"There She Goes," sung by Sixpence None The Richer:
There she goes...
There she goes again.
She's racing through my brain.
And I just can't contaaain
This feeling that remains.
There she goes...
ACT ONE
SCENE 1 (farmyard, nighttime)
(A stereotypical farmer trudges through the muddy land, calling for his only true friend.)
FARMER: Bessy?! Where is you, Bessy?! Bessy!... Where is that durn cow, dagnabbit?
(He comes to a fault in front of his cornfield, steam slowly wisping from it.)
FARMER: Well, what the galburn-diddley is this?... It ain't cow-related, so I'll just move on.
(He does... for three minutes, to increase dramatic tension. Eventually, the sounds of a bovine's tortured screaming can be heard in the distance.)
FARMER: Bessy?!
(The farmer runs towards the sound. He arrives back in the general area of the cornfield we were just at. More smoke has billowed up... and the charred remains of a skeletonized cow rest before the farmer's eyes.)
FARMER: (can't believe it) ...No... No... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
(The farmer gets down on his knees. Cut to an overhead shot that quickly pulls out as he shouts to the sky:)
FARMER: BESSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
(His voice echoes into the next scene:)
SCENE 2 (close-up of a TV playing the news)
ANCHORMAN: This is Dick Cox with the morning news. Our top story: Have aliens come back to dismember cows once again? This really official scientist had this to say:
(cut to scientist)
SCIENTIST: Uh--
(cut immediately back to newsroom)
ANCHORMAN: He said that there is no conclusive evidence at this time. What are we to do? Hopefully with an answer, here's Fanny Wang live from the site of this tragedy. Fanny?
(zoom out to find that said TV is in the Barksdale living room. Amy is sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee, watching. Andrea walks up behind her.)
AMY: (hasn't noticed Andrea yet) Aliens? How I scoff at such an idea. I mean, I'm a scientist of sorts and I know for certain that the whole idea of aliens coming over just to skeletonize a cow makes absolutely no scientific sense.
ANDREA: Does it truly make that much less sense than a mouse shattering into a few million pieces? Or a lump of dough that's highly combustible yet edible? Or someone being able to survive a cliff dive of several miles? Or--
AMY: Yes, yes, all those things make more sense. And I could explain the scientific possibilities of each right here and now, but I do realize that you have school right now. Shouldn't you be off?
ANDREA: I was just about to.
AMY: Ah. All right.
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Rutherford High classroom.)
(Science class, minus Andrea.)
TEACHER: Blah blah blah blah, really big sciencey words, blah blah blah-blah. Blah blah blah. No lines written that make sense, blah blah, because TV viewers wouldn't understand it anyway, blah blah blah.
(Andrea strolls in through the door, casually passing the teacher without so much as explaining her absence or handing over a note.)
TEACHER: Ah, Ms. Hecudale.
ANDREA: What?
TEACHER: Ms. Barkuba.
ANDREA: What?
TEACHER: Andrea, late again, I see. I suppose you also did not bother to do your homework last night, about how liquid nitrogen can freeze many things instantly.
ANDREA: Not technically.
TEACHER: Whatever can I do to make you do any constructive work in this school?!
ANDREA: I suppose you could [bleep bleep bleep bleepity bleep bleep], but I doubt that'd do much in your favor.
(Pause.)
TEACHER: ...Huh...
AMY: (V.O.) Mouthing off to the teacher again, Andrea?
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Barksdale Bake Sale)
(Amy disciplining her adopted daughter.)
AMY: I just don't know what to do with you.
ANDREA: (Hopeful) You could disown me?
AMY: Oh, I would never do that, sweetie.
ANDREA: Aw, sh--
AMY: Wait right there, missy! You are not going to curse any longer. I mean it!
ANDREA: Uh-huh.
AMY: Seriously! I have had enough of that! Whenever you swear despite my countless warnings not to do so, it just makes me feel like you don't care about my feelings!
(Beat. Andrea blinks.)
AMY: Now, close up the store for me. I'll punish you when I get back home. I have some rather important business to take care of.
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (in the forest, around some natural springs, evening)
(Giggles can be heard as we pan over to the springs, various clothes flung out onto the bushes. We eventually come to Amy and Kristovo enjoying themselves in the naturally warm waters.)
AMY: Oh, this was such a good idea, Kristovo.
KRISTOVO: Well, it was your idea.
AMY: Was it? Oh, it doesn't matter whose idea it was. It was still a great idea.
KRISTOVO: Why, yes. Yes it was.
(Amy playfully bounces over to snuggle up to Kristovo, showing as much cleavage as network censors would allow.)
AMY: Mmmmm. This was such a good idea.
KRISTOVO: I do believe you said that.
AMY: Yeah, yeah. Mmmmmm. (Beat, chuckles) Stop that.
KRISTOVO: What?
AMY: (Laughs again) That.
KRISTOVO: That wasn't me.
(Suddenly, a large amount of bubbles, um, bubble to the surface.)
KRISTOVO: That definitely wasn't me.
AMY: (Immediately panicked) We should get out of here.
(She turns around and starts to climb out. But just before we can see anything interesting:)
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (Barksdale living room)
(Ruth is sitting on the couch with her arms crossed. A door is heard opening a closing.)
RUTH: Is that you, Amy?
AMY: (O.S.) Yes, Mom.
RUTH: (getting up) Well, you should know that your daughter was caught stealing from the cash register again! I keep telling you not to leave her alone in there and-- Oh, good God! Put some clothes on!
(Amy runs by the camera; we can only see just below her shoulders.)
AMY: Science waits for nothing, Mother!
RUTH: Amy!
AMY: (stops running for just a moment and sighs) But I guess if I want to set a good example for Andrea, I'd better do what my mother says.
RUTH: Good. Now scoot.
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (the springs, suddenly daytime because it's convenient that way)
(Amy, fully clothed, kneels at the waters, some science-ish equipment behind her. She swirls around some of the water in a test tube.)
AMY: Hmm... Mmm-hmm... Oh no... Oh, this can't be good.
RITA: (V.O.) What is it?
(cut to: )
SCENE 8 (Barksdale dining room)
(The family has gathered at the table for Amy's news.)
AMY: A volcano.
RUTH: What?!
AMY: A volcano, I tell you! The pH levels were phenomenally high!
ANDREA: How high?
(Beat.)
AMY: Very high.
ANDREA: Do you even know what pH stands for?
AMY: Look, I don't have time to answer such questions! I must get to the mayor right away and inform him of the dangers that await this humble town! Andrea, you're coming with me.
ANDREA: What?!
AMY: C'mon, think of saving civilization as our own form of mother-daughter bonding.
ANDREA: Okay, yeah, whatever.
SCENE 9 (Rutherford City Hall)
(Amy and Andrea in front of Danziger's desk.)
AMY: So you see sir, I find it at the utmost importance that you evacuate the town as soon as possible. Sooner, even!... Right now would be good. Yesterday would be better, but that'd just be silly; there's no such thing as time travel.
DANZIGER: You are being sarcastic, aren't you?
AMY: No, I am not, in fact... although it is a great way to deal. I am merely trying you to warn you, for such a natural disaster could be... disastrous!
ANDREA: Bad, even.
DANZIGER: I am sorry, but the answer is no.
AMY: What? Why? What could be more important than the hundreds of lives at stake?
DANZIGER: Tourists, of course!
(Beat.)
DANZIGER: Oh, what? It's a perfectly legitimate reason to let the townspeople perish! I mean, c'mon. Money.
AMY: I am shocked and appalled.
ANDREA: Pissed off, even.
AMY: Naughty language, Andrea.
ANDREA: What? Oh, sorry.
AMY: (to Danziger) I don't believe you could be so selfish! Think of the people!
DANZIGER: Tourists are people, too!
AMY: True, that. But still, the people!
DANZIGER: The tourists!
AMY: People!
DANZIGER: Tourists!
AMY: People people people people...
DANZIGER: Tourists tourists tourists tourists...
(They continue in unison.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 10 (Barksdale Bake Sale)
(Amy and Andrea behind the counter.)
AMY: That sure went nowhere fast.
ANDREA: What the hell-crap-goddamn-ass-bitch is so special about Rutherford that it could get tourists, anyway?
AMY: Why, only the country's best bake shop, using only all natural ingredients and none of that frozen dough stuff that other so called "bake shops" use.
(Beat.)
ANDREA: (Prompting) Yeahhhh?
AMY: Probably something else, but your naughty language put me off.
ANDREA: Oh, come on.
AMY: Okay, okay, the world's biggest video tape. Back in the days when they thought beta tapes were going to beat out VHS, one local company thought that bigger was only going to get better. So they made a video tape that stands three stories tall on its side... The VCR was destroyed in a very tragic fire. However, this company only converted one movie into this format, and it stands in the middle of town to this day as a reminder of... some very noble things, I'm sure.
ANDREA: Dare I ask what the hell this movie they chose was?
AMY: "Porky's." Oh, look, a customer!
(A man enters.)
MAN: Hello, Amy!
AMY: Hello, Man! How's your family, Woman, Kid, and Kid #2?
MAN: Oh, can't complain. Mmm, smells good in here. What can you suggest?
AMY: Well, there are these lovely cinnamon scones here...
MAN: Mm-hmm.
AMY: Or you might be interested in these strawberry croissants...
MAN: Ooo.
AMY: And of course there's the "Omigod, There's a Volcano; Run For Your Life" Special.
MAN: That strawberry croissant sounds nice.
AMY: Oh... Okay. Here.
(Amy bags the croissant and hands it to the man, who walks out.)
ANDREA: That was about as subtle as a slap in the face.
AMY: And yet that was still too subtle. There must be some way to warn the townspeople...
(cut to: )
SCENE 11 (street corner)
(Amy is wearing a sign reading "Repent!" and shouting through a bullhorn.)
AMY: Beware! Beware! Do not let lava destroy your way of life! Move from this place! Leave now! Sell your homes! Or don't even bother to wait for someone to buy them-- Just LEAVE! Oh, and, um, repent. I don't know why, but that just seems like the thing to say when you're wearing a sign on a street corner shouting to the deaf masses.
(Ruth, Rita, and Andrea come up.)
RUTH: Much luck?
AMY: (Still through the bullhorn, sobbing) No! Everyone is just staring at me like I'm some sort of crazy person!
RUTH: (to Andrea and Rita) I know what you're thinking, and no. (to Amy, taking her bullhorn away) Now Amy, calm down and think this through. I know you have been honest in the past and your scientific knowledge is never to be questioned, but have you ever considered the idea that there may not be a volcano at all?
AMY: What... what are you saying?
RUTH: That there may not be a volcano at all. Why should you look like a fool in front of all these people who don't know you? Don't you feel embarrassed at all?
AMY: But what if I'm right?
RUTH: But what if you're wrong?
AMY: But what if I'm right?
RUTH: But what if you're wrong?
(Beat.)
AMY: You make a very convincing and thorough argument, Mother. Parents are correct 100% of the time and are never to be questioned.
RUTH: Good. Now come home. I'll have your dinner ready soon.
(Ruth turns to leave.)
RITA: (to herself) Can one really repent if one hasn't pented in the first place?
(Ruth smacks her in the head, then indicates that they should all leave... so they do. Amy lingers behind to remove the sign from herself.)
AMY: (to the camera) She has to be right. This whole thing is all just in my head. I mean it's-- Oh, wait. Obligatory cameo time.
(Tom Sloan walks up to Amy.)
TOM: Hello. I'm Tom Sloan from Lawndale. My parents are rich so they love to travel the country a lot, so that's why I'm here. Are you the famous Aunt Amy of whom Daria speaks of so often?
AMY: Oh, yes.
(Lava suddenly spews from from a crack in the street, engulfing Tom in a lot of screams and sound effects that sound really cool if you have stereo. His charred skeleton falls over.)
AMY: (to the camera) You ever have one of those feelings that thousands of people have cheered and just as many have booed at the same time? (realization) Oh, right. Impending doom has just been verified. Should I play the hero or the panicky woman?... Maybe I should try for both.
(Amy runs in the direction her family had walked off to.)
AMY: Mom! Andrea! Rita! Waaaaait!!
END OF ACT ONE
--COMMERCIALS--
ACT TWO
SCENE 1 (Barksdale Bake Sale)
(Andrea stands behind the counter. Amy bursts in!)
AMY: Oh, thank God I'm not too late!
(A crack in the ground immediately opens up, spewing lava straight up!)
AMY: Oh no! I am!
ANDREA: Whoa. Cool.
AMY: Andrea, let's get out of here!
ANDREA: Sure, okay.
(They exit. Once outside, Amy grabs Andrea by the arm and runs as fast as she can.)
ANDREA: I'm surprised you didn't go so far as to heroically rescue your mother and sister as well.
AMY: I will.
ANDREA: Then why didn't you when you were inside?
AMY: (stops running) You mean they're--
ANDREA: (rolling her eyes) In the kitchen. Sheesh.
AMY: Oh my God aaaaahh no I must save them!
(Amy starts running back in, still gripping Andrea.)
ANDREA: Hey, don't drag me back in there!
AMY: Sorry!
(She lets go and charges in.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Barksdale Bake Sale kitchen)
(Ruth is kneading bread while, behind her, Rita secretly takes a few sips of the cooking sherry.)
RUTH: Dear, could you take the muffins out of the oven?
RITA: (quickly putting down the bottle) Whatever you say, Mother.
(Rita opens up the oven, causing a pile of hot lava to spill out of it!)
RITA: Um, what were you making again?
RUTH: (turning around to see what Rita's talking about) Oh, my Lord!
(Suddenly, Amy kicks in the door!)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (outside the Bake Sale)
(Amy kicks down that door too, carrying Ruth and Rita under each arm! She sets them down next to Andrea.)
RUTH: Oh. Oh, my. Bless you, Amy. I am so sorry I didn't believe you.
AMY: (solemn) So am I, Mom. So am I.
(Beat.)
ANDREA: Um, hello? Death and destruction?
RITA: Yeah, we really need to get out of town!
AMY: But Rita! Think of the townspeople! We must rescue all of them!
ANDREA: Uh, Mom? You haven't noticed the piles of cars lining the streets? And that those without vehicles or much common sense are looting the stores?
AMY: Oh, you're right. Let's get the hell out of here.
ANDREA: Language.
AMY: Sorry. Come on, family! My car is parked near the street corner where I was trying to warn the city!
(They all run.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (street corner)
(The roads are crowded with horn-honking vehicles, moving very slowly, if at all. Meanwhile, lava is spewing from every orifice of Rutherford; apartment windows, fire hydrants, and manholes... The Barksdales are finally getting close to Amy's car! However, she suddenly holds the rest of them back...)
(Close-up of Amy's car. A stream of lava is pouring towards it.)
(Back to the Barksdales.)
AMY: Hit the dirt!
(They all duck out of the way as the lava touches the rear tire, naturally causing the entire vehicle to immediately explode in slow motion. When the echoes die down, Amy raises her head to look at the wreckage.)
AMY: Noooooo! Not my incredibly good looking and expensive car that'll no doubt return without a scratch nor an explanation by the next episode! Now how will we escape?!
(Miraculously, Trent Lane pulls up in The Tank to lend a hand!)
TRENT: Whoa, it sure is crowded in the streets. Is it tourist season or something?
AMY: Look, everyone! It's my sarcastic niece's soulmate! We're saved!
ANDREA: Her what?
AMY: Everyone get in! Trent, you'd better drive off the road. Time is not on our side!
TRENT: Okay. Cool.
(Amy takes the front seat while everyone else climbs in back. The Tank pulls out and takes off.)
SCENE 5 (inside The Tank)
AMY: So, Trent, what brings you to Rutherford?
TRENT: Is that where I am? I was just trying to get to a 7-Eleven for some coffee... I got sorta lost.
AMY: Oh.
(A few uneventful seconds pass.)
AMY: (suddenly) LOOK OUT!!!
(POV through the windshield. A tidal wave of lava is heading right towards them! They all scream for their pathetic little lives! Trent swerves out of the way in the nick of time!)
AMY: Thank goodness no one was hurt.
(The van hits a bump and a man's grunt is heard. Amy raises an eyebrow.)
AMY: Um... maybe you'd better pull over.
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (middle of Rutherford)
(Everybody exits The Tank to find that Trent had run over Kristovo!)
AMY: Oh, noooo! Why, God?! Why?! Why couldn't it have been me instead?! Or Rita!
RITA: Hey!
KRISTOVO: (dusting himself off) No, it's okay. I'm fine, see?
AMY: (still sobbing) Cruel, cruel fate! What have I done to deserve the loss of my one true love?! He was such a great kisser, too! Whyyyyy?!
KRISTOVO: (gets up) Hey, I'm all right. Look at me. I'm okay.
AMY: (pounding the ground with her fist) Now I shall never again know the sweet, sweet touch of his lips! The whispering of sweet nothings into my ear! The rhythmic bedsprings going--
KRISTOVO: Amy!
AMY: (suddenly recovers) Oh, you're alive! Thank you, Lord!
TRENT: Cool.
AMY: Come on! We can still make it out of town! Get into the car!
(Hot magma suddenly gushes by, sweeping The Tank away with it.)
TRENT: Oh, noooo! Why, God?! Why?!
ANDREA: Great.
TRENT: (pounding the ground with his fist) Why couldn't it have been me instead?! Or Rita!
RITA: Okay, now that's just plain mean!
TRENT: Cruel, cruel fate!
AMY: (interrupting, pointing) Hey, everyone, look over there!
(Pan over the The World's Largest Video Tape! You remember me mentioning that, right? Nice subtle foreshadowing, eh?)
AMY: Kristovo, can you use your manly man-muscles to knock that over?
KRISTOVO: Can I!
(Using every ounce of strength that his rippling, sweaty biceps could produce, Kristovo manages to topple the video over!)
AMY: Everybody climb on!
(They do, just in time for a wave of lava to pick the tape up like an ocean would a ship.)
RITA: Wow... Now what do we do?
AMY: All we can do is wait... and survive...
(Pan up to the sun. Dissolve to a few hours later, when the sun has fallen a little. Pan back to our castaways. Trent is trying to compose on his guitar. Andrea looks to be on the brink of snapping.)
TRENT: Fleas my dog has... Dog has fleas my... Has my fleas dog...
(Not being able to take it any longer, Andrea grabs Trent's guitar and flings it into the lava. It burns up in a tremendous fireball!)
TRENT: Hey!
ANDREA: Just consider yourself damn lucky that it was only the guitar I threw out!
AMY: Andrea!... Your language! Please!
ANDREA: Oh, what? It's just a word! It doesn't hurt anyone! Damn, damn, damn! See?
AMY: Don't you see? It does hurt! It hurts your soul!
(Beat.)
ANDREA: What the hell does that mean?!
AMY: Now that's enough, young woman!
RUTH: Both of you, calm down this instant!
AMY: Please keep out of this, Mother. I can handle it.
RUTH: Like hell, you can.
ANDREA: (to Amy) How come she gets to?
AMY: Mother, you're not being the best role model here! Now please keep out! I saved your life!
RUTH: I gave you life!
AMY: What's life worth without love?
KRISTOVO: Um, don't I provide the love?
AMY & RUTH: Butt out!
AMY: And while we're on the subject of people's faults, let's bring Rita into this! You have a drinking problem, Rita! I know you're trying to stop, but trying isn't good enough! Please help us by helping yourself! And don't do drugs either!
(Rita flies into a drunken rage despite the fact that she isn't drunk. She grabs a beer bottle out of nowhere and throws it as hard as she can at Amy's head, missing. It hits the lava, bursting into an impressive ball of flames.)
TRENT: Dude!
AMY: Maybe arguing like that wasn't the best idea.
RITA: (sobbing) I love you, Amy!
AMY: (sobbing) I love you, Rita!
(They hug.)
AMY: You're right, Kristovo. You do provide me with love. I'm sorry I take that for granted.
KRISTOVO: S'alright.
AMY: (pointing) Hey, look! There's the mayor, desperately hanging onto the roof of City Hall for dear life!
(The video floats by him. He is indeed hanging onto the edge of the roof to keep from falling into the magma below. The lava has gotten to the height where it's just a few feet from engulfing the building whole.)
AMY: Hello, there. You need any help?
DANZIGER: (waving an angry fist in the air) I need no help from you, Barksdale!
(He slips a little, then grabs the roof with both hands again.)
DANZIGER: Whoa Jimmie. Bad idea.
TRENT: Boy, your mayor sure is hanging out.
(The others laugh way too much to be natural.)
TRENT: Did I say something funny?
(They laugh again. Laughter turns to screams as the plunge over the side of a cliff... a lavafall if you will. Fade to black.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (mysterious room)
(Close-up of Amy's inanimate form. Eventually, she comes to.)
AMY: Ohhh, what happened?
MALE VOICE: A very convenient plot twist, my dear!
AMY: That voice! It's--
(Zoom out! It's--)
TOM: Yes, 'tis I! Back in Lawndale, I am merely known as mild mannered Tom Sloan... But in my world, I am known as... Evil Tom! Mwa ha ha! Mwa ha ha ha! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA HA HA HA--
AMY: What is--
TOM: The evil laughter! Do not interrupt the evil laughter!
AMY: Sorry.
TOM: You should be. Now... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! HA HA HA HA HA! MWAH HAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Whoooooo! Whew. Whoa nelly. Okay. Wow. Very therapeutic. (ahem) Okay, yes? You were saying?
AMY: What--
TOM: Now I interrupt you! I can do that! I'm evil! Ha! Well, tootles! I'll see you later when I spill out every single detail of my evil plan. Bye-ya!
(He exits, slamming the door. Cut to black.)
END OF ACT TWO
--COMMERCIALS--
ACT THREE
SCENE 1 (Amy's jail cell)
AMY: What am I going to do? And where is everyone?
ANDREA: (O.S.) I'm over here.
(Amy turns around to find Andrea was telling the truth.)
AMY: Oh, thank goodness! But... where's everyone else?
ANDREA: How the hell should I know?
AMY: Oh, Andrea...
EVIL TOM: (O.S.) Where is everyone else, you ask?
(Amy turns around again to find Evil Tom and a little boy.)
AMY: How'd you get in here without us hearing?
EVIL TOM: Mysteriously. Now, I'll tell you where your friends and family are, but first the details of my Evil Plan.
BOY: Would that be a good cue for some evil laughter?
EVIL TOM: Very observant, Billy.
(They laugh.)
AMY: Um, who's that?
EVIL TOM: Oh, this is Billy. He's my evil sidekick. Say hello, Billy.
BILLY: Hello.
EVIL TOM: Okay, Evil Plan time. I mean it this time. Get comfy. Okay... Amy Barksdale, would you not agree that this volcano is a huge natural disaster?
AMY: Of course.
EVIL TOM: Well, you're wrong! It isn't natural at all! It was in fact all created by me!
AMY: What?!
EVIL TOM: It was in fact all--
AMY: I know what you said!
EVIL TOM: I know, but I just find making puns so evil. Anyway, this isn't the first volcano I've created. Several cities have fallen because of me! And it isn't just volcanoes; there are hurricanes, like in my hometown, and just about everything else, like in Florida.
AMY: I bet you rigged the election there, too.
EVIL TOM: You betcher! Okay, my point is that slowly but surely every town in the world will have fallen to one of my "natural" disasters!
ANDREA: Very slowly.
EVIL TOM: Well, yeah. But you know the moral of "The Tortoise and the Hare."
AMY: So what if you cause all these disasters? The towns still rebuild!
EVIL TOM: Ah, but not without funding. And that's where my family's wealth comes in. You see, I help every town I destroy get back on their feet, financially. By continuing this trend, every city in the entire world will owe me! And you know that government officials almost never repay financial debts, so I offer them a trade... I'll call off all their debts if they let me rule the world! If the choice is between that and money, they'll surely let me.
AMY: My, that is rather...
EVIL TOM: Evil?
AMY: Yes!
EVIL TOM: Well, that's kind of the point.
ANDREA: I would rather say it's quite stupid, but I say that about almost everything anyway.
EVIL TOM: You're pretty evil, too. I like that. Anyway, I'm off. Tah!
AMY: Wait-wait-wait-wait. I saw you destroyed by the volcano! You were one of the fist victims!
EVIL TOM: Actually, that was my evil clone. I needed to destroy it in front of someone so nobody would suspect that I was behind all this!
AMY: Then why'd you kidnap me?
(Pause.)
EVIL TOM: Hey, shut up! Okay, so my Evil Plan's not perfect, but at least it'll work!
AMY: (all too cheerful) Of course it will! Anything is possible if you put your mind to it!
EVIL TOM: Yes, thank you. Okay, bye now.
AMY: Wait!
EVIL TOM: Oh, now what?
AMY: You said you'd tell me what happened to the others!
EVIL TOM: Oh, I did, didn't I? Um... Billy, what did I do with them?
BILLY: I think you put them on that really slow dipping device into a pool of artificial lava.
EVIL TOM: Oh, pfff. That's right. Will that do, Amy?
AMY: I guess.
EVIL TOM: Okay, off I go then. Come, Billy.
BILLY: (Peter Lorre voice) Yes, master.
EVIL TOM: Stop being silly.
BILLY: Sorry.
(The two exit.)
ANDREA: Boy, he sure says "evil" a lot.
AMY: Oh, I should've known anyone in cahoots with Helen somehow would be like this.
ANDREA: So, what do we do now?
AMY: Hmm... I say we act all sexy at the single inept guard until he opens the door for us, at which point we get all kung-fu on him and escape.
GUARD: (O.S.) And that maybe would've worked if you hadn't said it all out loud.
AMY: D'oh! Okay, new plan. We wait until he's asleep, then put together a makeshift hook on a rod which we use to grab the unusually large key ring that holds only one key.
GUARD: (O.S.) Heard that too.
AMY: D'oh! Okay, new plan. You'll fake sick until he comes in to check--
ANDREA: How about you whisper?!
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Evil Tom's Evil Lab)
(Rita, Ruth, Kristovo and Trent are all tied to a really slow moving... dip... thing. I don't know what else to call it; sue me.)
RITA: So this is how it all ends! And I've never known true love!
RUTH: I didn't survive two strokes and a spinal surgery to go like this!
KRISTOVO: I'm too beefy to die!
TRENT: Zzzzzzzzz.
RITA: Isn't there anything we can do? I mean, nobody's watching so we should be able to do whatever we can, right?
RUTH: Uh... No. We're dead. Deal with it.
RITA: Darn.
KRISTOVO: Wait! Perhaps I could force my firm, manly body to excrete extra oil and sweat! We can slip out of our binds!
(Beat.)
RITA: I think I'd rather die.
RUTH: Yeah, me too.
TRENT: Zzzzz.
KRISTOVO: (grunting) Must... excrete... man... oil...
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Amy's jail cell)
AMY: Maybe we can get one of our friends to pose as another guard taking over the next shift.
ANDREA: What friends?! They're all being dipped in lava!
AMY: Oh, right. Um... Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
ANDREA: How about this?
(Andrea walks up to the door and knocks. The guard sticks his head in.)
GUARD: Yes?
(Andrea slams the door in his face, then opens it back up.)
ANDREA: Let's go.
(She leaves. Amy lingers behind, shrugs, then follows.)
SCENE 4 (Evil Tom's Evil Hallway)
(The two come to a fork in the path. Amy decides to go right.)
AMY: Come on! This way!
ANDREA: (following) How do you know?
AMY: I'm Amy Barksdale! I always know!
(They come to a dead end. Beat. They turn around.)
AMY: (even more sure of herself) This way!
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Evil Tom's Evil Lab)
(Evil Tom and Billy enter. Rita, Ruth, Kristovo and Trent are slightly closer to their doom.)
BILLY: You don't usually watch your victims die their slow-slow-slow deaths. What's up?
EVIL TOM: My Evil Sense is tingling! Something's going to happen here; I know it.
TRENT: (suddenly waking up) Dyuh, we're not trying to escape!... Oh.
BILLY: (to Evil Tom) Um... was that it?
EVIL TOM: Nnnnno, I don't think so.
BILLY: So we're just gonna wait?
EVIL TOM: Well, the episode's coming out a bit short. We need to pad it out a bit.
BILLY: Oh... How?
EVIL TOM: Good question.
RITA: (whispering to Kristovo) I think that's enough grease. I think I might be able to get an arm out.
KRISTOVO: (whispering back) Good. Give it a try.
(Amy once again kicks down a door as she enters the Evil Lab.)
BILLY: Is that it?
EVIL TOM: Uh, yeah, I think so.
AMY: Prepare to do battle, Tom!
EVIL TOM: (shifting into "evil melodrama" mode) That's Evil Tom! And you shall never defeat me! Dah ha ha!
AMY: And why is that?
EVIL TOM: (still melodramatic) I haven't thought of that part yet!
ANDREA: Idiot.
BILLY: Stop being a booger!
ANDREA: You're a booger!
BILLY: You're a booger!
ANDREA: YOU'RE a booger!
EVIL TOM: Oh, stop. You're both boogers.
AMY: Less talk, more fight! Hiya!
(Amy does one of those jump-kick things right into Evil Tom's face.)
EVIL TOM: Ow! My evil nose!
ANDREA: Will you stop saying that word?!
(Billy kicks Andrea in the shin.)
ANDREA: Ow! You little brat!
(So, anyway, long story short, all four get involved in this really big fight sequence. Meanwhile, Rita has freed an arm.)
RITA: I did it!
RUTH: Great!
TRENT: Cool. Did what?
KRISTOVO: (to Rita) Now what'll you do?
RUTH: Yes, we're still lowering towards the lava.
RITA: I'm gonna do what I do best; throw a beer bottle at it!
(Once again, Rita grabs a bottle out of nowhere. Amy stops fighting just long enough to notice this. Time slips into slow motion...)
AMY: Nooooooooooooo!
(Too late! The bottle flies at the lava, exploding on impact. Slip back into regular motion as the smoke clears. The four fighters have been blown back, while the four tied-up ones have been roasted!)
AMY: Oh my God! No!
EVIL TOM: Hmm. Billy, take note of this: Kill hostages quickly instead of over the course of a few hours. It's actually a lot eviler that way.
BILLY: Is "eviler" a word?
EVIL TOM: I don't need to use proper grammar; I'm evil.
BILLY: Hey, I was just wondering... We've actually won, but should we try to escape anyway?
EVIL TOM: Um, why not. My Evil Helicopter is waiting on the roof.
BILLY: Should we press the self-destruct button before going?
EVIL TOM: Well, duh.
BILLY: You don't need to be mean.
EVIL TOM: Sorry.
(Evil Tom and Billy make their escape, laughing evilly all the way. Amy doesn't follow, too devastated to do anything.)
ANDREA: They're getting away!
AMY: Why does that matter? Everyone important to me is gone!... Except you.
ANDREA: Aww... Well, look, cheer up. You've always gotten out of worse scrapes than this.
AMY: Really?
ANDREA: Well...
(A slightly burned paper flutters to Amy's feet.)
AMY: Hello... (picks it up) I recognize this stationary. It's official FBI stuff. It must've been one of Kristovo's files. He often hides the top secret ones in his shirt where no one can get to them.
ANDREA: What is it?
(Amy reads...)
AMY: Well, I'll be...
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (in the city of Roswell)
(Amy and Andrea walk down the street.)
AMY: It's so ironic. The solution to the whole mess turns out to be the thing I scoff at in the beginning of the episode!
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (inside a really official government building)
(Amy and Andrea enter. The secretary at the desk greets them.)
SECRETARY: Yes?
AMY: Amy Barksdale, FBI. I know about... The Ship.
SECRETARY: (suddenly flustered) Wh-what are you talking about? What ship?
AMY: The ship. Can I borrow it?
SECRETARY: Borrow it?
AMY: Yeah.
SECRETARY: Let me check.
(cut to: )
SCENE 8 (the UFO)
(Exterior shot as it flies.)
(Inside, Amy pilots with Andrea at shotgun.)
ANDREA: I have to admit this is pretty cool. But how will this help?
AMY: Oh, everybody knows that if you travel really-super-fast you get to travel back in time to the exact point you want. I just don't know how to stop Rita from throwing that alcohol...
ANDREA: Maybe you don't need to. It was subtly foreshadowed earlier that liquid nitrogen freezes things. Maybe if we just freeze the lava before Rita can throw the bottle...
AMY: What a lucky coincidence! The very fuel of this ship is liquid nitrogen!
ANDREA: You don't say!
AMY: Yeah! After we get into the past, we'll just crash the ship into the lava!
ANDREA: What??
AMY: Andrea, I'm sorry, but if we travel back in time, there'll be two of each of us. The world is not enough for two Amys... Or is that Amies?
ANDREA: But... but...
AMY: Oh, you won't die, technically. We'll both still be around, it'd just be the other us.
ANDREA: I guess if we must do it, then we must do it.
AMY: Thatta girl. I know this is hard for someone your age.
ANDREA: Are you sure this'll work?
AMY: As sure as Jane Lane is a closet lesbian! Let's do it!
(cut to: )
SCENE 9 (Earth)
(In a bunch of impressive yet cheesy special effects, the UFO circles the globe faster and faster.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 10 (Evil Tom's Evil Lab, five scenes ago)
(Evil Tom and Billy enter. Rita, Ruth, Kristovo and Trent are slightly closer to their doom.)
BILLY: You don't usually watch your victims die their slow-slow-slow deaths. What's up?
EVIL TOM: My Evil Sense is tingling! Something's going to happen here; I know it.
TRENT: (suddenly waking up) Dyuh, we're not trying to escape!... Oh.
BILLY: (to Evil Tom) Um... was that it?
EVIL TOM: Nnnnno, I don't think so.
(The UFO bursts through the wall and starts spiraling towards the vat of lava.)
ANDREA: I love you, Mom!
AMY: I love you, Andrea!
(They scream until they splash into the lava, which instantly freezes.)
BILLY: Was that it?
EVIL TOM: Um, no, no. Very unusual, but no.
(Amy once again kicks down a door as she enters the Evil Lab.)
BILLY: How about that?
EVIL TOM: Uh, yeah, I think so.
AMY: Prepare to do batt-- What the heck happened here?
EVIL TOM: Y'know, I'll be honest with you, I don't have any idea.
TRENT: It was sort of trippy, actually. Sort of like that time Jesse made the band those special brownies.
ANDREA: Oh, you know Jesse?
TRENT: Uh, yeah.
ANDREA: Could you kill him for me?
TRENT: I dunno. I'd sort of feel guilty; I still owe him that shirt.
ANDREA: Shoot.
EVIL TOM: Oh, guys, guys. Just FYI, you'll never defeat me and I'm making my escape now. Come, Billy.
BILLY: Hold it, let me hit the self-destruct first. (hits a button) Okay.
EVIL TOM: You've learned well, Billy. Seeya, guys. It's been fun.
(Everyone else waves and says their good-byes as he and Billy walk out.)
AMY: Y'know, I know he's pure evil and everything, but he just seems like such a nice guy.
KRISTOVO: So, Amy, you feel like untying us or anything? I don't wanna force you or anything, but, y'know, the place is about to explode and everything...
AMY: Hmm? Oh, sure.
(cut to: )
SCENE 11 (outside Evil Tom's Evil Lair)
(Everybody escapes to watch the Evil Lair blow up. His Evil Helicopter goes through the sky.)
ANDREA: Drat, there he goes.
AMY: Yeah... Wait a minute... You said "shoot" in there and "drat" out here instead of the alternatives? Why?
ANDREA: I just got really ticked off at how Tom kept saying "evil" all the time. "Evil this" and "evil that..." Boy, that just got me sick. After hearing how often he uses that, I realized how you must feel about me using bad words over and over.
AMY: Awwww. Does that mean you won't curse anymore?
ANDREA: I swear it!
(Everyone laughs!... Until they look ahead at the town to find that the lava has since solidified into rock.)
RITA: Eww. That's right.
TRENT: Glad I don't live here.
AMY: Oh, don't worry, everyone. With everyone in town pitching in and a little elbow grease, I'd say we could repair the entire town by, oh... next week's episode.
EVERYONE ELSE: Yeah!
(Triumphant music and freeze-frame as the Executive Producer credit comes up:)
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Alan Smithee
DIRECTOR
Penny Wise
STORY EDITOR
Justin Tyme
WRITER
Shawn Perry
STARRING
Amy Barksdale
Andrea Hecuba
Rita Barksdale
Jean Stapleton
Miguel Rodriguez
ALSO STARRING
Paul Danziger
Hans Tojki as "the farmer"
Peter Assman as "Dick Cox"
Guy Manny as "Man"
AND GUEST STARRING
Trent Lane
Thomas R. Hankin as "Tom Sloan"
and Billy, age 10