The C.E. Forman "Daria Day" September 5th, 1999 FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY, IN NEW YORK CITY. (Daria and Jane stand with their backs to the intersection and traffic below. Daria is hidden by the Arts section of the New York Times.) JANE: (Nudges Daria.) Yo. We're on. DARIA: (Puts the Times aside, faces the camera. Deadpan.) Hello. Do not attempt to adjust your TV set. We are now controlling the transmissions. JANE: Um, this is a fanfic, Daria. DARIA: I'm aware of that. I'm just blurring the distinction between television and the printed word. JANE: What Daria means is, we'd like to welcome you to the first-ever "Daria Day" fan-fiction celebration. DARIA: For the next seven hours, we will be presenting thirteen fan- fiction scripts by "Daria" fanatic C.E. Forman. JANE: Thirteen immortal classics. DARIA: Honed to perfection. JANE: Presented in ascending order of favorites. DARIA: As chosen by *you*, the readers. JANE: Culminating with "A Morgendorffer Scorned", an all-new, never-before- read C.E. Forman "Daria" fanfic. DARIA: (Gobi-dry.) Can't you just *feel* the excitement? JANE: (Turned around, looking down at the traffic.) I'm feeling a bit of vertigo, myself. DARIA: We'll also be bringing you deep, reflective commentary on each episode by Forman himself. JANE: (Take.) HIMself?? DARIA: Or herself. Whatever. (Beat.) So, sit back, relax, and enjoy these thirteen beloved classics of "Daria" fan-fiction. JANE: Or you could just skip to the end and read the new one. DARIA: (Mild annoyance.) *Yesss*... but then you'd miss out on all the witty repartee. (The two stare at each other for a moment.) JANE: (Turns to camera.) Roll tape. "TAKING DEBATE" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. (Daria and Jane, as before.) DARIA: We're back. That was "Taking Debate", the first of our C.E. Forman "Daria Day" fanfics. JANE: "But," you're asking, "'Taking Debate' was the *tenth* fic C.E Forman wrote, not the first." DARIA: (Warning.) Don't get smart with us, or we'll turn on you. JANE: But that's okay, cuz we're not showing these in the order they were written. Remember the little poll at the end of last season's finale, in February? DARIA: No. JANE: *Sure* you do! You were all asked to send in your favorite C.E. Forman fanfic, and these are the results of that poll. DARIA: Along with some mindblowing comments from C.E. (Produces envelope.) Why, here's one right now. (Opens it.) JANE: C.E. writes... (Reads paper inside.) "I'm not all that surprised 'Taking Debate' came in last with the fans. It's the forgotten C.E. Forman fanfic. Nobody ever talks about it. And yet I liked it for the odd character pairings, the Peggy Nicoll-style script, and the fact I got everyone out of Lawndale *without* using Trent and Jesse. It made a solid filler script in-between the more serious ones." DARIA: Wouldn't be caught dead trying to say it better myself. JANE: Well, next up is everyone's second-least-favorite fanfic, a little something we like to call "Weighting to Exhale". DARIA: What the hell kind of title is that? JANE: (To camera.) Roll tape. "WEIGHTING TO EXHALE" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. (Daria and Jane.) JANE: (Wipes fake tear from her eye.) Wasn't that a beautiful, touching episode? DARIA: Wasn't that a hideous, wretched title? Let's hear from C.E. herself. JANE: HERself?? DARIA: Or himself. Whatever. (Opens another envelope, reads.) "I once considered 'Weighting to Exhale' my weakest, but reading through again I like it a lot better. I still think I tried too hard to make Quinn's very serious anorexia problem into something of a joke. Peter Guerin handled the subject matter more tastefully in his 'Karen Carpenter Blues'. Plus I loathe that title, which believe it or not was honestly the best one I came up with. Still, the Quinn- exercising montage is priceless, and it was interesting to see some genuine animosity between Daria and Jane." JANE: (Fake teary-eyed.) I'm sorry, Daria. DARIA: I'm sorry too, Jane. JANE: Let's never fight again. DARIA: You're my best friend. JANE: You're my BEST-best friend. DARIA: Feel like vomiting now? JANE: Let's. DARIA: Speaking of things which make one vomit, please enjoy #11 in our C.E. Forman countdown, which features a special appearance by my former Highland classmates, Beavis and Butt-Head. JANE: And doesn't feature me at all, hence its low rating. DARIA: (Gives Jane a "look", then:) Here's "Goodbye, Diarrhea." JANE: (Snickers.) "Diarrhea"?! DARIA: (Sighs.) Yes, if you must know, the Duo of Dorkdom christened me with that nickname back in Highland. JANE: (Big grin.) This is *great*, I've gotta tell Trent! DARIA: (Mortified.) Don't you *dare!* (Jane scampers off, Daria on her heels.) DARIA: (Voice, off-camera.) I'm serious, Lane! Get back here! "GOODBYE, DIARRHEA" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. (Daria and Jane are back. Daria covers her face with her hands.) DARIA: I can't believe you told him. JANE: Relax, he thought it was cute! DARIA: You're dead, Lane. (Looks down at the street below.) If the fall doesn't kill you the marauding gangs will. (Jane takes a step away from the edge of the balcony.) JANE: Um, anyway, let's see what C.E. has to say. (Opens envelope, reads.) "Peter Guerin put it best: This was a story that needed to be told. It was a quickie, done in just under a week, but was one of the most fun to write. I'm still surprised at how seriously everyone took it. Even Martin Pollard used it in his story adaption of 'Esteemsters'--" DARIA: (Cutting in.) And it just goes on like this? JANE: Yeah. (Crumples up paper, tosses it aside.) Well, at least you can put all that stupidity behind you, since nobody in Lawndale knows. DARIA: (Glares.) They do now. JANE: Oh. (Looks away.) Right. Anyway, moving on... DARIA: We ended up with a tie for our 10th place fanfic, so next up we're watching "To Helen Back". JANE: (Holds out her famous quarter.) It came up tails. DARIA: (Dry.) And what does the almighty C.E. say about *this* masterpiece? JANE: (Envelope, opens, reads.) "My second 'Daria' fanfic, and not a particular favorite, though I do like the introduction of Judge Reinhardt, who will play a role in a couple of new fanfics this season. Looking back, the ending with Linda and Sandi was pretty reactionary after Season 2, the use of Jasmine was gratuitous, and the Quinn/Jake scenes played out stronger than the Daria/Helen ones. I also goofed with Michele Landon working instead of staying home with the baby, which is now corrected." DARIA: Beautiful. Just beautiful. JANE: "To Helen Back", ladies and gentlemen. Roll tape. "TO HELEN BACK" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. (Daria and Jane.) JANE: You're watching the C.E. Forman "Daria Day". DARIA: A shameless publicity stunt cooked up by the author to promote the fact that, after six months, he's finally getting up off his ass and *doing* something. JANE: (Take.) HIS ass?? DARIA: Or hers. Whatever. JANE: So who *is* this C.E. Forman anyway? I mean, what's it stand for? DARIA: Everything we loathe and despise. JANE: The initials, I mean. DARIA: Well if you'd watched MTV's Cool Crap auctions you'd know already. But if you didn't, well, now you have a reason to continue re-reading these old fanfics. JANE: So if you already know, there's no point in reading further? DARIA: Sure there is. Because next up is the very first C.E. Forman "Daria" fanfic, "Lotto Nonsense." An appropriate title for this whole affair. JANE: (Opens envelope, as before.) C.E. writes, "'Lotto Nonsense' was my first effort, so I'll always have a soft spot for it--" DARIA: In the head. JANE: Be nice. Unless you want C.E. to make us do really humiliating stuff this season. (Continues reading.) "--but if I knew then what I know now, I'd probably never write half the things I did: Sandi getting busted (reactionary), Daria winning the lottery (highly unrealistic), jumping in with the Daria/Trent stuff right off the bat. Still, I do like the plot about people treating Daria differently once she has money. And of course the 'Infinite Jest' references... Quite a few people actually gave the book a try after reading my plugs for it -- it's still my all-time favorite book." DARIA: Available at fine bookstores near you. (Hefts her own copy.) And it doubles as a good blunt instrument. (Approaches Jane.) This is for telling Trent about my embarrassing past. JANE: (Cowers.) Aack! Roll tape! Quick! "LOTTO NONSENSE" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. (Daria and Jane. Daria is reading "Infinite Jest" while Jane nurses a fresh bruise on her head.) DARIA: That was the ubiquitous "Lotto Nonsense", featuring David Foster Wallace's "Infinite Jest". JANE: (Rubs bruise.) Ow. You're brutal with that thing. DARIA: Good literature makes you feel. Pain, in your case. JANE: Well, next up we have a very special "Daria" fanfic called "Daria versus the IRS." It's all about friendship, caring, looking out for your family... DARIA: And getting medieval on the asses of a couple of sleazy IRS goons. JANE: Roll tape. (Salutes the camera, hits the bump on her head by accident.) Ow. Anybody got an ice pack? "DARIA VERSUS THE IRS" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. (Daria and Jane, you know the routine.) JANE: Welcome back. We're right in the middle of the C.E. Forman "Daria Day", where we're counting down the top 13 C.E. Forman "Daria" fanfics of all-time. DARIA: "Top 13"? That's all there are. JANE: Until C.E.'s new fic "A Morgendorffer Scorned" premieres at the end of all this. (Beat.) So what *does* "C.E." stand for, anyway? DARIA: You mean you really don't know? JANE: No, tell me! DARIA: I can't, he swore me to secrecy. JANE: HE?? DARIA: Or she. Whatever. JANE: If I guess right, will you tell me? DARIA: Maybe. JANE: "Charles Eric"? DARIA: No. JANE: "Carol Elaine"? DARIA: Not even close. JANE: "Christopher Edward"? DARIA: Mmm... nah. JANE: "Carmen Elektra"? DARIA: C.E. wishes. (Beat, opens envelope.) C.E. also wishes, "...I'd made the rest of 'Daria versus the IRS' as strong as the subplot about Trent and Jane staying at the Morgendorffers. The Quinn subplot didn't turn out quite like I'd hoped, and IRS details were too convoluted and sort of bogged the dialogue down." JANE: Damn bureaucracies. DARIA: Hey, look on the bright side, C.E. At least you didn't get that audit. JANE: You said it. Being audited is no picnic. DARIA: (Sardonic.) Why, Jane, you've just revealed the title of the next fanfic in our "Daria Day" countdown. JANE: Wow. What are the odds of that? "NO PICNIC" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. DARIA: (Not a hint of enthusiasm.) Hey, you're back. JANE: You've just seen "No Picnic", #7 in our C.E. Forman "Daria Day" countdown. And with that, we're over halfway done. DARIA: Or, we've still got halfway to go, for the pessimists out there. JANE: So let's celebrate with another heapin' helping of thoughts from C.E. Forman. (Takes paper from envelope, reads.) "Of all my fanfics, 'No Picnic' is my second-favorite. Being a huge fan of the Landons--" DARIA: (Yanks paper out of Jane's hand, crumples it up, tosses it aside.) Well, anyway, it's time to move on to the #6 fanfic. JANE: And ooh-la-la, Daria in a bathing suit! DARIA: (Embarrassed.) Oh *God*. Not this one. Anything but this one. JANE: Hey, we could always listen to more "thoughts from C.E." DARIA: Roll tape. "ALL WASHED UP" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. (Just Jane this time, Daria isn't in the shot.) JANE: (To off-screen.) Yo, we're on. DARIA'S VOICE: (Off-cam.) Welcome back to the C.E. Forman "Daria Day" marathon celebration fest-a-rama spectacular. JANE: C'mon, get back over here. I can't fill the screen by myself. DARIA: No way. I'm not standing in front of those drooling fans anymore. They'll all start undressing me with their eyes. JANE: Not *all* of them, just the perverts. DARIA: You're not helping. JANE: (Shrugs.) O-*kay*, then, next up on the C.E. Forman "*Jane* Day"-- DARIA: (Not about to be upstaged, comes back into shot.) All right, all right, I'm on. Sheesh. JANE: (Smirks, it worked.) --a little time-trip into Daria's past and future! DARIA: It's "Alienation Legacy". (Hands Jane the obligatory envelope, then covers herself as much as possible with her arms and hands.) Here, you do the honors. JANE: (A la "Family Feud".) C.E. *SAYS*...! (Opens it, reads.) "I hated this one when I first finished it, and almost didn't release it. On subsequent reads it's improved a great deal, but I still say it feels way too much like 'I Don't'. Judging by its placement, though, no one else seems to have noticed." DARIA: Well put, C.E. Jane, let's give Ms Forman a hand for that courageous expression of self-disgust. JANE: *MS* Forman?? DARIA: Or Mr. Whatever. (Jane golf-claps while Daria claps loudly but very, very slowly.) "ALIENATION LEGACY" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. JANE: You're watching the C.E. Forman "Daria Day". DARIA: A blatantly commercial gimmick if ever there was one. JANE: Hey, MTV does it every year. If you're gonna imitate the show you might as well go all the way. DARIA: (Tearing open envelope.) Which C.E. does, in "My best script, in my opinion, with just the right combination of story and characters, and the exact balance of seriousness and humor. Then somebody mailed me and told me that 'So-Called Life' show had already done one like it and I found an episode guide with transcripts on the Web and said, awww, DAMMIT!" JANE: Bastards. DARIA: Swiping his idea before he even thought of it. JANE: HIS idea?? DARIA: Or hers. Whatever. #4 in our countdown, "Accept No Substitutes". JANE: Hey, I just realized we didn't read any comments for "All Washed Up." (Beat.) DARIA: Don't make me smack you, Lane. "ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES" RETURN TO: (BLACK SCREEN. Can't see a thing.) DARIA'S VOICE: Wow, that episode had something for everyone. JANE'S VOICE: A locker full of banned books. DARIA'S VOICE: A maladjusted subsitute teacher breaking things. JANE'S VOICE: The downfall of tyranny and oppression through technology. DARIA'S VOICE: Airheaded fashion types using big words. JANE'S VOICE: So, what's next? DARIA'S VOICE: Next is #3 in our C.E. Forman "Daria Day" countdown, "Driven Wild". (Ripping sound, envelope being torn open.) JANE'S VOICE: C.E. writes, "I've made a lot of changes to 'Driven Wild' this time around, the most major one being that Daria and Trent now have wild, passionate sex at the end--" DARIA'S VOICE: What the--? *Give* me that! (Sound of paper rustling.) JANE'S VOICE: "Driven Wild", folks. "Driven Wild." (Beat.) JANE'S VOICE: Hey, what's wrong with the camera? DARIA'S VOICE: Oh, for crying out loud. Keith, you've had the lens cap on the whole time! KEITH THE CAMERAMAN'S VOICE: Oh, whoops! Sorry. (Lens cap removed, we can now see Daria and Jane.) DARIA: You da man, Keith. JANE: I hear MTV has him in charge of playing the tapes for the "Daria" repeats. DARIA: Mmm. That would explain a lot. "DRIVEN WILD" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. JANE: Yo-ho. Eleven down, two to go. DARIA: And then, at long last, our season premiere, "A Morgendorffer Scorned." JANE: I can't believe these people have actually read this far. DARIA: Who says they are? I'm guessing everyone's reading the "Daria Day" scenes and skipping the episode repeats. JANE: That or they've already read the new one and are now insatiably consuming anything and everything C.E. Forman, until another new fic comes out. DARIA: Zealots. What's our second-place fanfic? JANE: (Holds the envelope to her head, a la Johnny Carson's "Carnac".) I see... loads of gratuitous cameos, a double-dose of Daria/Trent mush... a cheesy cliffhanger ending... DARIA: Hey, I wanted to do that bit. JANE: Oh. Sorry. Didn't mean to rain on your parade there. (Daria glowers at Jane.) JANE: "Rain on Your Parade"! Title joke, get it?? DARIA: I swear, next year I'm doing this myself. "RAIN ON YOUR PARADE" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. DARIA: (Monotone.) Well, it certainly has been an exciting C.E. Forman "Daria Day", hasn't it, Jane? JANE: You betcha. We're just one fic away from C.E.'s all-new story, "A Morgendorffer Scorned". DARIA: I'm all atremble with anticipation. JANE: And with good reason. Because now it's time to announce the #1 C.E. Forman fanfic, as chosen by our readers. Drum roll... DARIA: It's "Quinntet", duh. Process of elimination. JANE: You're a real party-pooper, you know that? DARIA: (Opens envelope.) Last one. C.E. feels "Quinntet"... "helped endear me to the readers when I actually finished the story I'd begun about a month in advance. I think I panicked a few fans, since its release coincided with the demise of Planet Daria, but once I settled on Outpost as my new distribution site things calmed down again, and although it's not one of my favorites, except for the drunken Fashion Club, everybody seemed to really love the way things were wrapped up." JANE: Actually, "Rain on Your Parade" should have been number-one, since it got one more vote than "Quinntet". DARIA: Excuse me? JANE: Yeah, Kara Wild had "Rain" on her list of favorites, but not this one. But we decided we'd better show them in order, lest we confuse everybody. DARIA: Sorry, Kara. Better luck next year. JANE: And so, without further ado, we give you... "Quinntet". DARIA: Seamlessly wrapping up the "Rain on Your Parade" storyline. JANE: Daria reconciles with Trent. DARIA: Aunt Amy makes her first C.E. Forman appearance. JANE: Upchuck bribes Ms Li. DARIA: Quinn gets wasted. JANE: Daria's dad truly loses it. DARIA: And Jane sells a painting at the art show. (Beat.) JANE: Is that that nude one I did of you? DARIA: That wasn't here. That was in one of Peter Guerin's fics. JANE: (Nods.) Rrroll tape. "QUINNTET" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. JANE: Drum roll... DARIA: And now... JANE: The main event of the evening. DARIA: You've waited months for it. JANE: You've begged C.E. Forman for a sneak peek. DARIA: You've sent threatening e-mails. JANE: You've tried to hack C.E.'s computer from afar. DARIA: You've shown up at his home in person. JANE: HIS home?? DARIA: Or hers. Whatever. JANE: Allright, this running joke has gone on long enough. I say we make Daria tell us who C.E. Forman *really* is, WHO'S WITH ME?! DARIA: (Sighs.) Very well, you win. C.E. Forman is a twenty-two-year-old African-American woman. Her full name is Celeste Elizabeth Forman. She lives in Minneapolis. The Peoria address belongs to her father, Christopher Forman, who lets her use it to maintain her privacy. (Beat.) There, happy now? JANE: (Satisfied.) *Thank* you. DARIA: And now, we proudly present to you, the drooling, adoring masses, the premiere episode of C.E. Forman's new season of fan-fiction, "A Morgendorffer Scorned". JANE: (Thinking.) Hey, *wait* a minute--! DARIA: Shh. (Points.) It's starting. "A MORGENDORFFER SCORNED" FADE IN ON: EXT.: MTV BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR BALCONY. JANE: Thanks for joining us for the first-ever C.E. Forman "Daria Day". DARIA: Will this be a tradition now? JANE: Not unless C.E. brings us a third season. DARIA: I'll be eternally grateful if I never hear the words "C.E. Forman Daria Day" again. JANE: C.E. Forman Daria Day. DARIA: Shut up. JANE: C.E. Forman Daria Day. DARIA: I'm not listening. JANE: Fine. DARIA: Fine. JANE: Good. DARIA: Good. (Pause. Daria looks at Jane. Jane looks at Daria.) JANE: (Faces camera.) Roll tape. (Pause.) Oh wait, we're done. (Pause.) DARIA: It's over. Go. Get out of here. Before we call security. (FADE TO BLACK.) [Disclaimer: "Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc., and are used here without permission for the purpose of fan fiction. I suppose if you represent MTV's legal department you could sue, but think about it, what's it really going to get you? I mean, *I* sure don't have any money, and there's like fifty other people writing these fan stories, so you might as well just live with it and maybe learn to appreciate the fact that your show has such a loyal, dedicated legion of fans who care enough to write things like this. Of course, you *could* just hire us and that'd solve your problem nicely too.] [The "C.E. Forman Daria Day" is copyright 1999 by C.E. Forman. It may be distributed unaltered to fans of "Daria", provided the author's name and e-mail address remain intact. However, the author asks that it not be placed on any website or archive for download without the author's express permission. If you do the author will hunt you down and do terrible, terrible things to you, many of them involving eels, cheese spread, and/or a yak. Thank you, and good night.]