broken up, and they REALLY ARE guitar GODS!!
This scene must take place right after the events of Desperately Seeking Stacy. You HAVE read that, right?
From the much loved (by shippers) episode Road Worrier.
From episode Lane Miserables.
From episode The Lost Girls.
All info about Psychedelic Mushrooms comes from research and may be inaccurate. Kids, JUST SAY NO!
Many fanfic writers have tried to explain this episode including Peter Guerin¹² and Kara Wild. In fact my version is kind of similar to Kara's. But NOT similar enough for her to sue me. At least I hope not. Not that she would sue me....No way!
OK, here's another problem I have: P. Guerin has had Daria meet Slappy Squirrel, Chicken-Boo, and the Sailor Scouts, but he thinks living incarnations of the holidays is so unlikely that he has it be an imaginary story. What's up with that?
It happened in Excess. Where were you?
Toward the beginning of Desperately Seeking Stacy
Couldn't resist this lame gag, sorry.
If you've ever seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show in a theatre (the only way to see it IMHO) then you'll get this joke. probably.
Inside gag: Canadibrit is a fanfic writer, and her web site is called I am (NOT) Daria. So this is funny? Right?
See, you were suppose to be expecting some shipper stuff here.
A nod to my favorite narrator, the one from the old Batman tv series.
L.M.L.Y.P. is Ween's cover of Prince's Shockadelica. And I'm NOT saying what those initials stand for!!

Author's notes:

probably the most interesting thing that happened while I was writting this little gem is that Ween came to Pittsburgh, and I actually got to see them!! In a scene taken straight from Excess I saw them at the Metropol. Needless to say, they totally ROCKED! This series is reaching its inevitable end (boo hoo). I predict about 3 more stories at the most. Unless someone else wants to write a few. I don't know if I'll keep the continuity beyond the tour. I've broken a couple of the series rules (Stacy leaves the fashion club, Sandi & Quinn working together??) In any case, any feedback will be greatly appreciated.