Promo One: The "official" promo, a compilation of clips from the series.
Promo Two: Just a teaser promo to get people's attention on the message board.
Promo Three: A dialogue between Daria and Quinn, underscoring what the series is about.
Promo Four: Crazy Nutso's, released on Halloween, advertising his upcoming episode.
NARRATOR: Amy Barksdale was just your average F.B.I. agent with a Ph.D in bioengineering...
(Shot of Amy talking on the phone with her niece, Daria Morgendorffer, in the beginning of the "pilot" episode.)
AMY: (laughing) Just remember: sarcasm is a great way to deal. Bye.
NARRATOR: ... and an honorary degree in kicking ass.
(Cut to shot of Amy in a later scene, trapped between two mobsters in a subway car. She delivers expert karate blows, knocking each of them unconscious.)
NARRATOR: She felt life was good, unaware of how quickly it all would change.
(Cut to shot of Amy gazing at the charred remains of her townhouse, while her boss, Mike Fowler, stands beside her.)
FOWLER: You may have to hide out for a while, Barksdale.
AMY: (distressed) Hide out?? But my whole life is here, Chief! Where will I go?
FOWLER: (placing a hand on Amy's shoulder) Wherever your heart may lead you.
(Cue the upbeat music, which quickly turns into the "Abruptly Amy" theme song: "There She Goes" by Sixpence None the Richer. Dissolve to close-up of an American flag billowing in the wind. It morphs into the sign WELCOME TO RUTHERFORD.)
(Cut to shot of Amy driving through the main street of a charming town, gazing at the store fronts. She slows down in front of a store with the sign: BARKSDALE BAKE SALE.)
NARRATOR: Before she could even say the word "sarcasm," Amy found herself facing greater challenges than she had ever imagined...
(Cut to shot of Amy standing behind a counter with her sister, Rita, surrounded by baked goods, looking bored.)
NARRATOR: ... running her family's bakery!
(Cut to shot of Amy sitting in the living room with her mother, Ruth, and Rita.)
RUTH: (accusing) All we asked was that our second eldest daughter take it over for us! You failed us, Amy!
AMY: (annoyed) This town was stifling me! I wanted to do more than spend my life as "Helen Barksdale's younger sister"!
NARRATOR: So the prodigal daughter has returned home. And she's taking on a problem child of her own...
(Cut to shot of Amy, Ruth, Rita, and "Goth chick" Andrea Hecuba.)
AMY: (to Andrea) I'm your legal guardian.
ANDREA: Since when?!
AMY: Since last night. (smiles.) They let you apply over the phone now.
ANDREA: Are you [bleeping] kidding me?!
NARRATOR: And a sexy love interest.
(Cut to shot of Amy, inspecting the rear end of Kristovo, a handsome Cuban man who's leaned over to pick up a newspaper.)
NARRATOR: And some cool NEW enemies!
(Cut to shot of a fat, Colonel Sanders-like man, Big Harv, sitting in a large leather chair in his office. He folds his hands and grins wickedly.)
HARV: Believe you me. Rutherford will be mine.
(Cut to shot of mobster Scruffy Joe, and Mike Fowler, standing before a tied-up Amy and co.)
SCRUFFY: (suspicious) Say... just how often did you make love to her??
FOWLER: More times than I can remember. (Bt. panics.) Um, I mean a few times. Like I said earlier.
(Cut to shot of Andrea shooting frantically at a car driven by a mysterious woman with a tatoo on her hand.)
ANDREA: (angry) DIE... YOU... BITCH...!
(Cut to shot of Amy crouched over on top of a stall in a unisex bathroom. She proceeds to leap on top of an unsuspecting Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer, who then tries to wrestle her off.)
NARRATOR: But even with her new life, Amy still has time to receive a visit from her friends on "Daria."
(Cut to shot of Amy sitting at the dinner table with Jesse Moreno. She mouths the word "script.")
(Cut to shot of Charles Ruttheimer III [aka "Upchuck"] racing through the halls of a military base. He arrives at the commander's door, and is quickly ushered in.)
(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers sitting at their dining room table.)
QUINN: NooooOOOOOOOOO! Not again!! I don't wanna DO this, anymore!
DARIA: (to Helen, irritated) They said one cameo per person. ONE.
NARRATOR: If people thought Amy was down and out, if she was going to be driven to extinction by a few naysayers --
(Brief newsreel footage showing a bunch of rabid Amy fans hurling bottles at the studio lot where the "Abruptly Amy" pilot was filmed.)
NARRATOR: Well sir, you were wrong! WRONG I tell you!!! (Seems to get emotional, then calms down.) Because Amy's more alive than ever, with tons of exciting new adventures ahead, driven by the writing talents of...
E. Charlton Fuhrmann...
(Shot of Amy hanging off a cliff, while the mysterious woman with the tatoo on her hand looks over her.)
Sunto Czyra...
(Shot of Amy leaping to push Andrea out of the way of an out-of-control SUV.)
J. Michaelis Quinn...
(Shot of Amy trying to slide a bottle down to a barstool, but forcing it so hard, it flies up in the air instead.)
Hans Tojki...
(Shot of Andrea and Jesse Moreno inside a pub, eyeing each other with interest.)
Shawn Perry
(Shot of Amy, Andrea, Rita, Ruth, and Trent floating through a pool of lava on, of all things, a gigantic video tape.)
And Carrie D. Wildly...
(Shot of Amy with Helen in a courtroom, standing defiantly before the judge in a skirt that's way too short.)
NARRATOR: So get set... new episodes of "Abruptly Amy" are coming soon -- whether you like it or not!
(Screen fades to black. SUPER: Premiering October 20 on the Lifetime Network.)
(Shot of the inside of a trailer. A wall phone rings loudly. We see Andrea walk onscreen, pick it up, and lay it against her ear.)
VOICE: (on the other end, excited) Andrea! You've finally gotten your big break!
(Andrea continues to stand there, wordless and expressionless.)
VOICE: Andrea?? (Bt) Yoo-hoo, are you there?
(No reaction.)
VOICE: Um... so anyway, you're graduating from "Daria" and taking a large supporting role on a spinoff show.
(Cut to shot of a male producer sitting at a desk, rifling through papers and balancing the phone on his ear as he speaks.)
PRODUCER: It's gonna be great! You'll just love the title... "Abruptly Amy"! It's got real zing, doesn't it? (No response on the other end.) In it, you'll sort of have the Daria role. You know, dispense sarcastic comments, be the voice of reason. (Pauses and waits for a response that doesn't come.) The voice of reason, Andrea. You'll actually get to talk on this show. The audience will see high school through your eyes. (Pause. The producer sighs.) Look, just come by and see me tomorrow, would ya?
(Cut to shot of Andrea's wall phone, which is hanging off of its hook, with Andrea nowhere in sight.)
PRODUCER: (VO) We'll, er, chat some more, then. (click, then dial tone.)
(Cue loud party music. Cut to shot of Andrea wearing sun glasses and bopping around on the set piece of the Morgendorffers' living room. She lights a cigarette, takes a puff, then grinds the butt into a sofa cusion.)
(Fade to black. SUPER: Abruptly Amy, Premiering October 20 on the Lifetime Network.)
(Shot of Daria and Quinn sitting on the living room sofa, each reading a script and frowning.)
QUINN: (to Daria) I didn't know Aunt Amy was an FBI agent! Sandi'll be so jealous when I tell her.
DARIA: (puzzled look on her face) Since when is Aunt Amy older than Aunt Rita?
QUINN: And Mom's mother's name is "Ruth". We have two Grandma Ruths??
DARIA: Getting them personalized holiday gifts should be a breeze.
QUINN: (shocked expression) Look what the writers have done to Mom!
(Daria rifles the pages in her script to the part where Quinn is gazing, and smirks.)
QUINN: Why are they doing this?
DARIA: You'd think they'd be trying to keep the facts in sync with the ones on my show.
QUINN: Yeah! (eyes Daria suspiciously.) "My" show?
DARIA: My guess is that these people are complete morons who have no interest in honoring the dignity of "Daria."
QUINN: The outcasts who watch us are, like, way too smart for that.
DARIA: Or so they tell themselves. (gets a thoughtful look on her face.) Unless...
QUINN: What??
DARIA: Unless the spinoff team wants to create a show that takes the intelligence of "Daria" and brings it up a notch.
QUINN: Huh??
DARIA: By testing the limits of the "Daria" viewers' tolerance. By saying "Hey, you complain so damn much about how the world is intolerant of people who are different; let's see how you react to something that's different from what you're used to."
QUINN: Oh, like that would ever work.
DARIA: Plenty of "Beavis and Butt-head" fans managed to expand themselves enough to embrace my show's utterly different brand of humor.
QUINN: (frowning) "My" show??
DARIA: And those who couldn't missed out on four -- soon to be five -- glorious years of sarcasm and wit.
QUINN: That still doesn't mean Aunt Amy's spinoff is a winner.
DARIA: No, but maybe it's not the lemon it pretends to be, either. Maybe its purpose is to shake fans out of their complacency over who the "Daria" characters are and what they represent.
QUINN: (scornful) Most fans thought I couldn't redeem myself, just 'cause I dumped three, four... thirty guys last year!
DARIA: To remind them that fan fiction is nothing more than a bunch of fans interpreting the characters' behavior, so no one interpretation is more valid than another.
QUINN: So, like, they don't know that one of us isn't suicidal.
DARIA: (eyeing her strangely) Um, yeah. (Bt) But most importantly, maybe its purpose is to force fans to distinguish between society's true crap and satire that skewers that crap. By refusing to hold their hands and say, "We are making fun of something that is stupid," therefore making them use their brains and figure out what the jokes are about.
QUINN: (looking confused) Those sound like pretty twisted reasons to do a spinoff.
DARIA: (patting her lightly on the head) Well then I guess it just isn't for you, is it?
QUINN: But Daria, we have to make guest appearances on this show.
DARIA: We do?? (frowns.) Son of a bi--!
(Fade to black. SUPER: Abruptly Amy, Fridays on the Lifetime Network.)
(Dramatic music swells in the background)
NARRATOR: The Barksdales have overcome personal tradgedy...
(Stock footage of Ruth getting nailed by Corona's car)
Narrator: They've triumphed over personal difficulties....
(Montage of Amy fighting Corona, Amy arguing with Rita, Amy arguing with Mrs Hecuba, Amy fighting Helen)
Narrator: But now... (Music stops) It's time for the Barksdales....To take a day off! (Music: Girls just wanna have fun)
(Montage of Amy, Rita and Ruth getting Makeovers, All of them walking into a bar, All of them running maddly toward a train station, persued by a cheering crowd.)
Narrator: But even while on vacation.... ADVENTURE will find them!
(Montage of Amy running across the top of a train, pursued by Ninja, Andrea and Amy fighting some men, Ruth hitting a man with a gun over the head with a frying pan)
Narrator: And ROMANCE!
(Montage of Rita kissing some guy, Amy kissing some lady, and Ruth kissing some guy)
Narrator: Plus, LOTS of laughs!
(We hear lots of laughs, which sounds suspiciously like a laugh track)
ALL THIS, plus more cheesy cameos, pointless crossovers, and brainless spin-offs, on the NEXT EPISODE OF ABRUPTLY AMY!!!!!!
Fridays, on LIFETIME, Television for Women....