[TV Guide synopsis: Amy's Happy Dough turns out to have some very explosive properties, plunging her mother and family into a legal morass. Meanwhile, Amy must defeat the terrorists who would use her dough for evil! Special Guest Star Wendy Hoopes as Helen Morgendorffer and Ben Stein as Luhrman!]

Voice Over on black screen: Alan Smithee is pleased to announce that this episode will be show without commercial interruption. The producers of this show have employed new technology to intergrate the commerials directly into the action of the show! As a result, there will be no commerical breaks. If you must go to the bathroom, do so now. We'll wait.

Sappy 1960's sitcom music plays on a black screen. One minute later, the show begins.

The show opens with the same music playing in the background . The camera pans on a now familiar street in Rutherford, Amy's adopted hometown. Camera stops at the doorway of "The Bake Sale", the bakery run by Amy's mother, Ruth. Pan back. Walking down the street, dressed in black, and wearing a jacket emblazoned with the letters "FBI" is Kristovo (female sighs are heard from the audience). Kristovo reaches out, and opens the door to the shop.

Inside is quiet. Glass cabinets are partially empty from the morning rush for rolls, muffins and pastries made with that miracle ingredient, Happy Dough! Standing behind the counter is Andrea. She has the cash register open, and is removing bills, and stuffing them in her jacket. Kristovo observes this, and clears his throat. Looking up, and seeing Kristovo, Andrea abruptly stops. She slams the till shut, and puts her hands behind her back, trying to look innocent. That's not a look that comes naturally to Andrea. Andrea speaks.

ANDREA: Eh?

KRISTOVO: (obviously not going to interfere) I'm here to take Amy to lunch. Where is she?

Andrea replies in typical verbose teenager fashion.

ANDREA: Back.

Andrea points to a door behind the counter.

Kristovo exhales loudly, and walks through the rear door...

...and into Amy's Crime Lab and Research Kitchen!^TM   Yes, here is the sanctum sanctorum of Inspector Amy, the place where crimes are solved, and new exotic forms of pastries and yummy treats are forged on the anvil of science! The walls are covered with lab equipment. Test tubes and condensing equipment sit on a central metal table. Chemical containers with fluids and powers of all colors share the table with baker's bowls, bags of sugar and flour, measuring cups and various herbs and flavorings.

Another wall has a number of boxes, marked paper towels, paper plates, etc. This wall has a door leading outside. The door is open, so it is warm outside. The open door leads to an alley.

In another corner of the room is a beat-up couch. (Apparently some of these experiments keep our heroine, who possesses a masters degree in chemical engineering, here to all hours of the day and night.

And speaking of our hero, there she is! On the single wall not lined with equipment, is a white board. Across the top are the words "Happy Dough". Underneath that is scrawled chemical equations, and a complex molecular diagram. Adding to the equations is Amy! She turns when Kristovo enters the room. A streak of flour goes across Amy's forehead. Amy is wearing a white lab coat. Highlighted inside the white coat are a dark, skintight top, and a short skirt (male whistling from the audience is now heard, and this is, after all, television). Amy smiles.

AMY: Kristovo! You're here early!

KRISTOVO: (looks at watch) No, not early. It's lunchtime! Remember? We are going out...

AMY: Lunch? Oh damn! I forgot!

KRISTOVO: Lost in your work again?

AMY: I've discovered the most amazing things! I must show you! This is an absolute boon to law enforcement!

Amy walks over to the table, and holds up a bowl of dough.

KRISTOVO: Dough? We have donuts in law enforcement already, Amy...

AMY: Not just any dough! Happy Dough! Since the fortuitous accident that produced the original formula, I've been experimenting with it. This dough has amazing properties! It all has to do with the amount of glutinous proteins, and the interaction with more reactive substances. The cloves created an ionic bond between the glutton and the fatty acids provided by the added chocolate...

Kristovo is looking confused. Amy points at the board, and realizes that is not going to help explain. She then turns, and picks up a stainless steel tube from the table.

AMY: This is an extruder. It is powered with compressed air. On the side (she points to a small control panel) I can control the exact temperature, and moisture content of the dough that's loaded into this chamber (Amy points to a cylinder attached to the side of the tube.

KRISTOVO: I lack your scientific background. But how, pray tell, will Happy Dough be a boon to law enforcement?

Amy adjusts a setting on the side of the tube, and then speaks.

AMY: Imagine you need to passively restrain someone. Someone like...an adopted daughter who agreed to mind the bakeshop counter so her mother could work but then tries to sneak off without telling anybody...

Amy turns on her heel, and aims the metal tube. Outside the open door is Andrea. She has on a backpack, and is pushing a motorcycle though the alleyway, obviously trying to sneak off. Amy presses a button. With a "POK - POK" sound, two blobs of Happy Dough exit the front of the extruder. The blobs impact on Andrea's feet. Andrea looks down, and desperately tugs at her feet. Her boots are gummed to the pavement. She scowls at Amy. Amy smiles.

AMY: See! The subject is immobilized! Now, to disarm your subject...

Amy tweaks the controls again and fires. This time, a long cord like stream of dough comes out. Like a bungee cord it extends from the extruder, and impacts on Andreas backpack. The dough snaps back, reentering the tube, and bringing the backpack with it. As the backpack reaches Amy, she grabs it, and frees it from the dough. Opening the top of the backpack, she removes two cartons of cigarettes.

AMY: I thought so!

ANDREA: Ma!

Kristovo is dumbfounded. He smiles.

KRISTOVO: That is a great tool for law enforcement! Not to mention an indispensable piece of equipment for parents...

AMY: But...that's not all!

Amy touches the controls again, and now points the tube at Kristovo. Before he can react, Amy fires off another ball of dough. This blob impacts his wrists. It forms into a pretzel like set of handcuffs! Kristovo strains with his Mighty Arms^TM to free himself! His biceps contract, and the dough stretches. Then it snaps back, leaving his arms immobilized.

KRISTOVO: Wow, er... that's great, Amy. Now...

Amy smiles, and fires another blast at his feet. Kristovo is now bound, hand and foot. Amy laughs.

AMY: I can handcuff a whole room full of suspects with just one chamber full of Happy Dough. I can...

Amy regards Kristovo, who is vainly struggling to escape his bonds.

AMY: (voice is getting husky) Hummm. Can't get out, eh? You look...(voice deepens)...very...helpless...

Amy swaggers over to Kristovo. He is looking concerned.

KRISTOVO: Amy! You're right. This stuff really works! Now, if you would only get me out of this...we're going to lunch today. Remember?

Amy is inches from Kristovo's face. She leers at him.

AMY: Hmmm. Let's have "lunch" here.

Amy gently pushes Kristovo. He falls backwards, and lands on the sofa. A small cloud of dust comes off it. Amy jumps on top of him, and straddles him with her legs.

AMY: (leering) Yes. I like this...

KRISTOVO: (obviously not at ease) er, Amy. Ah, the store! What about the store! You can't leave it untended! Someone might come back here, while...while...

AMY: (voice still deep and husky) Don't worry about that. I'm sure now that Andrea is not going anywhere...

Amy turns, and her eyes widen. Andrea is gone. Her motorcycle is missing too. The only thing that remains is her unlaced boots, still gummed in place. Amy goes red with rage! She screams, and her voice echoes down the alleyway...

AMY: ANDREA!!!!!!!

The scene changes. It is a small town, populated by small wooden shacks. Snow falls and the wind blows. The streets are abandoned. The sky is dark slate gray. Dark clouds churn across it.

A sign on the outskirts of the town reads "Earth's End, British Columbia". One shack is larger than the others. It is a ramshackle affair, with additions haphazardly appended to it. Lights are on inside. Snowmobiles and SnowCats are parked outside. Smoke curls from several stovepipes on the roof. There is a sign on the front. It reads simply "Diner".

Cut to the inside of the diner. It is dimly lit by bare light bulbs suspended on their wires. Around the place rough-hewn wooden tables and benches. Seated at these benches are the roughest, toughest bunch of men and women you can imagine. All possess huge arms and hulking bodies. Arm wrestling matches breakout sporadically. Cards are dealt. Raucous laughter is occasionally heard. A jukebox plays a honky-tonk tune. Plates with greasy food clatter onto the tables.

Alone at a table is a figure. The figure wears a fur coat, with the hood pulled up over his head, concealing his face like the Grim Reaper. He is slurping a bowl of soup, bringing the spoon up inside his hood. Next to him is a long pole. A man with a dirty apron approaches. He slams a plate in front of the mysterious stranger. The man looks at the plate's somewhat congealed and ambiguous contents. He speaks. His voice is a clear, completely unemotional monotone.

HOODED MAN: What is this?

PROPRIETOR:  Hamburger. And cheese fries.

HOODED MAN: I did not order cheese fries.

PROPRIETOR: Look here. (the man holds up a dirty menu) This is'nt da fancy eatin' place you are probably used to. You don't get much variety up these parts. We got one kind of fry, and it's cheese fry! You got a problem wif that?

Obviously the hooded man does. The plate slams the proprietor in the face. French fries are adhered to his face with yellow, gummy cheese. The proprietor's face eyes turn red!

PROPRIETOR: YOU SON OF A BIT...

The proprietor starts to pummel the hooded figure with his fists. The hooded man continues to eat his soup, using his right hand. Using his left hand, he blocks the blows expertly, each thrown fist deflected harmlessly. The proprietor, now very enraged, charges in to choke the hooded figure. The mysterious stranger left hand moves like lighting. Without missing a slurp of soup, he back fists the proprietor across the bridge of his nose. The proprietor stops, stunned. The left hand of the stranger delivers an uppercut. The proprietor falls backward, out cold.

The stranger continues to eat his soup, uninterrupted.

This scene does not escape the attention of the other patrons. A huge man, face bulging in anger, picks up a huge chain and approaches the hooded strangers table. The man shouts...

MAN WITH CHAIN: Albert! Me brother! YOU DIE!!!

The man brings the chain down. It smashes the bowl of soup, splattering it in a ring on the table. But the stranger is not there.

The hooded stranger has moved, and now has the pole in his hand. On the end of the pole is a harpoon tip. It has an ornate pike on the side, the pole itself is carved with integrate figures and runes. Feathers adorn the point where the harpoon mates with the pole.

The pole moves. The pike hooks the chain as it is thrown again, and pulls it out of the enraged mans hand. The stranger discards the chain, and in one motion rotates the harpoon. He butts the angry man in the forehead with the blunt end. The man drops.

The entire establishment erupts in a fury of fists. Chains, knives, chainsaws, shotguns and clubs appear. The stranger removes these with his spear as each attacker approaches, moving his weapon in a blur.

Outside, the walls of the diner are literally rocking with the violence of the attacks inside. The lights flicker. The sound of breaking glass and crockery, and screams of rage are heard outside.

Back inside, the stranger jumps through the air, rotating the harpoon like a fan blade. Each attacker who confronts him is thrown backwards, unconscious. Weapons of all kinds litter the floor.

Cut back to the outside of the diner. All of the lights are out. Most of the windows are broken. Smoke escapes from the now open windows.

Cut to the inside. The room is silent, except for the groans of the patrons. The tables are shattered, the lights broken. Debris lays everywhere. No one is standing, except one lone figure.

The hooded form moves towards the door to the outside. One of the bodies on the floor weakly grabs his leg. The hooded man looks down.

The man on the floor is the proprietor, the man whose action started it all. He looks at the stranger, awe in his voice.

PROPRIETOR: Who...are...you...?

The hooded man extracts his foot, and stands back. He throws back his hood. And audience members who saw "I Don't" gasp in recognition.

MAN: Luhrman.

The man on the floor gasps...

PROPRIETOR: Is that your first name, or your last?

The man on the floor passes out. Luhrman pulls several Canadian dollars out of his wallet, and throws them on the now still figure.

LUHRMAN: Does it matter?

Luhrman steps out the door.

Shot of the outside of the building. Luhrman approaches a snowmobile. He pulls down a pair of goggles over his eyes. Behind him, the building suddenly creaks. Luhrman turns on his heel. Portions of the building start to fall in on the groaning patrons within. Luhrman pulls up the hood of his coat, and mounts the snowmobile. Looking back briefly, he speaks, in a perfect monotone.

LUHRMAN: I...hate...cheese...fries...

The snowmobile roars to life. Luhrman drives away. He is heading south.

The scene now changes back to a suburban setting. Sappy, happy '60's sitcom music flares up again. There is a shot of a television set. A talking head delivers the news. In front of the television is a couch.

There is a close-up of Amy's face. She is groaning in obvious pleasure...

AMY: Ohhhhh. Kristovo...Ohhhhhh... You do that so well! Ohhhhhh....

Pan back. Amy is lying on the sofa in the Barkdale home. She is fully clothed in the dark outfit she was wearing under her lab coat. Sitting at her feet is Kristovo. He is rubbing her feet.

KRISTOVO: I have a technique! It's too bad you had to be on your feet all day, minding the store...

AMY: Stop talking! More! More! More! Ohhhh...

At this moment, Ruth Barkdale enters the room. She looks at Amy disapprovingly.

RUTH: AMY!

Amy sits bolt upright! Ruth continues.

RUTH: Shame on you for carrying on so! Think about your poor sister!

Camera goes to Rita, sitting at the dining room table. She looks utterly miserable. Ruth continues.

RUTH: Here you are carrying on with your boyfriend, when poor Rita is sitting there. Lonely and depressed, with no male companionship...

Rita sighs.

RUTH: And because she's a recovering alcoholic, she can't even allow herself the comfort that comes from simple drink.

Rita sighs, and slumps into her chair. Andrea scuttles by, concealing something in her hands.

RUTH: And your own, er, daughter. Carrying on in front of her...

ANDREA: Yea. Carrying on.

AMY: You! (points at Andrea). You're the reason I'm "carrying on". If you were at the store today like you...OK. What are you hiding?

Andrea turns away.

ANDREA: Nothing!

AMY: Nothing my foot! Out with it.

Andrea turns and reveals she is hiding a glass of...

ANDREA: It's MILK, OK. Jeeze. Now I'm getting hassled over a glass of milk.

Andrea sets the milk on the dining room table.

ANDREA: What's wrong with milk?

AMY: Why, nothing's wrong with milk! Milk is important to a young girl like you. It provides calcium for strong bones...

Kristovo flexes his biceps.

KRISTOVO: And strong muscles!

RUTH: And milk contains many important vitamins!

AMY: Right! Like A, and B complex vitamins!

KRISTOVO: Don't forget it's loaded with vitamin "D"!

Andrea turns to the audience. She opens her jacket, and reveals a half empty vodka bottle. She winks at the camera.

ANDREA: And my milk if fortified with vitamin "V"!

Andrea turns to retrieve her milk from the table. It's gone! She looks in horror at Rita. Rita has drunk most of it. She wears the signature milk mustache. Rita smiles.

RITA: WOW! I didn't know milk could taste so good! I feel great! What a great pick-me-up!

Andrea speaks in a stammer.

ANDREA: Rita. Maybe you shouldn't drink that...

RUTH: Nonsense! Milk is for everyone!

Amy smiles. She mugs for the camera.

AMY: Got milk?

In the lower right side of the screen, the milk symbol appears briefly. The television gets louder. Kristovo is standing near it.

KRISTOVO: Amy. If you are done with the integral commercial and want to get back to something resembling a plot, then take a look at what's going on here.

Kristovo turns up the sound. On the screen, a car is picked over by men dressed in bulletproof vests emblazoned with the letters FBI. A voice on the television explains...

VOICE OVER:  ...at the Canadian and US borders. A vehicle containing contraband, suspected of being destined for terrorists...

ANDREA: Contraband? From Canada? Jeeze, what could they be smuggling in? Salmon? Wait, I know! Maple syrup!

AMY: Andrea! Our neighbors to the north produce many worthwhile and useful things! They produce, well...there's oil and gas, and...er...well, you can still buy fireworks there, and beaver skins, and those little pine placards with Bible verses on them, and...

VOICE OVER : (on television) C4 explosive...

AMY: Oh yea! C4 explosive!

Amy pauses. She and Kristovo speak in unison.

AMY AND KRISTOVO: C4 EXPLOSIVE!

The television voiceover continues. On the screen is a picture of police vehicles stuck in some sort of glistening, viscous liquid.

VOICE OVER: The van released a smoke screen and a mysterious liquid, preventing the pursuit of...

The phone rings. Ruth picks it up. She gasps! She stammers into the phone...

RUTH: Yes. Yes. Oh dear. Yes. Right away!

Ruth hangs up the phone. She turns to Amy and Kristovo.

RUTH: That was the police! It's the "Bake Sale". Someone's broken in!

The scene changes to an abandoned junkyard setting. Mountains of wreaked vehicles ring the establishment. A contractors trailer on blocks sits in the middle of the junkyard, a van parked outside. One window is illuminated. The camera pans in...

Four shady looking characters are sitting in chairs around a table. Each is wearing a plaid shirt, with suspenders. Two of the characters look like the Mackenzie brothers from "Strange Brew"; the other two look a lot like Red Green and Harold from "The Red Green Show". (If you have not seen either show, it won't make any difference). On the wall is a flag with a maple leaf in the middle, and a fist, like the one used by the Black Power groups in the center. The bottom of the flag reads "The Canadian Liberation Army". One man with a beard takes his hat, and whacks the man with glasses.

TERRORIST WITH BEARD: You jerk, Harold! Why did you say "yes" to the border guard when he asked you if you were transporting fireworks?

Terrorist with nerdy glasses: Well, I did have fireworks!

He pulls out a "Christmas cracker" from his jacket. (A cracker, or popper, is a small firework that fires streamers of paper when the ends are pulled).

NERDY TERRORIST: Those guys can tell if your lying, you know. And the Mounties have those bomb sniffing beavers and...

The terrorist with the beard hits his nerdy compatriot with his hat again. He falls silent. The skinny terrorist (who looks like Rick Moranis) takes the popper and holds it up.

SKINNY TERRORIST: Idiot! We barely escaped! If we didn't have our pursuit "countermeasures" in the van, we be in jail, sure, eh.

There is an outside shot of the van. Inside, a still steaming machine labled "Mosquito Fogger" is seen. Next to it are several drums of maple syrup. A pump and a sprayer are attached to the bumper of the van. It is still dripping.

The heavyset terrorist takes the tiny "popper".

FAT TERRORIST: Now we have nothing to blow up our objective! (waves the "popper" in front of nerdy terrorist) You think we use this, eh?

Terrorist with nerdy glasses: OK then. You said you knew an international arms dealer. Well, where is he, eh? Not here, is he? No. Wah Wah Wah!

A monotone voice issues from the darkness.

VOICE: He's here.

The four men turn. Out of the shadows steps Luhrman. His harpoon is strapped to his back. In his hands, he holds a box. Luhrman sets the box on the table, next to the popper.

FAT TERRORIST: Yah. It's him! (looks at box) You got us more C4 explosive?

LUHRMAN: What I have here (Luhrman pauses, and picks up the popper) will make C4 plastic explosive look like...

Luhrman pulls the end of the popper. A mild bang is heard. Streams of paper issue forth. The terrorists look pleased.

Scene cut to Main Street, Rutherford. Ruth, Amy, Andrea, Rita and Kristovo arrive at the Bake Sale. The front door has been forced open. Several policemen are walking around the front of the store. One of them approaches Ruth.

RUTH: My God! Charlie! What happened!

COP:  (Ruth knows the name of everyone in town) Looks like a break in, ma'am. You probably want to take a look around, see if anything is missing.

Amy runs past her mother and the police officer.

AMY: Oh my God. I didn't go to the bank! I was too tired! Oh, what a fool...

She enters the building. Kristovo, the police and the remaining Barksdale's follow.

Amy is already at the cash register, hands full of cash. She looks puzzled.

AMY: Hmmm. Nothing is missing. We don't seem to be short any cash. At least (she shoots a hard look at Andrea) no shorter than we were at closing today!

Andrea looks to the ceiling and shuffles her feet, and tries to look innocent. She is not succeeding.

Kristovo is already in the back of the shop. Everyone else follows. A police officer stops, and picks up a pair of boxer shorts.

OFFICER: Hmmm... could these belong to the perpetrator?

Kristovo snatches them from the officer.

KRISTOVO: Those are mine!

All eyes fall on Kristovo. His face turns red. Amy snorts, holding back laughter. Suddenly, Ruth gasps! She is at one of the large refrigerators in the rear of the store. She stares in disbelief at the empty shelves...

The scene changes once again to a long shot of a large sports stadium. It is dark outside. The camera pans in...

Inside, the Canadian Liberation Army are smashing white blobs onto pillars inside the stadium, and putting small detonators, with stubby antenna into them. Luhrman is distributing the blobs from the white box he is holding. One of the terrorists get a good look at the box. It reads "Happy Dough"!

TERRORIST WITH BEARD: Happy Dough? You mean like in bread dough...

The nerdy terrorist is eating blobs of dough, and looking happy!

Terrorist with nerdy glasses: Wah Wah! More like pastry dough, Red! Excellent cinnamon flavor!

FAT TERRORIST: It smells so good!

He takes a bite. Luhrman finally speaks.

LUHRMAN: I'll thank you not to eat all of the explosive!

TERRORIST WITH BEARD: We're going to blow up a stadium with pastry dough?

LUHRMAN: Not just any dough. Happy Dough!

The terrorists look confused. Luhrman explains.

LUHRMAN: Amy Barksdale is the creator of Happy Dough. Possessing a master's degree in chemistry, she was able to come up a combination of ingredients that have a unique flavor, and a mild, but non-addictive psychotropic effect on the nervous system.

As Luhrman speaks, he takes a ball of dough, and smashes it onto a support.

LUHRMAN: I too, have a degree in chemistry! I realized that for those ingredients to possess those properties, the molecules of gluttonous proteins had to somehow be modified.

Luhrman installs a detonator into the dough.

LUHRMAN: I ran a computer model of this "Happy Dough". When the program finished, it provided me with a molecular map of this dough. Quite by accident, I compared this map with that of a plastic explosive! There was a near match!

Luhrman and the party of terrorists exit the stadium, and enter the empty parking lot. Luhrman continues to speak as they enter the only vehicle there, a van. The van drives away. Cut to the van interior.

LUHRMAN: Near match only, because the dough was denser, and potentially more powerful. Experiments showed that Happy Dough had the same properties as plastic explosive. It can be burned, baked shaped, struck, molded...

Terrorist with nerdy glasses: (licking fingers) or eaten...

Shot of exterior of van. It is moving up a hill. The stadium is seen in the background. Camera returns to the interior.

LUHRMAN: Or eaten. Without exploding.

The van reaches the top of the hill. Its occupants step out, and look out at the now distant stadium. It is dimly illuminated in moonlight.

LUHRMAN: But a percussive shock, from a small explosive...

Luhrman pulls out a small transmitter. He extends the antenna with his teeth, and puts his thumb on a button. He presses down.

A flash of light! A boom is heard in the distance. The ground around them rumbles! As they watch, the stadium crumbles, and falls in on itself! The terrorists cheer, and slap Luhrman on the back! One of them addresses him.

TERRORIST WITH BEARD: You are a genius! Hey! We never got your name.

Luhrman throws the transmitter to the earth.

LUHRMAN: Luhrman.

Terrorist with glasses: It that your first name, or your last?

Luhrman shrugs, and walks toward the van.

LUHRMAN: Does it matter?

Scene changes. It is daytime, at the stadium. Dozens of police cars and vans and fire trucks can be seen in the parking lot. Hundreds of uniformed officers and plain-clothes men and women, many wearing F.B.I. jackets walk through the smoldering wreckage of the former stadium.

Dogs are seen sniffing through the wreckage. People with instruments in hand probe the debris. Radios boom with voices and crackle with static.

The Amy Mobile pulls up next to an F.B.I. truck. Amy steps out of her car. She is wearing a trench coat, and wide brim hat. It's her "sleuthing suit", but it makes her look like Carmen Sandiego. A man jumps out of the F.B.I. truck. He is overjoyed to see her.

FBI OFFICER: Amy! Thank you for coming so quickly! As you can see, we got a real situation here!

AMY: What happened?

FBI OFFICER: Terrorists, Amy. It's bad. Canadian terrorists! We got a phone call, telling us this is in retaliation for US over fishing of salmon in artic waters...

AMY: Hmmm. This is Queen Stadium. This stadium was going to be demolished this Sunday, was it not?

FBI OFFICER: Right. It was. It seems we were lucky on this one. Looks like we've got stupid terrorists who don't read the newspapers. The city is going to save a cool million on demolition costs. But the press is mad because they didn't get a chance to film the demolition! They like to show these things falling down in slow motion all day on the following day on television! So we're under pressure to solve this one fast!

AMY: How can I help?

FBI OFFICER: You've got the master's degree in chemical engineering, Amy! This ones a tough one! We can find no sign of conventional explosives! The dogs cannot pick up a scent, except for that yummy cinnamon smell.

The officer inhales and smiles. Amy sniffs the air.

AMY: Hmmm...

FBI OFFICER: And the blast was huge! But our instruments can find no explosive residue! No radiation. Nothing.

The man looks to Amy.

FBI OFFICER: We need your help on this one!

AMY: I'm at your service!

Amy reaches into her car, and removes a metal suitcase. The FBI officer and Amy climb up the mound of rubble.

They reach a flat area. Radiating marks on the cement floor indicate this was one of the centers of the explosion. Amy turns her metal case horizontal, and presses a button. Legs fire out the bottom, and the top pops open, to reveal a mini-lab. Amy gets to work.

She takes samples with a pair of tweezers, and puts these in small test tubes. She adds drops of colored fluids, and shakes. She nods her head.

The police and FBI form a ring around her, watching Amy's every move. Amy's skill as a scientist is well known! She moves to a shattered pillar, and examines it with a magnifying glass. Amy steps back.

She approaches a wall of debris. She looks at it with her glass once again, and then takes out a pair of tweezers and a plastic bag. She pulls a small black dot out of the debris, and puts it in her bag. She removes another piece, and stares at it.

As the crowd watches in amazement, she puts the spot in her mouth and eats it...

A plastic bag is dropped on an oaken table. A voice is heard exclaim...

VOICE: Chocolate chips.

Pan back. The bag is on a conference table. Around it are a dozen stern looking men and women, dressed in black suits. As the camera moves back, the seal of the President of the United States is seen on the wood paneled wall.

Double wooden doors face a hallway. In the hallway, a voice is heard.

VOICE: Mr. President! It's time for your staff meeting.

Two men and two women in dark suits and dark glasses escort a grinning man on a Big Wheels tricycle pass the open doors. The grinning man is George W. Bush! They pass, and a gray-haired, heavyset man enters the room. Two men close the double doors behind him. He wipes is brow, and exclaims...

GRAY HAIRED MAN: Idiot!

The man goes pale and clutches his heart. An aide opens a pill bottle, and gives him a tiny pill. The gray-haired man puts it in his mouth, and in a second looks much better. It is obvious this man is none other than Vice President Cheney! He sits at the head of the table.

CHENEY: Go on.

MAN IN BLACK: (holds up bag) These are chocolate chips. They were a component of the explosive that destroyed the Queen stadium.

CHENEY: What was the explosive?

MAN IN BLACK: Agent Amy Barksdale has positively identified the explosive as "Happy Dough". It's an invention of hers. Someone broke into her mother's bakeshop, and stole the next day's batch of dough the night before the terrorist attack. It seems someone has found a diabolical use for it.

The people at the table begin to mutter amongst themselves. Cheney holds up his hand.

CHENEY: Let's cut to the quick. The President is very upset about this attack. Although no property that was not going to be demolished anyhow was damaged, and no one injured, he wants these people brought to justice now!

MAN IN BLACK: We don't have a lead right now on the perpetrators. In a few months...

CHENEY: We don't have months! The President wants to show swift justice! He's impatient! Like a child! If we can't get to the terrorists, then we prosecute the people...

There is a pause. People around the table gasp!

CHENEY: ...who provided the explosive!

MAN IN BLACK: Amy Barksdale! One of our own?

CHENEY: No! The administration is taking enough heat over the spy found in the FBI. We won't go after Amy. I mean to prosecute the owner of the "Bake Shop"! Ruth Barksdale! (turns to aide) Give me her file.

The aide hands Cheney a folder. Cheney opens it, and gasps. It is empty.

CHENEY: This is impossible!

MAN IN BLACK: No. We already checked. Ruth Barksdale has never been arrested. Never been fingerprinted. Never been investigated. She is sort of a pillar of the community in Rutherford, her hometown. Church going, Girl Scout leader...

A women in black speaks up.

WOMAN IN BLACK: I understand that the Mayor Danziger might be a willing witness against her...

Another man reaches down on the floor, and picks up a huge box. Inside it is many folders and computer printouts. He drops it on the table with a bang.

MAN WITH BOX: This is the file on the mayor. Extortion. Bribery. The list goes on and on. He would be less than credible...

WOMAN: There is no way we can , in good conscious, prosecute a woman without a record, and without a single well-founded charge!

The double doors open up. A man wearing dark robes enters the room. He has on a wide brim hat that looks more like a helmet. Large, round thick glasses obscure his eyes. His breath is heavy, sounding like it is being passed through a respirator. His voice is low, and menacing. There is a real "Darth Vader" look and feel going on here.

MAN IN ROBES: And that is because...you are amateurs!

The room falls silent.

CHENEY: Ah, Ken. I've been expecting you. (to the assembled members of the room) You all know Kenneth "Death" Starr. The President has asked that Ken here head the witch-hunt..er...prosecution of Mrs. Barksdale!

STARR: (in Vader like tones) There is always a way of prosecuting even the purest souls. I could have prosecuted Mother Theresa! All one needs is endless funds, and the full FORCE of the LAW!

A man timidly speaks out.

TIMID MAN: Well, ah, you know, this "win at all cost" attitude might have served you in the past, but I must point out that you are the last surviving member of that school of ...gag---gack...

The man clutches his throat, unable to breath. He looks up at "Death" Starr. Ken is making a pinching gesture with his gloved hand.

STARR: Your lack of faith disturbs me.

CHENEY: Ken. Let him go.

Starr opens his fingers.

STARR: As you wish.

The man collapses on the table, gulping air. The meeting continues.

STARR: We will start immediately. I already foresee the path we must take..

It's nighttime, outside the Barksdale residence. Most of the lights in the house are out. In the air, dimly seen in the moonlight, are silent black helicopters, right out of a paranoids nightmare. Lines drop from the choppers. Men dressed in black silently slide downward.

Amy is in bed, asleep. Moonlight from the window near her bed illuminates her face. Suddenly, the glass shatters! A figure swings in on a rope.

Amy leaps out of bed, immediately ready for action! She sleeps (as established in earlier episodes) completely in the nude. Her Lithe Body^TM is silhouetted by the moonlight coming through the now broken window. Amy snaps on a light.

There is a young man in front of her, dressed in black, and with camouflage paint on his face. He blinks in the light, and then stares at Amy. His eyes bulge, and his jaw drops as he stares. Amy obligingly closes his jaw with an uppercut. The man falls backwards, out cold.

Amy hears more glass being broken in the hallway. She grabs her "sleuthing coat", the trench coat she wore earlier off the back of a chair. She throws it over her body, and runs out the bedroom door.

In the hall, Amy sees another broken window. A dark figure is moving towards her mother's room. Amy throws herself at the figure, knocking him on the floor. He rolls over, and as Amy tries to pass him, kicks her against the wall. He gets up and moves forward.

Amy pushes herself off the wall, and towards her assailant. The man turns, seeing her. Both throw themselves at each other with flying sidekicks! They each block the other, and tumble to opposite sides of the room. A choreographed series of Matrix like fighting ensues, with lots of stop motion and wire suspension...

Outside, another black clothed figure breaks through a window. Camera pans back, then shot of inside of house.

The man is standing in a bathroom. In front of him, just out the shower, and with toothbrush in hand, is Kristovo! A towel is wrapped around his waist. The dark clothed man looks in disbelief.

MAN IN BLACK: Wrong house?

Kristovo makes a fist, and pulls it back, ready to strike.

KRISTOVO: You bet!

Kristovo swings his fist.

Outside shot of house. The man is black is propelled at high speed out of the window. Still holding on to the rope suspended from the helicopter, he swings over to, and through a window in the Barksdale home.

Inside the house. It's Rita's room. She is up, reading by a table lamp in bed. She sighs. She is reading a copy of Cosmopolitan. On the cover is the usual well-endowed woman with plunging neckline (down to the navel). The lead article on the cover reads: "Men. Make Them Come to You!" Rita sighs again.

The window shatters! The hapless man in black is propelled across the room, onto Rita's bed. He lands, unconscious, in her arms. Rita looks briefly at the dark, handsome young man. She then turns her eyes skyward, and proclaims;

RITA: THANK YOU, GOD!

In the hallway Amy and her attacker continue to duke it out. It appears they are pretty evenly matched. They charge each other, grab each other by the shoulders, and continue to move past each other.

The man and Amy roll on the floor. Both get up. The man reaches into a pocket! Amy responds by reaching into a pocket of her trench coat. Both Amy and her assailant "draw" at the same time...

...their badges! Both face each other, and shout...

AMY and ATTACKER: (in unison) STOP! FBI!

Both look at each other, stunned looks on their faces.

Another bedroom. Another window. Glass breaks. Shards fall through closed drapes. The occupant of the bed sits up. It's Andrea's room. There is a green flash of light, and a sizzling sound from the window. A man screams! Someone else curses...

Voice outside window. DAMMIT! THERE'S BARS! AND THEY ARE ELECTRIFIED!

Andrea pulls aside the curtain. Indeed, thick bars cover the window. On the floor is a box marked "L'il Shocker". It is plugged into the wall, and clipped to the bars. Andrea speaks!

ANDREA: DAMN STRAIGHT THEY ARE! PROTECTS A GIRL FROM HER MANY ADMIRERS!

VOICE: Open this window! This is the FBI!!!

ANDREA: Don't believe you. And even if you where, you need a warrant...

Paper passes through the bars. It lands on the floor. In large letters, it is clearly marked "WARRANT". Andrea slams shut the drapes, and runs to the opposite side of the room.

VOICE: YOU! OPEN THIS WINDOW!

ANDREA: Oh, excuso me. I am Maria the maid. Por Favor senor! I must get Amy san, chop chop!

Something heavy starts to bludgeon the bars on the window. Andrea runs to her dresser, and opens the sock drawer. She throws socks in all directions, and then removes what looks like several plastic bags. Holding it to her stomach, she runs out into the hallway.

Amy and the other FBI officer stare at each other.

AMY: What the hell are you doing here!

FBI MAN: Got a warrant. Got a job to do. You of all people should know that.

AMY: There must be some mistake...

Andrea runs between Amy and the man, doubling over to hide the contraband she is holding. She is screaming...

ANDREA: OUT OF THE WAY! MOVE MOVE MOVE!

Andrea runs into the bathroom, and closes the door. Amy turns red, maternal instincts all aroused now...

AMY: Bastard! You've scared my little girl!

Before the other man can react, Amy socks him in the mouth, putting him out cold. She runs to the bathroom and tries the door. Locked. Amy calls inside.

AMY: Andrea, dear. Are you all right?

There is the sound of a toilet flushing. Repeatedly.

AMY: Oh, dear, she's sick!

Glass shatters once again! This time from Ruth Barkdale's room. Amy runs across the hallway.

A man is already on the foot of Ruth's bed. He's reaching into a pocket.

Man on bed. Sorry, Ruth Barksdale! This is for the good of the nation!

He pulls something out. Ruth, curled up at the head of the bed, screams in terror. A hand appears, and karate chops the man's outstretched arm. It is Amy! The man screams! The object in the man's hand flutters down in front of Ruth.

Man (now nursing his arm) That is a warrant for your arrest, Ruth Barkdale!

He man looks into Ruth's terrified face. Amy is standing next to the bed, confused and horrified. The agent speaks.

MAN: I'm sorry.

Scene change to the street in front of the Barksdale home. It is still dark. There are police cars and trucks all over the street. Ruth is being loading into a truck with bars on the windows. She looks terrified. Amy and Kristovo are standing together. Kristovo is dressed in only pajama bottoms. Kristovo squeezes Amy's hand in support. Amy calls to her mother.

AMY: Don't worry, Mom. We'll get you out!

Men dressed in black are limping and groaning as they leave the Barksdale home. One speaks.

MAN: Damn. I hurt.

SECOND MAN: I hurt, and I'm hungry.

FIRST MAN: Where are we going to get food at this hour?

THIRD MAN: Let's go to Wendy's. They've got a Bacon Cheeseburger Combo for only $3.99!

This man is holding a clipboard. He turns it to the audience, to reveal a picture of the Bacon Cheeseburger Combo.

SECOND MAN: Are they open?

THIRD MAN: Dave keeps the takeout window open late!

A cartoon image of "Dave", wearing a nightcap, sticks his head in from the right hand side of the screen. He gives the audience a "thumbs up", and then disappears from whence he came.

FIRST MAN: Let's go!

The police cars and the truck drive away. Kristovo holds a visibly upset Amy by the shoulders. As the street grows quiet, footsteps on broken glass is heard. Kristovo and Amy turn to see Rita. She is cradling a still unconscious agent dressed in black in her arms. She addresses Amy.

RITA: Can I keep him?

There is a moment of stunned silence. Then there is finally a sound. Inside the Barksdale home, a toilet continues to flush. Repeatedly.

Back to the junkyard. Our hapless terrorists sit at a table, arguing with each other. One has a newspaper. He slams it on the table. The headline reads "Bungling Bombers Blast Condemned Stadium!"

TERRORIST WITH BEARD: (to skinny terrorist) You! You didn't even check the newspapers! We blew up a stadium that was going to be blown up anyway!

SKINNY TERRORIST: Hey! You're the one who wanted to blow up that stadium!

TERRORIST WITH BEARD: National pride! Our Montreal team lost every time it played there!

FAT TERRORIST: It was stupid to blow up a stadium! We should blow up something more symbolic of American imperialism, like Disneyland, eh?

NERDY TERRORIST: We're not blowing up anything unless our "arms" supplier can get us more explosive!

All four men turn their heads to the middle of the trailer. A table has been set up. Open bags of flour, sugar and spices are spread across it. Luhrman is standing at the table, stirring in a bowl. He wears a frilly apron that is printed with the words "Kiss the Chief" on the front. He has flour all over him, the table and the immediate surroundings. Luhrman speaks.

LUHRMAN: (monotone, as always) If you incompetents hadn't been caught at the border in the first place, my organization would have no problem bringing in more C4 explosive for you. But your bungling has increased border security. It will be weeks before more plastic explosive can be smuggled in.

TERRORIST WITH BEARD: Well, let's just use more of that dough!

Luhrman holds his dough covered hands out.

LUHRMAN: That is what I am trying to do. I am going to duplicate Amy Barksdale's recipe. I should be able to do it, since I too have master's degree in chemistry!

NERDY TERRORIST: Why don't you just steal some more dough from the "Bake Sale"?

LUHRMAN: If you look toward the bottom of the front page of the newspaper, by bespectacled friend, you will see the Bake Sale is closed, and everything in it has been impounded by the feds. Ruth Barksdale has been arrested. She has been charged with...

The scene changes again. There is a shot of a table, with a thick bundle of papers on it clearly marked "Indictment". A voice speaks. It is Helen Barksdale, sister of Amy and Rita!

HELEN:...742 counts of "product safety" violations!

The camera pans back. Amy is sitting in Helen's law office. Amy is wearing a dark turtle neck and slacks. Helen wears her red "power" suit. And Helen is feeling powerful...

HELEN: Welllllll, Amy...why come to me with this? Can't use your charm, charisma and your fists to make this go away, can you?

AMY: Helen! The feds froze mother's bank account! We can't afford an attorney! That's why I came to you...

Helen pulls off her hairpiece (it was established in A.A. AOK that she is bald, and wears a wig) and reveals a jagged scar.

HELEN: Wellll, Amy, last time I saw you I got this, when you and that "daughter" of yours dropped one of my trophies from my old room onto my head! (Helen restores the wig to her head). I seem to remember being something of a pariah in the Barksdale home after that!

AMY: But you won back Mom's heart last Christmas!.

HELEN: Nonetheless, I can't help you! Fighting the federal government will take considerable time. And money! Money you don't seem to have!

AMY: I was hoping you would do it free, you know, er... pro bono?

Helen pulls out her date book. She looks, and goes "hummm".

HELEN: Can't possibly do it. I'm booked for the next three years. Now, Amy, if you'll excuse me, I have an important, and might I add rich, client waiting for me in the lobby!

AMY: Helen, you bitch! THIS IS YOUR MOTHER!

HELEN: DON'T USE THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME! IT'S YOUR DAMN INVENTION THAT STARTED ALL OF ...

Aaron steps into the room. Aaron is Helen's boss, and head of the firm. He regards the two women arguing.

AARON: Well, it looks like I walking into the middle of a good old-fashioned catfight! Meeeoowwww!

AMY: It's not a catfight, you....

Amy calms down, realizing she might have an ally in Aaron.

AMY: I'm trying to convince Helen to come to the aid of her mother. (Violins start to play in the background) Who raised, her, loved her, and taught her right from wrong. Who was there when you had a fever? Mom! Who was there when you took your first steps?Mom! Who sucked out the venom when the rattlesnake bit you? Mom! Who...

AARON: (holding back tears, apparently moved) Helen, how could you not...

HELEN: She wants me to work pro bono, Aaron.

The violin music abruptly stops! Aaron covers his ears.

AARON: PRO BONO! Ahhhh! Don't say that! (he removes his hands, and faces Amy) Look Amy, you must realize that as lawyers, we must treat everyone fairly! The rich deserve representation, too, dammit!

Aaron glances at the desk at the indictment.

AARON: My God! A Federal Indictment! What did your mother do to get this...

Aaron's hand starts to shake as it approaches the indictment. He steadies it with is opposite hand.

AARON: (voice far off) I feel a presence, a presence I haven't felt since...(his voice returns) Let me see that indictment!

Amy hands it to him. Aaron only opens it to the first page.

AARON: Kenneth "Death" Starr is the prosecutor! My God...

Aaron stands straight! He speaks with authority.

AARON: Helen! We'll take the case! We must start immediately!

Amy smiles widely! Helen looks confused.

HELEN: But we're booked! I have a client in the lobby...

AARON: Send him away! Sent all of our clients away! ALL the resources of this firm will be focused on this case, and this case ONLY!

Amy and Helen regard Aaron. He is wild eyed! He mutters to himself.

AARON: At last! A chance! A chance to make amends for this evil I loosed upon the earth!

Back to the junkyard. The terrorists stand behind an overturned car, which is acting as a shield. In the middle of the yard, Luhrman puts a blob of dough on an abandoned car, and installs a detonator. He runs back to where the terrorists are waiting. Once behind the car, he rises the antenna of his transmitter.

The nerdy terrorist is tasting a sample of dough. He does not look pleased.

NERDY TERRORIST: This doesn't taste as yummy as the "Bake Sale" dough!

BEARDED TERRORIST: (sniffing a sample) It doesn't have that delicious cinnamon and spice smell, either.

LUHRMAN: I only care about one property of this dough! Cover your ears!

The terrorists oblige. Luhrman presses the button. A soft "spluck" sound is heard. The terrorists remove their hands, and look over the top of their barrier. The abandoned car is still where it was.

The five men approach the car. Luhrman looks at where he put the dough. There is a splatter mark.

BEARDED TERRORIST: Looks like only the detonators exploded!

NERDY TERRORIST: Where did the rest of the dough go.

His answer comes in the form of a splat of dough on his head. He turns to Luhrman, pointing at his head! Runny dough drips off his hair.

NERDY TERRORIST: What does this mean!

LUHRMAN: It means that the only way to bring the United States of America to its knees is to steal the formula for "Happy Dough"!

The scene changes to a law library inside the firm Helen Barksdale works for. Inside the windows are dark. The clock on the wall shows the hour is late.

Helen and Aaron are in the library. Aaron is sitting in a chair looking a fat law volume. Helen is on the floor. There is a stack of books on the floor. Helen is balanced upside down on one hand on them. In her extended right hand are several books, balanced there. Helens shows are removed. Books are balanced on both feet.

Helen is sweating, and visibly distressed.

HELEN: Aaron! Why must I do this?

AARON: Balance, Concentration, and Control. These are what you are going to need to battle the Dark Side of the Force of Law!

HELEN: (grunting under the weight of the books) what do you mean, the Dark Side of the Law.

AARON: Force of Law, Helen. It is time you where trained, to learn to true nature of that Force!

Aaron gets a far away look on his face. He speaks softly.

AARON: The Force of Law! It's everywhere, Helen! Human civilization creates it, makes it grow! It's everywhere! In the laws that govern how we make food, how we educate, how we all live and die! It's in these books, Helen! It built these walls! It made us, Helen! Made us! As lawyers it defines us!

Aaron walks over to Helen and stacks more books on top of the ones in her hand. She grunts.

AARON: Concentrate!

Helen closes her eyes, and controls her breathing.

AARON: The Force of Law regulates humanities daily affairs. It provides order, a sense of purpose. And it puts money in both our pockets! (Aaron now grows serious) But when others of our kind, when lawyers start to use the Force of Law to destroy people, when it is used for personal power and political advantage, they soon become enslaved by the Dark Side!

HELEN: (grunts) Dark Side?

AARON: Yes, Helen, the Dark Side of the Force of Law! Kenneth "Death" Starr was a student of mine. I was a student teacher at our university. Despite the warnings I received, I took on his training. But he was turned, turned to the Dark Side of the Force of Law!

Outside, an auto alarm sounds. Helen is distracted. She wobbles, and falls! Books bounce across the floor. Aaron sighs.

AARON: Control, control! You must learn control!

Helen stands, slightly wobbling.

HELEN: That's my car alarm!

The next scene shows them in the parking lot of the law office. Helen's red SUV is sinking into a hole in the pavement. Helen operates her key ring remote control to stop the car alarm.

HELEN: Dammit! Another sinkhole!

AARON: A perfect example is here, Helen. We defended the construction company who was alleged to have built half of Lawndale on unstable landfill...

HELEN: Alleged! They did! (she points to her car)

AARON: No, Helen, thanks to our firms efforts, they were acquitted! We proved legally there was no unstable landfill. Therefore there are no sinkholes!

HELEN: But Aaron, the reality is...

AARON: Helen, the law is reality! In the eyes of the law, O.J. is innocent. Toy makers who make small toys are libel for choking accidents, but gun makers are not responsible for their product. You can get a million dollars by spilling coffee on your lap, but you can't collect a dime when cigarettes give you cancer. The law is our collective reality, Helen. It is the final lesson you must learn!

Helen. Look at your SUV. Look at the pavement! The law says the sinkhole does not exist! Look at it through the eyes of the law!

HELEN: OK. I'll try...

AARON: No! No try! Do! Or do not! There is no try!

Helen concentrates on the sinkhole. Her breathing is relaxed. She starts to focus. Suddenly, there is a creak. The SUV begins to rise. The pavement underneath it is forcing it up. Aaron's eyes grow wide. He smiles slightly.

Helen starts to hyperventilate! Her concentration fails. The car alarm goes off again. This time, the SUV sinks even deeper! Aaron's body sags with disappointment.

Helen uses her remote to stop the alarm again. Then she turns to Aaron.

HELEN: It's impossible! No one possesses the necessary naivetˇ to believe the law can turn black into white! (Helen sighs) I guess I'll call a tow truck.

Helen steps back, and pulls out her cell phone. Aaron turns towards the SUV, and extends his hand.

The SUV starts to move again. The pavement moves. The cracks in the pavement start to close. Helen looks up from her cell phone. Her jaw drops.

In moments the SUV is back on solid blacktop. No signs of the sinkhole remain. Aaron puts down his hand. He exhales loudly.

Helen walks over to the SUV. She touches it, in disbelief. Then she turns to Aaron.

HELEN: I...I... don't believe it.

AARON: (sighs) That is way you failed.

Andrea is sitting on the edge of a concrete culvert. It looks a lot like the trenches used in Los Angeles to prevent flash floods in the event of rain. It has high, banked sides. A boy is skateboarding back and forth, shooting up over the top of each bank, and expertly returning to the course, to repeat the stunt on the other side.

Andrea watches, drinking something from a brown bottle. She finishes the contents of the bottle, and timing the boy, rolls the bottle down the side of the culvert. There is the clash of glass, and a thud. Cursing follows. The boy craws up the wall to where Andrea sits. The boy is Ryan, Andrea's not so secret admirer. He has a bruise on his forehead.

RYAN: What'cha do that for.

ANDREA: Wanted to let you know I'm leaving. I'm supposed to be home right after school. Don't want to worry the folks.

RYAN: School ended hours ago.

ANDREA: That's why I'm hanging out with you. If I ever got home early, they'd really worry!

Andrea mounts a motorcycle. Ryan waves.

RYAN: See you tomorrow?

ANDREA: yea. Guess so.

Andrea guns the motorcycle and takes off in a shower of gravel. Ryan looks on with lovesick eyes.

Andrea is traveling down a side road towards her home. Suddenly, behind her, a van appears. She pays it no mind. It moves pass her on the right. Inside are five men, four of whom are dressed in plaid shirts and suspenders. The fifth man is Luhrman, who is driving.

The van pulls out in front of her. The rear doors open, and before she can react, maple syrup is pumped out at high speed onto the motorway. Her motorcycle wheels start to gum up. The van stops, and the four terrorists rush out to grab her.

But Andrea is standing on the seat of the bike. She jumps just as the bike becomes gummed down. She lands in the goop, and gets stuck. The men approach.

Andrea reaches down, and unlaces her boots. With a jump, she reaches the pavement. The men pursue.

Immediately, one of the men throws a net over her made of duct tape. The nerdy terrorist holds one end of the net. The other men converge on her.

Andrea pulls out a switchblade. It opens with a click, and with two wide slashes, she breaks free of the net. She runs down the street, bits of tape stuck to her.

Andrea runs, but without shoes, her assailants are catching up to her. She sees a bunch of those new two wheel scooters outside a store. She grabs one, and takes off. The four Canadian terrorists take one each themselves, and continue their pursuit. The storekeeper runs outside, waving his hands and cursing.

Andrea pushes on, just slightly ahead of her pursuers. She sees the culvert she was just at. She rolls in, and goes down the side at high speeds. The four terrorists follow. Andrea reaches the far side, banks in mid air, and returns to the trench. The four terrorists follow her. Three manage the turn. One does not. The nerdy terrorist flies into a pile of garbage.

Andrea is in the middle of the trench, pushing with one foot as fast as she can. The three remaining terrorists are catching up. Just as they are within grabbing distance, a figure zooms in, and scoops Andrea off her scooter. Her scooter falls over, and lands in from of one of the terrorists. He hits it, flies off, and lands on his face.

Only two terrorists remain. And Andrea's savior is Ryan, who is holding her in his arms while expertly navigating the culvert. He steers down a narrow channel. Ahead, a wrecked car blocks the channel. Andrea gasps, but Ryan keeps going strong. He hits a board that serves as a ramp, vaulting him and Andrea over the top of the car. A crash behind them shows one of the terrorists was not as skilled. One terrorist vaults over the wreckage and continues the pursuit. Ryan pours on the speed, and heads toward a drainage pipe. Ryan speaks.

RYAN: Andrea! Get that knife of yours out. Cut on my signal.

They enter the pipe. A rope crosses the middle of the pipe.

RYAN: Now!

Andrea slashes at the rope. It parts, and they pass through. Behind them, the rope pulls away. A giant metal grate was being held open by the rope. It falls behind them with a clang. There is a crash, and cussing as the last terrorist impacts it.

Andrea and Ryan are in the dark, heading for a light at the end of the tunnel. Andrea is looking at Ryan, clearly impressed. Ryan looks into Andrea's eyes.

RYAN: Nothing can stop us now!

Ryan should look where he going. They exit the pipe. A wooden ramp has been set up, going into the rear of the terrorists van. Ryan and Andrea ride up the ramp, and into the van. There is a loud crash. The rear doors of the van slam closed. A moment passes, and then a voice inside the van says:

ANDREA: JERK!

Luhrman locks the doors from the outside.

LUHRMAN: (sighs) If you want something done right...

The scene is Federal Court. The court has not been declared in session yet. Jurors take their seats. At the defense table sit Aaron and Helen. Standing near by are Amy and Kristovo. They are looking at the prosecutor's table.

There, sitting on the right is Kenneth "Death" Starr. Dressed in dark robes and thick round glasses, he sits, ready to begin. A woman, dressed in an all black suit, with an exceedingly short skirt, talks to an officer. Aaron speaks.

AARON: Do you see the hemline, Helen?

HELEN: (sighs) Yes.

AARON: Can you beat that?

HELEN: Yes.

Helen takes out a sewing kit, turns up her skirt, and pins it. She stands.

HELEN: I'll be right back.

She leaves. Aaron turns to Amy.

AARON: Amy, did you go over that list of witnesses the prosecution is going to call?

Amy hands him a folder.

AMY: Yes. I made notes. They are all here.

AARON: Good. Now I won't mince words. This is not going to be easy. But I'm pulling out the stops on this one.

AMY: Should I stay, in case...

AARON: No. Amy, the best thing you and Kristovo can do is continuing your investigation. Your mother's best chance lies with your finding the real culprits behind all this! Now go!

Two officers lead Ruth into the courtroom. She is in an orange prison suit, and handcuffed. Amy starts of sob.

AMY: Mom!

KRISTOVO: Come on Amy, let's go. We can help your mom best by doing our jobs.

Amy and Kristovo leave the courtroom. In the hallway, they meet Helen. Helen is looking self-consciously at her now shorten skirt. Amy speaks.

AMY: Helen. Good luck. And thanks.

HELEN: Thank you.

The two women hug. They then separate, and go their separate paths. Amy stops halfway down the hall, and turns to Helen.

AMY: Helen?

Helen stops and turns.

HELEN: Yes.

AMY: May the Force of Law be with you.

HELEN: And with you. My sister.

Andrea awakes. She is in a dark place. She tries to move, but she is restrained. Someone speaks.

NERDY TERRORIST: She's awake, boss.

The lights come on. Andrea is in a room, made up to look like a medieval castle. There is a pipe organ in one corner. Computers and a television camera are in the middle of the room. The television camera is trained on Andrea. Andrea is restrained on a medieval torture rack. Her arms and legs are locked in. A large wooden wheel is on the side. Luhrman stands by the wheel. He is dressed like a medieval executioner. His hood hangs in a hook on the rack.

LUHRMAN: You've been drugged and confined for a while. I thought you might want to stretch.

ANDREA: Ha. Ha. Funny. Especially the monotone delivery.

Andrea looks at the camera.

ANDREA: Why the home movies? Where am I?

LUHRMAN: You are in a location in Canada. We borrowed this set from the Canadian Film Board to conceal our true location. The camera is for the benefit of your adopted mother. I've set up a web-cast, and you, my dear, are the star.

ANDREA: Where's Ryan?

LUHRMAN: Your "boyfriend" has been sent on a little errand.

ANDREA: And what do you want from me?

LUHRMAN: Perhaps a plea for your life, once your mother is on-line.

ANDREA: If I have to listen to that drone you call a voice much longer, that won't be a problem. God, I feel like Al Gore has kidnapped me! You got a voice is flatter that that chick Daria who went to my old high school. Your voice is so flat...

LUHRMAN: (the first tiny shred of emotion is heard in this voice) Daria? You know Daria Morgendorffer?

Andrea looks at Luhrman. He has a lovesick look in his eyes. Andrea screams!

ANDREA: God! Not you too! What is with this Daria! All you guys want to go out with her! First it's that Trent guy, with everyone saying is she or isn't she, then it's that Ted guy, and now it's Tom! Now it's you! Meanwhile, you got cool Goth chicks like me! Do I get any phone calls! No! Do I get invited to any dances or ritual sacrifices? No! You guys all wantin' to jump on Daria. You guys are like dogs on a ham hock...

LUHRMAN: (shows anger now) Silence!

Luhrman give the wheel a turn. Andrea screams. At first is a sound like pain, but then it turns into more of a orgasmic groan. Andrea turns to Luhrman, and speaks in a husky voice.

ANDREA: Hmmm. You're good at this. This isn't your first time, is it?

Luhrman walks out of the room. Andrea calls to him.

ANDREA: Wait! You're not done interrogating me yet! Wait!

Silence. Andrea sighs.

ANDREA: Damn!

Bailiff: Here ye! Here ye! This Federal Court is now in session! The Honorable Ms. Li presiding!

We return to the courtroom, where the trial of Ruth Barksdale is about to begin. Helen looks at the bench.

HELEN: The judge looks like the principal of the school my children go to!

JUDGE LI: I know some of you are saying to yourselves, "the judge looks like the principal of the school my children go to!" Well, that's my twin sister, Angela. My name is Lili. Lili Li. Now that that is out of the way, let the trial begin!

Kenneth "Death" Starr stands and faces the jury.

"DEATH" STAR: The government charges Ruth Barksdale with 742 charges of product safety violations. By knowingly producing and distributing a dangerous product, Ruth Barksdale has empowered terrorist forces, which threaten to destroy the American Way of Life!

Normally I would say she deserves a fair trial, but in a case where the defendant is so loathsome, I move we skip the trial altogether, and take her to the village square and BURN HER AT THE STAKE! WHO'S WITH ME!

The courtroom erupts with chants "Burn her" "Burn her". Helen stands.

HELEN: I object, your honor!

JUDGE LI: Objection overruled! Unless someone gives me a good reason to continue, I say we save the taxpayer some money with an old fashioned lynching! Does anyone know why we should bother continuing?

Ruth looks terrified! Aaron stands. He speaks with authority.

AARON: Where is the sport in just burning her, your honor? Isn't there some political advantage to being able to say you convicted her fairly? (he faces Starr) Think of the book opportunities, alone!

Starr faces Aaron.

"DEATH" STAR: Ah. We face each other at last. Last time I was the student! Now I am the master!

AARON: Only a master of evil, Ken.

"DEATH" STAR: Judge, let's continue this trial. It should prove profitable to us all, and provide us all with sport.

JUDGE LI: OK. Let's proceed! Does the defense wish to make a statement before the witch hunt...er...trial begins?

There is a washing machine with its insides hanging out. Piles of appliances are stacked to the ceiling. Tools and equipment line the walls. We are inside Kristovo's home, in his Crime Lab and Fixit Shop!^TM

Amy and Kristovo sit together. Amy is viewing fingerprints and mug shots on the computer. Kristovo is wading through file folders. Kristovo throws a folder on the floor in frustration!

KRISTOVO: Damn! I can't find anything at all!

AMY: Keep looking, Kristovo! There has to be something here! You can't expect the clues to just knock on the door!

There is a knock on the door. Kristovo gets up, and answers it. At the door is a FedEx employee with a very large, washing machine sized box.

FEDEX GUY: Package for Amy Barksdale. No one is home next door. I know you sign for her stuff sometimes.

Kristovo takes the clipboard. He calls out.

KRISTOVO: Amy!

Amy comes to the door. She sees the package.

KRISTOVO: You expecting something?

AMY: No. (to the FedEx employee) Do you know what this is?

FEDEX GUY: No. I hear the box whimper, and call for help once in a while, but that's it. You wanna sign? I got other deliveries!

Amy and Kristovo look at each other, puzzled.

Back to court. The female prosecutor is questioning Mayor Danziger.

PROSECUTOR: Now, Mayor. You know the defendant, Ruth Barkdale?

MAYOR DANZIGER: Yes, I do. All to well, I'm afraid.

PROSECUTOR: What do you mean by that?

MAYOR DANZIGER: Ruth Barksdale is an evil, wicked woman! She sells her drugged cookies and pastries to the addicted thousands! She has sold secrets to the Russians, poisoned the water supply, kidnaps puppies and has spread syphilis to school children. She us...

HELEN: Objection, your honor! The prosecution is allowing this man's fantasy's to go into the record! This is at absolute best hearsay and at worst down right lying!

JUDGE LI: Objection overruled! Continue, Mayor!

HELEN: Your honor!

JUDGE LI: I said overruled! Be seated, council!

Helen sits down next to Aaron. Aaron looks like he is praying. He seems to be steeling himself for the battle ahead...

Back to Kristovo's. Amy opens the box. Inside is Ryan. His mouth is duct taped shut. He is wrapped head to toe in duct tape. On his forehead is a post-it note with an ominous message:

Note: Go to www.wheres-on-earth-is-andrea.net. See Andrea! Live! For a limited time only!

Back to court. Helen is now cross examining the witness.

HELEN: Mayor, you know you are under oath.

MAYOR DANZIGER: Yes. Another day. Another Bible.

HELEN: Does your testimony have anything to do with the fact that the government is dropping charges and giving you immunity in over a dozen investigations?

FEMALE PROSECUTOR: Objection, your honor!

HELEN: That you have no evidence to support these claims...

FEMALE PROSECUTOR: Objection, your honor! This questioning is irrelevant!

HELEN: I'm establishing the credibility of this witness, your honor!

JUDGE LI: Objection sustained! This man is a mayor, and former high school principal! That establishes his credibility with me! Recorder! Strike these comments from the record!

Helen stands, stunned.

JUDGE LI: Do you have any relevant questions to ask, Ms. Morgendorffer?

Back to Kristovo's. Amy, Kristovo and Ryan stand in front of a computer. Ryan still has bits of duct tape in his hair. Amy types in the URL. A video feed screen appears. After several seconds, a figure is seen, strapped into the medieval torture rack. Amy speaks into a microphone.

AMY: Andrea! I hope this is not your idea of an after school job!

Back to court. Helen seeks a relevant question for the Mayor.

HELEN: Mayor. Do you have a record?

MAYOR DANZIGER: No! I have the CD! Smashing Pumpkins Latest release! "YUCK!"

HELEN: And where did you aquire this hit album?

MAYOR DANZIGER: At SAM GOODY'S!

JUDGE LI: It's on SALE NOW!!! Thank you Mayor. Please continue, council.

It takes a second for Helen to get back on track.

HELEN: Yes. How long have you known the defendant, Mayor Danziger?

MAYOR DANZIGER: Why, probably 40 years now! I've lived here all of my life! I was your high school principal, as you remember.

HELEN: I remember that well.

MAYOR DANZIGER: That was some time ago. I was a young man, and you were in your teens! My! That long ago! You must be at least...lets see, forty...

HELEN: Forty...two!

MAYOR DANZIGER: Oh, no, no! You graduated 32 years ago. That would make you...

HELEN: Never mind what that make me!

JUDGE LI: Answer the question, councilor!

HELEN: I'm not on trial here!

JUDGE LI: Answer!

Helen mumbles, barely audible.

HELEN: fifty.

JUDGE LI: I didn't hear that!

HELEN: FIFTY!!!

The courtroom roars! Someone shouts "Old bat!" Helen looks like she is going to die. She looks to Aaron. He is still meditating.

Back to the mock dungeon of Luhrman! A light has come on by the TV camera.

NERDY TERRORIST: (at computer) She logged on!

Luhrman puts on the executioners mask.

LUHRMAN: It's show time!

Luhrman nods to another terrorist at the pipe organ. He starts to play Bach's Decada in "D".

Back to Kristovo's shop. Pipe organ music comes out of the computer speakers. A hooded man comes on camera.

LUHRMAN: Welcome, Amy Barksdale. Welcome to my humble house of horrors!

AMY: Who are you! What have you done with my daughter?

LUHRMAN: Who I am in not important. Let's just say I'm a huge fan of yours, Amy Barksdale. And of your invention, Happy Dough!

AMY: You! You are one of the terrorists!

LUHRMAN: Correct! As to what I done to your daughter, the answer is nothing. Yet. But that is subject to change...

Luhrman gives the wheel a turn. Andrea shouts, first in pain, and then in pleasure!

Amy and Ryan scream in horror. Kristovo's left eyebrow rises.

AMY: You fiend! What do you want?

LUHRMAN: I want the formula for Happy Dough!

ANDREA: Don't give it to him, mom!

Luhrman turns the wheel again. More orgasmic cries.

ANDREA: Do it again...er... I mean, don't tell him, mom!

Amy turns to Kristovo.

AMY: What do I do?

Back to court. Big Harv is being sworn in. When he takes his hand off the Bible, a blob of marshmallow goo remains. Big Harv is the marshmallow monster Amy fought in the recent past! Big Harv has assumed human form, as he did in the Christmas special. Helen speaks to Aaron.

HELEN: What do I do?

AARON: Helen, I am going to do something that will cost me and the firm plenty. It might not work. But if it does, if I am successful, I'll want you to do this for me.

Aaron whispers in Helen's ear. Helen sits back, horrified!

HELEN: Aaron! If I do that, it might tear my family apart!

AARON: You know how I feel about you! It's that, or your mother. Decide!

Helen looks at her mother. Her eyes are wide, like a frightened animal begging for its life. Helen sighs.

HELEN: I'll do it. I have too!

Back to Kristovo's. More cries of pain and pleasure from the speakers. Amy speaks into the microphone.

AMY: I'll do it. I have too!

LUHRMAN: Now your making sense!

ANDREA: DON'T MOM! PLEASE!

KRISTOVO: Amy! If you give him the formula, he'll bring the country to its knees!

Amy is typing furiously on the keyboard. A complex chemical formula is appearing on the screen.

Amy mutters to herself.

AMY: One desperate chance left.

Back to court. The prosecution is questioning Big Harv. "Death" Starr is doing the examination. Aaron mutters to himself.

AARON: One desperate chance left.

"DEATH" STAR: So, Mr. Clifford. There are a lot of people who said you were dead!

BIG HARV: Yea. Well a lot of people are wrong. But there are those wouldn't mind me being dead! Ruth Barksdale, for example.

AARON: Objection, your honor. I object to having Big Harv being called as a witness.

JUDGE LI: What is your objection?

AARON: There is no provision in American jurisprudence for marshmallow men to testify in a court of law!

The entire court bursts out in laughter. Big Harv laughs. He starts to loose his human shape. With a great effort of will, he regains human form. No one, of course, in the courtroom notices him.

JUDGE LI: Objection overruled! That is ridiculous! Prosecution, please continue.

AARON: No! I object!

JUDGE LI: I overruled you!

AARON: Well! So what! You're just a big poop-head!

The courtroom collectively gasps. Judge Li speaks.

JUDGE LI: What did you call me?

AARON: Jeeze! Are you deaf as well as stupid? I called you a POOP-HEAD!

JUDGE LI: And I call you in contempt of court! You are fined 200 dollars!

Aaron opens his robe. He is wearing nothing underneath except boxers with hearts on them.

AARON: I'm a little short right now. Pro Bono work does that, you know!

JUDGE LI: Then I remand you to the federal correction facility for one day! Tomorrow, I trust you will possess a move civil attitude. As well as some pants! Officers, take him away!

Two court officers grab Aaron by the arms. Arron drops his robe on the floor, and is lead away in his boxers. Helen screams!

HELEN: NOOOOO!!!!

Kenneth "Death" Starr walks over to the robe, and touches it with his foot, acting like he can't believe it's no longer occupied. Starr looks at Helen, and exhales heavily.

"DEATH" STAR: All too easy!

Back to Luhrman's artificial dungeon. He is looking at a projection on the wall. As Amy types on her computer, the formula for "Happy Dough" appears on Luhrman's machines. A printer starts to print, calling out precise amounts of milk, flour, yeast and various spices. Luhrman speaks.

LUHRMAN: All too easy!

Luhrman turns to the camera. He still wears his hood.

LUHRMAN: This looks to be correct! I plan on testing your formula, Amy. I trust it will explode with the same violence that previous batch did!

AMY: (through a loudspeaker) It will explode with the same energy as before. Now, release Andrea!

ANDREA: Mom! No! Don't give in!

LUHRMAN: First I test the formula, to make sure there are no tricks. Until then, your daughter remains as my guest! Thank you Amy! And goodbye!

Luhrman waves to the nerdy terrorist, who types on his computer. The red light on the camera goes out. Luhrman walks away, reading the formula. Andrea calls to him.

ANDREA: Mom lied! She wouldn't give you the formula, not on just that pathetic little bit of torture...

Andrea is very stretched out now. She is having trouble hiding her contentment.

LUHRMAN: If this is a trick, be assured I will be back.

Luhrman leaves the room. Andrea calls after him!

ANDREA: It's a trick! COME BACK! COME BACK!

Andrea sighs.

ANDREA: I think I'm in love.

In the courtroom, "Death" Starr finishes his examination of Big Harv. The judge calls Helen.

JUDGE LI: Your turn to cross-examine.

Helen looks lost. She looks up at the Judge.

HELEN: I need a one-hour recess.

JUDGE LI: One hour then! Dismissed!

Amy logs off the computer in Kristovo's workshop. Both Kristovo and Ryan look at her in shock!

KRISTOVO: Amy! You gave into them! I don't believe that...

AMY: No time for explanations! Quick! To the AMYMOBILE!

All three run out of the room.

In the courtroom recess, things are chaotic. Vendors walk the isles, selling beer and hot dogs. Another vendor is hawking "Hangin' Ruth" doll souvenirs. Helen sees that the "Hangin' Ruth" is an effigy of her mother with a noose around its neck.

Helen has a laptop open. She is logged into an online law reference site. She desperately seeks a prescient she can use. Her two legal assistants sit in the front row of the courtroom, staring at her. Rita sits behind them, looking worried, and drinking out of a large carton of milk.

It is a snow-covered landscape. Luhrman and three terrorists stand in front of a wooden building. Snow is gently falling.

In the distance, the forth terrorist is rigging a "Happy Dough" bomb to another beat-up car. He runs back to the others. They all crouch behind a snow bank.

The nerdy terrorist is licking his fingers.

NERDY TERRORIST: This is good! Just like the first batch!

BEARDED TERRORIST: And that yummy smell. Cinnamon! It's much stronger than before!

LUHRMAN: I only care about one thing.

Luhrman presses the button of his detonator.

The explosion is tremendous! It shakes the earth, knocking the terrorists to the snow covered ground. The car is launched into the atmosphere! Pieces of it fall near the terrorists. Finally the shredded remains of the car lands with a thump. The terrorists cheer!

Bits of dough land in the snow near their feet. They melt into the snow. A purple cloud of gas comes up from the ground.

Each of the terrorists in turn gets a whiff. Their eyes grow large, like they are on Glitterberrys! They speak in drugged voices.

BEARDED TERRORIST:Whoa!

NERDY TERRORIST: Way cool!

SKINNY TERRORIST: Wow!

FAT TERRORIST: Yea...

They all sit in the snow. The background melts into a tie-dyed burst of color. Jimmy Hendrix's "Purple Haze" plays in the background.

Luhrman sees what is happening. He covers his mouth, and runs into the building.

Just as a dog-sled arrives! It goes up to the building. In the back, are Amy, Kristovo, and Ryan! Ryan has his skateboard strapped to his back.

Kristovo is in a heavy coat and boots. Amy looks like Carmen Sandiego again, except with large, black boots and red earmuffs under the wide brimmed hat. One of the terrorists looks up, and speaks in a drugged voice.

NERDY TERRORIST: hey, like, how did you find us?

AMY: I had the FBI trace the web-cast. Clever. It was routed through different businesses and universities on the 'net, but we fianlly got to within 100 miles of where you were hiding! Then (she pets the lead dog) we used our FBI special blended breed of sled dog and bloodhound! We put them on the cinnamon scent! My formula included a lot of extra cinnamon, as well as a few modifications to the glutton content. Once the raw dough contacted water, it released the hallucinogenic gas you are enjoying now!

The terrorist giggles, and falls backwards.

Amy pulls her gun. Kristovo does likewise.

AMY: None of these losers look like our mastermind! He must be in the building!

Ryan points to the rear of the building.

RYAN: Was in the building!

A snowmobile blasts off from the side of the building. Luhrman is on it, his harpoon strapped to his back. Amy and Kristovo fire at the retreating figure, but he is gone! Amy runs to the dog sled!

AMY: I'll catch this one! You two! Go find Andrea! (to the dogs) Let's go!

The dog sled takes off in hot pursuit.

In the courtroom, the clock shows that Helen's hour has nearly all past. She looks at the prosecution table. They seem very upbeat. An assistant spills a small amount of coffee on Ken. Kenneth "Death" Starr pinches with his fingers, choking him. The boy goes to his knees.

The female prosecutor is speaking with a uniformed officer. She drops a piece of paper, and stoops to pick it up. Ken look at her ass, and smiles. He releases the boy, and makes a pinching motion in the woman's direction. She gasps, and grabs her ass, like it was just pinched. She looks around her. Kenneth "Death" Starr laughs to himself evily.

Across the frozen tundra Luhrman and Amy race in their respective vehicles. Amy is slowly gaining ground. In the distance, the ocean can be visible. They are moving towards it.

Ryan is the first to enter the artificial dungeon of Luhrman. He runs over to Andrea, still restrained in the rack.

RYAN: Andrea! Are you, like, OK.

ANDREA: Yea.

Ryan looks at the rack, confused.

RYAN: How do I get you out?

ANDREA: I think (she smiles) you turn that big wheel there!

Luhrman is heading for a structure of the frozen shore of the ocean. It looks like a giant igloo, made of ice! He flies through the door, followed closely by Amy and the dog sled!

Inside, there is a polished ice floor. The ceiling is high, like a cathedral. Luhrman steps off the snowmobile, letting it slide to a corner of the room. Luhrman wears a ski mask, hiding his face. He pulls out his harpoon and waits.

Amy enters the room. The dogs stop abruptly, allowing the sled to whip around them. Amy uses the momentum to propel herself towards Luhrman. She pulls her gun, and aims while she slides toward him.

Luhrman moves in a blur. Before Amy can fire, the harpoon hooks the weapon, and Luhrman discards it. He trips Amy with the pole. Amy tumbles, and slides to a stop on her ass. Luhrman stands in front of her, harpoon aimed at her throat!

Back at courtroom, Helen has less that ten minutes left. She keeps looking at the computer. Suddenly, a disembodied voice is heard.

Aaron's VOICE: Use the Force of Law, Helen!

Helen looks around her.

HELEN: Aaron! Is that you? Are you using the Force to speak to me from the beyond?

AARON: Hell no! I put a radio under the lapel of your suit before I was hauled away. I'm in the federal lockup right now. Just like I had hoped!

HELEN: Aaron. Why?

AARON: Never mind. You must confront Starr. You can do it. The Force of Law is strong in you!

HELEN: How? I can't even...

AARON: Remember the sinkhole? Remember what I told you? Use the Force, Helen. With it, turn black into white. Lies into truth. Defeat into Victory!

HELEN: How?

AARON: Use your imagination, Helen. It's the most important asset a lawyer has. I must go now! May the Force of Law be with you. Always!

HELEN: Aaron?

Aaron is gone. Helen sits for a minute. Then a look of resolve appears in her eyes. She closes the laptop. Maryanne, the legal assistant behind her, calls out.

MARYANNE:: Helen, you shut off your computer!

HELEN: OK. I'm OK!

She looks up. Judge Li has returned.

JUDGE LI: Are you ready to resume?

HELEN: Just a minute. She pulls out her cell phone.

HELEN: (into phone) Jake. Is that you? Jake, I need you to do something...

Amy regards Luhrman and the point of his harpoon, only inches from her neck.

AMY: Luhrman. You can take off the ski mask. I know who you are.

Luhrman complies.

LUHRMAN: Very good, Amy. How did you know?

AMY: I never forget a face. Or a voice! We met at a wedding, I believe.

LUHRMAN: That is correct. You and your niece...Daria!

Luhrman says the name Daria with reverence. Amy begins to understand.

AMY: This is all about Daria, isn't it?

LUHRMAN: It is. It's about you, too. About how you launched me on my career of crime.

AMY: That's a jump. Can you be more specific?

LUHRMAN: Of course...

There is a fade to the wedding where Luhrman, Amy and Daria met. Amy is standing. Amy speaks.

AMY: Things are getting ugly. I suggest we make a hasty but unobtrusive exit.

DARIA: Really?

AMY: Let's go find a place that serves cheese fries. You eat, I'll watch.

DARIA:  (to Luhrman) I'm, uh, taking off.

LUHRMAN: Oh sure, leave me to the dogs.

DARIA:  You can come if you want.

LUHRMAN: No, I prefer to sit here and watch the carnage unfold. It's been fun though.

Luhrman and Daria shake hands.

DARIA: Yeah.

Back to the igloo. Luhrman is looking at his gloved right hand with reverence.

LUHRMAN: We touched. I knew there would be no other! But you! You lured her away with your sinful ways and the promise of cheese fries!

Luhrman moves closer to Amy's neck.

LUHRMAN: You left me for the dogs!

AMY: Luhrman! You could have come! You were invited!

LUHRMAN: You were there! How could have I declared my love to her with you there. You and your accursed CHEESE FRIES!

AMY: Don't like cheese fries, do you!

LUHRMAN: Not since that fateful day! After that...

Fade to another flashback. We see scenes from the pizza palace. Daria and Ted sit in a booth. The scene is cribbed directly from "The New Kid". Crudely animated in, obviously after the fact is a head that peeks over an adjacent booth. It is Luhrman!

LUHRMAN: I followed Daria after that. I watched her break up with Ted, and I was glad. I still had a chance.

Other shots stolen directly from the Daria series. Daria and Jane walking together, with Luhrman peeking from behind a tree. There is a scene from "Fair Enough" with Luhrman in on the ferris wheel in the gondola in front of Jane and Daria. There's a locker opening at Lawndale High, and Luhrman's head peeking out as Daria passes.

LUHRMAN: I was working up my courage. But one day...

We see the final make out scene from "Is It Fall Yet?" As Tom and Daria make out in the car, a (more) depressed Luhrman slides out from under the vehicle on a mechanics wheeled cart.

Another scene. A despondent Luhrman is walking north. Snow falls around him.

LUHRMAN: I wondered aimlessly after that, knowing that I would never win her affection, knowing I waited too long. I finally collapsed.

Shot of Luhrman, still in the snow. A group of people in furs surrounds him. They pick him up, and carry him away.

LUHRMAN: A lost tribe of Eskimos found me. They took my near lifeless body to their encampment. There I was to spend the next two years of my life!

Shot of a group of people wearing furs performing some form of martial art. Luhrman is with them, practicing with spears and harpoons.

LUHRMAN: I was an apt student. I quickly learned the lost art of Kodiak-tae; The Cold Hand!

Another scene of a martial arts contest. Luhrman is defeating an opponent wearing furs, and taking his harpoon from him.

LUHRMAN: I defeated the tribal elder, and won the right to bear Harpo, the harpoon of the elders!

Back to the igloo. Amy is looking at Luhrman incredulously.

AMY: That is one far-fetched story, even by the less than demanding standards of this show!

LUHRMAN: True. But there it is. After I left, I decided to take revenge on an uncaring world. I joined an international cartel of evil! And here we are today!

Luhrman pulls back the harpoon to strike.

LUHRMAN: All because you left me for the dogs those many years ago...

AMY: I guess I shouldn't have left you for the dogs...

Amy leans back. In her hand, she operates a small, hidden remote control. A shot of the dog sled. A red light appears on the collars of the dogs. The collars unhook, and fall to the floor.

AMY: ...then.

JUDGE LI: Court is now in session. Council, do you wish to cross-examine?

HELEN: Yes!

She walks over to Big Harv.

HELEN: Mr. Clifford. I know, many people have claimed you are dead. Even "killed" twice! There are those who even think you are a creature made of marshmallow fluff, who...

"DEATH" STAR: Objection, your honor!

HELEN: Of course. Judge. I have a little demonstration. With your permission...

JUDGE LI: Proceed!

HELEN: Jake!

Jake comes out of the audience. He is dressed in a Boy Scouts uniform! He is smiling!

JAKE: Eagle Scout Jake Morgendorffer at your service!

HELEN: Remember what you told me about your Boy Scout Camp, Camp Wallawallabingbang?

JAKE: Those were some, if not the only, happiest moments of my childhood!

HELEN: And why was that?

JAKE: My father, Mad Dog, didn't go to the camp! I was away a whole month from him!

HELEN: No. The other reason.

JAKE: Oh yea! The nightly campfire! The songs! The marshmallow roasts!

Big Harv grunts uncomfortably at that.

"DEATH" STAR: Objection, your honor. Where is this going?

HELEN: Just a simple demonstration, your honor.

JUDGE LI: Very well. Objection overruled. Continue.

HELEN: So, Jake. You consider yourself an expert in the fine art of marshmallow roasts.

JAKE: Do I ever!

HELEN: Did you bring some marshmallows with you?

JAKE: You bet!

HELEN: And those pointy sticks for piercing the marshmallows with?

Big Harv groans, like he has been stabbed. Jake takes out several sticks.

JAKE: Sure!

HELEN: Good. Let's proceed. Maryanne?

Maryanne drags wheeled wagon to the center of the courtroom. Inside it is a blazing fire. She leaves, and Helen continues.

HELEN: Show the court how this works.

JAKE: Sure. First you take a marshmallow. Now you really need to center it just right before skewering it...

Jake stabs the marshmallow. Big Harv screams!

BIG HARV: Why are you doing this!

He is having problems controlling his form. His body distends. With great force of will, he regains human shape.

JUDGE LI: Quiet in the courtroom!

The judge seems fascinated with the demonstration.

JAKE: Now, you roast it slowly. You don't want it to burn!

Big Harv is squirming in his seat.

JUDGE LI: Ah, this brings me back to my days at Camp WoopyPooPoo. Jake, can you roast one for me?

JAKE: Sure!

Big Harv groans as Jake stabs another one.

Back to the ice palace. Amy leans back, preparing for Luhrman's blow. In the background, the sudden barking of dogs. She finally speaks.

AMY: Who let the dogs out?

Luhrman screams as a set of canine teeth enters his ass. With the blunt end of his harpoon, he sweeps the dog away. Turning, he throws the harpoon at Amy. It embeds in the ice. She is not there!

Two dogs run by Amy. She grabs their tails, and they pull her across the ice. She lets go, and slides to her feet. And whistles.

The dogs run to the sled, and remove a variety of martial art weapons. A bo, nunchaku and other weapons appear in the mouths of the dogs. They form a ring around the combatants. A dog brings her a pair of sais, and returns to the ring. Luhrman and Amy stare at each other. Amy waves her hand, in a gesture of "come on". Luhrman attacks!

There is the clash of metal as Luhrman stabs with his harpoon, and is deflected by Amy's sais! They tumble and spin, passing each other, obviously on wires. Luhrman finally knocks the sais's from Amy's hands. Amy slides over to the ring of dogs, and takes another weapon.

The mortal combat continues.

The mortal combat in court continues too. Jake now has four marshmallows going at the same time. Big Harv is sweating something that looks like confectioners sugar and water. He is having real problems maintaining his shape in his rage. Jake looks at the fire and speaks.

JAKE: Darn! One caught on fire!

Big Harv screams!!

Back to the ice palace, Amy continues to attack, and hold her own. But Luhrman's swiftness with his weapon keeps disarming her. The fight rages on, until the final dog approaches Amy with the one weapon remaining.

It is a stainless steel tube.

Big Harv is deforming. Helen observes this, and keeps egging him on.

HELEN: Jake, if you burned one, throw it out and start another!

Jake blows out the burning marshmallow, to the relief of Big Harv. Then he throws it into the fire.

BIG HARV: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Big Harv expands to full monster size!!! Tentacles pass throughout the courtroom! One sweeps Jake and his fire away. Another grabs Helen! He holds her up to his face.

BIG HARV: I'm going to KILL YOU!!!

HELEN: (calmly) Oh, yea. Oh, RITA!

Flames burn at a long tail like appendage of Big Harv! He releases Helen, and turns to face his attacker.

It is Rita! She is wearing a huge flamethrower. The giant tank on her back dwarfs her. She wobbles slightly under its weight. She stares Big Harv in the face. She then drops a face shield from a helmet she is wearing.

HELEN: It's payback time, Rita.

RITA: PAYBACK IS AFFIRMATIVE!

Rita blasts Big Harv in the face, and sweeps the flames across his body. Chairs overturn as people in the courtroom scramble to get out of the way.

Big Harv melts! In seconds there is nothing left but a pool of bubbling goo. Helen looks at it for a moment. She brushes a little confectioners sugar off her suit, and walks over to the female prosecutor.

The female prosecutor is covered in melted marshmallow! Helen speaks.

HELEN: Your witness.

The female prosecutor looks at the bubbling goo on the floor.

FEMALE PROSECUTOR: No further questions, your honor.

JUDGE LI: Court is adjourned until we clean up this mess! And (she turns to the prosecutors table) The prosecution is advised not to bring anymore monsters in this courtroom!

A team of people with mops and buckets start to clean up Harv. Under a chair, an unmelted piece remains. It forms into Big Harv's head. Spider like legs extends from it. This piece of Big Harv scurries away without being noticed.

Back at the ice palace, Luhrman attempts to knock the stainless steel tube from Amy's hands with his harpoon. It slides off its smooth sides. Luhrman stops, and throws his harpoon at Amy's heart!

Amy aims the tube up, and presses a button. A line of Happy Dough extends out tacks to the ceiling. Amy is bungeed up, and out of the way of the harpoon. It sticks in the floor.

Amy grabs the dough bungee with one hand, and the tube in the other. She fires a blob of dough. It hits Harpo, the harpoon of the elders, and gums it to the floor! Luhrman tugs at his weapon. It cannot be moved.

Amy lands on the ice behind him.

AMY: You are nothing without Harpo!

She fires a pretzel like pair of handcuffs on Luhrman. His hands are restrained. She then fires at his feet.

Too late. He is moving! Blobs of dough strike the ice, but miss their target. Luhrman runs towards a rear exit.

In the courtroom, Helen and "Death" Starr stand in front of the judge.

"DEATH" STAR: I want to introduce a surprise witness!

HELEN: You can't do this! This was not part of discovery!

JUDGE LI: Council for the defense is correct! This is highly irregular.

"Death" Starr looks Judge Li in the eyes. She starts to look hypnotized.

"DEATH" STAR: There's nothing wrong with a surprise witness.

JUDGE LI: There's nothing wrong with a surprise witness.

"DEATH" STAR: Bring him on.

JUDGE LI: Bring him on.

Helen realizes that Starr has just performed a mind trick on Judge Li, and that is how he has been controlling the proceedings. She turns in horror as Starr calls his witness.

"DEATH" STARR: I call my next witness. Tom Sloan!

Luhrman and Amy stand outside the ice palace. Luhrman is trapped on at the edge of the ocean. Amy closes in.

AMY: There's nowhere to go! You can't escape!

LUHRMAN: You stole my line! Observe.

Amy looks around her. There is water all around them! The igloo structure was built on an ice flow! Some force is moving it out to sea!

LUHRMAN: I'm afraid you're the one who is trapped!

Luhrman steps into the water, and walks on it several feet. Amy looks on in amazement. But not for long. A submarine emerges. Luhrman is standing on its hull.

LUHRMAN: I just wanted to delay you, so you wouldn't suspect that you were being towed out to sea by this submarine! We are now in the shipping lanes! And approaching (Luhrman points to the horizon) is an oil tanker.

Amy looks in horror as the tanker approaches at full speed.

LUHRMAN: That ship is just out of port with a full load of oil! My people in the port made sure the crew of that ship had a good time in port. (makes a motion like someone drinking) A real good time!

AMY: Why this ecological terrorism? Who are your people!

Luhrman pulls off his glove with his teeth (he is still bound by "Happy Dough"). There is a spider web tattoo.

AMY: You're in the Secret Society! Like Corona!

Luhrman drops the glove.

LUHRMAN: No! I'm in the Extreme Secret Society. The damn Secret Society copycats stole our original name, and our spider web motif«! We had a real branding campaign going, too! With the money my organization will receive with the economic chaos this oil spill will cause, we'll have the money to rub out the Secret Society once and for all! Then it will be just us! AND THE WORLD!

Luhrman descends into a hatchway of the submarine.

LUHRMAN: So you're going out in the biggest ecological disaster since Chernobyl. Goodbye Amy!

And as he closes the hatch.

LUHRMAN: NO MORE CHEESE FRIES FOR YOU!

The hatch closes. The sub disappears. The sled dogs line up behind Amy. In the distance, the tanker looms larger.

In the courtroom, Evil Tom takes the oath. He touches the Bible. Blue sparks come off the book (the same way they came off the ruby slippers in the Wizard of Oz when the wicked witch tried to take them), and force him away. Judge Li looks on.

JUDGE LI: Hmmm. We'll just dispense with that.

Helen looks into the courtroom. She sees that Daria, her daughter, seated in one of the rows. Jane Lane is sitting next to her.

The lights dim, and a projection screen comes down from the ceiling. On it is shown clips from when volcanoes destroyed Rutherford! "Death" Starr speaks.

"DEATH" STAR: Mr. Sloan. You were in Rutherford one the day of the mysterious volcanic activity that destroyed much of the town.

EVIL TOM: Yes. I was there, on "business".

"DEATH" STAR: Did you take this video?

The video show a crack filled with lava coming out of the Bake Shop.

EVIL TOM: Yes.

"DEATH" STAR: What conclusion did you reach when you observed this?

EVIL TOM: It's very obvious that the source of all this volcanic activity was the Bake Shop! Where else could it have come from?

"DEATH" STAR: Where else, indeed!

Helen is thinking to herself:

HELEN: (in her thoughts) If I don't expose Tom, my mother will go to jail for the rest of her life! But if I do, then my own plan to make Daria a conformist will come to an end!

"Death" Starr is looking at her, like he is reading her mind. He smiles.

"DEATH" STAR: Your witness.

As Starr walks off the stand, he speaks under his breath.

"DEATH" STAR: I have you now!

On the tanker, the sailors are singing:

SAILORS: (in unison) Oh, What to you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? Ely in the morning!

Before the more bawdy lyrics are heard, we go to the lookout post. The drunken song fades. The two lookouts pass a bottle back and forth, and look out at the ocean.

DRUNKEN SAILOR 1: (looks through binoculars) Nothin' Nothin' but ice, and water, and ice, and water.

DRUNKEN SAILOR 2: I know. Boring! Nothing ever different. Just the same...

DRUNKEN SAILOR 1: ...ice...and water and ice and a strip-tease act, and ice and WAIT!

He gawks, tongue hanging out! The second watch takes the binoculars from him.

DRUNKEN SAILOR 2: Wow! That's different!

DRUNKEN SAILOR 1: (into microphone) FULL STOP! STRIPPER DEAD AHEAD!!!

And on top of the ice palace is Amy. Harpo, the harpoon of the elders, is stuck point first on a flat part of the roof. Amy is dancing around it, throwing off articles of clothing. The dogs dutifully hold these for her. She's down to bra and panties.

AMY: (sighs) Here we go again!

A spotlight appears from above, illuminating Amy. It's an FBI rescue helecopter! Kristovo looks out the window!

Below the tanker is coming to a halt, only inches from the iceberg. The sailors stream out onto the deck and cheer.

Amy bows.

Helen opens a file folder, and removes a piece of paper. She approaches Evil Tom.

HELEN: Tom, do you know where your parents' fortune came from?

EVIL TOM: I don't see...

"DEATH" STAR: Objection!

JUDGE LI: Overruled. Answer the question.

HELEN: I have an income tax form that your father had to release during his unsuccessful run for governor. I can see that he has a substantial yearly income!

EVIL TOM: Yes?

This is his Schedule "C". Can you read, for the record, what your father does for his living?

Helen hands Tom a sheet of paper. Tom reads.

EVIL TOM: (barely audible) "Destroys towns with volcanoes"

HELEN: Louder!

EVIL TOM: DESTROYS TOWNS WITH VOLCANOES!!! Hey. I'm not responsible for what my father does!

HELEN: Indeed. Do you work for your Father?

EVIL TOM: Yes. Sometimes. But I didn't know about this!

HELEN: Really?

She takes a small wooden plaque from behind her back. She hands it to Tom

HELEN: Please read that.

EVIL TOM: Employee of the month Tom Sloan! Employee who best exemplifies this company, and materially contributes to its goal of wanton destruction and world domination...

Tom jumps up from the stand.

EVIL TOM: This is all circumstantial evidence.

HELEN: Would you say you were evil, Tom?

EVIL TOM: Evil! Me? Evil? Muuuuhhaaaaaaaa! EVIL! Muuunnnhahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!! No way!

But Tom is rubbing his hands together and cackling. Red light comes from his eyes. The courtroom fills with the smoke and brimstone. Judge Li motions to the uniformed offices to take him away. Tom sees them closing in on both sides. He reaches into a pocket, takes something out, and throws in on the floor. A smoke pellet! A cloud of smoke appears, hiding him. A gun fires, sending a rope and grappling hook through the skylight of the courtroom. Tom is pulled away, still laughing...

EVIL TOM: Muuuuhahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Tom has left the building. People arrive to clean up the broken glass. Helen looks at Daria for her reaction. Daria sits passively. Finally, Jane nudges her, and holds out her hand.

JANE: Told you. You owe me forty samolians!

Daria sighs, and pays up.

Amy is being hauled onboard the FBI rescue helicopter. She is in a rescue basket, wrapped in blankets. Kristovo pulls her onboard. Her skin is blue.

AMY: Mom! What's happening with mom!

"Death" Starr stands in the courtroom.

"DEATH" STAR: I'm all for just skipping this trial, and getting on with the hanging! Who's with me!

A few people cheer, but Starr seems to have lost the support he had for idea earlier. Suddenly, a man bursts into the courtroom. He walks over to Starr, and hands him a envelope. Starr opens it.

Starr looks at the paper, and screams!

"DEATH" STAR: WooHoo! I'm out of here!

The female prosecutor runs over to him. She still has goo in her hair.

FEMALE PROSECUTOR: The case! We have to finish the case!

"DEATH" STAR: You finish it!

"Death" Starr throws off his robe, revealing that he only wears boxer shorts under his robe, too. The runs from the courtroom. All eyes fall on the other prosecutor. She looks at Helen, who makes a "come on" gesture with her hand.The prosecutor swallows. Then she speaks.

FEMALE PROSECUTOR: The prosecution wishes to drop all charges against Ruth Barksdale! The charges are completely unfounded, and derived entirely from innuendo and hearsay!

JUDGE LI: WHAT! Are you saying that you besmirched this good woman's name, threw away millions of dollars in investigation and wasted this courts time! What have you to say to that!

FEMALE PROSECUTOR: Sorry?

JUDGE LI: Apology accepted! Case dismissed!

The crowd cheers! Ruth is picked up by an exuberant crowd! Everyone is estatic, except the "Hangin' Ruth" vendors, who are dumping their wares into garbage cans. Helen and Rita look at each other. Rita removes her flamethrower. The two women hug.

A close up of Amy's face. She is groaning with ecstasy!

AMY: Oh, Kristovo! Yes! Yes! Oh, that feels so good!!

Pan back. Amy is on the sofa in the Barksdale's living room, wrapped in blankets. Kristovo is lowering her feet into a pan of hot water. Surrounding her are Ruth, Andrea and Helen. Amy shakes.

RUTH: Well, Amy. You should know better than to run around like that in the cold! You should have worn earmuffs!

KRISTOVO: She was! That's all she had on by the time we got to her! But Amy, you're lucky you didn't get frostbite.

AMY: What's a few toes, if you can save the earth from ecological disaster!

RUTH: You won't lose any toes. Dr. Swenson says that you are healing remarkably well. He said you have strong bones and teeth!

AMY: That's because I drink milk!

Amy holds up a glass! Andrea is standing near a potted plant. With one foot, she pushes a bottle of vodka behind it. She holds up her glass of milk.

ANDREA: So do I! Milk! It does a body good!

The doorbell rings. Ruth opens it.

RUTH: Helen! It's that nice man, Aaron!

HELEN: Aaron! Thank God, you're out of jail! But why?

AARON: I had too, Helen. I learned that a college buddy was doing some time for embezzlement in the federal jug! He is one of the alumni members of the Pepperdyne College Board!

HELEN: Pepperdyne? The law school?

AARON: Yes! I remembered that Starr had been offered the position of dean of Pepperdyne, a job he really wanted. But political pressure forced him to decline. I saw to it the job was offered to him again!

HELEN: But how did you...

AARON: You don't want to know the details, Helen. Lets just say that deals made in prison usually are deals of the flesh. (he smiles) Like the deal we made. Remember?

Helen gulps.

HELEN: Yes. I do.

Aaron takes her by the arms.

AARON: I'm here to collect!

HELEN: Very well... Rita! Your "date" is here!

Rita runs downstairs in a red party dress! Aaron takes a hip flask out of his pocket, and takes a swig.

AARON: (to himself) Ah, a cheap date! (to everyone) Well goodnight, everyone! Come on, Rita!

Aaron leaves. Rita turns to Helen.

RITA: Oh, thank you! A date with a lawyer!

Rita runs out the door. Helen closes it behind her.

HELEN: You won't thank me when he's got you alone in the car. Wait until he pulls that "old lawyer never die, they just lose their briefs" line on you!

Everybody looks at Helen, obiously wondering how she came to possess that tidbit of information. Helne clears her throat.

RUTH: This is wonderful! Everybody got something they wanted out of this! Helen! You've been made a full partner of your firm! And I've restored your trophies to your old room!

A quick view of Helens room. The damaged trophies that Amy and Andrea threw out the window in "A.A. AOK" have been duct taped back together, and are on display. Back to the living room.

HELEN: (smiles) Yes! And I understand the true meaning of the Law!

RUTH: I'm free, and Amy has modified the "Happy Dough" recipe so it won't explode in the future!

AMY: I gave the original formula to the U.S. Army! Only the goverment can be trusted with such awesome power!

RUTH: (not sure about that anymore) Ah, yea...

KRISTOVO: And I have a pet!

He whistles, and one of the sled dogs appears. He rubs its head.

ANDREA: Even I got something out of all of this!

A shot of Andrea's room. The medieval torture rack has somehow found its way there. Cut back to the living room.

ANDREA: (to herself) I wonder if Ryan is around.

AMY: You're right! Everyone is happy!

ANDREA: Well, maybe not everyone...

The scene changes to a campus setting on a bench in a hallway sit two college boys. One the door by the bench is a door marked "Kenneth Starr, Dean". One boy, who looks like Artie from the "Lawndale Files" is speaking.

ARTIE: So I had to fly up to meet my mother, and I completely forgot about my exams. So I'm going to go into Dean Starr's office, and apologize, and ask for another chance.

SECOND BOY: That's what the boy who's in there now said he was going to do.

The door opens. A boy appears, holding his throat, and gagging. "Death" Starr stands behind him. The boy collapes on the floor.

"DEATH" STAR: Apology accepted!

Starr turns towards Artie. He extends his hand.

"DEATH" STAR: Next!

The End.