We find E. Charlton Fuhrmann is sitting at a mahogany desk, in his private office. His desk is ordered neatly, the walls lined with books and many prestigious awards. He is typing away at a laptop computer, when a blond, attractive young woman runs over to him excitedly. She begins to speak (feel free to insert Quinn's voice here).
Charlton! Charlton Fuhrmann! It's on the wires! You won! The Pulitzer Prize! You're a winner!
E. Charlton Fuhrmann removes his glasses calmly, starts to clean them, and replies, "Not at all surprising, especially after my Nobel prize for literature. Was it the piece on neo-modern moral imperatives in post Watergate politics?"
"No!" the woman breathlessly replies.
"Well then," EC Fuhrmann drawled at he leaned back in his chair, "Perhaps it was the "tell all" report I did on restaurant employees washroom negligence?"
"NO! NO! That was a good one but..." The young woman continues, but now her image is starting to morph. She is slowly gaining weight, and her face is becoming blurry.
"Which one of my many works did they distinguish with the Pulitzer?" EC spoke clearly, to be heard over the woman's excited voice.
"Abruptly Amy", a harsh voice replied.
"What! I got a Pulitzer for that?!" EC stopped.
The scene changes. EC sits up abruptly. He is at a cluttered desk, in a crowded office He is at a battered computer, which is itself barnacled with ancient Post-It notes. Phones ring, people run from cube to cube. Chaos reigns. It becomes apparent that EC Fuhrmann was dreaming. He looks up, startled, at the woman in front of him. She is now middle aged, and overweight. Spandex pants make no secret of this. Her voice is no longer lilting and sweet, but more like someone who smokes a carton of cigarettes a day (insert the voice of either one of Marge's sisters from "The Simpsons" here).
"I said, ABRUPTLY AMY!" the woman reiterates. "Geeze! Are you deaf! Alan Smithee was just on the phone! He sez you gotta fix this script!"
The woman throws a pile of paper on EC's desk. "He said you make these changes by 5 o'clock, or don't bother coming in tomorrow!"
The woman starts to turn on her heel to leave, but a wicked smile comes to her face. She turns back to EC.
"The Pulitzer? Did I hear you say PULITZER? For writing this CRAP? HA! You are freakin' dreaming!" On this note, she leaves.
EC Fuhrmann is embarrassed and shocked, now realizing that he was talking in his sleep. His picks up the pile of paper, and begins to leaf through it. His face reddens in anger.
"What!" EC exclaims to himself. "A machine that makes impossible enhancements on a grainy image of a face? A car stalled until just seconds before the building explodes! A duel, on a cliff face, with rusty signposts! Grandma Ruth is walking!"
EC opens his top desk draw, and removes a roll of Tums. He fumbles with the wrapper, getting angrier by the moment, and finally in frustration bites off half of it, paper, foil and all, and starts chewing. He takes the script, turns to his computer, and angrily begins typing.
"No cliché left unturned! Jerks! Idiots!" he chants. "MORONS! IMBECILES!"
EC finally relaxes, and sighs. "Pulitzer. Ha! I'll be luckily to get a
job writing copy for the Yellow Pages with my name on this crap!"
E. Charlton Fuhrmann regards the clock. It is rapidly approaching 5 PM. He begins to type furiously.
*******
*******
E. Charlton Fuhrmann writes like someone who can write far better than he is allowed. Trapped in a TV world of clichés and muse assassinating deadlines, he still doggedly plows on. Still working to put food on the table.
Still working for Alan Smithee, a producer who obviously believes that the "golden age" of television began with "Gilligan's Island" and ended with "Charlie's Angels".
Reading the story, I enjoyed the way the author took me out of the story once in a while. Amy's stage whispers to the audience, Daria and Jane's blasˇ cameos, and the snide comments of the cast members at various times showed that the plot was as numbing to them as it was for the home audience.
Best line: "Pardon me? Evil villainess here?" This was the comment made by Corona during the "climatic" good vs. evil confrontation scene.
Anyway, if you want to see an episode of "When Good Writers Go Bad", then this is the story!
As an aside, I noted a lot of similarities in the writing style of E. C. Fuhrmann with that of C. E. Forman. C. E. Forman, as many of you know, is one of the pioneering fan fiction writers for the "Daria" series, having written more than an entire season of alternate "Daria" episodes.
His standard is still the one that other fan fiction writers strive for. Perhaps when E. C. Fuhrmann gives Alan Smithee his walking papers, he might pursue this other art form.
We can always hope.
Milo Minderbender
Author of "How to Write Good"
(Who swears he is not related to Milo Minderbender, the art director who walked out on "A New Beginning," or to Milo Mindbender, a completely different artist whom the Abruptly Amy staff later picked up.)
There he goes...
There he goes again.
He's racing towards a grade.
And he just can't contaaain
This review that's delaaayyyed.
There he goes...
Business issues: Why oh why is business so slow? How many other bakeries in Rutherford could possibly have someone like Amy? Or Happy Dough? (Or...) If I lived in Rutherford, I'd get all my food there.
The Amy-Team: Amy shows her intelligence once again by plotting a complicated plan that would confuse even Hannibal. And she didn't even need Mr. T to bail her out.
Tweetie Dee, Tweetie Dumb: Kristovo's naivite about American cartoons shows that he may be ignorant of important aspects in his relationship with Amy. While I am not an Anti-Kristovo'er, this makes me suspect that something bad will happen between them in an upcoming episode. And besides, who could mistake a cartoon for reality?
Sarcasm, it's... not in here?: GAH GAH DAMNIT! An episode of Abruptly Amy is NOT an episode of Abruptly Amy unless Amy says those magic words. DAMNIT! I cried for a half hour after this episode! But no... I watched it again and I _still_ didn't hear it! And then I smashed the TV because it HAD to be lying to me! And then the new one lied too! What's wrong here? (And I'm sending Alan Smithee the bill)
Upjimmy: Jimmy, however, said plenty of Upchuck's lines. That dosen't make up for the previous complaint, or my broken TV for that matter.
All I really want to do is direct: Alan Smithee took a turn and directed this episode. Too bad much of the episode looks more static than 1930's Hanna Barbera. Seeing Amy's outfit in act 3 definitely made up for it though, especially with some of the interesting camera angles.
The Ad Mafia: The advertising team was rather amusing. Hit the lights, Mugsy, it's time to watch Abruptly Amy.
The series as a whole:
Andrea's (hic) problem: It appears that they are grooming Andrea to take Rita's place as the Recovering Alcoholic sometime down the line. Hopefully Amy will be able to save her before it's too late.
Ruth's plans: Could she be planning to open a second location and give it to Amy, and hence causing even MORE tension between her and Rita?
Other questions: Will Kristovo kill Amy after he sees her on TV in _that_ outfit? Will Melissa take revenge against Amy for throwing her in jail? Will we see some more of those lovely Daria cameos? Will I finally get some Happy Dough to eat? I'm starving!
GRADE: C. Would be a B except for the lack of Sarcasm.
Submitted by the mysterious PBC