In Search of Amy

"I Don't," aired March 9, 1998

(Shot of the Morgendorffers standing on the front steps of the Windsor Hills Resort. Suddenly, a red convertible drives up.)

QUINN: Wow, who's that?

DARIA: Aunt Amy??

(Cut to a later shot of Amy standing on the front steps with everyone.)

AMY: Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it? I like the way you think, Daria.

(The scene continues with the sound muted.)

VOICE: (offscreen) That was the first time America laid eyes on its favorite cynical sweetheart. (Bt) No, not Daria -- Amy Barksdale. Aka "the Cool Aunt" or "the one relative with whom Daria can get along" or "the only sane relative." And it's also the first episode in which Amy spoke these immortal words...

(Cut to shot of Amy and Daria in the bathroom at the Windsor Hills Resort.)

AMY: Sarcasm -- it's a great way to deal. (puts on a pair of glasses.) But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

DARIA: (smirking) Nah.

(Screen fades to black. Just then a young woman of average height, with dark hair and a fiendish smirk, walks onscreen and faces forward.)

WOMAN: From that moment on, Amy became immortalized in the hearts of Daria fans in a way that few other side characters have...

(The young woman begins to walk past a series of large pictures, each with Amy and Daria on them.)

WOMAN: And tonight, I'm going to escort you through a special that explores not only Amy's popularity, but the making of her soon-to-premiere spinoff show, "Abruptly Amy." I'm Kara Wild, star of... (Pause) well what I starred in isn't important, just as long as I'm qualified to be the host of this program. (long Pause. She slumps over a little.) Okay,okay, the only reason I get to host is because I told MTV I'd work for free. (Bt) But anyway, the point is, I'm here, and this program isn't about me; it's about Amy. So let's begin...

(Shot of Amy, being interviewed by Kara Wild, who sits offscreen. Without her cartoon make-up, Amy looks a little older, with faint lines beneath her eyes. Towards the front of her hair, one can see a notable patch of silver. Amy instinctively reaches up to touch this part of her hair, as if guessing that's where the audience will look first.)

AMY: The artists do a great job covering this up during the episodes. A dab of brown paint, and suddenly I look thirty. (laughs.)

KARA: So what was it like the first time you appeared on "Daria"?

AMY: Well... (giggles.) I was really nervous. Out of, like, thousands of cartoon guest stars, I was the one the producers chose. I kept thinking, "Oh God, I hope I don't screw up!" Or "what if Daria and I have no chemistry whatsoever??" I mean that's kind of important, since I'm supposed to be, like, her as a grown-up.

KARA: So how did it work out?

AMY: Um, pretty damn well, as you can probably guess. (chuckles.) Daria and I clicked right away -- she's not nearly as stand-offish as she comes across on TV. She taught me how to juggle. You wanna see?

KARA: Sure.

(Amy grabs some rubber balls and starts tossing them around in the air.)

KARA: Nice.

AMY: Shall I switch to knives?

KARA: (nervous) Um, no, that's okay...

(Cut to shot of Amy, obviously taken on a later occasion. She's walking her Yorkshire terrier through a park.)

AMY: I bonded with the whole cast. Right away, they urged me to sign a contract to make guests appearances, or to be mentioned on occasion in other episodes. The big break really shot me into the economic stratosphere.

KARA: (offscreen) Really?

AMY: Yep. I was finally able to pay off the lease on my Geo and move out of my parents' basement.

KARA: Great.

AMY: (looking down, blushing modestly) And, of course, there were other benefits...

(She continues to speak, now with the sound muted.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) Amy went on to talk about how it feels to be admired by millions of "Daria" fans. The runaway freight train of her appeal would ultimately serve as a launching pad for her spinoff show. But what are the reasons behind her popularity? I asked some of her costars...

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, sitting for an interview. Daria looks more approachable than she does on her show, while Jane looks angry and impatient.)

DARIA: (offscreen) Um... I would say... Amy's a strong female character. There are a lot of strong females on "Daria," but a lot of them have this real downer side. Helen is too bossy and stressed-out. Ms. Barch hates all men. Linda Griffin is too smug. And mine and Jane's characters complain about life and aren't terribly proactive. Amy is realistic, funny, sharp-minded, attractive, and successful. The perfect package.

KARA: What do you think, Jane?

(Pause)

JANE: (cool) Oh, you don't want to know what I think.

(Daria shoots a meaningful, yet indecipherable, look at Jane. Jane responds with a cold, resolute look of her own.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn and Sandi sitting for an interview.)

QUINN: Well, um... she's, like, got this really cool hair that you could just play with all day long. (Pause. giggles and looks at Kara.) Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I sounded completely like my character just then. (rolls her eyes.) I swear, some days I feel as though Quinn is trapped inside me and is trying to take over my brain.

(She and Sandi share knowing giggles.)

SANDI: Tell me about it. There are evenings where I'll be at home, and my husband'll, like, say to me: "Sandi, could you please stop saying like for five minutes??"

(At the bottom, in bold lettering: "Actual age of Quinn: 23. Actual age of Sandi: 26.")

QUINN: (chortling) Oh geez, you just said it.

SANDI: Said what??

QUINN: Like.

SANDI: Oh no! (She covers her mouth and starts laughing harder.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) Besides talking with members of the "Daria" cast, I sought to get opinions from random fans...

(Cut to shot of a woman walking across a busy city street and stepping onto the crosswalk. Above her head, the name "Lourdes M. Cabrera" flashes onscreen. The camera starts to follow her.)

KARA: (offscreen) Hey! Hey you!

(The woman looks over her shoulder at the camera, and starts running away.)

KARA: Hey, don't worry; I'm not gonna hurt you. (chuckles.) I'm not Tom Green for gosh sake.

LOURDES: (face brightening) You're not? That's a relief. (She stops and turns to face the camera.) So what do you want?

(Cut to shot of Lourdes, a short time later.)

LOURDES: I like the fact that Amy has the guts to speak her mind. That she can see the value that a teenage girl like Daria has and the fact that she always treats Daria with respect.

(Just then, someone named "TAFKA" comes rushing up.)

TAFKA: Hey, I think she's hot!!!!

LOURDES: (nervous) You're not Tom Green, are you?

TAFKA: Do I look like it??

KARA: (offscreen VO) Finally, after a long, hard day on the streets, I decided it would be easier to go straight to the hub of Amy's fanbase. So I entered the name "Amy Barksdale" into an Internet search engine, and came up with nearly one hundred different sites where she was mentioned.

(Cut to shot of a computer screen. Slowly Kara scrolls down, revealing the sites. She finally pauses on one that reads "The Holy Realm of Amy." Zoom in for a close-up.)

KARA: The Holy Realm proved to be the Amy megasite, encasing every single known fact about her, based on her appearances and some hints in the "Daria" books, plus a truckload of speculation. The site was maintained by a person named Amy Terwilliger. How ironic. Or so I thought...

(Shot of the outside of a plain, one-story house. Kara drives her beat-up Honda to the curb in front and stops.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) The site advertised an Amy convention, which was being held in Ms. Terwilliger's basement. So I decided it was worth my while to pay a visit.

(Cut to shot of Kara with a twenty-something year-old male with a curly fro and glasses. He wears a T-shirt that reads Amy H.E.A.D.s Inc. and is holding a stuffed Amy doll. On the wall behind him, several animated cells, as well as odds and ends, with Amy in them hang.)

KARA: (deadpan, but clearly surprised) So you're Amy Terwilliger?

TERWILLIGER: (matter-of-fact) Yep. That'd be me.

KARA: And that's always been your name?

TERWILLIGER: Oh no. It used to be William, but I had it legally changed.

KARA: After you first saw Amy Barksdale, I presume.

TERWILLIGER: Without a doubt. I know people think that's strange, but they wouldn't if I'd changed my name to Kelly or Sydney.

KARA: Um, right. (Bt) But so... what is it about Amy that urged you to become such a mega-fan? And, um... to make such a name change?

TERWILLIGER: What isn't it about Amy?? (laughs.) She represents everything to a single guy whose only bedtime companion has been his poodle. She's smart... sh-she's warm. She's single.

KARA: But there are a lot of single females on "Daria," including Daria herself.

TERWILLIGER: Daria?? (sounding almost angry.) Don't ever compare Daria to Amy. Amy is a goddess. She arrived when I was nearly at the end of my rope, when I had no friends or family members who didn't hate me. With her warm smile, Amy reached out to lonely outcasts like me and showed me what life could be. And now, instead of being a recluse, I'm head of a flourishing virtual community!

(Shot of Amy Terwilliger and Kara walking down the stairs into the basement, where the Amy convention is being held. On one wall, the itinerary reads: Lunch: Cheese Fries. Guest Speaker 1:00 -- Daphne the Bridesmaid. There are long rows of merchandise and a large screen TV showing clips from "I Don't" and "Through a Lens Darkly." Terwilliger waves at a guy walking past, who wears a "Luhrman's Yer Man" T-shirt.)

TERWILLIGER: Hey there, dude!

GUY: (grumbling) Hrmm... hrmm...

TERWILLIGER: Your mighty webkeeper has arrived!!!

(Pause.)

GIRL: So?

TERWILLIGER: (offhand, to Kara) Oh, I'm sure they'll come to appreciate me for all my sacrifices and hard work before long.

KARA: (absorbed in looking at a comic book featuring Amy as the superheroine) Sure. Whatever.

(Cut to shot of the real Amy, sitting for an interview.)

AMY: Geez... (shakes her head.) It just amazes me the way people have invested so much... I don't know, fantasy in my character. I mean, the fans' imaginations have turned me into a solver of Daria's love troubles, a television reporter, a time-traveling scientist, a phantom that advises Daria on demon slaying, an intergalactic Jedi knight. (laughs.) If only my life were that exciting. (Bt) Oh, and the best one, the best one... (starts laughing harder, can't finish.)

KARA: What??

AMY: Someone... made me out to be... (smothers laughter.) an art appraiser. Ohhhh right. That'll be the day. (bursts out laughing again.)

KARA: (sounding annoyed) Mrrrrrrrrrr...

(Cut to shot of the convention in full swing.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) Being at the convention, if there was one thing that struck me right away, it's that most of the conventioners were male. One by one, as I interviewed them, they insisted that they were just at this event to satisfy their curiosity -- they weren't hardcore fans like Amy Terwilliger. (smirks, wiggles a brow.) But still, one wonders...

(Kara walks up to one young man whose nametag reads "Crazy Nutso.")

KARA: (thought VO) Who else but someone by that name would be at an Amy convention? (shakes her head mirthfully.)

(Cut to later shot of "Crazy Nutso," flipping through Amy's ghost-written tell-all book about her short-lived marriage to Charlie Sheen.)

C.N.: I think Amy's the eccentric relative that every family has.

(Cut to shot of "Rey T. Fox," lounging in a chair shaped like a giant cheese fry.)

REY: I think she's representative of a figure in nearly everyone's life: the Only-Cool-Relative. The person, typically an uncle or an aunt, that has some measure of distance from the rest of the relatives, an eye for the other relatives' absurdities, and the ability to unawkwardly connect with you.

(Cut to shot of a young man posing for a picture with his arm around a life-sized cardboard Amy. His name reads "Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman.")

AARON: Amy is basically a more mature version of Daria, and since we all like Daria, we virtually automatically like Amy as well.

(Cut to shot of "Guy Wheatley," pretending to drive a life-sized model of Amy's convertible, which he has just purchased.)

GUY W: Amy is the adult Daria that we'd all like Our Heroine to morph into down the line, 10 or 15 years that would season her cynical ennui and pessimism into something a little more self-deprecatory and amiably mellow.

(Cut to shot of Kara with Amy on a later occasion. Amy is sitting at a cafe table, sipping a latte and trying to balance her terrier in her lap. Kara, of course, is offscreen.)

KARA: How does it make you feel when people primarily associate your character with Daria? Meaning, you're Daria's relative or you're what Daria will be when she's older?

(Amy pauses to reflect.)

AMY: Well... it's fine, I guess. I mean I knew from the get-go that that's what I was brought in to do. (Bt. a trifle awkward.) I kind of hoped eventually the writers would expand my character a little... but, you know, I can't blame them for not doing it. (smiles thinly.) Kevin and Brittany needed the exposure more than I did.

(Cut to shot of "KnightHawke," examining Amy-themed phony tatoos.)

KNIGHTHAWKE: Amy's the idealized version of Daria's potential. She's smart, she's cute, she clearly has some money, and she's "made it" without losing her attitude. (Bt) But she's also got a suspiciously small nose that's supposed to convey "cuteness," but instead makes it look like Daria decided to see the plastic surgeon after all.

(Cut to shot of Amy, who has had this last part repeated to her. She drops her latte on the table.)

AMY: Hey! (cups her nose.) What is he saying?!

(Cut to shot of Kara sitting with Amy Terwilliger, after the convention. Kara is looking through assorted pamphlets Terwilliger has provided her.)

KARA: So what are the Heads, exactly?

TERWILLIGER: Not Heads -- H-E-A-D's. It stands for Her Earthly Admirers till Death.

KARA: I see. And, um, what do these Earthly Admirers do?

TERWILLIGER: (rolling his eyes benevolently) Talk about Amy of course. Like each week after a "Daria" episode, we gather in a chat room and talk about how much better it would have been if Amy had been in it. I mean you gotta admit, she improves every episode.

KARA: Yes, she has done a nice job with the five minutes of screen time they've given her. (Bt) So let's say this conversation lasts ten minutes, twenty minutes, then what --?

TERWILLIGER: Three hours.

(Beat)

KARA: Excuse me?

TERWILLIGER: The conversation lasts three hours. We discuss what Amy would have worn, whom she'd have spoken to, whether or not she'd have come between Daria and Trent. The list goes on.

KARA: Okay. (Bt) Um, and when you're done with that, what else do you do?

TERWILLIGER: Oh, well every weekend we all gather together in a chat room with fans of Sailor Moon and battle it out over whose heroine is better. (proud.) We've won every time!

KARA: (deadpan) Sounds quite exciting.

TERWILLIGER: Oh it is! Makes you feel great to be alive. (Bt) We also organize letter writing campaigns to MTV. We complain that Amy hasn't been in enough episodes, and that she should be in more. Then we send a list of ideas for episodes she could appear in.

KARA: Such as?

TERWILLIGER: Like, Lawndale is under seige by a vicious nationalist militia. Just when Daria and her family are about to get their brains blown away, Amy bursts in and takes out all the bad guys with her machine gun!!

KARA: That seems a little vi--

TERWILLIGER: Or one where Amy schemes over a way to get Daria together with Trent, but ends up falling for Trent herself, which leads to a big bedroom scene where --

(Cut to shot of Amy at the cafe. She's holding her dog in her arms and stroking it slowly.)

AMY: (a trifle weary) The Amy H.E.A.D.s definitely represent a crucial part of my fanbase. I mean without them, sure I'd be popular, but MTV wouldn't realize just how popular I am. I could have been dropped after Season Three easily, which means Alan Smithee might never have noticed me...

(Shot of Amy Terwilliger.)

TERWILLIGER: (proud) Our next step is to write letters to major universities, urging them to adopt the study of Amy into their curiculum. I mean hey, if Trinity College can teach a "Daria" course, can't they teach an Amy course?

KARA: Um, sure.

(Shot of Amy. She scratches her dog between the ears, looking thoughtful.)

AMY: (frowning) At the same time, people's adoration can go too far...

(Fade-out. Fade-in to a grainy black-and-white "surveillance" shot of the inside of a room. We see a dark figure from the outside slowly open the window and slide through.)

AMY: (offscreen VO) 'Kay you see, now that I work for "Daria," I live on the MTV studio lot with the other cast members. Well one night, this... obsessed fan broke into our dorm facility...

(Cut to shot of the tall, dark figure wandering down a hallway, testing knobs to see if any doors will open. Suddenly, two security guards appear and tackle him to the ground.)

AMY: (offscreen VO) Luckily, he didn't get very far. But as the guards were dragging him away, he kept screaming "Amy! I must have Ameeeeee! I am her love slave!" He woke us all up out of a sound sleep. It was scary.

(Cut to shot of Amy. She shudders and hugs her terrier.)

(Shot of Terwilliger.)

TERWILLIGER: I spend hours pondering what Amy meant in "I Don't" when she said: "Change the radio station and you're a dead man." Why was she so concerned about the radio station?? More so than about her very expensive car?? Did the radio station, perhaps, represent a window into her soul, and once it was changed, her soul was lost forever?? (Bt) If I can be this fascinated with Amy's character, surely a class-ful of students could be, too.

(Shot of Amy.)

AMY: (weary) I'm so grateful that people like me, I really am. But... it's nice when they like Daria, too. Or Jane. Or Trent. Or Quinn or Stacy or the rest. Or all of them. (Bt) Or better yet, if they like characters from completely separate shows. (Pause) Ah hell, I can't take this anymore!

(She shifts violently, causing her dog to jump out of her lap.)

AMY: I mean God, don't these people have lives ?! Do they seriously spend all their waking hours thinking about me?! Hello?!! I am a cartoon character! (pounds on the table.) I'm not even real! So why don't you all just get lives ?! Move out of your parents' garages and get jobs! Find real activities, think about real stuff -- not what's happening in some imaginary television virtual world!!!!!

(Pause)

KARA: (offscreen VO) Amy would later retract that statement...

(Cut to shot of Amy taken at a future date. She smiles uneasily.)

AMY: Um, I wasn't feeling too well when I got interviewed a few days ago. I had some sort of flu bug... or the latte was just messing with my mind -- I never was good with caffeine. But anyway, I don't know what could possibly have made me say such things. I love all my fans, every last one of you. Without you, "Abruptly Amy" wouldn't have been possible. (She glances nervously offscreen and mouths the words, "That enough?")

(Fade to black. Kara walks onscreen and faces the camera.)

KARA: So it looks as though Amy is all set to advance to a new realm of popularity. I'll be taking you to talk with the the creative team behind "Abruptly Amy," and Amy's costars, after this commercial break...

Coming up in the next hour... watch out, folks, 'cause Daria's lovable aunt is on the loose, and she's ready for some fun!!!

(Shot of the black screen and the pictures of Amy from "Daria" lining the background. Kara walks onscreen again and faces front. She struggles to smile, and fails miserably.)

KARA: Welcome back. In this segment of "In Search of Amy," I'll look at the making of Amy's very own show. How it got started, what Alan Smithee, the writer/producer had in mind when he created it, and how Amy, herself, felt about the transition. Plus, I'll be digging dirt out of her costars. So stick around...

(Shot of Amy arranging flowers for the window in her spartan dorm room. Meanwhile, her dog plays with sock on the floor.)

AMY: When I was growing up, I used to watch my father on television. He managed to find semi-steady work in several Hanna-Barbera productions of the 60's and 70's. "The Jetsons," "Jossie and the Pussy Cats," the occasional episode of "Scooby Doo." But when he hit "Superfriends," he finally hung up his hat. Told me: "Amy, honey, cartoons are going to hell. The animation is lousy, the storylines are only slightly more appealing than week-old garbage soaked in vinegar, and not a minute goes by when they're not trying to sell you something. Do not get involved with them." He urged me to pose in print ads -- said that's where the steady money is.

KARA: So how did you gather up the courage to follow your dreams?

AMY: Well, I tried the print ad route -- you can see some of my work in those men's car magazines. But it was just too... static. I knew I couldn't do it forever, that I would need something to suit my creative urge. But what? Because the roles for comic book heroine are so competitive, I didn't even think to go that route. So I did a little work for movies on the side. I landed a role as Ariel's lady-in-waiting in "The Little Mermaid." Damn fins I wore nearly destroyed the nerves in my thighs. I also got work as an extra in some Japanese anime films -- though I drew the line at "Sailor Moon." But finally I decided movies weren't my thing, and I decided to take the plunge into T.V. acting.

KARA: Was your father upset?

AMY: Nah. He believes cartoons have vastly improved over the past decade, with deeper storylines and more innovative art direction.

KARA: Like with your new show.

AMY: (looking away uneasily) Um... right.

(Cut to shot of Alan Smithee, mastermind behind "Abruptly Amy," sitting for an interview. A torn "Showgirls" T-shirt stretches over his beer belly, and he constantly lifts cigarettes to his lips. Yet genius... or something shines in his eyes.)

KARA: So you're a fan of "Daria."

SMITHEE: No. I despise Daria -- that whiny, miserable little wench. I've always been attracted to Amy. It was always Amy.

KARA: But Amy and Daria are and awful lot alike.

SMITHEE: (shaking the hand holding the cigarette) No-no-noooo, that's blasphemy if I've ever heard it. Amy has a uniquely rich soul, and as a creator of quality television fare, I felt it my duty to crack it open and watch it ooze out onscreen.

KARA: Okay, but --

SMITHEE: I vowed to create a show that explored what happened when a young, attractive woman like Amy decided to veer from the path that had been chosen for her and pursue a completely different one, far away.

KARA: Oh, you mean like on "Felicity"?

(Beat)

SMITHEE: (frowning a little) No. My show about Amy is completely original. It's a woman trying to mend the rift between herself and family whom she hasn't seen in ages.

KARA: Like on "Providence"? "Just Shoot Me"?

SMITHEE: No, no -- not at all. She also displays courage, wisdom, and wit as the parent of a troublesome youth.

KARA: Like on "The Simpsons"? "Malcolm in the Middle"? "Popular"? Those kids are pretty--

SMITHEE: (impatient) Let's move on, shall we??

(Cut to shot of Smithee and Kara sitting in a diner. Smithee downs a large cup of coffee, then ogles the waitress's breasts when she refills it. Kara tries to ignore his behavior.)

SMITHEE: Why the name "Abruptly Amy," you ask? Well we really wanted a title that would leap out at you, and show you right away just how special this program is. We were going to call it "Suddenly Amy," but then thought people might think it was a rip-off of "Suddenly Susan," which couldn't be further from the truth! Then we were going to call it "Evaluating Amy," but feared people might attach it to that horrible piece of tripe, "Judging Amy." (He shudders.)

KARA: So you think your show can do better than that one?

SMITHEE: A show about horney lawyers living under the sea could do a better job than that one. And I should know, since I once produced such a show! "Suing With the Fishes," it was called.

KARA: Hmmm...

SMITHEE: But "Abruptly Amy," in particular, is special. (counting off on his fingers.) It's a show for women. It's a show for men. It's a show for families, That alone makes it a winner.

KARA: Winner of a spot in the Neilsen Top 20.

SMITHEE: People want a show they can gather together to watch. Niche programming is out. They want heart-warming family struggles. Romance. A strong woman who knows how to use her mind, yet is not afraid to pulsate with womanliness. Lots of karate moves and stuff blowing up!

KARA: All in one show??

SMITHEE: (proud) Told ya it was an original.

KARA: (offscreen VO) Original show? I'll say. "A New Beginning," the pilot, cost twenty million dollars to produce -- far more than your average television episode, let alone pilot. And for that, Amy had to do an unprededented amount of work, from learning how to balance on a tightrope --

(Shot of Amy, blindfolded, on a tightrope two feet above the ground.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) -- to learning karate and kickboxing moves...

(Shot of Amy standing with her trainer in a lot of old fashioned cars. Her trainer puts a rag in each of her hands and makes swirling motions.)

TRAINER: You must learn discipline. This hand is for wash, this hand is for wax. (Bt) Oh, and could you try to have my car polished by five o' clock? I've got a hot date tonight.

(Shot of Amy and her trainer in a boat that is floating in the middle of a lake. Amy is standing at one edge with one of her legs raised, trying to hold herself steady.)

TRAINER: You must achieve balance!

(He heaves a watermellon at Amy. Just as she catches it, the boat sways violently and capsizes.)

KARA: And oftentimes, to prepare Amy for the role of beating up on thugs, her trainer would involve her in real-live role play...

(Shot of Amy and her trainer sitting in a bar. The trainer throws a bottle at a bruttish-looking man sitting on a bar stool. As the man erupts and rushes toward him, the trainer pushes a panicking Amy forward.)

(Shot of Amy, slightly battered, sitting for an interview.)

AMY: (smiling weakly) It's really a lot of fun. Testing my personal limits, facing death every once in a while, gives me a major adrenaline rush. In fact, I'd have to say I'm less afraid of the action sequences in my new show than of carrying the dialogue scenes. Do I have what it takes? Will I make the audience give a damn about my character?

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting for an interview.)

DARIA: I sympathize with Amy's plight. It brings back memories of the days when I was leaving "Beavis and Butt-head" to star in my own show. I was constantly second-guessing myself and my acting abilities.

KARA: (surprised) You?

DARIA: Hard to believe, I know. I hate looking at myself in our pilot episode, "Sealed With a Kick." God, I was such a stiff; I was so nervous that I could barely move. Then in the opening scene of "Esteemers" --

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting in the car with Quinn and Jake in the front seats. All three are talking, but the sound is muted.)

DARIA: (offscreen VO) -- you can't really see it, but my hands wouldn't stop shaking. That one line, "Did we move?", took twenty separate takes. Quinn and Jake kept telling me, "Calm down. You're doing fine. It'll be okay." I put my faith in their advice, since they were both seasoned television veterans, having spent years on children's shows. Finally I took a deep breath, gave myself a pat on the back, and said the line. After the director said "Cut," everyone erupted with applause. I spent a good half-hour exchanging hugs and high-fives...

(Resume shot of Daria.)

DARIA: I managed to adjust to the rigors of carrying a show, and so will Amy.

(Cut to shot of Kara riding with Alan Smithee in his black convertable down a street. As he pulls to a stop, he ogles a young woman standing on the sidewalk.)

KARA: Well, um, from the way you described it, "Abruptly Amy" sounds like quite an experience. (Bt) But what is it about exactly? If you had to sum it up in a sentence, devoid of cliches, what would it be?

(long Pause)

SMITHEE: Oh... it's too special a show to explain. You just have to experience it. (Bt) Besides, it appeals to all the key demographics, so how can it go wrong??

(Beat)

KARA: Sure. (Bt) But, um, it must have been difficult crafting a spinoff show from "Daria." Trying to preserve a glimmer of its trademark cynicism.

SMITHEE: Its what?

(Beat)

KARA: So I take it there is no cynicism in "Abruptly Amy"?

(Beat)

SMITHEE: Well sure there is! There's lots of people getting pissed off that some happy dough isn't the solution to life's problems. But it's too complicated to explain. You'll --

KARA: (sardonic) Just have to experience it?

(Cut to shot of Smithee escorting Kara through the animation room, a short time later. We see a long wall covered with storyboards, and some artists frantically painting a background for one of the scenes.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) Smithee went on to explain how he first got inspired to use Amy.

SMITHEE: (to Kara) ... I was visiting my neighbor 'cause I was all out of beer, and see him watching this cartoon, and I'm like: "Dude, why the hell are you watching that pissed-off little androgynous girl, anyway?" I'm about to leave, when suddenly, up on the screen appears a real woman. (exhales heavily.) My neighbor says: "That's her Aunt Amy. She's Da Bomb, and I should know 'cause I'm one of her biggest fans."

KARA: Was he one of the H.E.A.D.s?

SMITHEE: Or something. So I watched her and I knew from that moment that I had to do a show about her.

KARA: (sardonic) I guess her "unique soul" just sprung out at you, didn't it?

SMITHEE: Whoo-hoo, I'll say. (wipes his forehead.) I would have done a completely original show starring Amy, but she was owned by the "Daria" people, so I had to work my way around that.

KARA: How did Glenn Eichler react to your request to use Amy in her very own show?

SMITHEE: Eh, well... I didn't really speak to Glenn. Can't say I like the guy too well -- as a person or as a writer.

KARA: Why not?

SMITHEE: That bastard had the nerve to call my work the epitome of all that is wretched and horrible in screen writing! That anyone stuck watching an Alan Smithee film ought to demand his money back! Can you believe that?!

(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later, when Smithee is leading Kara toward a section that holds several drawings and modelings of Amy that are meant to be used for creating the scenes. If one looks closely, one notices that the way Amy appears in these images does not seem consistent; it's as though the series has gone through several different art directors.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) As Smithee explained it, his people spoke to Glenn's people. Then when Glenn's people refused to speak any further, he spoke to MTV's people, and they, er, convinced Glenn's people to cut a deal. Smithee won free use of Amy, his only condition being that he stay true to her roots as a character from "Daria." Smithee agreed...

SMITHEE: Yeah, yeah... I kept Amy's mother and one of her sisters around. And I tossed in some references to "Daria." But I also made Amy a much better character.

KARA: In what way?

(Smithee gestures at a large drawing of Amy, which has her caught in mid-air, about to karate kick someone.)

SMITHEE: Well on "Daria," Amy just kind of stands around and talks. And her movements are kinda stodgy, ya know? (Bt) But on "Abruptly Amy," she's a lean, mean, crime-fighting machine!

(Shot from "Abruptly Amy" of Amy in a subway train car. She shoves her leg into the belly of a mafia thug and sends him flying backward against the side of the train.)

KARA: So she's a cop?

SMITHEE: I'm not telling! You must experience it. (Bt) And also, we gave Amy the chance to, like, cry and stuff. You know, like women do...

(Shot from "Abruptly Amy" of Amy bursting into tears and running away after a severe-looking, distinguished man says something to her.)

KARA: Sure.

SMITHEE: And like all women, she's got healthy sexual appetites. This show has given her a relationship --

(Shot from "Abruptly Amy" of Amy sharing a hot tub with a sexy male.)

SMITHEE: (insistant) Our portrayal of Amy shows a real person with real problems.

(Cut to shot of Amy being interviewed.)

KARA: So do you agree with Mr. Smithee's vision behind the show?

AMY: Sure.

(Beat)

KARA: Could you describe it for me?

AMY: Um... (long Pause.)

(Shot of Smithee.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) So does your "new vision" mean you have no interest in attracting "Daria" fans to the new show?

SMITHEE: Well of course I do. "Daria" fans are demographics too, aren't they? That's why we crossed over one of the characters.

(Cut to close-up shot of Andrea on "Daria.")

SMITHEE: (offscreen VO) Andrea Hecuba: a tough girl from the wrong side of the tracks who has a heart of gold! She's in practically every episode -- so I'm told -- so it ought to be easy for "Daria" fans to relate to her.

(Zoom out to show Daria and Jane sitting in the foreground, with Andrea in the background. Andrea sits there silently, unnoticed by Daria and Jane.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) And as it turned out, Smithee wasn't too incorrect. I spoke to several "Daria" fans at a bash featuring a sneak preview of "Abruptly Amy"...

(Shot of "Steven Galloway" munching on a bowl of popcorn.)

STEVEN: The thing I like about Andrea (munch) is that she is the one person who exists on "Daria" (munch) to keep Daria and Jane from looking too dark. (swallow.)

(Cut to shot of "Daniel Suni" sitting by the mini-bar, downing a shot of vodka.)

DANIEL: Andrea has a "dark" and depressing atmosphere around her, and that appeals to people. Also, she writes great poems.

(Cut to shot of "Guy Payne" sitting on a large stuffed couch, adjusting the volume on the large-screen television.)

GUY P: She is a cipher, a deliciously sinister tabula rasa waiting for, and yet daring, you to write on it. I think her appeal is in her potential, darkly hinted at by her visually compelling design. Oddly enough, the less they use of her, the more we want to see her, and vice-versa.

KARA: (offscreen VO) Hmmm... then maybe he won't be supportive of Andrea's expanded role in "Abruptly Amy."

(Pan over to show "Ben Etkin" sitting beside him.)

BEN: Andrea is a more assertive version of Daria. She seems more certain in her hostility toward others and lacks Daria's conflicting emotions.

KARA: (offscreen VO) But what does Andrea herself think?

(Shot of Andrea. Her face lights up.)

ANDREA: I was, like, soooooo excited when Alan Smithee's people chose me to be Amy's sidekick on the new show! They were like: "So do you, like, work for minimum wage?" And I was like: "Uh-huh." And they were like: "We've found our girl."

KARA: So how has working with Amy been for you?

ANDREA: Omigod, Omigod -- she is, like, the coolest person! After our first night of shooting, Amy took me bar-hopping using her fake I.D., and I got to drink my first brewski!

(Shot of Amy. She makes panicked "Ix-nay" gestures.)

AMY: That is completely untrue. It wasn't my fake I.D., it was my cousin's.

(Shot of Andrea.)

ANDREA: And acting alongside her has, like, been really great also! She's soooooo supportive.

(Shot of Amy driving Andrea in her car in "Abruptly Amy.")

AMY: Now Andrea, I know it's not easy starting over at a new school. (long Pause) Um, it's your line. You can speak now.

ANDREA: I can?? (Pause. face brightens.) I CAN!!!!!

(Shot of Andrea at the interview.)

ANDREA: (almost in tears) I, like, never ever ever got to speak on "Daria," except for, like, maybe a couple of times. And I, like, never figured out why.

KARA: Oh?

ANDREA: But now I've got my own show, and it's gonna be, like, a totally great experience!

(Screen fades to black. Kara walks on.)

KARA: So with that, it looks as though "Abruptly Amy" is off to a roaring start. Her fans and her fellow cast members from "Daria" wish her the best. (Pause) Or do they?? In our next segment, find out which cast member of "Daria" was most displeased with Amy's success and why. So stick around!

Coming up in the next hour...

Stay tuned for "Abruptly Amy"!

(Shot of the black background, and Kara standing in the foreground.)

KARA: Welcome back. In this segment, we'll take a look at the simmering rage that lurks beneath the surface of one "Daria" cast member's unflappable fa*ade...

(Cue "Dateline"-style heart-tugging music. Shot of a black-and-white still photo of the "Daria" cast, posing cheerfully before the camera.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) As I said earlier, most of the cast was pleased for Amy when they heard of her ascent to the role of main character...

(Shot of Quinn.)

QUINN: You go, girl!

(Shot of Helen.)

HELEN: Yes, we'll be keeping an eye on her, making sure she has all of the support she needs. (eyes trail away.) And, um, after our show ends its run, if Amy wants to give some of the characters on "Daria" guest appearances... (fidgets uncomfortably.) Like, um, a reoccuring role to one of her sisters --

JAKE: (offscreen) And her loveable dolt husband!

HELEN: One that, um, could turn into a semi-regular role, maybe even a regular one should she win over the audience with her charm. One that would explore the nooks and crannies of her personality that have been woefully neglected on "Daria." (smiles uneasily.) No... I, um, wouldn't mind that at all.

(Cut to the photograph.)

KARA: But not everyone was happy with Amy's success. (Zoom in to close-up of Jane.) It was quickly reported that Jane Lane harbored deep resentment toward Amy, due to the fact that she had repeatedly tried to convince MTV and Viacom to let her have her own show.

(Cut to grainy black-and-white shot of Jane with some of the MTV head honchos. The date in the righthand corner reads January 1999. The head honchos are sitting at a long table with their hands folded, wearing grim expressions, while Jane stands across from them. She's wearing an expression that is desperately cheerful, and making wild gestures with her arms.)

JANE: Now it's gonna be a really cool show, so listen up. Really, really cool, so are ya ready???

HONCHO: Just get it over with.

JANE: Um... okay. (Bt) Well look, Jane and Daria aren't gonna be in high school forever, right? Daria's gonna go off to some big-name college, while Jane pursues her interest in art. So my idea is for Jane to follow her dream to San Francisco , where she'd share a rundown house with five other off-beat characters... and a robot!

(Beat)

HONCHO: Um, robot did you say?

JANE: Yeah.

HONCHO 2: Why a robot?

(Beat)

JANE: (slightly puzzled) Well um... just for the quirkiness factor. I mean he's only a small part of the show, really -- just something we can throw jokes at when there's nothing else interesting to say. (Bt) But anyway, anyway, so where was I? So my character would be a lot more fleshed out, I think, than she is on "Daria." She'd, like, get dramatic, even cry sometimes. I mean clearly she's a girl who's been holding in a lot of emotion. So anyway, I was thinking one episode could be about Jane and her roommate who's HIV positive...

(Pan over to the head honchos. As Jane speaks, they exchange wary expressions.)

(Cut to shot of Jane in the present, sitting for an interview.)

KARA: (offscreen) So what kept them from giving you your own show?

(Pause. Jane rolls her eyes and takes a deep breath, clearly uncomfortable. At last she smiles weakly.)

JANE: Well they said it just wasn't economical. Like that filming on location in San Francisco would be too costly. Or that getting a robot that talked and acted like a robot was too expensive. Excuse me, did I ask for a talking robot?? No. I just wanted a robot. I didn't care how crappy it was --

KARA: But wouldn't your show have been a cartoon? In which case you wouldn't have had to worry about location or the problems with mechanical movement.

JANE: (angry) Damn right it would've been a cartoon. (pounds her fist for emphasis.) Which made me realize there were other factors involved in their decision to pick Amy over me.

KARA: Such as?

(Jane leans forward.)

JANE: (hushed) Two letters. T and A.

(Cut to shot of Amy walking on a treadmill, dressed in a T-shirt and cutoffs.)

AMY: So I appeal to a different demographic than she does. I wish she wouldn't get so bent out of shape about it.

KARA: (offscreen) So Jane doesn't wow the 18 to 34-year old males the way you do?

AMY: She never did.

(Cut to shot of Jane, who has had this repeated to her. Her expression is one of outrage.)

JANE: Bullshit! Guys love me... and some girls, too. My legions of Jane Stalkers have a history that goes back way beyond the Amy H.E.A.D.s. But no one was interested in their opinions. All because I'm not willing to flaunt my curves the way Amy does, after that disastrous cheerleading scene I did for "The 'F' Word"...

(Resume shot of Amy. She makes a sour face.)

AMY: But not like it's always to my advantage. Not when I have to deal with being stalked by nutcases like the H.E.A.D.s.

KARA: Did you find out if they were the ones who broke into your dorm?

AMY: Worse. They asked me to speak at their next convention.

KARA: Ugh. (Bt) So why does it matter so much that Jane doesn't draw the 18 to 34-year olds?

(Amy stops the treadmill and grabs a towel. She starts mopping her face and neck.)

AMY: (frank) These days, with network television looking for instant big ratings, a T.V. show has to quickly find its niche audience or risk being canceled. 18 to 34-year men are more sought after than any other audience. Snare them, and advertisers will love you. Their dollars roll in, your show gets automatically renewed, and you've got a steady job.

(Cut to shot of Alan Smithee, sitting for an interview.)

KARA: Is that true, what she said?

SMITHEE: Of course not! (laughs.) "Abruptly Amy" is a family show. It's a show meant to appeal to the entire family. (Bt) I mean sure, Amy may be a little more, er, endowed than Jane, but that, um, has nothing to do with why I selected her. (laughs weakly.)

(Shot of Amy.)

AMY: You do what you have to do to get your foot in the door. (with some hesitation.) And if my body image puts me into a position where I can show people a wider range of talent... then so be it.

(Shot of Alan Smithee.)

SMITHEE: I have nothing against Jane Lane -- I love the gal, and so do the bigwigs at MTV. But she's just not as interesting as Amy. She doesn't have as much history.

KARA: (offscreen) How can you say that? Jane's been in every episode of "Daria." We know all about her family life. We hardly know anything about Amy.

SMITHEE: Really? (Bt) Er, well yes, technically that's true... but (waves a hand dismissively.) look, Jane does a great job as Daria's assistant, or whatever. Why mess with a good formula?

(Shot of Amy.)

AMY: Look, Jane is a really smart and talented girl. Her time might not be now, but she'll definitely get her big break in the future. She'll survive "Daria"'s cancellation.

(Fade-out, fade-in to shot of a TV set.)

KARA: (offscreen) Jane tried once again to pitch her spinoff idea, this time to one of the network stations. And the network heads really paid attention. The chief executive at Fox snatched it up the second Jane had finished. Then gave the show to... Lisa Simpson.

(An older Lisa appears on the TV screen.)

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: Lisa Simpson's finally grown up! And she's finally left Springfield! Join her and her zany housemates on their exciting adventures in "Lisa's World" this fall!

(Shot of Jane.)

JANE: Yeah... it's all about what'll sell. A character with a big name like Lisa Simpson, or one with a great body... (shakes her head, gets a bitter expression.) Yep.

(Screen fades to black.)

KARA: (offscreen) From that point on, things grew increasingly bitter between Amy and Jane. It reached a point when they wouldn't go anywhere near each other.

(Shot of Daria.)

DARIA: Few people realize that the Season Four premiere was supposed to be called "Soul Sisters": an episode in which Amy comes to Lawndale, and mayhem ensues. Amy was going to hang out with me and Jane for a good portion of the episode.

KARA: And??

DARIA: And it just didn't happen. Jane flat-out refused to be in the same scenes as Amy. Every time the artists started to ink Amy in, Jane would just dissolve. Finally, the episode was scrapped entirely, and 402, "Partner's Complaint," went on in its place.

KARA: Fascinating. And I suppose a new episode had to be written to fill the gap?

DARIA: Yeah -- "Murder She Snored." Peggy really had to crank that one out, which is why it looks like it hasn't been properly edited.

KARA: Ah...

(Shot of the outside of a TV studio, with a long line of people waiting outside.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) The cast of "Daria" tried to get them to reconcile, and for a while it seemed to work...

(Cut to shot of Amy and the rest of the "Daria" cast, minus Jane, sitting on a talk show stage. Mother Love, formerly of "Forgive and Forget," is with them. She looks at Jane through a TV screen.)

MOTHER LOVE: So Jane, sugar, are you willing to forgive this sweet young woman for the pain she's caused you??

(Long pause, as Jane thinks.)

JANE: Um... yes.

(The audience and the rest of the "Daria" cast start clapping wildly. Amy bursts into tears, grabbing hold of Mother Love for support. On the TV screen, we see Jane tearing up, too.)

JANE: I'm soooo (sniff) sorry I haven't supported you. Everyone's right: you do deserve your own show.

AMY: (sniff) Let's just never fight again, okay??

JANE: Okay!

MOTHER LOVE: (sniff) My work here is done. Praise Jesus!

KARA: (offscreen VO) But it wouldn't last. Once the rush from that sugar-coated moment wore off, tensions hit the roof. Especially once Jane got accused of putting paint remover in Amy's lunch during one day of filming of her new show...

(Shot of Amy sitting at a table, eating. Suddenly she drops her fork on her plate and starts gagging. She grabs for her throat, but her hands fade, then disappear. Then her arms disappear. The technicians see this, and there is a frantic scramble for new paint to fix her up.)

(Cut to shot of Jane, surrounded by cameras and hounding reporters.)

JANE: (flapped) I'm telling you, I don't know anything about that! I'm just as shocked and concerned as the rest of you about what happened to Amy.

(Cut to shot of the covers of several tabloid magazines. Their covers read: Jealous Jane Out For Blood!, showing a doctored-up picture of a malicious Jane brandishing a knife. Or "I'm mentally ill!" Jane Lane Cries.)

(Cut to shot of Amy sitting up in bed, looking weak.)

AMY: I don't want to just jump on Jane... (heaves a big sigh.) But... I can't think of who else might've done it.

KARA: Weren't a few of the other "Daria" cast members jealous that you got your own series?

AMY: Yeah, maybe. (Bt) But not like Jane...

(Fade-out. Fade-in to grainy black-and-white shot of the door to Jane's trailor, as seen from the inside.)

KARA: Unfortunately, the incident had barely faded from memory when another one occurred...

(Shot of Jane opening the door and entering her trailor. She stops, looks around, and gasps.)

JANE: What the hell?!

(Zoom out to show Jane's paint brushes gathered in bundles that hang from the ceiling throughout the room. Each one has been beheaded. Jane walks around slowly, staring at them with disbelief. Just then, pan over to show a cloth bundle lying in the middle of the floor. Jane reaches down, her hands shaking, and picks it up.)

JANE: Isn't this part of Tom's shirt...? (She unravels the bundle and gasps -- there's blood. Jane falls to her knees, clutching the bundle.) Tom?! Tom!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! TOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!! Please come back! I'll even let you go out with Daria if you just please come back!!!

(She waves the bloody cloth in the air.)

JANE: I'll get you for this, Amy Barksdale! Taking an innocent man's life!

(As she continues to rant and rave, we see Tom step up into the trailor, wearing the same shirt from which the cloth came, a piece missing. He walks over to Jane.)

TOM: Hey there you are. I cut myself on one of your exacto-knives when I saw all those freaky paintbrush sculptures. (shows Jane a bandaged hand.)

(Cut to shot of an incensed Jane, a short time later.)

JANE: Okay, so Tom's alive. But I'm still mad. She ruined sixty perfectly good paintbrushes, dammit! And those meant more to me than --

KARA: (offscreen VO) Of course Amy denied it, which only served to widen the chasm between her and Jane.

(Cut to shot of the cast photo. It rips in two, with Jane on one side, Amy on the other.)

KARA: The rest of the cast strained to stay out of their conflict, but ultimately Amy would distance herself from them. Not even a few choice cameos by some of the more prominent stars on her new show could ease the tension. And as for Jane...

(Cut to shot of Jane being interviewed.)

KARA: So Jane, what's your next move?

(Pause)

JANE: (straining to sound nonchalant) Hey... I'm a survivor. If my idea for a new show never catches on, I can always find other work. The Powerpuff girls might need a fourth. And there's always filling in on Spaceghost's talk show when he takes a vacation. (laughs.) I mean there's no way I'm gonna spend the rest of my cartoon life softening the blow of some uptight cynic's thoughtless comments.

(Pan over to show Daria standing beside Jane, her arms folded. Jane looks at her and laughs uneasily.)

JANE: Not that I don't love it, of course!

(Cut to shot of Jane strolling down a road, her back to us, into the sunset.)

JANE: (offscreen VO) Yep... little Jane's not licked yet. If nothing else comes my way, there's always TV talkshows. They'll take just about anybody...

(Screen fades to black. Kara walks on.)

KARA: So with that gloom-and-doom scenario out in the open, let's move on to our final segment, in which I look at the problems that plagued the production of "Abruptly Amy." After this commercial break!

Coming up in the next hour...

Stay tuned for "Abruptly Amy"!

(Fade in to shot of Kara standing against the black background.)

KARA: Welcome back. In this final installment, I will relate to you the behind-the-scenes troubles that plagued the pilot for "Abruptly Amy"...

(Cue the "Abruptly Amy" theme music, "There She Goes," sung by Sixpence None the Richer. Briefly show some opening scenes of the episode -- Amy talking on the phone, Amy balancing on a pipe above a subway train, Amy and Rita arguing in front of their mother.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) Following my research into the tensions amongst the "Daria" cast, I was planning to report some superficial details about the production of "A New Beginning." But I soon learned that the road to the pilot's debut was far from smooth...

(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of the first page of "A New Beginning"'s script.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) Troubles began with the very first reading of the script. Rumors in the tabloids and over the Internet revealed that Amy absolutely hated the script when she first read it, and demanded to be released from her contract. Curiously, that's also when the paint remover and paintbrush scultpure incidents occurred...

(Shot of Smithee.)

SMITHEE: Absolutely untrue! She never once asked to be let out of her contract. (smirks.) She knows she needs the work.

(Shot of Amy, smiling thinly.)

AMY: Well I had a few questions about the script... (chuckles a little too cheerfully.) but I had complete faith that Alan would change what needed to be changed before the final version.

KARA: So did he?

(Amy remains silent.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) Some members of the production crew informed me that Amy managed to wrangle some alterations out of Smithee by threatening to not do the bedroom scenes... or at least to look as though she wasn't enjoying herself. Smithee agreed to cut the part that had Amy posing as a hooker to try and lure over a bunch of mafia thugs. And a scene that had her braless and wearing a wet T-shirt. And a particularly distasteful musical portion that featured Amy singing about happy dough. (Bt) I wonder if it survived...

(Cut to scene from "Abruptly Amy." Amy is sitting with Rita, Andrea, and her mother in a living room. Amy looks contrite, her mother angry.)

MOTHER: You just don't get it, do you?! Now that we've been accused of drugging the happy dough, we won't be trusted to sell anyone anything! Not one stinking brownie or gingerbread man -- nothing!

(The scene continues, with the sound muted.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) It turned out that Amy wasn't the only one unhappy with the script. Angela Lansbury, who provided the voice for Amy's mother in the pilot -- because her career was a complete bust after "Murder She Wrote" -- flat-out refused to do any follow-up episodes. In haste, Smithee had to replace her with Jean Stapleton. What's more --

(Shot of a giant obese man dressed like Colonel Sanders's gaudy cousin.)

KARA: Harvey "Big Harv" Goldman threatened to quit.

(Shot of a tall sexy Latino male.)

KARA: Miguel Rodriguez, who plays Amy's love interest, threatened to quit.

(Shot of Rita Barksdale.)

KARA: And Amy's real-life sister, Rita, threatened to quit. But not because she was fed up with the script -- she just couldn't stand being overshadowed by Amy. Those scenes where she throws bottles were inspired by actual behind-the-scenes incidents...

(Shot of Andrea.)

ANDREA: I, like, would've quit... (Pause. Her lips tremble.) But I just couldn't go back to the way things were! Like, all that not talking was just torture!!!

KARA: And problems with the script extended to problems with art direction. In spite of "Abruptly Amy"'s Titanic-sized budget, it was unable to retain an art director throughout the course of production. Each one quickly grew to despise Smithee's controlling nature and outlandish proposals...

(Shot from "Abruptly Amy" of a mouse falling through the air and splattering on the ground in a million pieces.)

(Cut to shot of a crude rendering of the mouse falling, on white paper in charcoal. Zoom out to show Alan Smithee and Milo Mindbender, the original art director, staring at that picture on a storyboard.)

MINDERBENDER: (fuming) I am telling you -- a mouse that falls from such a great height would not splatter! It would just land softly and run off!

SMITHEE: But don't you see how much more dramatic the splattering thing is?? It's guaranteed to give the audience shivers...

MINDERBENDER: And why must the subway station be so large, anyway?? They're never that large in real life!

SMITHEE: Don't you see that it doesn't matter?? The audience won't know that it's not realistic. All they'll get is a really big thrill out of it. It's all about lassoing them and pulling them in before we hit 'em with the weepy-sobby stuff.

MINDERBENDER: (stomping on the ground) Oh yeah?? Well, Senior Creator, if you can't find it within your multi-million dollar budget to hire one researcher, then I quit!

KARA: (offscreen VO) And pretty soon, countless other art directors would follow, such as John Takis, John Berry, and Kemical Reaction... Each of the departing art directors left their uniquely visual style on some of the scenes. (Pause) Unfortunately, none stuck around long enough to put a uniform style on all the scenes. Thus, Smithee was left with scenes that looked like this , and like this .

(Shot of Alan Smithee pulling at his hair and staring at the story board, looking panic-stricken.)

KARA: But with his budget stretched far over its original limit, Smithee had no option but to leave the scenes in place.

SMITHEE: (offscreen VO) Heyyy no problem. Today's viewers have been weaned on the psychedelic visuals of MTV. They'll think it's cool.

KARA: "No problem," he says. But would he say that about the outrage expressed by conservative groups, in objection to some of the spicier elements of this supposedly family show?

(Cut to shot of Donald Christiansen, head of the Good Wholesome Heterosexual Men and Women in Holy Unions Under God Who Wish to Seize This Heathenist Nation and Re-establish the Values That Were Endowed by Our Creator, or GWHMWHUUGWWSTHNRVTWEOC. He looks stern and troubled.)

CHRISTIANSEN: Smithee promised us a family show. A family show. Well no real family would have an unmarried mother having sexual relations with robust, studly, firey-hot male.

(Shot of Amy sharing a bed with said male in a scene from "Abruptly Amy.")

CHRISTIANSEN: (offscreen VO) Unless, of course... she were in the hands of SATAN!!!

(Shot of a large crowd picketing outside the studio building where "Abruptly Amy" is being created. "Lose the Smut, Lose the Slut!" reads one of the picket signs. "There is No Course for Intercourse" reads another.)

KARA: At a protest rally, Christiansen's group was joined by Hanky Panky Anonymous, Pressure Group Inc., Mothers Against Anything Their Children See On Television Or Learn in Schools, Fathers Against Public Schooling, the NRA, and more.

(Cut to shot of Kara walking through the crowd. She encounters a mother who has three children with her, all blindfolded.)

MOTHER: Look, Ma'am. Look at my children! Must they live their lives like this in order to avoid being poisoned by popular culture??

KARA: (chuckling) Oh, I'm sure it doesn't need to come to tha --

MOTHER: I've had them like this for three years.

LITTLE BOY: Is the sky still blue, Mommy?

(Cut to shot of Smithee staring and glowering at the crowd out a window from several storied up.)

KARA: (offscreen VO) For his part, Smithee fought valiantly to keep the spicy scenes in "Abruptly Amy."

SMITHEE: (offscreen VO) I mean come on, this is prime time television we're talking about. There has to be a little steam, or else you lose the 18 and up demographic!

KARA: But finally, he agreed to bland the scenes down to nothing steamier than PG-13. And what's more, he even went so far as to include a strong anti-alcohol message in the pilot, which pleased Alcoholics Anonymous, "Abruptly Amy"'s premiere sponsor, greatly.

(Cut to shot of Smithee.)

SMITHEE: (smile-sneering) As I've said, this show is here for the whole family to enjoy...

(Shot from "Abruptly Amy" of Andrea kicking a mafia thug down a flight of stairs. After he lands face-down, she belly flops onto his head.)

SMITHEE: (offscreen VO) ... and I'm confident that its positive values will meet every conservative group's standards.

KARA: (offscreen VO) And it did. Once Smithee removed most of the sex scenes, he never heard from them again...

(Cut to shot of a large room of people watching "Abruptly Amy" on a large screen TV -- the same group Kara interviewed earlier.)

KARA: Too bad he couldn't say the same for the fans of Amy and "Daria"...

GUY P: (deadpan) This sucked.

BEN: What did they do to Amy??

DANIEL: I'm so depressed.

KARA: (offscreen VO) I, too, might have been disheartened by the pilot episode... (bitter) had the "Daria" fans not kicked me out before the show started, thereby preventing me from sharing their pain.

(Cut to shot of Amy Terwilliger glued to his computer, frantically typing e-mails to his fellow H.E.A.D.s. He, too, has watched a sneak preview of the new show.)

TERWILLIGER: (voice hoarse and shaking) Th-that, that was not the Amy I know! The one I spent years building my life around! What about her confidence?! What about her sensuous cynicism?!! That woman was a basket case!!

KARA: So Smithee didn't stay true to her character, hmm? That's too bad. Well it happens sometimes. So does that mean you'll give up your--?

TERWILLIGER: (angry) I'm gonna make sure H.E.A.D.s from all over the world know about this! We're gonna fight!!

(Cut to close-up shot of a television screen.)

KARA: And so, one week later...

REPORTER: (offscreen VO) Thousands of enraged males, ages 25 to 45, have flooded the courtyard of Smithee Studios to violently protest what they called the rape of their favorite cartoon character, Amy Barksdale, just one day before her show is set to premiere nation wide.

(Cut to close-up shot of Amy Terwilliger, heaving a bottle at one of the windows, along with several other men, presumably the other H.E.A.D.s. Oddly enough, this assortment includes Crazy Nutso, Rey Fox, KnightHawke, Guy Wheatly, and an ellusive being known as "Paperpusher." Terwilliger turns to them and beats his chest a la Tarzan.)

TERWILLIGER: We made the show! We can break it! If they have to beat us, tear gas us, so be it! Let's stand together, men!!

(He takes a bottle out of his backpack, and is about to throw it, when another bottle whirls onscreen, hits him in the head, and knocks him unconscious.)

(Cut to close-up of the next morning's paper: Internet Geek in a Coma.)

KARA: For her part, Amy's kept a very low profile the days before her premiere. However, in my last interview with her, she did have a few cryptic last words.

(Shot of Amy, looking tired and nervous.)

AMY: I'm just an actress who's been looking for her big break. Who wanted to show the full range of her talent, you know? I'm not a superhero. I can't be what everyone wants me to be. I can only be true to myself. So please, um, keep that in mind when you watch the show.

KARA: Smithee, for his part, has no final comments, other than a succint rehash of what he's already said.)

(Shot of Smithee pacing, smoking, and looking worried.)

KARA: And what does Jane think after having watched the sneak preview of the premiere?

(Shot of Jane, faux innocent.)

JANE: Oh, I'd say Amy's going to get exactly what she deserves.

(Screen fades to black. Kara walks on and faces forward.)

KARA: So what will "Abruptly Amy" be like? Will it be the heart-warming, blood-pumping drama that American families have been craving? Will it be the chance Amy's needed to leap into the spotlight?? Does Alan Smithee know? Does anyone know?? (Pause) Well, I suppose all we can do right now is wait and find out. So get set to watch the premiere episode of... "Abruptly Amy!"

(Kara continues to stand there, obviously waiting for a cue from someone to leave. But when that cue doesn't arrive, she stands there, confused, while the credits roll. Finally she shakes her head and leaves.)

As the credits roll...

(Shot of Jake, O' Neill, and DeMartino)

KARA: (offscreen VO) So if you could have your own spinoff show, what would it be?

JAKE: Well hey, look at us! When you've got three guys with as different personalities as we do, there's just one option. Crime-solving cowboys runnin' from the law!

DeMARTINO: You see one day, my character, Anthony DeMartino, goes a little too far and throws a certain quarterback out a three-story window. He kidnaps his only witness --

O'NEILL: Me!

JAKE: And they head to the wild west to escape the Man's justice. They meet my character while I'm on a business trip, and I decide to leave my overbearing wife and ungrateful kids to travel with them!

O'NEILL: We smell a ratings success!

(Cut to shot of Tiffany)

TIFFANY: By day, she's a robot. But by night...

(Stacy)

STACY: I'd love it if in my show, I could be a pilot in the future, living in some exotic locale. Like... I don't know -- Japan, maybe. (giggles.)

(Pan over to show Sandi.)

SANDI: Stacy, like you know that would never happen.

STACY: (smirking) Sandi, you don't have to be in character right now.

SANDI: Huh? Oh -- you're right! (laughs, embarrassed.) I'm so sorry, Stace. Meet ya for drinks down at the Lion's Den?

STACY: Sure!

(In bold writing at the bottom: "Actual age of Stacy: 30.")

(Cut to shot of Ms. Barch.)

BARCH: After working through my anger towards men, I'd become a jolly, wise-cracking marriage counselor who's trying to get back in the dating scene...

(Cut to shot of Jodie.)

JODIE: Against my parents' wishes, I decide to leave my prestigious Ivy League snob school and lease an apartment in Compton, California, where I serve as a counselor to African Americans who are down on their luck.

(Mack appears onscreen.)

MACK: And after deciding that pro sports just isn't for me, I earn my law degree and also head out to Southern California, so I can represent black people who otherwise can't afford real justice.

KARA: (offscreen VO) Sounds promising.

MACK: We expect it would be canceled after the first episode.

(Cut to shot of Mrs. Manson and Ms. Defoe.)

MANSON: After the Carter County school board downsizes us...

DEFOE: At the recommendation of Ms. Li...

MANSON: Because apparently schools don't need counserlors or art classes...

DEFOE: We become the gal's version of the "Odd Couple"! Sharing a rundown apartment with my freeloading college roommates who will never leave...

(Cut to shot of Ms. Li.)

LI: Things would be going splendidly for my character, as principal of one of the premiere public schools. When suddenly, from out of the blue, her widower brother and his six children move in with her from San Francisco. Suddenly Li is faced with challenges she never dreamed of, from changing diapers to teaching how to apply mascara. It would be called, "We are Fam-il-Li." Catchy, huh??

(Cut to shot of Kevin and Brittany. But before Kevin can speak --)

End credits

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