The Adventures of Amy Barksdale Across the Twelfth
Dimension
A Daria/The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the
Eighth Dimension Crossover
by Brian Taylor
* * *
OPENING CAPTION
Amy Barksdale, born to a British tax dodger and an American tobacco heiress, thus began life as she was destined to live it.... filthy rich. A masterful concert pianist, this restless young woman grew quickly dissatisfied with a life devoted solely to music. She roamed the planet studying martial and culinary arts, feudal Japanese armaments, international diplomacy, and particle physics, searching also for the perfect plate of cheese fries and collecting around her a most eccentric group of friends and family - those hard-rocking Tokyo Typhoons.
And now, with her astounding jet car ready for a bold assault on the dimensional barrier, Amy Barksdale faces the greatest challenge of her turbulent life...
...While high above the Earth, an alien spacecraft keeps a nervous watch on Team Barksdale's every move. And keeps crashing into communication satellites. Damned cell phones...
SCENE 001 - EXT. EARTH
The planet is before us, in it's multi-ocean glory. North America is facing towards the camera. Floating above it, bearing a striking resemblance to a thermal scan of a nuclear explosion, an alien spacecraft is floating towards the top of the screen. As the camera zooms in, we see a small explosion near the spacecraft...
SCENE 002 - EXT. RUNWAY, DAY
Lots of people are milling around a dark blue Plymouth Valiant that now has all sorts of pipes and hoses sticking out of the back, not to mention wires and electronics. Daria and Jane are standing around, trying to reason with your generic businessman in a suit. Helen is wandering around in the background, a cell phone to her ear. Behind them all, a bank of monitors and assorted other A/V equipment is set up on several tables.
Helen: Hello? Hello?
She removes the phone from her ear and looks at it.
Helen: No signal? Why in the hell can't I get a cell phone that works?
Zoom in on Daria, Jane, and the Dude.
Daria: Relax, Mr. Secretary. She'll be here. (Quietly) Or I'm going to get her for making me stand out here in the middle of the desert for nothing.
Jane: Amy's not the sort of person to pass up a chance to publicly show off her new toy. She's just a little held up by a previous engagement. If you'll excuse us for a second...
Jane grabs Daria's arm and pulls her aside.
Jane: You do realize that if she doesn't show up, we just lied to the Secretary of Defense, don't you?
Daria: It wouldn't be the first time, would it?
Jane (With a smirk): Nope. (Beat) But what's keeping Amy so long? I hope she didn't get a little too involved with my brother for the afternoon.
Daria: You know how those solo concerts go, Jane.
Jane: So you're thinking third encore?
Daria nods; Jane sighs.
Jane: Damn third encores.
SCENE 003 - INT. CLUB STAGE
It's pretty much your generic stage. Amy is stage right, sitting on a piano bench in front of a massive black grand piano, hands getting medieval on the ol' ivories while she wails into the microphone. Stage left, Trent (!) is playing guitar, and not doing too bad of a job at it. The tune they're playing is Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart," with a few interesting musical modifications.
Amy (Singing): I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark! We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks! I really need you tonight! Forever's gonna start tonight!
Trent rips a fairly decent solo right here, loud and complicated-sounding.
SCENE 004 - INT. BUNKER
At the other end of the runway. We see the young Thomas talking on a phone - not cellular - while in the background several white-coated scientists (including Ms. Barch and Ms. Defoe) are wandering around, calibrating instruments, checking monitors, and in general messing with pretty much everything in sight.
Tom (On the phone): Well, where the hell is she, Daria? We've been ready down here for the last hour, and Claire and Janet are so anxious to do something that they keep checking on the instruments. I'm afraid they're going to do some long-lasting damage if they keep it up, since we're using Microsoft.
Daria (O/S): I wish I could help you. Do the words "third encore" mean anything to you?
Tom: Ouch. (Beat) A third encore again?
Daria (O/S): Yeah. She'll be here when the screaming hordes let her go. In the meantime, tell your cohorts down in the lab not to get their panties in a bunch.
Tom: Do you remember what happened the last time I told Janet something like that?
Daria (O/S): Refresh my memory.
Tom: It took the fire department an hour to get me down off of the flagpole. I'm not making that mistake twice, unless... (Beat) I hope Amy shows up soon.
SCENE 005 - INT. BACKSTAGE
Trent is on a couch, obviously half-asleep. Amy is prepping for her journey out, which for her consists of putting on a leather jacket and grabbing her helmet. The words "Eat My Dust" are painted across the back of it.
Amy: Yo! Sleeping beauty!
Trent starts, and looks around frenetically.
Trent: What? Who told you that?
Amy: You were pretty good out there today, kid. I'm looking for a new guitarist in the Typhoons since that... er... accident with the last one in Iran. Want the job?
Trent thinks for a moment.
Trent: Sure.
Amy: Good. Be ready for us to pick you up in two days, when we swing back through Lawndale. I'll be sure to tell your sister to warm up the electro-shock machine now.
Trent's eyes go about as wide as they can go; Amy laughs at the reaction.
Amy: Just kidding, Trent. (Beat) You kids today...
She leaves, putting her helmet on even as she's shaking her head in mock amazement.
SCENE 006 - EXT. RUNWAY
The Secretary of Defense is beginning to get mad. Daria and Jane are exchanging looks while he keeps raving.
Secretary: Listen, Miss Morgendorffer, I'm a busy man. I don't have time for all of this nonsense.
Amy pulls up on a Harley, stops it, and gets off. She removes her motorcycle helmet, and holds it by the lower rim.
Daria: Well...
Secretary: And if Amy doesn't show up soon, I'm afraid I'm going to have to...
Amy taps him on the shoulder.
Amy (Smirking): Well, well, Secretary Weller. Still threatening little girls in the desert, are we?
He practically jumps in the air.
Amy (To Daria): I love bureaucrats.
Daria: Especially making them jump?
Amy: You know me too well. (Beat) Are we ready to do this?
Weller turns around, attempting to save face.
Weller: It's about time, Dr. Barksdale.
Daria: To translate from Politician-ese, we've been ready.
Amy: Good. The more you do now, the more time you have to waste later.
Amy takes off for the jet car, carrying her motorcycle helmet under her arm.
Weller: Huh?
Daria: Never mind.
SCENE 007 - INT. BUNKER
Tom, Claire, and Janet are all sitting in front of computer monitors, typing rapidly. Tom wears one of those headset phones and is talking into it.
Tom: Amy, are you go or no go for launch?
Amy (O/S): What the hell is this, Apollo 13? Of course I'm ready!
SCENE 008 - INT. PLYMOUTH
Amy, wearing her motorcycle helmet, holds a gyroscope-like instrument in her hands. She sticks it in a slot on the dashboard.
Amy: Janet, you're sure this damned thing works, aren't you? I don't want to end up a splat on the side of some cliff.
Janet (O/S, on the radio): Relax, Amy. I designed it, and it will work better than anything any man can make.
Amy (Flatly): What a relief.
Tom (O/S, on the radio): On my mark. 3...
Amy flips a switch on the dashboard.
Tom (O/S, on the radio): 2...
She starts the engine, and it purrs to life. This baby's obviously been souped-up.
Tom (O/S, on the radio): 1...
She puts her hands on the steering wheel.
Tom (O/S, on the radio): Mark!
SCENE 009 - EXT. RUNWAY
Daria, Jane, Weller, Helen, and assorted technicians and lookers-on all leap back as a five-foot gout of flame shoots out the back of the Plymouth, and it takes off at high speed down the runway.
Weller: It works. The son of a bitch actually works!
Jane: You ain't seen nothing yet.
SCENE 010 - INT. BUNKER
The technicians are glued to their monitors.
Claire: Ground speed is mach .23
Tom: And you're running very hot, Amy. It might be fast as hell, but one heat-seeking missile and you're toast.
Amy (O/S, on the radio): Oh, good. I've always liked eating toast in the morning.
Claire: Ground speed is mach .5... mach .75... mach 1.
SCENE 011 - EXT. DESERT
The Plymouth is rocketing along so fast along the landscape that it can barely be seen.
SCENE 012 - INT. PLYMOUTH
Amy toggles another switch on the dashboard, and a blue light shoots out of the top of the car.
Weller (O/S, on the radio): How fast is she going, anyway?
Daria (O/S, on the radio): It's probably best not to think about it.
Weller (O/S, on the radio): And why is she heading right for that cliff? She's going to crash.
Daria (O/S, on the radio): I wouldn't worry about that. She's got a real thick head.
Jane (O/S, on the radio): Just like Mug root beer.
Daria (O/S, on the radio): I'd say the foam has gone straight to your brain, Jane.
Jane (O/S, on the radio): What? I'm just trying to liven things up a little.
SCENE 013 - INT. BUNKER
The technicians are still glued to their monitors.
Tom: Come on, you son of a bitch. Work!
SCENE 014 - EXT. DESERT
The Plymouth flies through the cliff, disappearing in a blue haze.
SCENE 015 - EXT. RUNWAY
Everyone's crowded around the table, watching. On two or three of the monitors we see all sorts of weird things, like literally flying rocks and smoke and lightning and all sorts of things like that.
Weller: Where the hell did she go?
Jane: Offhand, I'd say she went through the cliff.
SCENE 016 - INT. PLYMOUTH
We get a chance to see first-hand what Amy sees, and it's pretty bizarre. Lots of weird, glowing colors and freaky organic-looking landmarks. Finally, the blue light appears on a "wall" in front of the Plymouth, and as the car runs into it, we can see the real world again. More desert, actually.
SCENE 017 - EXT. DESERT
The Plymouth emerges, and in a moment's time we see a massive red parachute extend behind it. The Plymouth gradually comes to a complete stop, at which point Amy gets out, takes off her helmet, and looks at the tires. She kicks them ineffectually, as they are more or less totally shredded.
Amy: That is the last time I use Firestones.
She kneels down, and checks under the car.
Amy: I wonder if the muffler's still... (Beat) Hello. What do we have here?
She reaches under the car, and after a moment or two removes her hand with a thing best described as a brownish suction-cup ball in it.
Tom (O/S, over the radio): You out there, fearless leader?
Amy (Best Natasha voice): No, Boris dahlink. Is no one here but us chickens.
Tom (O/S, over the radio): Very funny, Amy.
Amy: I know. (Beat) If it's not too much trouble, could you get a chopper out here to pick me up?
In Amy's hand,. the brown ball starts moving.
Amy: And bring a beaker. I stopped for a hitchhiker.
Tom (O/S, over the radio): What?
Amy: I'll explain when you get out here. And don't think you can take your time just because you're dating my niece.
Tom (O/S, over the radio): Yes'm.
SCENE 018 - INT. ASYLUM
A pair of eyes are front and center in the screen. They look rather beady, and somewhat familiar. We pan out to reveal that they belong to Mr. O'Neill. Or someone who looks like him, at any rate. He's got spiky green hair and looks about as insane as you can get. He's wearing a stained undershirt, sitting in an ugly blue recliner, and staring at the television. The camera pans around so that we might see what is on the television. It's a newsdesk.
Reporter 1: And now we join channel seven's very own Brittany Taylor as she speaks with the woman of the hour, Amy Barksdale. Over to you, Brittany.
On the television, cut to an image of Brittany standing next to Amy, who is seated. Daria and Ms. Barch can also be seen sitting.
Brittany: Thanks, Roger!
Daria (To Amy): I'd forgotten about her squeak.
Amy (To Daria): How could you forget a little thing like that?
Brittany: So, Amy, how did you build the vibra... vibra... vibratory thingie?
Amy: Actually, Brittany, I didn't. Janet, over here, did, in 2000.
Janet: That's right, Brittany. You should remember it, since you (She shudders, presumably involuntarily) helped me with it.
Pan back around to O'Neill, who's busy hooking up all sorts of mechanical tchotchkies, like a steel wool pad and a dimmer switch, both together and to himself.
Brittany (O/S): 2000? Wow, that was a long time ago! I wonder what it must have been like back then?
Daria (O/S): Uh... Brittany? That was five years ago.
Brittany (O/S): Oh...
O'Neill, meanwhile, has stuck the steel wool pad to his tongue, and is preparing to spin the dimmer switch. As he does so, he's hit by a big burst of electricity that we can see crackling in his eyes and hair. We zoom into one of his eyes as he shakes, and blurrily fade to the next...
SCENE 019 - INT. HALLWAY
The sign on the door in front of us reads "Lawndale High Science Club." It's ajar.
SCENE 020 - INT. CLASSROOM
We see several students - including Mack, Jodie, Kevin (!), and Brittany (!!) laboring at something while Barch directs them. We can't see what they've got in their hands, yet.
Barch: Be careful with that Transport-O-Tron, Mack! I didn't spend twenty years of my life trying to build it only to have it destroyed by some... some... man!
Mack sighs; we can tell he's being the most careful with it of all.
Mack: Yes, Ms. Barch.
O'Neill (O/S): Janet?
Zoom out to see that O'Neill has just entered the room, and is tentatively walking over towards where she is standing by the chalkboard.
Barch (Without turning around): Just a minute, Skinny. Let me test this thing first. I already picked the lock on the janitor's closet.
O'Neill: Oh, my...
Jodie: We're done, Ms. Barch.
She steps back, and we finally see that what they were messing with was a long metal bar with that vibra - vibra - vibratory thingie attached to it. Kevin and Brittany retreat to the back of the room, as Jodie flips the switch on the bar. A blue beam shoots out of the Vibratory Transport-O-Tron, ending up on the chalkboard.
Barch: Hit the lights, Jodie!
The room goes dark. O'Neill is staring at the chalkboard, transfixed by the color. He slowly starts approaching the blue spot on the board. Quickly pan to a shot of his foot, as he steps on one of those glossy pocket folders, and slides forward. He slides forward. Pan back up to see that his head is now stuck in the chalkboard.
O'Neill: Gah! Aaaah!
Barch: Timothy! (Beat) Come on, Jodie! Help me pull him out!
Jodie and Barch each grab one of his arms, and pull him out. He turns around. His hair is now spiky green, instead of the sandy color from before. He looks stark raving mad, too. With a roar, he grabs Jodie and Barch, and clonks their heads together. They hit the floor, stunned, as he goes running out of the room, cackling all the way.
Brittany (O/S): Did you hear that, Kevie?
Kevin (O/S): Hear what, babe?
DeMartino (O/S): Timothy? WHAT on EARTH happened to your HAIR?
Zoom out, eventually ending by shooting back out through O'Neill's eye.
SCENE 021 - INT. ASYLUM
O'Neill knocks the steel wool off of his tongue, and the shaking stops. He sits there for a moment.
O'Neill (Under his breath): Damned memory machine...
Reporter 1 (O/S): And when asked to describe the other dimension, Amy said, "It looked sort of like Los Angeles on a bad night." Team Barksdale will be holding a press conference tomorrow night at seven o'clock from the conference room of Le Grand Hotel in Lawndale. Sports and weather, right after these -
O'Neill reaches over and turns the TV off. He gets up and wanders over to the back wall, and we get a chance to see just how much crap the man has. Textbooks every which way, papers, half-empty Twinkie boxes - all scattered throughout O'Neill's meager living space. Not even a cell - more like a cubicle. Once at the wall, he starts scribbling on it with an old Bic. We can see all sorts of nonsensical ravings all over the place.
Nurse (Over the loudspeaker): Patients, please remember that prozac is no longer available in this wing.
O'Neill (Muttering): G sub e pluribus unum... equals... home. I want to go home. It's where my hat can hang itself.
Orderly (O/S): Hey, mac! Who are you today? Jerry Garcia?
The orderly, a tall dark-haired man with a passing resemblance to James Woods, walks in from the left bearing a big cardboard box.
O'Neill: I am Lord Kevin Treehugger! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's being called by the wrong name.
Orderly: Whatever, mac. Got another care package from your friends at Lawndale Propulsion.
O'Neill visibly perks up.
O'Neill: Gimme!
He grabs the box and rips it open. The orderly walks over, unplugs the TV, and picks it up.O'Neill pulls a box of Twinkies out and rips that open.
Orderly: Gotta take your TV. You've been using up too much juice. What you been doing that takes 20,000 watts, anyway?
O'Neill (Mouth full of Twinkie): Mmf gnhf hmmm
Orderly: Say what?
O'Neill: I'm going home tomorrow. Going to use my Transport-O-Tron, and rip myself a new dimensional hole.
He points at the device he used to shock himself earlier. The orderly chuckles.
Orderly: Sure, mac. I'll tell 'em to leave the door unlocked for you.
He walks away with the boob tube, still chuckling.
O'Neill: Laugh while you can, monkey boy! I'll make you pay for this!
Orderly: Whatever.
O'Neill takes another big bite of Twinkie, glaring after the orderly.
SCENE 022 - INT. BACKSTAGE
The Tokyo Typhoons are gearing up for a gig, sans Trent. Janet Barch is looking at a big black box with lots of glowing lights.
Janet: Amy, here's the spectrograph readings on that specimen you scraped off of the car.
Amy walks over and looks at it.
Amy (Flatly): Interesting. (Beat) What is this, a bug?
Janet: Looks like it.
Amy: Hey, Jane, you're the bug girl, right? What's this look like to you?
Jane walks over and joins the two women.
Jane: Lunch.
Amy looks about ready to reply when a male voice from off-screen interrupts.
Man (O/S): They're getting restless out there!
Amy: Just what I needed today.
Jane: What? Interdimensional bugs for lunch?
Amy: No. Getting yelled at by a promoter five minutes before I take the stage.
Jane: I see.
The man walks into the backstage area. He's short, fat, and wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Panama hat.
Amy: Well, if it isn't He Who Has No First Name. (Beat) What's the problem, McGrundy? We're here, aren't we?
McGrundy: Yeah, but you're not playing. I don't care if you walked through a mountain in South Dakota. As long as you're in my club, you're going to play music.
Amy: So... you want us to play, huh?
Jane: Monopoly or Life?
Daria: I'm thinking Hungry Hungry Hippos.
McGrundy (Confused): Would you just get out there?
Amy: Maybe.
So saying, she gets up and walks towards the door leading towards the stage. The rest of the band - Daria, Tom, and Jane - follow after a moment's hesitation. Jane makes the "Evil Eye" sign at McGrundy as she walks out. He's totally unaware of this fact, of course.
SCENE 023 - INT. STAGE
The band's on-stage, working through an opening instrumental number. Jane is behind the drum kit, Tom holds an electric bass, Daria's wailing on the harmonica like John Popper on speed, and Amy... well... slams on the piano like there's no tomorrow. After a few moments of this, the song winds to an end.
Amy: Good evening, Lawndale. Sorry we don't have a guitarist with us tonight, but he's currently exploring new career opportunities with Sheik Yerbouti in Iran. So you're just stuck with us. (Beat) Behind me is the Creature Who Hits Things. We call her Jane, and we found her in a cave in upstate New York.
Jane: And you can all see me hit Amy backstage after the first set. With a nine-iron.
Amy: Down, Creature! (Beat) To her left is the Mistress of the Blowing Harp, Daria. Say hello to the nice people, Daria.
Daria (Flatly): I think it's time for someone to take her medication.
Amy (Mock chastising): That doesn't sound like a hello to me. (Beat) And to my left is Tom. I don't have anything funny to say about him. He's a bass player. That's enough.
Tom: Ha ha.
Amy: Is everyone having a good time?
The audience cheers.
Amy: For our first real song tonight, we're going to play an old favorite of mine. It's called "Ravishing."
Zoom to Daria and Jane in the back.
Daria: Oh, God. Not again.
Jane: We have got to get her laid. Soon.
Off-screen, Amy begins pounding out the first notes of the old Bonnie Tyler song with a fury. Jane surveys the audience for a moment.
Jane: On the plus side, there are a lot of teenage males in the audience tonight.
Daria: So maybe we won't have to play this song tomorrow, then.
Jane: And... it looks like... my dad.
Cut to a shot of Vincent in the audience, standing up and pointing something at the stage.
Daria (O/S): Which one is your dad, again?
Jane (O/S): The one pointing the gun at the stage.
Daria (O/S): He's been kind of weird since your mother ran off to Belize with that pottery instructor, hasn't he? (Beat) Did you say...
Daria and Jane (O/S, simultaneously): A gun?!
Cut back to the stage, as the music dies out. Amy has jumped up from the piano, while Daria drops the harmonica and Jane drops her drumsticks. All pull out sets of .45s, John Woo-style. Cut back to Vincent, who is being accosted by the guards, to put it mildly. In fact, they've already got his hands cuffed behind his back and are leading him out of the room rather quickly.
Vincent: It's only a water pistol! I swear! Let me go!
Cut back to Amy. A thoughtful look is upon her face for a moment as she replaces her guns in invisible holsters.
Amy: Hey, hogs in the harnesses, let him go!
Cut back to the audience to reveal that they've already managed to get him out of the room.
Amy (To Jane, not in the microphone): We'll bail him out tomorrow. You did say that was your father, right?
Jane: How the hell did you hear me over the piano?
Amy: Don't ask. (She walks back to the piano stool and sits down) Well, on with the show, everyone.
She resumes the song exactly where she left off, and with a sigh Jane returns back to the drum kit and starts drumming away. Right about now, Amy begins to sing.
Amy (Singing): When the sun is burning out, and the night is pouring in... Now is the time to run, run boy, now is the time to hide...
SCENE 024 - INT. ASYLUM LOBBY
Treehugger walks into the room, pulling a small suitcase behind him and whistling a song. "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves. He marches over to the phone, picks up the receiver, and dials.
Treehugger: Hello? Operator? I wanna speak with Mr. Kevin Bugeye at Lawndale Propulsion Systems. (Beat) Who's calling? Lord Kevin Treehugger. T-R-E-E-H-U-G-G-E-R. You got that, honey? Kevin. K-E-V-I-N. (Beat) I will not hold!
The orderly walks up to the guy, and naturally can't resist saying a few words.
Orderly: Who you talking to, Mac? Elvis, live on planet ten?
Treehugger: I'm talkin' to Bugeye. (Beat) He's gonna help me get home.
The orderly glances at the clock on the wall above Treehugger's head.
Orderly: Gee, look at the time. Get off the phone, mac. Time for your meds.
Treehugger lashes out at him, grabbing the dude by the neck and jamming him up against the wall.
Treehugger (On phone): Bugeye? (Beat) Of course it's me, you fool. Who d'you think calls you at this time of the night? (Beat) What's the I.R.S.?
Orderly: Gurk...
Treehugger: We're going home... Don't you watch TV? Barksdale! (Beat) No, I don't listen to her music! She broke the barrier. We're going home. (Beat) Do that. And get some more Twinkies! Eating these things gives me great love. (Beat) I'll get my own ride, thanks. Meet me at the factory later tonight. Be sure to grab Barch and the Transport-O-Tron.
He hangs up the phone, breaks the orderly's neck, and walks away, whistling the song from before. As he nears the door, he passes a guy playing an official Amy Barksdale and the Tokyo Typhoons arcade game. With a roar, he punches through the screen, and then continues on his way out the door, beginning to sing...
Treehugger (Singing): I'm walking on sunshine... yeah... and don't it feel good?
SCENE 025 - EXT. HIGHWAY, DAY
The Tokyo Typhoon tour bus is cruising . It's big, it's black, and it has bold yellow letters on the side proclaiming "Amy Barksdale and the Tokyo Typhoons." We see the license plate briefly, and we discover that it's from New Jersey. Figures.
SCENE 026 - INT. REAR BUS
Inside, it's a rather spacious and impressive-looking thing. Bunks line the walls, with a nice little sitting area in the middle. Amy practices Tai Chi - decked out in the whole martial arts getup - while Daria and Tom are seated at the table bolted to the floor. On the table is a newspaper; during the first few lines of conversation below, pan down to see a picture of Vincent being hauled away by security the night before at McGrundy's, with the headline "Local Loon Locked Up!" and then pan back up to a shot of the whole back of the bus.
Daria: It looks just like him.
Tom: Like who?
Daria: Rudolfo. Same eyes, same nose, same hair. Hell, he and Jane's dad could be twins. (Beat) Pictures don't lie.
Amy snorts.
Amy: The hell they don't. I met my first boyfriend that way.
Daria: Pictures? (Beat) This was before AOL, wasn't it?
Amy (Drily): Back in my day, Daria, we didn't have these newfangled programs like AOL. We had to make do with Polaroids and phone calls.
Daria: How barbaric.
Cue Jane walking to the back, carrying a sheet of paper.
Jane: Hot off the presses, ladies and germs. That old boyfriend of Janet's just broke out of the New Bedlam Home For the Criminally Insane.
Daria: O'Neill?
Jane: The same. Killed an orderly and stole a Maserati Bora from some passing sheik. And then he crashed it a block later. And then... disappeared without a trace.
Daria: I guess New Bedlam was too much even for Mr. O'Neill.
Amy walks over to one of the lower bunks and sits down in it.
Amy: A Maserati Bora?
Jane: Yeah. (Beat) Even I thought he had better taste than that.
Tom is thinking.
Tom: Mr. O'Neill? Didn't I see him on television once?
Amy: You're thinking of Mr. Rogers.
Jane: Yeah, dumbkopf. Mr. O'Neill used to be an English teacher.
Tom: So did Mr. Rogers.
Amy: No he didn't.
Jane: O'Neill is actually a vicious killer. He'd just as soon slit your throat as look at you.
Tom: Is that true?
Jane: Not really. I just liked saying it. It made me feel like I was on television. (Beat) O'Neill's more into neckbreaking.
Daria: Yeah. Big difference.
SCENE 027 - EXT. HIGHWAY
The bus continues along its merry way, passing a road sign that reads: Lawndale County Jail, 10 Miles.
SCENE 028 - INT. BUS
Now, we're in the comm center section of the bus, which is between the driver's area and the "living quarters" in the back. Two guys - call 'em tech dudes - sit at computer monitors, paying careful attention to what they see. Amy - now dressed in her usual getup - and Daria walk into the room from the rear of the bus. The tech dudes look up from their monitors.
Tech Dude 1: Amy, you might want to take a look at this.
Tech Dude 2: It looks like your basic, every-day electrostatic disturbance, moving southward from Arkansas.
Tech Dude 1: From the jet car, d'you think?
Amy walks over and peers over their shoulders at the monitor. Cut quickly to the monitor to see a multicolored shape that looks quite a bit like an atomic explosion, or an alien spaceship. Cut back to the long shot of the comm center.
Amy: That's not the jet car. It's too... radioactive. You might want to check with NORAD, and find out if the Chinese are doing any above-ground nuclear testing.
Tech Dude 1: But wouldn't that be in violation of the ACT-IV treaty?
Amy: Do I look like an international diplomat to you? (Beat) On the other hand, it could just be sunspots.
Tech Dude 2: Sunspots?
Amy: You know, those little things that disrupt communications once or twice every year?
The Tech Dudes sigh.
SCENE 029 - EXT. LAWNDALE COUNTY JAIL, DAY
Trent is standing around in front of the building, holding his guitar. A guy sitting on the bench in front of the building is listening to a boombox.
Radio Announcer: Scientists at the Strategic Space Command have detected a mysterious radioactive cloud descending southward across the central United States. Citizens are advised to avoid walking outside without lead breastplates until such time as the cloud can be more fully analyzed. (Beat) And now, back to three great classic rock songs in a row...
The song "Carry on Wayward Son" by Kansas begins playing, before the guy with the boombox turns it off with a look of disgust. The Typhoons' tour bus pulls up and stops in front of the jail. Amy, Daria, and Jane depart from the bus, and walk towards Trent.
Jane: Trent! You're actually awake. And it's only two in the afternoon.
Trent: I figured it might be a good idea to be on time.
Amy: And you were right. It looks like I might need an extra hand sooner than I thought.
Trent: It was good of you to call me. (Beat) But why did you have me meet you in front of the jail?
Jane: We have to bail dad out. Do you remember reading about what happened last night in the papers?
Trent: Uh...
Daria and Jane roll their eyes; it's obvious Trent never saw the paper.
Jane: Never mind.
She and Amy set off for the inside of the jail, leaving Daria alone with Trent. And we can tell she's pleased as punch about this.
Trent: Hey, Daria. (Beat) What did dad do last night, anyway?
She sighs.
Daria: Tell me, Trent - what do you know about water pistols?
SCENE 030 - INT. JAIL
A guard lets Jane and Amy into the cellblock.
Guard: Third cell on the left. The guy in the polka dot pajamas.
Amy: Thanks.
Amy heads on over to the cell, Jane following along at close range. Vincent's lying on the bunk, humming something to himself.
Jane: Dad?
Vincent (Singing to himself): Carry on my wayward son...
Jane: Dad?
Vincent (Singing to himself): There'll be peace when you are done...
Amy watches this with a look of mild amusement, especially when Jane sticks her head up against the bars and screams.
Jane: HEY DAD!
Vincent: What? (He looks around, and sees Jane) Oh, hello, Jane. What are you doing here?
Amy: We've come to bail you out.
Vincent: After that assault by water pistol?
Amy: I figured, what the hell. It's not every evening I get attacked by a man with a Super Soaker. Besides, you remind me of someone I used to know.
Jane takes a step back, knowing Amy well enough by now to be somewhat wary of her in this particular situation.
Vincent: Gomez Addams?
Amy (Wistfully): No... Rudolfo.
Jane starts banging her head against the wall, in combination irritation and vague disgust as she realizes Amy's falling for her pop.
Vincent: Why does that name sound familiar?
Amy: Rudolfo the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
He chuckles, she smirks, and Jane continues to bang her head against the concrete bricks, more-or-less forgotten for the time being.
Amy: You wouldn't happen to be from Dover by any chance, would you?
Vincent: Actually, I would. But I didn't stay there long; I was adopted.
Jane quits banging her head against the wall now, and decides to try and interrupt this particular line of thought.
Jane: Uh... Amy? Can we get this over with? We do have a news conference to hold, do we not?
Amy: Oh... uh... yeah. (Beat) And give him your red shirt, Jane.
Jane: Why?
Amy (Drily): Because you're perfect.
Jane: Really?
Amy: No. Because no person in their right mind would be caught dead outside in pink-and-yellow polka dot pajamas.
Jane: Good point.
Amy (To the guard): Let this guy out of the cell, would you? I'll be responsible for him.
Vincent: I promise not to bite.
Amy: Awww...
Jane looks a little more disgusted as she removes the red outer shirt and passes it through the bars to her father, who's looking at Amy and not even noticing the shirt.
SCENE 031 - EXT. LE GRAND HOTEL, NIGHT
Two guys in suits who look suspiciously like Mr. DeMartino and Kevin (without the football uniform) walk through the front door.
SCENE 032 - INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Daria, Tom, Secretary Weller, Amy, Ms. Barch, Trent, an unknown woman, and Vincent are on the stage section of the room. In the audience, we see Kevin and a whole bunch of reporters and military brass. Mr. DeMartino is nowhere to be found. On the table, a big beaker covered with a red cloth, a small metallic-like object that looks like a gyroscope, and a rock sit amidst the microphones.
Weller: I'd... uh... kind of like to get this moving along. In case some of you failed to notice it, we've got a Harley-Davidson convention roaring in here later tonight, and we're a little short of time. (Beat) Besides, I don't think anyone's here tonight to listen to me talk.
He smiles. No one laughs at the joke.
Daria: You're right about that, Mr. Secretary.
The military men in the audience start laughing hysterically, and Daria has one of her famous half-smiles on her face as Weller angrily unplugs her microphone.
Weller: So, without any further adieu, I'd like to... uh... introduce the young woman who took our notions of reality and turned them topsy-turvy yesterday afternoon... Doctor Amy Barksdale.
Amy stands up, and receives a little bit of attention from the male reporters in the audience.
Amy: Mr. Secretary, Senator Barkin...
The previously-unidentified woman nods.
Amy: ...members of the world press...
SCENE 033 - EXT. SPACE
The alien spacecraft from before is floating over Texas, eavesdropping on the speech Amy is delivering.
Amy (O/S): Twenty years ago to the day, I realized what it was I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a supermodel. But, since my parents were too busy lavishing attention on my older sisters and trying to cover their asses from the British government, I changed my mind and decided I'd rather talk to the aliens, instead. With one catch, of course.
SCENE 034 - INT. ALIEN SPACECRAFT
The "Wing Commander" sits in a high chair and listens to Amy's speech through a loudspeaker. Crew members go about their enigmatic duties in the background. All the aliens look like refugees from the latest Alien Nation television movie, with one curious twist - they seem to be made of some sort of flowing material, and have no one precise shape.
Amy (O/S): Why bother contacting aliens on other planets, when there were plenty to go around on Earth? Maybe living inside the table in front of you. Living on an alternate plane of reality from our own.
SCENE 035 - INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Amy: Or maybe even inside a mountain.
Quickly cut to the audience to show Kevin staring at Amy and Ms. Barch. DeMartino is still nowhere to be seen. Cut back to Amy, who is holding the rock in her hand.
Amy: See the rock? It's solid, obviously. But what the hell does that mean?
Trent: Uh... it means it's solid, right?
Amy: Brilliant answer, Trent. (Beat) For all that it looks solid, the actual matter of this rock - the neutrons and protons and quarks - only take up about one quadrillionth of the total volume.
Trent (Curiously): How many zeroes is that, anyway?
Amy: Quite a few, Trent. Quite a few. (Beat) As I was going to say, the rest of this rock is actually empty space. So, back in 1980, Janet here figured that if most of solid matter was actually empty space, than there must be a way to travel into that empty space. In short, a way to travel inside things. And so she managed to build a prototype of a machine that might be able to do just this, but it took her twenty years. Of course, the one time she tested it, disaster struck, and her then-boyfriend - an English teacher named Timothy O'Neill...
A reporter interrupts.
Reporter 1: Excuse me, but isn't that the same Timothy O'Neill who just...
Amy: ...broke out of New Bedlam? Yep. Guess the strain of having to grade too many essays about Richard III finally got under his skin. (Beat) In any event, O'Neill got sucked into the portal and went nuts.
Assorted chuckles from the audience. Barch stands up, taking with her the gyroscoping thing.
Barch: The Barksdale Institute finally found the way to phase between dimensions correctly, using this little gadget here that's called a Vibratory Transport-O-Tron.
She holds it in the air, and it starts beeping. Cut to the audience, where Kevin is now staring at her quite intently, as if he could understand what they were talking about. Cut to a reporter.
Reporter 2: And... uh... how does this Transporter work?
Cut to Barch.
Barch: Well, it systematically reorders matter by annihilating electrons and positrons.
Cut to Vincent, who looks like he's on the verge of an epiphany.
Amy (O/S): Or, in other words, it takes everything apart and puts it back together ass-backwards.
Vincent: Oh, I get it. What you're saying is that oppositely-charged particles collide and blow each other up, right?
Cut to Amy, who's looking at Vincent in a whole new light. She's impressed.
Amy: Uh... Yeah. (Beat) Nice work.
Vincent: Thanks.
He looks at her meaningfully. She returns his look for a moment, before continuing with "the lecture."
Amy: By all accounts, it seems like I went right through the mountain. But you could blow that mountain into millions of tiny chunks, and never find this gross little thing. I call it a Lunchbug. (Beat) Don't ask.
She whips the red cover off of the beaker, revealing the suction-cup creature from the car.
Amy: This little sucker came out of that mountain in Nevada with me, but I wasn't ever inside that mountain.
Jane: Of course not. You were inside the space that the mountain occupies.
Amy: More or less, that's right.
One of the two tech guys from the bus wanders onto the stage from the back, and walks over to Amy.
Tech Guy 2: President's calling for you, Amy.
Amy: The president of what, Ed?
Tech Guy 2: The United States.
Amy: Figures. Damned bureaucrats never leave you alone. No offense, Secretary Weller.
She hands the rock to Daria.
Amy: Here you go, Daria.
Daria: Just what I always wanted - a rock.
Cut to a P-O-V shot of someone behind the curtain in back of the stage, as we watch Amy turn away from Daria.
DeMartino (Into a communicator): It's almost time for the grab, Kevin Treehugger. (Beat) The name is pronounced Boogay. Boogay!
Cut back to Amy, who turns to the Tech Guy.
Amy: So... where is he?
Amy and the T.G. walk towards the rear exit of the stage.
Tech Guy 2: You know, I can't tell. It's really fuzzy, like you'd get with sunspots.
Amy: So you finally learned what those are, eh?
Tech Guy 2: Very funny. (Beat) I patched him through to one of the payphones down the hall.
They pass Vincent, and the Transport-O-Tron beeps again. He picks it up and turns around.
Vincent: Oh... uh.. Amy? You forgot your vibrator.
Amy (Turning to him with a smirk): Why don't you hold onto it for a while. Maybe it'll shake loose some other astonishing scientific insights.
Vincent: Sure... anytime, I guess.
He stares at her retreating form as she and the Tech Guy head off down the hall. We see Jane pass by on her way out, as well.
Barch: Could we have the first slide, please?
Reporter 1: But what about the Pentagon?
Weller is not paying the slightest bit of attention, and Daria elbows him in the ribs.
Daria: You're up.
Reporter 1: Is there a possibility of war with these creatures from the Twelfth Dimension, Mr. Secretary?
Cut back to the audience, where Kevin is beginning to look a little nervous.
Weller: Huh?
Daria rolls her eyes.
SCENE 036 - INT. SERVICE CORRIDOR
Amy, Jane, and the Tech Guy walk towards a phone booth. Amy enters and picks up the phone.
Tech Guy 2: I gotta warn you, though - it seemed like a strange connection to me, even back at the bus.
Amy: Mr. President? Hello? President Landon? (Beat) Damned static interference.
SCENE 037 - INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP
The "Wing Commander" listens in as Amy speaks, as the aliens have tapped into the phone line.
Amy (O/S): Jesus, Ed... this is the best you can do with the signal? It sounds like a modem. What am I paying you for, anyway?
SCENE 038 - INT. SERVICE CORRIDOR
The T.G. shrugs.
Tech Guy 2: I don't know, but it is helping put my kids through college.
Jane: Could it be a prankster, ya think? Maybe some sort of hacker out for a good time.
Tech Guy 2: With an elephant bravo clearance?
Jane's mouth moves for a second, without any sound coming out.
Jane: Damn.
Tech Guy 2: And certainly not with alpha clearance.
Amy: That goes without saying. (On the telephone) Hello? Hello? Is there anybody in there? (She shrugs) The hell with it. Ed, get your ass out to the bus and reroute this to President Landon's private suite at Walter Reed.
The T.G. departs just as Tom and Trent round the corner.
Jane (Calling after him): Make sure this is on the level, damn it!
Amy: On the level? (Beat) You really like being able to talk like a cop, don't you, Jane?
Jane: It's my whole life philosophy - What the Hell Would Sipowicz Do?
Trent (To Jane): Janey, does the President call her a lot?
Jane: Nah. It's usually the Prime Minister of Britain looking to collect, or the Premiere of Russia begging for a loan.
Trent: Oh. Cool.
Amy (Drily): Would you mind keeping it down, you two? I'm expecting a very important phone call.
Jane (Equally drily): Yes, mom.
Amy shuts the door.
SCENE 039 - INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP
The "Wing Commander" pushes a button.
SCENE 040 - INT. SERVICE CORRIDOR
A spark arcs between Amy's ear and the phone's receiver. She grimaces slightly, and her hair stands on end. Tom shoulders the door open and steps in to pull Amy out. The second he touches her, sparks fly and he drops her to the floor.
Amy: Pencil.
Jane: Fascinating, captain. She appears to want a writing utensil.
Amy: Pencil. Pen. Anything I can jam in your neck once I'm done writing with it would work just fine.
Trent produces a pen from his pocket and hands it to her. He, too, gets shocked. Amy starts frantically scribbling something on her hand.
Jane: What's she writing?
Tom: The Magna Carta?
Trent: 867-5309?
Amy drops the pen, finished with her insane scribblings.
Amy: To the conference room!
SCENE 041 - INT. SPACESHIP
The "Wing Commander" is still eavesdropping.
Amy (O/S): Now, people! (Beat) And not ONE WORD about my hair. Do you understand me?
Alien Wing Commander: Launch the monkeypod, man.
A crew member to his right pushes another button.
SCENE 042 - EXT. SPACE
An object greatly resembling a flying monkey is released from the side of the spaceship and begins its descent to Earth.
SCENE 043 - INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Amy emerges from the fire exit, and stares at the audience.
Amy: There it is!
Jane emerges from the back, and Daria gets to her feet.
Amy: Can't you see it?
Jane: What? That fat biker?
Amy points right at Kevin, and we now see him for what he really is - another one of those plastic-esque creatures.
Amy: Not Antonio. Him! A Red Plastoid from the Twelfth Dimension! Evil! Evil!
Kevin takes off running, and Amy gives chase. Jane and Daria stare at each other.
Jane: Did she get her coffee this morning?
Daria: I think so. (Beat) What happened back there, anyway?
Amy (O/S): Plastoid! Get it! Get it!
Kevin (O/S): Oh, man! Earth sucks!
The audience begins to panic, and several - Secretary Weller included - flee the room in all directions. Barch gets to her feet from the table, and begins to walk after Amy, but DeMartino decides to make his big appearance and jumps out from behind the curtain brandishing an Uzi. He grabs Barch by the throat, and holds the gun to her head. Vincent, meanwhile, grabs the Transport-O-Tron and sticks it in his pocket.
Jane: I'll tell you later.
Daria: Good plan.
DeMartino: NOBODY move, or the TEACH gets it!
Jane: Does this count?
She draws her guns. DeMartino - already in the process of dragging Barch back through the curtain, pays her no mind.
SCENE 044 - INT. SERVICE CORRIDOR
Amy is tailing Kevin down the corridor, her six guns locked, cocked, and ready to rock. She follows the Plastoid all the way down the corridor, down a ramp, and outside, where we see DeMartino toss something into the back of a white van, as well as two workmen unloading Harley-Davidsons from a truck. Kevin gets in the van, and it pulls away. Amy holsters her guns and hops on one of the unloaded Harleys. She peels out at top speed, the tires chirping on the asphalt, her hair flying in the wind.
Workman 1: Hey! Wait a minute! You can't ride that!
Workman 2: It's Amy Barksdale!
SCENE 045 - EXT. ROAD, NIGHT
The van tears down the road at high speed, with all of the revving engines and squealing tires that implies.
SCENE 046 - INT. SERVICE CORRIDOR
Tom rounds a corner, his own guns drawn. He comes face to face with Jane. They point their automatics at each other.
Jane: Freeze!
Tom: Hold it!
The guns are lowered once they recognize each other.
Jane: You find her?
Tom: Does it look like it?
Jane: Well, that's just peachy.
SCENE 047 - EXT. ROAD, NIGHT
Amy on the road. Her hair's still trailing behind her, virtue of not having a helmet at this moment. By all accounts, she's lost the van, and continues on after pulling a tight U-turn in the road.
SCENE 048 - EXT. WOODS
Two rather familiar-looking morons in AC/DC and Metallica t-shirts appear to be lost in the woods.
Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. We're, like, lost.
Butt-head: Huh huh, huh huh. That sucks.
Beavis: Yeah. Mheh. (Beat) Where is that butt-munch camp counselor, anyway?
Butt-head, about to reply with undoubtedly brilliant words, is interrupted by the monkeypod flying overhead. It appears to be experiencing great turbulence, and after wavering for a while, takes off deeper into the woods. We hear a loud crash.
Butt-head: That was cool.
Beavis: Yeah, cool. Heh heh, heh heh.
They go off deeper into the woods, in the direction of the monkeypod.
SCENE 049 - INT. VAN
DeMartino drives, while Kevin sips battery acid from a Duracell through a straw and listens to the radio. In the background, we see Barch pounding on the window, trying to escape.
DeMartino: Once we get BARCH to cough up the MISSING CIRCUIT, we can finally get OFF of this stinking ROCK!
Kevin: Hey, Kevin Bugeye, listen to this. Sonar sounds cool.
There's a pinging noise being emitted from the radio. An evil grin spreads across Bugeye's features.
Bugeye: A Green Plastoid emergency beacon.
Kevin: On Earth? But why, Kevin Bugeye? Why?
Bugeye: Your STUPIDITY amazes me, Kevin Kewbee. They must have HEARD that Kevin TREEhugger escaped. Where's their location? Give me a FIX!
Kewbee offers the battery - straw included - to Bugeye.
Bugeye: NOT while I'm DRIVING, you IMBECILE!
Kewbee: Oh. (Brightly) Oh! (Beat) Electromagnetic radiation off of Interstate 79.
Bugeye's evil grin returns, and he starts chuckling evilly again. Kewbee tries to join in, but Bugeye fixes him with an evil stare.
SCENE 050 - EXT. ROAD, NIGHT
As Bugeye executes a bootlegger's turn in the middle of the road, Amy approaches on the Harley. She gets clipped by the van, and the motorcycle (with her attached) goes roaring off into the woods on the side of the road.
SCENE 051 - EXT. CRASH SITE
Beavis and Butt-head are approaching the tree where the monkeypod has come to rest. Smoke drifts down from the tree.
Beavis: Heh heh, heh heh. Fire!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Huh huh, huh huh.
Beavis picks up a stick, and starts poking at the giant pod in the tree with it. Sparks start raining down, the pod not long afterwards. They dimwitted duo jumps back.
Beavis: Mheh, heh heh, heh heh.
Butt-head: That was cool.
A hatch in the monkey's head opens, and a dude with a bright orange mohawk sticks his head out of the top. With an inhalation of air, he starts climbing out of the pod.
Beavis: Check it out! There's something, like, coming out of its head.
Butt-head: Huh huh, you said coming.
Beavis: Shut up, buttmunch.
In the distance, we hear a siren that gradually comes closer throughout the remainder of the scene. The mohawked dude is now standing on the pod. Beavis takes the stick and prepares to poke.
Beavis: Hey, dude, are you like, from another planet or something?
Mohawk Dude: No, mon. Different dimension.
Beavis pokes him. The dude slips, cries out, falls to the ground, and bangs his head on a rock. Beavis and Butt-head gather around the body.
Butt-head: He's like, dead, or something, Beavis.
Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head! His head is melting!
Butt-head: Whoa. Cool! Huh huh, huh huh.
Cut upwards to reveal another dude emerging from the top of the monkey's head. This one looks a lot like Mack would if he had an orange mohawk, and he carries a pink donut box. He climbs down and sneaks away into the woods, unnoticed by Beavis or Butt-head. Cut back to them.
Beavis: I dare you to poke it in the eye.
Butt-head: What's this?
Beavis: What, dickweed?
Cut to a shot of the latest issue of Amy Barksdale, from Marvel Comics.
Butt-head: It's that singer chick's comic.
Beavis: She's a total babe.
Butt-head: Yeah. Huh huh, huh huh.
SCENE 052 - EXT. WOODS
Amy sits on the motorcycle in the bushes. She pulls a walkie-talkie out of her leather jacket pocket, and proceeds to... well... use it.
Amy: Come in, Daria. Do you read?
SCENE 053 - INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Daria is receiving loud and clear, and we get a quick look around. Jane is sitting at the table, playing with the thing in the beaker. Trent - as usual - is asleep in a chair. Vincent's... well... humming, again. Tom just looks bored.
Daria: Only since kindergarten.
SCENE 054 - SPLITSCREEN
Amy: Ah, my favorite niece. Who's this?
Daria: This isn't really a good time. (Beat) And I'm getting a lot of static on this end.
Amy: Mea culpa. I was ionized, but I think I'm okay now. (We hear the sound of another little shock.) Or maybe not. That last one really hit the spot, though.
Daria: Um... Thanks for sharing.
Amy: I'm activating the homing beacon now, with two-minute intervals. Which means you need to get off your lazy asses and come get me.
Daria: Yes, mistress. We've got the Transport-O-Tron, so you don't need to worry about that. (Beat) Are you ever going to change the name of that thing to something less stupid?
Amy: To what? Oscillation overthruster?
Daria: I see your point. In any event, Janet got shanghaied by some guy who looked just like my old history teacher.
Amy: The devil you say. (Beat) Didn't anyone ever tell you that your teachers came from other dimensions?
Daria: Well, yes, but I always ignored them. I thought it was toxic waste dumps. (Drily) You don't suppose that O'Neill had anything to do with this, do you?
Amy: I'd bet my Nobel on it.
She appears to be lost in thought for a moment.
Amy: She must be in the back of that van...
Daria: Van?
Amy: Never mind. Get out to the bus and find my coordinates. Then, go upstairs to the suite, and find out everything you can about Lawndale Propulsion Systems.
Daria: Do I have to?
Amy: Well, it's either that, or I shock some sense into you the next time I see you.
Daria: Point taken.
SCENE 055 - EXT. CRASH SITE
A highway patrolman is standing over the body of the mohawked guy. Beavis and Butt-head are doing general clowning around behind him. The cop points at a tarp lying next to his car.
Cop: Hand me that thing, will ya?
Beavis: He said thing.
Butt-head: Huh huh, huh huh.
The Lawndale Propulsion Systems van pulls up, and Bugeye and Kewbee emerge. They walk towards the monkeypod.
Cop: Who are you guys?
Bugeye: Kevin Bugeye, head of operATIONS, Lawndale ProPULSION Systems. This is my associate, Kevin Kewbee.
He hands his wallet over to the cop, to show him the I,D. card it contains.
Bugeye: That THING is one of our birds.
He points at the pod.
Cop: Oh, yeah? Is that one of your birds, too?
The cop points at the body in the grass, which is now little more than a puddle of liquefied plastic.
Bugeye: You mean the DROID?
Beavis is now staring at Bugeye, in particular his eye, which has an unfortunate tendency to bulge every time he overstresses a syllable.
Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head. His eye, like, bulges.
Butt-head: Bulges. Huh huh, huh huh.
Cop: That doesn't look like any droid I've ever seen.
Beavis: Hey, eye dude! Do it again!
Bugeye: To what ACTION do you refer, MONKEY boy?
Butt-head: Do the eye thing.
Beavis: Mheh, heh heh, heh heh. Yeah. Do it. Heh heh, heh heh.
Bugeye groans loudly, and turns back to the cop.
Cop: What is this thing, anyway?
Bugeye: A three-being monkeypod.
Cop: A three-being what?
Bugeye: VERY top secret. Isn't that RIGHT, Kevin KEWBEE?
Kewbee: Yeah. Like, what he said.
Bugeye: Very GOOD.
SCENE 056 - INT. BUS
The Comm Center. Daria and Tom are huddled in front of the monitors radiating Amy's location, approximately ten miles south of Lawndale's city limits. T.G. 2 and Jane are also present, the T.G. behind another computer and Jane looking bored in the background.
Daria: She hasn't moved in three minutes.
Tom: Must be a fix.
Daria: We'd better get someone over there. Ed, get the last known coordinates. Jane, get on the radio and see if we've got any Cheese Fries in a thirty-mile radius.
Jane: Aye, aye, admiral Morgendorffer.
Daria: And no strike teams. Do you understand, Jane? No - strike - teams...
Jane: You're no fun.
SCENE 057 - EXT. CRASH SITE
Amy sneaks up on the back door of the van, while in the background we can see Beavis going into Cornholio mode. Amy tests the door. It's locked, of course, so she pulls a lock pick out of her jacket pocket and goes to work. Cut to the group around the monkeypod.
Beavis: I am the Great Cornholio! I need T.P. for my bunghole!
Bugeye: GAH! They make YOU seem SMART, Kewbee!
Kewbee: Thanks.
Butt-head: Huh huh, huh huh.
Bugeye: AAAGH!
He clenches his fists in rage and brings them up to the sides of his head. Cut back to Amy, who has now finished picking the lock and has opened the door.
Amy: Never fear. I is here.
Barch: Took you long enough.
Amy extends her hand to help Barch out, but yet another big spark is released. The former teacher is thrown back into the van, while our heroine ends up on her ass on the ground.
Amy: Damn ionization.
SCENE 058 - INT. BUS
The Comm Center. Jane is now on the radio.
Jane: Repeating... Calling all Cheese Fry Irregulars in central Texas.
SCENE 059 - INT. DEN
Cousin Erin ("I Don't") sits in front of the radio, receiving the message.
Jane (O/S): Amy's in trouble. Will repeat coordinates.
Erin picks up the microphone.
Erin: This is Erin Danielson, Cheese Fry Irregular HB88. Hang on.
She gets up from the radio, and wanders out into a living room where we see Rita lying on a couch, massaging her temples.
Erin: Mother? Aunt Amy's in trouble.
Rita: So what else is new? If she can get into trouble all by herself, she can damned well get out of it by herself.
Erin: Mother... she's your sister.
Rita: Try telling her that sometime.
Erin sighs.
SCENE 060 - INT. VAN
Barch sits on the edge of the back, preparing to get out. Amy stands outside, by the door.
Amy: Aliens from the Twelfth Dimension, Janet. I'm seeing them now.
Barch: You can see them, eh? How'd they get here?
Amy: Beats the hell out of me, but the jerks driving this van are two of them.
She holds up her hand, and waves it at Barch, the formula on it facing towards the teacher.
Amy: Look at this. What is this?
Janet: Uh... it's your hand, Amy.
Amy: I know that. But what's the formula mean? I think it's some kind of antidote, but I don't know. Whoever was on the other end of that phony call from President Landon gave me information. Lots of it. And some sort of electrochemical message that lets me see these things for what they really are.
Barch: What are they, anyway?
Amy: Plastoids from planet 41˝ by way of the Twelfth Dimension. What else would they be? Evil Elvis clones?
SCENE 061 - EXT. CRASH SITE
The cop finally gives Bugeye his wallet back.
Bugeye: We've got a TRUCK on the WAY to help mop this UP. (Beat) This whole area's becoming a ZOO, not to MENTION a haven for GAWKERS.
Bugeye and Kewbee walk over towards the monkeypod.
Bugeye: We'll just go aHEAD and BUST it down.
Cop: Don't touch it! That's an order! I've got my own help on the way.
The cop walks back to his car.
Beavis: Heh heh, heh heh. He said bust.
Butt-head: Huh huh, huh huh.
Bugeye's reaching the breaking point, but he's not quite there yet.
Bugeye (To Kewbee): Find something to crack it open.
Kewbee starts off, looking for a stick or some such thing.
Butt-head: Huh huh, you said crack.
Beavis: Mheh heh heh, heh heh, heh heh.
Butt-head: Huh huh, huh huh.
Beavis: Heh heh, heh heh.
Bugeye reaches into his pocket, and produces a tazer-like device. He shoots Beavis with it, and two electrodes attach to his neck.
Bugeye: I can't TAKE it anyMORE!
He presses a button, and Beavis gets shocked. With every word he overstresses, he presses the button again, and Beavis gets shocked again.
Bugeye: Why, oh WHY wasn't I born during a QUISLING EPIDEMIC? Why did I HAVE to grow up BIG and STRONG so I could be surrounded by MORONS? WHY?!
He presses another button, and the electrodes withdraw.
Beavis (Weakly): That, like, hurt, dickweed.
Bugeye: I feel SO much BETTER now.
Butt-head: Whoa. He, like, totally shocked you Beavis.
Beavis (Weakly): Heh heh, heh heh... I... am... Cornholio...
He passes out.
SCENE 062 - INT. VAN
Barch still sits on the edge of the van's back.
Amy: There's a Harley in these bushes. I want you to take it and get back to the lab in the suite, and get to work on this (waving her hand) formula. Synthesize it, damn it!
She starts to leave.
Barch: Uh... Amy? Give me the formula.
Amy: Oh, sorry.
She looks at her hand for a moment, then licks the palm and sticks it on Barch's forehead. There's a buzzing sound, and the formula is stamped on the forehead with a flash.
SCENE 063 - INT. HOTEL SUITE
It's the team's full-time penthouse on the top floor of Le Grand Hotel. Helen sits behind a desk, arguing with someone on the telephone, when the door opens. Daria, Jane, Trent, and Vincent all enter, and Helen trails off in the conversation.
Eric (On the phone): Helen? Helen?
She hangs up.
Helen: Where's Amy? She's not with you?
Daria: No, mom. She's... uh... currently preoccupied. This is Jane's dad. I think he'll be staying with us for a while.
Vincent: Pleased to meet you. My name's Vincent.
Helen: I'm Helen Morgendorffer. (Beat) You wouldn't happen to have heard the name Rudolfo before, would you?
Vincent: Why does everyone ask me that?
Jane: Later, dad.
Daria, Jane, and Trent move on into the next room. Helen stops Vincent, though.
Helen: Team members only.
SCENE 064 - INT. COMPUTER ROOM
The next room over. Daria, Jane, and Trent enter. Jake Morgendorffer is (gasp) sitting behind one of the many computers.
Jake: Damn it! Stupid ghosts! Get out of my way!
Daria: Uh, dad?
Jake looks around, before sighting Daria.
Jake: Hey, kiddo. Did you cool cats lay down backing vocals tonight?
Daria: I wish it were that simple.
Jake notices the room's other occupants.
Jake: Jane-o! Trent, my man! How's it going?
Trent: Uh...
Jane: Pretty good, Mr. Morgendorffer.
Daria sits down at one of the many terminals, and begins hacking away.
Daria: Let's see... Lawndale Propulsion Systems...
Jake: Cheap bastards!
Jane: You're familiar with them?
Jake: They used to be one of my clients.
Daria types away.
Daria: And here we go.
Cut to the computer monitor, as everyone gathers around. The screen reads: "Lawndayl Porpulzhun Sistemz. The fyooture beeginns layter."
Jane: And these guys are a government contractor?
Daria: And way behind schedule on that new bomber they owe the Defense Department.
Jane: God bless America.
SCENE 065 - EXT. CRASH SITE
Amy watches from behind a tree as Kevin Kewbee smashes at the monkeypod with a stick. Beavis is still down for the count, and we see Butt-head lying next to him, also unconscious.
Bugeye: Again, Kewbee. AGAIN!
SCENE 066 - INT. MONKEYPOD
A Green Plastoid - who looks like Kewbee only bright green - named Kevin Owmynose watches the wall shake as it is hit from outside. He seems to be injured.
Kewbee (O/S): Isn't there a crowbar in the truck, Kevin Bugeye?
Bugeye (O/S): I'll go GET it!
SCENE 067 - INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP
They are in communication with the monkeypod. The sound of the wall being pounded on is audible.
Alien Wing Commander: Destroy yourself, Kevin Owmynose. Set the detonator, and try and take those bastard Red Plastoids with you.
Owmynose: The detonator is set, Kevin Drinksalot. Please give my apologies to my homeland and my loved ones. Kevin Owmyface is dead. He fell on his face. Maybe Kevin Mackdaddy will get through with our message to Barksdale.
SCENE 068 - EXT. CRASH SITE
The cop returns.
Cop: I told you guys to leave that thing alone, and I meant it.
He notices Beavis and Butt-head lying prone on the ground.
Cop: It's about time someone taught those two assholes a lesson. Good job. (Beat) But I'm still going to have to ask you to leave that whatchamacallit alone.
Kewbee approaches the cop, and slugs him in the face. The cop falls. Cut to Amy, behind the tree. She winces.
Amy: That's going to leave a mark.
Bugeye approaches Amy from behind.
Bugeye: Well, well, if it isn't the famous Amy Barksdale?
Amy spins around, and lets him have it in the groin with one well-placed combat boot. He collapses in pain.
Bugeye (Weakly): Ow...
Amy: Maybe that will teach you to sneak up on well-trained women in the middle of the night, you alien bastard.
Kewbee glances over, and sees Amy's retreating form.
Kewbee: Barksdale!
He runs after her, stopping long enough to pick Bugeye up off of the ground. And then the monkeypod explodes, showering debris down on them all. Bugeye seems to have recovered from the kick rather well.
Bugeye: HUSTLE, you moron. HUSTLE.
They take off in chase. Cut to Amy, who's stopped by a chain-link fence by the side of the road. She climbs it, landing handily on the other side. We see Bugeye and Kewbee approach the fence, and then jump over it in a single bound apiece. We hear the sound of a helicopter somewhere in the sky. Amy is now running down the road, and she sees a truck approaching. She runs out into the road and tries to flag it down. Cut to a shot of the driver as seen from Amy's viewpoint - it's another red plastoid. The truck is barreling towards her hard, when a rope ladder appears out of nowhere. Amy grabs it, and is lifted into the air. Pan up to reveal a helicopter climbing away. From the ground, we hear the sound of screeching brakes.
Erin (Over the helo's PA system): You were right, Amy. Those helicopter lessons did come in handy.
SCENE 069 - EXT. LE GRAND HOTEL
Barch pulls up the motorcycle. She gets off, and one of the valets takes it for her. She enters the building.
SCENE 070 - INT. LOBBY
There are quite a few groupies hanging around in the lobby, waiting for the sight of one of the teammates. Barch ignores them, heading straight for the elevator in front of which Upchuck stands watch.
Groupie 1: Hey, isn't that Dr. Barch?
Groupie 2: It is. Quick, Smithers, get my camera.
Groupie 1: Yes, Mrs. Neville.
Upchuck: Good evening, Ms. Barch.
Barch: Out of my way, Upchuck!
She shoves him aside and gets in the elevator.
Upchuck: Grrr... Feisty!
Barch (Muttering): Lousy space monsters abducting me in the middle of a news conference... Need to get to the lab... Damned Upchuck...
The elevator doors close, cutting off all further conversation.
SCENE 071 - INT. COMPUTER ROOM
Daria is continuing the hacking procedure, while Jane looks on. Trent is playing an acoustic guitar, and Jake's gone back to his PacMan.
Daria: These people make Kevin seem smart.
Jane: How do you figure?
Daria: First of all, the password to every single encrypted section of the site is Kevin.
Jane: Kevin?
Daria: Yeah. It makes my life a lot easier, but it's not a good idea for a government contractor. (Beat) Here's their employee database. This should be interesting.
A burst of static from the walkie-talkie positioned to the left of the computer monitor.
Upchuck (On the walkie-talkie): Oh, Daria, my sweet... Ms. Barch just rode in, muttering something about space monsters under her breath and something about the lab.
Daria (Into the Walkie-Talkie): Upchuck, if you call me "my sweet" one more time I am going to personally see to it that you spend the rest of your life shoveling bull dung in Madrid. Do I make myself clear?
Upchuck: Rrrowl!
Jane: Space monsters, my ass. (Beat) They're just pissed-off teachers.
SCENE 072 - INT. LOBBY
The dude who looks like Mack, bearing the donut box, walks into the lobby, and heads for the elevator guarded by Upchuck. He wears a dayglo blue blazer and pink-and-yellow striped pants.
Groupie 3: Hey, man. Nice clothes.
He ignores the dude and continues towards Upchuck.
Upchuck: How may I help you, sir?
Mack: Can you tell me where I might find Amy Barksdale?
Upchuck: That depends... Are you a messenger?
Upchuck reaches out for the donut box, and takes it.
Mack: You don't understand. I need to see Amy Barksdale in person. My name is Kevin Mackdaddy. Identify yourself, now.
Upchuck (In his "swarthy" tone): Cheese Fry Irregular Charles Ruttheimer. (Beat) Sorry, Kevin, everyone needs to see Amy in person. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Mackdaddy turns around, despondent, and heads out of the hotel.
Groupie 3 (O/S): Them's the breaks, dude.
SCENE 073 - INT. COMPUTER ROOM
Daria still sits before the computer, hacking away. Jane turns to Trent, picking up the Transport-O-Tron from a table as she does so.
Jane: Might want to take this over to the lab, Trent. Janet's probably getting nervous.
Cut to the computer terminal, where we see a list of the employees of Lawndale Propulsion Systems.
Daria: Jane? You might want to see this.
Jane: What?
Daria: All of these people... they look like the faculty of Lawndale High.
Jane: But look at the names... Kevin Thanksalot? Kevin Freakazoid? Kevin Firefart? It has to be a practical joke. This can't be the real LPS site, can it?
Daria: I don't know. Here's Kevin Williams, and Kevin Amos.
Jane: And Kevin Small Berries? It's got to be a joke. Besides, why would all of these people look like our old teachers?
Daria: And all have the same first name. Kevin.
Trent: You mean you didn't hear about the teacher thing?
Jane: What teacher thing, Trent?
Trent: Happened last year, while you guys were off on that Asian tour. Most of the teachers just quit one day. Didn't show up for work.
Daria: And when exactly was this, Trent?
Trent: Right after that big blue flame shot through the school. Looked pretty cool at the time.
Trent departs for the lab, carrying the Transport-O-Tron.
Daria: I see. (To Jane) Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Jane: I think so, Brain, but wouldn't that mean someone had a copy of the Transport-O-Tron up and running?
Daria: Or else that gateway from the first experiment never fully closed, and the aliens have been sneaking through the gateway and absorbing the identities and bodies of the students and staff at Lawndale for the last five years.
Jane: Just like something out of a really bad science fiction movie.
Daria stops and thinks for a moment.
Daria: What was that one Sick Sad World episode?
Jane: Which one?
Daria: The one that the producers retracted the day after it aired, for being an "obvious hoax."
Jane considers for a moment, before coming up with it.
Jane: Oh, shit.
Daria: What?
Jane: Invasion of the Red Plastoids, next on Sick Sad World.
Daria: I guess it wasn't a hoax, after all.
SCENE 074 - INT. HOTEL GARAGE, MORNING
The famed jet car rests in a specially-reserved niche, behind five or six different kinds of security measures, all of which are currently deactivated. Earl, the mechanic, is currently blind stinking drunk and sleeping it off, and the intrusion countermeasures are off. Bugeye and Kewbee approach the car, moving with a lot of confidence. Bugeye lashes out and kicks the sleeping Earl in the balls. Earl wakes up, the pain instantly inducing sobriety. At which point Bugeye reaches down and breaks his neck.
Kewbee: If we don't find the Transport-O-Tron, Kevin Treehugger is going to have us for breakfast.
Bugeye: Who says the Grods-damned thing is even here?
Cut to the garage entrance, where we see Kevin Mackdaddy spying on this behavior.
Mackdaddy (Into a transmitter): Red Plastoids are investigating the jet car, Kevin Drinksalot.
Drinksalot (Over the transmitter): Don't worry, Kevin Mackdaddy. Our readings indicate that the Transport-O-Tron is not inside of it.
SCENE 075 - EXT. HOTEL ROOF
We see Erin's helicopter landing.
SCENE 076 - INT. GARAGE
Bugeye is now poking around the jet car. He tests the doors, and discovers that they're locked.
Bugeye: Break the window, Kevin Kewbee.
Kewbee: Why me, Kevin Bugeye?
Bugeye grabs a wrench from the floor next to Earl's corpse and hands it to Kewbee.
Bugeye: Because it might be booby-trapped.
Kewbee: Oh.
Bugeye's face takes on a demonic grin as Kewbee smashes the window. He looks disappointed when nothing happens.
SCENE 077 - INT. HOTEL SUITE
Helen is again on the phone.
Helen: No, I don't know when she's going to be available. (Beat) Besides, didn't you already interview her once?
Amy enters the room at this point, Erin trailing behind her at a respectable distance.
Helen: I'm sorry, you'll just have to try again later.
She hangs up, and turns to Amy.
Helen: And just where have you been?
Amy: You don't want to know, Helen.
Helen: Rolling Stone has called three times asking for an interview with Trent, and President Landon wants you to phone him about that atmospheric disturbance the first chance you get.
Erin: Hi, aunt Helen!
Helen: Oh, hello, Erin. I didn't see you there. How is your mother?
Erin: Ronald just moved out.
Helen: Jake was right. She really does know how to pick them.
Amy: Three questions, Helen. It's been a busy night. One, did Janet get here yet? Two, where the hell is the Transport-O-Tron. Three, where's Vincent?
Helen: Janet's in the lab downstairs. With the overthruster, I think. Vincent... well... he's around here somewhere. I think he went to one of the guest rooms.
The door to the computer room opens, and Jane pops her head out.
Jane: So, Fearless Leader, you have returned. You might want to come in here and take a look at some of the information about Lawndale Propulsion.
SCENE 078 - INT. COMPUTER ROOM
Amy, Daria, and Jane are positioned around a computer. Erin sits in the background, watching Jake play Pac-Man.
Amy: So... (Beat) Kevin Firefart? What the hell kind of a name is that?
Daria: I have no idea. But the whole place is full of people with names like that.
Amy: Any particular reason why?
Jane: Well, as near as we can tell, these Red Plastoid things have been pouring through the gateway left opened by Janet's test back in 2000, taking possession of the bodies of some of Lawndale High's students and staff, and then taking jobs with Lawndale Propulsion.
Amy: Where did you find all of this out?
Jane: Sick Sad World.
Amy (Drily): Some of the best in-depth investigating reporting on the planet.
Cue Upchuck, carrying the donut box.
Upchuck: Never fear, the Chuckster is here.
Jane: Please let me kill him, Amy. Please let me kill him.
Amy: No, Jane. He's the best doorman I've ever hired, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let one of my employees kill him. (Beat) You'll have to hire outside of the organization if you want to do it.
Jane: Damn you and your evil ways, Barksdale!
Amy (To Upchuck): Donuts? For me? Really, Charles, you shouldn't have.
Upchuck: Alas, my sweet, they came not from me, but from some very odd-looking messenger.
Amy perks up, moderately interested.
Amy: What sort of odd are we talking about here? A scar? A tattoo? An eyepatch, maybe?
Upchuck: Try a dayglo blue sports coat, pink-and-yellow pants, a bright orange mohawk, and greenish skin.
Amy: Hmmm... (Beat) But he was a man, right?
Daria: Amy, now is definitely not the time to talk about that.
Amy: Sorry. (Beat) Well, let's see what we've got here.
She takes the box and opens it.
Amy: These have to be the weirdest goddamned donuts I've ever seen.
Jane: Huh?
She walks over to Amy. Cut to an interior shot of the box. Inside is a CD, and several pairs of crudely-constructed goggles.
Jane: I see what you mean.
Amy (To Upchuck): Are you sure he was a messenger?
Upchuck: Well... uh... not exactly.
Amy: And did he say anything to you?
Upchuck: Something about wanting to see you. He said his name was... Kevin Mackdaddy.
Daria: Kevin?
Amy: Now, where have I heard that name recently?
Daria: You might want to find out what's on that disc now, Amy. (Beat) It might be important.
Amy (Drily): That's impossible, Daria. Everyone knows you don't get important messages delivered on CD-ROMs in donut boxes from interdimensional messengers. (Beat) Punch it up.
She removes the disc from the box, and hands it over to Daria.
Jane: What do you suppose the goggles are for?
She finds out the hard way, as the disc gets activated, and the room is suddenly bathed with brilliant white light emanating from the disc drive of one of the computers. Everyone grabs for the goggles, which (somehow) manage to filter out all of the light and reveal the holograph of a person who looks remarkably like Jodie.
Jodie: Salutations, Amy Barksdale. I am Kevin Classpresident, the leader of Planet 41˝. A grave danger confronts both of our worlds, thanks to you and your damned Transport-O-Tron. The hated leader of our military forces, Kevin Treehugger, was overthrown by freedom fighters, tried, and condemned to spend eternity...
Amy: In Hell?
Classpresident: Worse. The Twelfth Dimension. Hell has color television. (Beat) Somehow, he managed to take possession of the body of of one of you Earthlings, and has been planning his escape for years. Now, with the success of your interdimensional journey, you've helped him out. We have discovered he plans to steal your Transport-O-Tron. If he does so, we will have no choice but to blow your planet to pieces before he can succeed. And we will begin by destroying your communication satellites and taking out your power plants, just to show we mean business.
Amy: Hey. Wait a minute.
Classpresident: You have until sundown tonight to stop Treehugger. If you fail, we will be left with no choice but to help you destroy yourselves.
Jane: Sundown tonight? Isn't that a little extreme?
Classpresident: We're the good guys. Otherwise we wouldn't even give you the chance to save your planet. Remember - stop him by sundown or you're toast.
The image - and all of the light - retreats back into the disc drive.
Amy: Just great. We now have somewhat less than twelve hours to stop an interdimensional madman or the whole planet will be destroyed.
Daria: If it's not one thing, it's another.
Amy turns on Upchuck.
Amy (In a dangerous voice): Upchuck...
Upchuck: I swear, Ms. B, I didn't know he was from another planet!
Amy: Find him. Now!
Upchuck: Yes, ma'am.
Amy turns back to Jane.
Jane: Can I kill him now?
Amy: No.
Jane: Damn.
Amy: Call down to the garage. Have Earl prep the jet car for street driving. (Beat) Daria, see how Janet's coming with the formula. Erin, find Tom and tell him to spread the word around to all the local Cheese Fry Irregulars. We're going to Lawndale Propulsion and kicking some Treehugging ass.
Amy turns and starts to walk out of the room.
Daria: And where are you going, Amy?
Amy: I'm going to get my guns.
SCENE 079 - AMY'S BEDROOM
It doesn't exactly look like you'd expect the bedroom of a world-famous scientist, musician, and chef to look. It's almost spartan, really. Vincent's sitting in a chair, calmly reading the newspaper. Amy storms in, and starts poking around, looking for the guns. She doesn't even notice him sitting there. Yet. She looks in a cabinet hanging on the wall, and (lo and behold) two automatics in matching holsters are hanging inside of it. They are removed and put on. A picture sits on a dresser, but we can't see what it's of. Also yet.
Vincent: How's things, Amy?
Amy (Muttering): Where's my damn ammo? (Beat) Huh?
Vincent: How's things, Amy?
Amy: What are you doing in here?
Vincent: Thought I'd have a look around. It's not every day I get a chance to be in the bedroom of a celebrity, you know. I should have brought my camera.
He points at the picture. Cut to the picture, which is of Amy and some guy who looks exactly like Vincent in Hawaii.
Vincent (O/S): Who's that?
Cut back to the room.
Amy: Rudolfo.
Vincent: And why does he look like me?
Amy: Well, as near as I can figure, he's your identical twin brother. And I married him.
Vincent: Really? How interesting.
Amy: But that's over now, and he's gone, and since I'm not much for taking emotional razor blades to old wounds, that's about all there is to say about that.
SCENE 080 - INT. LABORATORY
The laboratory takes up one whole half of the top floor of the building. It's really quite big, needless to say. Barch and a random assistant are bent over a small flask filled with a bright green liquid. Barch paces, lost in deep thought, while the assistant's face is slowly getting closer to the lip of the flask. Trent is snoozing in a chair.
Barch: Hmmm... This is unexpected. It disagrees with all of the usual thermochemical laws... it produces a magnetic force... and it smells like ozone. No, not ozone...
Bugeye pops up behind the assistant and grabs her by the throat.
Assistant: Gurk...
Barch: Janice! No!
She grabs the Transport-O-Tron from the table next to her and manages to escape. Trent sleeps through the whole thing.
SCENE 081 - INT. AMY'S BEDROOM
Vincent is now standing by the dresser, holding the picture.
Vincent: So what happened to this guy?
Amy: He's dead. (Beat) Murdered, actually. A wedding present from Angela Li.
Vincent: Li? The boss of the Lawndale Larceny League, and the former principal of Lawndale High? The bitch in the comics?
Amy: I didn't know you were the sort of guy who read comics.
She sights down a gun barrel at a target on the wall.
Amy: But not the one in the comics. The one out there in the world.
She sighs wistfully.
Amy: He used to call me his little bag of onion rings. It pissed me off at the time, but now I'd give anything to hear him say it again.
Vincent and Amy draw a little closer together, possibly because she's lowered the gun.
SCENE 082 - INT. HALLWAY
Upchuck, out looking for Kevin Mackdaddy, waits in front of the elevator to the lobby. At which point the door opens, and our old friend Kevin Kewbee emerges. Before Upchuck can say anything, he lets loose with a roundhouse right to the face, and friend Upchuck goes down. Kewbee marches around the corner, heading for the door to the Barksdale penthouse...
SCENE 083 - INT. AMY'S BEDROOM
Amy and Vincent are drawing even closer together, looking into each other's eyes and all that mushy stuff. They're about to kiss when Vincent touches Amy's hand. Another bright blue spark.
Vincent: Yow!
He shakes his hand, obviously in pain.
Amy Sorry about that. I got ionized.
Vincent: Shocking.
Tom bursts through the door.
Tom: Amy!
He actually looks around the room, and has the decency to blush a little.
Tom: Sorry.
Amy: Forget about it. What's so important you have to come breaking down the door, anyway?
Tom: Daria sent me to tell you that Earl's dead.
Amy: Oh, no. Not Earl. Those bastards! He was the best mechanic in the country.
Tom: And someone broke into the jet car. Things have gone beyond haywire over at the lab. One of Janet's assistants is dead, and she's disappeared with the Transport-O-Tron.
Amy (To Vincent): Wait here. I'll be right back.
Vincent: Yes, ma'am.
SCENE 084 - INT. HOTEL SUITE
Kewbee busts through the door, and heads through a doorway on the right side of the room. From the sounds of it, Jake is still in the computer room playing PacMan.
Jake (O/S): Damn ghosts! Always keeping Jakie from eating the pluses!
SCENE 085 - INT. LAB
Our intrepid friends on Team Barksdale, minus Helen and Jake Morgendorffer, and Vincent Lane, are gathered around the body of Janice, the fallen lab assistant.
Amy: I guess we can rule out accidental death. (Beat) Spread out. Those plastic bastards can't be too far away.
Everyone files into the hall all orderly-like.
Amy: Okay, people - we've got a few butt-ugly intruders from the Twelfth Dimension, and they're starting to piss me off. Jane, you and Trent take the biomedical labs. Daria, you take the physics wing. Tom, go with Daria. If you see Helen, Vincent, or the Transport-O-Tron, start whistling Dixie and get them the hell out of the way. Any questions?
Trent: Why is this place so big? Looked pretty small from the outside.
Amy sighs.
Amy: Have you ever seen Doctor Who? [1]
Trent shrugs, Amy continues on.
Amy: Any other questions?
Jane: Where are you going?
Amy: Engineering.
The group separates, heading in their own directions. As Jane and Trent move off, Trent is pointing his gun at the ceiling.
Jane: You know, Trent, ordinarily I'd say you should hold that gun out in front of you, like this.
She holds a gun out in front of her, in the appropriate stance.
Jane: But I was in the house that time you tried to become an archer. So just holster the gun, and leave the shooting to me.
She smirks in a "That sounded so cool" kind of way.
Trent: Cool.
He holsters the gun, and they continue on their merry way.
SCENE 086 - INT. CORRIDOR
Amy passes a file cabinet, one drawer opened. She passes a doorway, and we can see Helen struggling with Bugeye. Amy steps inside the room, and points her sidearm at the alien.
Amy: Yo, bugeye! Didn't anyone ever tell you that no one gets to fight with my sister but me?
Cut to a shot behind Amy, where we see Kevin Kewbee sneaking up with some sort of fancy death ray-type weapon.
Helen: Amy! Behind you!
Amy ducks just in time for Kewbee to pull the trigger. A massive dart emerges from the barrel of the weapon, striking Helen in the arm. Amy shoots once at Bugeye, and misses. Bugeye darts through the opening of a large vent. Amy spins and shoots Kewbee in the leg. Bright orange stuff shoots out of the wound. The cannon hits the ground, and we can read the words on the side of it: Trankwilleyesur Kannon. Beneath that, the words Lawndayl Porpulzhun Sistemz can also be read.
Kewbee: Oh, man! That's really not cool!
She shoots him again.
Amy: Tell me about it.
The Plastoid threat dealt with, Amy turns to Helen, who's collapsed against the floor.
Helen: How the hell am I going to explain this to my boss?
Amy: You okay, sis?
Helen: Just let me catch my breath, and I'll be fine. (Beat) If you're looking for Janet, she disappeared into the purification vent. I think she's got the Transport-O-Tron.
Amy: You'll be just fine. Hang on. And not onto the dart, okay?
She winks, and exits through the vent. Helen sighs.
Helen: Why can't that sister of mine think of anybody but herself for a change?
SCENE 087 - INT. BIOMEDICAL LAB
Jane and Trent are passing through quickly, Jane with her guns drawn and a mischievous smirk on her face. They pass various sorts of racks of equipment and bubbling test tubes, eventually coming to a watermelon clamped into some sort of massive machine. Trent eyes it almost hungrily.
Trent: Janey, why is there a watermelon in that machine?
Jane looks over her shoulder for a moment at Trent.
Jane: Thinking about food at a time like this, eh? (Beat) I'll tell you later.
Trent: But...
Jane: Later.
She continues walking forward, and Trent follows with a sigh.
SCENE 088 - INT. HOTEL SUITE
Ms. Barch emerges from the vent in the wall at the same time Vincent emerges from the bedroom, walking nonchalantly along, hands in his pockets, whistling and completely oblivious to the destruction of the doors. We can still hear Jake in the background, whooping it up. Maybe he finally beat the first level. Barch looks at Vincent with a look of resigned hopelessness.
Barch: Take this, you... you... man. It's the Transport-O-Tron. Get it out of here!
Vincent: Huh?
She runs over and dumps it in Vincent's hands.
Vincent: Oh. The vibrator thing.
Barch: Put in your pocket. I don't care. But get out of here with it, before those things come looking for it.
Vincent shrugs, pockets the Transport-O-Tron again, and walks out the doors, calling over his shoulder as he does so.
Vincent: Tell Amy I'll be back later. I'm just going to get my camera.
He walks out the door, at the same moment Bugeye bursts through one of the other doors lining the halls. He grabs "the teach."
Bugeye: Where's your vibrator now, little girl?
She kicks him in the nuts, and he goes down on the ground. She continues to step on him, with every successive word.
Barch: Right (Stomp) here (Stomp) you (Stomp) MAN! (Impressive Stomp).
Bugeye groans, but proves he's tougher than he looks as he starts crawling towards the door. Amy shows up at the broken-down door.
Amy: Janet? You in here?
Barch: Just taking care of a little business, Amy.
She stomps Bugeye again, and he groans. She continues on her way towards Amy and the door, not looking back as Bugeye comes to his feet and limps out of the room.
SCENE 089 - INT. HALLWAY
Vincent is waiting for the elevator. He doesn't seem to have noticed Upchuck, who's lying unconscious on the floor behind him. He's still whistling, and now we can hear the tune - "Ravishing" by Bonnie Tyler. The elevator door pings, and Kevin Mackdaddy is on the other side.
Mackdaddy: Where's Amy Barksdale?
Vincent gestures towards the penthouse with the battered-down doors.
Mackdaddy: Much obliged.
He starts off in that direction, and Vincent boards the elevator, still whistling. Neither pays any mind to Upchuck, who's beginning to come to. Bugeye sneaks out from behind the door, again exhibiting the fantastic healing powers of the Red Plastoids. He gets into the elevator with Vincent, just as Upchuck comes to. Cut to Upchuck's point of view.
Vincent: Nice morning, isn't it?
Bugeye: YEAH!
Bugeye clonks Vincent over the head, and picks him up over one shoulder as the elevator doors close.
SCENE 090 - INT. ENGINEERING OFFICE
Jane and Trent are hovering around Helen, who's obviously feeling the effects of the tranquilizer dart.
Helen: And there were all of these pretty pink bunnies dancing around the flowers.
Jane (To Trent): I'm guessing NyQuil.
Trent: Huh?
Jane: In the dart. (Beat) You remember what happened to Daria that one time? [2]
Trent: Oh, yeah.
Helen: Jake! I'd really like you to get me another glass of wine.
Amy and Ms. Barch enter.
Amy: How's she doing, Jane?
Helen: I do not need drugs for the pain!
Jane: Er... She's kind of loopy, Amy.
Amy looks at the dart, which is lying on the floor next to Helen. Mackdaddy enters, silently watching the proceedings. Amy looks up, and sees Mackdaddy standing there.
Amy (To Mackdaddy): Any antidote for this stuff? She has a meeting in two hours.
Helen: Willow! Pass the joint! I need another toke!
Mackdaddy: None that I know of.
Amy (Drily): Thanks.
Erin enters from a side door, evidently wondering what all the commotion was about.
Erin: What's going on, h - (Beat) Aunt Helen?
Helen: I feel swell-en.
She closes her eyes, and starts snoring almost immediately. Enter Upchuck.
Upchuck: Ms. B! They got that Vincent guy.
Barch: Damn it! I handed the Transport-O-Tron to him. They've got it now!
The sound of a helicopter taking off is clearly audible.
Jane: I'd say that's not all they've got.
Erin: Mother's going to be pissed.
Mackdaddy: Offhand, I'd say your planet's toast.
Daria and Tom enter and look around.
Daria: Do I want to know why my mother's asleep on the floor?
Amy: She got blasted by some tranquilizer dart. (Beat) And the aliens now have both Jane's father and the Transport-O-Tron. But don't worry, we'll get them both back.
Daria: Or die trying.
Amy: Exactly.
Daria: Joy.
SCENE 091 - INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
President Landon is lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to one of those heart monitors. Secretary Weller is standing next to the Prez's bed, talking animatedly. We see two Secret Service agents standing in the background, looking cool with their suits and shades.
Weller: It's not Amy Barksdale per se, Mr. President. It's her team I'm worried about. Some of them are foreigners.
Landon: That's ridiculous, John. I've known Amy and her team for years.
Weller: All I'm saying is that this jet car of hers belongs in the hands of Uncle Sam. And if she won't sell it to us, well... we're just going to have to steal it from her. In the name of national defense, of course.
Knock on the door.
Landon No, John. That's final. (Beat) Come in.
The door opens, and National Security Adviser Jack Daniels walks in, bearing a videophone.
Daniels: Excuse me, Mr. President. Direct transmission incoming from Lawndale.
Landon: Yeah.
Daniels turns the vid-phone on, and Amy's visage appears on the screen.
Amy: How's it hanging, Mr. President? I trust your heart's doing well.
Landon: Just fine, Amy. (Beat) I've been wanting to talk to you about that cloud over the central U.S., and...
Amy: About that... Can I speak frankly?
Landon: It's a little late to worry about that, isn't it? Secretary Weller and National Security Adviser Daniels are visiting, but I don't keep any secrets from them.
Amy: Well, something's reared it's ugly little head on the dimensional plain, Mr. President. And we're right in the thick of it, just like in all of those movies. I've got rather good reasons to believe that red aliens are walking among us - the owners and operators of Lawndale Propulsion Systems.
Landon: The people working on the bomber?
Amy: Who else?
Weller: In the hands of foreign nationals? Preposterous! That Kevin Buggy's as American as I am.
Amy: Whatever you say, Noriega.
On the vid screen, the image pans out to reveal Kevin Mackdaddy sitting to Amy's left.
Mackdaddy: Time's short, Mr. President. In order to prevent Treehugger's escape, a few buddies of mine have taken up a geostationary orbit over Lawndale.
Weller: Huh?
Landon: What's going on here, Amy? Foreign hippie militants invading Lawndale?
Amy: As hard as it is to believe, it's a lot worse than that. The guy you see sitting next to me isn't a man at all, but is in fact a Green Plastoid from Planet 41˝. (Beat) And his spaceship is positioned over Lawndale with a hell of a lot of weapons pointed right at the planet.
Landon: What?!
Mackdaddy: I delivered a message from my own Chief Executive, Kevin Classpresident.
Amy: She was real clear on the subject. Either we destroy Treehugger by sundown, or...
Mackdaddy: Kaboom!
He makes the universal explosion gesture with his hands.
Barch (O/S, on videophone): These things give off a bacteria that we breathe in. It tells our brain cells to see exactly what they want us to see. Chemical brainwashing.
Weller's face takes on a calculating look at these words.
Weller: Chemical brainwashing? Hmmm...
Barch (O/S, on videophone): ...and an electric charge must reverse the process, which is why you can see them for what they really are, Amy.
Amy: So you mean I'm not just special? Awww...
Landon: I don't know what to say, Amy. Plastoids? Planet 41˝? Girls named Kevin? This seems like something out of one of those movies you mentioned.
Jane (O/S, on videophone): Yo, Amy! Plastoid Wing Commander for you.
Amy: Excuse me, Mr. President. The alien boss wants to rap with me.
Mackdaddy waves at the President, and the call is disconnected.
Weller: If it wasn't Amy, I'd say she needs to be committed.
Landon: Don't just stand there, you jackass! Get me NORAD! Get me NASA! And get your own ass out in the field. Do you understand me?
SCENE 092 - INT. BUS
The Comm Center. Daria stares at a monitor with a picture of the Green Plastoid ship on it.
Jane: What's it made out of, anyway?
Daria: You never studied.
Jane: Nope. (Beat) Enlighten me, O great one!
Daria: According to this, it's made out of aluminum, plastic, and electricity.
Jane: I see. (She points at one of the protrusions coming off of the ship.) And these things would be?
Daria: Tactical nuclear missiles.
Jane: Wonderful. Not only are they aliens, but they have a big-ass nuclear arsenal, as well?
Daria nods.
Jane: Oh, well. I was getting sort of tired of living on a planet, anyway.
The telephone rings, and Tom answers.
Tom: Tom's Roadkill Café. You kill 'em, we grill 'em. Tom speaking. How may I help you? (Beat) Amy? It's that Treehugger guy.
Amy turns on the speakerphone, so everyone can hear the thing's words.
Treehugger (O/S): Ah, the great Amy Barksdale.
Amy: Ah, the psychotic Kevin Treehugger.
Treehugger (O/S): How did you know my secret identity?
Amy: Kevin Classpresident spilled the beans.
Cut to splitscreen. We discover that Treehugger is in a back room of the Lawndale Propulsion Systems building. Vincent is tied up in a chair, while Bugeye and a guy who looks like the Spatula Man are pouring honey on him.
Treehugger: Then I guess we know some of the same people, Amy. Like one of your associates... ah... (Beat, to Bugeye) What's his name, Bugeye?
Bugeye: Vincent Lane. (Beat) And the name is Boogay!
Treehugger: Right. A Dr. Vincent Lane.
Amy holds her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone.
Amy: Jane, you never said your father was a doctor.
Jane: He's not.
Amy: So these things are just stupid.
Jane: Like you didn't already know that?
Treehugger: I'd like to congratulate you on your big interdimensional breakthrough. I'm sure - in the miserable anals of the Earth - you will be duly inserted.
Amy: I bet that's real painful. Care to rephrase that?
Treehugger: However, Dr... uh... Lane claims to be unable to solve my problem, and give me the missing circuit for my Transport-O-Tron.
Amy again holds her hand over the mouthpiece.
Amy: I'm guessing they haven't found it yet.
Daria: What gives you that idea?
Treehugger: Maybe you can convince him, Kevin Doeswhateveraspidercan.
The guy who looks like the Spatula Man shakes up a jar containing dead red ants, and smiles. Treehugger holds the phone up to Vincent.
Vincent: Oh. hey Amy - I was just going to get my camera when this goon decided to punch me out in the elevator and kidnap me. How's your day been?
Treehugger takes the phone back with a growl.
Amy: Really, Treehugger - what the hell does he know about your Transport-O-Tron? Does he sound like a scientist to you?
Treehugger: Hmmm... (Beat) Throw him in the Pitt, Bugeye! If you want to see him alive, come to Lawndale Propulsion with the Transport-O-Tron, Barksdale. You know the rest.
He hangs up, and the LPS section goes fullscreen. Treehugger has a cocky look on his face.
Treehugger: She'll come. Her type always comes.
Vincent's face takes on a thoughtful countenance.
Vincent: Really? I didn't know that.
Treehugger: Shut up, fool! (Beat) The Pitt, Bugeye! Now! Use more honey, and find out what he knows.
Bugeye departs, carrying the chair.
Bugeye (Under his breath): ONE of these DAYS...
Treehugger: And bring me more Twinkies!
Bugeye: GAH!
SCENE 093 - INT. BUS
Back to the Comm Center.
Jane: Daria?
Daria: Yes, Jane?
Jane: I take it back. They do make Kevin seem smart.
Daria: Gee, thanks.
Barch: Lousy, good-for-nothing men, even if they are from another dimension. They never even checked his pockets.
SCENE 094 - INT. HOTEL GARAGE
The motley crew is gathered about the jet car, and all save for Amy and Mackdaddy are wearing bright orange vests with breathing hoses attached.
Daria: Would someone remind me again why I'm dressed like a crossing guard?
Amy: That would depend on whether you'd like to be able to see the aliens for what they are, or if you want to spend a lot of time in jail for homicide.
Jane: And it's such a hard decision.
Daria looks at Mackdaddy. She sees a human. She inhales from the mouthpiece.
Amy: If we blow this today, there ain't gonna be a tomorrow to try again.
Trent: Cool lyric.
Daria looks back at Mack, and now she sees a fluidic-featured greenish alien with a slight resemblance to Mackdaddy, who's checking his watch.
Mackdaddy: We've got 240 minutes left.
Trent: "If we blow it today, there ain't no tomorrow / Got four hours left, and no time to borrow."
Jane rolls her eyes.
Amy: Trent? Could we save the lyrics for later, please? This is only the end of the world we're talking about here.
Trent: Sorry. You know how it is. Inspiration.
Amy: In any event, I'm working under the assumption that Treehugger's too stupid to have checked Vincent's pocket, and that he's still got the Transport-O-Tron. And that's my job.
Jane: What? Checking my father's pockets?
Amy: No. Getting him and it out of there in one piece. Your job is to blow Treehugger into the next universe.You know your strike groups. Rock Group - that's you, Daria and Jane - and Roll Group - that's you, Trent and Tom. Mackdaddy, you're rocking with Roll. Odds are that no human being's ever set foot in the place, so who knows what the hell we'll find? The Transport-O-Tron is the top priority, here. Without it, Treehugger and his cronies are trapped.
Amy pulls a little beeping box out of her jacket pocket.
Amy: And this homing device is going to make it very easy to find. Getting it back? That's another story.
SCENE 095 - INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
Daniels is now on the phone. The First Lady and General Miller are also in the room. Landon's still in bed.
Daniels: NASA is now reporting that all major communications satellites are jammed.
Landon: Jammed? By who?
Daniels: They're saying it's probably atmospheric conditions. Or maybe solar flares.
Miller: Solar?
Daniels: The CIA confirms that the Chinese are having the same problems.
Landon: Should we go to code red?
Miller: That would be a mistake, Mr. President. If we go to code red, the Chinese and the Russians go to code red. No sense going off half-cocked, Mr. President.
Daniels: I don't know. Amy Barksdale has never been wrong before.
Miller: The woman's been through solid matter, Jack! Who knows what it could have done to her brain? (Beat) Besides, she associates herself with all sorts of... outsiders. It would be best not to panic until we know for certain what's going on.
Cue power failure, and for a split second the screen is dark before the emergency generator kicks on.
Miller: Mommy!
Landon: What just happened?
Daniels: Uh... I think it was an electromagnetic pulse, sir. Russia and China have just gone to Defcon 2.
Landon: It seems as if we have no choice, then.
Miller: I'm scared, Mr. President!
Michele: Stop acting like a damned fool, Miller! Pull yourself together!
Landon: Thank you, honey. I'm glad someone here has the balls to face the facts.
SCENE 096 - INT. HOTEL GARAGE
Amy's inside the jet car, about ready to drive off to Lawndale Propulsion. Tom has decided to stop by and give her a few words of encouragement.
Tom: Just don't embarrass us in front of the whole universe. Okay, Amy?
Amy: Have I ever? (Beat) Just give me thirty minutes, and then come in and mop up. Okay?
She starts the jet car. It sounds like it needs a new muffler.
SCENE 097 - INT. HALLWAY
Bugeye walks behind Vincent, pushing him towards a door labeled the Pitt.
Vincent: So... you're taking me to a college?
Bugeye: You WISH, monkey boy.
He laughs evilly. Vincent shrugs.
Vincent: Can't be as bad as El Salvador.
SCENE 098 - INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
Upchuck has just finished playing the message from Kevin Classpresident. Daniels is on the phone in the corner, evidently trying to get through to someone.
Landon: Thank you, Charles. That's certainly... food for thought.
Daniels: No answer from Moscow, sir. Just dead silence.
Landon: Then I guess we don't have any other choice.
General Miller produces a few documents from a folder resting on a table, obviously ready for just this kind of situation.
Miller: Here you go, sir. Emergency action documents for your eyes only. All you have to do is John Hancock these, and we're ready to rock.
Michele: On second thought, dear, maybe you should think this through a little more. Perhaps that way future generations of Americans will be able to...
The lights dim and flicker again. The President sighs and takes the documents. Upchuck attempts to peer over his shoulder.
Landon: Declaration of War - the Short Form?
Miller: Something we've been experimenting with at the Pentagon, sir. Less paperwork required.
Landon: Hmmm... Name of enemy... Date... Signature... (Beat) Why do I feel like I'm looking at a field trip permission slip?
SCENE 099 - EXT. ROAD
In the background, we can see the Lawndale Propulsion Systems building. The jet car pulls up to the main gate.
Guard Plastoid: Just go on through, ma'am. Right on into the building.
SCENE 100 - INT. WAREHOUSE
Treehugger stands on a platform high above the floor, while beneath him a whole bunch of Red Plastoids are "listening" to what he has to say. The warlord is obviously attempting to emulate great orators of the past, and failing miserably at it.
Treehugger: Friends... countrymen... Plastoids... lend me your auditory orifaces. The Greens are here, in Texas, and they're coming to destroy us. We must act, or die! Ask not what you can do to help your friends, ask what your friends can do to help you in this time of need. I have a nighttime vision, to escape from this planet in the Great Vehicle, and return to the Twelfth Dimension to help the rest of our comrades, and seize power. What is our greatest joy?
Cut to a shot of the Plastoids. They're sitting around on the floor, eating junk food and generally ignoring him.
Red Plastoids: The joy of killing.
Treehugger: I can't hear you!
Red Plastoids: The joy of killing.
Treehugger: I still can't hear you.
Red Plastoids: The joy of killing!
Treehugger: That's better. (Beat) History? That is made by the night. Character? That's what you are in the dark. Home? That's where you hang yourself. Work? That's what you do when the clock stops ticking.
Red Plastoid 1: Long live lord Kevin Treehugger! Death to the Green Plastoids!
Treehugger: Where are we going?
Red Plastoids: Home.
Treehugger: When are we going there?
Red Plastoids: Whenever we can.
Directed by another guard, Amy drives the jet car into the building.
Guard 2: That's right... just keep it coming... now... stop! Stop! Park it!
Amy climbs out, as a whole slew of Red Plastoids surround the car. Treehugger watches from the platform as the car is searched by Kevin Doeswhateveraspidercan.
Doeswhateveraspidercan: It's not here, Lord Treehugger!
Kevin Bugeye, having returned from the Pitt, walks over to Amy and punches her in the stomach.
Bugeye: And THIS is for that TEACHER of YOURS!
He's about to punch her again, when Treehugger takes the initiative.
Treehugger: No, Bugeye. Take her to... the Tingler!
Amy (Drily): So you have a movie theater in this place, then?
SCENE 101 - INT. "THE PITT"
A shot of Vincent. He's tied to some kind of frame, staring peaceably enough around at his murky surroundings. Pan down his leg, to reveal a tarantula slowly crawling up it. Zoom out, through a television screen, into the next...
SCENE 102 - INT. TINGLER ROOM
Amy is standing in the Tingler, while a helmet that looks suspiciously like an upside-down colander is lowered on her head. On a table to the left of her is the machine used by Treehugger earlier to shock himself.
Amy (With a smirk): Many Shlubbs and Zuuls knew what it was to roast in the depths of the Sloar that day, I can tell you!
Treehugger: No, no - Kevin Shlubbzuul is quite fine. Why do you ask?
Amy: Never mind. (Beat) So what sort of dastardly things do you plan to do to me while I'm in this thing, anyway?
Treehugger: Just solve the equations on the monitor over there...
He points towards one of the many monitors on the wall. "1 + 1 = ?" is easily readable on it.
Treehugger: Using this keypad.
He plays a few notes on it, as it is actually a piano-esque keyboard.
Treehugger: And don't try any funny stuff, either. The Tingler is a lie detector. Any lie triggers a shock to your... whatever the hell those things are.
Amy: So I guess seltzer water and pies in the face are out, then.
Computer Voice: Open circuit, Lord Treehugger.
Treehugger: So? What are you trying to say, you stupid computer?
Amy: It means that the damned thing's operational, you prehistoric imbecile. (Beat) And you're not getting one thing out of me until you let Vincent out of this place.
Treehugger: Curse you, Barksdale! Don't you realize what you're saying?
Amy: No. Why don't you tell me what I'm saying?
Treehugger: Very well. You'd rather stand here and waste time than save your planet?
Amy: It's Monday. Anyone would rather waste time than save the planet.
Treehugger throws a switch, and Amy gets shocked.
Amy: That felt pretty good. Can you do it again for... say... five seconds longer?
Treehugger: I'm gonna get you yet, sucker!
Amy: Buzz off.
Treehugger: Bugeye! More power to her!
Bugeye (Under his breath): BooGAY. BooGAY!
Treehugger: I want my missing circuit, Barksdale! Give it to me! Now!
Bugeye turns the power up, Treehugger flips the switch, and Amy gets shocked again. She screams, but not necessarily out of pain...
SCENE 103 - EXT. LE GRAND HOTEL
The Typhoons' tour bus is sitting in front of the building, where the typical hotel bus rests. Trent sleeps underneath a large umbrella, obviously asleep. A helicopter lands in the road, and drops Secretary Weller off before departing again. Trent looks at the approaching bureaucrat with a look of irritation.
Trent: What do you want, man?
Weller: Is Amy upstairs?
Mackdaddy exits the bus, and waves at Weller.
Mackdaddy: Hello, Mr. Secretary.
Weller: Where is she?
He climbs aboard the bus. Trent calls after him.
Trent: I don't think she's here. She said something about going to that Propulsion place.
SCENE 104 - INT. TINGLER ROOM
Amy has obviously not been cooperative, if the grin on her face is any indication.
Amy: Yo, plastic man! Hit me with some more of that, would you?
Computer Voice: System overload... system overload...
Treehugger: Damned computer!
He snaps his fingers, and Bugeye reluctantly shuts it down.
Treehugger: Why don't you take a look at your boyfriend?
He points to the monitor with the picture of Vincent on it. Vincent has started whistling, and is apparently either uncaring or unaware of the tarantula now resting on his stomach.
Treehugger: He'll live, but only for a while. And she won't enjoy it. Only you can prevent him from having a fate worse than that of your friend, Mrs. Helen. Only you can prevent forest fires.
Amy: Still confusing slogans, eh?
Treehugger: Give me the missing circuit! I want it! I want it, I want it, I want it!
Amy: The missing circuit? I think it's in your head, Treehugger.
Treehugger: Bugeye! Activate the probes!
Bugeye grumbles and throws another switch, and that half-ecstasy, half-agony look returns to Amy's face.
SCENE 105 - EXT. ROAD
The tour bus passes a billboard with a football player in blue and gold saluting the Lawndale Propulsion Systems's logo. At the top is the same phrase as before, "The fyooture beeginns layter," at the bottom, the words "A growing xsighted kumpahnee." The bus pulls up to the main gate.
SCENE 106 - INT. BUS
Weller turns to the Rock and Roll teams, scattered about the Comm Center.
Weller: I'll take care of these turkeys. Slow it down.
SCENE 107 - EXT. LPS MAIN GATE
Kevin Icantbelieveitsnotbutter stands before the bus, looking suspiciously like Bing, the other Mental in the Morning deejay. Weller emerges from the bus.
Weller: Good afternoon. Would you happen to have a phone in that guard shack?
Icantbelieveitsnotbutter: Uh...
Weller: Care to get on the horn and get me Mr. Kevin Buggy?
Icantbelieveitsnotbutter: That's Boogay.
Weller: Oh, hell. Anytime I want to get anything done these days, I have to do it myself.
Weller storms into the shack. Icantbelieveitsnotbutter follows, and grabs the phone before the Secretary can pick it up. Kevin Firefart, who looks a lot like Jamie, is also in the shack. Weller takes a notepad and a pencil out of his pocket.
Weller: What's your name, son?
Icantbelieveitsnotbutter: Kevin Icantbelieveitsnotbutter.
We see the bus drive through the gates through the guard shack window. The guards don't notice.
Weller: Icantbelieveitsnotbutter, huh? And your name is?
He reads Firefart's badge.
Weller: Kevin Firefart? What sort of name is that?
Firefart: It's French, sir. Means flaming methane.
SCENE 108 - EXT. LAWNDALE PROPULSION COMPLEX
The bus pulls to a stop, and the two teams emerge from the bus, packing all manner of heat. They cautiously head for the main building, Daria in the lead. Mackdaddy points down one of the hallways.
Mackdaddy: It's down t