NARRATOR: Amy Barksdale was just your average F.B.I. agent with a Ph.D in bioengineering...
(Shot of Amy talking on the phone with her niece, Daria Morgendorffer, in the beginning of the "pilot" episode.)
AMY: (laughing) Just remember: sarcasm is a great way to deal. Bye.
NARRATOR: ... and an honorary degree in kicking ass.
(Cut to shot of Amy in a later scene, trapped between two mobsters in a subway car. She delivers expert karate blows, knocking each of them unconscious.)
NARRATOR: She felt life was good, unaware of how quickly it all would change.
(Cut to shot of Amy gazing at the charred remains of her townhouse, while her boss, Mike Fowler, stands beside her.)
FOWLER: You may have to hide out for a while, Barksdale.
AMY: (distressed) Hide out?? But my whole life is here, Chief! Where will I go?
FOWLER: (placing a hand on Amy's shoulder) Wherever your heart may lead you.
(Cue the upbeat music, which quickly turns into the "Abruptly Amy" theme song: "There She Goes" by Sixpence None the Richer. Dissolve to close-up of an American flag billowing in the wind. It morphs into the sign WELCOME TO RUTHERFORD.)
(Cut to shot of Amy driving through the main street of a charming town, gazing at the store fronts. She slows down in front of a store with the sign: BARKSDALE BAKE SALE.)
NARRATOR: Before she could even say the word "sarcasm," Amy found herself facing greater challenges than she had ever imagined...
(Cut to shot of Amy standing behind a counter with her sister, Rita, surrounded by baked goods, looking bored.)
NARRATOR: ... running her family's bakery!
(Cut to shot of Amy sitting in the living room with her mother, Ruth, and Rita.)
RUTH: (accusing) All we asked was that our second eldest daughter take it over for us! You failed us, Amy!
AMY: (annoyed) This town was stifling me! I wanted to do more than spend my life as "Helen Barksdale's younger sister"!
NARRATOR: So the prodigal daughter has returned home. And she's taking on a problem child of her own...
(Cut to shot of Amy, Ruth, Rita, and "Goth chick" Andrea Hecuba.)
AMY: (to Andrea) I'm your legal guardian.
ANDREA: Since when?!
AMY: Since last night. (smiles.) They let you apply over the phone now.
ANDREA: Are you [bleeping] kidding me?!
NARRATOR: And a sexy love interest.
(Cut to shot of Amy, inspecting the rear end of Kristovo, a handsome Cuban man who's leaned over to pick up a newspaper.)
NARRATOR: And some cool NEW enemies!
(Cut to shot of a fat, Colonel Sanders-like man, Big Harv, sitting in a large leather chair in his office. He folds his hands and grins wickedly.)
HARV: Believe you me. Rutherford will be mine.
(Cut to shot of mobster Scruffy Joe, and Mike Fowler, standing before a tied-up Amy and co.)
SCRUFFY: (suspicious) Say... just how often did you make love to her??
FOWLER: More times than I can remember. (Bt. panics.) Um, I mean a few times. Like I said earlier.
(Cut to shot of Andrea shooting frantically at a car driven by a mysterious woman with a tatoo on her hand.)
ANDREA: (angry) DIE... YOU... BITCH...!
(Cut to shot of Amy crouched over on top of a stall in a unisex bathroom. She proceeds to leap on top of an unsuspecting Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer, who then tries to wrestle her off.)
NARRATOR: But even with her new life, Amy still has time to receive a visit from her friends on "Daria."
(Cut to shot of Amy sitting at the dinner table with Jesse Moreno. She mouths the word "script.")
(Cut to shot of Charles Ruttheimer III [aka "Upchuck"] racing through the halls of a military base. He arrives at the commander's door, and is quickly ushered in.)
(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers sitting at their dining room table.)
QUINN: NooooOOOOOOOOO! Not again!! I don't wanna DO this, anymore!
DARIA: (to Helen, irritated) They said one cameo per person. ONE.
NARRATOR: If people thought Amy was down and out, if she was going to be driven to extinction by a few naysayers --
(Brief newsreel footage showing a bunch of rabid Amy fans hurling bottles at the studio lot where the "Abruptly Amy" pilot was filmed.)
NARRATOR: Well sir, you were wrong! WRONG I tell you!!! (Seems to get emotional, then calms down.) Because Amy's more alive than ever, with tons of exciting new adventures ahead, driven by the writing talents of...
E. Charlton Fuhrmann...
(Shot of Amy hanging off a cliff, while the mysterious woman with the tatoo on her hand looks over her.)
Sunto Czyra...
(Shot of Amy leaping to push Andrea out of the way of an out-of-control SUV.)
J. Michaelis Quinn...
(Shot of Amy trying to slide a bottle down to a barstool, but forcing it so hard, it flies up in the air instead.)
Hans Tojki...
(Shot of Andrea and Jesse Moreno inside a pub, eyeing each other with interest.)
Shawn Perry
(Shot of Amy, Andrea, Rita, Ruth, and Trent floating through a pool of lava on, of all things, a gigantic video tape.)
And
Carrie D. Wildly...
(Shot of Amy with Helen in a courtroom, standing defiantly before the judge in a skirt that's way too short.)
NARRATOR: So get set... new episodes of "Abruptly Amy" are coming soon -- whether you like it or not!
(Screen fades to black. SUPER: Premiering October 20 on the Lifetime
Network.)