The following is a copy of the script for "A New Beginning." The text has remained unchanged, but because this is an unofficial copy, I have formatted it as I would one of my own scripts. -- Kara Wild
SCENE 1 (Amy's place, nighttime)
(Shot of the outside. It's a luxurious townhouse nestled in a tony neighborhood in the Big City. Cut to inside shot of Amy Barksdale's living room. There, we see Amy standing in the center of the room, talking on her cordless phone to her niece, Daria. Amy is an attractive thirty year-old with the body of an eighteen year-old, but carries herself in a way that suggests she does not know how attractive she is, which makes her infinitely more attractive. Her thick, luxurious dark hair cascades down her shoulders, vibrating with every word that flows from her full lips.)
AMY: Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm... (She tips her head back andlaughs with abandon.) That is so funny, Daria! Now you get those contact lenses... you'll see the brimstone better. (Pause) Okay... okay... (Pause) And just remember: sarcasm is a great way to deal. Bye.
(She hangs up the phone, a look of satisfaction filling her sparkling eyes. Turns to look at the camera.)
AMY: It feels so good to give advice. Now it's time to settle down with a good book... (She starts to head back toward the couch. Suddenly the phone rings. Amy frowns, her supple white skin creasing gently, and lays it against her ear.) Hello?
(Pause)
VOICE: (gruff) Barksdale? It's H.Q. I have an urgent mission for you to complete.
AMY: (at once no-nonsense) Spill it, Chief.
(Split screen, with Amy on the left. On the right, the viewer sees a middle-aged man with a sagging gut who looks like he could use a shave. He is Mike Fowler, head of the local branch of F.B.I. and Amy's boss. Although he is not a police chief, she has given him the delightful nickname, "Chief.")
FOWLER: Scruffy Joe and his gang of mobsters have taken over the subway again. They're threatening to unleash a deadly plague on the poor innocent riders unless they receive ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills from the mayor.
AMY: Ten thousand? Surely the mayor can afford to pay such a modest sum.
FOWLER: (scathing) If he weren't embroiled in his fat-cat schemes, filled with greed and corruption. Ten thousand is what he owes in gambling debts. Well now he's gambling away the lives of innocent people. (His last words are scarcely audible, as he is suddenly overcome with emotion.)
AMY: (also scathing) It's guys like him that are making this world go to hell -- if we're not already there.
FOWLER: I want you to stamp out Scruffy Joe's scheme, Barksdale. High-tail it to the nearest subway and find out how to get on the J-line. It's stopped between Living and Dangerously streets. (Bt) And be careful, Barksdale: you're like a kid sister to me.
AMY: (touched) Awww, thanks, Chief. (Bt) So does that mean I can rat on you to Mom and Dad the next time you stay out late with a girl?
FOWLER: Barksdale, your unique blend of high energy and sarcastic wit makes you the most valuable member of our force. And all I can do is wish you good luck. (Bt) Amy.
AMY: (determinded) I'll get right on it, Chief.
(She hangs up the phone and, with a graceful flicker of her wrist, flings it onto the couch. Sighing, she picks up her purse.)
AMY: I knew I shouldn't've chosen a job that made me work weekends.
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (outside, a short time later)
(Shot of Amy's convertible in the foreground -- a high-powered, red little beauty that's been to Hell and back far too many times. Suddenly Amy bursts through the door of her house, and with the flowing movement of a cheetah, races down the steps toward her car. She leaps into the driver's seat without even pausing to open a door, and caresses the trusty vinyl of her steering wheel.)
AMY: Well Red, looks like it's gonna be another rough night.
(She guns the engine, and with a screech and a roar, her car takes off, with Amy's vibrant hair sailing in the wind.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (subway, near Living and Dangerously)
(Shot of the exterior. The viewer sees a large sign in the foreground which reads SUBWAY. Amy walks onscreen and looks at the sign, a frown marring her lovely features. She shrugs, then proceeds to walk toward the dank stairwell.)
(Cut to interior shot. The subway is dimly-lit cavern, through which runs an air of forboding. On the deadened tracks sits the ill-fated J-line train. Its windows are illuminated, and now and then one can hear muffled screams. Cut to shot of Amy, taking in this scene. She frowns once again, seeing that the train doors are sealed shut. She'll have to think of another way to get in and stop Scruffy Joe. Suddenly Amy's face brightens. Cut to close-up shot of the train from her POV: along the top runs a glass skylight.)
(Cut to shot of Amy. She looks upward at a large drainage pipe that runs along the roof of the subway. Then, with the grace of a gymnast, she leaps up and grabs the pipe, then skillfully swings herself upward so that she's lying on top of it. Slowly, Amy pulls herself into a crouching position. She carefully stands up and procedes to perform a frightening balancing act as she walks along the top of the pipe. Cut to overhead shot. Amy towers dizzyingly above the hijacked train , every one of her steps threatening to go astray and send her to her death.)
(Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a mouse appears. It takes Amy so completely by surprise, she flinches backward, and starts swaying uncontrollably. In the process, she accidently kicks the mouse off the pipe. Cut to shot of the pipe from ground level, near the train. From high above, the mouse sails downward and splatters on the ground in a million bloody pieces.)
(Cut to shot of Amy, who is nearly ready to join him. Her hands sweep around in a desperate and vain attempt to find something to hold on to. But just as Amy starts to fall, one hand locates a thin cable hanging from the ceiling. Amy clutches it like Tarzan a vine, and prays that it will stop her fall. She's only ten feet from meeting her death when the cable finally stiffens and snaps her back upward. Cut to overhead shot of Amy. She dangles above the train, her beautiful hair windswept from the fall, her cheeks radiant with youthful excitement. Amy looks thoughtfully at the train's skylight. She begins swinging herself in its direction.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (inside the train)
(Shot of the passengers, stiff, scared, and pressed up against the pea-green plastic seats. Standing in the middle of the train car, pointing a black machine gun at them, is Scruffy Joe. Scruffy Joe earned the nickname with his flowing, unkept black hair, his bearded face, and his rumpled dark clothes. He is tall, svelt, and dangerous-looking. His eyes give off one message: kill. Meanwhile, his thugs patrol the rest of the train. There is no way out.)
SCRUFFY: My thugs patrol the rest of this train, see?? There is no way out.
PASSENGERS: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
SCRUFFY: (evil laughter) Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa!!! The mayor will have to fold, and then the city will be mine!!! Ha-ha-HAAAAAA!!!
(Cut to shot of two of Scruffy Joe's goons patrolling another car. Suddenly, from offscreen, there is a loud cracking sound, and the viewer sees Amy fall down on top of one of them. Glass from the skylight spills everywhere. For a few seconds, Amy lies on top of the goon, stunned; but once she sees that his companion is about to reach out and grab her, she springs to life. She shoves her leg into his belly and sends him flying backward against the side of the train. Then, while he struggles to get up, Amy springs into an upright position and leans forward with cobra-like readiness. The goon growls with rage, then lunges toward toward her.)
AMY: Hye-YAAA!!
(Amy delivers an expert karate chop to the goon's shoulder, and he is at once unconscious and on the ground. She gazes down at him, satisfied, and starts brushing the glass out of her hair.)
AMY: Damn -- I think I broke a nail.
(Pause. Amy continues to check the damage to her hair and nails, unaware that the other goon has regained consciousness and, in the background, is slowly getting up. Just then, he reaches forward and grabs Amy in a chokehold. For a minute, Amy is too stunned to do anything. But then, she kicks him sharply in the shin. He stumbles backward in agony, his grip on Amy loosening. Amy pulls away and does a two-handed karate chop to his shoulder. The goon comes dangerously close to falling down, but then regains his balance and lunges at Amy again. He shoves her against the wall of the car and threatens to grab hold of her once more.)
GOON: Ooh, looky: here we is -- a guy, a girl. Alone. What say we get around to makin' some fine music? Grrrrrrrrrrrrr....
AMY: In your dreams, asshole!
(She grabs hold of his hands and, with a powerful thrust, shoves him backwards against the other side of the train. The goon bounces off the wall, back in Amy's direction. She delivers one, final karate kick, and he falls down onto the ground, unconscious like his companion. Amy sighs heavily and wipes her forehead.)
AMY: Dammit, that's two nails. Time for a trip to ye old salon. (Bt) Oh yeah, that's right: I have people to save.
(Beat)
SCRUFFY: (offscreen, dangerously low) So... Barksdale. We meet again.
AMY: (cocking a brow) What happened to just plain old "Amy"?
(Cut to shot of Scruffy Joe with the passengers. Amy walks into the car and stands a cautious distance apart from the unscrupulous villain.)
SCRUFFY: Those days are over. You never returned my calls!
AMY: That's because all you wanted from me was sex, sex, sex. I mean sure it was great, but what about the relationship?? (Bt. to the camera.) Joe and I had a thing going a while back, when he was just a petty thug, and I was trying to set him straight.
SCRUFFY: Urrrrrrg! Just for bringing that up, I'm gonna get even with you right now!! (Bt) Forget the mayor! This whole car will be dead in a matter of seconds -- including YOU!!!
AMY: And you.
(Beat)
SCRUFFY: Urrrrrrrrg!!!
(He points the machine gun at her, then turns quickly and grabs a lone woman huddled in one of the seats. He presses the gun against her temple. Amy and the other passengers gasp.)
SCRUFFY: This gun is loaded with vials of the ebola virus!! Sure, we'll all die -- but this woman will die first! Ha-ha-haaaaaaa!!
AMY: Not if I can help it! I'm not a secret F.B.I. agent with a Ph.D in bioengineering for nothing.
(She leaps forward and karate kicks Joe. He falls backward and shoots way off his target, sending a vial of the ebola virus crashing against the ceiling.)
PASSENGERS: AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(Amy reaches into her purse and pulls out an antedote. But before she can release it, Scruffy Joe does a karate kick of his own and sends Amy to the ground. The vial falls from her hand and rolls away. Scruffy Joe runs after it, prepared to crush it with his heel.)
AMY: Joe, don't! We'll all die!!
PASSENGERS: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Amy then looks over at the shattered remnants of the ebola vial, a thoughtful frown on her face.)
AMY: Wait a minute... my expert analytical skills tell me that this isn't ebola... it's canine influenza. (to the camera.) To the amateur's eye, they look the same, but we scientists know better. (Bt. to the passengers.) So unless one of you has a dog, none of us will be effected.
PASSENGERS: HOORAAAAAAAY!
(Scruffy Joe returns from the adjoining car, having just crushed the antedote vial. He smirks evilly and pulls out a cigarete and a match.)
SCRUFFY: So now, we're as good as dead! (Bt) And I don't care how stupid I am for creating a situation which will result in my own demise, Amy! You always undervalue my judgment!
AMY: Now Joe, if you would only think before you act --
SCRUFFY: SHUT UP!!! (He lights his cigarette, then tosses the match backward, into the adjoining car.) You never --
AMY: (eyes widening) NO!!!
(An explosion follows, one that shakes the car. Through a thick veil of smoke, the viewer watches all of the passengers tumble from one end of the car to other. Scruffy Joe rolls on top of Amy.)
AMY: (cough, cough) Smoking is really bad for you, Joe!! I watched my own father die from emphysema, and I won't stand by while it happens to another person! (Bt) Oh, and the chemicals in a lit match, combined with the ones in my antedote vial, create an explosion.
(A man grabs his head.)
MAN: Oh my GOD! We're all gonna DIE!!!
PASSENGERS: AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
SCRUFFY: (satisfied) And I'll have gotten my revenge!
AMY: Not if I can help it! (Bt) Everyone, grab hold of each other. (She takes a man's hand.) I'm going to lead you back to where I first burst through. We can climb out through the ceiling. Try to keep your mouths covered! Walk so you're close to the ground!
(She starts heading in the direction from which she came -- the direction not blocked by flames. But then, Scruffy Joe grabs her and lifts her off the ground.)
SCRUFFY: You're not (cough) going anywhere!
AMY: (cough) Don't be stupid, Joe! (cough, cough) Everyone, (cough) keep going!
(The passengers continue to move along. Amy struggles against Scruffy Joe. He pushes her towards him and gives her a long, deep kiss. For one moment, Amy relaxes and gives in to his charismatic power. But then she regains her senses and continues to struggle until she's free of him. Before he can grab her again, she runs away.)
(Cut to shot of the passengers huddled under the hole in the ceiling. The air is fresher there. From up above, the cord Amy used earlier is dangling. Amy rushes over and directs one of the tallest people to stand there while another climbs up his shoulders to safety.)
AMY: (calling to the man above) Now lower the rope! (cough, cough, cough)
(The rope is lowered, and one by one, people start to climb up it. Amy's about to lift a child when Scruffy Joe reaches over and grabs the girl away.)
GIRL: Mommy! MOOOOOMMY!!!!
MOTHER: MY BAAAAABY!!!
AMY: Joe, you truly are evil!!
SCRUFFY: Ha-ha-ha-ha-HAAAAA! (cough)
AMY: (to the mother) Keep moving! I'll take care of him.
(Suddenly the car which they had previously been in completely explodes, clouding them with smoke and cinders.)
AMY: QUICKLY!! (cough, cough) We don't have much time!! (cough)
(She tries to grab the girl from Scruffy Joe, but he holds her tight and threatens to toss her into the flames of the other car. Just then the little girl bites his hand, causing him to scream and let go. The girl runs toward Amy; Amy tosses her upward, through the hole in the ceiling, to safety.)
SCRUFFY: Urrrrrrrrrrrg!!! Well at least I still have you!! (Bt) Hye-YAAAAA!
(He tries to karate-chop Amy, but she ducks out of the way in time, then jumps upward to grab the rope. Scruffy lunges toward her and grabs her legs. Amy tries with all her might to hold on to the rope, but the pressure from her earlier use of it, and from the weight of so many other people, is too much. It snaps, sending Amy crashing to the ground.)
(Amy lies there, stunned. Just then, the two goons whom she'd rendered unconscious earlier start to regain consciousness. They quickly realize what has happened.)
GOONS: Grrrrrrrr! Barksdale's finally ours!
SCRUFFY: Let's get 'er, boys!
(The goons and Scruffy Joe hover over Amy, threatening bodily harm. But Amy regains her senses and rolls out of the way just in time. She springs upward and looks desperately at the hole in the ceiling. Scruffy Joe and his ruffians completely block her access. Amy has no choice but to turn in the direction of the cars that are not in flames and run for dear life.)
(Cut to shot of the train as seen from the outside. The viewer watches through the windows as Amy dashes from car to car, with Scruffy Joe and his men in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, the flames from the car explosion are quickly spreading through the rest of the cars, mere seconds after Amy and company have left them. It looks as though Amy, Scruffy Joe, and the thugs will get trapped with the flames if they do not find an escape route.)
(Cut to shot of the front of the train. Amy rushes in, her beautiful face flushed from activity, and her eyes as fiery as the fire which is obliterating the train cars. She frantically looks around for a control button that might open a door hatch. Cut to close-up of the control panels from her POV. Then pan over to show Scruffy Joe and his fiends running toward her. Pan over to show the controls. Cut to close-up of a steering wheel right in the center. Cut to wide shot. Amy grabs the steering wheel with both hands and, with all her might, begins to turn it. As she does so, the viewer hears the sound of screeching metal, as if something is coming apart. Amy continues to turn the steering wheel, then casts a desperate glance over her shoulder. Cut to shot of Scruffy Joe and his cohorts from her POV: they are very close now.)
SCRUFFY: You're alllllll mine!
(Cut to close-up of Amy, her face glistening as she struggles to turn the steering wheel. Cut to shot of Scruffy Joe. He laughs wickedly, then prepares to lunge at her. But before he can, there is a final, defeaning screeching sound, and the viewer sees Scruffy Joe and his rogues get farther and farther away. Cut to shot of the outside: Amy has separated her car from the rest, and is now coasting, brakeless, down the tracks. Cut to shot of Scruffy Joe. He and his men leap onto the tracks and watch with horror. Just then, what's left of the train explodes, sending flames and smoke everywhere. Against this dramatic backdrop, Scruffy Joe falls to his knees and shakes his fists in the air.)
SCRUFFY: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'll get you, Amy Barksdale!!!!!
(Cut to shot of Amy in the coasting car. Her relief at having escaped Scruffy Joe immediately turns to horror as she realizes that she's speeding out of control. Cut to her POV. Through the front window, the viewer sees that there's a bend in the tracks which Amy must navigate. The car is rapidly approaching. Cut to shot of Amy. She glances through the opening of her car, hoping for an escape. But things don't look good for the amazing Amy Barksdale. She is riding too fast: if she tries to jump, she risks breaking her neck. Yet if she cannot navigate the bend, she risks hitting a wall, the impact of which could hurl her from the car anyway. What will she do????)
END OF ACT ONE
--COMMERCIALS--
SCENE 1 (the speeding car)
(Shot of the car from the outside. Cut to shot of the ever-approaching bend. Cut to shot of Amy. She looks down, then spies a rope which she had not noticed before. Quickly she takes the rope and ties it to a bar. Then, with her expert cow-roping skills, she forms a lasso and swings the rope upward. It snares one of those metal signs that alerts passengers of their destination. Amy then turns her attention toward the bend. She tries desperately to figure out how to steer the train, pulling levers and pressing buttons at random. Just as she's reaching the bend, she discovers the lever that allows her to steer, and yanks with all her might. The car starts to turn, while at the same time, the rope tightens, slowing it down.)
(But before the car can slow down enough, the sign which has been acting as its anchor snaps. The force causes the car to start wobbling on its tracks. Cut to shot of Amy, trying to hold the car steady, but to no avail. Cut to shot of the outside. The car flops over on its side and skids for a long time, until it finally stops. Then... silence.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (on the outside)
(Shot of the passengers, now standing above ground, wondering where their brave heroine has gone.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (back at the car)
(Close-up shot of a mouse. It scurries about on the ground, pausing to sniff every so often. Suddenly, we see something large settle down beside it. Pan upward to show that it's a shoe. Pan further upward to show that it is Amy's shoe. Cut to wide shot. The viewer sees that Amy is slightly shaken, with dirt coating her sensuous form and a cut on one of her temples which is bleeding. She silently walks away from the site of the crash.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (on the outside)
(Shot of the passengers. They've been looking around for signs of Amy, when suddenly they all turn and look in the same direction.)
WOMAN: There she is!!!
(Cut to shot of Amy approaching them. She is still silent, and there is a grim expression on her face. She walks slowly and somewhat unsteadily. Cut to close-up of the passengers, eyeing her with concern. Cut to close-up of Amy. A small, weak smirk spreads across her face.)
AMY: Sarcasm -- it's a great way to deal.
PASSENGERS: YEEEEAHHHHHH!!!
(Cut to wide shot. The little girl Amy helped earlier comes up to her and gives her a hug.)
GIRL: (lisping) Thankoo Mith Barthdale.
PASSENGERS: (chanting) A-mee, A-mee, A-mee, A-mee, A-mee...
(Cut to overhead shot of the group. Amy gives a little bow.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 5 (sometime later)
(Shot of Amy driving home in her convertble.)
AMY: (to the camera) Geez -- now on top of the manicurist, I'll have to make an appointment with my hair stylist and message therapist. And have these clothes dry-cleaned. Or maybe I should just go on another shopping spree. I could use a new wardrobe...
(Amy slows her car down as she approaches her house. Or, at least, what was her house. That which was a house only a couple hours before is now a smouldering heap, surrounded by police cars and fire engines. Amy gazes at the ruins, her mouth agape.)
AMY: Dammit! I just bought new drapes for the living room!
(As she's stopping her car on the opposite side of the street, the viewer sees Mike Fowler walking toward her.)
FOWLER: Barksdale! Thank God you're alive!
AMY: Just barely. (She opens the door, climbs out of the car.) But look at my house, Chief! How could Scruffy Joe and his men have blown it up so quickly??
FOWLER: Actually, the police report said that the furnace exploded.
AMY: Oh.
FOWLER: (grim) But it could've been Scruffy Joe. He'll be plotting his revenge now that you've thwarted his schemes of conquest.
AMY: Great.
FOWLER: You may have to hide out for a while, Barksdale. Until me and the other agents can track him down.
AMY: (incredulous) Hide out?? But my whole life is here, Chief! Where will I go??
FOWLER: (placing a hand on Amy's shoulder) Wherever your heart may lead you.
(Pause. Then Amy's face brightens.)
AMY: I know! I'll go back to Rutherford -- the town where I grew up!
FOWLER: That's perfect Barksdale! Joe and his men will never look for you there.
AMY: I'll leave as soon as I can. (Pause. with faint regret.) Too bad we have to say good-bye. I'll miss you, Chief.
FOWLER: As will I, Barksdale. (Bt) But before you go, could you do me a favor?
AMY: What?
(Beat)
FOWLER: Make love to me one last time.
(With that, he grasps Amy with both hands and crushes her to him. They begin to make out passionately. Fade-out. Fade-in to a silhouetted shot of them lying in a hotel room bed, still making out passionately.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 6 (early the next morning)
(Shot of Amy lying in bed with Fowler's bare arms around her. Her long, glorious hair is strewn across the pillow. She turns over and slowly opens her eyes. Her gaze trails toward Fowler, where it lingers for several seconds. Then, gently, Amy removes his arms from her nude body and slips out of bed to get her things.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (late morning, on the road)
(Shot of Amy driving her convertible along the freeway as the instrumental portion of the theme song plays, her hair soaring in the wind.)
AMY: (looking at the camera) It's funny, but being a famous crime-fighting scientist in the glamorous Big City has left me feeling empty. It'll be nice to go back home -- to a small town where tradition and wholesome family values flourish.
(The words to the theme song kick in as the camera zooms out to show a wide shot of the freeway. On the right side of the screen, in the foreground, the American flag billows in the wind. After several seconds, it morphs into the sign: WELCOME TO RUTHERFORD.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 8 (Rutherford, evening)
(Pan across a mainstreet painted with ripe golden sunlight. Leafy trees and quaint old buildings line either side of the street. The viewer sees young couples walking along the sidewalk, holding hands. Old men sitting on benches in front of the hardware store and discuss local sports teams. Young children sitting at a soda counter in the drug store, slurping large chocolate malts. Women admiring shoes in a shop window. Men, young and old, getting a haircut and a shave at the barber's shop. The viewer then sees Amy's car drive past this harmonious scene, eyeing the buildings. Her car slows down as she nears one with a sign that reads BARKSDALE BAKE SALE. Then she speeds up and drives past it.)
(Cut to shot of a tree-lined neighborhood with quiet houses and large, grassy front lawns. Children play frisbee with their dogs, or baseball in the street. Some have set up a lemonade stand at one corner. Couples rock on porch swings, talking and laughing. Husbands prune hedges and wives water flower beds. Amy drives past all this, and as she does so, everyone gives a cheerful wave.)
KIDS: Hi!
COUPLES: Welcome to the neighborhood!
(Amy waves back, and pulls into the driveway of a cream-colored split-level house with white trim. Out front stands a peach tree, and some ripened peaches have fallen onto the ground. Amy climbs out and surveys the front yard.)
AMY: What happened to the white picket fence? (Bt) Oh well... (She shrugs and walks toward the front door.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 9 (inside, a short time later)
(Shot of Amy entering the hallway. The viewer can see that the hallway and living room are pleasantly middle-class. The flower-printed couches in the living room bear several embroidered pillows, and picture frames with the images of landscapes and dogs grace the wall.)
AMY: (calling) Mother? Rita? (Bt) It doesn't seem like anyone's at home. I guess they went to the bakery -- (Suddenly muffled sounds are heard offscreen. Amy frowns and walks toward them.)
(Cut to shot of the kitchen door as seen from the inside. The sounds are louder: they seem to be of smothered laughter and kissing. Amy opens the door and gasps at what she sees offscreen.)
AMY: Rita!
(Cut to wide shot. The person to whom Amy is speaking has been heavy making-out on the kitchen table with a man obviously several years her junior. They now pull apart hastily, Rita struggling to button her blouse while the young man does up his pants. Amy looks at them both with an outraged expression.)
AMY: I might have known.
RITA: Amy. (eyes narrow.) What are you doing here??
(Rita Barksdale is Amy's twenty-eight year old sister. Blonde-haired and slender, she has natural good looks that suggest she could have been a model. But faint lines on her face reveal that life has been difficult for her, and the hard glimmer in her eyes shows that she is not overflowing with love for her sister.)
AMY: What do you mean what am I doing here?? Shouldn't you be working at the bakery right now?
RITA: (standing up, indignant) We are working! Stevie's been kneading my buns.
(She points offscreen. Pan over to show a large bowl of raw dough, and a tray of small buns beside it. Resume shot of Amy, Rita, and Stevie.)
AMY: Ooh, I'll say he has -- along with the other parts of your body.
RITA: How dare you!
AMY: Tell the truth? (She looks offscreen, her eyes narrowing.) And all the while you were drunk as a skunk, I see.
(Cut to close-up of the baking area from Amy's POV. There is an open, half-consumed bottle of scotch sitting on the stove. Resume wide shot.)
RITA: It's part of the recipe!
AMY: (shaking her head) Some things never change. You jump into bed with every man you meet, and you still haven't sought help for your tendencies toward alcohol abuse. (Bt) You may think you're only hurting yourself, Rita, but in fact, you're dragging the rest of the family down with you. Please: break the cycle of dependency before it's too late.
(Rita stares at Amy, dumbfounded, for a few seconds. Then she growls with rage and lunges at her sister. Amy catches her in a bear hug before she can cause her any harm, and they shove each other back and forth.)
AMY: (grunting) Is this... any way... to treat your big sis?
(They continue to scuffle, while Stevie watches with unconcealed enjoyment. Just then, the viewer hears the sound of a screen door swinging open from offscreen.)
VOICE: (offscreen, indignant) What is going on in here?!
(Amy pries Rita off of her, and they stand side-by-side as an elderly woman walks onscreen. She is Rita and Amy's mother, Ruth Barksdale: a seventy year old with an air of youthful vitality and no-nonsense. A widow of many years, she more than knows how to take care of herself. She now gazes at her daughters with exasperation, seeming hardly at all surprised by Amy's presence. Amy and Rita exchange sheepish, resentful looks.)
RUTH: Can't I ever leave you two alone without you breaking into a fight?? And why didn't you call us before coming down to visit, Amy?
AMY: I'm not here to visit, Mom. I'm moving to Rutherford for an indefinite length of time, until a vicious gang of mobsters led by a man named Scruffy Joe can be thwarted in its quest to have me brutally murdered.
RITA: Oh great. (rolls her eyes.) You mean you're gonna stay??
RUTH: Well if you do, then you can pitch in at the bakery. We need all the help we can to keep our business afloat. Especially now, what with the bakery's oven broken, forcing Rita, our errand boy, and I to do the baking at home.
AMY: (mild exasperation) But I don't know how to bake! Not even with store-bought cookie dough.
RUTH: Well maybe if you had learned when you were supposed to --
RITA: (whiny) She can't stay here with us! She'll ruin everything for me. (turns to Amy accusingly.) For years and years, I had to live with a shadow on my reptuation -- my big sister, the freak. You were always embarrassing me! And now that I finally have my own life, you threaten to bring the shadow back!
AMY: (sardonic) You sure I'm the one carrying the shadow??
RITA: MOTHER!!!
RUTH: (rolling her eyes) Would you two girls knock it off?? You'll be spending a lot of time together, so you'd better learn to behave yourselves....
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 10 (Barksdale residence, late evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Amy sitting in an easy chair in front of a roaring fire. Rita sits across from her on the sofa, still looking resentful. Just then, Ruth comes in with a tray bearing three steaming mugs of hot chocolate. She lays them down on the coffee table and takes a seat beside Rita. Amy helps herself to a mug, but before she can take a sip, she is overcome by a yawn.)
AMY: I can't believe we have to get up at five a.m. to do the baking.
RITA: (sour) Well something has to be there for the customers when the shop opens at eight.
RUTH: We bake all day. You would know if you had stayed here to do your duty.
AMY: (rolling her eyes) Oh Mom, let's not start this again.
RUTH: Well I can't help it -- I'm still disappointed in you. Here your father and I put our life's blood into the bakery, and all we asked was that our eldest daughter take it over for us when we reached retirement age. (Bt) Then, after Helen went off and became a successful lawyer in the big city of Lawndale, all we asked was that our second eldest daughter take it over for us! You failed us, Amy.
AMY: (annoyed) I'm sorry -- but when you needed me, I was a different person at the time.
RITA: Yeah -- a few pounds heavier and with a big schnozz.
AMY: (to their mother, while glaring at Rita) I just had to get out on my own. This town was stifling me. I wanted to do more than spend my life as "Helen Barksdale's younger sister."
RUTH: Well then what made you return? Surely it couldn't just have been that you're fleeing for your life from a gang of bloodthirsty mobsters and you had nowhere else to go.
AMY: (rolling her eyes again) Okay, okay... that was just an excuse. (Bt) Truth be known, the big city just didn't suit me that well. Sure the fame and excitement and wealth were great, but not as great as the sound of crickets chirping on a warm July eve. Of good friends talking on the front porch over a cool glass of lemonade. Of grandfathers helping their grandchildren take their first wobbly swing with a baseball bat. Of leaving your doors unlocked at night, or of asking a kindly neighbor if she needs an extra egg for that family marble cake recipe. (lowers her eyes.) I guess I'm just looking for a place where I belong -- so I came home.
(Pause. Then the music swells, and Ruth and Rita's demeanors change from hard to warm and empathetic. Ruth's eyes fill with tears that threaten to spill over, as do Amy's. The camera zooms out to show all three woman sipping their hot chocolate before the fire.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 11 (Barksdale residence, the next morning)
(Shot of the outside.)
FOWLER: (offscreen VO) Barksdale, it's Chief. How are you holding out??
(Cut to shot of Amy sitting at the kitchen table, dressed in her sweats with her hair slightly rumpled -- none of which detracts from her sensuous beauty. She's holding a cell phone to her ear. Mike Fowler is on the other end.)
AMY: I'm absolutely exhausted, Chief! (Bt) I slept in so late this morning, I feel like I need even more rest. Plus, there's something I was supposed to do that I've forgotten -- but I know it'll hit me eventually.
FOWLER: You may have to hole up there for a while, Amy. Scruffy Joe and his gang have completely dropped off our radar. If you come back and we don't know where he is, there's no telling what could happen to you.
AMY: Understood, Chief. (Bt) I'll try to get by as best I can...
(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of the front porch, a short time later. The door opens, and Amy stumble-walks outside to pick up the paper, which is lying next to the porch step. As she reaches down to get it, something from offscreen catches her eye. Amy turns her head to look, and the camera pans over to reveal that the man next door is doing the same thing. Only, he's more than just a man -- he's the epitome of men. Dark-complected and sexy, he is obviously of Latino decent, perhaps Cuban. Upon his head lie acres of black, wavy hair; his tight, short-sleeved shirt is partially unbuttoned, revealing well-sculpted muscles in his chest and forearms. Nearly as tight is his dark pants, which accentuate his firm rear end and various other attributes.)
(Cut to wide shot. The man picks up the paper and gives Amy a flashing white smile. Drawn by his charismatic charm, Amy finds herself smiling back, and cocking an aroused eyebrow. Before words can be exchanged, the man retreats back inside his house. Amy takes several deep breaths to cool herself off.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 12 (Barksdale Bake Sale, later that morning)
(Shot of the outside: a charming, old-fashioned façade with several large-pained windows revealing decadent cakes and gingerbread cookies. Cut to shot of the inside. Amy and Rita are standing at the counter. Rita fiddles with the cash register, while Amy stands there in a white "Kiss the Baker" apron, looking bored. Aside from a couple of customers milling around, there is no one else in the bakery.)
AMY: (loud whisper) God, this place is dead. Is it always like this?
RITA: (annoyed) It never used to be. But times are hard, now.
AMY: Since when do hard times curb the desire for quality baked goods?
RITA: (bitter) Since Big Harv's Superstore opened up a few months ago. It has everything -- a person could get lost shopping for groceries in there. And who wants to buy food at individual shops when you can get everything rolled into one convenient trip?
AMY: (shocked) But don't people realize that by shopping at Big Harv's, they're taking part in the depersonalization of the American small town? The wiping away of charming individualism in favor of corporate soullessness? Can a brownie born of plastic wrap really compare to a Barksdale brownie, created with love and expert craftsmanship? Can the words "paper or plastic?" ever match the warm smile of a shopkeeper who's known you your entire life?
RITA: Whatever. If this place goes out of business, I don't care.
AMY: (surprised) Why not? (Bt) If you don't like the bakery, why are you still here?? Why didn't you go off to Europe and become a world-renowned model like you were supposed to?
RITA: BECAUSE!!! (Pause. The two customers look at Rita funny for a few seconds before returning to their looking around. Since they are regulars, they are used to Rita's fluctuating moods and thus are not frightened by her behavior. Even so, Rita lowers her voice.) Someone had to stay behind and take care of Mother. Unlike you and Helen, I understand the meaning of responsibility. And since Dad died, this bakery has meant more to Mother than anything. (Bt. voice quavers.) Even more than meeeeeeeee!
(Beat)
AMY: (consoling, patting her arm) There, there, Rita: I see it all clearly now. Bitter over your thwarted aspirations, you sought comfort in the liquor bottle, which dulled your senses and faded your beauty, making you the curdled soul you are today. (Bt) Well you have to face up to the demons of your lifestyle, Rita! Destroy the evil before it destroys you! Make yourself whole once more!
RITA: ARRRRRRGHHHHH!!!
(She picks up a nearby half-empty beer bottle and hurls it at Amy. Amy ducks right before it reaches her, causing it to hit the wall and shatter into a million pieces. The customers in the shop, when they see this, immediately leave out the front door. After several seconds, Amy rises slowly.)
AMY: Well you don't have to get nasty about it.
(Rita's about to respond, when offscreen, the sound of clanging bells that indicates that the door is being reopened. Amy and Rita immediately forget what they're doing. They gaze at the incoming visitor with stunned, aroused expressions. Just then, the viewer sees the attractive Latino man who was next door to the Barksdale residence walk up to the counter.)
MAN: (low, mellow voice with a thick Cuban accent) I'm here to fix the fire light on the oven.
RITA: Feel free to light my fire any time.
AMY: Rita! (Bt) Forgive her, sir, but the pursuit of sexual pleasure has been so ingrained in her mind, she sometimes forgets that she's too forthright. (glares at Rita as she says this.)
RITA: (resentful) Says who?? We've met before. (turns to the man, gets a girlish expression and flutters her eyelashes at him.) So Kristovo, when are you going to take me to Chateaux de Pierre, hmm?
AMY: Kristovo?
KRISTOVO: Yes. (reaches forward to shake Amy's hand.) Kristovo Martinez. I've lived next door to the Barksdale family for the past year. (Bt) I must say, Ms. Rita: I never knew you had such a wonderfully attractive sister. (He chuckles, then bursts out coughing.)
RITA: (glaring at Amy) Yes, well rhinoplasty and a little liposuction will do that for you.
AMY: Rita!
RITA: (to Kristovo) Did you think those curves just sprouted by themselves??
AMY: (seething) You swore you would never tell anyone outside the family about that!
RITA: (turning to her) Well I can't help it! I'm so tired of you snaring men with your synthetic beauty! Dammit, I'm naturally beautiful -- I should be getting all the admirers!
AMY: (soothing tone) Now Rita, don't let misplaced aggression speak for you.
RITA: What "misplaced aggression"?? I'm saying flat-out that things have always come way too easy for you, Amy Barksdale. Good grades, wealth, recognition, and beauty. Some day you'll find out that life isn't all fun and games!
AMY: (shaking her head) Oh Rita: it pains and saddens me to hear you speak this way.
KRISTOVO: So, Ms. Amy, would you be interested in going out on a date with me sometime?
AMY: Hmmm... I don't know. I don't usually move so fast with men I've just met.
KRISTOVO: (stunned) Huh??
AMY: (smirking) Just kidding. (Bt) Sarcasm -- it's a great way to deal.
(Kristovo gets her meaning, and he and Amy laugh with abandon.)
RITA: Hey! What about me?!
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 13 (Barksdale Bake Sale, that evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the inside -- the three Barksdale women are on the verge of closing up shop, having made very little money for the day. Just then, Ruth sees someone through the window and frowns darkly.)
RUTH: Dammit, he's back again.
AMY: Who is?
RITA: Big Harv.
RUTH: He's been trying to buy the Bake Sale, and every other business on this street ever since he came to town.
AMY: But why??
(Before Ruth can answer, a tall, obese man wearing a red and white chequered suit and sporting thick sideburns enters. He sweats profusely.)
HARV: Well howdy, Mrs. Barksdale, Miss Barksdale! (see Amy.) Heh-lohhh! What's yer name, you purty little flower?
AMY: (flatly) Esmerelda.
HARV: (tipping an invisible hat) Well hi there, Esmie! Ain't you sweet??
RUTH: (impatient) Mr. Clifford, whatever you're going to offer us, the answer is no. We've told you many times.
HARV: Awww, c' mon Ruthie, dear! One hundred grand, sugar: how can you say "no" to that? (flashes a crooked smile.)
RITA: (eyes widening) One hundred thousand dollars!
RUTH: Mr. Clifford, my husband began this business with some Betty Crocker(tm) cake mix and a dream. And that dream was to create the best damn bakery any town had ever seen. That bakery has since brought joy to countless souls. Its profits helped us raise a family and put two of our daughters through college, and I'm not going to abandon it!
HARV: So you say, m'am. (flashes a crooked smile.) But would ya refuse one hundred fifty thousand dollars??
RITA: One hundred fifty, Mother!
AMY: (suspicious) And just what would you want with a bakery, anyway? Plan to brush up on your fudge-making skills in between conference calls?
HARV: (big belly laugh) Hee-hee-hee! Aw shucks, Esmie, I'm a newcomer to this here town, and I just want a little piece o' it to call my own. This charmin' block oughta do nicely.
AMY: Ooh I'll bet. (Bt) And perhaps, while you're at it, you can knock every building down and put a supermall in its place that would be an extension of your evil corporate empire.
HARV: (eyes narrowing slightly) Well gosh, little lady, you sure make a lot of assumptions for someone who ain't been in this town long herself.
AMY: That's because I know what your sleezy type is like.
RUTH: Amy's right. You're just up to no good, Mr. Clifford, and there's no way we'll be a part of it.
HARV: (eyes narrowing further) Oh yeah?? (Bt) Y' know, I don't think I like your tone, Ruthie. You an' Esmie are both stubborner than a pack of mules. But you'll soon see things my way, I'm sure of it.
AMY: We'll just see what the mayor has to say about the encroachment of strip malls on American small town ambiance.
VOICE: (offscreen) Did someone say my name??
(Amy looks offscreen, and her jaw nearly drops to the floor. A silver-haired man in a handsome three-piece blue suit walks up to them. He returns Amy's gaze with, at first, a surprised one of his own. Then his surprise turns to smugness.)
AMY: Principal Danziger? My high school principal Danziger??
DANZIGER: (proudly) That's Mayor Danziger, now. In my third term.
RUTH: (frowning) The only reason you're still in office is because your wealthy cronies bought it for you.
DANZIGER: Ah, Mrs. Barksdale... always the charmer. (pats her cheek lightly as he says this.) Now just because I share my pal Big Harv's dream of making this town realize its potential, does that make me corrupt? ?
AMY: If the town's potential is to become a soulless hive of cream-colored plaster run by employee drones, then yes.
(Danziger smirks dangerously.)
DANZIGER: Well, well, never at a loss for words, are we Miss Barksdale? (looks her over.) I must say, if not for that sharp tongue, I wouldn't've recognized you. That work you had done has really improved your appearance.
AMY: (blushing) Oh... thanks.
DANZIGER: (eyes narrowing) But not your personality. (Bt) You're still the same whiny, smart-aleck know-nothing you were back in high school. But at least back in high school, there was hope you would change.
(Amy's face pales a little. She says nothing.)
DANZIGER: But now, you're kind of pathetic, aren't ya? I don't see any ring on your finger. Could it be because you've scared away Mr. Right one too many times??
AMY: (lips trembling) Y-you stop that, Danziger...
RUTH: (angry) Yes. Stop belittling my daughter!
DANZIGER: (phony innocence) Oh now, I'm just making her face up to reality. (to Amy.) Thanks to your cynical, sarcastic personality, my dear, you're gonna spend the rest of your life alone. Good and alone. (He smirks.)
(Ruth and Rita gaze at him, outraged. Amy's entire body has begun to tremble, and there are tears in her eyes.)
AMY: You're wrong, Danziger! You're WROOOOOOOOONG!!! (She starts sobbing and flees toward the back entrance.)
RUTH: Amy!
(Mayor Danziger and Big Harv laugh and slap palms.)
END OF ACT TWO
--COMMERCIALS--
SCENE 1 (alley behind the Barksdale Bake Sale)
(Shot of the back door of the Bake Sale. It suddenly flies open, and Amy bursts into the alley, her beautiful hair astray, her face streaked with tears. She runs sobbing through the alleyway, not realizing that with each step, she's moving farther from the street. The alley is dank, cold, and scarcely lit. It is fraught with corners, around any of which could lurk danger.)
(Amy continues to run along blindly until she hits a chain link fence. Then she collapses against it and sobs even harder, as if her whole world is collapsing. The camera zooms out to show that she is at a dead end, with long brick walls preventing her escape down any corridor. Suddenly, three long, black shadows creep up on the pavement.)
VOICE: Well, well, what have we here, boys?
(Amy lifts her head from her arms for a few seconds, long enough to get a glimpse of who spoke, before burying it again.)
AMY: G-g-g-g-go awaaaaaay! (sob, sniff) Leave me alooooooooone!
(The owners of the shadows -- three street toughs -- walk onscreen and surround her.)
GUY: (phony compassion) Awww, pooor widdle girl's lost her way. (evil smile.) What do you say we make her a woman??
GUY 2: (also wearing an evil smile) Sounds good to me.
GUY 3: Me, too! I mean three!
(They start to creep closer to Amy. Amy raises her face and gets a look of panic when she sees what they're up to. She turns and tries to climb the fence to safety, but slips after the first couple of steps and falls to the ground. She cowers as the street toughs come closer, certain she is no match for their brutal strength.)
AMY: (sob, sniff) Pleeeeeeeease don't h-h-h-hurrrrt meeeeeee!!
(As she says this, the viewer spies another shadow creeping up behind the toughs, one with a spiky top.)
VOICE: (offscreen, tough and angry) Hey boys! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?!
(The street toughs turn around, stunned. Pan over to reveal a silhouette, presumably female, standing in a martial arts position, prepared to strike at any moment. Cut to wide shot. The street toughs leap to their feet and head over to the intruder, licking their chops with anticipation. But just as one gets close enough, the stranger does a kick-boxing move that sends him flying backward against the fence. He falls on the ground, unconscious, next to Amy. Meanwhile, Amy continues to cower and watch with fascination. The silhouetted stranger prepares for her next victim. A second street thug lunges at her.)
GUY 2: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
STRANGER: Hye-YAAAAA!
(She delivers a karate blow to his chest. The guy stumbles backward, but doesn't fall. Just then, the remaining street thug charges at her. He grabs the stranger by her spiky hair and laughs at his conquest. But then, the stranger lifts him off the ground and dashes his head against the wall, rendering him unconscious as well. She turns toward the second street thug, who is reeling, but not down. He bares his teeth, and make gestures that suggest that he wants the stranger to come after him. But the stranger is patient; she knows all she has to do is wait, and he will break. Sure enough, a few seconds later, the thug gives up and lunges at her. The stranger delivers a karate kick to his hip, and he falls flat on his back, unconscious.)
(Cut to shot of Amy. Once she realizes that her tormentors pose a threat to her no more, she stands up slowly and looks at the stranger with an inquisitive expression.)
AMY: (admiring) Those are some great moves you've got. You saved my life.
STRANGER: (offhanded) It was nothing.
(She walks toward Amy, into a patch of light. The viewer then sees that the stranger is a young woman, possibly a teenager, wearing Goth makeup and clothing.)
STRANGER: You'd better watch out for these alleyways, lady. You never know what you'll find.
AMY: Thanks. (Bt) But what are you doing here?
STRANGER: Me? I'm a runaway from Lawndale, so I already know what danger is. The name's Andrea Hecuba. (She says this without extending her hand to Amy.)
AMY: Amy Barksdale. (Offers Andrea her hand, then retracts it when Andrea just stares at it impassively.) Wait -- did you say "Lawndale"? What a coincidence: that's where my niece Daria lives.
ANDREA: Daria? (Bt) Daria Morgendorffer??
AMY: You know her?
ANDREA: Do I! (face brightens slightly.) Daria Morgendorffer and her friend, Jane Lane, are, like, the coolest kids in school! They were the only reason Lawndale High was even worth going to. (Bt) I always wanted to talk to them, but I was too afraid they'd brush me off.
AMY: Daria? Brush you off? (laugh warmly.) Of course she wouldn't have. Daria has maturity that's light years ahead of anyone else, and what with her keen sense of social observation, she'd have more than understood that by brushing you off, she was being as hypocritical as the popular types who ignore her. I consider it an honor and privilege to be called her "Aunt Amy."
ANDREA: I'll bet. (eyes Amy carefully.) And I'll bet she's not too pissed-off that she's your niece, either. (Bt) Anyway, it was nice meeting you, but I gotta get going.
AMY: Why? To where??
ANDREA: (shrugging) To wherever the road takes me.
AMY: (makes a motion to restrain her) Aw come on, do you have to leave so soon? You saved my life. Don't you at least want some place to spend the night?
ANDREA: I dunno...
(Suddenly the first street tough who was knocked unconscious springs back to life and lunges at Andrea. He grabs her in a chokehold. Cut to overhead shot, as Andrea and the street tough wrestle back and forth, taking turns slamming each other into brick walls, until finally Andrea flips him over onto his back and flops down on his head, pro-wrestler style. When at last the tough is good and unconscious -- if not dead -- Andrea stands up and calmly walks back over to Amy.)
ANDREA: Sure, why the hell not? I could use a nice bathroom mirror for reapplying my makeup.
(She and Amy walk away together.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Barksdale residence, the next morning)
(Shot of the outside.)
RUTH: (offscreen VO, angry) Amy, you can't be serious! She isn't staying!
(Cut to shot of Amy and Rita sitting at the kitchen table, finishing off breakfast before they start their daily grind of baking and selling. Ruth is rinsing dishes in the sink and looking deeply agitated.)
AMY: Why not? What's so wrong with her?
(Rita unleashes a sharp, sarcastic laugh.)
RITA: What is wrong, you ask?? She only tried to pick Mother's and my wallets on the way home from the bakery last night.
RUTH: I saw her shoveling our antique silverware into her pockets. Then, when I tried to get it back, she threatened me with a fire poker.
RITA: Last night, when I got up to get a drink of water, I heard strange chants coming from her room. They almost sounded like prayers to the Devil. (shudders.)
AMY: (nonchalant) So she's a little rough around the edges. Not like you two are so great, yourselves. (Bt) Besides, there's nothing wrong with her that can't be cured by a good, solid foundation of family and church. We can't let her slip through the cracks the way countless other troubled teens have -- we have to brace her from the cold, hard world. Let us be her wall of love.
RITA: Maybe you can. Amy, why do you care so much about what happens to this girl? Weren't there plenty of teenage runaways in the Big City?
AMY: Oh yeah, tons. (Bt) But none of them struck a cord with me the way she has. When I look at her, I see the girl I was back in high school, the one person who truly understands that when you're an isolated, angst-ridden teen, sarcasm is a great way to deal.
RITA: But Amy, what about Daria?
(Beat)
AMY: Oh. (frowns thoughtfully.) Right. Her, too.
RUTH: (to Amy, rolling her eyes) Those are some very lovely ideals, sweetheart. But I'm not even sure we have enough strength to support ourselves. (sighs, sits down at the table next to her daughters.) Every time Big Harv comes around, I come this much closer to accepting his offer of money.
RITA: Maybe you should, Mother. Then you could afford to move to that retirement community in Florida the way you always wanted. Someone your age deserves to relax with friends rather than go through the wear and tear of running a bakery every day.
RUTH: (thoughtful) Come to think of it, maybe some rest would ease the pain of my crippling arthritis...
AMY: (shocked) Rest?? Rita, how could you propose something so selfish? What our mother is doing is preserving small town Americana from the onslaught of evil corporate values.
RUTH: (murmuring to herself) I could finally afford to get that hip replacement I need...
AMY: We must stop this kind of talk at once! (determined.) Mom, don't worry: I'll see to it that you're running the bakery until you're on your death bed. All we have to do is find a way to attract more customers.
RITA: (scoffing) Easier said than done.
(Just then, Andrea comes into the room and stares at the three women with a surly expression.)
ANDREA: So that's where all the racket's been coming from! Don't you bitches realize it's the middle of the night??
RUTH: Excuse me, young lady: watch your language.
ANDREA: Bite me, Granny.
(Ruth gets a shocked look on her face, but Amy merely laughs with affectionate tolerance.)
AMY: Oh Andrea, the colorful language that pours from your mouth will make you such a fun person to have around the house.
ANDREA: What d' you mean? I'm ditching this joint as soon as the sun comes up.
AMY: (calmly) Oh no, you're not. I'm your legal guardian.
ANDREA: (stunned) Since when?!
AMY: Since last night. (smiles.) They let you apply over the phone, now.
ANDREA: Are you bleeping kidding me?!
AMY: And this afternoon, I'm going to take time off from the bakery to enroll you in school...
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (driving to school)
(Shot of Amy driving Andrea in her convertible down a residential street. Zoom in for a close-up. Amy appears calm, while Andrea looks bitter and ravenous.)
AMY: Now Andrea, I know it's not easy starting over at a new school.
(Andrea reaches over and turns up Amy's radio to a nearly eardrum-shattering level. Then she proceeds to spew several invectives which cannot be heard due to the noise. Amy reaches over and turns the radio off.)
ANDREA: ... and up yours, you stupid bitch.
AMY: (pretending not to have heard) And because it's important that you start off on the right foot with your teachers and schoolmates, I feel we ought to work out any hostility you may be feeling right now.
ANDREA: Go to Hell.
AMY: (shaking her head) Oh Andrea, I can see we have a lot of work to do. (Bt) So what made you decide to run away in the first place?
ANDREA: My principal at Lawndale kept threatening to send me to juvie if I didn't go to school every day. Then, when I waved a knife in her face, she had the nerve to call the police.
AMY: Oh. (Bt. gentle.) Now Andrea, do you really think that was the best way you could have approached that situation?
ANDREA: Obviously not. (Bt) She's still alive.
(Amy sighs.)
AMY: Clearly we're going to have to work on healthier ways for you to channel your aggression. (She puts a hand on Andrea's shoulder, but retracts it when it appears that Andrea's going to bite off her fingers.) It will be easier for us to heal you now that you're away from a big, corrupt city like Lawndale and in a wholesome, small town environment.
ANDREA: Are you kidding?? This place blows. Lawndale looks like Vegas by comparison.
AMY: Exactly. Rutherford has none of its danger and sordidness. It's a place where families gather for picnics in the park on Sundays after church. Where a guy named Joe's been your mailman for twenty years and can give you all the gossip on the block. Where every employee in the corner supermarket knows that you like Ding-Dongs. Where children lie on their backs in a grassy meadow and watch the geese fly --
ANDREA: What about those street thugs who almost killed you last night?
AMY: (smiling serenely) Now Andrea, you don't really think they would have killed me, do you?
ANDREA: It sure as hell looked like it.
AMY: I'm sure they were just playing. (Bt) You see, small town folk have a different way of expressing themselves from you and me. They probably wanted to welcome me to the neighborhood.
ANDREA: Good God, you actually believe that, don't you?
AMY: (gentle) I understand your skepticism. (Bt) But you should also keep in mind that I'm several years older than you are, and therefore wiser. I've given advice that's transformed the lives of thousands of people. Daria doesn't call me her "cool aunt" for nothing.
ANDREA: (incredulous) That's what she calls you? (Bt) I'm seriously beginning to wonder what I ever saw in her...
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Rutherford High)
(Shot of the outside. It bears an amazingly strong resemblance to Lawndale High. Cut to shot of the hallway, which also bears an amazingly strong resemblance to Lawndale High's hallway. Amy, Andrea, and the current principal, Mr. Tingle, are walking down the hall, on a tour through the school.)
TINGLE: Rutherford High has a proud winning tradition. Just have a look at our trophy case.
(He gestures at a large glass case where, indeed, there are several oversized trophies resting on shelves. On the highest shelf, however, the viewer sees something different. Cut to close-up: it's a bronze of Amy's sister Helen's teenage face, and beneath it, a plaque reads: "The Greatest Student to Ever Grace the Halls of Rutherford High." Resume wide shot. Amy sees the bronze and goes slightly pale. The screen then starts to waver as she sinks into a flashback.)
(Shot of the hallway as it looked in the 1980's. The lockers are covered with peeling orange paint and graffiti, and students stand around talking. Suddenly the floor starts shaking, causing everyone to glance around with fright and confusion. Eventually they look offscreen, break into smiles, and start laughing and pointing. Pan over to show someone who looks like Amy walking along. Only besides wearing thick glasses, she has a prominent nose, straight, limp hair, and several extra pounds on her frame, which accounts for why the floor shakes slightly every time she takes a step. Yes, this is Amy prior to her cosmetic treatment. She frowns, embarrassed by all the attention, and pretends to not hear anything.)
(Cut to close-up of a group of cheerleaders, one of whom looks like a young Rita. She gazes at Amy scornfully, as the other cheerleaders shake their heads with sympathy for her.)
CHEERLEADER: Eww, Rita, that's your cousin?
RITA: (glum) No. (Bt) Unfortunately, she's my sister.
CHEERLEADERS: Ewwwwww...
(Amy walks past the trophy case, which bears the bronze of Helen's face and the plaque underneath even then. Yet right before she disappears offscreen, she turns back around, walks toward the case, and glares at the bronze.)
AMY: You think you're so great! Well I'll beat you some day! (shakes a fist for emphasis.) I'll beeeeeeeeat you, Hellllllllllllen!!!!
(Just then, a man whom the viewer recognizes as a younger Danziger strolls up to Amy. He folds his arms and smirks snakily.)
DANZIGER: No you won't, Miss Barksdale. There's no way someone like you could ever triumph over someone like her. Face it, Fatty: you just don't have (pats her stomach lightly.) what it takes.
AMY: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(She pushes past him and runs blindly through the hallway. From out of nowhere, someone sticks out a foot, which Amy trips over. She stumbles, and falls forward into the cake booth for the annual school bake-off. The booth collapses around her, and the shock effect sends every other booth of baked goods crashing to the ground. Cut to close-up of Amy. Amidst the frosting and pulverized cake sculptures, amidst the cries and shouts of outrage, she lies there, stunned. Then she reaches over and scoops up a big handful of cake and frosting, and proceeds to eat it greedily. Wavy fade-out.)
(Fade back in to the present. Amy, remembering this incident, sheds a single tear. Andrea fingers something in her pocket and gets a wicked look on her face. Mr. Tingle directs them into a classroom.)
TINGLE: Now Ms. Hecuba, this will be your English classroom until we can work out a class schedule for you...
(He directs Andrea to a seat toward the front. Andrea eyes him and Amy moodily, then trudges toward the seat as if it were the guillotine. The teacher and students watch her nervously.)
AMY: (soothing) Now try to stay out of trouble, Andrea.
ANDREA: (snarling) Get bent.
(The other students gasp at Andrea's foul language. One student faints. But Amy merely laughs and waves. After she and Mr. Tingle have left, the teacher approaches Andrea.)
TEACHER: (uneasy) Ms. um... whatever the heck they call you. How 'bout you stand up here and tell us a little about yourself?
ANDREA: But I just sat down!
TEACHER: Um, okay... then sit down and tell us about yourself.
(Andrea groans heavily.)
ANDREA: Well I'm Amy Barksdale's new foster daughter, or whatever. I came to this crap heap town from an even crappier crap heap town called Lawndale, where I used to get in trouble for doing stuff.
(Pause)
STUDENT: (timid) Like what?
ANDREA: Like setting fire to City Hall, robbing drug stores, flooding the girl's locker room -- seven times. And for doing this.
(She stands up and pulls out a gun.)
END OF ACT THREE
--COMMERCIALS--
SCENE 1 (Barksdale residence, that evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of Andrea lounging at the kitchen table, drinking from a liquor flask.)
AMY: (offscreen, exasperated) I can't believe, during your first minute of class, you went and did something so unthinkable!
ANDREA: (calm) Sheesh, Mom, it was just paint. That school was way too damn clean -- it needed color for Christ's sake.
(She takes another swig, then passes it over to Rita. Pan over to show Rita sitting at the table. She also takes a swig from the flask.)
AMY: (offscreen) God dammit, Andrea! How many times have I told you not to take the Lord's name in vain?!
ANDREA: I've lost count. (Bt) The best part squirting that damn trophy case. No school's gonna have a winning tradition as long as I'm in it.
(Pause)
AMY: Well... well it's nice you wanted to make the school a brighter place. I forgive you.
ANDREA: Huh??
RITA: (to Amy) Aren't you going to punish her?!
AMY: Well I'm sure she's learned her lesson. (Bt. suddenly stern.) Besides, Rita: how can you lecture me on punishment when you're corrupting Andrea with your out-of-control drinking?!
RITA: (aghast) What do you mean?! This is her flask!
AMY: Oh I'm sure. Rita, you must seize control of your horrific and socially humiliating problem before it's too late!! Before you become a completely pathetic wreck, instead of just a partially pathetic one!
(She comes over, grabs the flask out of Rita's hands, and throws it out the window. The sound of shattering glass can be heard seconds later.)
RITA & ANDREA: Hey!!!
AMY: Let the healing begin now!
(Beat)
RITA: (enraged) RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
(She reaches down and grabs a previously unseen liquor bottle, then hurls it at Amy. Amy ducks, and it smashes against a wall and shatters into a million pieces.)
AMY: (straightening up) This is getting to be an unpleasant habit, Rita. (shakes her head forlornly.) And honestly, Andrea, I've tried so hard to be a good mother to you --
ANDREA: What d' you mean? You've been my mother for less than a day.
AMY: And already I'm exhausted. (Bt) Well... I hate to say it, but I have just one option.
ANDREA: (hopeful) You'll let me leave?
AMY: I'm going to have to ground you for your wrongdoing by making you work afterschool at the bakery.
ANDREA: (outraged) But you just said all is forgiven!
AMY: Now don't contradict me, young lady. I'm your wall of love, and you'd better like it...
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Kristovo's place, that night)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of a pile of clothes lying on a tiled floor -- a man's clothes intermixed with a woman's. From offscreen, the viewer hears sounds of muted laughter and bubbling water.)
(Cut to shot of Kristovo and Amy relaxing in Kristovo's outdoor hot tub. The swirling water conceals their naked bodies, leaving only their bare shoulders for the viewer to gaze upon. Kristovo does something to Amy beneath the water that causes her to break into embarrassed, aroused laughter.)
AMY: Oh-huh-ho-hohhh... you're such a bad boy, Kristovo!
KRISTOVO: I know. (He chuckles, then bursts out coughing.)
AMY: What a wonderful way to end a first date. I'm glad you suggested it.
KRISTOVO: Anything for you, my sweet Amy.
AMY: Although I can't help but wonder (sly glance downward.) if it's really true that hot water makes a man's thing... you know.
KRISTOVO: I doubt it. (cocks a brow.) It certainly didn't seem affected when we did it earlier.
AMY: Nope.
(They both laugh.)
KRISTOVO: Want to do it again?
(Pan upward to show that one of the lights on the second floor of the Barksdale house is on. Cut to close-up of Rita watching through the window. She wears a dark, vengeful frown. Resume shot of Amy and Kristovo.)
AMY: Nah... I'd better be getting home soon.
(She turns around to climb out of the tub, revealing to the viewer the long, graceful curvature of her backside. But before she can reveal anymore, Kristovo takes her arm and pulls her gently back into the tub. He brings her against him with great urgency.)
KRISTOVO: (passionate) Please, you mustn't leave now! You are still so much a mystery to me. I want to peel back your sarcastic façade!
AMY: Whatever for? Sarcasm's a great way to deal.
KRISTOVO: No, no! You must tell me about your other life! I must know more about your painful childhood!!
AMY: Well there's always a second date.
KRISTOVO: (cupping her chin in his hand, his eyes smokey and dangerous) Don't toy with me, Amy.
(Beat)
AMY: Well all right. If it means that much to you... (She pulls back and settles down into her spot again.) I already told you about that flashback I had this afternoon.
KRISTOVO: Please, more. I must have MORE!!
AMY: Well... the story behind it is this. While Helen, Rita, and I were growing up, Helen was put on a pedestal. Mom and Dad thought everything she did was perfect. She brought home straight A's, she was captain of the championship debating team, and she even got elected Homecoming Queen her senior year. (Bt) Even though Rita and I are so much younger than she is, we were always jealous of her. Especially me. Being the middle daughter isn't easy.
KRISTOVO: (sympathetic) You poor thing.
AMY: I was always told: "Be like Helen. Helen doesn't eat all the time. Helen doesn't bury her nose in a book like you do." My parents couldn't see that Helen was -- nay, is -- a conceited jerk.
KRISTOVO: Of course.
AMY: Maybe my jealousy was the reason I felt compelled to spend more time with her daughter, Daria. I saw a chance to finally get even with Helen by warping her mind, turning her from a sweet, optimistic baby into a cynical, sarcastic teen who couldn't make friends.
KRISTOVO: And it worked?
AMY: Like a charm. (Bt) On top of that, my plunge into the cake booth had me vowing never to be associated with baked goods ever again. From that day forward I worked hard... I disciplined myself... made myself into a new person... until I'd saved up enough to get me the best plastic surgeon money could buy.
KRISTOVO: (purring) And you look fabulous.
AMY: Then I got my Masters in Chemistry and my Ph.D in Bioengineering. Joined the Academy, became a renowned crime fighting scientist wanted by the mob... (sighs.) But you know, for whatever reason, I still don't feel satisfied. Something's missing from my life.
KRISTOVO: (reaching over, drawing her to him) Romance?
AMY: I don't know. Maybe. (She looks at him with a playful smile.) But now tell me about yourself, Kristovo. You haven't said a word about your life all evening.
KRISTOVO: Oh... (Pause) Well, my life is mysterious and fraught with danger... and you wouldn't be interested.
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Barksdale Bake Sale, the next afternoon)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Andrea and Amy standing at the counter. A customer walks up to ask a question, but one look at Andrea's surly expression, and she turns around and flees out the door. Andrea smirks slightly. Amy turns to her with a tired, exasperated expression.)
AMY: Can't you even try to smile a little while we wait on customers??
ANDREA: Smile? What is this "smile" you speak of?
AMY: (rolling her eyes) Never mind. We'll practice later. (Bt) But while we're both standing here, we can discuss how to tackle the issues you're facing as a teenager.
ANDREA: Again??
AMY: (raising a brow) Andrea...
ANDREA: Fine, whatever. (Bt) I beat up two girls for their lunch money, and a guy who tried to ask me out on a date. Like I'd really watch a movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.
AMY: Andrea, don't you realize that when you beat up on other people, in some way, you're beating up on yourself?
ANDREA: No. Am I supposed to?
AMY: Yes. (sighs heavily.) You're not letting anyone get close enough to enjoy the Andrea within. The sweet, gentle girl that had better be inside you.
ANDREA: Oh her. I destroyed her years ago.
AMY: (trying to stay patient) Let me give you some advice...
ANDREA: (grabbing her head) Noooooo! Your damn advice always screws me over!!
AMY: (bewildered) What do you mean??
ANDREA: It's like your mind is stuck in the fifties! No one acts as polite and goody-goody as you think they're going to act. And every time you tell me to be like that, it just blows up in my face -- like my partner's science experiment when I tried to help her out today after you told me to.
AMY: (patient) Now Andrea, I know that faith in human nature can't be rebuilt overnight, after it's been robbed of you in the cold, hard streets of Lawndale, but --
ANDREA: Hey. Is something burning?
(Pause. Amy frowns mildly and sniffs the air, then scruches up her nose with disgust. Above their heads, the viewer can see a thin veil of smoke wafting in.)
AMY: (eyes widening) Dammit, my blondies!
(She rushes offscreen. Andrea watches her, smirks, then follows slowly.)
(Cut to shot of the now-fixed oven. A thick stream of smoke pours from it. Amy comes over, waving a hand in front of her face and coughing. She tries to open the oven door, then snatches her hand back once she realizes how hot it is. With the help of an oven mitt, she tries again. Once the door is opened, an even larger stream of smoke pours out, and the blondies are revealed -- ruined.)
ANDREA: (coming over) Those look more like brownies. (Bt) Actually, they look more like sh--
AMY: Andrea!!! (Bt. distressed and angry.) Now what am I going to do?? We won't have any fresh baked goods to serve the customers!
ANDREA: Who cares? No one's bought anything anyway.
AMY: (not hearing her) Mother and Rita left me in charge and I blew it! I'm a failure! (heaves a sob.)
ANDREA: Don't have a heart attack, Mom. Just make something else.
AMY: (face brightening) You're right! (She immediately stops crying and runs over to the nearby supply cabinet.) I'll make something even better -- a giant cake, with lots of cream filling and stuff.
ANDREA: How original.
(Amy grabs a large mixing bowl and sets it on the counter. She pours in a huge heap of flour and sugar, dumps in a dozen eggs without cracking them, and fills the bowl with water, before desperately beating away at the concoction with a wooden spoon. When Amy's not looking, Andrea smirks wickedly and pours some liquid from an unmarked bottle into the bowl. Finally, Amy pauses to taste the batter.)
AMY: Hmmm... crunchy... and with a definite zip. But it needs something more. (She searches the shelf, until she locates a few spice dispensers. After removing the top of one, she holds it over the bowl and sprinkles lightly.) The chemical properties in these cloves ought to give it a definite lift -- AGHHHHHHHH!!!
(The moment the cloves mix with the batter, they create an explosion that sends Amy and Andrea ten feet backward. For several seconds, they lie there, stunned, while batter drips around them. Some of it drips into their mouths. At last Andrea makes a murmuring sound, swallows. She stands up slowly, brushes herself off, and gazes at the mess. Then something unusual happens: she smiles.)
ANDREA: Wow, I feel great!
AMY: Huh??
ANDREA: I don't know what you put in that batter, but I can just feel my resentment and hostility melting away! I feel like... all I want to do is... say "hi" to everyone on the street and give them big hugs!
AMY: (stunned) Are you serious?? (She sits up straighter, and suddenly her lips widen into a smile.) I know what you mean. Andrea, I could just kiss you, right now!
ANDREA: Mom, what d' you say we take off early and do some bonding?
AMY: (standing up, putting an arm around her) Honey: sounds like a plan.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (montage, that afternoon)
(Cue music: theme song to "The Partridge Family")
(Shot of Amy and Andrea riding bicycles down a tree-lined street. They laugh and wave at everyone who passes.)
(Cut to shot of Amy and Andrea sitting on a park bench, blowing bubbles and feeding the ducks. At one point two ducks start fighting over a piece of bread. Amy reaches down and drops a chunk of batter, which one of the ducks eats. Soon the fighting stops, and the ducks start nuzzling each other.)
(Cut to shot of Amy and Andrea swinging on a swingset. They look at each other and laugh and try to see who can swing highest.)
(Cut to shot of Amy and Andrea skipping down the main street, eating ice cream cones. They enter a clothing store.)
(Cut to shot of two dressing room doors in the clothing store. Suddenly one door opens and Andrea jumps out, wearing a swimsuit and oversized sunglasses. The second door opens, and Amy steps out, dressed as a biker with a leather jacket and her hair slicked back. She's also wearing small black sunglasses. They look at each other and laugh.)
(Cut to shot of Amy and Andrea running out of the clothing store, dressed normally, but wearing hats. They stop and toss their hats in the air a la "The Mary Tyler Moore Show.")
(Cut to shot of Amy and Andrea visiting dogs in a pound. Andrea starts opening the cages, and Amy helps the dogs jump out and run away. They cheer and wave as the dogs leave.)
(Cut to shot of Amy and Andrea helping old people across the street in front of a gigantic concrete building, which bears the gaudy sign: BIG HARV'S SUPERSTORE. Customers of the Superstore are standing around and watching with pleasure and approval. Cut to close-up of one of the Superstore's windows. From it, Big Harv and Mayor Danziger view the goings-on with suspicious frowns.)
(Cut to shot of Rita walking into the living room of the Barksdale residence and stopping abruptly. Her face takes on a look of amazement. Zoom out to show Amy and Andrea clutching hankies and crying over a romantic comedy on TV.)
(End of montage. Cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Barksdale residence, a short time later)
(Shot of the outside.)
RUTH: (offscreen VO) What do you mean "great discovery"?? What great discovery could you have stumbled upon while you were playing hookey from the bakery?
(Cut to shot of her, Amy, Andrea, and Rita sitting at the kitchen table. Ruth looks stern, while Rita looks sulky and triumphant.)
RITA: I found it completely closed-up at four p.m. Then, when I went inside, everything was a mess!
RUTH: Amy, I'm tired of relying on you, only to have you completely disappoint us. (closes her eyes.) You're tearing this family APARRRRRRRT!!!!
RITA: (to Amy) If you don't want to work with us, why don't you just go back to the Big City with your mobster headhunters where you were so happy??
AMY: Calm down, both of you. You'll see what I mean. (She takes out a jar of the dough and digs out two heaping spoonfuls. She passes one to Rita and one to her mother.)
ANDREA: (cranky and shaking slightly) Dammit, I need some more of that crap. I think my happiness is starting to wear off.
AMY: (cheerful) Here ya go. (hands Andrea another spoonful.)
RUTH: (after chewing and swallowing) Honestly, I don't know -- (suddenly pauses, and a smile spreads across her lips.) My goodness... this is the most scrumptious dough I've ever tasted!
RITA: (amazed) Yeah. it's making me feel so... peaceful and optimistic.
RUTH: Amy, what did you put in this? (springs up out of her chair.) I suddenly feel as though I could run ten times around the block!
AMY: Just this and that. Mostly some cloves.
ANDREA: And I added some stuff.
(Pause. Amy, Rita, and Ruth regard her with suspicion.)
AMY: What "stuff"?
ANDREA: (slightly defensive) Just some horse radish.
(She sets the unmarked bottle she used earlier on the table. Amy picks it up, unscrews the cap, and sniffs.)
AMY: It smells normal to me. And with my expert knowledge of chemicals, I'll be able to determine the exact chemical balance in the dough, so that we can reproduce it on future occasions.
RUTH: Why Amy, do you realize what this means?? This "happy" dough is something no one else has created, not even Big Harv. Once people find out about it, they'll be chomping at the bit to have some, and the bakery will be saved!
AMY: Oh great. I was hoping we could keep it all to ourselves.
(Ruth looks at her, stunned.)
AMY: Sarcasm -- it's a great way to deal.
(Ruth, Andrea, and Rita -- still under the benevolent effects of the "happy" dough -- burst out laughing. Then all three share a group hug with Amy.)
(fade-out. fade-in to:)
SCENE 6 (Barksdale Bake Sale, the next day)
(Shot of the outside. A large banner hangs in the window, which reads HOME TO THE ONE-AND-ONLY HAPPY DAPPY SUPER DOUGH! GUARATEED TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE NEW!! Just then a man walks up to the window and reads the sign thoughtfully. He shrugs his shoulders and opens the front door.)
(Cut to the inside. The man walks up to the counter, where Amy, Andrea, Ruth, and Rita await nervously.)
MAN: I would normally have passed by this place on the way to my high-powered job, but I noticed your sign. What is this "happy dough"?
AMY: It looks like regular dough, but it can liven up your whole mood! (takes a slice, reaches over the counter.) Here, try some.
MAN: Well I don't know if that's possible. (takes it and tears of a chunk with his teeth.) I mean this thing... would have to have drugs... in it or something...
(Cut to shot of the women eyeing each other. Resume shot of the man. He swallows.)
MAN: Now how is some silly dough supposed to make me -- (Suddenly his eyes light up.) Holy moses! This is amazing!
(He leaps up and spins around in the air. Amy looks at the other three with an expression of unconcealed glee.)
MAN: I've never felt so good in my life! You ladies are miracle workers! How much for a pound?
AMY: How much have you got?
(Cut to shot of the outside, a short time later. The man rushes out the door and grabs the first person he finds on the street.)
WOMAN: Hey!
MAN: Oh my God! You've gotta try it! The Bake Sale's happy dough!
MAN 2: (down the street) The what??
MAN: (running up to him) The happy dough!!! It'll change your life!
(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot a few days later of the town minister and one of his flock.)
MAN: Say Reverend: do you want to try the happy dough?
REVEREND: (stern) Now son, do not distract me from conducting a frank discussion with you about your sin. (Bt) Oh but what the heck. If it will bring us closer together, I will try this dough of which you speak. (He takes some, eats it. His eyes light up.) Never mind! Do whatever your heart tells you to do, my son!
MAN: (smirking) You mean it, Reverend?
REVEREND: I certainly do. Our purpose in life is to feel good, and if feeling good means coveting your neighbor's wife, so be it!
(Cut to shot of a cop standing next to a pulled-over speeding car. He's chomping on some rolled-up dough and smiling.)
COP: Aw forget the ticket. Going 70 in a 25 mile-per-hour zone isn't that big a deal.
(Cut to shot of a classroom at the elementary school.)
TEACHER: (enthused) Class, today we won't learn anything! What's the point, when there's so much fun that hasn't been tapped into?! (She pulls a big hunk of dough out of her desk and breaks off a chunk.) Food fight!!!
(She hurls the chunk at a student. The students respond by reaching into their desks, pulling out dough, and hurling it at each other.)
(Cut to shot of the mayor in his office. He swallows a piece of happy dough and turns to one of his aides.)
MAYOR: (cheerful) You know, I believe I'll declare today to be the happiest day in Rutherford.
AIDE: (laughing) Like yesterday?
MAYOR: (laughing) Yes, and the day before!
(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of the Bake Sale a few days later. There's a large line stretching around the block. Cut to shot of the inside. Amy is handing out packages of the dough while Andrea works the cash register.)
AMY: Whew -- look at all this dough we're giving out.
ANDREA: Look at all the dough we're raking in.
(She takes another wad of cash from a customer and, when Amy's not looking, puts some of it in her pocket.)
END OF ACT FOUR
--COMMERCIALS--
SCENE 1 (Meanwhile, in the basement of Big Harv's Superstore)
(Shot of the outside of the store at night. Cut to shot of a laboratory, in which two scientists are busy trying to replicate the chemical formula of the dough. They have a microscope and several vials sitting around. After several seconds, one of them groans and shakes his head. He presses an intercom button to one side and speaks into a microphone.)
SCIENTIST: Boss, it's no good. We've tried, but the chemical formula is uncrackable. They must have sensed that someone would try to steal it.
HARV: (from the speaker) Can you at least tell if there's anything illegal in that dough?
SCIENTIST: No, everything looks ship-shape.
(Pause)
HARV: Then maybe y' oughtta add a couple of ingredients that might... leave one to doubt.
SCIENTIST: (baffled) Are you suggesting we spike the dough??
(Beat)
HARV: Hmmm... not right away. We'll wait. First I've got another ace up my sleeve...
(Cut to shot of Big Harv sitting in a large leather chair in his office. He folds his hands and grins wickedly.)
HARV: Believe you me. Rutherford will be mine.
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Rutherford High, lunch time)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Amy and Andrea carrying large boxes of dough through the hallway, in the direction of the cafeteria. Around them, hollow-eyed students gaze at the boxes. A few come so far as to walk up and try and take them away, but Amy and Andrea laugh and brush them aside.)
AMY: (cheerful) Wow. People just can't get enough of this stuff.
ANDREA: You can't blame 'em. It's a tasty snack, rich in carbos.
AMY: Gosh Andrea, that almost sounded like a compliment. (smiles serenely.) Is that the dough talking, or you?
ANDREA: Me, I think. (Bt. gazes down, shyly.) I've been having a lot of fun these past couple of weeks. It's like, weird: I actually feel like I'm a part of something for once.
AMY: I know what you mean. My mother and Rita are finally treating me with respect. (Bt) Or at least my mother is.
ANDREA: Yeah. (Bt) And, um, I don't know... maybe I was a little hard on you when I said your advice sucked. I mean hey: if you can make good dough, surely you can give advice that a fragile person like myself could really apply to her complex life issues.
AMY: Ohhhhh... (reaches over and squeezes Andrea's shoulder. Andrea only cringes slightly.) I'm so glad you're starting to have faith in me. So if you've got a problem, ask away.
ANDREA: Okay. (Bt) What if... you think... you might be attracted to other women?
(Beat)
AMY: (blushing a little) Um... whoops, I'm feeling kind of tired. What say we talk about this later, when I have more energy?
(She and Andrea walk offscreen. Other students standing nearby watch them go, then look at each other.)
GIRL: Oh my God!
GUY: Did you hear what she said??
GIRL 2: Yeah!
GUY 2: It's just... unbelievable.
GIRL: I know!
(Beat)
GUY: A woman who makes good dough and gives advice. We have to take advantage of this rare opportunity to speak to her!
STUDENTS: YEAH!
(They start chasing after Amy, and overwhelm her with their talking.)
AMY: One at a time! One at a time! Let's sit down in the cafeteria...
(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. Having unloaded the boxes of dough in the cafeteria kitchen, Amy now sits with a girl on top of one of the tables. A long line of students winds around the tables.)
AMY: Sonya, when a guy makes fun of you, that means he likes you. So the next time he kicks dirt in your face, you just smile and laugh, and he'll be all yours.
SONYA: Thanks, Ms. Barksdale!
AMY: (squeezing her shoulder) Anytime.
(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. Amy is sitting in the exact same position with another student, this time a guy.)
AMY: Jeremy, wet dreams are normal for a boy your age. All I recommend is that you keep an extra set of sheets handy...
(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later.)
AMY: Sally, you tell our congressman that campaign finance reform is essential if we're to maintain a healthy democracy...
(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later.)
AMY: And the Prophet Mohammed said...
(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later.)
AMY: I like coral earrings, but pearl ones are just so much cuter, and they go really well with those shoes...
(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of the outside of the cafeteria. Amy walks outside, looking weary, while a throng of students wave in her direction.)
STUDENTS: Bye!!!
AMY: (waving back) Bye! And just remember --
STUDENTS: (in unison) Sarcasm -- it's a GREAT way to deal!!!!
(After the students have disappeared offscreen, Amy does a little skip in the air and continues to walk jauntily. A large smile spreads across her lips.)
AMY: (to the camera) They like me... they like me! And to think: if I hadn't stumbled upon the recipe for that dough, I wouldn't have any of this. I really feel like I belong, for the first time!
(Just then, a reporter with a notepad and camera dashes up to Amy.)
REPORTER: Are you Ms. Amy Barksdale?
AMY: You bet I am.
REPORTER: How'd you like to be part of a news story?
AMY: Another one? (Bt) Sure.
REPORTER: Question One: will you ever divulge the secret ingredients of the "happy" dough??
AMY: I'm sorry. (shakes her head.) But those ingredients are top-secret. They're part of my family's success, and I'm not about to give them up...
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 3 (Barksdale residence, that evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Amy sitting in a living room chair, reading a newspaper. Ruth comes up behind her and musses her hair.)
AMY: Mother!
RUTH: I'm sorry sweetheart; I was again just thinking of how proud I am of you. Then I saw you sitting there, and one thing led to another...
AMY: (smiling) It's all right.
(Beat)
RUTH: (looking at an empty bowl on the table next to Amy) Oh dear. You seem to have finished off your happy dough. Would you like me to bring you some more?
AMY: No, it's okay. I think we're all out of it, anyway.
RUTH: Oh. (pales slightly.) Oh. Um, perhaps you ought to make some more. I don't want to get those shakes again.
AMY: All right. (smiling, shaking her head.) Gosh, Mom, you sure do like that stuff. That's all you ate for dinner.
RUTH: (mussing her hair again) That's because my little darling's such a good chef.
AMY: (suddenly a little disquieted) Would you love me as much even if I hadn't discovered the happy dough?
(Pause)
RUTH: (uneasy laughter) Ho-ho-ho... of course I would. But, um, you did discover it and that's that. Now let us never speak of it again.
(She leaves quickly. Amy shrugs and starts to get up. Just then Rita enters the room, carrying a cordless phone.)
RITA: (more weary and irritated than usual) Here's the goddamn phone. Every goddamn phone call's been for you.
(She thrusts the phone into Amy's hands and stalks away. Amy puts it against her ear.)
AMY: Hello?
(Split screen so that Amy is on one end, and Quinn Morgendorffer, Amy's other niece from "Daria," is on the other.)
QUINN: (stiff) Hi, Aunt Amy. My sister, Daria, my mother, Helen, my father, Jake, and I heard that you're having quite an exciting time in Rutherford, away from the Big City.
AMY: Hi, Quinn! So you heard about the happy dough, did you?
QUINN: Um... yes.
AMY: Wow, it's so great of you to take time out of your busy life as a popular and well-dressed teen at Lawndale High to give me a call.
QUINN: No problem. It's in my contract.
AMY: Huh?
QUINN: Um, nothing. Listen, I have to go. I have three dates tonight.
AMY: I understand. Having a social life and staying one step ahead of Sandi Griffin must take up a lot of your time.
QUINN: Um, sure. (Bt) But I just want to say that whatever you're doing, the Morgendorffer family is behind you one hundred percent, or something.
AMY: Great, Quinn. Thanks!
(Quinn hangs up the phone, and her screen disappears. Amy sighs contentedly and shakes her head. But before she can stand up to walk into the kitchen, the phone rings again. Amy sinks back into her chair and puts it to her ear.)
AMY: Hello?
WOMAN: (from the receiver) Is this Ms. Amy Barksdale??
AMY: Yes.
WOMAN: I heard from my daughter that you gave her some advice about men at school. Is that correct?
AMY: Um, yes.
WOMAN: Wonderful -- so it's true! You really can bake good dough and give good advice.
AMY: Uh-huh.
WOMAN: Please, could you help me? (Bt) You see, I love your dough. Heck, I'd eat it all day, and frankly that's what I was doing 'til I saw I'd gained fifteen pounds. But once the effects of withdrawl started to kick in, I realized I needed a longer term solution to my problems.
AMY: (warmly) I understand. Feel free to ask me anything...
(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. Amy is curled up in the opposite direction, withthe phone against her other ear, talking to a different parent.)
AMY: Mr. Johnson, I'd caution you against taking Viagra with your heart condition. If your wife really loves you, she'll accept you even in your impotence. (Pause) And yes, I'd be glad to deliver ten pounds of dough to the kindergarten tomorrow...
(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. Amy's lying with her head pressed against one of the arms of her chair and her legs dangling over the other end. The phone is against her ear, and she looks somewhat weary.)
AMY: There were two Darrens on "Bewitched," Mrs. Knight: Dick York and Dick Sargent. See, it's rather impossible for a man, once he reaches maturity, to grow another half-foot.
(Just then, Ruth walks past in the foreground, shaking noticeably, her tongue darting out of her mouth again and again. Amy glances at her, gets a look of concern.)
AMY: (to Mrs. Knight) Oops. I'd better go.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Barksdale Bake Sale, the next afternoon)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Ruth and Rita, standing at the counter, going through piles of paper slips. Around them, replacing the fancy cakes and cookies in the display cases, are piles of dough, in assorted colors. One pile is striped dough. Another is swirly dough. There are "two-for-the-price-of-one" signs, and "free coupon with purchase of" signs.)
RUTH: Look at all these orders! And look, sweetheart: your sister's on the front page again! "Formerly Obese Teenager Becomes a Baking Sensation."
RITA: (resentful) She's always on the front page of the paper. I don't see how making dough entitles you to break first ground for the veteran's hospital.
RUTH: (firm) Rita, your sister's a local celebrity, and those types of people always get asked to do these things. Now we have to support her as best we can.
RITA: Why?? You just said she's a celebrity. Celebrities are already beloved by countless people.
RUTH: Now Rita, do you want me to send you home??
RITA: No. (Bt. trembles a bit.) Damn dough -- it's just not working like it's supposed to, anymore.
RUTH: Maybe your sister altered the ingredients.
(Just then Amy enters from the kitchen. She has overheard this last exchange.)
AMY: (frowning slightly) No, I didn't. (Bt) You know, I was just thinking: maybe people ought to be more sparing when they eat the dough. Like with any good thing -- apples, oranges, chicken, double-dipped soft served cones with nuts -- too much might have a negative impact. Much like Rita's rampant alcoholism.
RITA: (outraged) How can you say that?? I'm not even drinking any beer or liquor right now!
RUTH: Rita, if your sister says you're a drunk, then you're a drunk. She's a celebrity, so therefore everything she says is correct. (turning to Amy.) Except for your concerns about the dough. Sweetheart, you've stumbled upon the ideal snack food of the century. Millions will want this.
AMY: (somewhat disheartened) I know.
RUTH: And in case you haven't noticed, I've increased the price just a little.
(Beat)AMY: (looking, baffled) Fifty dollars for the swirled dough? Per pound??
RUTH: People will pay it. I did it to the swirly dough because it's prettier than the striped dough, don't you think?
AMY: But they're exactly the same!
RUTH: (defensive) So? The people out there don't know that.
AMY: Aren't you at least going to bake some other foods? Must children everywhere be deprived of the sweet crunchy taste of a Barksdale gingerbread cookie? Must old couples be forced to walk along the sidewalk without seeing the sunny, summery visage of a Barksdale lemon chiffon cake in the window? Must teenagers --
RUTH: Amy. (Bt) Put a soc in it.
(Amy closes her mouth and slumps backward a little. Just then the bells on the front door jingle, indicating that customers have entered. A few moments later, the viewer sees Big Harv and Mayor Danziger approach the counter.)
RUTH: I'm sorry, Mr. Clifford, Mayor Danziger, but we only accept phone-in orders now.
HARV: Y' know why I'm here, Ruthie. To buy the secret recipe for the happy dough. (Bt) Twenty million.
RUTH: No.
DANZIGER: (low, menacing) Don't be foolish. Twenty million is more than you'll ever see in a lifetime. Then Harv can distribute the dough to a wider consumer market, and you can keep on running your little bakery, without ever having to worry about it going under.
AMY: But what's to keep Big Harv from finding a way to drive us under? The dough must be worth more than twenty million if he's willing to make such an offer.
RUTH: (proud) I'll say it is. (Bt) We've already made five million just this month.
(Pause. Amy and Rita look at their mother, their eyes about ready to pop out of their sockets. Big Harv and Mayor Danziger, too, look shocked.)
RUTH: We've been getting orders in from all around the country, even around the world. Everyone wants to try the Barksdale happy dough.
DANZIGER: Is that so?
RUTH: Why do you think we stopped taking orders at the counter? Because we need room for the groups of tourists that come in on the hour, every hour. They want to see the charming little bakery where it all began. Haven't you noticed that this town seems a little more crowded these days?
DANZIGER: Um, why... yes...
RUTH: And soon, we're thinking of expanding. Maybe knock down a couple of extra shops on the block.
(At these last few words, Amy's mouth drops open.)
DANZIGER: Well, well... I wouldn't have guessed it. (Bt. turns to Big Harv) I'm sorry, Harvey, but our deal is off.
HARV: WHAT???
DANZIGER: I made a pact to support you because I thought you could bring wealth and honor to this town, but heck, if a local shop is already doing that, then I guess I don't need you anymore.
HARV: What?? What?? (Pause. He comes to his senses, then grows beet-red and shakes a fist at Danziger .) You traitor! I'll get even with you! And when I'm done, Rutherford will be mine!!!
(He runs away, and offscreen, the viewer hears the sound of the door slamming. Danziger turns to Amy and raises a brow.)
DANZIGER: All right, Miss Barksdale: I'll admit you're not as bad as you used to be.
AMY: Anyone can make a mistake.
DANZIGER: We'll see about that. I'm going to enter you in the county-wide bake-off, and if you win, you'll have restored my faith in you. If not, then I'll switch my alliegance back to Big Harv.
AMY: (stunned) But what's the point?? My mother just told you how much wealth and fame our dough is bringing to this town.
DANZIGER: Yes, but winning a big county-wide contest is the traditional way of proving a person or organization's worth. Don't ask me why -- it just is. Therefore, you'll be in the bake-off this weekend.
(Amy nods, looking distinctly unhappy.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Kristovo's house, that night)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Amy and Kristovo lying in his bed. Amy is facing away from Kristovo, her bare white arms wrapped around her pillow. She still looks unhappy. Meanwhile Kristovo has propped himself up on an elbow, and is proceeding to cover the back of Amy's neck with long, deep kisses. When she continues to just lie there, Kristovo stops, settles down, and wraps his arms around her.)
KRISTOVO: (whispering in her ear) You're so unresponsive tonight.
AMY: I'm just... (She tries to explain, but ends up sighing instead.)
KRISTOVO: It's your newfound celebrity. You're not used to it, and it's wearing you out.
AMY: (nodding vaguely) Yeah. It's nothing like when I was a celebrity back in the Big City.
KRISTOVO: I don't like it. It worries me.
AMY: (surprised) Why? (She rolls over onto her back so she can see him.)
KRISTOVO: You're getting too much exposure.
(Beat)
AMY: (frowning slightly) Why should that bother you?
KRISTOVO: I just think you should stay hidden.
AMY: What for? (Frowning harder, she sits up straight, carefully concealing her nudity from the viewer's eye with the blanket, but nonetheless showing some cleavage.) You're not jealous, are you?
KRISTOVO: Jealous?? (He laughs with abandon, then coughs. As he sits up to face Amy, the blanket slides off his chest, revealing perfectly chiseled pectoral muscles.) Jealous of your little fifteen minutes of fame?? I wouldn't know where to begin.
AMY: (irritated) I think you do. I think you already are. Dammit Kristovo, I'm not in this relationship to be controlled by you.
KRISTOVO: (blankly) Relationship?
(Beat)
AMY: (lips trembling slightly) So... you don't think this is a relationship? (eyes fill with tears.) Well I might have known: you're just like all the other men I've slept with. You just want the sex and none of the intimacy.
KRISTOVO: (putting a hand on her arm) Please, Amy, no. That's not it at all. If you would just listen --
(Amy pulls away from him, and quickly slips out of bed, offscreen.)
AMY: (offscreen, a sob in her voice) Well I don't have to stay here and take it! I've got responsibilities at the bakery, a new advice column I'm supposed to start writing, a teenage girl to raise, and that damn bake-off this weekend --
KRISTOVO: (eyes widening) The county bake-off?? Reporters from all over the state will be there. (Bt) You must not go!
(Amy quickly reappears onscreen, now dressed in her underwear and bra, tugging on a shirt.)
AMY: You can't tell me what to do! I don't even know who you are!
KRISTOVO: (crawling forward and taking her by the hands, revealing his finely sculpted leg and stomach muscles and his Speedo underwear) I am your protector. And I must warn you: by increasing your visibility, you're putting yourself in grave danger.
AMY: (rolling her eyes with irritation) Danger from who?
(Fade-out. Fade-in to close-up shot of Amy's face in a newspaper article. Zoom out to show that Scruffy Joe is looking at it. He wears a malevolent smirk.)
SCRUFFY: So... thought you could escape me, did you?? Well I'll teach you, Amy Barksdale. I'll teach you good! Ha-ha-ha-ha-HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
END OF ACT FIVE
--COMMERCIALS--
SCENE 1 (Barksdale residence, night before the bake-off)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Amy slumped forward in the living room chair, while Andrea sits across from her on the couch.)
AMY: (shaking her head) I'm starting to wish I'd never invented that dough. It's saved the bakery and the town from Big Harv, but turned us into the thing we hated in the process.
ANDREA: Bummer.
AMY: And what's more, the dough isn't good for the townspeople's well-being. (Bt) Their dependence on it has exposed their dark sides, of which I preferred to remain blissfully ignorant.
ANDREA: Yeah.
AMY: I just want my happy wholesome town back again. (groans.) But I can't sabbatoge the dough -- I don't want to hurt Mom by doing something like that. (disheartened.) Maybe I... maybe I should just return to the Big City and take my chances with the mob. That way I won't cause anyone any more problems.
ANDREA: No way. You're talking crazy, Mom. This is all just 'cause you're upset about that guy, Kristovo, isn't it?
(At the sound of his name, Amy's face crumbles, and tears start to roll down her cheeks.)
AMY: Oh Andrea, what am I going to do?? I've never felt about any man the way I do about Kristovo. Not Keith or Bob or Aaron or Steve or Chief or Joe or Chief again. I think he could be "the one." (tears flow harder down her cheeks.) But I pushed him awaaaaaaay!
ANDREA: Dammit, Mom, you either gotta tell this guy how you feel or just forget about him and keep your mind on the bake-off.
(At the world "bake-off," Amy's face crumbles again, and she starts sobbing.)
ANDREA: God, what now?
(Beat)
AMY: (sob, sniff) I can't go to the bake-off... if I do, I'll be reminded of the trauma I suffered at my high school bake-off. (buries her head in her arms.) All those cakes flying in the air, those cookies spilling onto the floor, the stares, the laughs... oh the horror!
(As Amy continues to cry, Andrea jumps off the couch and walks over to her. She lifts Amy's head and slaps her across the face.)
AMY: Wha--!
ANDREA: Snap out of it! Dammit, you're gonna go to that bake-off and you're gonna win. And we're not moving to the Big City. This damn town is boring as hell, so it'll be easy for someone like me to stand out by causing trouble. I'd be lost in the Big City.
(Beat)
AMY: (sniff, sniff) You're right, Andrea. I'm just being a big baby. All right -- I'll go to the bake-off.
ANDREA: That's the spirit.
AMY: (rubbing her swelling cheek) And thanks.
ANDREA: (nonchalant) Hey, what are daughters for?
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Barksdale residence, the next morning)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the kitchen. Everyone is rushing around, preparing to leave for the bake-off. Just as Rita walks onscreen, the phone rings. She goes over to pick it up.)
RITA: Hello?
(Split screen to reveal Rita on the left, Scruffy Joe on the right.)
SCRUFFY: Hello... does Amy Barksdale live here?
RITA: (rolling her eyes) Unfortunately. (Bt) Why? Gonna do another cover story about her??
SCRUFFY: Of course not. I'm a prominent Big City mobster who used to date your sister. I'd like to come over, see how she's doing, and enact revenge against her.
RITA: (eyes widening) Revenge??
SCRUFFY: (beating his head) Aw damn. Stupid, Joe, stupid, stupid, stupid! I knew I should've gone with a cover. That sounded really bad to you, didn't it?
(Beat)
RITA: (getting a crafty expression) Oh it's all right. We all have our little slips of the tongue. I won't tell anyone if you won't.
SCRUFFY: I sure won't.
RITA: Well hey, why not drop by our place any time you feel like? (smirks.) I'm sure Amy would be overjoyed to see you.
SCRUFFY: Great! (Bt) So how does four o' clock this afternoon sound?
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (driving to the bake-off)
(Shot of Amy driving in her car with Andrea in the passenger side seat, holding a bowl of the happy dough. Zoom in for a close-up of Amy. She wears a pensive expression. Suddenly there's a fade-out.)
(Fade-in to a flashback of Amy's traumatic high school experience. The viewer watches her tripping over a student's foot in slo-mo. Amy gets a panicked look on her face, and tosses her hands in the air. Fade-out.)
(Fade-in to shot of the present Amy. She tightens her grip on the steering wheel. Fade-out.)
(Fade-in to slo-mo shot of teenage Amy sailing through the air. She mouths the word, "Nooooooooo!" Fade-out.)
(Fade-in to shot of the present Amy. She clenches her teeth and bears down. Fade-out.)
(Fade-in to slow-mo shot of teenage Amy crashing into a cake booth. The cakes fly off their pans. Fade-out.)
(Fade-in to shot of the present Amy. Beads of perspiration now dot her forehead. Cut to wide shot of the car. It swerves out of its lane and almost hits another car. Loud sounds of honking ensue.)
ANDREA: Chill, Mom, chill. Just remember -- sarcasm: it's a great way to deal.
AMY: (nodding vaguely) Yeah... sarcasm. It's a great way to deal.
ANDREA: Say it with me now.
(Beat)
ANDREA & AMY: Sarcasm -- it's a great way to deal.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (the county bake-off, a short time later)
(Shot of the county fairgrounds. There are several booths scattered around, bearing cakes and pies and a variety of fancy gelatin desserts. Countless people mill about, and a band plays.)
(Cut to shot of Amy carrying the bowl of dough, with Andrea standing beside her. Amy takes a deep breath and keeps walking.)
(Cut to her POV: the booths are coming closer and closer.)
(Cut to flashback shot of a teenage Amy falling to the floor, as cakes fall in slo-mo around her, splattering as they hit the floor tiles.)
(Cut to the present Amy's POV. She is nearing the booths, and people are starting to eye the dough.)
(Cut to flashback shot of the teenage Amy. The splatter from the cakes hits her face, and she reels backward in slo-mo.)
(Cut to shot of the present Amy. She is right in front of a booth, and is preparing to set down the dough.)
(Cut to flashback shot. Teenage Amy, in slo-mo, scoops up a fistful of cake and starts eating.)
(Cut to shot of the present Amy. She sets the bowl of dough on the table top, and breaths a sigh of relief. From offscreen, there are murmurs of anticipation.)
CROWD: Ooh look/ The happy dough!/ I gotta get some!/ It's gonna win!
(Amy smiles, pleased at the attention, when suddenly Big Harv barrels up, accompanied by the judge of the bake-off. He points an accusing finger at the dough.)
HARV: Hold everything, folks! Don't come near this dough! It's been spiked with drugs!
(The crowd gasps. Amy's eyes widen with astonishment. Andrea gets a look on her face that says, "Did I...?" Then she shakes her head.)
AMY: (outraged) Drugs! That's impossible! The happy dough is made from only the most natural ingredients!
VOICE: Yes -- natural ingredients like opium and hash.
(Pan over to show one of Big Harv's chemists standing in front of a random booth. It was he who spoke these words, only Amy doesn't realize that he works for Harv, or that he, personally spiked the dough to disempower the Barksdales' business.)
AMY: You're lying!
SCIENTIST: Oh I don't think I am. And I have the lab test to prove it.
AMY: Well I've got a degree in --
DANZIGER: (offscreen) Well, Miss Barksdale, I might have known you'd do something like this. (He walks onscreen and sneers at her.) Consider my faith in you and your family to be null and void.
AMY: But Mayor Danziger --!
ANDREA: Go blow yourself, pops!
(She takes a fistful of dough and hurls it at Danziger -- it splatters in his face. As he stands there sputtering, Amy takes another fistful of dough and hurls it at Big Harv.)
HARV: AGHHHH!
SCIENTIST: (concerned) Boss, boss! Are you all right?!
(Amy, Andrea, and the crowd gaze at him in shock.)
AMY: So you work for Big Harv??
(Beat)
SCIENTIST: Yeah! (Bt) But, er... so what? My tests are still accurate. Let's get 'er, people!
(He picks up a pie and hurls it at Amy. She holds up her arms to block it, but it still manages to splatter on her face and clothing. Amy licks the cherry filling, then ducks as someone hurls a cake in her direction. It hits Big Harv and splatters on Andrea.)
ANDREA: Dammit, now I'm really mad!
(She picks up a pie and prepares to throw it at the offender, but before she can do so, about ten cakes and pies fly in her direction. Amy takes Andrea by the arm.)
AMY: Let's run -- now!
(They tear away toward the convertible, as dozens of enraged bake-off contestants, as well as Danziger and Big Harv, chase after them, waving cakes and pies.)
(Cut to shot of the convertible. Amy jumps into the driver's seat without opening the door, while Andrea climbs into the passenger seat.)
ANDREA: Quick! Roll up the top! They're headed this way!
(Amy turns on the engine and presses a button. The top starts to roll up slowly.)
AMY: Dammit, hurry!
(Cut to shot of the angry mob heading toward the convertible, poised to do damage with their messy goods. Suddenly, a dark object rises up and blacks out the screen. Cut to wide shot: the top of Amy's convertible has slid into place just in the nick of time. A few cakes smash into the side panels right before Amy makes a hasty pull-out and speeds away.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Barksdale residence, later that day)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Amy, Andrea, Rita, and Ruth in the living room.)
AMY: I'm sorry, Mom. I tried to explain to them, but they wouldn't listen...
RUTH: (shaking her head) So now the happy dough's been stained for life. Oh Amy...
RITA: This couldn't have gone any better than if I'd planned it. (Bt) Um, I mean: sorry, Sis.
AMY: Yeah, you should be. (Bt) If I'd stayed and helped Mom sell the happy dough, you'd have been free to leave this town and follow whatever path you desired.
(Beat)
RITA: (realizing her lost opportunity) Dammit!
AMY: Well at least there's one silver lining to the happy dough's downfall: it will allow us to get back to our baking roots. Once again, we'll be known for producing quality goods with a warm family smile than for cold-hearted, cut-throat capita--
RUTH: (angry) You just don't get it, do you?! Now that we've been accused of drugging the happy dough, we won't be trusted to sell anyone anything! Not one stinking brownie or gingerbread man -- nothing!
(Pause. Amy's lips start to quiver and her eyes fill with tears.)
AMY: I kn-knew it... I kn-kn-knew you only loved me b-because of the h-h-happy d-dough...!
ANDREA: (to Ruth) Now look what you've done. She's crying again!
AMY: Y-yooooo don't looooooove meeeeeeeee! !! (lowers her face and starts sobbing.)
RUTH: (looking uncomfortable) Oh now... love has so many different variations. Tolerance... dull familiarity...
RITA: (to Amy, astonished) My God, you mean you don't feel loved by Mother, either? All this time, I thought I was the only one! To think that I've been so jealous of you all these years because I thought you could get away with anything and still be loved, while I had to be dull and reliable.
AMY: No! I could have been as dull as you and still have not felt loved!
RUTH: Now, now...
RITA: (lips trembling) Oh my sister!
AMY: Oh Sis! (She crushes Rita to her and they embrace passionately.)
RITA: (muffled) And you're right: I am a pathetic alcoholic. I'm going to seek help from A.A., Alcoholic's Anonymous, as soon as we're done with this heartfelt scene!
AMY: Wonderful, Sis! And when you walk in, I'll be right by your side, holding your hand. (Bt) But not before w