[TV Guide synopsis: Rita decideds to become a bartender as a way of combatting her alcoholism and Amy joins her as a waitress. Meanwhile, the Bake Sale decides to reach out to the community - through a secret ad campaign from a weird ad agency. Some other people do some minor stuff not important enough to get into TV Guide. Hockey legend Gordie Howe guest stars as himself.]

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (A lazy late Saturday afternoon at the Barksdale residence)

(Amy and Rita are sitting on the couch watching television)

RITA: Gawd, Saturday's are so boring when you're not plastered.

AMY: And you're not getting plastered, either.

RITA: You are so not fun! Why do you have to watch everything that I do, anyway? I don't need a guardian angel.

AMY: You do, to keep you away from (makes a "drinking" motion).

RITA: What am I supposed to do?

AMY: Watch TV.

(Cut to the television, to show that they are watching old Seinfeld reruns.)

JERRY: You're an idiot.

GEORGE: No I'm not. It was a perfectly valid scam!

JERRY: But it didn't work. (laugh track)

(Kramer bursts in)

KRAMER: Whoooooaaaaaa, Jerry... (louder, more raucous, laugh track)

(Cut back to Amy and Rita - Rita is giggling)

AMY: This used to be funnier.

RITA: (not really listening to Amy) That Kramer, he is such a pip.

(Ruth walks in from the kitchen)

RUTH: Hey, girls.

AMY/RITA: Hi, Mom.

RUTH: I've been thinking, (Bt) we've had a lot of loyal customers at the bakery, but I think we need to try to expand our share of the Rutherford baked goods market.

AMY: Mom, what exactly do you mean?

RUTH: I think we need to launch some sort of advertising campaign for the bakery.

AMY: Oh...

RUTH: What did you think I meant?

AMY: (bored; deadpan) I was thinking something a little more sinister, (Bt) like sabotaging competitors or maybe a little bit of covert espionage.

RUTH: Oh, Amy, stop thinking like a secret agent, you're in the bakery business now.

AMY: Don't remind me.

RITA: I say you should make her vice president of marketing, so she'll get off my back.

RUTH: Rita, honey, your sister is doing you a great service by keeping an eye on you and keeping you away from that alcohol. You should be thankful that's she's willing to help you like that.

RITA: (sarcastic) Thank you, Amy.

(Andrea appears from another room, she looks like she's ready to leave)

ANDREA: (to Amy) Hey Mom. I'm going out for a while. I'll be back later.

AMY: Where are you going?

ANDREA: Don't know yet.

AMY: When will you be back?

ANDREA: Don't stay up.

AMY: Well make sure you have a lot of fun.

ANDREA: See you all tomorrow.

RITA: (stands up) Hey, no fair! (to Ruth) Make her (points at Amy) make her (points at Andrea) stay home!

RUTH: (shrugs) She's not my kid. (Ruth leaves)

AMY: Go ahead Andrea, don't listen to your aunt. (to Rita) If you behave, I'll take you out later.

RITA: But she drinks too!

AMY: Rita!

RITA: Fine!

(The camera follows Andrea out the door.)

(cut to:)

(Andrea walks toward Kristovo's house, he's out in the front yard walking around taking a look at everything)

ANDREA: (stops to talk to him) Hey, Dad. (chuckles)

KRISTOVO: Dad? I'm not your father.

ANDREA: It's just a joke. What are you up to?

KRISTOVO: Not much, (Bt) may I ask you a question?

ANDREA: Sure, as long as it has nothing to do with who lives in the same house as I do.

KRISTOVO: OK. (Bt) See those little brown clumps on the ground there?

ANDREA: Yep.

KRISTOVO: Do you know what they are and where they come from?

ANDREA: (looks, scratches chin) Yeah, those things. Hmmm, (Bt) they're usually the first sign that aliens are going to come to abduct you.

KRISTOVO: Is that a joke?

ANDREA: Maybe. (she continues walking as he stands there scratching his head)

(cut to:)

(Amy and Rita are still watching TV; Amy is starting to yawn loudly and looks like she's about to fall asleep.)

(After a couple of moments of yawning, Amy falls asleep. Realizing that no one is watching her, Rita seizes the opportunity to try to make an escape. She picks up her pocketbook and slowly heads for the front door with her eyes fixed on Amy. She gets to about five feet from the exit when she trips over a small table that had a vase on it - the vase falls to the ground, with Rita, and breaks with a loud crashing sound. The sound awakens Amy.)

RITA: Damn!

AMY: What's going on? (Bt) Rita?

RITA: Stupid vase! Why did you have to get in my way?!

AMY: You aren't trying to sneak out, are you?

RITA: Not anymore!

(Amy is now at the "crash" site and helps Rita to her feet.)

AMY: C'mon, let's clean this up.

RITA: Fine, but I've behaved myself, can we please go out now?

AMY: (trying to say "no") Well...

RITA: You promised!

AMY: Did I?

RITA: Yes you did, and I taped it.

(Rita produces a tape recorder and presses the "play" button.)

AMY'S VOICE: ...If you behave, I'll take you out later....

AMY: (sigh) All right, let's go.

(Cut to about five minutes later. Amy and Rita have both gotten in Amy's car and are heading out for a night on the town. Rita has turned up the volume on the car's stereo and put on some weird electronic music.)

RITA: (dancing as much as one can inside a car; yelling) This music is awesome.

(Amy turns down the volume.)

RITA: Hey! I was listening to that!

AMY: It's my car and I don't like that crap. I want to talk to you, anyway. (Bt) I was talking to Mom and we agreed that you need to take on some more responsibility to help your recovery.

RITA: Huh?

AMY: We think it would be a good idea if you got another job.

RITA: Buh?

AMY: Mostly as a way to distract you from the possibility of drinking when you're not at the bakery.

RITA: Juh?

AMY: And you can use the extra money, considering all of those gambling debts you've racked up.

RITA: Snuh?

AMY: Will you stop that!

RITA: (snickers) Wuh?

AMY: Come on, I'm serious.

RITA: I don't need another job. I work hard enough as it is at the bakery....

AMY: (interrupts; snippy) If you call talking on the phone all day to your old drinking buddies "hard work."

RITA: ... Not to mention all the time I spend leading the county church's sobriety program.

AMY: But you do need something to distract at the times you're not volunteering, like right now (under breath) so I don't have to chaperone you around town.

RITA: You can't force me to take on another job. I mean, what can you do about it?

AMY: I'll kick your lazy ass out of the house.

RITA: You wouldn't!

AMY: Oh yes I would, and I can.

RITA: Can I at least pick what kind of job I get?

AMY: I don't see why not.

RITA: Then I want to be a bartender.

AMY: Rita! You're an alcoholic!

RITA: So! Who knows better than I do how to mix drinks? And who better to spot potential alcoholics than a reformed alcoholic? (Bt; mater of factly) Lord knows, I know exactly what to look for.

AMY: But you just stopped drinking.

RITA: (squints) And I should stare my demons directly in the eyes.

AMY: (ponders) Hey, it isn't such a bad idea.

(They almost pass a local watering hole, called The Breast Plate Pub, when Rita notices a "help wanted" sign in its window.)

RITA: Stop the car! This place needs me.

(Amy pulls over to park.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (The interior of The Breast Plate Pub)

(Andrea is sitting at the bar next to a blond girl, who is dressed in a similar goth style. They are both talking to Jimmy, who is the owner/operator of the pub. He is short and balding, sort of like a much bigger version of the "mini-me" guy. He wears a gruff expression as he wipes a glass. There are also various other pub crawlers milling around, doing typical pub things like playing billiards, etc.)

ANDREA: (slightly drunken) ...so then this guy walks up to our table and says to me, "I can't believe you've held down all of those shots this long. How do you do it?" Before I got a chance to say anything, I barfed all over him. (she starts to laugh loudly)

BLOND GIRL: No way! I can't believe that happened!

ANDREA: Yes it did, Melissa. (Bt) I was there.

JIMMY: (he has a deep voice; points a finger at Andrea) You better not pull anything like that around here, young lady. I'd hate to have to replace my favorite apron.

ANDREA: (more drunk-talk) Oh, I'd never do that to ya, Jimmy. You are way to good to me.

(Amy and Rita have finally made it into the bar - they must have parked a couple of blocks away - and Andrea spots them immediately and turns her back to them. Their presence has a very sobering affect on her.)

MELISSA: What's wrong 'Dre?

ANDREA: See those two women that just walked in.

MELISSA: Yeah.

ANDREA: Well, the brunette...

JIMMY: (interrupts) Oh yeah, she's a fox!

ANDREA: ... is my Mom and the blond is her sister.

MELISSA: She doesn't look old enough to be your mother.

ANDREA: She's not my biological mother. (Bt) It's a long story...

(Melissa and Jimmy but their elbows on the bar in anticipation of the story.)

ANDREA: ...for another time! I hope she doesn't spot me.

MELISSA: They are coming right toward us.

JIMMY: You gotta loosen up, what will she do if she sees you?

ANDREA: I'll have to listen to another long lecture about keeping myself out of trouble.

JIMMY: That's not so bad.

ANDREA: But she used to be a cop or something - so you could get in trouble for serving me!

JIMMY: OK, she won't be bothering you.

(As luck would have it, there are two empty bar stools right next to Andrea - Rita takes the one right next to Andrea and Amy sits next to Rita, Andrea still has her back turned to the both of them.)

JIMMY: Hello ladies, my name is James and I'll be taking care of you tonight. Can I get you anything to drink?

RITA: I'll have a martini.

AMY: No you won't! (to Jimmy) We'll each have an iced tea.

ANDREA: (cough) No fun (cough).

RITA: Did you hear that?

AMY: Hear what.

RITA: Nothing.

(Rita looks over and gets suspicious, but can't quite figure out why, since it's dark in the bar. Amy is oblivious to Rita's suspicion, as Jimmy comes back with their beverages.)

JIMMY: (gives glass to Rita) One for you (gives other one to Amy; lustily) and one for you. (still to Amy) You know, we don't get many women as beautiful as you in here.

MELISSA: (from off screen) Hey!

RITA: You wouldn't say that if you saw Amy with her old nose.

AMY: Rita! James is just being polite. Right?

JIMMY: Oh, yeah. Let me know if you there's anything else I can do for you.

AMY: Actually, (Bt) Rita?

RITA: (stirring tea) What?

AMY: Ask about getting a J O B.

RITA: Why don't you?

AMY: What my sister means to say, is that she's interested in getting a side job as a bartender.

(Andrea laughs loudly at the suggestion and Rita takes another look in her direction when she finally figures out something.)

RITA: (tugs at Amy's shirt) Amy, that laugh sounded really familiar. I think...

(Andrea feels the heat and scurries toward a propped open emergency exit in the back of the bar, Melissa follows her.)

AMY: Not now, I'm negotiating. (Bt; to Jimmy) So what do you say, can she have a chance?

JIMMY: Sure, fine. but only if you give it a shot too - you look like you could do a good job.

AMY: Really. Why?

JIMMY: You look like the type that's good at shaking things up

AMY: Awww. (Rita makes a gagging motion and rolls her eyes.)

JIMMY: You two should come by Monday afternoon, before the bar opens, so I can see what you're made of.

AMY: Sure, sounds good, right Rita?

RITA: Whatever.

AMY: Did you have something to tell me.

RITA: Well, I saw... (Bt) Never mind.

(cut to:)

SCENE 5 (The streets of Rutherford)

(Andrea and Melissa are walking down a fairly well lit street after leaving the bar, presumably they are heading home.)

MELISSA: So, what's your Mom like?

ANDREA: She's hard to describe. Let's just say she thinks she's stable, but really isn't.

MELISSA: OK.

ANDREA: I can't believe they went out tonight. (Bt) And of all the places they could go. (Bt) And Rita - a bartender?

MELISSA: What's wrong with that, she seemed responsible.

ANDREA: You've obviously never met her. (Bt) And she's an alcoholic, I can't believe Amy would go along with that.

MELISSA: Amy?

ANDREA: That's my Mom's name. I don't always call her Mom.

MELISSA: (now she's really confused) Oh.

ANDREA: I guess I shouldn't worry about it, it's not really my problem, yet. Even if Rita's a bartender, she'll let us drink. Anyway, the night wasn't a total bust, I did meet you at Jimmy's and you're cool to hang with. You seem to share many of my slacker tendencies. (Bt; embarrased) What's your name again?

MELISSA: Melissa, I think. (Bt; sounding very high) We should hang out with you're family more, they seem pretty cool.

ANDREA: (shakes head) You should really lay off the weed.

(cut to:)

SCENE 6 (At the Bake Sale)

(Ruth is standing at the counter taking care of a customer, she rings up the purchase.)

RUTH: (as the customer leaves) ...thank you for shopping here, enjoy your happy dough. (The customer waves.)

(Amy comes out of the back of the store.)

AMY: How's business going today?

RUTH: Usual Monday, everyone is too asleep from the weekend to worry about getting quality baked goods. (Bt) At least it'll give me time to start on that ad campaign we had planned.

AMY: That's great. (Bt) Any ideas yet?

RUTH: No, but I had someone recommend an ad agency. (she hands Amy a note) Have you heard of them?

AMY: (looks down at note) H. M. D. T. and Assoc. (Bt) Doesn't ring a bell.

RUTH: Well, at least it's a start.

AMY: Yeah, (Bt) Mom as soon as I can get Rita off the phone, we're going to over to the Breast Plate for our bartender audition.

RUTH: Are you sure this is a good idea?

AMY: Yeah, she needs to fight her demons, not avoid them.

RUTH: That sounds like a load of bull to me.

AMY: If she can cope with being in a bar and not succumbing to temptation, she'll be home free.

RUTH: I guess that's true, but it is still too soon.

AMY: (sort of annoyed) I'll keep an eye on her.

(Rita joins Amy and Ruth at the counter.)

AMY: Are you ready to go?

RITA: I guess. Thanks for letting me do this Mom. It really means a lot to me that you trust me.

RUTH: You're welcomed, now don't betray that trust - you've got to keep right on earning it.

RITA: I know, (to Amy; sassy) let's go mix some drinks (Rita starts toward the front door)

RUTH: (quietly; to Amy who lags some distance behind Rita) Don't give her a chance to betray anything or I'll hold you responsible. (loudly) Be careful, Rita.

(Amy shakes her head and rolls her eyes, fortunately for her, Ruth has already turned her attention to her address book.)

RUTH: Well, I guess it's time to get this ball rolling. (she picks up the phone and begins dialing) H M D T, (Bt) I wonder what that stands for. (the phone rings a few times before it is answered)

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) Howe, Mech, Du-ewe, Truhstus...

RUTH: I don't know, I hardly know any of you.

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) ...and Associates, Ad Agency. How can I help you?

RUTH: Oh, I thought I had the wrong number there for a second. (Bt) Yeah, I'm looking to start an ad campaign for my business.

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) What kind of business is it and what is your current mode of advertisement?

RUTH: It's a bakery, and most of our new business comes from word of mouth.

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) A bakery? By any chance is that the Bake Sale?

RUTH: Why, yes it is.

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) Just let me say that you guys are the best. Whenever I need some cookies, I always get them at your place. You guys don't need to advertise.

RUTH: Well, thank you, but we're going to try to expand our business by getting our name out there even more. A lot of people don't know about us and we want them to before we consider opening up more locations. We want to corner that market even more.

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) Oh.

RUTH: And some of our most loyal customers are staring to get up there in years. We want to replace them.

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) Oh, I understand. I'll need to set up a time for you to meet with associates. (Bt) How is Tuesday afternoon?

RUTH: (looks at her date book) That'll be fine.

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) OK, and can I leave an order?

RUTH: (smugly) Of course.

(cut to:)

SCENE 7 (Outside the Breast Plate Pub)

(Under the bright early afternoon sun, Rita and Amy walk up to the front door of the pub. Rita is about to knock on the door, when she hesitates and looks at Amy.)

RITA: Oooh, I am so nervous. (Bt) What if I'm not good enough? (Bt) What if he thinks you are better?

AMY: Will you relax already! You definitely know your way around a bar - and don't worry about me, (Bt) this isn't a competition!

RITA: I dunno. Maybe I don't really want to be a bartender after all.

AMY: (surprised) Huh?

RITA: Maybe you were right. This probably isn't the best place for me to be.

AMY: (annoyed) Then where is the best place? (waving her hands) What are you going to do?

RITA: I could always put some time in to looking for a more respectable job (Bt) or I could go back to school. That's sorta like work. Isn't it?

AMY: You don't really think that's a good idea. Remember what school was like for you?

(Cut to a short flashback. A school bell rings as a much younger Rita walks out of a classroom with a dazed and confused expression. She's carrying a load of disheveled books and papers.)

YOUNGER RITA: I think that was English, but I didn't understand a word of it.

(Dissolve back to the present.)

RITA: OK, you're right, maybe I can go to beauty school. That can't be that hard.

AMY: Whatever, just worry about it later. You brought me all the way down here, and the least we are going to do is go inside.

RITA: Fine. (she goes to knock)

(A car driving by slows down and honks its horn. Some guy rolls down the window and starts to yell.)

SOME GUY: Hey Rita, (Bt) what's happening!

(Rita waves reluctantly.)

SOME GUY: Hey, isn't a little early to be drinking, (Bt) even for you?!

(Rita scowls at him and starts to violently knock on the door, as Amy lets out an audible chuckle.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 8 (Kristovo's back yard, minutes later)

(Kristovo is setting up a series of traps in his back yard that consist of a cage and bait in the form of a piece of lettuce. Andrea and Melissa, each with a can of beer, walk out of the Barksdale residence into their back yard/patio area. Andrea sees Kristovo and walks up to the wooden fence that separates the two yards. Melissa follows.)

ANDREA: Hey Kris!

KRISTOVO: (surprised) Oh, hello (Bt; puzzled) Shouldn't you both be in school?

ANDREA/MELISSA: No!

KRISTOVO: Oh, (Bt) well, I found out from our other neighbors what that stuff in my yard was - it wasn't aliens.

ANDREA: You actually believed th... I mean, really?

KRISTOVO: Apparently, the canines of the neighborhood were using my yard as a latrine. (Bt) Damn dogs, I'm glad we don't have them where I'm from.

ANDREA: Where are you from anyway?

KRISTOVO: (ignoring her) And before I could even try to think of a way to stop that, the creatures in this town are now also attacking from the rear.

MELISSA: (makes a face) Ouch!

KRISTOVO: These little rabbits were out here eating all of the vegetables I planted.

ANDREA: (pointing to one of the cages) And that one piece of lettuce is going to pry them away?

KRISTOVO: I'm afraid of them - haven't you ever seen Bugs Bunny? If these bunnies are even half as smart, I will have trouble!

(Andrea shakes her head as Melissa stares at Kristovo with a "yeah, those things are fierce" expression.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 9 (The interior of the pub)

(Jimmy leads Amy and Rita behind the bar and gives them both an apron.)

JIMMY: I didn't really expect you girls to show up, but (as he puts him arm around Amy) I'm glad you did.

AMY: (politely, but forcefully removes Jimmy's arm) Those of us that don't live in gutters usually keep appointments.

RITA: (finished putting apron on; excited) Ready to go!

(Jimmy doesn't respond to her because he is staring at Amy who has crossed her arms in an annoyed way and shoots an angry glare at Jimmy.)

RITA: (snaps her fingers in his face) Hey! (Bt) We're here to try to get a job, not to be ogled (under breath) or ignored.

JIMMY: (wakes up) OK, have either of you ever been behind a bar before?

RITA: (ponders) I'm sure I have. (Bt) I just don't really remember it too clearly.

JIMMY: There are really just two basics; (put a finger in the air) one, remember where everything is and, (puts two fingers in the air) two, remember to get the money.

AMY: (sarcastic) That sounds complicated.

JIMMY: Oh, it is. (directly to Amy) A beautiful girl like yourself that can master the basics can get a long way in this business.

AMY: (getting angrier) You know, I don't even want to work here. (Bt; cut to a close-up of Rita, who is gritting her teeth and shaking her head) I'm just here so you'll give my sister a chance!

JIMMY: Well then maybe you should both leave.

RITA: (throws arms in the air) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

END OF ACT ONE

--COMMERCIALS--

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Continuation of Act One, Scene 9)

(Rita has taken Amy by the arm and they both walk a couple of feet away from Jimmy, far enough that he can't really hear what they're saying.)

RITA: We are not just going to leave without trying.

AMY: Bur Rita, I'm being harassed. I can't let him get away with that!

RITA: (angered and sort of teary-eyed) I don't care! You're here to help me, remember. (Bt) You keep going on about how irresponsible I am, and how I would never amount to anything more than a pathetic boozer. (points her hands toward her body) Then, I work my ass off to get clean and you barely care. (Bt; Amy gets a "Huh, what are you talking about?" look on her face.) Now, you try to force me to get a job, and you make it so difficult for me when I pick something that wasn't your idea. There seems to be no way to please you, and you're supposed to be supporting me!

AMY: I am supporting you, or I wouldn't even be here! It's just that I'm getting less and less comfortable with this place every second we're here.

RITA: You really think it's comfortable for me? (Bt) I'm the one who wants to be here and (points at Jimmy) that creep is almost slobbering all over you while ignoring me completely. (Bt) Just give this a chance.

AMY: But...

RITA: If it doesn't work out, I'll try one of those other ideas I just had.

AMY: Fine! (Jimmy comes over and taps Amy on the shoulder.) WHAT?!

JIMMY: Are you ready to shake things up? (He sways back and forth as he says that last part.)

AMY: That's it! (she grabs Jimmy by the shoulders) I want you to listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once!

JIMMY: (smugly) OK.

AMY: I'm flattered that you think I'm attractive, but I'm not here for that and I'm not interested in you!

RITA: Go Amy!

AMY: (puts a finger in Jimmy's face) The only reason I'm here is to help my sister, who, for reasons that are beyond my comprehension,...

RITA: Hey!

AMY: ...wants to work in this urine soaked hell hole.

JIMMY: (fake outrage) For your information, it is no longer urine soaked.

AMY: Whatever, (Bt) so stop hitting on me and give us some sort of meaningful tryout.

JIMMY: (still smug) Alright, sugar lips.

RITA: (shakes head) Sugar lips?

AMY: Weren't you listening?!

JIMMY: Yeah, but I don't usually take orders from chicks, (Bt) unless they want a beer. (He chuckles at his joke.)

AMY: You better get used to it, one more slip up, while we are here, and I'll kick you back to the stone ages!

JIMMY: (fake fear) Oooh, I'm so scared!

AMY: Don't think I can't! Rita?

RITA: It's true, I've seen her seriously injure guys who are much bigger and strong than you'll ever be.

AMY: So, start imparting those pearls of wisdom trapped in that pea brain of yours and then decide if you want to hire us.

JIMMY: Fine!

(cut to:)

SCENE 2 (Back to the backyards)

(Andrea is still shaking her head and standing at the fence. Some time has obviously passed, since Melissa is now sitting at the table of the nearby patio furniture - with an excess of empty beer cans in front of her. Kristovo is milling around his yard, fiddling with his cages as Andrea snaps out of her headshake. Cut to each character as they talk - we can see Melissa behind Andrea as she talks.)

ANDREA: (yelling) Kristovo, you realize that Bugs Bunny is a cartoon.

KRISTOVO: Cartoon?

ANDREA: Yeah, a series of drawings used to create the illusion of reality.

(At this point, Melissa starts belching loudly in the background.)

MELISSA: (in the background) Burp!

KRISTOVO: Wow! (Bt) I don't understand.

ANDREA: Bugs is just a character, he's not real, (Bt) and there are no real bunnies anywhere that are like him. He isn't even a guy in a rabbit suit.

MELISSA: (in the background) Uhhhurp!

KRISTOVO: Really? The show I saw was very convincing.

ANDREA: Do you really think that a duck could get shat that many times without any lasting injuries?

MELISSA: (in the background) Aaaahrppp!

KRISTOVO: I guess not. (Bt) I keep learning new things about America everyday. And I thought I could trust TV.

ANDREA: And your supposed to be smart, (under breathe) I could probably take over your country in about five minutes.

MELISSA: (in the background) Ooooooohhuhh!

ANDREA: What's that sound?

(Cut to a wide shot as Kristovo points toward the patio.)

KRISTOVO: I think it's your friend.

ANDREA: (turns to face the patio) Oh sh... (Bt) Melissa! (to Kristovo) She must have found the rest of the beer. (Yells toward Melissa) How did you find that? (to Kristovo) This is why I usually try to keep a close eye on her when she's here.

(Andrea runs over to the table as we hear the sound of a car pulling up to the house - it seems that Ruth is home from the Bake Sale a little early.)

MELISSA: Arrrrgh!

(From Andrea's vantage point, she can clearly see Ruth getting out of the car and walk toward the back of the house after hearing that last belch.)

ANDREA: Jeez, Dammit! Of all the days she could come home early. (Bt; to Melissa) Of all the days you could find my beer stash. (yells to Kristovo) Can you keep her occupied for a while.

KRISTOVO: (yells back) Sure.

(Ruth almost walks past where Kristovo is standing before he stops her.)

KRISTOVO: Hello, Mrs. Barksdale.

(She turns her attention to him to say hello, in the background we can see Andrea frantically trying to get rid of the empty beer cans by throwing them into another neighbor's yard.)

RUTH: Oh, hello Kristovo. (Bt) What's the commotion back here all about?

KRISTOVO: Uhh (Bt) Um, Bugs Bunny?

RUTH: Bugs Bunny?

ANDREA: (walking up behind Ruth) Hey grandma, you're home early. Heh heh.

RUTH: (glares a distrustful look as they both walk back to the patio area) Wait a second, I smell beer.

ANDREA: No you don't.

RUTH: Yes, I do.

ANDREA: Must be the neighbors, (Bt; suddenly upbeat) Hey have you met my friend Melissa?

(Ruth offers to shake Melissa's hand.)

RUTH: Nice to meet you Meli...

MELISSA: (interrupts; singing) I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is... (falls asleep).

ANDREA: Heh heh (Pause) Oh.

(Ruth just stands there with her arms crossed.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 3 (Back to bartender tryouts)

(Jimmy, Amy and Rita are all around one of the bar's taps, Jimmy then fills a glass with some suds perfectly, without any spillage.)

JIMMY: (puts the mug on the bar) Voila! (gives an empty glass to Amy)

(Amy tries, and severely overflows the glass.)

AMY: Dammit!

JIMMY: It's OK, pour it out and try it again

AMY: That's OK.

RITA: Pour it out? Isn't that expensive?

JIMMY: Oh, that's the practice tap, (Bt) there's no beer in there, it's just foamy water with beer like consistency. It's good for practice.

AMY: What's in the foam exactly?

JIMMY: Well, uh, I don't know exactly what's in it.

(Cut to a view of the outside of the bar, pan back to show a large factory with a sign that says "Water Purification Plant" behind the pub. A large pipe from the plant, itself labeled "Waste Product" seems to run directly to the back of the pub. Cut back inside.)

JIMMY: (to Rita) It's your turn, blondy

(Rita takes the empty glass and fills it perfectly, just as Jimmy did. He looks impressed.)

RITA: (puts mug on the bar) There you go, one "foamy water."

JIMMY: Wow, your a natural, kid.

RITA: Awesome.

(Cut to some time later, now Jimmy is on the outside of the bar.)

JIMMY: All right, we're almost done with the evaluation. Rita, you're doing wonderful, I never thought a broad could work the bar like that. (Rita smirks as Amy sighs) Amy, you're beautiful. (Bt) Now there's just one final test left. Take one of those plastic bottles and slide it down to the end of the bar.

(Rita goes first and grabs a bottle. She slides it toward the end of the bar and it stops directly in front of the last stool.)

RITA: Boo-ya!

JIMMY: Very good!

(Amy steps up to take her turn and pushes the bottle too hard, it lands on the ground with a thud.)

AMY: Wait, I can do this.

(She takes another bottle and tries again, this time it gets airborne and flies behind the bar.)

AMY: Dammit!

(She tries yet again, but this time the bottle just topples over right in front of her. She gets mad and, unknowingly, picks up a glass bottle and throws it against the wall, shattering it.)

AMY: (to Jimmy) Oops?

JIMMY: It's OK, I've mad up my mind, anyway. Amy, you'd be better off as a waitress and Rita, we don't really need you right now.

AMY/RITA: (jaws drop) What!?!?

JIMMY: (to Amy) Be here at seven tomorrow.

AMY: Oh no, I'm not working here if she doesn't. I quit!

JIMMY: Fine! She can tend bar! (Bt) I was, uh, just kidding, anyway. (Bt) Yeah that's the ticket.

AMY: Yeah right.

RITA: So I'm hired?

JIMMY: Yep.

RITA: (jumps into the air) Woo-hoo!

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (Inside the Barksdale Residence)

(After a long day, everyone is now home and sort of lounging around the house. Andrea and Rita are sitting on a couch, watching TV. Ruth and Amy are seated at a table in an adjacent area of the same room. Ruth is doing some kind of paper work (She's no lounger!), while Amy is reading the newspaper.)

AMY: (trying to make some small talk) Did we get a lot of business at the bakery, Mom?

RUTH: Nah, it was slow.

AMY: Oh.

RUTH: It seems that all the action was going on here today (glares toward Andrea).

AMY: What do you...

RITA: We had a pretty interesting day, too. (sassy) We saw some action.

RUTH: Really, why don't you tell me all about it, Rita?

RITA: OK, as we already told you guys, me and Amy both went to try to get jobs at the Best Mate Club...

ANDREA: That's Breast Plate Pub.

RITA: Whatever, (Bt) anyway, before we even get inside, this guy I met once drove up and started making fun of me...

ANDREA: Was he one of your old "beer goggles boyfriends?"

RITA: Uh (Bt; Amy nods her head as Rita answers) No! (Pause) Now where was I, oh yeah, once we did get inside, that bar guy, Johnny...

ANDREA: That's Jimmy! (she gets an "Oops" look on her face and covers her mouth)

RUTH: (surprised) How do you...

RITA: (not listening) Whatever, he was hitting on Amy the whole time.

AMY: He was harassing me!

RITA: Whatever! Anyway, I kicked Amy's but at all the bartender things, and we both got jobs there, I'll be behind the bar and Amy will be taking drink orders.

AMY: I'm only working there so you can.

RITA: Whatever!

RUTH: Well, good job girls, I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job. (Bt; As Andrea gets up and tries to sneak out of the room) Andrea, I have a question for you?

AMY: Mom, I have a question for you first.

RUTH: But...

AMY: I believe that my attempt to ask a question was interrupted first. (Bt) Let's go to the stenographer.

(We woosh, complete with sound effect, to a geeky guy, wearing glasses and a suit, without a jacket, and suspenders. He's sitting at some kind of typewriter like device. He picks up the "transcript.")

GEEKY GUY: (examining the paper) Mrs. Barksdale, I believe Amy is correct. She tried before Rita started her pointless story, (Bt) you didn't try until the middle of it.

(Woosh back to Amy and Ruth)

AMY: See? (to the camera) Thanks.

GEEKY GUY: (from off screen) Don't mention it.

RUTH: Fine, go ahead. (to Andrea) Don't go anywhere yet.

AMY: What did you mean by "all the action was going on here?"

RUTH: It seems your daughter hasn't learned anything from what her aunt's been through. She had one of her friends here today and the two of them were drinking.

AMY: Andrea, How could you?! What do you have to say for yourself.

ANDREA: I only had one stinkin' beer! Melissa's a lush, I turned my back on her for a minute and she drinks everything in sight! There wasn't anything left for me to drink!

AMY: You know, honey, if you bring company to our house, you're responsible for them. And I also don't like you drinking, you'll have plenty of time for that when you're old enough. (sweetly) Promise not to do it again?

ANDREA: Promise. (Bt) Can I go now?

RUTH: Not so fast, it's my turn now. (Bt) How did you know the name of that pub owner?

ANDREA: Uh, I don't?

RUTH: (to Amy) Is his name Jimmy?

AMY: Yes! Andrea, have you been to that bar?

(Andrea just stands there, completely still.)

AMY: Well?

ANDREA: I'm not going to lie to you (she then runs out of the room).

RITA: Wait a second, she was there the night we went there. (Bt) That was her laugh!

RUTH: So she has been there! Amy you have to keep a closer eye on her. (Sigh) But you can deal with that later, it's not like she was really hurting anyone else.

AMY: Mom...

RUTH: Oh, that reminds me, I would like one of you to go with me tomorrow to the ad agency...

(Rita and Amy look at each other with "Not me" looks.)

RUTH: ...whichever one of you doesn't go, has to look after the bakery.

RITA: I'll go!

AMY: I'll go!

RUTH: Rita volunteered first, she come with me. Amy,...

AMY: I know, (to herself) Damn!

(cut to:)

SCENE 5 (The next day at the Bake Sale)

(Amy is sitting behind the counter, she's looking very bored as a few people browse through the various baked goods on display.)

CUSTOMER #1: (to Amy) Excuse me, Miss, what kind of fillings do you have for your doughnuts?

AMY: (still bored) You can get cream filling, filling made from one of a variety of berries or, my personal favorite, the "filled with pleasure" variety - they are made out of happy dough and are filled with fudge.

CUSTOMER #1: Oooh, I'll take a half dozen of those!

AMY: (gives her the doughnuts) That'll be six dollars and seventy-one cents. (Amy takes the money as the customer exits) Thank you, come again.

(As that customer exits, Jimmy enters the Bake Sale.)

CUSTOMER #2: Yeah, um, can I get some chocolate chip cookies?

AMY: Sure (she sees Jimmy), Oh no!

CUSTOMER #2: "Oh no" what?

AMY: Uh, here are you're cookies (she tosses a bag of cookies at him), it's three dollars.

(He pays for the cookies and then looks in the bag.)

CUSTOMER #2: Hey, these aren't all chocolate chip!

AMY: No refunds! (The customers rolls his eyes and leaves)

(Jimmy has patiently waited in line and is now at the top of the queue.)

JIMMY: There you are! So, this is where you work all day, a store full of sweet baked goods, how appropriate.

AMY: Cut it out.

JIMMY: Though, they can't be as sweet as you.

AMY: (getting angry) What did you come here for?

JIMMY: I wanted to see this bakery I've heard so much about.

AMY: Sure, why did you really come here?

JIMMY: Oh, you got me, (Bt) I wanted to see my most beautiful waitress.

AMY: Remember what I told you at the bar? (Bt) I will break every bone in your scrawny little body if you keep hitting on me.

JIMMY: (flirtatious) That sounds like a threat.

AMY: Just try me.

JIMMY: Feisty! (Bt) You'll succumb to my charm eventually.

AMY: Fat chance! Now buy something or get out of here!

JIMMY: Do you have any old birthday cakes that you're giving away?

AMY: No!

(Amy points to the exit; Jimmy goes, smirking all the way.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 6 (Outside the ad agency building)

(Rita and Ruth walk up to a large office building, Rita looks it up and down and then gets an expression on her face that suggests that she's in awe of the structure, which is over fifteen stories tall. After a couple seconds of gawking, they both move toward the front entrance.)

RITA: Wow! What a beautiful building! They must have a lot of heavy hitting clients to afford a place like this.

RUTH: They are very good, from what I hear, (Bt) but I don't think they own the entire building.

RITA: (confused) They don't?

RUTH: There is room for over a thousand offices in here, they don't need all that space, even if the could afford it....

RITA: Huh.

RUTH: ...They probably share it with a lot of other businesses.

RITA: Now I don't believe you! (Bt) Why would they share a place like this with anyone?!

RUTH: It's not their building!

(During that part of the conversation, they have entered the lobby of the building and are now at the front desk.)

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon. How may I help you?

RUTH: (puts on her reading glasses) Yeah, Howe, Mech, Du-ewe, Truhstus...

RECEPTIONIST: Not much, I've barely even met you.

RUTH: ...and Associates, Ad Agency.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, (Bt) you'd think I would have gotten used to that by now. (Bt) Their main office is in suite seven-eleven.

RITA: Ooh, sounds lucky.

RECEPTIONIST: Just take that elevator to the seventh floor and follow the signs when you get there.

RITA/RUTH: Thanks. (The go to get on the elevator.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 7 (The agency itself)

(Start with an establishing shot from the hallway outside the office. The top half of the door is frosted glass with the name of their agency painted on in red in a sort of circular pattern. Right below the glass portion of the door is a large '711' to signify the office number.)

(Cut to the inside of the office, Rita and Ruth enter a conference room and sit at one end of a long conference table. There are four people at the other end - a young man with glasses and dark, slicked back hair; a middle aged African gentleman, who is wearing some traditional accessories; a young, sassy looking woman with freckles and curly red hair; and, finally, an older man with thinning white hair. The young man gets up and approaches the side of the table Rita and Ruth are on.)

YOUNG MAN: (smoothly) Good afternoon ladies and welcome to H. M. D. T. and Associates. Before we begin, I'd like to make sure you know exactly whom you are dealing with by introducing out team. I am John Muche, and I'll be leading your campaign. (pan to each person as he introduces them) Our resident expert on the foreign perspective, especially Africa, Joe Du-ewe. (Joe smiles tersely) Our newest partner, Jill Truhstus. (Jill waves) And last, but certainly not least, hockey legend Gordie Howe. (Gordie smiles with a twinkle as a quick organ version of "Charge" plays)

RUTH: (excited) The Gordie Howe?!

GORDIE HOWE: Yes, ma'am.

RUTH: You are my favorite hockey player ever.

RITA: (almost whispering) Mom, (Bt) who is Gordie Howe?

RUTH: Haven't you been listening, he was a professional hockey player. He used to hold the record for the most goals ever scored until that Gootzski guy broke it.

GORDIE HOWE: That was Wayne Gretzky.

RITA: Whatever!

RUTH: I'm Ruth Barksdale, owner and operator of the Bake Sale, and this is my daughter Rita. She helps out at the store sometimes.

MUCHE: Good, now that we know who the players are, let's get started.

RUTH: OK.

MUCHE: We'll start by asking you something. (Bt) Why do you want to start a major ad campaign?

RUTH: Well, everyone likes baked goods (they all mumble in agreement), like bread, cake, cookies...

DU-EWE: I like the ones with the chocolate chips. They are good.

RITA: Aren't they? I also like the oatmeal raisin ones.

TRUHSTUS: Boy, it's going to be fun and tasty working with you guys.

RUTH: Anyway, as I was saying, everyone likes what we make, but not everyone knows about us.

MUCHE: Ah, an established business looking to increase its market share. (Bt; he puts his hands in the air) I can see it now, on billboards all across town. Fine, quality baked goods from... (dramatic pause; puts arms down) What's the name of the place again?

RUTH: The Bake Sale.

MUCHE: (hands back in the air for this) ...from the Bake Sale.

RUTH: With all due respect, I could have come up with that on my own.

MUCHE: (rubs hands together) Just give our creative people a chance to come up with some sort of gimmick. (The previously sunny background turns dark and ominous) And then we'll start the plan for domination. Bwhahahahahahahaha. (Cut to a wide shot of the room without the darkness, the rest of the people in the room look at Muche funny and he pauses when he notices) Bwhahahahahahahaha.

END OF ACT TWO

--COMMERCIALS--

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Barksdale residence)

(Amy and Rita are getting ready to leave for their first night of work at the bar. Rita is wearing a white, button down shirt with black jeans and a white apron. She also has her hair pulled back. Amy is decked out in an outfit reminiscent of your average Hooter's girl - overly short orange shorts and a fairly tight white tee shirt with Breast Plate Pub in large letters across her chest. Ruth is there to see them off.)

RUTH: How do you both feel about starting a new job together?

AMY: I feel like a piece of meat.

RITA: I can't wait to get started, I feel like I'm gonna explode!

AMY: (under breath) I swear, all the other waitresses better be wearing the same outfit.

RITA: Other waitresses?

AMY: (snippy) What do you mean "other waitresses?"

RITA: Well, the night when we first went there, did you notice any waitresses walking around?

RUTH: Uh Oh.

AMY: (steamed; her face is turning red) That little rat! I'm going to kill him! I can't believe I didn't notice that!

RITA: (chuckles) Settle down there, tiger.

AMY: (still very angry) What makes him think he can treat me like that! I'm going to pummel him, (Bt; back to a more normal, less angry voice) but first I'm going to get changed. (she goes to do just that)

RITA: (laughs) That was classic, wasn't it Mom?

RUTH: Rita?!

RITA: That whole get up was my idea. I just wanted to get under her skin a little bit and Jimmy was only too eager to go along with it, (Bt) as long as I taped the whole thing. (she produces a previously hidden camera)

RUTH: I have to admit, that is very clever of you, Rita, (Bt) even if it was a little mean.

RITA: True, (Bt) we should get going, don't want to be late for our first night. (Bt) Wish us luck.

RUTH: Good luck.

RITA: Thanks. (to Amy) Hey Amy, are you ready to go yet?

AMY: (from off screen) Give me a minute.

(The camera follows as Ruth walks through the house to the living/dining room area, where Andrea and Melissa are sitting at the table.)

ANDREA: (waving) Hey grandma (Bt) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzuuuuuuuuuuupppp!

MELISSA: Whhhaaaaaaatuuupp!

RUTH: (sarcastic) Cute. (Bt) What are you two doing tonight?

ANDREA: Watching the game, having a... soda?

MELISSA: True.

RUTH: What game?

ANDREA: Actually, we're just gonna hang out and go where the night takes us.

MELISSA: True.

ANDREA: (to Melissa) Will you stop that!

MELISSA: Oh, sorry.

RUTH: Did you ask your mother if that was all right?

ANDREA: Oh, yeah, she said it's all right as long as I don't come home in the back of a police car again.

MELISSA: When did that happen?

ANDREA: You were there, you were just too drunk to remember.

MELISSA: Oh yeah.

RUTH: (doesn't trust them) Well OK, but I'm not going to bail you out of anything, (Bt) you are one your own.

ANDREA: (as Ruth leaves) Perfect. (Bt) Now that obstacle number one is out of the way, time to get a plan for obstacle number two.

MELISSA: Which is?

ANDREA: Going to see Jimmy without my Mom, who works there now, noticing me.

MELISSA: That's not my problem.

ANDREA: It is now.

MELISSA: OK, fine, if you really want my opinion, we should just find another place to drink.

ANDREA: But that's way too easy, there's no challenge or creativity. (Bt) Anyone could have though of that.

MELISSA: Gee, thanks. (Bt) You know that sometimes the simplest solution is also the best.

ANDREA: But it's not always the most fun. I think you should be able to distract my Mom, and Aunt Rita'll so busy that she won't even notice me. Knowing her, she'd probably just let me drink anyway.

MELISSA: Hold up, stop the train, I'm not doing all you dirty work, besides, once I get a few beers in me, (Pause between each of the following words) I ain't too focused.

ANDREA: (annoyed) If you're so smart, what should I do?

MELISSA: Change you're appearance - dress differently, wear shades, maybe dye your hair with stripes.

ANDREA: (dry) That's so crazy, it just might work.

MELISSA: See, I told you I think sometimes

(cut to:)

SCENE 2 (At the pub)

(Starting with a wide shot of the entire pub, the camera gradually makes its way to a semi-close-up of the immediate bar area. It seems to be a fairly slow night, since it's only like Tuesday or Wednesday - I forget. Anywho, as the shot tightens, we can see Amy racing around to some of the customers that are there. When we finally get to the bar, Jimmy and Rita are there attending to their duties.)

RITA: Now, I know this isn't the busiest night I'll ever see, but this is going very smoothly for me, I could hardly believe that bartending could be so easy.

JIMMY: You're a natural, kid.

RITA: Really? (suspicious) You're not just saying that as part of an elaborate plan to get into my sister's pants, are you?

JIMMY: No, you're better than I was on my first night.

RITA: Wow, I actually have a talent.

JIMMY: Keep it up and someday you may be able to start your own place.

RITA: Oooh, that sounds awesome.

JIMMY: As for your sister, she looks great, even though she didn't wear that outfit we tried to get her to, but...

RITA: That reminds me, I have a video tape for you.

JIMMY: (he lets out a slow deep belly laugh before continuing his thought) ...but, she's having a tough time of it.

(Amy rushes up to the bar.)

AMY: (faux English accent; points to the left) Rita, those guys want a round of beers and your phone number; (points to center) those guys want some vodka and my phone number, which is a mistake they'll never make again; and, those guys (points to the right) want pina coladas and Jimmy's phone number.

JIMMY: (sort of uncomfortably) Heh heh, tell them they've got the wrong bar.

RITA: I don't know, I don't see a whole lot of girls in here.

JIMMY: (defensive) Well, it's not ladies night.

RITA: Is it ever?

AMY: (faux English accent; to Jimmy) It serves you right, James, since you can be an obnoxious, chauvinistic pig.

JIMMY: Hey, I resemble that remark. (Bt) Wait a sec, what d'you mean?

AMY: (faux English accent) For starters, you've been coming on to me since you've laid eyes on me, then you tried to get me to wear that absolutely degrading uniform.

(Rita, who has been working toward filling those orders, starts to laugh, but sort of contains herself.)

AMY: (faux English accent) What is so funny, Woody, I mean Carla, I mean Rita!?

RITA: Oh nothing, Diane.

AMY: (faux English accent) Well, are you done yet, the patrons are starting to sober up.

RITA: (finishing up) Here you go (Amy takes the tray and starts on her way) Don't trip!

AMY: (faux English accent) Funny. (she's gone out of earshot)

JIMMY: When did this place turn into "Cheers," anyway?

RITA: Ya know, Jim, I just realized yet another thing I love about this job, (Bt) it's the power I get to have over my "thinks she's superior to me in every way" sister.

JIMMY: (coyly) Any way I can borrow some of that power.

RITA: (kidding) Oh, Jimmy, you're just proving her point.

(Suddenly, there is a loud crash from the other side of the bar, Jimmy and Rita give each other horrified looks as the shot swooshes to Amy, who somehow tripped as she was serving the last drink, sending the bunch of empty glasses she had collected to an early grave and getting half of that last drink all over herself, with the other half on one of the pub crawlers. They are all drunkenly laughing as Amy just sits there on the floor, looking dejected.)

AMY: (accent-less) Clean up in aisle seven.

(cut to:)

SCENE 3 (Deep inside the Ad Agency)

(We start in a small meeting room, where the four "partners" are seated around a card table. Against one wall of the room is another table that is filled with samples of various baked goods, presumably from the Bake Sale.)

MUCHE: So, does anyone have any ideas about this bakery contract?

TRUHSTUS: No, but it was a great idea getting them to send over some free samples for us to "get a feel for their product."

DU-EWE: Brilliant idea, John.

MUCHE: (sort of bows) Thank you, thank you.

GORDIE HOWE: I don't know, (Bt) seems a little distrustful.

MUCHE: Can it old head! (Bt) We're getting free cookies!

GORDIE HOWE: (angered) You here me complaining about the cookies? (Bt; close up of Gordie as he hold up a cookie) Which, I might add, aren't even remotely as hard as a hockey puck. (Gordie smiles, again with a twinkle)

DU-EWE: (to Truhstus) He's good.

GORDIE HOWE: Just make sure you actually try to come up with something while you stuff your face.

MUCHE: Or what?

GORDIE HOWE: Just remember who the majority partner of this firm is.

TRUHSTUS: (to Du-ewe) He's really good

GORDIE HOWE: I can replace you easier than a broken stick.

MUCHE: OK, we'll have something by the end of the week.

GORDIE HOWE: You better, (Bt; starts to get nauseated) oh, those oat bran muffins are starting to kick in. They shoot right through you, excuse me. (he gets up and runs out of the room)

DU-EWE: So, what's the plan, "boss?"

MUCHE: No change, we'll just patch something together at the last minute.

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (In front of the Barksdale residence)

(Kristovo walks up to the front door and knocks on it vigorously)

KRISTOVO: (mumblely) I hope Amy is here and I don't have to deal with her family. (Rita opens the door) Oh, hi Rita.

RITA: Hey Kristovo, what's up?

KRISTOVO: Is Amy here?

RITA: No, sorry, I haven't seen her today, she must've slipped out early.

KRISTOVO: Oh, (Bt) I can not seem to get a hold of her lately.

RITA: She has been busy lately.

KRISTOVO: Oh, OK, Thanks. (He sullenly turns to leave, and starts to walk away; Rita starts to close the door as Andrea, carrying a backpack, darts out the door.)

RITA: (yells) Will you watch where you're going!!!

ANDREA: (smirky) Whatever! (Catches up to Kristovo; Bt) Hello Kristovo.

KRISTOVO: Hi Andrea, (Bt) where are you going?

ANDREA: School.

KRISTOVO: But, it's one o'clock in the afternoon.

ANDREA: At least I'm going, sheesh! (Bt) You look down.

KRISTOVO: It's your mother, I haven't seen her for days and I miss her.

ANDREA: (not really wanting to hear any of this) OK.

KRISTOVO: I long to caress her body with kisses, and...

ANDREA: Hold it! Way too much information! (Bt) If you need to see her, go to the bar when she's working.

KRISTOVO: Brilliant! Can you show me where it is?

ANDREA: Yeah it's, wait (light bulb goes off in her head), I'll show you where it is, if you sweet talk my Mom into letting me stay.

KRISTOVO: Sure.

(cut to:)

SCENE 5 (At the Bake Sale)

(The store is virtually empty as Ruth sits at the counter, putting icing on a cake.)

RUTH: (in thought) I hope they don't expect us to pay for this with all the free stuff we've sent them.

(She puts the finishing touches on the cake, with the works "Thanks for Your Help" written on it in icing.)

RUTH: (in thought) You know, (Bt) maybe I should call to see how things are going.

(She picks up the phone and begins to dial. After a few rings, the secretary answers)

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) Howe, Muche,...

RUTH: May I speak to Mr. Howe?

FEMALE SECRATARY'S VOICE: (over the phone) Hold please.

(About five seconds of musak plays.)

GORDIE HOWE: (over the phone) Hello?

RUTH: Mr. Howe, this is Ruth Barksdale from the Bake Sale. I was wondering if you guys have any ideas yet?

GORDIE HOWE: (over the phone) We've been working...

RUTH: I only ask because we've sent an awfully outrageous amount of our products to your office.

GORDIE HOWE: (over the phone) That greasy little bastard! (Bt) Mrs. Barksdale, I'll make sure you get paid for that as soon as I fire that sneaky cheating, nogoodnick.

RUTH: I don't know what you're talking about, but OK.

GORDIE HOWE: (over, not on, the phone; yelling) Muche! Get in here! I have Mrs. Barksdale on the phone!

MUCHE: (over, not on, the phone) But, but...

GORDIE HOWE: (over, not on, the phone) What do you have to say for yourself?!

(Ruth has gotten an astonished look.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 6 (On the streets of Rutherford)

(IN the early twilight hours of a lovely Friday evening, Amy and Rita are heading to the Breast Plate Pub for their first weekend shift. We pick it up mid-conversation.)

RITA: ...You know, the weekend is probably when Jimmy makes the most money.

AMY: It's definitely the busiest part of the week, and you know what that means,...

AMY/RITA: (in unison) ...more tips!

(After they say this, we pull back to a wider shot, where we can see Muche walking right toward Amy and Rita. He looks very disheveled - his hair is messed up, his shirt untucked and he looks like he just went through hell. As he approaches, Rita recognizes him.)

RITA: (her eyes widen) Oh my G... (Bt; she grabs him as he tries to walk by) What happened to you?!

AMY: (whispers to Rita) You know him, too?

RITA: (whispers back) He's one of the guys from the ad agency.

AMY: (still with the whispering) Oh.

MUCHE: (Overhearing Rita's comment) Not any more, (very sarcastically) Mr. Hall of Fame fired me.

AMY: (whispering) What for? (in her usual tone) Sorry. What did he fire you for?

MUCHE: I wasn't getting anything done fast enough on your bakery campaign, (Bt) and I... (realizes whom he's talking to)

AMY: (suspicious) "And" what?

MUCHE: (reluctantly) ...and I was taking large amounts of free stuff from your bakery.

RITA: (Pondering) So, that's where all that stuff was going.

AMY: (to Muche) So, what are you going to do about it?

MUCHE: Well, Mr. Howe is making me pay for everything I took or he'll shoot a puck where the sun doesn't shine.

AMY: (nods) Sounds fair. (Rita nods in agreement)

(cut to:)

SCENE 7 (Later that night at the pub)

(The scene opens much as it did before, Jimmy and Rita are working behind the bar with Amy taking drink orders away from the bar. The only exception is the visible increase in the number or patrons.)

JIMMY: Just remember, it's the same game as all the other nights, only speedier.

RITA: OK.

JIMMY: But don't rush things. Move quick but take your time.

RITA: (sounding confused) Good Advice.

(Amy saunters up to the bar.)

AMY: I can hardly remember any good reason why I'm here.

RITA: To keep me from falling off the wagon, for one.

AMY: Oh yeah, (Bt; smirky) but I think there's something else.

RITA: Like?

AMY: I think you'll see, if everything goes according to plan. (Amy takes a tray full of beers for some customers)

RITA: Whatever!

(The camera follows Amy as she goes off on her rounds. After she is done with her distributing duties, she looks up to see Kristovo standing a couple of steps away. He smiles as she runs up to him.)

AMY: (bear hugs Kristovo) Kristovo! I haven't had any time for you lately, I'm so sorry. (she kisses him)

KRISTOVO: It is nice to see you, too.

AMY: (still hugging him) I have been so busy. (She finally looks over his shoulder to see Andrea and Melissa standing behind Kristovo) What are you doing here young lady?

ANDREA: I thought today was take your daughter to work day.

AMY: You know you're not old enough to go to bars yet.

KRISTOVO: It's OK, I'll keep an eye on her while she's here.

AMY: Fine, (to Andrea) but stay out of trouble

ANDREA: I think I can manage that. (Melissa nods as she takes a big gulp from a frosty mug)

(Cut back to the bar, both Jimmy and Rita are furiously filling orders.)

RITA: Hey Jimmy, this isn't so bad.

JIMMY: Wait 'til they start getting really wasted.

(As if on cue, a large man with a formidable beer belly, long hair and a scruffy beard waddles up to the bar. At the same time Amy returns.)

AMY: Rita, I need a couple of Bloody Marys.

DRUNK DUDE: Hey lady, I was here first, hiccup.

AMY: (tersely) But you weren't quick enough.

(He gets right in her face with phlegm ablazin'.)

DRUNK DUDE: If you were my woman, I'd...

AMY: You'd what?

(He then puts both hands on her shoulders and pushes her. At that, she punches him square in the nose and he staggers back a bit. when he finally regains what's left of his balance, he's met with a swift kick to the face. By now, the entire bar has erupted in a free-for-all brawl. One guy gets a pool cue broken across his back. Another guy gets hit in the head by a flying bottle that was thrown by Andrea, who pumps her first as it connects. Finally, a bar stool is thrown right toward Jimmy and Rita. They both duck as it flies by, shattering a couple hundred glasses in the process.)

JIMMY: (getting up) Geez, I just bought them!

(We can now audibly hear many police sirens approaching as the fracas comes to an end. Melissa, of all people, is slowly and quietly attempting to flee as Amy grabs her by the shoulder.)

MELISSA: (shaking as Amy turns her around) M...M...May I help you?

AMY: (shows her credentials) Special Agent Amy Barksdale, FBI.

MELISSA: Uh, Um, I didn't do it?

AMY: You're under arrest for your part in the infamous Leeville diamond smuggling scheme, (to the arriving officers) book her.

(A crowd has since gathered around Amy and Melissa.)

ANDREA: (running up to Amy) Huh? (Bt) Wait, how would you know something like that, anyway.

AMY: I got word from headquarters that you're friend was possibly in town. Once I realized that she was the girl you were hanging out with, I came up with the idea to get a job here, knowing that you would lead her right to me. That's why I didn't "notice" you that first night Rita and I were here and it's also why I've been avoiding Kristovo all week, I figured you'd go to him for help.

ANDREA: And the bar brawl?

AMY: Had to get the police here somehow. (Bt) By the way, thanks Wayne.

DRUNK DUDE: (waves to Amy as he walks by) Any time, Agent Barksdale.

RITA: So that's why you didn't quit working here when you really wanted?

AMY: For the most part, yep. (Bt) Jimmy, my work here is done so I quit.

RITA: Me too, I never really wanted to work here anyway.

JIMMY: Aw, it's OK ladies. With all the damage this place won't be opened for a while, at least until the next episode, anyway.

(As the police lead Melissa away, Andrea catches up to her.)

MELISSA: (angry) And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for your meddling mother!

ANDREA: Sorry about that, (Bt) If I would have known...

MELISSA: It's all right, no hard feelings. (they put her in the back of a squad car)

(cut to:)

SCENE 8 (At home with the Barksdales)

(Amy, Rita, Andrea and Ruth are all sitting around their TV room, much like the opening scene, watching another old Seinfeld rerun.)

GEORGE: (from TV) My candy line up! (laugh track)

RUTH: So, what did we all learn this week?

ANDREA: Don't make friends with international thieves when your mother is an FBI agent. And definitely don't take them to a bar where said mother works.

RITA: I learned that it's no fun not being the center of attention, and to keep my sister as far away from all of my illegal activities as possible.

KRISTOVO: (from outside the nearest window) I learned that rabbits aren't that smart.

RUTH: C'mon guys, you can do much better than that.

AMY: I'll be honest, I didn't learn anything I didn't already know.

RUTH: Don't be so negative, honey.

AMY: Besides, nothing that happened this week made any sense. Why would Rita want to work at a bar? That whole "diamond smuggler" thing sort of came out of the blue...

GEORGE: (from TV) They're all Twix!

AMY: ...and that ad campaign subplot, did that ever really go anywhere? If you ask me, it was all a large carload of nothing.

RUTH: Actually, the advertising thing wasn't a total loss. I did learn something.

RITA: Which was?

RUTH: Never hire someone to do something you could do just as well yourself.

(cut to the credits in a split screen with the following commercial, featuring the jingle sung to the tune of the Barenaked Ladies Pinch Me:)

(Ruth is standing at the counter of the Bake Sale dressed in an exagerated baker's costume as Andrea, with a bored expression on her face, walks in as a customer and the music starts.)

WEIRD VOICE-OVER VOICE:

(Rita and Amy jump by in front of Ruth, they're both wearing black pants and a green and black horizontally striped shirts, and then all three start dancing wildly.)

(Now they even have Andrea sort of dancing along with twenty or thirty extras, all dressed like Amy and Rita and all giving the thumbs up sign at every opportunity.)

(The frenzied dancing has turned into a good natured food fight. )

(The music fades as there is a close-up on Ruth as she gives a thumbs up.)

ANNOUNCER: The Bake Sale Rutherford's leader in fine baked goods for as long as I can remember.

How many times do I have to tell you people? I'm trying to downplay that I was ever involved in that sordid ordeal. It was horrible, even the episode I wrote turned out bad. If you want a comment, here it is: take all the scripts and shot episodes and bury them! Bury them deep!

I'm going to make this quick, no sense in trying to make too much sense out of this whole thing. I was going for the proverbial "filler" episode that I usually give a "B," one in which not a whole lot of interesting things happen. I don't really know if I succeeded, but I tried not to mess too much with the characters. The guest stars were pretty forgettable (for the record, Jimmy was based upon Guy from the short lived NBC series Fired Up! - why I remember that show - and I don't know where Gordie Howe came from). Other than that, I sort of strayed a little from the some of the other scripts - I don't think the word "sarcasm" shows up anywhere, and I know there aren't any gratuitous guest stars from Daria. Other than that, there not much that needs explaining (but y'all can e-mail me if you need an explanation). Finally, for the record, I had a very enjoyable time working on this series (Thanks Kara, for asking for my participation) but I do think my "alias" was a bit too easy to figure out ;)