[TV Guide synopsis: Ruth decides the family needs a vacation, so they all set out for a 'family day' in Chicago. Then the trouble begins....]
This Episode of Abruptly Amy was filmed before a live studio audience.
Note: this is NOT an actual audience made up of real people, but a computer program that generates the appropriate sounds when needed. The following symbols (within the story in red) indicate the sound mentioned.
ACT ONE
SCENE 1 (Barksdale household, very early morning)
(We see the stately old house that has long been the home of several generations of Barksdale. It is not a mansion, but it conveys a regal sense of dignity, and is very well kept. Suddenly we see an upper window open, and Andrea crawls out of it. (APL) She is dressed all in black. She carefully makes her way across the roof, to a convenient water downspout. She climbs down it to the ground. Looking around warily, she makes her way into some bushes. She comes out moments later with a black Yamaha Ninja 2000 motorcycle. She carefully pushes it down the road, until she is sure she is out of earshot of the Barksdale household, then she gets on the motorcycle, and tries to start it. Nothing happens.
ANDREA: What the hell?
AMY: Really Andrea, what have I told you about your language?
(The camera pans to show Amy Barksdale. (APL) She is dressed in casual clothes, and has an expression that expresses amusement and slight irritation at the same time.)
AMY: You weren't trying to sneak out on family day were you?
ANDREA: Of course not! I was.... ah... just going for an early morning ride.
AMY: Well, you wouldn't get very far without these. (She holds up the spark plugs that she has removed from Andrea's motorcycle.) Really Andrea, you know you're supposed to wear a helmet. The state has very sensibly passed laws that require cyclists to wear a helmet for their protection. You know gramma Ruth and I would just feel terrible if something happened to you.
(They are interrupted by a string of curses that emits from a nearby car. It is a beat up AMC Charger. From out of it emerges Rita Barksdale. (APL) She is not at her best in the morning, and her face and hair have not had their normal hours of care. She glares and Andrea and Amy, and approaches them.)
RITA: Andrea! I thought you just tuned this thing up! It won't even start!
(Instead of answering, Andrea glares at Amy, who shrugs and pulls some more spark plugs from her pocket. (LOL))
AMY: Now really, I'm surprised at you two. You know how important family day is to Ruth. She wants us to have a chance to spend a few days together having fun in Chicago. If she is willing to close her bakery for a few days, the least we can do is have some quality time together. Besides, it might be a lot of fun.
(Before either Andrea or Rita can respond, a light comes on.)
RUTH: What are you girls doing standing in the middle of the road?
(We see Ruth Barksdale (APL) standing on the porch of the house, glaring at her daughters and granddaughter with a look of suspicion that is tempered by her obvious great love for all three of them. Rita and Andrea look at each other, then at Amy)
ANDREA and RITA: (in unison) Amy was trying to sneak off to get out of family day!
(We see Amy's shocked reaction.)
AMY: What?! (LOL)
(Fade out. Fade-in to:)
Scene 2: (Train station, still early morning)
(We see Ruth, Andrea, Rita and Amy sitting in a train station. They are waiting for a train. They all look quite tired, except for Ruth, who is brimming with enthusiasm. Andrea is swilling coffee straight from a thermos. Ruth leaves to pick up some souvenirs, taking Amy with her.)
ANDREA: How can anyone be so cheerful at this ungodly hour?
Voice: (bubbly) Andy?
(suddenly, BRITTANY TAYLOR neé THOMPSON comes bounding into view. She pulls a surprised Andrea into a hug. Andrea pats her back, then carefully extracts herself from Brittany.)
ANDREA: Oh. Brittany. What are you doing here?
BRITTANY: Kevvy and me are moving to LA! He's going to be an assistant coach, and I'm going to start my modeling career!
RITA: (jealous voice) You're going to be a model?
BRITTANY: Yep. My mother's going to help me get started.
RITA: Say, how do you two know each other, anyhow?
BRITTANY: We were best friends all through grade school and junior high. (bt) I guess we kinda lost touch when Andrea didn't make the cheerleading squad.
RITA: (amused) You tried out for cheerleading?
ANDREA: (moves very close to RITA, growls into her ear) If you ever tell anyone, someday you'll wake up to find all your hair has been shaved off.
RITA: EAP! (LOL)
(At that moment, there is an announcement over the PA system. Brittany looks up, then rushes off.)
ANDREA: I can only imagine what kind of crazy adventures her and Kevin will get into in the city of angels.
(at that moment, Ruth and Amy return)
RUTH: You won't believe who we ran into in the gift shop. My granddaughter and her friend. (looks at Andrea) My other granddaughter, that is. We're going to share a car with them on the train.
ANDREA: Oh, how nice. I can't wait to recount all the things I've been up to since I left Lawndale with my good friends Daria and Jane.
(Fade out. Fade-in to:)
Scene 3: (On board the train, as it pulls away from the station)
(They all march to the back of the train, where RUTH opens a door. We see DARIA and JANE sitting in the car. (APL)
ANDREA: Daria! Jane! How good to see my old friends from Lawndale High once more.
DARIA: It's good to see you too, Andrea.
JANE: Yeah, hopefully you've found a better job then working at 'Paydays'.
(The three old friends enjoy a hearty chuckle over that shared memory.)
DARIA: Well, I guess I should introduce you all. This is Jane. Jane, this is my Aunts Rita and Amy, and my grandmother Ruth.
JANE: Oh, yes I remember you Amy. So delightful to see you again.
RUTH: So you girls are heading for Milwaukee? Are you going to attend college there?
DARIA: Actually, we were thinking of taking manual labor jobs and persuing writing and artwork independently.
RUTH: Oh dear. I'm not sure that is such a good idea. These days young women need a college education in order to pursue a serious career.
AMY: Now mother, sometimes girls have to chase their dreams. So has your mother made partner yet?
DARIA: Yes, and now that she has, she wants to start her own firm. In fact, she's considering moving to Milwaukee as well, and starting her own law firm there.
AMY: Oh dear, what will your father do?
DARIA: He's grown tired of the stress of running a consulting firm, and wants to get into something different.
JANE: He should start a restaurant. Have you ever tried his pizza? It's great!
AMY: That sounds like a good idea.
RITA: How is your sister Quinn doing?
DARIA: Oh, she and her Fashion Club friends are moving to New York to attend modeling school.
JANE: I can only imagine the kind of wacky misadventures those four will get into.
ANDREA: Jane, how's your brother Trent? How's his band doing?
JANE: They've actually managed to get a record deal with a small independent label. I'll bet it would be quite interesting to follow the adventures of those four as they try to make it in the fast-paced world of the recording industry.
ANDREA: Wow. I can only imagine. Say, whatever happened to Mr. DeMartino?
DARIA: Oddly enough, both he and Mr. O'Neill are moving to Detroit to be police officers.
ANDREA: Huh, that's weird. I guess Ms. Li will have a lot of spots to fill in.
JANE: Yeah, she'll have a whole new staff and new students to deal with at Lawndale High.
AMY: Wow, it seems that a lot of people from Lawndale are moving on to interesting lives.
DARIA: (muttered under her breath, almost impossible to hear) Or on to bad sitcoms. (normal volume) They sure have.
(The rest of the trip passes all too quickly for the group of friends and relatives. It is spent recounting past memories, as well as discussing dreams for the future. As the reach the city where they must change trains, ironically, the SAME city Amy fled from, they exchange hugs and vow to keep in touch. Daria and Jane have to hurry to catch the train that will take them to Milwaukee, while Amy, Rita, Ruth and Andrea have several hours before they need to catch their train to Chicago. They go into a small coffee shop to enjoy some coffee and a danish before continuing on to Chicago.)
Scene 4: (Coffee shop)
RITA: So this is where you ran off to? It doesn't look like the evil, corrupt place you described to us.
(We see the view through the front window of the coffee shop. There is a park across the street, where happy children play, apparently without a concern in the world. The park is quite clean, as are the streets and the building. People walking by all seem happy and friendly, tipping their hats and saying 'hi' to each other as they pass. Suddenly, an older police officer, walking his beat, sees Amy through the window and walks in. He joins them at their booth.)
OFFICER: Amy! Why I haven't seen you in ages! What have you been up to?
AMY: Oh a little bit of this, a little bit of that.(LOL)
OFFICER: I see you still have your delightful sense of humour.
AMY: I try. The city seems so different then it used to be. What happened?
OFFICER: Well, after you left, things just seemed to calm down. Crime is almost nonexistent these days.
AMY: That seems impossible. You mean to tell me there's no crime at all?
OFFICER: Well, a young fellah did try to rob the bank a few months ago.
AMY: I knew it!
OFFICER: But after he explained to the bank president that he needed the money so his mother could get an operation, the bank loaned him the money instead.
AMY: But what about the corrupt mayor?
OFFICER: Lost the last election.
AMY: The crime syndicate? The gangs?
OFFICER: Left town. I guess those citizen watch groups you helped set up scared them away.
AMY: Oh, it was just a suggestion I made. It's the individual citizens that do their part that really deserve the credit. I'm just glad to know I made a difference here.
OFFICER: Made a difference? Why, I believe that if you ever ran for mayor here, you'd win unanimously.
AMY: Well that is sweet of you to say, but I was just doing my job... OH NO!
(she is looking out the window. We see a blue SUV, which is weaving down the road, obviously operated by a drunk driver. We can also see a small child playing jacks on the sidewalk. As they watch, frozen in terror, the SUV weaves straight at the child. They all rush outside. The child is laying by the side of the road, and the SUV continues down the road. They reach the child, and RUTH kneels down in front of her. The Police officer is on his phone, calling for an ambulance. AMY looks torn. She wants to help the child, but she also wants to go after the scum in the SUV.)
RUTH: Amy! Don't worry, I had some nursing training during the war. I can take care of this poor, innocent child. You go after the scum who is responsible for this!
(Amy needs no more encouragement. She glances after the fleeing SUV. Realizing she can't catch it by running after it, she tries to recall where that road goes. Then she remembers it loops around before heading back onto the interstate. She dashes across the park. ANDREA follows close behind. She races across the park. When she reaches a slide, she runs up it, leaping from the top. She lands on a trampoline, which hurls her over the fence. She lands running. Amazingly, Andrea manages to keep a close pace behind her. As she dashes by a sidewalk stand in front of a hardware store, she grabs a box off of the table.)
AMY: Andrea would you mind paying for this, please?
ANDREA: (to cashier) Here ya go.
(Andrea dashes off in pursuit of AMY. We see Amy scattering tacks across the road. The SUV comes into sight, and runs across the tacks. It immediately spins out of control. ANDREA comes into sight at this point, right where the out of control SUV is headed! AMY sees this and, ignoring the extreme danger she is putting herself in, leaps at ANDREA, tackling her. The both roll out of the way as the SUV flips over. Four men rush out of it, right before it explodes in a giant fireball. The men see ANDREA and AMY getting to their feet, and head toward them, looking angry)
ANDREA: Four against two? Not very fair odds.
AMY: (With a confident smirk) Yes, but I don't think they have any friends to call to help them.(LOL)
(The two race at the four drunken men, leveling them with a fury of fists and kicks that make short work of them. Soon Amy and Andrea are standing over the battered and unconscious men.)
ANDREA: Thank you for saving my life there, mom.
AMY: That's what moms are for, honey.(AWW)
ANDREA: I'm glad I didn't go back to live with my natural mother.
AMY: I'm glad too.(apl)
(A police car and a fire truck pull up. The firemen quickly put out the SUV as the police officers put the drunks into their car, after reading them their rights.)
(Fade out. Fade-in to:)
Scene 5: (An impromptu ceremony)
(A crowd has gathered around a podium. The city's mayor is making a speech. Sitting behind him in chairs are RITA, RUTH, ANDREA and AMY. The mayor finishes his speech, and beckons AMY over. He hands her a giant key, obviously the key to the city.)
AMY: I'd hate to see the door this thing opens! (LOL) I accept this honor, not only for myself, but for my entire family that is here. My mother and sister, who saved the life of the little girl who was struck by the drunk driver, and my daughter Andrea, who helped me apprehend those criminals. It's so rewarding... (Amy stops abruptly. She is looking at a large ornate clock across from her.) Oh my God! We're going to miss our train! (LOL)
(AMY and family start to run down the street. Hard Days Night by The Beatles begins to play. The crowd runs behind them, chanting.)
CROWD: A-mee, A-mee, A-mee, A-mee, A-mee, A-mee...
(They arrive at the station just in time. They hurry on to a train, which pulls away just as the crowd arrives.)
(Fade out. Fade-in to:)
Scene 6: (Another Train Car)
(We see that Andrea and Ruth are napping. Rita appears to be sobbing. Amy, seeing her sister's distress, goes over to comfort her.)
AMY: What's wrong Rita?
RITA: Oh, Amy, don't you see? It could have been me driving that SUV.
AMY: Oh Rita. You've really managed to bring your drinking problem under control these last few months. Besides, you couldn't have been driving that SUV. It was a stick shift. (LOL)
RITA: Oh, Amy. Your delightful sense of humor always manages to make me feel better. (AWW)
AMY: Well, we'd better go touch up our makeup before we arrive in Chicago.
(Fade out. Fade-in to:)
Scene 8: (Dinning Car)
(We see Amy sitting by herself in the dinning car. She is reading a newspaper, when a handsome man suddenly joins her.)
MAN: Special agent Barksdale? Thank GOD you're here. I have to get this to...
(he thrusts a package into AMY's hands with his last bit of strength. Amy sees a poison dart sticking out of his neck. She quickly grabs the package he gave her and shoves it into her purse. She looks up to see a dozen men clad in black uniforms... NINJA!)
AMY: So. The Secret Society has caught up with me at last. But where is Corona? Doesn't she have the guts to face me herself?
NINJA 1::Corona? Like the Mexican beer?
NINJA 2::What the hell are you talking about? We just want that package!
AMY: Oh. (bt) Well you can't have it!
(Amy flips a table over to shield her, and just in time. It is immediatly ridded with dozens of ninja throwing stars. Amy dashes backwards to the back door, and quickly slips through the back door. Not wanting to endanger the other passengers, she climbs a ladder and gets atop the train. She begins to run across the top of the train, with the ninja in hot pursuit.)
(Fade out. Fade-in to:)
Scene 9: (The Barksdale's car)
Meanwhile, RUTH, ANDREA and RITA are sitting in their car, drinking tea and eating biscuits. Their backs are to the window)
RUTH: It's so nice to be able to sit and talk like this. Andrea, how is your schooling coming along?
ANDREA: It's going well. I'm scoring mostly A's and some B's.
RUTH: That's great Andrea. Remember that academic performance will serve you well in the future. Have you given any thought to what you'd like to do after high school?
ANDREA: I'm thinking of becoming a veterinarian. Or maybe a professional bowler. (LOL)
RITA: Oh, no! It seems that Amy's delightful sense of humor is rubbing off on her adopted daughter. (LOL)
RUTH: Where is Amy anyhow? She's missing out on some quality family time.
(Swish-pan to:)
Scene 10: (Traintop)
(Amy continues to run across the top of the train. Suddenly one of the ninja throws a rope around her leg, she is jerked to a stop and falls of the edge of the car...)
(Swish-pan to:)
Scene 11: (back in the car)
(We once again see the Barksdales in their car. They don't notice Amy, dangling by the rope through the window behind them)
RITA: I'm sure she's hanging around here somewhere. (LOL)
RUTH: Well I just hope this vacation together is fun for her. I'm so worried that she hasn't been getting as much excitement as she's used to.
(In the background, we see a ninja crawling down the side of the car. He attempts to grab the package from Amy, but she uses her free leg to kick him in the family jewels. He falls off the train.)
RITA: I just hope we run into some cute guys in Chicago. I could use a little excitement myself. (WHOO)
RUTH: RITA!
(Amy suddenly disappears from the window, pulled back onto the traintop.)
(Swish-pan to:)
Scene 12: (back on top of the train)
(Amy lying on her back on the traintop, surrounded by the eleven remaining ninja.)
NINJA: Hand over the package, and your death will be swift and painless.
AMY: (pointing toward the front of the train) Look out! Tunnel!
(The ninja immediately drop onto the top of the train. Like an Olympic athlete, Amy leaps to her feet and rushes toward the rear of the train, giggling girlishly that the ninja fell for her clever ruse. She rushes onto the caboose, and tries to pull the pin that holds the caboose to the rest of the train. Several ninja jump across and grab Amy before she can get it all the way out.)
NINJA: Foolish female! Even if you had managed to pull the pin, the caboose's forward momentum would have allowed us plenty of time to get to you. Now give us the package!
AMY: Yes, how foolish to think I could outsmart you clever ninja.
(Suddenly Amy LEAPS at the caboose's breaking cord. She pulls it so hard the cord snaps off in her hands, and the caboose's breaks lock up. The ninjas are thrown this way and that. Amy leaps across to the other car. She flips the break cord so that it wraps around the pin holding the caboose to the rest of the train. With a subtle flick of her wrist, she pulls the pin out, leaving the caboose load full of ninja standing still, as the train continues on its way. Amy gives them a cheery wave, then proceeds to climb back up to the top of the train. Her good spirits disappear suddenly though, as three ninja are waiting for her, with crossbows pointed at her.)
NINJA: You have done well, but now you have lost. Hand over the package.
AMY: (Throwing herself down onto the top of the train) Look out! Tunnel!
NINJA: Foolish female. Do you really think we'd fall for that ag-
(He is cut off as the tunnel smashes into him and his comrades. Amy stays down until the train passes out of the tunnel. She then makes her way back to the dinning car. Two serious looking men approach her. They both show her official looking identifications. Amy examines them carefully.)
AMY: Agents Mulder and Skully? Say isn't that...
AGENT MULDER: Please. We get enough jokes about that as it is. Do you have the package?
AMY: Yes it's right here. (she hands it to them) Say, what's so important in that package anyhow?
AGENT MULDER: Uh... actually... (he looks embarrassed) it's agent Skully's lunch.
AMY: Your lunch?
AGENT SKULLY: Well, yes. The other agent was bringing me some lunch, and the ninja mistakenly believed it to be something of importance.
AMY: I risked my life for your lunch?
AGENT SKULLY: And your country thanks you for it.
(The two agents leave. Amy shakes her head and returns to the car where her family are still enjoying tea.)
RUTH: Amy! Where have you been? You've missed on some quality time!
AMY: Oh, I was just getting some lunch, and stuff. You know, same old thing. (LOL)
(Fade out. Fade-in to:)
Scene 13: (Chicago)
(We see AMY, RUTH, RITA, and Andrea standing on a street in Chicago. They have obviously already stowed all of their suitcases in a hotel, and are ready to see the sights.)
RITA: Wow, this really is a big city. Let's go over there. (She starts to cross the street)
AMY: Now Rita, this isn't Rutherford, you know. You should cross at the corners, being careful to wait for the light to change and the 'Walk' sign to light.
RITA: (crossly) Oh, don't be ridiculous. I've been crossing roads by myself since I was ten!
(Rita stomps across the road. Suddenly a fast-moving bus zooms by, blocking our view of Rita. At almost the same time, we hear a car honk and screech its tires. AMY, RUTH and ANDREA look at each other in horror.)
END OF ACT ONE
--COMMERCIALS--
ACT TWO
SCENE 1 (Near Tragedy)
(we see the huge bus streak by. As soon as it is past, AMY, ANDREA and RUTH rush across the street. They see a large 'Family Truckster' station wagon stopped, and a tall man, his blond wife and their two children rushing over to where they are headed. They find RITA engaged in a passionate kiss with a total stranger!) (WHOO)
RUTH: Rita! What are you doing?
ANDREA: Gee grandma, I know it's been a while for you, but can't you tell? (LOL)
RUTH: I know what she's doing! But why?
RITA: I was half way across, when I noticed that station wagon. I thought for sure it would hit me, but at the last possible second, this nice man yanked me out of danger. So naturally I had to thank him!
(Just at that moment, the car driver and his family arrive)
MAN: That was amazing! It's almost as if he knew she was going to freeze up. I'm Clark W Grizwald, this is my wife Ellen, and our children Rusty and Audrey. We were just on our way to the airport for our Hawaiian Vacation when she just walked out right in front of us.
AMY: Well, we're glad you didn't hit my sister. You might as well be on your way then, you don't want to miss your plane. (Amy walks them back to their car.) This is some big car. Family Truckster?
CLARK: (As he slams the door shut, the air bag goes off. He quickly pushes it back in) Yep. Family Truckster. If you're driving the whole clan across country... (the whole family chimes in for the last part) THIS IS YOUR AUTOMOBILE! Well, goodbye! (He drives off)
AMY: What a nice family. (She walks back to where her family is gathered around the man who saved Rita's life.) Thank you so much for saving my sister's life. Life would be so... quiet without her.
RITA: HEY! (LOL)
RUTH: GIRLS! Honestly! Could we buy you a late breakfast or something?
MAN: Uh. No need to thank me, I've been thanked enough already! I've got to be going. (he rushes off)
RUTH: Oh dear. We never even learned his name.
RITA: Or where he lives.
ANDREA: His name is Gary Hobson. He owns a bar called 'McGintys'.
AMY: How do you know that? (Andrea holds up a man's wallet) Andrea! What have I told you about picking people's pockets?
ANDREA: Uh... don't do it? (LOL)
AMY: (She sighs dramatically) Well, I suppose we'll have to stop by his bar and return his wallet.
RUTH: Then we can thank him properly as well. But we've got a lot of sights to take in first.
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
Scene 2: (Observation deck, Sears Tower)
(We are treated to a fabulous view of the city of Chicago. Then We see the Barksdales, standing at a window.)
RITA: It looks so beautiful from up here. It doesn't seem real.
AMY: It certainly is a breath-taking view.
RUTH: I couldn't agree more.
ANDREA: Ah, big deal. I'm going to check out that arcade, Ok mom?
AMY: Hmm... I don't know Andrea. Don't those video games glamorize violence and sex?
ANDREA: Mom, I live with you and aunt Rita. (LOL)
AMY: Good point. Meet us at the restaurant in a half hour.
ANDREA: Ok. Thanks! (Andrea scurries off)
RITA: Well, what are we going to do for that half an hour?
AMY: Something Andrea never would have sat still for... a makeover!
RITA: All right!
(A montage sequence where we see the three Barksdales being fussed over by hair stylists, getting their nails done, getting massages, etc. Oddly, though, when they emerge, they still look the same.)
RUTH: Well, that was fun girls. Now let's go find Andrea and have some lunch.
RITA & AMY: OK!
(They meet up with Andrea, who looks as though she has enjoyed her private time, and have a nice lunch. What follows is another montage, which includes them visiting all kinds of sights, including museums, art galleries, historic landmarks and many other things. Soon they decide to go to that bar.)
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
Scene 3: (McGinty's Bar)
(The Barksdale clan enter McGinty's. They are quickly ushered to a booth. As they are headed for it, AMY places a reassuring hand on RITA's shoulder.)
AMY: Don't worry Rita. You're a much stronger person now. You'll be fine.
RITA: (Smiles at AMY, seems overcome by her sister's concern and support in regard to her drinking problem) Thanks.(AWW)
(They enjoy a meal, then they see GARY come in. He looks worn out, as if he has spent the day racing around the city, saving lives. Which, of course, he has. He sits at a table next to a black woman. AMY looks at ANDREA, who sighs. Then they both get up and walk over to the table. GARY sees them shortly before they arrive.)
GARY: Oh no! Not them again.
AMY: Now Mr. Hobson, we just wanted to thank you for saving my sister's life. Also Andrea has something she'd like to say. Andrea.
ANDREA: (Sighs again, places his wallet on the table in front of him.) I'm sorry I took your wallet. I now know that stealing is wrong. (bt) Oh, and thanks for saving my Aunt Rita's life, too.
GARY: You stole my... Marissa, did you hear that? She stole my wallet.
MARISSA: Now Gary, I'm sure she didn't mean any harm by it.
AMY: She's had a hard life. I try to guide her, but it's not always easy for a single mother.
ANDREA: I think you do a great job, mom. (Andrea impulsively gives Amy a hug)(AWW)
AMY: Now Andrea, if I check, my wallet will still be there, right?(LOL)
GARY: (glares at MARISSA, who is also laughing) You find that funny?
MARISSA: Well, yes, yes I do. She has a delightful sense of humor.
(At that moment, RITA and RUTH also join them.)
RUTH: We did so want to thank you again for saving my daughter's life. I just don't know what I'd do without my baby girl.
RITA: MOM! But I'd like to thank you to. In fact, maybe later, I could thank you more... thoroughly.(WHOO)
AMY: Down girl. (LOL)
(At that moment, the bartender makes an announcement)
Bartender: OK, everyone! It's Karaoke time!
AMY: Karaoke? Oh, that sounds like fun! C'mon family. Let's give it a shot!
RUTH: I don't know about this.
RITA: Oh, come on mother. It's be great.
RUTH: Very well, as long as you don't expect me to do anything undignified.
GARY: (as the Barksdales leave) I never thought I'd be grateful for karaoke. Wait a minute. Karaoke?
MARISSA: Now Gary, I was going to tell you...
(Marissa is spared further explanations by the lights dimming. The Barksdales appear, dressed as the Spice Girls. Then the music begins...)
AMY: Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
RUTH: So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
AMY: I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
RUTH: So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
AMY: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha. If you want my future forget my past, If you wanna get with me better make it fast, Now don't go wasting my precious time, Get your act together we could be just fine
AMY: I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
RUTH: So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
AMY: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.
RITA: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, Make it last forever friendship never ends, If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.
ANDREA: What do you think about that now you know how I feel, Say you can handle my love are you for real, I won't be hasty, I'll give you a try If you really bug me then I'll say goodbye.
AMY: Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
RUTH: So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
AMY: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.
AMY: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, Make it last forever friendship never ends, If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.
RITA: So here's a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me you gotta listen carefully, We got Em in the place who likes it in your face, we got G like MC who likes it on an Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady, and as for me you'll see, Slam your body down and wind it all around Slam your body down and wind it all around.
RUTH: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, Make it last forever friendship never ends, If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.
ANDREA: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, slam, slam, slam, slam Slam your body down and wind it all around.
ALL: Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down zigazig ah.
RITA: If you wanna be my lover.
(Meanwhile, back at Gary's table)
GARY: You should be really glad you can't see this.
MARISSA: I can hear it. That's bad enough.
GARY: Good Point. (Gestures to the bartender) Remind me to fire him.
MARISSA: Done.
(The Barksdales leave the stage)
RUTH: Well, girls that was fun, but we need to get back to the hotel. Tomorrow we get to see the submarine your father served on during the big war.
RITA/ANDREA/AMY: Wow.
AMY: So that's why you wanted us to come to Chicago! Why didn't you tell us?
RUTH: I wanted it to be a surprise. Now come on girls!
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 4 (Chicago Science Center)
(Early the next day, The Barksdales make their way to the Chicago Science Center. After purchasing tickets, they go around back, near the river. There, connected to the shore by a gangplank, is the USS Striker, a vintage WW 2 submarine. A nervous looking man stands at the entrance. He looks even more nervous as the Barksdales approach.)
MAN: Sorry folks. The submarine tour is closed today.
RUTH: That's ridiculous! We just bought tickets for it.
MAN: Oh, uh... well the tour guide got called home suddenly, so we have no guide. I can refund your money.
RUTH: Oh, is that all. Why I don't need a tour guide. I've heard so much about this sub, I practically know it by heart. (With that, RUTH crosses the gangplank. Her daughters and granddaughter follow her down into the sub, as the man continues to yell to no effect.)
MAN: No! Stop, please!
VOICE: (sinister accent) Problems, Roderick?
RODERICK: No sir. Just some tourists. We can get rid of them in a few minutes.
(We see the source of the voice, a tall man dressed entirely in black. Next to him is a tall dark woman, also dressed in black. Behind them are six armed men. The man looks at the woman)
MAN: What should we do with him Natasha? He only had one job.
NATASHA: That's true, Boris. You told him to keep the tourists out of the sub. And he failed.
BORIS: Do you know what the punishment for failure within our organization is Roderick?
RODERICK: Uh... a harsh reprimand, and a notation on my permanent record?
BORIS: Not quite. Natasha?
(Natasha pulls out a large handgun and fires six shots into Roderick. His lifeless body falls back into the river.)
NATASHA: Vhat will we do with the tourists, Boris?
BORIS: You know what I always say. A few hostages never hurt anything. Forward men!
(The eight international terrorists rush across the gangplank into the sub. After a few moments, the sub moves away from the shore, and disappears beneath the waves.)
END OF ACT TWO
--COMMERCIALS--
ACT THREE
SCENE 1 (Captured!)
(We see the Barksdales, surrounded by armed men. Suddenly BORIS and NATASHA enter. The guards immediatly straighten.)
BORIS: You have picked a wery bad day to tour this sub. Wery bad indeed. I am Boris, and this is my second in command, Natasha.
(He is interrupted by ANDREA, who lets out a surprised snort at the mention of their names.)
BORIS: You find me amusing, young lady?
(Boris pulls out a large handgun and points it at ANDREA. AMY immediatly places herself between her beloved adapted daughter and the gun.)
AMY: Please, sir. She's just a scared girl. (whispers to ANDREA) What's the matter with you? Do you want to get killed?
ANDREA: (whispers back) But mom, don't you remember that cartoon? They even have the same accents.
BORIS: As I was saying (glares at ANDREA) we have been preparing this sub for months now. Returning it to seaworthiness. And most importantly, arming it. It is now a force to be reckoned with.
ANDREA: (whispers to AMY) With it, we will finally get moose and squirrel.
AMY: (almost laughs, whispers back) Andrea! Don't make me laugh.
BORIS: In any case, as they are aware that we have hostages, they will be less likely to use lethal force on us. Once we've destroyed our target, we'll release you.
AMY: Just what is your target?
BORIS: There is a secret naval base somewhere ahead of us. It is where they keep their most experimental weapons and ships. When we destroy it, we will greatly weaken the national defence.
NATASHA: Then ve will crush the government and establish our own.
ANDREA: (whispers to Amy) Dahling.
(Amy suddenly bursts into laughter. Natasha looks angrily at her, but Ruth quickly speaks up.)
RUTH: You'll have to forgive my daughters. They're a little flighty.
RITA: Well, I'm not scared. (She looks right at Boris, and licks her lips sensually)(WHOO)
BORIS: Enough of this. Lock those two (he points at Andrea and Amy) into the storage room. Take the old one...
RUTH: My name is Ruth.
BORIS: Fine. Take Ruth to the kitchen. Guard her well.
RITA: What about me?
BORIS: Put her into my cabin. (WHOO)
(Rita is led away, with a smug look on her face.)
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 2 (storage room)
AMY: We've got to get out of here and warn someone. Although these people may just be loonies. I mean, who ever heard of a naval base in the middle of a river in Illinois.
ANDREA: It's funny. There's this sleazy red-head kid from Lawndale. He's in the navy, right? The last time I saw him, he was bragging about being assigned to some secret base in Illinois. It couldn't be though, could it?
AMY: It must be. Say, what was that kid's name, anyway?
ANDREA: It was...
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 3 (Secret Military base)
VOICE: (Loud, commanding drill sergeant voice) CHARLES RUTTHEIMER THE THIRD!!! Get to the Commander's office now!
CHARLES: SIR! Yes SIR!
(We see Charles racing through the halls of a military base. He arrives at the commander's door, and is quickly ushered in. The Commander is an old man, who's weatherbeaten face shows his many years of experience. Charles stands rigidly at attention. The Commander surveys him critically for a moment, then speaks.)
COMMANDER: At ease Private. (Charles relaxes... slightly.) Private, your record shows you to be a highly skilled sonar man. In fact, your record of sub kills is next to none. That's why you were chosen for this program. However....(bt) well, are you familiar with the phrase "loose lips sink ships'?
CHARLES: Of course sir.
COMMANDER: Then you would never give away any information, oh like, let's say the existence of this base, or it's location, to an enemy agent?
CHARLES: Of course not, sir!
COMMANDER: Not even if that agent was an attractive woman? One who was, perhaps interested in you?
CHARLES: Certainly not, sir!
COMMANDER: (into the intercom) Lt. Kelly? Would you come in here, please?
(Lt. Kelly enters. She is an attractive blond. She glares at Charles with total disdain. Charles now looks very uncomfortable.)
COMMANDER: Charles, I believe you've met Lt. Kelly? (Charles can only nod dumbly) Lt. Kelly, make your report.
LT. KELLY: He told me the exact location of this base. He also said he was going to be Commander someday. Then he pinched my butt. I've got it all on tape.
COMMANDER: Charles, it pains me to do this to such an otherwise promising young cadet, but you've left me no alternative. You are under arrest for treason. Lt. Kelly, will you escort him to the brig?
LT. KELLY: With pleasure, sir.
(She grabs Charles and shoves him roughly out the door. The commander sighs, and shakes his head)
COMMANDER: What a waste.
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 3 (storage room)
(We see ANDREA picking the lock on the door.)
AMY: I don't really approve of you being able to pick locks, but I must admit it does come in handy at times. (LOL)
ANDREA: Thanks. I got it. (They quietly sneak out into the hall) Where to now?
AMY: There should be an emergency radio room somewhere down here... there! (Andrea and Amy slip into a room. It is filled with complex looking equipment) Don't worry. I took a class at the FBI academy.
(Working quickly, Amy prepares a detailed account of what has happened, as well as information about the subs refit and capabilities that she has learned from the computer. As she finishes, she begins to look around)
AMY: (more to herself then to Andrea) There should be a red button that transmits the information.
ANDREA: Mom.
AMY: Not now dear. I've got to find the send button.
ANDREA: But mom.
AMY: In a minute, Andrea! Oh wait. There it is!
(Amy presses the large red button. Immediately, loud alarms go off all over the sub)
ANDREA: Maybe you should try that one. (Andrea points to a red button that has the word 'SEND' clearly printed on it) (LOL)
AMY: Oh crap! (She presses the button. As soon as she does, the door opens and four armed men rush in, grab them, and herd them back to the conference room. Natasha appears before them. She is now wearing a leather outfit.)
NATASHA: So. You've managed to inform them that we are coming to kill them. This is very bad. We can not stop our mission. You may have doomed us all to death, including your family.
AMY: My family will gladly die for their country.
ANDREA: Speak for yourself. (beat, everyone stares at her) WHAT? It was a joke! (bt) You know, Sarcasm? It's a great way to deal? (LOL)
NATASHA: (to the guard) Put her in the brig, and guard her this time. You know the penalty for failure! (Andrea is led away) As for you, my dear. (She approaches AMY and runs her hand across AMY's face) What should I do with you, my dear?
AMY: (Defiantly) Isn't that for your boss, Boris, to decide?
NATASHA: Boris is, shall we say, occupied at the moment. With your sister.
AMY: What is that monster doing with my sister?
NATASHA: Well, although you may hear her moans through the door, he's not torturing her. (WHOO)
AMY: That pig! But what about me?
NATASHA: I have my own plans for you, my dear. (she licks her lips sensually as she says this, then speaks to the guard) Take her to my room. I'll be in for you in a few minutes, my dear.
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 4 (Commander's Office)
(The Commander is behind his desk. In front of him are Michael "Mack" MacKenzie and Jodie Landon. They are both in navel uniforms.)
COMMANDER: This is very serious. That submarine that was stolen earlier today is believed to be headed for this base.
MACK: But how could they know about...
MACK & JODIE: Charles!
COMMANDER: Yes. His treason may have doomed this base. There is only one thing that can stop them. The experimental mini-attack sub Nimrod. I know you two are just students, but we need you to do this mission.
MACK: Sir, That's a three person ship. We'll need a top-notch sonar officer.
COMMANDER: You're not suggesting I let that treacherous dog out of my brig, are you?
JODIE: Sir, despite his moral lapses, Charles IS the best.
MACK: Sir, I talked to him, and I think he's learned his lesson. I'm willing to vouch for him.
COMMANDER: You're sticking your neck out pretty far for this young man. I just hope you don't get it chopped off.
(Just at that moment, a petty officer rushes in)
PETTY OFFICER: Sir! We've just received a communiqué from the USS Striker.
COMMANDER: The Striker? That's the stolen sub?
PETTY OFFICER: Yes sir. One of the hostages managed to transmit useful details about the sub, as well as the name of the terrorists responsible. (Dramatic pause) It's Boris and Natasha!
COMMANDER: Damn! Two of F.I.S.T's best agents.
JODIE: F.I.S.T?
COMMANDER: Fascist International Society of Terrorists. It's one of the most powerful and dangerous terrorists organizations in the world! It must have been some brave person to send this information.
PETTY OFFICER: She identified herself as Amy Barksdale. She's FBI.
COMMANDER: Barksdale? DAMN! Why did it have to be them?
MACK: You know her?
COMMANDER: No. I served aboard the Striker with her father, Melvin. He was a good man. And now I have to order the destruction of the sub that has his wife and children on it. Damn, war is hell. (He pulls a flask from his desk, and takes a hard drag) But we've no choice. Commander Landon.
JODIE: Yes sir?
COMMANDER: Prepare the Nimrod for immediate departure. Lt MacKenzie.
MACK: Yes sir?
COMMANDER: Get Private Ruttheimer out of the brig. Make sure he understands that his performance on this mission will effect whether he is court marshaled or not. And tell him if he ever lets slip any information again, I'll have his hide on my wall!
MACK: Yes sir!
(Jodie and Mack leave)
COMMANDER: Damn it to hell! (he reaches into a chair, and pulls out a picture of Ruth Barksdale) Oh Ruth. I hope that you somehow manage to come out of this alive. Maybe I'll finally have the courage to tell you... (bt) that I love you.
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 5 (Launch room of the Nimrod)
(We see the Nimrod which is a very small submarine. It is obviously a high tech marvel. Mack and Charles stand at rigid attention as Jodie reviews them)
JODIE: Men, I don't need to stress the importance of this mission. If we fail, this base will be destroyed, and the future of the United States government will be at risk. But if we succeed, we'll be heroes. Charles, both Mack and I put our necks on the line for you, you'd better not fail us.
CHARLES: I will not fail you, Jodie.
JODIE: To your stations!
(We now see an interior view of the Nimrod. It is quite cramped. Mack is at the weapons station. His face is obscured by a virtual reality helmet, which allows him full control of all weapons. Jodie is in a chair in the center. In front of her is a complicated looking control device for steering the ship. Charles sits at a complicated looking computer station. He also has on a virtual reality helmet.)
MACK: Station ready, captain.
CHARLES: Ready and rarin' captain.
JODIE: Very well. This ship was named after the biblical character Nimrod, who was a mighty hunter. Now we must prove how appropriate that name is. Mack, (her voice takes on a lighter tone) open hailing frequencies.
MACK: (rolls his eyes, but plays along) Hailing frequencies open, captain.
JODIE: Command, the Nimrod is ready for departure.
VOICE: Go then. Good Hunting.
JODIE: Acknowledged!
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 6 (Natasha's cabin)
(Amy is sitting on a bed in a small cabin. NATASHA enters. She indicates to the guard that he may leave. As soon as the guard is gone, she approaches Amy. Amy rises to her feet.)
AMY: What do you want with me?
NATASHA: I only want one thing from you.
(NATASHA grabs Amy in a rough embrace, then begins to kiss her on the lips. Suddenly, they are both knocked off their feet onto the bed by the sub rocking.)
NATASHA: Oh Amy. You move so quickly, dahling. Did the earth move for you as well?
AMY: That was the sub getting hit by something, you idiot!
(Natasha grabs AMY roughly and pulls her out of the cabin, into the hallway. Across from them, Boris comes out of his cabin, dragging Rita. Both of them look disheveled.)
BORIS: Vhat is going on?
NATASHA: Well, obviously we are under attack.
AMY: (to BORIS) Your fly is down. (after he looks) Made ya look. (LOL)
BORIS: (to a guard) Take these two to the brig.
(Boris and Natasha rush to the control room)
SCENE 7 (control room)
BORIS: Vhat is happening?
CONTROL OFFICER: Sir, a small torpedo just missed us. There is a hunter sub out there, but we can't detect it. It must be one of their experimental ships.
NATASHA: Are we in range of their base yet?
CONTROL OFFICER: Extreme range.
BORIS: Fire two torpedoes. They'll have to track them, and we'll have time to take a better shot.
CONTROL OFFICER: Yes, commander! (He presses a button, and we see two torpedoes emerge from the Striker).
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 8 (Aboard the Nimrod)
MACK: Glancing blow captain. No damage.
JODIE: DAMN! Charles.
CHARLES: I'll have a solution in two... GREAT days in the morning! We've got fish in the water. One, no two torpedoes in the water.
JODIE: DAMN. Track them. Opinion Mack.
MACK: They're trying to divert us so they can get a better shot.
JODIE: We have no choice. We've got to take those torpedoes out.
CHARLES: We can hit them with an electromag missile.
MACK: You can track three targets at once?
CHARLES: No problem, for me. Come around to 854. Mack, I'm sending you the targeting info for the sub. Take the shot, man.
MACK: Missile away!
JODIE: Coming around. Switching to full engines. If that missile missed, or didn't work, we're a nice, fat target right now.
CHARLES: Too late to worry about that. Mack, I'm feeding the targeting info for those over to you now.
JODIE: Fire at will, Mack.
CHARLES: You're in the zone big man! Take the shot!
(For a moment, we see Mack's view. It is a virtu-view of the ocean ahead of the ship. We see the two torpedoes in the water, with white highlights over them. Small red crosshairs are carefully guided until they are over the torpedoes. Then we see Mack pull the trigger in front of him. Immediatly, twin laser beams flash through the water from the Nimrod and strike the torpedoes. The torpedoes explode spectacularly.)
CHARLES: Great shot kid, that was one in a million!
MACK: Don't you mean two in a million?
JODIE: Guys, please. Since we haven't been blown out of the water, it would seem the EMC missile worked. Still, we'll have to go back carefully. I'm bringing us around. Mack, rig for silent running.
MACK: Rigging for silent run, Captain!
JODIE: Charles, get to work on a solution for that sub. They've still got six torpedoes by my count, and we have to make sure they don't get a chance to use them.
CHARLES: Order is acknowledged, Captain!
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 9 (Brig of the Striker)
(ANDREA, RITA, and AMY are behind bars in a small cell. A guard with an automatic rifle stands at the front of the room alertly.)
AMY: Really Rita, how could you just go to sleep with a man you just met? What kind of example are you setting for Andrea here?
RITA: Hey, she's your kid, not mine. Besides, you're just jealous.
AMY: Rita, Rita, Rita. When will you learn? I hope you at least used protection.
RITA: I'm on the pill.
AMY: RITA! The pill can't protect you from sexually transmitted diseases! First thing when we get home, you're getting an appointment with your gynecologist!
RITA: Oh can it! You're not the boss of me. Besides, what were you doing in Natasha's bedroom?
AMY: (blushing, not making eye contact) She just wanted to talk to me.
RITA: Well then how do you explain her lipstick being smeared all over your lips?
AMY: (Quickly pulls out a tissue and wipes it across her lips, revealing the evidence, begins to stammer) oh, ah well um you see...
(Luckily for AMY, at that moment, the EMC missile hits, and the lights go out.)
ANDREA: Did you guys just hear a 'CLANG' sound?
(The emergency lights come on)
RITA: Oh my GOD, we're gonna DIE, I just know it!
(RITA begins to weep. AMY takes her into her arms and rocks her, whispering comforting words to her.)(AWW)
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 10 (Control room of the Striker)
(The control room is organised chaos.)
BORIS: Vhat happened?
NATASHA: They used some kind of EMC missile on us. Our computers were shielded, but we've lost all power, and the drive is down.
BORIS: What about the torpedo tubes? Can we complete our mission?
NATASHA: (examines a computer read-out) The hardware appears to be all right, but the software was wiped. I can program the computer to reinstall the software, then fire the torpedoes at the base.
BORIS: Do it. We'll abandon ship in wet suits through the emergency escape.
NATASHA: I've set the program running. It will fire in twenty minutes from.... NOW!
BORIS: Let's get out of here. (He puts on his wet suit. The others do likewise)
NATASHA: What about the hostages?
BORIS: We'll leave them.
(He opens a hatch and they all enter a small room. He closes the door, and water is pumped in. Then another door slides open. The terrorists swim away from the sub.)
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 11 (Brig of the Striker)
(Same as before. Suddenly, the door to the brig begins to open, and RUTH enters, carrying a tray with baked goods on it.)
RUTH: I thought you might be hungry. I made some sweet buns.
(Amy glances as Ruth, and notices a frying pan hanging from an apron behind her back. Amy turns to Rita.)
AMY: Distract the guard.
RITA: OK. (She unbuttons her pants, then yells to the guard) Hey, if you want to see some sweet buns, take a look at these.
(Our view of Rita is obscured by the guard, who is gawking at her. RUTH gets the frying pan and whacks him over the head with it. It makes a loud 'CLANG' sound)
ANDREA: I knew I heard a clang! Way to go grandma!
AMY: Really, Rita, do you think that was appropriate?
RITA: It worked didn't it?
RUTH: Never mind that girls, we've got to hurry!
(Ruth gets the keys and opens the cell door. They rush to the control room, only to find it abandoned. AMY rushes to the emergency escape)
AMY: Oh no! We can't get out this way, it's already flooded.
RITA: Boris's cabin has an escape pod. He told me all about it.
AMY: RITA! Your loose morals may have saved us!
RITA: Thanks. (bt) HEY! (LOL)
RUTH: All right girls, we'd better get out of here.
(AMY had been examining a computer screen, she looks up at her family sadly)
AMY: I can't leave.
RUTH: What? Why not?
AMY: This computer is preparing to fire all the torpedoes. I've got to stop it. You guys get out.
ANDREA: NO! Mom! We need you! I need you!
AMY: Go on, get out all of you. I can't program with tears in my eyes. I love you all.(AWW)
RUTH: I love you honey. We'll remember you with pride. Come on girls.
RITA: I love you AMY!
(The other Barksdales leave. AMY begins to type frantically at the computer. We see the other Barksdales cram themselves into a small escape pod. Then it is launched. The three women are all crying and clinging to each other, comforting each other over their mutual loss. Meanwhile AMY continues to work frantically to stop the torpedo launch. In a corner of the screen, we see a timer counting down how much time until the torpedoes will launch. At 0:01, the timer stops. Amy sits back and breathes a sigh of relief.)
AMY: I did it! I saved the base. But how do I get out of the sub? (she is interrupted by a beeping sound. She glances at another screen)
TEXT ON SCREEN: Warning: Enemy sub has obtained a torpedo lock on this ship.
AMY: Oh no! I've only got seconds... (suddenly she gets an idea) It's just crazy enough to work! (she rushes out of the control room.)
Swish-pan to:
(aboard the Nimrod)
CHARLES: I've got the sub! They've just launched an escape pod.
JODIE: Track it, but get that sub!
CHARLES: Right! It's all yours Mack!
MACK: Target is locked, Captain. I've got tone.
Swish-pan to:
(Torpedo room, aboard the Striker)
(We see Amy rush into the room. She opens one of the torpedo bays. A torpedo falls out. She stands far back and holds her hands over her ears as the torpedo crashes to the ground. Amy breaths a sigh of relief when it doesn't explode. Then she leaps into the torpedo tube, closing the door behind her.)
Swish-pan to:
(aboard the Nimrod)
CHARLES: They're flooding a torpedo tube!
JODIE: DAMMIT! Mack, take the shot!
MACK: (pulls trigger) Torpedo away!
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 12 (Escape pod)
(We see the surface of the river. The calm surface belies the action going on below. Suddenly, the escape pod surfaces. A hatch on the top opens, and RITA, RUTH and ANDREA all come out and look at the water. Suddenly, there is an underwater explosion, and water flies into the air. They all look at each other sadly.)
RITA: Oh no!
ANDREA: I just can't believe she's gone!
RUTH: I thought... I mean... I really believed she'd find a way to get out.
AMY: Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. Now how about a towel?
RUTH: (looks into the water) AMY! You're alive! You're (bt) NAKED!? (WHOO)
(Amy pulls herself out of the water. Her clothes have been ripped away by the water pressure produced when she launched herself out of the torpedo bay.)
AMY: Oh, what's the big deal mom? It's not as if there are any men around.
(At that moment, the Nimrod surfaces nearby. Its crew emerges, and both Mack and Charles gawk at Amy's naked form)
AMY: EAP! (Blushing all over, she rushes into the escape pod, closing the hatch behind her.)
ANDREA: Hey guys. Long time no see.
JODIE: Andrea? What are you doing out here?
ANDREA: Oh, just another typical family day. Kidnapped by terrorists, that sort of thing. So how's things at your secret base?
JODIE: Secret base? CHARLES!
CHARLES: That was before! I'm a reformed man, I swear! (LOL)
JODIE: Get back to your station! (to Mack) And you! What the hell were YOU gawking at?
MACK: (embarrassed) Gawking? Me? I wasn't gawking.
JODIE: You were gawking, and you know it. Get below, you pervert!
(The crew of the Nimrod disappear back into the ship. The ship moves closer to the escape hatch, then Jodie comes back out, holding a parcel.)
JODIE: We'll tow you back to our base. Oh, and here's a spare jump suit for your daughter.
AMY: (Muffled, from inside the escape pod) Thank you!
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 13 (Secret base)
(The commander's office. All the Barksdales are present)
RUTH: Duke! You old sea dog!
Ruth rushes at the commander and embracess him, then they kiss passionately. (WHOO)
AMY: Mom!
RUTH: Sorry. I'm just thrilled to be alive.
DUKE: (The commander) RUTH! You look as lovely as I remembered. (Ruth blushes) Well, you four have done your country a great service today. Would you please join me for dinner tonight?
RUTH: (disappointed) I'd (bt) I mean WE'd love to, but we've got to be back in Rutherford tonight. We've got to get up early to start the baking. Oh dear, we've probably missed our train, and how will we get our stuff from the hotel?
DUKE: Now, I can take care of that. I'll have someone arrange to have your things shipped back for you. And the least I can do for Melvin's family is arrange to have them flown home.
RITA & AMY: You knew our father?
DUKE: Of course. We served together for many years. We were the best of friends. We even had the same taste in women. (He glances at Ruth meaningfully)
RUTH: (impulsively) Duke, won't you come with us to Rutherford?
DUKE: Why not? I've always wanted to see the small town Melvin talked of so fondly!
(Fade out. Fade in to:)
SCENE 14 (Plane)
(We see a plane taking off from the base. Soon it is flying high. Inside, we see the Barksdales and Duke sitting around.)
ANDREA: Say, where are you planning on landing this thing?
DUKE: Who said anything about landing? (He straps on a parachute) Melvin and I used to do jumps all the time! What do you say, Ruth? Want to jump with me?
ANDREA: Is that what you young people are calling it these days? (LOL)
RUTH: Andrea! (she blushes again) What the hell! You only live once! (she begins to put on a parachute)
RITA: OH ROGER! (she begins to sob)
DUKE: Roger?
RUTH: Her high school sweetheart. He died in a skydiving accident.
ANDREA: He fell on a cow.
DUKE: Ick!
AMY: (To Rita, gently) Honey, if Roger were here, he'd want you to do this. Do it for his memory.
RITA: He was always trying to jump me. (LOL) I mean get me to jump. What the hell. This one's for Roger! (She puts a parachute on.)
ANDREA: (Already has her parachute on) Coming mom?
AMY: I wouldn't miss it for the world! (She puts on a parachute, and they all head for the door.)
DUKE: Ready? All together now:
ALL: GERONIMO!
(They all jump. We see them flying through the air as the end credits run. Rocky Mountain High by Jon Denver plays in the background.)
Windy City Walkabout OK, this one was pretty strange. First of all, you had all the references to other spin-offs from MTV's 'Daria'. For your convenience, I've listed all of them, and whatever I've been able to learn about them at the end of this review. Basically, MTV got some money for Abruptly Amy and decided to cash in on the rest of the cast. Also, this is, to my knowledge, is the only episode that uses the whole 'Live Studio Audience' thing. Beyond that, when they get to Chicago, you've got a Cameo by Chevy Chase & his 'National Lampoon Vacation' family, plus a fairly pointless crossover with CBS's 'Early Edition'. The you get to act III, aboard the alleged WW II sub.... Well, as ANY military buff will tell you (and believe me, a TON of them HAVE told me) the sub parts were TOTALLY inaccurate. I honestly think this is a bit nit-picky though. Another odd thing was the 'inside' joke. You may not have noticed, but the Boris and Natasha in this episode REALLY WERE the same Boris and Natasha that appeared in 'Bullwinkle'. They both got total makeovers so they'd match modern cartoons. All in all, I liked this episode. Do you know why? NO KRISTOVO! ANY episode that doesn't have him in it is good in my book. (Click here to see the ever growing list of reasons why Kristovo is TOTALLY wrong for Amy) Oh, also, while researching this I accidentally (NOT on purpose) somehow wound up in Amy's private trailer. I think the security overreacted big time, and am SURE that when Amy learns the whole story, she'll get the restraining order against me dropped. (Click here to see a copy of it) Oh, and thanks so much to Scar_54 for reporting this on my message board. What you failed to mention was that you were supposed to be on watch, not running away at the first sight of trouble. Anyhow, This ep gets a big thumb up from me!
Fun Fact: The real Daria refused to appear in this episode, so they had to use a look-a-like!
Fanfic Effects: This story may make non-Canon a ton of stories written soon after the premier. I'm thinking specifically of Suddenly Smoochy by Chad Page, which featured Upchuck as the villian. Remeber, Fanfic, it's a great way to deal... with the off season.
The Other Spin-offs
Brit Luvs Kevvy This is a cross between Veronica's Closet and Coach. Brittany and Kevin in LA, Kevin is on the coaching staff of a college football team, and Brit is a struggling model/actress. They are joined by Brit's Mom, who will, of course, be a wise cracking older woman who dislikes Kevin. This might get picked up by one of the big three networks.
Fun Fact: Kevin and Brittany are both tons smarter in this show then they are on Daria. Still dumb as posts, though.
Daria and Jane TOTAL rip-off of Laverne and Shirley! Similarities include: Daria and Jane work at a brewery, Jake will have a pizza parlor, The two guys who live downstairs are annoying (portrayed by Beavis and Butthead, an insult to fans of Lenny & Squiggy). Differences include Jane's refusal to wear a big 'J' on all her clothes, and Helen. Helen will be struggling to start her own law firm, with the help of her harried assistant, Maryanne. No word on if Tom will show up to be 'the big ragu'. This one is being considered by NBC and FOX.
Fun Fact: So far they haven't signed Daria for this one. They may have to use the look-a-like again.
Fashion Friends Rip-off of 'Friends' big time. They even have four guys who are long-time friends living next door. (It's the three J's and, oddly, Ted from 'The New Kid'.) ABC seems sure to snap this one up.
Fun Fact: Quinn and Sandi are best friends, who almost never fight.
Mystik Spiral This is a cross between Undressed, Three Men and a Baby and The Monkeys. Yes, I'm not kidding, it's that bad. Nick's ex drops the baby on him, and the courts actually grant him custody. So despite running around looking for sex, they also end up looking for the baby. May be too lowbrow for MTV and Comedy Central, but Showtime may pick it up. Be afraid, be very, very afraid!
Fun Fact: The boys are on tour with Monique's band, The Harpies.
Good Cop, Bad Cop Every buddy cop show you've ever seen. Look for them to go undercover in drag. FOX has been looking for a cop show since '21 Jump Street' ended.
Fun Fact: According to rumors, they're going to imply that these two are gay.
Lawndale High Just like 'Saved by the Bell, the new classes'. Ms. Li and her staff (which will include some new faces) deal with the likes of Sandi's bratty kid brothers, Jesse's little brother, and Jodie's little sister. Plus some new kids. This one might get picked up by MTV.
Fun Fact: BOTH of Jane's parents may be among the new staff of Lawndale high.
Agents of S.T.I.N.G This is the big one, it's already in production. Mack, Jodie and Upchuck join the secret division of the navy (S.T.I.N.G and NO I don't know what it stands for) and fight terrorism. Kind of a cross between 'G.I. Joe' and 'JAG'. Picked up by the WB.
Fun Fact: Upchuck had it put into his contract that he NOT be referred to as Upchuck in this series.