[TV Guide synopsis: A mysterious woman from Amy's past returns to wreak vengeance on the Barksdales, and may be connected to Ruth's sudden hospitalization. Special guest voice: Salma Hayek as Corona.]
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
(Start with a black screen with the year "1988" in white letters, then fade in to the cramped interior of a small curio shop, currently unattended.)
(Closeup on the front door, a concealed bell and a dramatic arpeggio sound as it is pushed ajar from the outside by a slender feminine left hand tattooed with black spiderwebs that end at the wrist. A large, exquisitely detailed arachnid sits atop the carpals.)
(Cut to the counter as an abrupt crash sounds. Slow zoom on a curtained doorway behind and to the right of the counter.)
MALE VOICE: (angry) Amy! You stupid girl, what'd you break now?!
FEMALE VOICE: (guilty) Oh my God, I'm so sorry, Mr Gibbons! I'll pay for it, I promise!
MALE VOICE: Damn right you will, whatever you broke is coming out of your paycheck along with the other one. You keep this up, you'll be owing me money on payday.
FEMALE VOICE: I'm sorry! It won't happen again, Mr Gibbons, I promise!
MALE VOICE: Damn right it won't. It does, and I fire that fat ass of yours! Now get back out there, I'm expecting a very important buyer any minute.
FEMALE VOICE: (meek) Yes, sir.
MALE VOICE: And for Christsake be more careful!
FEMALE VOICE: Yes, sir.
(The tattooed hand comes into frame, dings the bell on the counter. Some shuffling is heard, and out from behind the curtain comes 18-year-old Amy Barksdale -- obese, with limp hair and a bulbous nose, and barely a shred of self-esteem.)
AMY: (flustered, near tears but trying to hide it) M-may I help you?
(Slow 180-degree turn to reveal the owner of the hand, a tall, slender Latina. She looks to be about Amy's age, but far more beautiful, curvaceous and darkly tanned, with back-length jet black hair. She's dressed in a fancy blouse and jacket, a long black skirt slit almost to the thigh, and high-heeled boots. She acts worldly and carries herself with an air of superiority that says she's used to having things turn out her way.)
WOMAN: (businensslike, trace of accent) Yes. I believe you have something for me?
AMY: (panicked light in her eyes) You're... here for the timepiece?
WOMAN: (hands her a claim ticket) 16th century Swiss. A most exquisite piece.
AMY: Um, I'll-- I'll go find it...
(She turns toward the curtain.)
CORONA: A fine deduction, I must say.
AMY: I beg your pardon?
CORONA: Identifying me as the buyer based on appearance. A fine job. I sense things about people, you are the same way. Have you considered a career in investigation? Perhaps... the FBI?
AMY: Really? The FBI? Y-you think I could?
WOMAN: Oh, almost certainly... Amy.
(Amy looks startled, like "How did she know that?" Then she looks down at the name tag pinned to her shirt over her left breast.)
AMY: Oh. Y-yes, Amy. Amy Barksdale.
WOMAN: Corona Corrrronada. (She trills the 'R' sound on the last name.)
(Amy extends a limp, clammy hand, which Corona shakes politely.)
AMY: (weak smile) Corona? You mean like the Mexican beer?
CORONA: (chuckles, amused) Yes... like the Mexican beer.
AMY: (mutters, miserable) Well, at least you never have trouble starting up a conversation with guys in bars.
(Then she looks suddenly worried, fearing she's just offended a really important customer. But instead Corona smirks.)
CORONA: Sarrrrcasm. (Bt) It's a great way to deal.
AMY: Yeah... yeah, I... guess it is. (Her eyes are lit, she really likes the way that sounds.) Anyway... um, let me go get that piece for you.
(She slips behind the curtain and emerges with a small wooden packing crate, which she lifts onto the counter, hands trembling, avoiding any sort of eye contact.)
CORONA: (produces a bound stack of hundred-dollar bills) And this is for your boss. (yanks a few bills from the stack and hands them to Amy) And this... is for you.
(Amy stares at the huge sum, eyes wide, then realizes how she must look, and collects herself.)
AMY: Er, th-thank you, Ms... Coronada.
CORONA: Call me Corrrrona. (trills the 'R' again)
AMY: (acknowledges) Corona.
CORONA: (smirks) Amy.
(With that, Corona hefts her purchase and turns to go, her spiderwebbed hand resting on top of the crate she supports with her other arm.)
MALE VOICE: Amy! Get your fat ass back here right now and clean this up!
AMY: (sniffs) Y-yes, sir... Mr Gibbons...
(Closeup on young Amy's crumpled face as tears begin to flow.)
(dissolve to: )
SCENE 2 (Barksdale Bake Sale, evening, present day)
(Close-up of Amy's face, now smiling. Fade in sounds of singing.)
AMY: (sings along) ...HA-PPY BIRTH-DAY, DEAR DAAA-RIII-AAA...
(Zooming out reveals Daria Morgendorffer sitting beside Amy at the counter. A birthday cake with a single lit candle shaped like the number "18" is in front of her. Also gathered around are Daria's friend Jane; her sister Quinn; father Jake; her aunt Rita, Amy's sister; Daria's grandmother, Ruth Barksdale; and Amy's recently- adopted daughter, Andrea Hecuba. Everyone but Daria and Andrea sing, Jane with a particularly mirthful smirk on her face.)
EVERYONE: (sings) ...HAAA-PY BIIIRTH-DAY TOOOOOO YOOOOOUUUUUUU!!
JANE: (adds) And ma-ny moooorrre!
AMY: (to camera) Oh, there you are. As you can see, we're throwing an 18th birthday party for my favorite niece, Daria.
JAKE: (excited) Now make a wish, kiddo!
(Daria, ever apathetic, simply licks one index finger and pinches out the burning wick with her thumb and forefinger. She glances around at everyone in the room, as if expecting something earth- shattering to occur.)
DARIA: (after a moment) Rats. It didn't come true. The spinoff's still on.
JANE: (frustrated) Dammit!
DARIA: I know. But it's in our contract. (clears her throat, then blandly) So, Aunt Amy, how is your newly acquired life in the town of Rutherford treating you?
JANE: (plays along) Yes, and I would like to know more about your adopted daughter Andrea and this fine fellow Kristovo, whom you have been seeing.
DARIA: As would I.
JAKE: I'm just so sorry Helen couldn't make it. (nervous chuckle) But you know her, a busy lawyer in the big city...
(Ruth gets an adoring look. Rita and Amy exchange sour glances.)
AMY: (to camera) Helen Morgendorffer is my older, more talented, more successful sister. She's also the only Barksdale sister who's currently married... though Rita has been... several times. Mom thinks every little thing Helen does is even more wonderful than the last thing. Rita and I hate her guts.
DARIA: (interrputs) Um, Aunt Amy? Who are you talking to?
AMY: (whispers, to camera) I'll explain later.
JAKE: So, Amy, your bakery need any consulting work done? (hopeful) Please?
QUINN: This cake looks really fattening. (Bt) Can I take a big piece back for my friend Sandi?
DARIA: (to Jake) Okay, we did the stupid cameo. Can we go home now?
(dissolve to: )
SCENE 3 (Barksdale Bake Sale, the next morning)
(As an instrumental version of the theme plays, slowly transform the shadows and shapes in the darkened bakery into chairs, tables, and counter, as morning sunlight filters through the large plate-glass window of the storefront. Fade out the Barksdales and Morgendorffers, dissolve in some early customers enjoying a freshly-baked breakfast, with Andrea behind the counter in an apron. Fade in "Mechanical Animals" by Marilyn Manson, playing loudly in the background. The customers look at Andrea uncomfortably as they pay. Ruth enters from the kitchen area, her hands dusty with flour.)
RUTH: Andrea! Andrea, turn that racket down!
(Andrea leans with her elbows on the counter, ignoring Ruth.)
RUTH: Andrea, didn't you hear me? Turn that noise off right now!
ANDREA: (feigns deafness) What? Can't hear you, old lady. (She gestures toward the boom box on the counter.) Music's too loud.
(Ruth, annoyed, fumbles with the stereo, unable to find the switch that turns it off. Finally she finds the cord plugged into an outlet at the base of the counter and pulls it loose, cutting off the music.)
ANDREA: (angry) Hey!
RUTH: (criticizes) You're going to drive away all of our customers, young lady! No one will want to come in here if you keep up this kind of attitude.
ANDREA: Bite me, Grandma Ruth.
RUTH: (hands her a bagel in a napkin) Now hurry up and eat your breakfast, you don't want to be late for school.
ANDREA: (tosses it on the counter) School totally licks.
RUTH: (doesn't understand) "Licks"?
ANDREA: Licks, old bat. As in "licks dog ass". I hate everybody there.
RUTH: Oh, come now, dear, you must have some friends.
ANDREA: Especially snotty, stuck-up Charissa Fennell, whose sister is a fashion designer so she gets all the money and clothes she wants...
RUTH: Now you know your money is getting saved for college. (looks disapprovingly at Andrea's getup) But if you want a new outfit, dear, we'll buy you one.
ANDREA: I don't want a new goddamn outfit. I wanna pound that snotty Charissa Fennell bitch.
RUTH: You know, Andrea, maybe the kids at school would warm up to you if you tried acting a little more friendly to them.
ANDREA: (turns, stares) You really don't have a goddamn clue, do you?
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Barksdale residence, Amy's room)
(Amy and Rita are in the former guest room, which is now serving as Amy's permanent sleeping quarters. Amy is busy cleaning and assembling her gun, its parts strewn about the bed, as Rita looks around.)
RITA: I still can't believe Mom let you have the old guest room. I mean, it's almost twice as big as my bedroom!
AMY: Well, you would need a bigger room with all the guys you have sleeping over.
RITA: (put out) Oh, but you and Kristovo keeping us up two nights in a row isn't even worth a mention?
AMY: Trust me, Rita, you'd best leave the sarcasm to the experts. (Bt) Besides, in case you've forgotten, Mom converted my old room into a trophy museum for Helen.
(This shuts Rita up... until she notices Amy putting her weapon back together.)
RITA: Amy, why do you insist on keeping that thing? Don't you realize how much it bothers Mom, having it around?
AMY: Now, Rita, I may have left the Big City and moved back to my quaint, wholesome home town to work at the family bakery with you and Mom and my newly-adopted daughter... but I'm still technically an undercover FBI agent.
RITA: (recites) With degrees in both chemistry and bioengineering, yes, I know.
(Amy unzips the back of her bed's box springs and tucks her firearm away.)
AMY: (checks watch) C'mon, the morning rush is about to start. (turns to camera) She's always like this. See, Rita's made quite a number of bad decisions in her life and feels compelled to take it out on me.
RITA: And what about Andrea? I mean, she's not exactly the most stable teenager in Rutherford. What if she gets ahold of it?
AMY: Oh, she doesn't even know where I keep it. Besides, it's got a trigger-lock, and I have the key in my pocket all the time. (She takes the key out, shows Rita.) Relax, Sis, it's perfectly safe.
RITA: (dead serious) You'd better be sure. She takes that thing to school, and you will have so many lawsuits on your hands...
AMY: (shakes head) My God, Rita, you're starting to sound exactly like Helen.
(Rita looks burned.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Barksdale Bake Sale)
(Closeup of a diagonal parking space. A sleek black convertible, with a shiny covering of what look like metal scales, pulls in slowly. A silver cobra, head raised in a striking position, is the hood ornament. The viewer doesn't see the driver.)
(Cut to interior. Ruth is cleaning tables. Andrea enters with her bag and proceeds to transfer some money into it from the cash register. Nothing she's carrying even suggests schoolbooks or homework.)
RUTH: (sniffs) Is that smoke I smell? Andrea?
(Andrea doesn't answer.)
RUTH: Your grandfather smoked two packs a day for 20 years. He died from emphysema at the age of 38, when your mother was only 10 years old.
ANDREA: Boo-freakin'-hoo.
RUTH: You know, Andrea, I'm your grandmother now, and you ought to start showing me a little respect.
ANDREA: Up yours.
RUTH: I mean, I've given you a home, a job... what more do you want?
ANDREA: Maybe a little bit of my old life back?
RUTH: You know, I got my first job when I was thirteen--
ANDREA: (rolls eyes) Oh God, here we go...
RUTH: I'm not trying to rob you of your freedom, dear. I'm trying to give you a second chance at life, something you lost when you ran away from home!
ANDREA: That was my choice. I didn't "lose" it, I gave it up.
RUTH: But I don't think you realize just how much you gave up. I'm only trying to do what I think is best for you.
(Andrea sulks, doesn't answer.)
(Closeup on the door as it opens, a familiar tattooed hand on the knob. Same incidental music as before. However, this time we see that the web pattern has expanded to cover the entire forearm instead of just the hand. Andrea turns away from Ruth and looks up as the woman, Corona, approaches. She doesn't look a day older than she did 12 years ago. She looks around the bakery keenly, taking in every detail.)
RUTH: (to Andrea) Now don't you ignore me like that, young lady...!
ANDREA: (cold, indicates Corona) Customer, old bag.
CORONA: (puts money on the counter) One plain bagel, please.
ANDREA: (admires) Cool tattoo. You go to Rutherford?
RUTH: (whispers) Andrea, don't stare.
(At Ruth's words, Andrea recovers her 'tude, picks up the untouched bagel Ruth gave her, and shoves it into Corona's hand.)
ANDREA: Here. Choke on it.
(This doesn't seem to bother Corona, who simply turns and leaves.)
RUTH: Andrea, you didn't give her her change! (calls) Miss! Miss, you forgot your change!
(Ruth hustles out the door as fast as her age will allow her.)
ANDREA: (mutters, sarcastic) Go, granny, go.
(She picks up her bag and heads out. Cut to exterior shot. The streets are quiet. Andrea is nearing the first corner when she hears a scream, a loud thump, and tires screeching. Pan to an overhead shot as Andrea runs out to find Ruth lying in the middle of the road gasping for air. People swarm out of the buildings, their faces showing horror and concern.)
ANDREA: (runs toward her) Grandma Ruth! Grandma Ruth, what happened?!
(Rita's battered AMC Charger pulls up. Amy and Rita scramble out, leaving it parked in the middle of the road.)
RITA: Oh my God, what happened to her?!
AMY: (takes charge, dials her cell phone) Yes, this is Special Agent Doctor Amy Barksdale of the FBI, I need paramedics at Main and Stapleton, we have an elderly woman down, please hurry!
RITA: (panics) Oh my God, Mom, are you okay?
RUTH: (hoarse whisper) ...I'm really not... that... elderly...
AMY: (in control, directing the crowd) Who DID this?! Back, c'mon, stand back, give her some air! Didn't anybody SEE anything...?!
END OF ACT ONE
--COMMERCIALS--
ACT TWO
SCENE 1 (Rutherford County Hospital, intensive care unit)(The three women are gathered around Ruth's bedside.)
AMY: (bawls) NO, NO, NOOOO MOM PLEASE YOU CAN'T DIE, YOU JUST CAAAANNNN'T!!!
ANDREA: It's not that bad.
AMY: (bawls) YES IT IS SHE'S HURT REALLY BAD AND NOW SHE'S GONNA DIEEEEEE!!!
ANDREA: Mom... C'mon, Mom, chill out. God.
AMY: "Chill out"?! Andrea, how can you be so calm when your grandma is on her DEATHBED?!?
ANDREA: One, it's not my fault. Two, she's not really my grandma. Three, I seriously doubt it's her deathbed.
AMY: (shrieks) SHE'S NOT YOUR GRANDMA?!? HOW CAN YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? DON'T YOU APPRECIATE HER AT ALL?! YOU ARE HOPELESS, ANDREA, ABSOLUTELY HOPELESS!!!
(Rita removes a bottle of liquor from her purse and takes a swig.)
AMY: (loses it) AND YOU!! GUZZLING YOUR LIQUOR ALL THE TIME--
RITA: HEY, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THIS IS TO CALM MY NERVES! IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T BOTHERED TO NOTICE, I HAPPEN TO BE A LITTLE TENSE RIGHT NOW, OKAY?!?!
AMY: AND SO YOU THINK DROWNING YOUR SENSES IS GOING TO SOLVE ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS?!
(Amy slaps the bottle out of Rita's hand, smashing it. Covering her mouth to stifle another sobbing fit, she storms out.)
ANDREA: (dry) Oh yeah. I'm the one who's hopeless.
(Cut to Amy in a hallway. She pauses and takes a deep breath, collecting herself.)
VOICE: Ms Barrrksdale.
(Amy turns to see Corona standing at the corner of the hallway, waiting, as if expecting her. She's dressed as she was at the bakery, but with the addition of a pair of long white gloves covering her forearms.)
AMY: (suspicious) Yes?
CORONA: Pity about your motherrrr... terrible accident. (looks at Amy significantly) Why, I had just left your bakery, mere seconds before it happened.
AMY: What? Are you the one who hurt her?! Who are you?
CORONA: Who I am is not important. Let's just say I'm... (dramatic pause) ...an old frrriend.
AMY: (annoyed) All right, fine, whatever. I have a mother in the hospital, a teenage daughter who's late for school, and I need to get back to the family business. I don't have time to play guessing games.
(She turns, walks away.)
CORONA: (calls after) No, wait, wait! All right, I'll tell you! Come back!
(Amy stops, turns and waits.)
CORONA: My name is Corona Corrrronada.
AMY: Corona... like the beer?
CORONA: (irritation) Yes, like the beer.
AMY: Okay, that answers question #1. Now for #2: What do you want?
(Corona pulls the glove off her left forearm, revealing the tattoo. Amy gets a look of faint recognition, but still looks puzzled.)
CORONA: Twelve years ago... you worked for a dealer of antiques and fine curios. Import-exporrrrt.
AMY: Yeah, I remember. Gibbons. Arthur Gibbons. That was my first job, evenings and weekends my senior year of high school.
CORONA: (studying her) I must say, you look quite different now. You've lost weight, your nose... did you have cosmetic surrrgery?
AMY: (flattered) Why yes, yes I did. You think I look good?
CORONA: Are you kidding, you look terrific!
AMY: Including the nose?
CORONA: Oh, the nose is fabulous.
AMY: The chin-tuck did wonders, too.
CORONA: And the breasts?
AMY: Oh, those are real. The lipo just enhanced them. That, and I'm wearing a push-up bra. (Bt) But, anyway, you were talking about my first job at Gibbons Antiques?
CORONA: Ah, yes... (falls back into menacing mode) Gibbons and I had made a deal for a timepiece. You gave me a fake. You cost me a great deal of time and money, Amy.
AMY: (shakes her head) I don't know what you're talking about. That was a long time ago.
(She turns to leave.)
CORONA: (calls, threatening) You'd do well to rrremember, Amy Barksdale! The safety of your loved ones depends on it!
(Closeup on Amy's puzzled face.)
(Cut to ICU. A doctor is present, talking to Rita.)
DOCTOR: (to Rita) The police have a description of the car, but it's a rare make, they're researching it. Whoever did this won't be able to hide for long in a small town of just over two thousand people.
RITA: (nods) Thanks, Dr Fitzgerald.
AMY: (enters, catches this last part) Call security. I just saw her.
RITA: Who?
AMY: The woman who hit Mom. She had a spiderweb tattoo... (holds up an arm demonstrates) ...all the way up to the elbow.
ANDREA: Holy crap. She was there this morning, in the bakery! (rushes for the door) Awright, lemme at her--!
AMY: (holds her back) Easy, honey. She's probably already gone.
DOCTOR: (realizes who Amy is) Amy? Amy Barksdale, is that you?
AMY: Oh, hi Dr Fitzgerald. Yep, I'm back in Rutherford and ready for action!
FITZGERALD: Well I must say, you've really turned yourself around! Rita told me you had cosmetic surgery, but my God, I never expected this!
(Amy glares at Rita.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (outside Rutherford High)
(Amy and Andrea, in Rita's Charger, pull up at the school's front doors.)
ANDREA: So what are you gonna do?
AMY: Well, first I'll be closing the bakery for the day. Then I'm going to meet with a friend who can maybe find out who this woman is.
ANDREA: Let me come along. I'm streetwise, I can help.
(Amy rounds the car and opens the passenger door for Andrea.)
AMY: (firm) No, Andrea, you've got school. And you're already late.
ANDREA: I'd say I have a pretty damn good excuse.
AMY: And afterward, you head straight back to the hospital, you understand?
ANDREA: Aww, Jesus Christ, Mom, come on!
AMY: Don't talk to your mother like that.
ANDREA: Just give me a chance, I promise I'll help you find this bitch... we'll be a team!
AMY: (firm) Sorry, honey, you've still got school. And as long as you've still got school, the answer is no.
(Amy remains firm, points toward the school doors. Andrea gives a disgusted sigh, but obeys, turning to go.)
AMY: Andrea?
ANDREA: (turns around) What?
AMY: (spreads her arms, tender look) Hug?
(Andrea rolls her eyes and looks embarrassed beyond belief. But then the look changes to a faint, scheming smirk as she goes back to Amy and gives her a big hug.)
AMY: And try not to annoy your teachers too much.
(Amy watches Andrea go inside with a troubled expression. Slow zoom on her face as we hear:)
CORONA'S VOICE: (echoing in Amy's memory) You'd do well to rrremember, Amy Barksdale...! The safety of your loved ones depends on it...! You'd do well to rrremember... rrremember... rrremember...
(Dissolve into 1989 flashback. Show a quick series of half-blurry images from Amy's memory: Fat, unattractive Amy. Corona approaching the counter in the antique shop. Amy in the crowded back room, behind the curtain. A cloth being lifted aside, revealing an exquisitely crafted miniature grandfather clock. Amy with tears running down her face.)
(Cut back to the present. Amy shakes her head, unable to remember.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Rutherford County Hospital, intensive care unit)
(Rita sits at Ruth's bedside. The heart monitor beeps steadily. Dr Fitzgerald enters.)
FITZGERALD: Try to get some sleep. We've done all we can, and we're watching her 'round-the-clock.
RITA: Will she live?
FITZGERALD: (nods, smiles) I guarantee it. (smile turns to frown)
RITA: What, what is it? There's more, isn't there?
FITZGERALD: She will live, but...
RITA: But...?
FITZGERALD: I'm afraid... your mother may never walk again.
(Rita looks devastated.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Rutherford High)
(Exterior shot, then cut to inside. Andrea trudges through the halls, past the rows of lockers and other students who tend to give her a wide berth. She stops at her own locker, opens it, and takes out one of several cartons of cigarettes stacked inside. A guy wearing baggy clothes and a backwards baseball cap with spiky hair sticking out, and carrying a skateboard, arrives at his locker, next to Andrea's.)
GUY: (friendly, leering a bit) Heyyyy, Andrea!
ANDREA: Get bent.
(She slams her locker closed and continues down the hall, where she passes "stuck-up snotty Charissa Fennell" chatting excitedly with a pair of her friends. Charissa is tall, skinny, blonde, gorgeous, the quintessential high-school beauty queen. And everything Andrea hates. She's wearing a black jumper that reaches about to her knees, over a red plaid top.)
GIRL #1: Ohmigod, Charissa, that is just soooo cool! Who all's coming?
CHARISSA: Everybody! Well, everybody cool anyway. Allen and Jenny and Cindy and Paul and Eric and like, Josh and Lilah of course, wouldn't be a party with-out, y'know?
GIRL #2: (agreement) No way.
GIRL #1: We will be so there.
GIRL #2: Totally.
GIRL #1: (points at Charissa's outfit) Ohmigod, Charissa, you have got to wear that jumper, I love it, it is just so cute!
CHARISSA: Yeah, except the fabric's really crappy -- half poly, half cotton. It's like, hello, make up your mind, one way or the other, y'know?
GIRL #2: Should we invite that new girl? Andrea whatever?
CHARISSA: That girl is so weird. She's been here for what, a whole month and hasn't even found a clique, like what is up with that, y'know?
GIRL #1: Ohmigod, she's like, looking at us.
(Charissa looks, and sure enough, Andrea has been staring at them for some time.)
GIRL #2: Well, let's invite her. And that Ryan guy, too, he's always like, looking at her.
GIRL #1: Ugh! Hate him, wouldn't want to date him!
GIRL #2: Eschew him, wouldn't want to do him!
(They slap high-fives in appreciation of their wit.)
CHARISSA: (thinking) Hmm... Then we'd have two freaks. Like, enough to go around, y'know? (to Andrea and Ryan, the skate-punk kid) Hey, I'm having a party at my place Friday night and need a couple of losers to like, fill out the crowd, y'know. You two wanna come?
ANDREA: Hell no.
CHARISSA: C'mon, it'd be good for you. You could go shopping and get a new outfit for it, then you'd have like two, y'know?
ANDREA: (indicates her clothes) Hey, I'm a Goth, this is who I am. And I don't need you to tell me every little goddamn thing I should be doing, I have a crappy home life for that. Bitch.
(She starts to walk away. Charissa looks peeved at being blown off.)
CHARISSA: (calls after) Oh, and by the way, I'm sorry your grandma got hit by a car.
ANDREA: (surprised, turns) You are? (suspicious) You mean that?
CHARISSA: Yeah. It's like, too bad it wasn't you, y'know?
(Silence. Everyone stops dead in their tracks, eyes on Andrea, who glares at Charissa. A couple of people nearby who've had dealings with this girl before get "uh-oh" expressions. Ryan cracks a big smile / gasp, eager to see what Andrea will do. Girl #2 backs away from Charissa as discreetly as possible.)
(Andrea opens her mouth, then closes it, turns away and walks on, as if she's just going to let the remark go. But then, right before she's past, she whirls around, grabs a fistful of the back of Charissa's black jumper, gives it a hard yank, and just rips the whole thing clean off her body.)
(Students gasp, quite a few laugh. Wide-eyed with mortification, Charissa gasps and looks desperately for a place to hide herself. A few of her friends gather around her to keep her out of view from anyone who might pass by... although by this point everybody present has already seen. Including a very irate Principal Tingle.)
TINGLE: Hecuba!
ANDREA: (looks down at the ruined jumper) Um... You were right, this really is crappy fabric. (She hands it back to the exposed Charissa, who attempts to cover herself with it as best she can.) If I were you I'd take it back where you got it and ask for a refund.... y'know?
TINGLE: (to Andrea) My office, now!
ANDREA: (to Charissa) So, um, see you Friday, then?
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Tingle's office)
(Closeup of an apple as a knife cleaves through it with one swift stroke. Principal Tingle sits behind his desk, glaring at Andrea, who slouches in a chair on the other side.)
TINGLE: (takes a bite of the apple he's eating) Ms Hecuba, you are incorrigible. You are the worst student we've had at Rutherford High in a long time.
ANDREA: I try.
TINGLE: (slices apple) I'm afraid I have no choice but to suspend you from school for three days. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
ANDREA: Go [bleep] yourself.
TINGLE: (accidentally cuts himself, jams his finger in his mouth) What was that??
ANDREA: (slowly and deliberately) You heard me: Take that knife... cut off your [bleep]... shove it up your [bleep]... and [bleep] yourself.
TINGLE: That does it, Hecuba! You are suspended from Rutherford High for one week, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! Now GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!
(Cut to hallway shot of the office door. Andrea emerges, lets it slam behind her.)
ANDREA: (raises fists in triumph) Yes!
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (Kristovo's place, late morning)
(Kristovo and Amy sit in chairs the den, which Kristovo has converted into an office for his FBI work. There are file cabinets, a slide projector and screen, two shelves of books, and a miniature video workshop with a computer terminal. The two agents / lovers sit in front of the latter, poring over surveillance footage pulled from the hospital security camera. The film speeds by in fast-forward, people passing quickly in and out of frame.)
AMY: Thanks for meeting with me on such short notice.
KRISTOVO: Always a pleasure, sweet Amy. (laughs / coughs) Though I do have two stopped-up sinks and a washing machine to repair this afternoon.
AMY: (to camera, explains) Kristovo's a fellow undercover agent posing as a local fix-it man. (smiles, whispers) And he's terrific in bed.
(Close-up on the screen as Corona comes into the frame at the corner of the hallway.)
AMY: (indicates) Okay, freeze here.
(Kristovo pauses the tape.)
AMY: (points at screen) Zoom in on the face.
KRISTOVO: (does so) We're fortunate she happened to be standing directly in front of the camera. Facing it, as well.
(The square expands to fill the entire screen with a blurry, grainy still of Corona's face.)
AMY: Now enhance it to a ridiculous level of detail.
(Kristovo taps a sequence of keys, and in mere seconds the image morphs into a black-and-white photo-realistic likeness.)
AMY: Any chance you could colorize it?
KRISTOVO: No problem.
(He hits some more keys, and a screen-sweep fills the picture with vibrant color. Kristovo gets a look of recognition in his eyes.)
AMY: (notices) What is it?
KRISTOVO: I recognize her. The Bureau has her on file.
(He rolls his chair over to one of the file cabinets digs out a thick folder. Closeup on the first page as Kristovo tosses it open on the desk in front of Amy. It shows a standard police file with personal statistics, and a pair of mug-shot photographs paper-clipped to the report.)
KRISTOVO: Corona Coronada. AKA the "Mexican beer lady". Arrested eleven times in the past ten years in connection with hit-and-runs. In every case the charges were dropped for lack of evidence.
AMY: But you've been tracking her?
KRISTOVO: The kingfish in D.C. don't believe me, but she's involved with something big. She's been seeking out antiquaries, archaeologists, doing hits on museums. It's my belief that she's member of a secret society known as... the Secret Society.
AMY: (disbelief) "The Secret Society"??
KRISTOVO: Records indicate they've never been very good with names.
(He flips through several file photographs of Corona entering buildings, Corona talking with people, a white beachside mansion, an odd-looking black convertible--)
AMY: (on seeing the car picture) There! What kind of car is that?
KRISTOVO: The Egyptian King Cobra. Only a couple hundred were ever made. (Bt) Japanese make, I think. Coronada has been known to drive one.
AMY: (whisper) The same car Mom said hit her...
KRISTOVO: (flips back to mug shots) And look at her... according to this report she'd be our age now, but she looks like she's just turned 18. As if she hasn't aged at all.
AMY: Plastic surgery can do wonders.
KRISTOVO: (runs his eyes up and down Amy's voluptuous body) Indeed.
AMY: (explains) Sarcasm, Kristovo.
KRISTOVO: (wide smile) It's a great way to deal.
(He leans toward her, and the two kiss passionately. They stand, still in lip-lock, tugging eagerly at each others' clothing. Amy's rear bumps into the slide projector, sending it toppling off its tray onto the floor, where it clicks on, casting a silhouette of their entwined bodies on the far wall.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (Barksdale residence)
(Hold on establishing exterior shot briefly, then cut to interior shot of the kitchen. Andrea enters and pushes a button on the answering machine.)
TINGLE'S VOICE: Hello, Ms Barksdale, this is Principal Howard Tingle at Rutherford High School. I wanted to let you know I've suspended your daughter Andrea for--
ANDREA: Go to hell, Tingle.
(Andrea pushes a button, and the machine beeps, deleting the message. She opens the fridge and takes out a beer, presumably Rita's.)
(Cut to Amy's bedroom as Andrea enters. She heads straight for the bed, unzips the back of the box springs, and pulls out Amy's gun. Reaching under her shirt, she produces from her bra the trigger key she picked from Amy's pocket during their good-bye hug.)
ANDREA: God, Mom is so clueless.
(Sound of a door opening off-camera. Andrea turns, startled, creeps out to the upstairs landing, and peers around the corner down the stairs, just in time to catch a glimpse of someone in another room. Cautiously, she proceeds down the stairs and creeps against the far wall. Cut to shot of the den as Andrea peers in around the doorframe. Corona is there, searching cabinets and scanning shelf contents.)
(Cut to Andrea in the hall. Seeing it's someone she doesn't know, she checks the gun's chamber for ammo, then cocks it.)
(Cut to den. Corona snaps to alertness, hearing the click. She knows someone is watching her, gets a cunning expression, and moves for the front door. Andrea follows at a safe distance.)
(Cut to Andrea's POV as Corona heads out into the front yard and to her car, the Cobra, parked a short distance down the street. Andrea heads over to Amy's red convertible, parked in the driveway. Climbing inside, she scrunches down in the seat and proceeds to hotwire the vehicle. Down the street, Corona makes a U-turn and heads back past the Barksdale residence. Andrea backs out of the driveway and follows her.)
(Cut to a row of warehouses on the city's outskirts. Corona, wearing sunglasses while she drives, pulls into a narrow alley between two buildings. Andrea, in Amy's car, follows, but parks in front instead. Gun held at the ready, she creeps into the dark alley. Suddenly a blinding light engulfs her, accompanied by the sound of an engine revving loudly. Andrea shields her eyes from the light until Corona flips them onto the dim setting. She raises her left arm, hand turned toward Andrea, the spider tattoo clearly visible. Andrea glances behind her and sees the mouth of the alley is still a good run away. Corona's Cobra blocks the other end. It's a trap.)
ANDREA: Damn!
(Andrea pulls the gun and aims it. Corona revs the engine again.)
ANDREA: (under her breath) C'mon, bitch... c'mon...
(Andrea fires a shot at the windsheld, but the glass is bulletproof, it bounces off. Corona doesn't even flinch. Closeup of her boot on the gas pedal as she guns it, sending the tires squealing as she prepares to run Andrea down.)
ANDREA: (firing repeatedly as the car nears her) DIE... YOU... BITCH...!
(The car roars closer. Andrea runs out of ammo, turns and runs, tries to dive out of the way at the last minute, landing roughly on the concrete and dropping Amy's gun.)
(Quick shot of the car. Closeup of Corona's foot as it slams on the brake. Cut to closeup of the right front tire, screeching to a halt a half-inch from Andrea's face. Before Andrea can get up, Corona leaps over the windshield, slides down the hood of the car, snatches up the gun and has it held to Andrea's temple. Dramatic musical chord.)
CORONA: Hmm, seems we both may have found what we were looking for, eh, pistolerrrra?
END OF ACT TWO
--COMMERCIALS--
ACT THREE
SCENE 1 (Rutherford County Hospital, intensive care unit)
(A pair of nurses prepare to wheel Ruth's bed out of the room.)
RITA: Is this the only way?
FITZGERALD: This experimental operation could repair the damage to her spinal column. It's our last hope. But...
RITA: But...?
FITZGERALD: But... there's always the risk with surgery... that she may not make it through.
RITA: (uncertain) I just... I wonder how Amy would handle it.
FITZGERALD: Ms Barksdale, your sister isn't here to make that decision. If you want us to try the surgery, we need to get your mother prepped now.
(Pause as Rita ponders the options, Fitzgerald looking expectant.)
RITA: (determined to show Amy she can take charge) Yes. (nods, confirming) Do whatever you can to help her walk again.
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (driving, in Kristovo's car)
(Windshield view. Amy rides shotgun.)
KRISTOVO: This is a needle in a haystack, Amy. Local P.D. has had two reported sightings of the car, but no leads.
AMY: Try the Abandoned Warehouse District.
(Her cell phone rings, and she answers it.)
AMY: Hello?... ...Oh, hi Principal Tingle... ...I know, I'm sorry, I haven't been at home or the bakery all day today... (look of surprise) ...She was?... ...She did WHAT?!... (sighs) ...All right, I'll talk to her...
(She hangs up.)
KRISTOVO: What is it?
AMY: Andrea got suspended from school again. Damn! (pounds her fist on the car door) What trouble will that girl get into next?
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Corona's hideout)
(Shot of Corona's car, then pan right past a dirty window to Andrea. Manacles bind her to the brick wall, arms spread, a metal brace around her ankles.)
CORONA: (purrs) Comforrrrtable?
ANDREA: Kiss my ass.
CORONA: (leans close, menacing) You should watch how you talk to me, little girl.
ANDREA: (defiant) Listen, chickarita. If you're trying to scare me, it's not gonna work. I've been in this position at more orgies than I can count.
(Corona puts a leg up on a wooden crate, reaches for one of her boots.)
CORONA: Is that so? (whips out a knife, holds it against Andrea's neck) And how many times was this with a knife to your thrrrroat?
ANDREA: (now a bit frightened, but trying hard not to show it) Er... once or twice...
CORONA: (puts the knife away, satisfied) But don't worry, little girl. You're perrrfectly safe here. And you'll continue to be, provided you tell me exactly what I want to know.
ANDREA: Why do you keep calling me "little girl"? We're the same age. (angry) You're the one who hit Grandma Ruth, aren't you? When my Mom finds you she'll--
CORONA: Ah yes, your mother. The great Amy Barksdale -- DAR, Ph.D, and FBI -- is coming to rescue you. But I wonder this: Is Amy truly your savior? Or perhaps... merely a chimerrrra?
ANDREA: All right, if it'll shut you up, I'll bite: What the hell do you want?
CORONA: My name... is Corona Corrrronada.
ANDREA: Corona. You mean like the Mexican beer?
CORONA: (sighs, exasperated) Yes. Like the beer.
(Andrea looks up sharply as something catches her eye. Cut to Andrea's POV of the window on the opposite side of the warehouse. Zoom in to show Kristovo and Amy driving slowly past.)
(Cut to outside. Kristovo parks and the two agents climb out to investigate. Amy kneels down beside a pool of liquid, leaked from Corona's car when Andrea shot at it. Amy sticks a couple of fingers in the fluid and lifts them to her nose.)
KRISTOVO: Radiator fluid?
AMY: Hmm... my expert chemical-analysis skills tell me this particular radiator fluid has a significantly higher nitrogen content than normal. Only a truly unique kind of car could use it.
KRISTOVO: She must be here. And it looks like your daughter might be too.
AMY: What?! Did you find her fingerprints somewhere?
KRISTOVO: No. (motions Amy over, points) But your car's parked right there.
AMY: Oh. Right.
KRISTOVO: How did you get mixed up with this woman anyway?
(Slow zoom on Amy's face, another flashback of images from Amy's memory: Corona entering the shop. A cloth being lifted aside. The miniature clock. The floor, littered with splintered wood and shards of broken glass. Amy sobbing. Flash-forward back to present.)
AMY: (to camera) No, I honestly cannot remember who she is!
KRISTOVO: (scouting the place out) We should take her by surprise. You go in front, I'll make an entry from the rear.
AMY: Hmm, let's try that in bed tonight.
(Kristovo emits a laugh / cough as he heads around back. Cut to inside. Corona is still attempting to interrogate Andrea.)
CORONA: The timepiece! Your mother must have told you where it is!
ANDREA: Um, excuse me? But she's only been my Mom for like a month.
KRISTOVO'S VOICE: (off-camera) Freeze!
(Sharp pan left to show him holding out his gun and badge.)
KRISTOVO: Corona Coronada, I am Special Agent Martinez of the FBI. You are under arrest. Get down on your knees, put your hands behind your head. Make no sudden movements.
(At that moment, Amy crashes through the ceiling and lands directly on top of Kristovo, knocking the gun out of his hand. Corona kicks it away and takes advantage of the distraction to snatch up her gun and a small black box.)
AMY: Oof... (She gets to her feet, brushes herself off.)
ANDREA: Nice entrance, Mom.
KRISTOVO: What was that all about, Amy? Why didn't you just use a door like I did?
AMY: (defensive) I thought it would look cooler this way. How was I supposed to know you were right below me?
CORONA: How nice to see you again so soon, Amy. But I'm afrrraid I'm unable to stay and chat. (lifts lid on black box, casually presses a red button) This entire place will blow in five minutes.
AMY: (sees Andrea chained up) Andrea?! Dammit, I thought I told you to stay out of this!
ANDREA: (nods head toward Corona) Hey, I found her before you, didn't I?
AMY: (spots her weapon lying nearby) You stole my key, took my gun... And on top of all that, you got yourself suspended from school AGAIN?
ANDREA: (rolls eyes) Oh hell... Tingle called you.
AMY: My God, Andrea, what gets into you? How could you humiliate that poor girl, expose her to whole school like that?
ANDREA: Oh, for crying out loud. She was wearing underwear.
CORONA: (interrupts) Um, hello?
AMY: What difference does that make? How would you like it if somebody did something like that to you?
ANDREA: Somebody did that to me I'd kick their ass. If Charissa'd done that, or at least tried, she might get some respect from me.
AMY: I don't suppose you even called the hospital to find out how Grandma Ruth is doing?
CORONA: (waves a hand) Pardon me? Evil villainess here?
ANDREA: Well, jeez, I only did all that cuz I wanted to wail on the person who did that to Grandma. I mean, nobody screws with my newly-acquired family and gets away with it!
AMY: (stops, realizes) Then... all this disobedience was to show you really do care about Grandma Ruth? (gets tears in her eyes, emotional) Oh, Andrea! Give me a hug!
(She goes to her daughter and holds her tight, tears on her cheeks.)
ANDREA: Um, I'm kind of chained up here, Mom.
CORONA: (glances nervously at the countdown timer) Ah, nuts to this! (moves for her car, shoves Kristovo aside) Move it, handsome.
(She gets in the car, starts it, and stomps on the brake, crashing through the warehouse door.)
KRISTOVO: (pulls Amy away, he's been investigating the rest of the warehouse) Amy, we have to get out of here. This whole place is rigged to go up in an enormous climactic explosion!
AMY: You get Andrea down, I'll go after her! (Amy dashes toward the exit, after Corona.)
(Cut to outside. Corona speeds down the highway as Amy runs for Kristovo's car. She starts it, pulls out after. Cut to overhead shot of the vehicle in hot pursuit.)
(Cut to warehouse. Kristovo examines the manacles holding Andrea to the wall.)
ANDREA: (looks at timer) There's less than two minutes left. Can you stop it?
KRISTOVO: Hold tight. We're getting out of here.
ANDREA: I'll take that as a no.
(He grabs a crowbar that happens to be right there, and procedes to pry the manacles open. His taut, rippling muscles strain from the effort until the metal finally snaps.)
KRISTOVO: Come on!
(He grabs her by the arm and the two run for the exit. Closeup of the timer, showing about 30 seconds remaining. Cut to outside shot as they emerge, climbing into Amy's convertible.)
KRISTOVO: Where are the keys?!
ANDREA: I hotwired it!
(Andrea leans over and fiddles with the wires. The car only sputters. She tries again, with the same result.)
ANDREA: Why won't it start?!
KRISTOVO: It never starts the first time in really intense situations!!
(Andrea tries again, beads of sweat forming on her forehead. This time, the engine roars to life.)
ANDREA: Got it! Go! Go!!
(Closeup on the timer as the last three seconds count down. Dramatic pause as it hits zero, then fast cut to closeup of Kristovo's foot slamming the gas. Amy's red convertible pulls away from the warehouse just as the hole place goes up, slow-motion, in an enormous fireball behind the car.)
(Cut to closeup of Corona in her car. She steers with the tattooed hand while opening another detonator box with her other. She jams her thumb on the red button.)
(Cut to Kristovo and Andrea in Amy's car. Seeing a rising tower of smoke coming from the town, Kristovo pulls over to the side of the road, stands on the seat, and strains to see the source.)
ANDREA: What the hell is that?
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (road outside town)
(The road widens into four lanes. Amy guns it, pulls alongside Corona, who's in the left lane, and prepares to leap into the other car... but then realizes she's in Kristovo's vehicle, which has a fixed top.)
AMY: (to camera) Damn... It's times like this I really miss Red.
(Still, she rolls the window down, clicks on the cruise-control, undoes her seat belt, and leaps through the window, grabbing onto the side of Corona's Cobra and pulling herself into the back seat, then leaping into the front.)
CORONA: Welcome aboarrrrd, Amy! You may not be much of an action hero, but you're about to get a crash course!
(Corona accelerates and veers off the road, aiming for a large tree. Closeup on Amy's seat area as she inspects it, unable to find a seat belt on the passenger side, and realizing what Corona's about to do.)
(Corona looks to Amy expectantly, waiting for her to try to jump. So Amy just sits back. Ahead the tree looms larger, getting uncomfortably close. Corona slams the brake, tearing up dirt and grass and skidding to a stop an inch from the tree.)
CORONA: (angry) How did you know I was bluffing?!
AMY: (pats the car) Only 200 of these babies ever made? Trust me, Corona, if there's one thing I know, it's appreciation for a good car. (Bt) That and biochemistry. And the secret to great chocolate-chip cookies.
(As Amy talks, Corona leaps out, surveying the area. It's level open ground between two patches of trees on either side. A couple of rusted signposts with no signs on top stick out of the ground. There's a cliff edge about 20 feet away.)
CORONA: Ah, yes, your precious family business. (nods down the hill toward town) Perhaps you should check your oven, Amy, I do believe something's burrrrning.
(Amy looks, sees a steady stream of smoke rising.)
AMY: (gasps) The bakery! (to Corona, wails) Why are you doing this to meeeee?!
CORONA: (astounded) You honestly can't remember, can you? How can someone so obviously brilliant be such a complete moron?
AMY: You bitch!
(Amy yanks one of the rusted signposts out of the ground. Closeup on her face, dramatic pause.)
AMY: (intense) Now it's personal!
(Cut to downtown Rutherford, where the flames consuming the Bake Sale continue to rise.)
PEOPLE: (panicked shouts) Help! / Barksdale Bake Sale is on fire! Somebody do something!
ANDREA: (to herself) Set the place on fire! Now why didn't I think of that?
(Cut to the fire station as the fire trucks begin to pull out of the garage, sirens wailing. Mayor Danziger is out from his office to see them off. But they sputter to a stop just outside the driveway, leaking gas, rubber tubes dangling from the undersides of the trucks.)
DANZIGER: Oh, no! The fuel lines have been sabotaged!
PEOPLE: (panicked shouts) The Bake Sale is doomed! / What shall we do?! / Aww, I really wanted a muffin!
KRISTOVO: We've got to put it out somehow!
ANDREA: You think?
(Just then, a skateboard coasts up beside Andrea.)
RYAN: (holds up buckets) Hey, you guys look like you could use these!
KRISTOVO: Yes! That's it!
(He grabs the buckets from Ryan and passes them out to the townspeople. Wide shot of the main street, as the inhabitants of Rutherford line up a bucket brigade between the firehouse and the bakery. Back to Andrea and Kristovo.)
ANDREA: (watching, in awe) Wow... when disaster struck, this little town all banded together to help out. Something like this would never happen back in Lawndale. (Bt) Ahh, this place still licks!
(Just then, Amy's red convertible pulls up.)
RITA: (sticks her head out the window) Hope we're not too late to help!
(Back to Amy and Corona. Amy, with the rusty signpost, takes a swing at Corona, who leaps backward in an agile motion and uproots the other post. The two women stand at the ready, facing each other down. Corona makes the first move, swinging hers in a wide overhead arc, clanging against Amy's as she holds it up with both hands to block. Amy swings low, and the posts cross at waist level. They break, fall back a step, and pause.)
AMY: (to camera) Remember, don't try any of this at home, kids. I'm a professional.
(Corona takes advantage of Amy's inattention to crack her hard upside the head, knocking her down.)
AMY: (in pain) Ahhh! (gets up) Aww, cheap shot! That's it, you're going down!
(Amy swings again and Corona ducks, the rusty metal sweeping by a half-inch above her head. She swings again and Corona blocks, the posts crossing at face level. Corona grips hold of Amy's weapon.)
CORONA: (sultry) Ooh, is that a prrrromise?
(Amy shakes free and dodges as Corona slashes.)
(Cut to the Bakery. One final bucket is thrown onto the dying smoke.)
DANZIGER: The fire is out! The bakery is saved!!
PEOPLE: YAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!
ANDREA: (turns to Ryan) Hey, Ryan... I've thought about it and I've decided... I'm not gonna stomp the crap outta you for this. (tiny smirk)
(Ryan understands, that's her way of saying thanks.)
RYAN: No prob, Andrea. Anything for my favorite hot Goth chick!
(He moves to put an arm around her.)
ANDREA: (ice-cold) You touch me, you wear your nuts for earrings.
(She stalks off. Ryan gazes after, grinning. He's in love.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Cliff edge)
(Amy struggles to hold Corona off, but she's on the defensive as the tattooed Latina redoubles her efforts, edging her backward toward the brink.)
CORONA: (demands) Where is the timepiece, Amy?!
AMY: (getting winded) I don't know... what you're talking about! Maybe you should ask... Arthur Gibbons... the owner!
CORONA: I did. He was most unhelpful. Especially seeing as how I was his very last customer.
AMY: You killed him? You killed my boss?? (Bt) Eh, I never liked him anyway.
CORONA: We decide the fate of everyone, Amy!
AMY: Your Society, you mean?
CORONA: We possess the secret of eternal life! The timepiece is the final key! With it we can finally open the Tomb and resurrect our Leader!!
AMY: You know, you really need to lighten up a little. We make this dough--
(Corona swings viciously, Amy barely manages to dodge in time. She steps back and tries a karate kick, but Corona trips her up with the pole, sending Amy tumbling backward over the cliff.)
AMY: (screams) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH...!!!
(Fade and distort her scream as the fall triggers her memory. Amy's life flashes before her eyes in disordered fragments: Amy's childhood, Ruth hugging young Helen while ignoring her. Amy falling into the table of baked goods in high school. Amy talking with Daria at Erin's wedding. Amy graduating from Quantico. Amy moving to Rutherford. Andrea saving Amy's life. And... that day in the antique shop, 12 years ago...)
(Amy is in the back room, unpacking some newly-arrived goods. She pulls a cloth aside to reveal an exquisitely crafted miniature grandfather clock. She takes it out gently and sets it on the counter. Suddenly, the bell on the shop door rings, startling her. As she spins around, she bumps the clock with her large rear end, sending it crashing to the floor.)
MALE VOICE: (angry) Amy! You stupid girl, what'd you break now?!
AMY: (guilty) Oh my God, I'm so sorry, Mr Gibbons! I'll pay for it, I promise!
(Flash-forward to present, the camera looking down on Amy as she clings to the cliff face. Be sure we can see plenty of cleavage down her shirt. Corona kneels at the edge as Amy finishes relating the memory triggered by the fall.)
CORONA: (stunned disbelief) That's what happened to my timepiece?!
AMY: (pleading) Yes! So I put another similar one in the box and gave it to you! I threw the pieces away, I don't know where they went after that! It was an accident!
CORONA: (chuckles) How trrrruly ironic... for you see, Amy: Your mother's injury, your daughter's kidnapping, the arrrrson job on your beloved bakery... None of this would have happened today, if it hadn't been for your fat ass twelve years ago!
AMY: NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!
CORONA: (shakes her head, smirking) If only you'd had your surgery earlier.
(Amy hears a car enging in the distance, decides to stall for time.)
AMY: On that subject... You know, it might have been smart if you'd checked the package while you were still there, it could have saved you all this trouble.
CORONA: (vexed) Oh, just shut up.
(The car engine becomes louder.)
AMY: You taught me yourself, Corona. Sarcasm.
CORONA: Sarcasm?
(Just then Corona hears the engine and whirls around to see Amy's red convertible heading straight for her. Close-up on Ruth driving.)
AMY: (quietly) It's a great way to deal.
(Medium shot of Corona on the outcropping, trapped with no place to run. Close-up of her horrified face.)
CORONA: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Ruth slams into her and sends her over the edge. She turns the wheel tightly and the car skids sideways and stops.)
CORONA: (plummets) I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, AMY BARKSDALE!!! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE SECRET SOCIETY!!! WE ARE EVERYWHERRRRE!!!!!! (she screams all the way down)
(Kristovo leaps out, goes to Amy's aid. Ruth, Rita and Andrea also climb out.)
KRISTOVO: Oh, my sweet Amy! Thank heavens you're okay! (pulls her up, they embrace)
AMY: (pulls away when she sees Ruth) Mom?!? What are you doing out of the hospital?!
RITA: Well, you're never going to believe this... But they took her in for surgery, and it turns out the accident aligned her hip better than ever!
RUTH: I haven't felt this good in years, Amy!
ANDREA: You kicked ass, Grandma Ruth!
AMY: You're... you're all right!
RUTH: Yes, dear... although Dr Fitzgerald did advise me against driving. (Bt) He was afraid I'd get in another accident!
(The whole group shares a hearty laugh at the irony of this. Close-up on Amy's face, dissolve into one final flashback of Amy's tear-filled face as she stands in the antique store. Then abruptly, she stops, dries her eyes.)
MALE VOICE: Amy! Are you deaf or just stupid? I told you to get back here, I'm not paying you to sit on your ass all day!
(Amy, remembering Corona's words, faces the curtain and says:)
AMY: I should think not. This store already has an expert at that.
(And with those words, her first sarcastic act ever, she turns around and walks to the front door. Closeup of her satisfied face as she walks out.)
(dissolve to: )
SCENE 6 (Barksdale Bake Sale, present day, a few weeks later)
(Close-up of Amy's face, smiling. Fade in sounds of singing.)
AMY: (sings along) ...HA-PPY BIRTH-DAY, DEAR AAAA-MYYYYYY...
(Zooming out reveals Amy at the counter, wearing a party hat. A birthday cake with a single candle shaped like the number "31" is in front of her. Also gathered around are Daria, Jane, Jake, Quinn, Rita, Andrea, and a fully-recovered Ruth Barksdale. Everyone but Daria, Andrea, and Jane sing.)
EVERYONE: (sings) ...HAAA-PY BIIIRTH-DAY TOOOOOO YOOOOOUUUUUUU!!
JAKE: Make a wish, Amy!
(She does, closing her eyes, pursing her full lips, and poofing out the candle. Applause from Jake, Quinn, Rita and Ruth.)
JAKE: Gee, Amy, I'm sure glad we could make it out here to celebrate your birthday.
JANE: (flat, reading her words from a script, pausing at the end of each line to "carriage-return" down to the next) Yes Amy I am eager to hear about your... escapades involving the mysterious tattooed... woman who hit Grandma Ruth with her... car and kidnapped Andrea.
DARIA: (to Jane) We really need to re-negotiate that damn contract.
(The phone rings.)
JAKE: I'll get it! (he does) Barksdale Bake Sale, Jake Morgendorffer speaking!
(Cut to a overhead shot of a sprawling mansion, on the beach of an island somewhere.)
FEMALE VOICE: (voice-over) Amy Barksdale, please.
(Cut to inside, closeup of the front of Corona's face, with the phone to her ear. Begin slow pan around her head as she talks, from her right ear -- the one with the phone -- counter-clockwise across her face.)
CORONA: Tell her it's her friend Corrrrrona. (pause, then through gritted teeth) Yes, like the beer...
(Cut back to Jake.)
JAKE: Just a sec. (Hands the phone to Amy.)
AMY: Hello?
(Back to Corona, continue panning around her head.)
CORONA: Hello, Amy. I just wanted to say that, even after everything you've put me through, I still harbor no hard feelings against you perrrrsonally. All the same, I'll be seeing you, as soon as I'm fit to travel again. You and your family will neverrrr be safe... until I have what is mine.
(Back to Amy, a worried expression on her face.)
CORONA'S VOICE: (on phone) Amy? Amy, are you therrrre?
JAKE'S VOICE: (off-camera) Ask her if she needs any consulting work done!
(Amy sets the phone down on the counter, without hanging it up. Back to Corona, finish the pan around her head. We can now see someone else's hand holding the phone up to her ear.)
CORONA: Amara?
ANOTHER FEMALE VOICE: Yes, Ms Coronada?
CORONA: Hang up.
(Zoom out, a short-haired blonde woman clicks the phone off and puts it on a small table next to some other miscellaneous arcane-looking artifacts: an ornate key, a parchment scroll, a very old leatherbound book, a flask containing some hot-pink liquid. Amara's left hand has the same spider-and-web tattoo pattern, but it ends at the wrist, like Corona's did in the first flashback scene, 12 years ago.)
(Continue slow zoom outward, revealing a spacious private gym. Amara helps Corona out of a wheelchair, offering her body for support. Corona stands, grips a set of parallel bars with unsteady hands, and struggles to walk again, looking more determined than ever.)
(Play a darkly ominous rendition of the theme song's closing strains as we fade out and display:)
By E. Charlton Fuhrmann
Alan Smithee first approached me through my agent about writing for the Abruptly Amy series. At first I thought he'd come across one of the many screenplays I've had circulating around Tinseltown, but I later found out it was because he just went through a list of writers he could get cheap and pointed out my name at random. My agent set up an interview between the two of us, and instructed me to bring along beer.
At the studio I watched the Abruptly Amy pilot and immediately knew I needed to get a different agent. Still, Smithee offerred me a job without asking any questions, and you don't get that every day. So I figured I'd write for a bad show and do my darnedest to make it good. Well, less bad, anyway.
For my first script, Smithee gave me a set of very specific mandates:
I pressed Smithee for details on what type of character development I should be doing, and he answered, "Char'cter-what now?" I explained the concept of fleshing out a show's characters to make them feel more real, and he responded, "Yeah, sure, kid, do wh'ever ya want."
"Okay," I agreed. "And maybe we should create a central antagonist for Amy, someone who could return every few episodes with a new nefarious scheme."
"Oh yeah, 'n' mebbe onea them things... starts with a 'P'..."
"Plot?" I asked.
"Yeah, thassit!" replied Smithee enthusiastically. "Speakin' o' pot, y'got any on ya?"
From this brief session, the seeds of "Corona, Corona" took root. The villain Corona Coronada was created, her backstory developed, the overall direction of the series honed and sculpted. In a few weeks' time, I met with Smithee again, presenting him with the final polished draft, and proceeded to explain to him how this individual episode would serve to set the tone and contextual framework for the series.
To which Smithee replied, "Shuddup, 'n' gemme s'more beer!"
Ah well. One small step closer to that Pulitzer.
Okay, now for the...
Yes, you read right. The author of the first follow-up episode to Abruptly Amy: A New Beginning is none other than C.E. Forman!
By the time I'd read Kara's original work, I was on more-or-less permanent hiatus from Daria fan-fiction, but I loved the script and immediately saw how it could make it as a series. I was happy to collaborate on a pair of episodes.
Kara and I discussed some general outlines for the direction of the series, and I decided having a recurring villain was a good idea. I wanted someone who would be superior to Amy (audiences love to root for the underdog, even if she is an oversexed, over-emotional, and practically bipolar basket-case). The idea for Corona was to have a villain who was campy, but whom you had to take a little bit seriously at times. As she turned out, she's one of my favorite villains I've ever created... It's a bit of a shame to waste her on Abruptly Amy, but she fits it well.
The plot, the remainder of which will be revealed in future episodes, came from an attempt to mimic the successful "mythology" approach of The X-Files... revealing a little bit at a time while dragging it out and making it as convoluted as possible. I reread the original AA several times to be sure I got all the details right. (I'm a perfectionist even when I write intentionally bad scripts.)
Beyond that I simply tried to imitate Kara's wacky style, and employ the same conventions she'd used in her work: Amy talking to the camera, Amy smart one minute but stupid the next, Andrea's unprecedentedly bad attitude, gratuitous cameos by the Daria cast, Amy doing action-hero stunts, etc.
I also made an effort to employ every action / detective movie clichˇ I would think of:
(D'I miss any?)
C.E. Forman "artistic" touches and other miscellaneous crap you may have easily overlooked amid all the nonsense going on:
"Corona, Corona": The title is a play on "Corrina, Corrina" (feel-good family mush movie starring Whoopi Goldberg).
My famous "bookends" storytelling technique: Two similar scenes at the start and end of the fic, like a pair of bookends.
Andrea raising her fists triumphantly after being suspended, and her cry of "Yes!", is lifted from her reaction to winning the DeMartino pool in "The Big House".
Corona's tattoo webwork gets expanded to cover more of her body, indicating her increasing rank in the Society.
Corona's line, "Is Amy truly your savior? Or perhaps... merely a chimerrrra?" is a pretty sly reference to Kara Wild's "Amy: Savior or Chimera?" essay. It's also my personal favorite line.
Notice the many appearances of the number 18 in this script: Young Amy is 18 in the first scene, Daria has her 18th birthday, Corona *looks* 18, Andrea says she's the same age, there are 18 scenes, 18 distinct characters with speaking parts, I did 18 fics before this one (16 solo, 2 joint)... (No real point to this, just something I threw in.)
If you enjoyed this one, you'll like my next one as well. (It's #7, but keep tuning in and keeping up with the new developments in Abruptly Amy... we need the ratings bad!)