[TV Guide synopsis: It's Christmas season, and Amy's in a bah humbug mood. Will she be able to shake it in time to stop a deranged snowman from threatening Rutherford? Harvey Goldman and John Goodman guest star.]

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Rutherford, evening, a charming snowy landscape)

(Overhead shot of the town. Snow dusts the rooftops and blankets the sidewalks. Icicles hang from the eaves amidst strings of colorful Christmas lights. Pan across town to show the shops giving way to residential houses, each bursting with more Christmas decorations than the last, their windows glowing with golden fire light. In the front yard, children toboggan and have snowball fights and build snowmen. Their innocent laughter fills the air. Zoom in on one yard, where we see two blond, dimpled children -- a brother and sister -- piling snow upon a very tall, fat snowman. The little girl reaches down to pick up a branch, then sticks it into the upper torso of the snowman's body.)

GIRL: (lisping) Thith ith gonna be our bethtetht thnowman ever!

BOY: You're right, Sis! And the best part of all: we built it together.

(He and his sister pause in their activities to hug. Cut to close-up of the snowman's face: one could almost swear it was cringing. The brother and sister kneel down to pick up more snow.)

BOY: Working on this will be even more fun if we sing! (sings.) "I'll be home for Christ-mas. You can count on me! Please have snow --"

BOY & GIRL: "-- and mistletoe. And presents by the tree. Christ-mas Eve will find me..."

(Resume close-up of the snowman's face as the children continue to sing. There's a flicker -- a tiny bit of movement, enough to make one doubt. Cut to close-up of the branch embedded in the torso. Slowly, very slowly, it inches its way outward... until it falls onto the ground. The brother pauses in his singing as he spies the branch, and frowns.)

BOY: That's strange. I coulda sworn you stuck that in... (shrugs.) Oh well. (He reaches down to pick up the branch, and attempts to stick it into the torso once more. But the torso is hard and unyielding, like rubber. The brother frowns, tries harder to stick the branch in.)

GIRL: (scolding) You're not being very Chrithtmathy, Mithter Thnowman.

(Suddenly the torso begins to swell. The bottom layer of the snowman expands as well, pushing against the children with such force that they fall backwards. The snowman rises up over them, and from his torso we see octopus-like arms pushing out.)

BOY & GIRL: (blood-curling screams) AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(The snowman gazes down at them, wearing a definite expression this time -- of malevolence.)

SNOWMAN: (deep, echoey voice) So tell me children: have you been a good little boy and girl this year??

(Cut to shot of the brother and sister. A shadow creeps over their terror-stricken faces as the snowman moves toward them.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Barksdale residence, evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the very last part of the previous scene, now confined to the Barksdales' television set. Slowly zoom outward: we see each of the women engaged in some sort of Christmas activity as a news reporter speaks from the T.V. screen.)

REPORTER: (off screen, dramatic) This was the latest of an unprecedented number of snowman attacks this week. If it weren't for little Bud and Susie's heroics, they might have been tied up in Christmas lights and hanging from the roof forever.

ANDREA: (rolling her eyes) God, only in this town.

REPORTER: Police are scrambling to come up with an explanation for these Snow Days of Terror -- this one ironically occurring on the eight-month anniversary of Harvey, aka "Big Harv," Clifford's mysterious disappearance.

(Cut to televised shot of a heavy-set police officer.)

POLICE: There could be many reasons. The effects of Global Warming or of genetic engineering on our soil, tainting our ground water, could've caused the snow's chemical components to mutate. We've ruled out the possibility that it could be some run-of-the-mill maniac in a snowman's costume.

(Cut to shot of Kristovo's face on the T.V. screen. When Amy sees him, she turns her face away.)

KRISTOVO: As a concerned legal resident, I vow to do everything possible to stop this crazed lunatic.

RUTH: Shouldn't you be helping him, Amy?

AMY: (with a notable lack of enthusiasm) Oh... I'm sure he's got everything under control.

ANDREA: (astonished) Wait a sec... you're passing up the chance for some alone-time with your boyfriend??

(During this exchange, Rita's face has taken on an unreadable expression, but no one notices.)

AMY: (defensive edge) So I'd rather spend a cozy evening by the fire surrounded by my loving family. That's what the spirit of Christmas is about, isn't it?

ANDREA: But it's November.

AMY: Late November. Everyone knows Christmas officially starts the day after Thanksgiving.

RUTH: At least if we go by the supermarket candy aisle. I mean we've already put up the tree --

ANDREA: Which should be good and brown by the time real Christmas arrives.

RUTH: (frowning mildly) We've already fought our way through the post-Thanksgiving sales and purchased gifts.

ANDREA: The true rewards of the holiday season.

RUTH: (irritated) Why must you always be so cantankerous?? It's almost Christmas!

ANDREA: (contrite) Sorry. It's just that my religion sort of requires me to ridicule and demean anything attached to your religion.

RUTH: (face softening with understanding) Oh, that's right: Satanism. Pardon my insensitivity -- I keep forgetting that not everyone's Christian in this town.

ANDREA: 'Sokay.

RUTH: (cocking a wry brow at Amy) Well honey, want to tear into your mother's little faux pas? Give me a lecture about how Christmas is a time when all religions come together in peace and understanding?

(Beat)

AMY: Bah humbug.

(Andrea, Rita, and Ruth glance at each other, concerned.)

RITA: Amy, what's wrong??

ANDREA: You just passed up the chance to be disgustingly P.C.

(Beat. Amy turns her face away for a moment. Then she turns back to look at her family, face bleak.)

AMY: Why should I lecture you?? I'll only screw it up!

(Rita suppresses a gasp, and Andrea turns to Ruth with a "What the hell??" expression. Ruth looks puzzled as well, but then her face relaxes with understanding.)

RUTH: Oh I remember... she's been like this every Christmas since childhood. The first sight of a wreath hanging on a front door causes her spirits to plummet to the ground.

ANDREA: Why?

AMY: (jumping up, pacing the room) What have I done worth praising since I came to this town?? Invented a psychedelic dough that messed up people's minds! Allowed some crazed woman with a really tacky Spanish accent to almost kill Mom!

RUTH: (encouraging) You've saved the family business several times. Rescued the town from a volcano.

AMY: (not hearing her) Let some disgruntled teenager who saved me in an alleyway live in my house, only to find that I have absolutely no control over her actions, which serve as a constant source of embarrassment to me!

ANDREA: (indignant) Hey! (Then she realizes what Amy says isn't too far from the truth, and shrugs.) Well at least you keep a steady supply of clean towels.

RUTH: (to Rita, stern) Say something encouraging to your sister.

RITA: Well you... (shakes her head.) I'm sorry: it's just so nice to see you humbled for once, Amy. Normally you're always boasting about your abilities.

AMY: I am?? (looks crushed.) Oh geez, I must be the most loathsome human being alive!

RITA: (rolling her eyes) You even boast when you're trying to sound penitent.

AMY: (sniffing) Thanks for trying to cheer me up, guys, but it won't work. Nothing'll work for me right now. (lowers her eyes.) I haven't even been able to hold onto Kristovo, not since that night he walked out of my bedroom after our fight...

(Andrea's eyes grow wide with curiosity, and she inches forward as if ready to pounce on Amy for more details. Sensing this, Rita and Ruth simultaneously punch her on the arm.)

ANDREA: OW! Dammit! (She glares at them, receiving warning looks from them in return.)

AMY: (not paying attention) I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go to bed.

RUTH: At seven-thirty, dear?

AMY: (nodding vaguely) I promised myself I'd get up at four-thirty to bake those Christmas tree cookies for the shop. (She smiles faintly, then moves toward the stairs with a distinct lack of energy.) Don't worry: I'm sure this mood of mine will pass.

ANDREA: When?? After New Year's?

AMY: (barely hearing) Uh-huh. (She walks upstairs, out of sight.)

(Once she's gone, Andrea turns to Ruth, crosses her arms.)

ANDREA: All right. That woman who just left was soft-spoken and restrained -- nothing like the usual Amy. So spill it, Grandma: what happened to make her so depressed this time of year??

(Ruth sighs.)

RUTH: Well it all started...

(Her voice fades out with the scene. Fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Amy's room, a couple of hours later)

(Shot of Amy sleeping fitfully in her bed. She's lying on her back, the thin blanket covering most of her body, save her slender bare arms which are spread out on either side. As she shifts around, the viewer can see her form distinctly outlined by the blanket. Amy mumbles incoherently, her mumbles occasionally interrupted by snores.)

AMY: No good. Can't... do... anything... (snore.) right. Loser... loser... (frowns slightly.) loser.

(She lapses back into pure snoring/heavy breathing, when suddenly a soft breeze glides through the room. It causes a few of the hairs on Amy's head to stir, and causes Amy herself to shiver and turn to one side, back to the window. She buries herself under the blanket. Cut to close-up of her face, half-submerged in a pillow.)

VOICE: (soft, benevolent) Amy...?

(Beat)

AMY: Kr-Kristovo? (wakes up a little.) 'Stovito, I knew you'd be back! I've missed you so much.

(She sits up. But her glowing face quickly registers shock.)

VOICE: I'm not Kristovo.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Barksdale living room, at the same time)

(Shot of Andrea and Rita seated as they were in the previous scene, squirting colored frosting onto gingerbread houses. Ruth has disappeared into the kitchen to boil water for tea. Just as Andrea has put the final touches on a house that looks like it's going up in flames, a TV jingle comes on.)

JINGLE: This Christmas, ask your parents to help you:

(Shot of two kids jumping onscreen and posing in front of a kaleidoscope backdrop. They're wearing suits of Space Age-looking armor and toting huge rocket guns, like Power Rangers crossed with Transformers.)

(Andrea scowls and, without hesitating, picks up a small bowl of frosting and hurls it at the T.V. It hits the top and runs down the screen, blocking the images.)

RITA: (furious) Andrea!

ANDREA: (remorseless) That crappy-ass jingle for that stupid new toy has played a million times since July! Thank God my religion doesn't have the crass commercialism that yours does.

RITA: Oh yeah?? What about Halloween??

ANDREA: (indignant) We were framed, I tell you!

RITA: Oh who cares?? (sighing) I just keep thinking of all those poor kids who almost lost the chance to bug their parents to buy this toy because of some insane snowman on the loose. (sits up straighter, looking unusually resolute.) It's just not like Amy to pass up the chance to rescue people. She has to do something!

ANDREA: Hey, you heard what Grandma Ruth said. So unless you plan to --

RITA: Maybe I will!

ANDREA: (cocking a brow) Are you kidding me??

RITA: (defensive) What? Amy's the only one who can risk her neck on some cockamamie quest to thwart powers far beyond her control?? (She suddenly looks a bit faint at these words, but just as quickly sobers up.) I'll bet I could do it if I wanted to. Dammit, it's about time I put my talents to use!

ANDREA: (smirking) This I gotta see. Hell, count me in as your accomplice.

RITA: (thrilled) Great! We'll be a team! (Pause. a trifle nervous.) So what do you think we need to do first?

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Amy's bedroom, at this time)

(Close-up of the closed bedroom door, as seen from the outside.)

AMY: (off screen) I must be dreaming...

(Cut to shot of Amy sitting up in bed, clasping the blankets to her chest in order to conceal her nudity from the viewer's eye. She's mostly awake, and very confused. In the foreground, we see something white and semi-translucent hovering over her.)

AMY: Are you a ghost? (squints.) Or is the rum in my mother's egg nog a lot stronger than I thought??

BEING: I'm not a ghost, so much as a spirit.

AMY: My father's spirit??

SPIRIT: I'm afraid not. I'm a spirit that helps you probe the depths of your soul when you need to the most. One night with me will give you a new sense of clarity and purpose --

AMY: Wait -- you're not one of those "Christmas Carol" spirits, are you?? (frowns a little.) I don't want to slog through time in the middle of the night. It's cold and I have work tomorrow.

SPIRIT: Fine, fine. Well what say I take the "It's a Wonderful Life" approach, instead? You'd only have to deal with one time period, not three.

AMY: And suppose I refuse??

SPIRIT: Well... I do have the ability to restore certain conditions to what they were in a previous time. (Amy gazes at it blankly.) Are you fond of your body and new nose, Amy?

(Beat)

AMY: (alarmed) "It's a Wonderful Life" it is! (Bt) Um, could you just turn in the other direction so I can change into some clothes?

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (a quaint convenience store in town, a short time later)

(Shot of the outside, glowing lights in the window and all. Cut to shot of Rita and Andrea walking down one of the aisles, inspecting the merchandise.)

RITA: (attempting to be decisive) We'll need matches. Lots of matches in case we find the mutant snowman and he threatens us.

ANDREA: (rolling her eyes) Threatens with what -- a song?? A magic hat?? (Rita's eyes narrow.) Look, one icy puff from Señor Snow Creature and your defenses are useless. We gotta find something more powerful. Like that. (points to one of several blow torches stacked on the bottom shelf.)

RITA: (looks) Hmmm... is it within budget?

ANDREA: Is all the other crap you bought?? Y'know, I doubt snowman hunters of the past defended themselves with hand cream and eyelash curlers.

RITA: (indignant) Hey, I was being far-sighted! After we capture the snowman, we could get interviewed on T.V.

ANDREA: (cocking a brow) Assuming we get out alive.

RITA: (lip trembling slightly) We will. If Amy can do it, I can! We're not so different, you know. Sometimes I think if my parents hadn't spent so much time encouraging me to be a model, I could have developed my mind. (sees Andrea's readying a comment.) Don't say it.

ANDREA: Whatever.

(She rolls her eyes and wanders over to another aisle. Rita scowls, then dumps the blowtorch into her basket. Cut to shot of Andrea a couple of aisles over. She eyes the security camera, then stealthily slips an item that looks innocent to us now -- but will no doubt prove to be invaluable in a climactic scene when we least expect it -- into her pocket.)

ANDREA: (muttering) Yeah, she and Amy are alike all right -- like two craps in a pot.

VOICE: (male, familiar) Young lady, don't you think your mother would object to you stealing?

(Andrea turns with surprise -- pan over to show Kristovo walking up to her.)

ANDREA: Dunno; I think she'd be more pissed off about my foul language.

KRISTOVO: (suppressed eagerness) Is she here? Is Amy here??

ANDREA: Who wants to know?

KRISTOVO: Um, not me. (quickly backs away.)

(Andrea senses his vulnerability, and decides to play with him a little.)

ANDREA: Nah... I think she said something about "going to a fancy hotel, an old flame is in town, don't wait up." Perfectly innocent, I'm sure.

KRISTOVO: Oh. Right. Innocent. (forced laugh.)

RITA: (offscreen) Kristovo! (She rushes onscreen and stands uncomfortably close to the rugged secret agent, her face exuberant. Kristovo acts as though his mind is elsewhere.) What an amazing and fortunate coincidence!

KRISTOVO: Did your mother mention which hotel?

ANDREA: Aren't you supposed to be looking for the deranged snowman?

KRISTOVO: I'd still have plenty of time to do that after I paid your mother and her friend a brief visit. (He chuckles again, then clenches his fists.)

RITA: Amy's at home in bed. (proud.) Andrea and I are snowman-hunting, too.

(Kristovo glances at Andrea, his eyes narrowed. Andrea shrugs.)

KRISTOVO: (to Rita) Don't be silly. You two know nothing about the ways of these snow creatures.

ANDREA: What's to know? They melt when it gets too hot, and they're lousy in bed because no one ever gave them --

RITA: (cutting her off sharply) What do you think it is? A Yeti?

KRISTOVO: (frowning with thought) Hmm... no. Yeti actually have feet. This creature moves in a distinct unbroken line, like a gigantic slug.

ANDREA: (muttering) Or maybe someone just decided to go cross country skiing.

KRISTOVO: (intensely to Rita, who seems to hang on his every word) It has even crawled up walls and climbed down chimneys in order to get to its young victims.

RITA: That's awful!

KRISTOVO: But it hasn't killed -- yet.

ANDREA: How the hell do you know all this?

KRISTOVO: (a tad haughty) I'm an F.B.I. agent. I'm accustomed to probing the nooks and crannies of a crime scene for hidden clues. (glances at Andrea's skeptical expression.) The man who gave me this information had a little trouble with slurred speech, but the bartender assured me that it was a neurological condition.

(Andrea rolls her eyes, but before she can reply, we hear a heavy thudding noise up above. All of the lights hanging from the ceiling start to flicker and sway. Rita, Andrea, and Kristovo gaze upward. The shopkeeper behind the front counter pulls out a double barrel shotgun and quickly cocks it.)

KRISTOVO: (whispering) Be perfectly still. That could be him.

(He stealthily removes a blowtorch from its holster, then poises it in the direction of the thudding noise as he creeps over. Rita and Andrea follow closely behind, Andrea swiping a hockey puck and Rita shakily holding onto her own blowtorch. The noise grows louder.)

KRISTOVO: It sounds as though he's trying to break in.

(Suddenly there's a loud, thundrous crash through the ceiling, accompanied by a wave of snow and several heavy branches. Kristovo aims his blowtorch at the pile, until he sees that it is inanimate.)

KRISTOVO: Heh heh, I think this is just a cave in. (The lights go out, leaving them in darkness.) Yep.

END OF ACT ONE

--COMMERCIALS--

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (central Rutherford, a short time later)

(Shot of Amy trudging through the icy streets, the spirit following close behind. The shot is taken at waist level.)

AMY: (cranky) Why do we have to walk?? Can't you just scoop me up and fly me to wherever the hell we're going on your gossamer wings??

SPIRIT: Are you kidding? You may be lighter than you used to be, but you're not nearly light enough.

AMY: (scowling at his comment) For that matter, if you're so magical, why couldn't you just break the laws of physics and beam me to an alternate universe without us leaving my room?

SPIRIT: Because your show doesn't have a big special effects budget like Star Trek. Besides, we're almost there.

AMY: Almost where?? And shouldn't you be floating?? I thought all spirits were supposed to hover above ground, not slide along like giant slugs. (Bt) No offense.

SPIRIT: Well I made that crack about your weight, so I guess I had it coming. (ushers Amy toward the door of a shop.) Look, here we are.

AMY: (shuddering) Eww, you're sticky. No wonder you didn't-- (looks at the door, does a double-take.) Wait a minute: this is our bakery! (Pan upward to show the Barksdale Bake Sale sign.) The alternate universe where I never came to Rutherford is in our bakery??

SPIRIT: No, no. I'm just taking you back to the place where your aversion to the Christmas season began. To establish context for the audience.

AMY: Oh. (face brightens.) Okay!

(Cut to shot of the darkened inside of the Bake Sale. Amy opens the front door without a key -- because people in a quaint town like Rutherford don't need to keep their doors locked -- and flicks on a light. The brightened room reveals a charming array of green and red decorations intermixed with the orange and red Thanksgiving decorations.)

AMY: You want any pumpkin cookies? Yesterday was our half-off sale.

SPIRIT: I would, but I'm trying to keep my figure.

AMY: (eyeing its amorphous shape strangely) Some nice hot chocolate, then? For some reason, that's all I was able to think about on our walk.

SPIRIT: No! (catches Amy's eye again, and says quickly.) We must really be getting over to the kitchen...

(Dissolve to shot of Amy standing with the spirit in the kitchen.)

SPIRIT: Now I will take you back twenty years ago, when (voice grows echoey.) your father was with you. (Cut to close-up of Amy's face. She closes her eyes in anticipation, while the spirit's voice grows more echoey.) Your... father... was... with... yooooooou...

(Pause. Amy slowly opens her eyes and looks around. Cut to wide shot. Nothing has changed.)

AMY: (rolling her eyes) Why do I get the feeling that, like my former boyfriends, you're more talk than action?

SPIRIT: (defensive) Dammit, missy, you gotta use yer imagination! I can't do everything!

AMY: (cocking a brow at its hard tone) Fine. (She closes her eyes, and we experience a wavy fade-out.)

(Fade-in to a scene from Amy's childhood, as shown through her mind's eye. Young Amy is sitting at a table in the front area of the bakery. Plump and bespeckled, she is licking crumbs off of her fingers and off of the table itself. Pan over to show young Rita sitting across from her, looking indignant.)

RITA: Mama! Daddy! Amy ate all the Santa cookies again!

(A younger Ruth comes over and stands between them, wearing a scolding expression.)

RUTH: Now Rita, if you want to grow up to be a famous model who advertises Bake Sale products worldwide, you know you can't eat sweets.

RITA: (pouty) That doesn't make sense! Why should I sell something I never tried??

RUTH: (reassuring) That's how it's done all the time in the real world, sweetheart.

YOUNG AMY: (looking up, wounded) Wait a minute... does that mean I can't be a model??

RUTH: Oh... of course you can! (she bites her lip.)

(Beat)

YOUNG AMY: Are you laughing, Mama??

RUTH: N-nooo... (A funny sound escapes her lips.)

YOUNG AMY: You are!

(A snicker escapes Ruth's lips, and she blushes beet red. Just then Amy and Rita's father bustles out of the kitchen, whistling merrily. He looks like... well, let's just leave his looks to the imagination, shall we? Lays a comforting arm on Amy's shoulder.)

MELVIN: ("Dad" Barksdale's name) Of course you can be a model, dumpling-pie! You can be whatever you want to be.

(Amy smiles, reassured, and sticks her tongue out at her sister.)

SPIRIT: (present VO) Your father meant a lot to you, didn't he?

AMY: (present VO) He sure did. (wistful tone in her voice.) He was the only one in my family who really understood me. Or at least who didn't stuff day-old cookies into my mouth every time I tried to share my feelings.

RUTH: (stern but loving) Mel, what are you doing out of the kitchen?? You have to get that gingerbread cut up and ready for the customers when we open in an hour!

MELVIN: (jolly) Oh all right, all right -- (His words erupt in a loud, hacking smoker's cough.)

RUTH: (touching his shoulder, with concern) Honey, haven't I told you to see a doctor about that cough??

MELVIN: I will, sweetheart! (leans over to give her a reassuring peck on the cheek.) After Christmas. I don't want to spoil my little girls' favorite holiday by telling them that as we speak, I could be spiraling into an early grave.

YOUNG AMY & RITA: We love you, Daddy!!

MELVIN: And Daddy loves you! And I'm going to make sure this is the best Christmas you've ever had! (As he makes his way back into the kitchen, we hear another hacking cough, even worse than before.)

RUTH: Isn't he a wonderful husband, father, and provider, girls? (As Amy and Rita nod vigorously in agreement: ) I certainly hope nothing happens to take him away from us. That would be just horrible!!

YOUNG AMY: Mama, can I help Daddy squirt frosting faces on the gingerbread men?

RUTH: Of course, dear.

(Amy jumps out of her chair and runs toward the kitchen. As she gets there, we hear coughing and a dreadful moaning sound from her father, off screen.)

SPIRIT: (VO) And that's when it happened.

(Cut to close-up of Amy.)

YOUNG AMY: Daddy? (Her face assumes a look of horror.) DADDY!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! (She buries her face in her hands and starts weeping.)

(Cut to close up of a lone oven glove, worn by Amy's father, lying on the floor.)

SPIRIT: (VO) Your father's death that night made you reject Christmas once and for all. As the years passed, you would look back on that moment in the kitchen, and your heart would grow black with anger. You were a changed person forever.

(Pause)

AMY: (VO) Actually... no.

SPIRIT: (startled) No??

(Beat)

AMY: My father died two years later in a hospital bed with all of us gathered by his side.

SPIRIT: Bu-but what happened that night that was so traumatic for you??

(Cut to wide shot. We see Amy standing in the doorway, bawling, while a perfectly upright Melvin Barksdale gazes into the open oven, wearing an expression of disgust. Cut to close-up of the oven's contents.)

AMY: Dad burnt the gingerbread.

SPIRIT: (sputtering) He-he what?? That was what brought you to tears??!

AMY: (defensive) Hey, it was the best gingerbread in town -- ruined! We didn't have enough ingredients to bake more before the Christmas rush. (Dissolve to present shot of her and the spirit in the bakery kitchen.) And Mom and Dad didn't want to waste money... (Her voice quavers and her eyes fill with tears.) So that Christmas, we ate burnt gingerbread every day, and it just wasn't the saaaaaaame.

(As she sniffles and sobs at the memory, the spirit mutters something incomprehensible and slaps its forehead.)

SPIRIT: But dammit, your mother said -- (catches itself in time.) So some burnt gingerbread poisoned your views of Christmas. Knowing you, I'm not surprised. (mutters some more.)

AMY: (sniffling) Gingerbread?? Oh no... I became sick of Christmas once I realized how horribly commercialized it had become. Like that silly ad where the kids wear Space Age armor; it's been everywhere.

SPIRIT: (sounding almost put-out) Some people find the orgy of gift-buying to be tremendously uplifting.

AMY: (making a face) Well not me. How can people of the world unite if they're scowling at each other across a toy that they both equally want?? How can the fortunate give to the less fortunate if they're squandering their earnings on the latest video game system?? Why can't people of the world put aside their differences for the most holy day of the year--?!

SPIRIT: (rolling its eyes) I forgot I was escorting 'round little Miss Sanctimony.

AMY: (annoyed) Well it just reminds me of how helpless I am to change people's attitudes! (face takes on a look of disgust.) I couldn't even knock down Big Harv's Superstore.

(She and the spirit walk out into the main part of the store. Amy gestures at the window, where we can see Big Harv's store looming in the distance. No light has been lit within, and a big, white banner which we can't read has been draped across the front.)

SPIRIT: You think so, eh? Well then I think it's time for the second half of our journey. (It glides toward the door, then appeals to Amy.)

AMY: We're going to the Superstore??

SPIRIT: That's where the heart of your trouble lies, doesn't it?

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (residential neighborhood, at that same time)

(Cut to shot of Kristovo, Rita, and Andrea prowling along the sidewalk. Kristovo and Rita are armed with blow torches.)

RITA: (breathless) We're lucky that cave-in didn't bury us alive. (puts her hand on Kristovo's arm.) We might have... lost each other.

KRISTOVO: (turns to look straight into her eyes, murmurs) Yes... lost each other.

(He and Rita inch closer together. Suddenly something off screen causes them both to flinch and look over. Pan over to show Andrea toting a hand-held video camera, aimed right in their direction.)

RITA & KRISTOVO: Where did you get that?!

ANDREA: (calm) After that harrowing ordeal, just felt like I deserved a little compensation.

RITA: (realizing) Dammit! There was some great jewelry in that store!

KRISTOVO: Gah... and an autographed baseball! (His wistful look turns to irritation as he realizes what they are implying. He groans.) We'll return the camera to that charming little store later. For now, it could come in handy as we search for clues.

(Cut to the camera's POV: the screen immediately takes on a "shaky-cam" feel as our three heroes continue their journey through town.)

ANDREA: (off screen) Why the [bleep] couldn't we take a car?? I'm freezing my [bleep]ing ass off!

KRISTOVO: (no-nonsense) And risk driving over important clues left in the snow?? No -- we need to keep our eyes open.

RITA: (pointing) Let's go ask those people over there if they've seen anything.

KRISTOVO: (with admiration) An excellent idea.

(The shaky-cam screen pans over to show about a half-dozen twenty-somethings walking through the street nearby. They stop when Rita and Kristovo walk up to them.)

KRISTOVO: Could you Christmas carolers help us?

GUY #1: Christmas carolers? Isn't that a little presumptuous?

GIRL #1: We're Winter Solstace carolers.

GUY #2: I'm singing the melodies of Kwanza.

GIRL #2: I'm honoring the ancient celebration of Hannukah.

GUY #3: I'm just here to steal Christmas decorations from people's lawns.

RITA: Have you seen any signs of a deranged snowman on the loose?

(Pause. The youths look at each other and chuckle.)

ANDREA: My reaction exactly.

GUY #1: The "snowman come to life" is just a lot of hooey. Someone's probably playing a prank on the town.

GIRL #1: It's based on nothing more than folklore and superstition.

VOICE: (off screen, haunting and elderly) On the contraruh... the Great Snowman is vereh real. I know, 'cause I seen him.

(Everyone turns to look: an old man, shriveled and leaning on a cane, hobbles over to them out of nowhere.)

OLD MAN: It was 1953. We was in the heart of postwar prosperiteh, experiencin' the mos' terrible snowstorm in the histruh of Rutherford. Suddunleh, he appeared.

GIRL #2: (breathless) Who??

OLD MAN: (scowling briefly) The freakin' Ayatollah! (Bt) No... it was the monstrous creature made entireleh of snow. (lowers his voice.) It would crawl down yer chimneh at night, after the fire was out. It'd eat yer food, destroy yer gifts, and...

RITA: (frowning) That's funny: both of my parents lived in Rutherford during that time, and they never mentioned this.

OLD MAN: That's because the entire town was sworn to secreceh. (Bt) Until now.

GIRL #3: (breathless, fearful) Did the snowman ever kill anyone??

OLD MAN: I don't know. (lowers his voice again.) But it paralyzed some people with fear.

KRISTOVO: (voice rising) Where did it come from?? What did it want??

OLD MAN: No one knows why it came... Some say it was sent by the Devil to steal people's hopes.

ANDREA: Oh right. Like the Devil would create something so campy.

OLD MAN: Others say it was a bein' from another dimension. And others still thought it had somethin' to do with the barrels of plutonium old man Peters kept buryin' in his backyard. He wanted to build a bomb that would blow up all them Soviets.

RITA: Well how did you get rid of the snowman??

OLD MAN: We didn't. It just... vanished. As mysteriousleh as it came. Takin' with it sixeh-seven Christmas trees, one hundred turkehs, fifteh brand-new tenspeed bikes, and five hundurd plates'r cookies. And we've neverrr heard from it since.

KRISTOVO: Until now.

OLD MAN: (scowling) I alreadeh said that.

ANDREA: (scornful) So it's back for revenge, or something?

GUY #2: I think you've had a few too many drinks, old man. (He laughs, as do the other members of the group.)

OLD MAN: (scowling again) Laugh all you want. But one'r these dehs, the snow creature may come after you.

(He waves a hand dismissively and starts shuffling away, dragging his cane with him. The carolers quickly take off in the opposite direction. Rita turns to look anxiously at Kristovo.)

RITA: Do you really believe his story?

KRISTOVO: It fits the one told to me by that gentleman in the bar. And the clues I've seen around town.

RITA: But we've barely learned anything. We still don't know why the snowman is terrorizing Rutherford.

KRISTOVO: (reassuring, putting his hands on her shoulders) We know that it hasn't killed yet. That's a good thing. (thoughtful look.) Maybe it has a different purpose in mind.

(Cut to shot of Andrea, filming them with her camera. She pulls back from the camera to get a better look at Rita and Kristovo's behavior toward each other. Cocks a suspicious eyebrow. Resume shot of Rita and Kristovo. Rita blushes and averts her eyes from Kristovo's gaze... then notices something.)

RITA: Kristovo... look!

(She points down at the old man's tracks. His footsteps are one shuffling line in the snow, with a separate thin line running alongside it, from his cane.)

KRISTOVO: Not exactly the same as the snowman's tracks I saw earlier, but similar enough.

ANDREA: (rolling her eyes) So you're gonna hunt down that old geezer and mess with him because you think he's the snowman? That's gotta be the stupidest... (Pause. She smirks with mischievous approval.)

KRISTOVO: (smiling softly) Excellent observation, Rita.

(Rita smiles back at him, then picks up the blowtorch that's hooked over her shoulder and gives it a test blow. She, Kristovo, and Andrea pursue the old man.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Big Harv's Superstore)

(Shot of the outside. It looks even more run-down and desolate up close, and the banner we saw earlier was a wilted version of one we may recall seeing from the triumphant ending of "A New Beginning." It reads SARCASM: IT'S A GREAT WAY TO DEAL! Cut to close-up of Amy and the spirit approaching the building.)

(Cut to shot of a large, darkened room, filled with cobwebs. Amy creaks open a door and walks in, giving everything a look-over.)

AMY: (hushed voice) All this time, the townspeople have never torn this place down. It stands as it did the day Big Harv disappeared: a symbol either of our triumph over greed, or of its everlasting power. (Bt) Plus, all of the businesses we tried to convert it into were complete bombs. Rutherford will think twice before building another Millennium Dome.

SPIRIT: And what became of your friend, Big Harv?

AMY: (face darkening) He was no one's friend -- but rather a fat, sweaty, foul-smelling man who, for all of his money, couldn't find an outfit that didn't look one hundred percent polyester. And did I mention he was cruel and greedy, wanting to take over this entire town?!

(Her eyes narrow, and we dissolve into a flashback, which replays some segments from the Abruptly Amy pilot episode, "A New Beginning.")

(Shot of Amy, Rita, and Ruth standing in the Bake Sale, talking to the husky Big Harv and Mayor Danziger. [Click here to see what they look like.])

HARV: (eyes narrowing) Y' know, I don't think I like your tone, Ruthie. You an' Esmie are both stubborner than a pack of mules. But you'll soon see things my way, I'm sure of it.

(Cut to shot of Big Harv in a later scene, filled with rage.)

HARV: (shaking a fist at Mayor Danziger) You traitor! I'll get even with you! And when I'm done, Rutherford will be mine!!!

(Cut to shot of a later scene. After the county bakeoff, Amy and Andrea flee an angry mob, which includes Danziger and Big Harv. They jump into the convertible and drive away as cakes and pies splatter everywhere.)

(Dissolve back to the present.)

AMY: (shaking her head) He was a menace to my family's existence. Until one day, he just... vanished.

SPIRIT: And yet you feel as though you haven't exorcised his ghost from the town? (Amy shakes her head.) Well let's just see how the town would have been had you never come...

(He flutters dramatically, as if trying to sprinkle Amy with magic. As before, nothing happens.)

AMY: Let me guess: I'm supposed to close my eyes again.

SPIRIT: (meekly) And I'll guide you through.

(Amy closes her eyes. Dissolve to flashback from "A New Beginning," of Amy emerging from the subway after having rescued a car-full of passengers from Scruffy Joe. She is greeted like a hero, with people chanting her name. Cut to a shot of Amy driving home to her townhouse, which we see is perfectly intact.)

SPIRIT: (VO) Suppose your house never exploded...

(Cut to shot of Amy's living room. Amy walks in and collapses on her stomach on the couch. She picks up the remote control and turns on a television, off screen.)

AMY: Thank God I didn't miss Celebrities Week on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?.

SPIRIT: (VO) You and your adopted daughter would never have met...

(Cut to shot of Andrea, slouched over in a chair in what appears to be the Barksdale Bake Sale, but more threadbare. She wears an even more surly expression than normal.)

ANDREA: (snarling) Dammit, bitch! When I say I want my coffee pronto, I mean I want it on the table before I finish talking!

RITA: (coming over with a pot, looking more worn-out than we've ever seen her) Don't you dare talk like that to me, you little hoodlum! Not if you don't want this coffee poured over your head!

ANDREA: (dead serious) You do, and I'll burn this place to the ground.

RITA: Go ahead. (utters a sob.) This isn't our bakery anymore, anyway!

SPIRIT: (VO) Without you there to help her stand up to Big Harv, your mother sold the Bake Sale to him for a fraction of what it was worth. 'Twas either that, or be driven out of business by his reduced prices.

ANDREA: (face softening) I'm sorry: I didn't realize what a fix you were in. Man, this running away stuff is turning me into someone I don't like. I think I'll just go back home.

SPIRIT: (VO) Rita and your mother would be heartbroken about losing the family business... until Rita remembered that she never liked working there in the first place. She would then go on to open a modeling agency.

AMY: (VO, wilted) Gee, it seems as though they managed to do just fine without me.

SPIRIT: (VO) Oh, but they didn't. Andrea would return home, where, without your grating personality to constantly rub her the wrong way, she'd be a model of decorum. Then, five years down the road, she'd have gone on to found a missionary society dedicated to fighting world hunger. But then, the year after receiving a Nobel prize for her efforts, she would contract a rare illness in the mountains of Andorra and... die.

(Amy gasps. Cut to shot of Rita sitting in a fancy office, sifting through papers with a worried expression on her face.)

SPIRIT: (VO) Meanwhile, Rita's modeling agency was a smashing success... until it got in trouble with the anti-fur forces. They tied her up in lawsuits for years, until inability to pay her legal fees forced her to declare... bankruptcy.

AMY: (VO, voice shaking a bit) A-and what of --?

SPIRIT: Your boyfriend, Kristovo Martinez? Without you to lure Michael Fowler out to Rutherford, he had no way to capture your corrupt F.B.I. boss. The Bureau heads called him a complete numbskull for thinking he could snare Fowler by posing as a town fix-it man, and demoted him to Head of Dangerous Operations in Militia Country.

(Cut to shot of Kristovo being chased across an open field by a bunch of gun-toting farmers, past a sign which reads: "Republic of Tuskawa City. Population: 15.")

AMY: (VO, softly) So I never would have met Kristovo. (Bt) And what about me? What would happen to me?

(Cut to shot of Amy lying on the couch, still watching television. Suddenly there's a heavy thudding sound off screen. Amy raises her head -- just as we hear the sound of the door getting smashed down.)

AMY: Oh dear.

(Fade-out. Fade-in to close-up of her gagged face, some time later. Zoom out to show that she's scantily clad, and that she's lying on her bed, each limb tied to a bedpost. Amy struggles mightily within her bonds, making loud, protesting grunts.)

SCRUFFY JOE: (off screen, enraged) Shut up! Just SHUT UP!!!!

FOWLER: (off screen, threatening) We've had quite enough of your whining!

(Cut to wide shot. Joe and Chief sit in chairs in front of the bed, watching a television off screen, while Amy lies in the background.)

SCRUFFY JOE: We'll watch the show you want after this one's finished, all RIGHT?! (Amy responds with conceding murmurs.)

FOWLER: I wish we could have restrained her without using her clothing as bonds. (face softens with concern.) Maybe we should bring her a blanket.

SPIRIT: (VO) And as for Big Harv...

(Cut to overhead shot of the town. Speedy-mo shot of the buildings growing upward and out, until Rutherford is a shiny metropolis.)

SPIRIT: (VO) He acquired all of Rutherford and turned it into the great beacon Harveywood: a land of unlimited places to shop. Harveywood became renowned throughout the world for its sixteen different types of pretzel shops alone.

(Cut to shot of Corona Coronada seated beside the cash register of one store, whose overhead sign reads Beers of the World.)

CORONA: (explaining to a patron, as she takes his money with her spiderwebbed hand) I wanted revenge. I wanted eternal life. Until I realized how prrrofitable it would be for me to stay here and open up my own business. So now, you may have your pick of ALL THE BEERS IN THE WORRRRRRRLD! (She tips her head back and laughs evilly.)

CUSTOMER: One Mexican, please.

(Corona scowls. Quick cut to Big Harv, strutting around the mall-like confines of Harveywood, his fingers hooked in his suspenders, gazing about with a smug expression.)

AMY: (VO) Ugh! No more!

(Cut to shot of Amy and the spirit in the warehouse.)

AMY: I'm so glad I put a stop to it! (Pause. with realization.) I really did have an impact on the town, didn't I? (Bt) Maybe not the best, but definitely, definitely the lesser of two evils.

SPIRIT: You are a very influential woman, Amy Barksdale. People listen to you. You just needed to realize it.

(As it speaks these words, the spirit makes a motion that causes a door on the other side of the room to open slightly, allowing light to seep through. Amy squints at its brightness, then creeps over to take a look. Cut to close-up of Amy's face as she looks through the door. Her eyes widen and she gasps.)

(Cut to her POV: we see aisle after gleaming aisle of merchandise, everything clean and brand-new. Zoom in on the long shelf displaying the Space Armor advertised in the commercials. Cut to wide shot of Amy walking slowly into the room, looking at everything with an amazed expression.)

AMY: What is this? (She turns to look at the spirit off screen, her voice filled with mistrust.) Who are you?

END OF ACT TWO

--COMMERCIALS--

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (center of town, at that same time)

(Shot of Rita, Kristovo, and Andrea walking along main street.)

RITA: (shaking her head) I never thought an old man could run so fast.

ANDREA: Well wouldn't you if your ass was on fire?

KRISTOVO: (to Rita, with admiration) Your accuracy with the blowtorch was stunning! One would think that you scorched people on a regular basis.

RITA: There's a tempting idea. (Bt. blushing) But really, it's not too different from using a fire extinguisher to put out bakery fires. Which I have to do a lot...

KRISTOVO: Why did you never enter law enforcement?

(Beat)

RITA: (looking at him) Nobody ever suggested it to me.

(Cut to shot of Andrea. With a skeptical look on her face, she aims the video camera in Rita and Kristovo's direction.)

KRISTOVO: Well perhaps we ought to turn in for the night. After our mistake with the old man, we don't want risk turning this search into some witch hunt. (shoulders slump, suddenly depressed.) Yet we were so close...

ANDREA: (off screen) No offense, Kris, but this snowman thing is way lamer than any "The X-Files" Monster-of-the-Week. And if the local cops are already on the case, why do you care so much??

KRISTOVO: (wistful) It goes back to when I was young, living in my home country. I used to watch the television at Christmas time, see the happy children with their magical dancing snowman --

ANDREA: And you thought he was a real snowman?

KRISTOVO: No. (He blushes, realizing she was referring to the mistake he had made with Bugs Bunny in "Raiding the Bar.") But in my miserable life of poverty and broken family ties, it filled my heart with joy. And hope. (scowls.) Now some psychotic snowman threatens to take that opportunity away from another poor child.

(Andrea cocks an eyebrow: "Oookay." Rita reaches over and puts a hand on his shoulder.)

RITA: It's all right. (with more determination.) We'll stop it.

(Kristovo looks appreciative. Then he glances off screen.)

KRISTOVO: (eyes widening) Look!

(He points -- pan over to show several ice crystals grouped together in bundles, suspended mysteriously from the nearby trees.)

RITA: (off screen) That??

KRISTOVO: No. That.

(Pan over and up -- at a giant billboard that reads: The Power-up Spacesuits Are Ready to Rock and Roll For Christmas. Sold only HERE, at the grand opening of the new SUPERSTORE!. A big arrow points downward at the abandoned Superstore. Cut to shot of Kristovo, Rita, and Andrea.)

KRISTOVO: Funny, one would think we would have noticed such an enormous sign earlier.

RITA: I see it every day on my way to work, but it never registered with me. (Bt) Though I don't see why not: the reopening of the largest store in town is certainly nothing to take for granted.

ANDREA: (bristling) That stupid goddamn toy! (She reaches down, picks up fistfuls of snow, and starts hurling them in the sign's direction -- obviously missing by a wide margin.) I'm... so... SICK... of... seeing... it! DIE... DIE... DIE!!! (Her words suddenly die from her lips as she notices a wide, smooth track in the snow, alongside footprints.) Um, guys...?

(cut to:)

SCENE 2 (Meanwhile...)

(Close-up shot of Amy, eyes still wide with suspicion.)

AMY: I said who are you?!

(Cut to wide shot, with the spirit in the foreground, its back to us.)

SPIRIT: (incredulous) You mean you haven't guessed?

AMY: No!

SPIRIT: Oh come on... think of all the hints that have been dropped in this episode.

AMY: I'm not clairvoyant! I can't see what happens in a different plotline! For all I know, my mother might have won the lottery and run off with a ski instructor.

SPIRIT: (rolling its eyes) Fine, then.

(Suddenly the spirit starts to bloat up and expand, until it's become a towering white inferno. It lets out what is now a deep, guttural laugh.)

AMY: You couldn't float... you had no magic powers... of course! You're that snowman the police are after!

(Cut to a wide shot that now shows the being's face.)

BEING: Normally I might say, "Duh. Took you long enough." But in this case -- guess again.

(It hurls a gob of its white substance at Amy, which hits her on the chest and pins her against the nearest wall. Amy struggles in vain for a few seconds, then stops and sniffs. She leans down and licks the substance.)

AMY: Marshmallow? (She looks at the being, suppresses a laugh.) You're a marshmallow man??

BEING: (annoyed) Amused, are we?

AMY: N-no. (bites her lip harder.) I'm sure you're very ferocious and scary.

BEING: Maybe you'll change your tune once you see I'm not just a marshmallow man. (Its face transforms into one we might recognize, and its voice takes on a thick Southern twang.) I'm Big Harv the Marshmallow Man.

AMY: (now really struggling to suppress laughter) Oh no...

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Superstore, on a lower floor)

(Shot of Kristovo and Rita walking in front of Andrea's camera as she films off screen. They're looking around, bewildered.)

RITA: The tracks have vanished. (She scrutinizes the markings on the floor.) But I still see the footsteps.

KRISTOVO: They go up these stairs. (points to a winding staircase, which he then starts to creep up. At one point he grimaces as he tries to lift his shoe upward.) Be careful: there's some sort of adhesive on this floor.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Meanwhile...)

(Shot of Amy and Big Harv the Marshmallow Man, as before.)

HARV: (slithering back and forth) I'll bet yer wonderin' why I became a marshmallow man instead of ditchin' town like everyone thought. Well it's very simple, really. (The screen starts getting wavy as we head into a flashback.) When yer former boyfriend, Scruffy Joe, and the mob took over the town, they trapped me in my office, where...

(From "A New Beginning": shot of Big Harv, in his human form, tied up on the floor. One of the mobster goons hits a lever and sends him partial way through a trap door. He remains stuck there until the floor gives way, sending him crashing down into the basement, into a giant vat of marshmallow goo.)

HARV: (VO) ... I nearly drowned in the vat where we made marshmallows fer Harvey-brand S'mores, were it not fer a crack in the tank that I hooked my lips around and breathed through...

(Fade-out. Fade-in to sometime later in the flashback sequence. Slowly, one after another, bubbles rise to the surface.)

HARV: (VO) Fer days I was too weak to climb out. Unfortunately, l'il did I know that the chemicals in the marshmallow mix were so toxic, they was rapidly changin' my body chemistry...

(Cut to shot of a head slowly rising out of the goo. It is soon followed by an arm, which clings to the surface of the vat. Finally Big Harv climbs over the side of the tank and jumps to the ground -- but already, we can see that something has changed. Once his feet hit the ground, they bounce upward a little, causing Harv's entire body to jiggle.)

HARV: (VO) Ashamed of my hideous transformation, I remained cooped up in the basement of my store 'til I could figure out my next move...

(Cut to shot of Big Harv standing in the center of the basement, looking a great deal like the Pillsbury Dough Man. He gazes at one arm, then lets it stretch out... and out... until it hits a wall, where it remains stuck like glue.)

AMY: (VO) And so you brought me here, feeling that I owed it to you after I thwarted your ambitions in Rutherford, knowing that I was a chemist and could find a cure.

HARV: (VO, puzzled) Uh... no.

(Smash-cut to the present.)

AMY: (surprised) No? Then why am I here? Why elevate the turmoil on my show from half-baked action/family drama to cheesy sci-fi??

HARV: 'Cause I've got great plans for you, Amy Barksdale. (smirks.) Yer gonna be the pitchwoman for my new product.

AMY: (stunned) Pitchwoman? Me? But I told you how much I despise consumerism!

HARV: Yes, but maybe you'd change yer mind... fer the right reason. I may look puffy to you, Miss Amy, but I've got more power than I ever dreamed of! I can seep through the smallest crack. I can climb any wall! (He slithers up the wall and pauses when he's hovering right over Amy, his face very close to hers.)

AMY: But your body chemistry can't be stable! You'll explode!

HARV: (sneering) What?? Yer fancy chemist degree's made you an expert in marshmallow anatomy?

AMY: No. It's just that's how all the movie monsters end up. Or else they lose their humanity. Something like that.

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (just outside the room)

(Shot of the door to the room Amy and Big Harv are in. We can hear their voices, but their words are muffled. The movement toward the door suggests that someone is getting ready to come in.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Guess where?)

(Close-up shot of Amy's face, with Big Harv's face nearby.)

AMY: You honestly think you could buck a hallowed tradition of the B-movie industry??

HARV: (vaguely seductive) How could I give up the chance to creep into houses and get a whiff of the latest gossip?? Creep in through their chimneys and out through their waterpipes without anyone knowin'.

AMY: (vaguely seduced) Really?? (gets an eager expression on her face.) Have you been inside a lot of houses?

HARV: (smirking) How do you think I've spent these past few months?? (smirk turns evil.) How do you think I found out all about you... and yer boyfriend... and yer family history??

(Beat. Amy's eyes widen.)

AMY: You've seen me having sex?!

HARV: I've seen you do many things, "my sweet Amy." I spent the last month eavesdroppin' on yer conversations, gatherin' evidence, creatin' a backstory that would make you believe --

AMY: (distracted) So now I suppose you know all about the pet names Kristovo and I have for each other! And the heart-shaped birthmark on my left buttock! And Kristovo's special... problem.

HARV: (puzzled) Erm... no. What problem?

AMY: This one!

(Griping her restraints in order to brace herself, Amy delivers a powerful kick upward. It nails Big Harv right in the "face," sending him backward. Then, just as quickly, Harv recovers, the dent in his face disappearing. Amy gazes up at him and utters a weak, sheepish laugh.)

HARV: C'mon now, Miss Amy, you know better'n that. (He slithers down the wall and pulls up on the floor right in front of her.) Join me.

AMY: No!

HARV: (undeterred) Be my spokeswoman fer the new Harvey line of super space armor! I've heard what the people say around town. They respect your judgment... God knows why.

AMY: (pleading) Listen to me, Harvey: let me cure you! All mutated creatures with superpowers are really just fragile beings rejected by society. I'm sure underneath all those wonderful physical powers, you're a deeply hurting man.

(Pause)

HARV: Nah. (grins wickedly.) I don't s'pose yer a mite jealous of me, are you, Miss Amy?

AMY: Of course not! No. (forced laugh.) Me jealous. You just finished telling me how wonderful I've been for this town!

HARV: So what?? You've bent over backwards, and you still can't do what I do. (leans closer.) But wouldn't you like to be able to??

AMY: No! Never! (But there's a glimmer of wistfulness in her eyes.)

HARV: There's still enough marshmallow mix in the vat fer one more person. If you be my spokeswoman, Miss Amy, we can control Rutherford together. We can rule the world! And nothin' will make ya feel like a failure ever again!

KRISTOVO: (off screen) Not so fast, Marshmallow Man!

(Cut to wide shot of Kristovo and Rita barging in from the side, armed with blow torches. Andrea follows with the video camera.)

ANDREA: Say your prayers, Pop 'N Fresh. We've got the whole thing on tape!

AMY: (noticing) Andrea! What are you doing here??

ANDREA: (nodding at Rita) I came with her.

AMY: Rita?!

RITA: (equally stunned) Amy! I thought you were at home!

AMY: Well I'm not, obviously! Dammit Rita, it's close to midnight! On a school night, too! Don't you know any better than to put Andrea in this kind of danger?!

RITA: Excuse me, I don't think you're exactly in a position to lecture me about safety, right now! Besides, she's here in one piece, isn't she?!

KRISTOVO: (before Amy can retort) Ladies, please. This is difficult enough.

AMY: Oh hang it, Kristovo! (blushes when she realizes what she's said.) Um, I mean (shy, formal) it's good to see you again.

KRISTOVO: (suddenly awkward and formal himself) Yes, you're looking quite well. (Bt) Considering.

HARV: (sounding bored) Shall I wait 'til you four have settled yer differences before I threaten you?

KRISTOVO: No, no. (regaining control.) Rita, you go after Amy. I'll hold him off.

(Kristovo charges toward Big Harv, the flame from his blow torch at full strength. On cue, Rita comes over to Amy, poises her blow torch in front of the marshmallow restraints, and fires away. The flame causes the stiffened goo to plump up and develop a crust, its inside becoming soft and pliable. This transformation allows for Amy to break free of the restraints with little difficulty. Andrea, meanwhile, has dropped the video camera on the ground and is sneaking around to Harv's rear. Once she sees that he's not paying attention, she leaps onto his gooey frame and takes a big bite. Quivering with rage, Harv lifts her high above ground with one of his tentacle-like arms and hurls her in Amy's direction. Andrea plows into Amy and Rita like a bowling ball two pins, sending all three to the ground. Harv then coats them with a big wave of marshmallow goo, which stiffens almost instantly, trapping them. He turns toward Kristovo, who blasts him in the face with the blow torch flame. It causes part of Harv's face to bloat to grotesque proportions, and we listen has he bellows in pain. Kristovo directs the flame at the heart of his corpulent frame, and works feverishly to spread it all over Big Harv. But just as it looks as though he's succeeded, a gooey white tentacle sprouts up out of nowhere and whacks him hard on the back, sending Kristovo to the ground, sputtering. His blow torch rolls into a corner.)

KRISTOVO: (coughing, weak) You won't get away with this, Marshmallow Man!

(Big Harv quickly sheds his damaged outer layer and reverts to his usual gooey form. He grins wickedly.)

HARV: Was that the best line you could come up with? No wonder yer not the star of this show.

(Fade-out. Fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (early the next morning)

(Shot of the outside of the Superstore, now looking miraculously polished and good as new. Cut to close-up of parents and children surrounding it, gazing upward with wonder.)

(Cut to shot of the inside. In the dank basement, we see Andrea, Kristovo, and Rita pinned against the wall by stiffened marshmallow, looking dazed and confused.)

ANDREA: (cranky) So now what, O' Great Snowman Hunter?

KRISTOVO: Well, I suppose we should --

ANDREA: I was talking to her. (nods toward Rita.)

RITA: (weary) I don't know. These restraints are giving me a rash.

KRISTOVO: It must be from the chemicals in the mashmallow mixture.

ANDREA: Woo, you're sharp. So then maybe you'd know why an all-powerful marshmallow man would rather reopen his store than take over the world.

RITA: That does reek of a pathetic lack of ambition.

(Beat)

KRISTOVO: (low voice) I don't know. All I wonder is what he intends to do with Amy.

(He glances at Rita, the worry in his face causing her own expression to soften with sympathy. Both focus their gaze on the upper floor.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (Meanwhile...)

(Close-up of Amy's face, tired and miserable.)

HARV: (off screen, threatening) For the last time, you have to smile when you say the line!

(Amy sighs heavily, then puts on a very phony, overly cheerful smile.)

AMY: Hi! Do you wish to protect your children from the terrible snowman threatening our town? Well then buy them the new superstore's line of Super-Duper Space Armor, only $49.95! Matching helmet sold separately. (As soon as she's uttered these words, her face falls.) I should be shot.

HARV: (smirking) Don't go sayin' things you might regret. (He pats her cheek with a gooey hand, causing Amy to recoil.) Now I'll bet yer wonderin' why I'm trying so hard to reopen my old business when I could be out conquering the world.

AMY: (shrugging dejectedly) Because you know you're not completely invincible? National laser missile systems could turn your body to cinders, so you're content to go one step at a time, amassing an enormous corporate empire that no one could bring down?

(Beat)

HARV: (a little floored) Well I was thinkin' pure lack of ambition, myself. But I like yer explanation better. Now keep smilin' while I --

(With all of his might, he squeezes himself into a smaller shape, until we see that he's taken on human form, various indentations in his marshmallow frame marking where clothes would be. He is not in the shape of his old body, but rather one that is taller and more slender. Amy looks him over with a stunned expression.)

AMY: You, y-you... can you morph into any form you want??

HARV: (grinning) Any form. For as long as I can hold together. Now come with me...

AMY: (really jealous) Dammit!

(cut to: )

SCENE 9 (the basement)

RITA: Don't worry: Amy can fend off that monster. She overcame her Christmas blues to go after him, didn't she? (with wistful and, for once, ungrudging admiration.) For as long as I can remember, she's always done the right thing.

KRISTOVO: (troubled expression) Not... always. (He lowers his eyes.) Sometimes she only does that which satisfies her selfish desires. Without remorse.

ANDREA: Yeah, she dug up a whole crapload of dirt on my real mom just so she could avoid giving up custody of me.

(Rita thinks about that for a moment, then gets a look of quiet resolution.)

RITA: We have to believe she'll do the right thing this time, or else we're screwed. Amy has her down moments, but don't we all?? I may hate her most of the time, but deep down I know she's strong, caring, and she has the best interests of the town at heart.

KRISTOVO: (brightening as she speaks) You're absolutely right, Rita.

(Rita glances at his expression, becomes noticeably uneasy.)

RITA: Um, thanks...

(cut to: )

SCENE 10 (front of the Superstore)

(Shot of the outside. The front doors of the Superstore are now wide open. The SARCASM sign has been removed, and the entire front, windows included, seems to have been magically polished. Cars -- driven by soccer moms taking their young ones to school -- are pulling up to the parking spaces in front. Several parents with children walk up to the entrance, stunned by what they see.)

LITTLE BOY: (sickeningly cute) Wow Mommy! Is this a new warehouse for Santa Claus??

(Cut to close-up of Amy and Big Harv standing in the doorway, side-by-side. Amy wears a trembling smile.)

HARV: (murmuring in her ear) Remember: sell these suits to the consumers, and not only will I let yer loved ones go, but you have the choice of joinin' me in marshmallow bliss.

(Amy takes a deep breath as she mulls this over.)

AMY: And if I don't?

(cut to: )

SCENE 11 (the basement)

(Shot of Andrea, Rita, and Kristovo. Kristovo suddenly gets an outraged expression and tries to force his way out of his bonds.)

KRISTOVO: Dammit, if my sweet Amy's in trouble, I want to be there to help her! (He struggles some more, in vain.) She's loving, sensitive, damned attractive... how could I have been such an idiot this whole time?!

RITA: (a trifle nervous) Oh now, don't blame yourself. Amy's not that pretty. Besides, she can be a real pain in the ass... (She stops talking once she realizes Kristovo isn't paying attention, and gets a dejected look on her face.)

ANDREA: (bitter) This marshmallow crap is too strong and we don't have the blowtorches. We're never gonna bust out unless... (Bt. Suddenly her face brightens.) I've got it.

RITA: What?? A knife??

ANDREA: Even better -- a laser light pointer I swiped from that store we were in. You know the kind that blinds you if it shines in your eyes?

KRISTOVO: My God, yes! Tune those things to the right frequency and they can cut through titanium. Andrea, this is the one time I'm glad you're a thief!

(Andrea smirks, and starts to wiggle within her bonds.)

ANDREA: Now if I can just reach it...

(cut to)

SCENE 12 (front of the Superstore)

(Cut to shot of Amy standing in the doorway. By now a good-sized crowd of people has gathered around her and watches her every move with eager anticipation. In the foreground, we see none other than Bud and Susie, the two children terrorized by the snowman at the beginning of the episode.)

SUSIE: Look Mommy, ith Mith Barkthdale! The'th gonna protect uth from the thnowman!

AMY: (thought VO) Why do all the little girls who admire me have lisps? (aloud.) I certainly will. (smiles weakly.) And you can protect yourselves by buying the Super Space Armor.

MOTHER: (skeptical) Does it really do what the commercial says it will?

AMY: Um-um sure. Since when do commercials lie?

(Cut to shot of Big Harv, as seen out of the corner of her eye. He has retreated behind the door, where we see that his humanoid form is starting to lose shape. Slowly he's becoming the blob he was before. Cut to close-up of Amy having a revelation.)

AMY: (thought VO) Wait a minute: I worked damn hard to make my body as firm as it is! Why should I accept unlimited power if it means becoming the blob I used to be?? (aloud) People -- WAIT! Don't do it! The one selling you these overpriced suits is the same one who threatened you by pretending to be a snowman! RUN!

(Everyone just stares at her, as though she's gone batty.)

AMY: It's a long story. RUN!!!

(Just then one of Harv's gooey tentacles shoots out and snatches Amy. He raises her in the air for everyone to see. The people in the crowd do the predictable screaming. Harv slithers out into the open, revealing his bulging, monstrous form, then flings Amy face-first into his stomach, where she is quickly absorbed.)

HARV: You had a choice Amy Barksdale! Be my accomplice, or get demolished inside my marshmallow stomach! And now you'll never see the light of day again!!

(Just then Amy manages to burst her head through to the surface.)

AMY: (gasping for air) Run! What are... you... waiting... for?!

HARV: Dammit, you stay down there! (He shoves Amy's face back in.) Don't make me come in after you!

(He tips his head back and laughs evilly, unaware that several of the children have picked up broken bottles, garbage can lids, and other weapons that happened to be lying around, which they are now aiming in his direction. Once he catches a whiff of what they're up to, he recoils.)

SUSIE: You methed up Chrithmath, Mithter Monthter.   DIE!!!!!

(The kids start heaving the weapons in Big Harv's direction. Harv at first tries to hide behind the door, but the weapons find him anyway. They penetrate his gooey form and stick like pins in a pin cushion. Harv howls with rage and pain, then starts twirling around, faster and faster, until the force causes all of the weapons to fly off. The children scream and run, and Harv, in his rage, starts to chase him. But before he can get very far, several of the children pause to collect rocks in snowballs, which they then hurl at the monster. Again Harv winces with pain, but it doesn't seem to stop him.)

HARV: Ha-ha-haaaaaa... you'll NEVER defeat me!!!

ANDREA: Oh c'mon: you've gotta know that once you say that line, you're dead meat.

(Harv turns around, stunned. Pan over to show Andrea poised with her laser pointer and Rita and Kristovo with their blow torches. All three smirk sadistically before firing away.)

KRISTOVO: (gasping) We have to get his whole body, or else he'll blindside us!

RITA: But these torches don't have enough power!

KRISTOVO: Where can we find a larger flame??

(Harv takes this as a cue to shed his damaged outter skin and bloat up to Titanic proportions.)

HARV: You fools! Did you really think you'd get away with this?!

(In answer to his question, he gets stricken from behind by an SUV vehicle driven by one of the soccer moms. It causes him to fly backward about ten yards, hit the snow, and then roll to a dead stop. A few seconds pass: everyone wonders if he's dead. But no -- he sprouts back up and bloats to even greater proportions than before. He laughs sadistically as the soccer mom cars surround him.)

HARV: You think your puny vehicles can... (sees the mothers exit the cars, run away.) Hey, where are you going??

(He feels something embedded in his side, and realizes that they're jumper cables. Cut to close-up of the front window of one of the cars. We see that it's Amy, covered in marshmallow goo, but otherwise unharmed. She smirks as she turns the engine on.)

HARV: N-no. NO!!!

(Once the engine is revved up, electricity from the cables quickly enters Big Harv's body, bloating it to unhealthy proportions. Finally, these proportions can't be sustained any longer. Harv explodes like a balloon that has received too much helium, his fluffy remains raining over Main Street.)

CHILDREN: Ewwwww!!!

ANDREA: They did this better in Ghostbusters.

KRISTOVO: Amy!

(He runs over to her while Rita looks on, quietly relieved but melancholy. Kristovo reaches Amy just as she's opened the car door and slipped out.)

AMY: Sarcasm, it's... (She can't finish, as the rest of her trademark line is drowned out by coughing. She collapses against Kristovo, who pulls her close.)

KRISTOVO: Oh Amy... I was so afraid I'd lose you.

AMY: Kristovito... (gazes at him with wonder.) Does that mean we're...?

(Her question is met by him firmly pressing his lips against hers, to the accompaniment of "WHOOOOOO"s from onlookers. Rita watches from afar with a weary, sad expression. Finally she turns to Andrea.)

RITA: I'll just say one thing: I'm glad this is all over.

(As if in response, the ground starts quivering beneath people's feet. Several people glance in Amy and Kristovo's direction, assuming that the heat of their passion is somehow responsible. Indeed, they continue to kiss, grope, and fondle, until the shaking becomes so bad that the motion pries them apart. They each topple onto a bed of snow, only to watch as it slides out from under them and starts to coalesce in a swirling vortex. Icicles snap off of eaves and fly toward the growing swirl, as if compelled by an invisible magnet.)

AMY: (eyes wide with shock) What... the...??

(Cut to her POV: The ice and snow pull together in one gigantic, hulking form. A collective gasp is heard all around as it begins to move.)

ANDREA: (rolling her eyes) Why the hell didn't I run away to the desert??

CREATURE: (deep, echoey voice) Amy Barkssssdale...

(Cut to close-up of Amy. She gets a "Not this again" expression on her face. Slowly she stands up.)

CREATURE: As you may have guessed, I am the true Snowman Come to Life that the old man referred to in an earlier scene.

AMY: (struggling to be brave) Well I wasn't in that scene, so you'll have to fill me in.

CREATURE: Very well. (Bt) Nearly forty years ago Rutherford was prosperous, and Rutherfordians greedy. Christmas to them was about how many material possessions they could acquire.

ANDREA: (sotto) And we're different now because...?

CREATURE: They spent... and spent... buying things that they didn't need and could scarcely afford.

AMY: Why did you appear?

CREATURE: I wanted to teach the true spirit of Christmas. I would make people realize the value of their lives by threatening them. And confiscate excess material goods from the most greedy of households. For a while that seemed to make things better... until Big Harv the Marshmallow Man learned of my legend and used it for evil instead of good.

(The creature comes closer and stoops down to be on eye-level with Amy. Amy stands perfectly still, seeming quiet and composed.)

CREATURE: But thanks to you, Christmas is safe from his dark spirit. Your impeccable character helped you withstand temptation and destroy Harvey's schemes. For that, the town owes you a debt of gratitude.

PEOPLE: A-mee, A-mee, A-mee, A-mee, A-mee...

CREATURE: Well what do you have to say to that, Ms. Barksdale?

(Pause. Cut to close-up of Amy. Slowly she gives the snowman a look-over. Then she turns around and looks at everyone else chanting her name. Her face turns a ghastly pale -- this is just too much -- and she faints. Kristovo lunges forward and catches her right before she hits the ground.)

CREATURE: She certainly knows how to leave an impression.

(Fade-out. Fade-in to: )

SCENE 13 (Barksdale residence, Christmas Day)

(Shot of the outside. As a light snow falls, cheerful Christmas music plays.)

ANDREA: (off screen) Yo Mom, I think you'll like this...

(Cut to close-up of a video tape with "Exciting Moments Caught On Tape" scrawled across the label. Cut to wide shot of Amy admiring it while seated in Kristovo's lap on the floor. Andrea and Rita sit nearby. In the background, the tree in the living room glistens with bulbs, tinsel, and ornaments. Underneath, presents in shiny paper are stacked high. Stuffed Stockings hang over the fireplace. Christmas decorations of every kind fill the room, bringing it dangerously close to fire hazard levels.)

AMY: Oh honey, if it comes from you, I'll love it.

(Andrea smirks at her, then at the unsuspecting Kristovo and Rita. Just then Ruth walks into the room with a tall, blond haired man in a ski outfit.)

RUTH: (warmly, to Amy) I'm so glad to see you're back in the holiday spirit, sweetheart.

AMY: Thanks, Mom. (smiles serenely.) And I'm glad you had such a good time learning to downhill ski with Sven. (nods at the blond man.)

RUTH: I thought: what else was I going to do with all that off screen time -- bake? (This response is greeted by good natured laughter from all but Andrea.) Now who's next for presents?

ANDREA: ME! (Pause. She looks down, embarrassed by her eager response.) Um, I mean: whatever.

(Ruth hands her a few large gifts. Andrea looks them over, a grudgingly impressed smirk on her lips.)

ANDREA: Hey, this one's from Mom and the girls in prison. (In the tradition of convenient gift-opening on television, she merely lifts off the box top to reveal what's inside.) Cool -- personalized license plates! (She holds up ones that read "GOD CZ U," "BRK US OT," "HELP US!" Each one is met with good-natured laughter. Andrea then reads the tag on the next gift, makes a groaning face.) This one's from Ryan. (She pushes it aside, then looks at the next tag with wonder.) And this one's from... Jesse?

RUTH: (spying another gift under the tree) Oh look! One from my still-favorite daughter Helen Morgendorffer and her family in Lawndale. (leans over to read a note on the tag.) Helen apologizes for all of the nastiness she brought upon us the last time she was here, and hopes we'll accept this Lasagnas of the World recipe book as a peace offering.

AMY: Now there's the true spirit of Christmas! Not compulsive gift-buying, but getting back in touch with your loved ones and mending fences! (glances slyly at Kristovo.) Although I did enjoy your gift...

(Kristovo smirks, draws her closer to him, and starts nibbling her ear. Meanwhile, a depressed-looking Rita slumps against the tree, causing a few branches to jiggle and the ornaments on it to shake.)

RUTH: (hearing the jingling sound of the ornaments) Why it sounds like another angel is getting its wings!

AMY: God bless us... every one.

ANDREA: (cringing) That's it. I have got to get out of this scene. (stands up quickly, exits the room.)

RUTH: (benign smirk) More caroling for us, then. (Bt) By the way, Kristovo my dear, how do you like the hot chocolate?

(Cut to close-up of Amy and Kristovo's mugs on the floor, each filled part way, with giant marshmallows floating on the surface.)

KRISTOVO: (off screen) It's absolutely divine, Mrs. Barksdale.

(Zoom in on the mugs. Slowly the mashmallows start to wiggle and coalesce.)